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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:02,585 (BURLESQUE MUSIC) 2 00:00:02,620 --> 00:00:05,300 Sluts on stage for the opening number! 3 00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:09,380 Get your lazy arses up those stairs! 4 00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:15,940 On stage, come on! - All right, coming! - Get moving! 5 00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:19,500 Sluts on stage. Come on! 6 00:00:19,535 --> 00:00:22,540 (BURLESQUE MUSIC) 7 00:00:53,940 --> 00:00:55,620 (LAUGHS) Look at her. 8 00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:57,500 (LAUGHTER) 9 00:01:09,340 --> 00:01:11,740 (LAUGHTER) 10 00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:20,060 (LAUGHTER) 11 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,865 (APPLAUSE) 12 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,860 I can't believe it! You were cracking me up out there. 13 00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:31,580 How does a nice girl like you end up in a dump like this? 14 00:01:31,615 --> 00:01:34,865 Oh, this is just a stop-gap. How about you? 15 00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:38,740 Ah, no stop-gaps for a sinner. I got up the spout. 16 00:01:38,775 --> 00:01:41,745 That's not a sin. It is when you're a nun. 17 00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:45,460 You can hide a lot under a habit, but not twins.(GASPS) 18 00:01:45,495 --> 00:01:48,025 (BOTH LAUGH) 19 00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:50,465 Oh, they're gorgeous! 20 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,185 Here, you couldn't babysit, - could you? - What, now? 21 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:56,540 Yeah. I just live down the street. There's a bald fella out front 22 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,860 I think will part with a few bob for a quick hand shandy. 23 00:01:58,895 --> 00:02:01,785 Darling... 24 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,825 we've hit the jackpot. 25 00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:09,260 Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical impresario, wants to meet you! 26 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,745 (GASPS) Really? Me? 27 00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:16,060 - What did he say? - That you've got a great rack and he wants a threesome. 28 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:20,260 He'll pay double figures. All we have to do is... (WHISPERS) 29 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,220 Well, I'm not doing that, no matter how much he pays! 30 00:02:24,255 --> 00:02:26,705 Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper. 31 00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:29,460 She's not putting out just so you can get your next fix. 32 00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:32,180 Anyway, she's babysitting for me. Don't do it, darling. 33 00:02:32,215 --> 00:02:34,620 Those fucking twins are worse than the Krays. 34 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,940 How dare you, you posh clit! 35 00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:46,380 People! Stop it! (ALL SCREAM) 36 00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:47,700 Oi, oi, oi! 37 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,425 Oooh! 38 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,180 (GROANS) Sorry. 39 00:02:51,215 --> 00:02:52,660 You. 40 00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:55,865 You're nothing but bloody trouble! 41 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:59,020 People come in here for an evening of high-class entertainment, 42 00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:01,225 not to watch you fucking around with a fan! 43 00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:05,380 - - High-class? - Yes! - Ha! Glorified knocking shop, more like. 44 00:03:05,415 --> 00:03:07,625 If you paid your girls properly, 45 00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:10,780 they wouldn't have to... What? What? 46 00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:14,460 ...to bash impresarios on the bumhole with a meat mallet! 47 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,700 (ALL GASP) You little bitch! 48 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,740 I'm gonna have you! 49 00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:23,180 (ALL GASP) 50 00:03:23,215 --> 00:03:25,385 Aghhh! 51 00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:27,980 (ALL LAUGH) Get the fuck out 52 00:03:28,015 --> 00:03:30,065 and don't come back! 53 00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:32,465 ♪ It's a sign of the times 54 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,940 ♪ That your love for me is getting so much stronger 55 00:03:36,975 --> 00:03:39,545 ♪ It's a sign of the times 56 00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:44,020 ♪ And I know that I won't have to wait much longer 57 00:03:44,055 --> 00:03:46,540 ♪ You've changed a lot somehow 58 00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:49,900 ♪ From the one I used to know 59 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,425 ♪ But when you hold me now 60 00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:56,820 ♪ You feel like you never wanna let me go ♪ 61 00:03:56,855 --> 00:03:59,745 Ohh, I despair. 62 00:03:59,780 --> 00:04:03,105 That is another missed opportunity. 63 00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:07,340 Sir Bernard Beaumont is one of the top producers around. 64 00:04:07,375 --> 00:04:10,180 Top pervert around. I'm not going back. 65 00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:12,740 (HUMS) 66 00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:17,425 Brian, help me. 67 00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:20,080 Brian. I need another job. 68 00:04:20,115 --> 00:04:22,665 (GASPS) Are you still here? 69 00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,220 I thought I heard an annoying buzzing sound. 70 00:04:25,255 --> 00:04:27,740 Beryl Charlton called... That's enough, Patsy. 71 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:32,660 Thank you very much. I'll handle this. 72 00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:37,860 Well, young lady, despite the fact that you stole a script, 73 00:04:37,895 --> 00:04:39,945 fabricated a pack of lies, 74 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:45,700 humiliated and intimidated a top light-entertainment producer... 75 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:49,880 ...they seem to want to hear you ready. 76 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:53,025 Patsy, the script. For the part of Cicely? 77 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:57,020 Actually, I went out on a limb and suggested you for the part of Jim. 78 00:04:57,055 --> 00:05:00,397 Of course Cicely, - you stupid little idiot. - But... 79 00:05:00,432 --> 00:05:03,186 Beryl Charlton said they'd never cast anyone like me. 80 00:05:03,221 --> 00:05:05,940 And if Beryl has anything to do with it, they won't. 81 00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:08,900 However, this Mahindra chap, the producer, 82 00:05:08,935 --> 00:05:11,140 he thought you had something. 83 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,900 Apart from bare-faced cheek. - Ohh! - Pull yourself together. 84 00:05:15,935 --> 00:05:18,620 The audition's at two o'clock. - Don't be late. - Two o'clock. 85 00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:21,020 Oh. (LAUGHS) Thank you. 86 00:05:21,055 --> 00:05:22,785 Thank you. 87 00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:25,260 Thank you, Brian! Thank you. 88 00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:29,225 All right. Knock 'em dead, darling. 89 00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:31,900 Oh, can I borrow a shilling for my bus fare? 90 00:05:31,935 --> 00:05:35,945 ♪ Don't doubt yourself, babe 91 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:41,140 ♪ Let your feet stand up for your beliefs, babe 92 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,700 ♪ I know what's running through your mind 93 00:05:43,735 --> 00:05:46,185 ♪ You think you ought to capture time 94 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:50,140 ♪ Make love, walk the straight and narrow 95 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:54,300 ♪ Ahh, ahh 96 00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:58,505 ♪ Don't doubt yourself, gal 97 00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:01,580 ♪ Let what's inside be your guide 98 00:06:01,615 --> 00:06:03,500 ♪ You know darn well 99 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,900 ♪ For all the wrong that's been done to you 100 00:06:06,935 --> 00:06:09,145 ♪ Is making you prettier, so don't be blue 101 00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:11,300 ♪ The life you've lived and what you've been through 102 00:06:11,335 --> 00:06:12,740 ♪ You're lucky 103 00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:17,865 ♪ Ahh, ahh 104 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:21,300 ♪ Don't doubt yourself ♪ 105 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:24,520 Shit. 106 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,080 (DOOR BANGS) Hiya! 107 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,600 Traffic was so bad, I thought it was quicker to swim. 108 00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:42,517 Erm, I owe you all an apology. 109 00:06:42,552 --> 00:06:45,400 Especially you, Mr Mahindra. 110 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,760 What I did was wrong. I'm truly sorry. 111 00:06:49,795 --> 00:06:52,845 Erm, well, erm... apology, erm, accepted. 112 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:57,640 Erm, we'd like you to read - some of the script. - No problem. 113 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,640 Erm... yes. Thank you. 114 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,320 (SIGHS) 115 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,565 Out loud. Oh! 116 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,765 Sorry. In fact, erm, 117 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,800 we'd like you, er, to read it with Clive. 118 00:07:27,835 --> 00:07:30,520 Yes, you see, erm... (CLEARS THROAT) 119 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,325 ...this is what we call a chemistry read. 120 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:38,560 And before Tony and Bill make some asinine jokes about Bunsen burners, 121 00:07:38,595 --> 00:07:43,120 a chemistry read is where we see how we can work together. 122 00:07:43,155 --> 00:07:46,200 Yes. So it's comic chemistry we're looking at. 123 00:07:46,235 --> 00:07:50,685 And also sexual chemistry. Crikey. 124 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,965 That's a lot to cram into one test tube. 125 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,220 So why don't we start with the scene where the characters 126 00:07:56,255 --> 00:08:00,027 of Cicely and Jim are planning the dinner party at home? 127 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:03,765 Should I read it in my voice or Cicely's voice or... 128 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,320 You know, I would love to hear her read it in Cicely's voice. 129 00:08:07,355 --> 00:08:09,080 If you can do RP. 130 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,680 Oh, silly... That stands for, er, really posh, Sophie. 131 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,845 Er, so, erm, interior flat. Open on Jim. 132 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,720 His fiancee Cicely enters looking for something. 133 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,340 Hello, darling. Can I help you? 134 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,840 I think I left my "hombug hair. " 135 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,445 Er... No, er, 136 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,925 "I think I left my handbag here. " 137 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,440 Did you, Clive? I'm not one to judge. I'll help you look for it later. 138 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:46,760 Sorry. Sorry, sorry, Clive. Sorry. Can I have another crack at it? 139 00:08:46,795 --> 00:08:50,877 What about scene ten when Cicely tells Jim off 140 00:08:50,912 --> 00:08:54,556 for forgetting to defrost the rack of lamb? 141 00:08:54,591 --> 00:08:58,165 Why don't we pretend this ball is the meat? 142 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,245 So you're both panicking because you're trying to defrost it 143 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:05,020 - in time for the boss. - Water bottle and a hairdryer works every time. 144 00:09:05,055 --> 00:09:08,760 Not with chicken, though. Makes - the giblets smell like shite. - Oh. 145 00:09:08,795 --> 00:09:11,560 Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it? 146 00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:14,360 Anyway, so... Right. 147 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,960 They're here! I can hear them! Quick, hide the meat! 148 00:09:18,995 --> 00:09:22,885 Ooh! Jim! This is no time for hanky-panky! 149 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,365 What? No, that's not the line. Sorry, I did it again. 150 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,600 - I did it again. - Look, pass it back. Very good. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry. 151 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,160 They're coming! I can hear them! Hide the meat! 152 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,205 Whoops! What's going on? 153 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,840 - Aghhhh! - Not the face! Not the face! Not the face. 154 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,640 OK. Er, one more. Very good, very good. 155 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,040 They're coming! I can hear them! Quick, hide the meat! 156 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,800 This was supposed to be my... I'm not a performing seal! 157 00:09:54,835 --> 00:09:57,520 Hide the meat! Why? Are they vegetarian? 158 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,580 You're sort of playing my part. 159 00:10:02,615 --> 00:10:04,925 Whoo! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God. 160 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,520 What am I doing here? - I keep playing the dame. - The dame? 161 00:10:07,555 --> 00:10:09,640 In what, panto? I can hear them. 162 00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,040 Hide the meat. 163 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,600 Ooh! (GROANS) 164 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,640 Ohhhh. (ALL CHUCKLE) 165 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,680 Oh. Congratulations, Jim. (CHUCKLES) 166 00:10:24,715 --> 00:10:26,925 Thank you so much, Sophie. 167 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,560 Could you please give us a moment to chat? 168 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,080 (CLUCKS) 169 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:53,220 Would the audience really buy into this relationship? 170 00:10:53,255 --> 00:10:54,865 I mean, me and her? 171 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,900 Good point. They might wonder why she's with such an arsehole. 172 00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:05,420 She just needs to feed the lines and-and-and look pretty. 173 00:11:05,455 --> 00:11:08,820 Is that the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst turning in her grave? 174 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,220 Sophie, can I have a word? 175 00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,705 Regrettably... It's fine, forget it. 176 00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:26,060 Erm... I should've listened to my Aunty Marie. 177 00:11:26,095 --> 00:11:28,145 "Don't get big ideas, young lady. 178 00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:31,500 Stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle. Running off to London like... " 179 00:11:31,535 --> 00:11:34,220 Blackpool Belle? So you're a beauty queen? 180 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:36,860 (DOOR SLAMS) 181 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,460 (CLATTERING) 182 00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:46,780 On balance, I decided to leave by the door 183 00:11:46,815 --> 00:11:49,025 instead of the broom cupboard. 184 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:52,940 Erm, Sophie, erm, what I was, er, going to say, 185 00:11:52,975 --> 00:11:55,745 erm, is that, regretfully, 186 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:59,020 we don't get to make the final decision, but... 187 00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:04,020 ...as far as we're concerned, you're in the show. 188 00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,820 Oh, God. 189 00:12:17,855 --> 00:12:19,705 (SOBS) No. 190 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,780 (SOBS) No, please. Erm... 191 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:31,180 (LAUGHS) 192 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:37,585 'Hang onto your hat, Dad. Breaking news. 193 00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:41,500 Who did I spy today? Only the actual Captain Smyde 194 00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,785 from The Awkward Squad! And guess what. 195 00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,660 He's much taller than he sounds on the radio. ' 196 00:12:46,695 --> 00:12:48,505 Clive Richardson! Yeah. 197 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:52,720 Well, she only glimpsed him, apparently, in the corridor. 198 00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:56,900 She's been to see where they do all the comedy shows. 199 00:12:56,935 --> 00:12:59,745 Like a guided tour? 200 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,340 Er... Oh, she didn't say. 201 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,580 The doctor says he's got to take better care of himself. 202 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:10,860 But does he listen? Does he heck! How's that, Marie? 203 00:13:10,895 --> 00:13:12,625 Ooh, that's lovely, Aiden. Thank you. 204 00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:15,145 And he says he cooks for himself, but the other day, 205 00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:18,820 I found him eating powdered soup straight from the packet! 206 00:13:18,855 --> 00:13:21,137 Ooh, you never did! - I did! - Ohh! 207 00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:23,616 No! - There you go. - Thank you. 208 00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:26,025 Ta-ra, love. Oh, ta-ra, Betty. 209 00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:29,580 How are you? Oh, you know, keeping busy. 210 00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:35,185 Stepping out with anyone? Why, are you asking?(CHUCKLES) 211 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:38,620 I don't know what came over her. I've half a mind to go to London 212 00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:40,340 and bring her back myself. 213 00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,420 Ta-ra, Aiden. See you later. 214 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,605 (SIGHS) I'm going to the Television Centre. 215 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,760 I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the head - of light entertainment. - Oooh! 216 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,880 Light entertainment. Five minutes ago, you were prancing around 217 00:13:59,915 --> 00:14:03,480 with tassels on your tits. Oh, God, don't remind me. 218 00:14:03,515 --> 00:14:05,925 Dennis, the producer, is a real gentleman. 219 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,840 He says if this meeting goes well, I've got the job! 220 00:14:08,875 --> 00:14:11,200 That's great! I'll finally get some rent! 221 00:14:11,235 --> 00:14:13,045 Oh, God! 222 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,405 Oh, I'm so cocking nervous! You? Nervous? 223 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:20,080 Don't be daft. Although, I'd mind your language. 224 00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:22,680 My future lies in one man's hands. 225 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,120 OK, then. In that case... 226 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,740 ...here's a technique I always find helpful. 227 00:14:31,775 --> 00:14:35,507 When you get into this meeting, you sit down, 228 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:39,811 you look this Ted Sargent fella dead in the eye 229 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:44,080 and you imagine him taking a great big shit. 230 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,280 - Morning, Sophie. - Morning, Dennis. Welcome.(GASPS) 231 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,160 Wow. It's this way. 232 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,440 Should I be serious? A bit flirty? 233 00:15:37,475 --> 00:15:39,280 What, now? 234 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,020 With Ted Sargent. Oh! 235 00:15:43,055 --> 00:15:45,645 Oh. Oh, gosh, no. No, no. 236 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,925 You won't, erm, try one of your antics? 237 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,680 - Antics? - You know, pretending you've met someone you haven't or... 238 00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,400 No, Dennis, I promise, I'll keep my trap shut 239 00:15:55,435 --> 00:15:57,845 and agree with everything he says. 240 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,445 Well, actually, er, he's rather suspicious 241 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,880 of people who he thinks are just telling him what he wants to hear. 242 00:16:03,915 --> 00:16:05,925 So no toadying. - No toadying. - Yeah. 243 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,040 - No flirting. - No. - - No antics. - Yes. - Got it. 244 00:16:09,075 --> 00:16:10,885 Oh, God. I hope he says yes. 245 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,640 It's a good thing the writers are awfully keen on you. 246 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,200 He surely won't want to lose any more talent to the other side. 247 00:16:18,235 --> 00:16:20,457 He hasn't quite got over losing Hancock. 248 00:16:20,492 --> 00:16:22,680 (GASPS) Is he the one who lost Tony Hancock? 249 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,440 Yes, he was. 250 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,400 Although we don't want to mention - any of that to Ted. - No, no. 251 00:16:29,435 --> 00:16:30,760 After you. 252 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,640 Good morning. - Morning. - Morning. 253 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,420 So, Dennis, I gather the boys have got it into their heads 254 00:16:46,455 --> 00:16:49,725 to rejig the script - to accommodate Miss Straw. - Yes. 255 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,680 They'd like to make Cicely hail from - Blackpool. - That's where I come from. 256 00:16:53,715 --> 00:16:58,320 - Ah. - Yes. And we all rather like the way that Sophie sounds. 257 00:16:58,355 --> 00:17:00,760 We feel it brings something. 258 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,565 Sadly, not an audience. 259 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,885 Our esteemed casting director, Beryl Charlton, 260 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,880 felt that Marcia Bell did a charming audition and she has a profile. 261 00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:15,165 So perhaps we can find a role for Miss Straw another time. 262 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:20,000 Well, Marcia Bell is certainly one - way we could go. - The not funny way. 263 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,485 In my vast experience, 264 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,720 good looks and comic ability rarely go hand-in-hand. 265 00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:31,920 The girl is in a show to be the voice of reason, 266 00:17:31,955 --> 00:17:34,040 not to play the fool. 267 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,045 It's fine. I get it. 268 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,160 I'm a risk. And you don't want another flop on your hands, 269 00:17:41,195 --> 00:17:43,777 like that Foreign Matters. 270 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:46,325 I mean, I enjoyed it, but... 271 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:50,320 Unfortunately, that show never quite - found its audience. - Oh, dear. 272 00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:52,400 Were they hiding? (CHUCKLES) 273 00:17:52,435 --> 00:17:54,880 Dennis, I'm curious. 274 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,440 What makes you think I would allow the reputation of the network 275 00:17:59,475 --> 00:18:01,725 to rest on the inexperienced shoulders 276 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:06,200 of a nobody from Liverpool? - Nobody from Blackpool. - Well, erm... 277 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,485 ...Sophie's different. 278 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,205 And maybe people from Blackpool 279 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,840 would like to see themselves represented on television. 280 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,045 Thanks, Dennis, but Ted Sargent's right. 281 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:23,400 Just because ordinary working people from the north might find it funny, 282 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:26,217 doesn't mean that he should put me in the show. 283 00:18:26,252 --> 00:18:28,965 And Bill, Tony and Clive strike me as loyal. 284 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,000 They're hardly going to rush over and do the show on the other side 285 00:18:32,035 --> 00:18:35,040 like Tony Hancock did. (CLEARS THROAT) 286 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,965 This weekend, I shall fly to the Montreux Festival 287 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,000 with the Black And White Minstrels. Oh, you sing and dance, as well! 288 00:18:51,035 --> 00:18:54,000 Dennis... Yes, sir? ... I will give you 24 hours 289 00:18:54,035 --> 00:18:56,240 to prepare a new script with Miss Straw 290 00:18:56,275 --> 00:18:59,205 before I depart to the airport. 291 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,400 I shall attend a read-through tomorrow morning at 10am. 292 00:19:02,435 --> 00:19:05,080 Yes. Very good, sir. Thank you. 293 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,280 24 hours. 294 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:16,325 So, we keep Jim as the posh boy - politico. - Uh-huh. 295 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,560 Went to public school, still votes Labour, works at the Foreign Office. 296 00:19:19,595 --> 00:19:21,637 Do we keep the boss coming for dinner thing? 297 00:19:21,672 --> 00:19:23,645 Can we change that? It's so fucking trad. 298 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,280 It's a Trojan horse, you know that. Tradition set-up, 299 00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,965 we get to smuggle things into the script. 300 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,200 So how does he meet Cicely, the working-class northerner? 301 00:19:31,235 --> 00:19:33,557 Slumming it down the pub? Maybe he knocks her up. 302 00:19:33,592 --> 00:19:35,845 Knocks her up? I think you'll find he didn't. 303 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:39,480 My dad would burst a blood vessel. Sophie, you're playing a character. 304 00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:41,760 It's called acting. You should try it some time, Clive. 305 00:19:41,795 --> 00:19:43,925 You should try writing some time, Bill. 306 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,840 What are you, Tony, his little - script monkey? - Fuck off. 307 00:19:46,875 --> 00:19:50,320 Couldn't I, my character, work at Whitehall, too? 308 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:53,445 What, a... a cleaner? 309 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,840 Actually, what if she's Jim's cleaner? 310 00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,805 Good. That's good, right, Tone? 311 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:01,440 And what if Jim has to pretend that his cleaner is his fiancee? 312 00:20:01,475 --> 00:20:05,040 Margaret. We'll call her Maggie. No, I can't quite see that. 313 00:20:05,075 --> 00:20:09,320 And she has to act all posh and prepare a fancy meal. 314 00:20:09,355 --> 00:20:11,365 Foie gras, tartare, all that bollocks. 315 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,000 I'm crap in the kitchen. I once managed to burn water. 316 00:20:15,035 --> 00:20:16,885 We're having that line, thank you. 317 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,560 I like it, I like it. It's a good, erm... odd couple scenario. 318 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:23,297 Odd? Thanks, Dennis. Dennis thinks anyone's odd 319 00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:26,000 who hasn't been to Cambridge. Yes, actually, I do. 320 00:20:26,035 --> 00:20:28,605 Come on, we need a name. 321 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,640 Now, Sophie... what comes to mind 322 00:20:32,675 --> 00:20:35,600 when you think of Blackpool? 323 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,165 Dirt and ferrets. 324 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,205 Working down the pit? Dysentery. 325 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,560 - Clogs! - We're writing a sitcom, not a Ken Loach drama. 326 00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:47,117 What does go with a regular woman from Blackpool? 327 00:20:47,152 --> 00:20:50,640 A stick of rock and a sense of bitter disappointment? 328 00:20:50,675 --> 00:20:53,077 What about Doris? 329 00:20:53,112 --> 00:20:55,445 What is she, 90? 330 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,760 So, call time for the reading with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45am. 331 00:20:59,795 --> 00:21:04,080 Now, it is essential that everyone gets an early night, Bill. 332 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:07,700 Sophie's character still hasn't got - a name. - Just keep thinking. 333 00:21:07,735 --> 00:21:09,425 You'll come up with something good. 334 00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:12,740 Erm, so, any last-minute changes we'll do by hand in the morning. 335 00:21:12,775 --> 00:21:16,140 - All right? - Does it even matter what she's called? 336 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,705 What is wrong with Doris? 337 00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:20,865 I'm sorry to be an arse, but I do feel that... 338 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:24,380 Actually, can we change Clive's character's name from Jim 339 00:21:24,415 --> 00:21:27,860 to Hugh Jarse? Or shall we do it by hand in the morning? 340 00:21:27,895 --> 00:21:30,257 Look, I am basically doing everyone a favour 341 00:21:30,292 --> 00:21:32,585 turning up to this read-through tomorrow, 342 00:21:32,620 --> 00:21:34,545 so a little bit of respect would be quite nice. 343 00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:37,740 Bill, has anyone ever refused to read for Ted Sargent? 344 00:21:37,775 --> 00:21:39,385 Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake. 345 00:21:39,420 --> 00:21:42,980 He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent - read-through. - Who's Reggie Lake? 346 00:21:43,015 --> 00:21:45,980 Exactly. Oh. Right. 347 00:21:46,015 --> 00:21:47,905 Barbara. What? 348 00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:49,900 It's got a good rhythm to it. 349 00:21:49,935 --> 00:21:52,260 Barbara from Blackpool. 350 00:21:53,260 --> 00:21:55,820 All right, we've got the name. Can we please change the title? 351 00:21:55,855 --> 00:22:00,140 Dining In? Let's call it Barbara And Jim. 352 00:22:00,175 --> 00:22:02,580 Yeah. No, I like it. 353 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,580 Jim And Barbara. 354 00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,460 Night, Soph. Very good, Tony. Very good. 355 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:28,020 Hi. Evening. 356 00:22:40,780 --> 00:22:42,505 Aiden! 357 00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:45,185 What are you doing here? 358 00:22:45,220 --> 00:22:47,340 I'm making a romantic gesture. 359 00:22:52,940 --> 00:22:55,140 Well, you better come up. 360 00:22:57,580 --> 00:23:01,820 - I've missed you so much! - Shh! Keep it down! You'll wake my flatmate. 361 00:23:02,980 --> 00:23:04,860 (SNORES) Aiden! 362 00:23:06,940 --> 00:23:08,865 Have you been drinking? 363 00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:11,060 Well, I needed some Dutch courage. 364 00:23:12,580 --> 00:23:14,840 It gave me the shock of my life, you leaving. 365 00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:17,065 I just assumed it'd be you and me forever. 366 00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:20,140 Maybe you should've asked me what - I wanted. - I've had time to think. 367 00:23:20,175 --> 00:23:22,385 I'm willing to give you another chance. 368 00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:25,025 Come back with me, Barbara. I can offer you more than this. 369 00:23:25,060 --> 00:23:27,620 I inherited the business. I can put down a deposit on a bungalow. 370 00:23:27,655 --> 00:23:31,140 I don't want a bungalow. I've got the chance to do something 371 00:23:31,175 --> 00:23:33,717 that I've always wanted to do. 372 00:23:33,752 --> 00:23:36,225 Be on the telly in a comedy show. 373 00:23:36,260 --> 00:23:39,665 Love, you're living in a fantasy land. 374 00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:42,960 You're a pretty lass an' that, but people like us don't get on TV. 375 00:23:42,995 --> 00:23:46,220 It could all change tomorrow. How long you gonna go on... Shh! 376 00:23:46,255 --> 00:23:48,220 No, I mean it really could all change tomorrow. 377 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:54,380 I know I did this once before, but I'm gonna do it again. 378 00:23:54,415 --> 00:23:55,905 Better. 379 00:23:55,940 --> 00:23:57,945 I love you, Barbara. 380 00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:59,980 I wanna grow old with you. 381 00:24:02,460 --> 00:24:04,780 Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? 382 00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:09,780 (SIGHS) Easy, love, easy, easy. 383 00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:16,860 I've just had a pickled onion. 384 00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:22,380 (GROANS) Shh. 385 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:29,025 Oh! Oh! 386 00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:30,740 (LAMP CLATTERS) Shh! 387 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,420 (BOTH LAUGH) 388 00:24:43,540 --> 00:24:46,380 (ALARM CLOCK RINGS) 389 00:24:59,380 --> 00:25:00,660 (GASPS) 390 00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:09,740 (GASPS) 391 00:25:31,180 --> 00:25:34,700 Morning, love. I made you breakfast. 392 00:25:35,740 --> 00:25:37,660 Like a modern fella. 393 00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:43,820 (GASPS) Fucking hell! What time is it? 394 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:51,705 Good morning! Morning. 395 00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:55,985 Ah. Where is Her Ladyship? Hm? 396 00:25:56,020 --> 00:25:58,585 In the bog? Trowelling on the war paint? 397 00:25:58,620 --> 00:26:01,940 She knows she's gotta be here by 9:45, right? 398 00:26:01,975 --> 00:26:03,585 I'm saying nothing. 399 00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:06,340 (COUGHS) Should've hired a professional. 400 00:26:06,375 --> 00:26:08,945 I have to go, Aiden. I'm late. 401 00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,820 Not until you say yes. I can't say yes! 402 00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:21,860 Things have changed. I've seen a different world. 403 00:26:22,980 --> 00:26:24,540 A world without me in it? 404 00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:27,820 Sorry. 405 00:26:35,820 --> 00:26:39,500 ♪ I'm on my way 406 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:43,860 ♪ I feel OK Oh, not now, Mr Norris. 407 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:48,660 ♪ Coming back to you 408 00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:53,260 ♪ Know you love me, too 409 00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:57,740 ♪ I'm homeward bound 410 00:26:58,780 --> 00:27:03,100 ♪ I'm coming round 411 00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:09,580 Cocking hell! 412 00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,500 Dennis. Sir. 413 00:27:16,740 --> 00:27:19,180 ♪ I know that you're the one 414 00:27:19,215 --> 00:27:21,425 ♪ The one, only one 415 00:27:21,460 --> 00:27:24,940 ♪ That's why I'm coming back to you 416 00:27:28,340 --> 00:27:30,625 Morning. 417 00:27:30,660 --> 00:27:33,940 ♪ I'm on my way Ow! 418 00:27:35,980 --> 00:27:39,300 ♪ I feel OK 419 00:27:39,335 --> 00:27:42,620 ♪ On my way 420 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:47,740 ♪ On my way ♪ 421 00:27:53,020 --> 00:27:54,900 And where is Miss Straw? 422 00:27:56,020 --> 00:27:58,900 Erm... she's on her way. 423 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:06,265 Beryl, kindly phone Marcia Bell's agent. 424 00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:09,820 Tell him we would like to offer Miss Bell the part of Barbara 425 00:28:09,855 --> 00:28:13,260 in Jim And Barbara. It'd be my pleasure. 426 00:28:15,940 --> 00:28:17,940 (GROANS) 427 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:24,340 So, so sorry, everyone. Still had my watch set to Blackpool time. 428 00:28:28,140 --> 00:28:29,340 Ooh. 429 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,605 Yes, erm... 430 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,280 Welcome, everyone, to this new Comedy Playhouse. 431 00:28:38,315 --> 00:28:40,245 It's called Jim And Barbara. 432 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:44,400 It's written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardener. 433 00:28:44,435 --> 00:28:46,200 Starring Clive Richardson, of course, 434 00:28:46,235 --> 00:28:49,240 and introducing... Sophie Straw. 435 00:28:49,275 --> 00:28:51,120 Hey. 436 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:54,525 (CLEARS THROAT) 437 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,080 ♪ If you do want me 438 00:28:57,115 --> 00:28:59,577 ♪ Gimme little sugar 439 00:28:59,612 --> 00:29:01,986 ♪ If you don't want me 440 00:29:02,021 --> 00:29:04,230 ♪ Don't lead me on, girl 441 00:29:04,265 --> 00:29:06,405 ♪ But if you need me 442 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,780 ♪ Show me that you love me 443 00:29:08,815 --> 00:29:11,120 ♪ And when I'm feeling blue 444 00:29:11,155 --> 00:29:13,525 ♪ And I want you 445 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,080 ♪ There's just one thing 446 00:29:16,115 --> 00:29:18,565 ♪ That you should do 447 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,480 ♪ Just gimme some kind of sign, girl 448 00:29:21,515 --> 00:29:23,405 ♪ Oh, my baby 449 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:25,800 ♪ To show me that you're mine, girl 450 00:29:25,835 --> 00:29:27,205 ♪ Oh, yeah 451 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,040 ♪ Just gimme some kind of sign, girl 452 00:29:30,075 --> 00:29:31,685 ♪ Oh, my darling 453 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,360 ♪ To show me that you're mine, girl 454 00:29:34,395 --> 00:29:36,405 ♪ All right ♪ 455 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,960 And lights fade on Barbara And Jim on doorstep. 456 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,960 Music. End credits. 457 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:47,200 Thank you, everyone. (ALL CLAP) 458 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,920 (CLOCK TICKS) 459 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,920 Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold. 460 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,920 Can we take that as a green light, sir? 461 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,280 I shall inform you when I've made my decision. 462 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:23,685 Whatever happens, 463 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,160 thank you so much for giving me this chance. 464 00:30:27,195 --> 00:30:29,080 Oh, it was... 465 00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:04,145 What if old fucked-up Sargent says no? 466 00:31:04,180 --> 00:31:09,020 We've written it for her now. She didn't shit up any of the jokes. 467 00:31:09,055 --> 00:31:11,397 You know, plus, we know Dennis likes her. 468 00:31:11,432 --> 00:31:13,705 Did you see his face when she hugged him? 469 00:31:13,740 --> 00:31:16,900 Face? I could hardly see it behind his enormous lob. 470 00:31:16,935 --> 00:31:19,620 You are disgusting. Yeah. 471 00:31:21,140 --> 00:31:24,100 You know, if she does get the part, they'll have to find a way 472 00:31:24,135 --> 00:31:26,625 to be a convincing couple. Though I suppose, 473 00:31:26,660 --> 00:31:30,100 as long as they can act, it'll be - all right. - You're the expert. 474 00:31:30,135 --> 00:31:33,477 Oh, here we go. Time to fuck with Tony. 475 00:31:33,512 --> 00:31:36,785 Did June know... when she married you? 476 00:31:36,820 --> 00:31:41,380 - Bill, mate, you're drunk. - That's when I'm at my most sparkling. 477 00:31:43,020 --> 00:31:44,265 Fuck. 478 00:31:44,300 --> 00:31:46,425 But what about the practical side? 479 00:31:46,460 --> 00:31:50,300 Oh, Jesus, just leave it out! It's none of your bleeding beeswax! 480 00:31:51,300 --> 00:31:53,425 We're working on all that. 481 00:31:53,460 --> 00:31:55,985 If this Comedy Playhouse goes to series, 482 00:31:56,020 --> 00:31:59,020 we're gonna have to get our normal married couple facts from somewhere 483 00:31:59,055 --> 00:32:02,300 and they sure as hell aren't gonna be from me... ducky. 484 00:32:02,335 --> 00:32:04,985 All right, that's enough. Come on! 485 00:32:05,020 --> 00:32:08,300 Bill, please. - I need to lie down. - Please. 486 00:32:10,260 --> 00:32:12,380 (SIGHS) Oh, fucking hell. 487 00:32:14,980 --> 00:32:17,020 (BANGING ON DOOR) 488 00:32:18,620 --> 00:32:21,240 Oh, my God, that's gonna be the landlord! 489 00:32:21,275 --> 00:32:23,860 Quick, quick, quick! Quick! Under here! 490 00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:30,145 Why are we hiding? Doesn't he have a key? 491 00:32:30,180 --> 00:32:32,820 Just shut up and try and blend in - with the lino. - Sophie? 492 00:32:32,855 --> 00:32:35,220 Are you in there? 493 00:32:40,660 --> 00:32:43,820 Brian. What are you doing here? 494 00:32:49,660 --> 00:32:52,220 Jesus Christ. 495 00:32:55,300 --> 00:32:57,900 Has there been an earthquake? 496 00:32:57,935 --> 00:32:59,860 Are there any survivors? 497 00:32:59,895 --> 00:33:01,945 Er, Marjorie. 498 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:04,065 Good morning, Marjorie. 499 00:33:04,100 --> 00:33:06,860 Er, please, take a seat. Erm, mind the wonky leg. 500 00:33:06,895 --> 00:33:09,180 I beg your pardon? She means the chair. 501 00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:14,465 Well... 502 00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:16,980 it seems you got the job. 503 00:33:19,740 --> 00:33:22,100 (ALL SCREAM AND LAUGH) 504 00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:28,705 We start rehearsals right away! 505 00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:31,385 May I suggest that with your first paycheque, 506 00:33:31,420 --> 00:33:36,820 you get a telephone installed, and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer. 507 00:33:36,855 --> 00:33:38,705 (LAUGHS) 508 00:33:38,740 --> 00:33:40,985 So, your first day. 509 00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:43,780 Don't look so worried. It's as easy as riding a bike. 510 00:33:43,815 --> 00:33:45,865 Our director will be along shortly. 511 00:33:45,900 --> 00:33:48,220 I thought Dennis was the director. I wish. 512 00:33:48,255 --> 00:33:50,065 Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert, 513 00:33:50,100 --> 00:33:52,905 one of his safe pairs of hands, to keep us in check. 514 00:33:52,940 --> 00:33:56,580 Why do you wish Dennis - was the director? - You'll see. 515 00:33:58,020 --> 00:34:00,760 The script is joke-free and far too long 516 00:34:00,795 --> 00:34:03,465 and we'll never shoot it in an evening. 517 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:07,300 Everyone say a big hello to Bert Redwood, our director. 518 00:34:07,335 --> 00:34:09,105 Yeah, sorry, Bert, that's Tony's fault, 519 00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:11,820 he wrote all the long, - non-funny bits. - Right. 520 00:34:11,855 --> 00:34:13,785 Well, I'm sure it'll scrub up nicely 521 00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:16,065 with your experienced hands at the helm, Bert. 522 00:34:16,100 --> 00:34:19,660 Don't blame me if we're still stuck here filming at midnight, Ma... 523 00:34:19,695 --> 00:34:21,625 Ma... hatma... 524 00:34:21,660 --> 00:34:23,745 or however you pronounce your name. 525 00:34:23,780 --> 00:34:26,700 It's Mahindra and you know that. Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever. 526 00:34:27,740 --> 00:34:29,545 Right, from the top! 527 00:34:29,580 --> 00:34:31,905 (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER) 528 00:34:31,940 --> 00:34:35,420 Sophie Straw, I can't hear myself think. Can you mime? 529 00:34:36,620 --> 00:34:38,860 (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER) Not... 530 00:34:38,895 --> 00:34:40,585 Jesus! 531 00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:43,740 You do the action, no sound. Clive, you're on camera left, 532 00:34:43,775 --> 00:34:46,860 you're on the telephone, you're being dumped by Celia. 533 00:34:46,895 --> 00:34:48,745 Cicely. Who cares? 534 00:34:48,780 --> 00:34:51,340 Sophie Straw, you're still cleaning, but you're listening in 535 00:34:51,375 --> 00:34:53,585 to that telephone call. 536 00:34:53,620 --> 00:34:56,980 You just walked into a camera! What? 537 00:34:57,980 --> 00:34:59,465 (SIGHS) 538 00:34:59,500 --> 00:35:02,000 On the night, there'll be four ruddy great television cameras 539 00:35:02,035 --> 00:35:04,807 pointed at you, and if you are standing there, you're gonna be 540 00:35:04,842 --> 00:35:07,580 on the cameraman's lap. Now, much as he might enjoy it, dear, 541 00:35:07,615 --> 00:35:09,877 it doesn't make good telly. Sorry, Bert. 542 00:35:09,912 --> 00:35:12,140 It just felt like the right place to be. 543 00:35:13,420 --> 00:35:16,180 It felt like the right place to... It felt like the... 544 00:35:16,215 --> 00:35:18,977 Do you know, this isn't Hedda Gabler. 545 00:35:19,012 --> 00:35:21,740 We're not plumbing our emotional depths. 546 00:35:21,775 --> 00:35:25,460 We are blocking a shitting sitcom! 547 00:35:26,900 --> 00:35:30,740 Now, just stay where I bloody well put you! 548 00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:33,860 Not on the coat rack! 549 00:35:34,940 --> 00:35:37,105 Maybe I could help here. 550 00:35:37,140 --> 00:35:39,700 Bert, erm, when I'm on the telephone, would it help 551 00:35:39,735 --> 00:35:43,105 if perhaps I would be here for Sophie... 552 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:45,780 But we've actually got a better line for her. 553 00:35:45,815 --> 00:35:47,865 Mr Redwood... 554 00:35:47,900 --> 00:35:50,900 It feels a bit shallow. Do you know what? 555 00:35:50,935 --> 00:35:53,900 We may as well cut the whole bloody scene! 556 00:35:57,740 --> 00:35:59,220 (DOOR SLAMS) 557 00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:03,980 Then it would be too short. - And not very funny. - Bit like Bert. 558 00:36:04,015 --> 00:36:06,265 (ALL CHUCKLE) 559 00:36:06,300 --> 00:36:09,865 Well, I suppose that's a wrap. 560 00:36:09,900 --> 00:36:13,180 Let's reconvene tomorrow at the studio for the dress rehearsal, 561 00:36:13,215 --> 00:36:15,665 9am sharp. Oh, Sophie. 562 00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:20,620 Er, the press department have - organised an interview for you. - Me? 563 00:36:21,660 --> 00:36:24,900 Hi, I'm Diane Lewis, - Cherry Magazine. - Hi! 564 00:36:24,935 --> 00:36:27,345 Well, shall we? 565 00:36:27,380 --> 00:36:29,265 I've never done an interview before. 566 00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:32,180 Well, judging by that rehearsal, you can clearly hold your own. 567 00:36:32,215 --> 00:36:35,900 Oh, my God. Bert got his pants in a right old bunch! 568 00:36:36,940 --> 00:36:40,780 Oh, don't write that down! I'll get - - in trouble! - Too late, it's in. - Ohh! 569 00:36:40,815 --> 00:36:44,140 I'm such a dippy-doodle! It's fine, I was joking! 570 00:36:45,420 --> 00:36:47,065 Oh. 571 00:36:47,100 --> 00:36:49,500 So, have you ever read Cherry Magazine? 572 00:36:50,500 --> 00:36:52,705 Is it anything like Woman's Weekly? 573 00:36:52,740 --> 00:36:56,740 It's for young girls, so less knitting cakes for the WI 574 00:36:56,775 --> 00:37:00,065 and more of the important issues of the day, 575 00:37:00,100 --> 00:37:03,225 like what clothes you wear, who your boyfriend is 576 00:37:03,260 --> 00:37:06,860 and what you cook for him. You don't like your job, do you? 577 00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:09,140 Oh. 578 00:37:11,380 --> 00:37:13,985 I trained as a news reporter. Really? 579 00:37:14,020 --> 00:37:16,860 But it's taking a while to get my foot in the door. 580 00:37:16,895 --> 00:37:19,145 Right. This is fun for now. 581 00:37:19,180 --> 00:37:21,265 And I've gotta say, I love the freebies. 582 00:37:21,300 --> 00:37:23,740 And we get membership to places like The Vaults Of St James. 583 00:37:23,775 --> 00:37:26,660 The what of the what? - It's a cool nightclub. - Oh! 584 00:37:26,695 --> 00:37:29,940 Like Talk Of The Town! With fewer pensioners. 585 00:37:31,060 --> 00:37:33,540 It's the hottest ticket in London. You'd dig it. 586 00:37:34,700 --> 00:37:37,960 Look, give me a ring some time 587 00:37:37,995 --> 00:37:41,220 and I... will take you there. 588 00:37:44,260 --> 00:37:48,460 'Dearest Bubble. Work at the factory is as action-packed as ever. 589 00:37:48,495 --> 00:37:52,660 The sugar boiler went on the blink, but we fixed it with a wingnut. 590 00:37:52,695 --> 00:37:55,277 Home life is very quiet. ' 591 00:37:55,312 --> 00:37:57,860 (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) 592 00:37:59,620 --> 00:38:02,105 'I can't wait to see you in action, my love. 593 00:38:02,140 --> 00:38:05,380 I've told Marie I'm going down to a rock convention. 594 00:38:05,415 --> 00:38:07,945 She thinks I'm joining the Rolling Stones. 595 00:38:07,980 --> 00:38:10,980 I'm bursting with pride, got a smile on my face 596 00:38:11,015 --> 00:38:12,985 and a spring in my step. 597 00:38:13,020 --> 00:38:15,380 See you there. Ying tong iddle I po!' 598 00:38:23,700 --> 00:38:25,945 Here we are. 599 00:38:25,980 --> 00:38:28,260 Sorry, can I just have a moment? 600 00:38:34,060 --> 00:38:35,900 (LAUGHS QUIETLY) 601 00:38:40,300 --> 00:38:41,980 (GASPS) 602 00:38:48,860 --> 00:38:51,420 Is this all for me? Yes. 603 00:38:54,660 --> 00:38:58,585 Thanks again... for taking a chance on me. 604 00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:02,260 Well, you'll be terrific. You've really lifted the show. 605 00:39:02,295 --> 00:39:04,260 I've always hoped to find someone like you. 606 00:39:06,540 --> 00:39:08,620 Comedy-wise, obviously. 607 00:39:09,620 --> 00:39:13,660 Obviously. Yes. Right, I'll leave you to it. 608 00:39:16,820 --> 00:39:19,540 (GIGGLES) 609 00:39:29,140 --> 00:39:31,180 (GIGGLES) Hm! 610 00:39:31,215 --> 00:39:33,220 Ooh! (GROANS) 611 00:39:34,260 --> 00:39:36,740 Does Bert really want me to wear this? 612 00:39:36,775 --> 00:39:40,940 He wants to show your shape, dear. 613 00:39:40,975 --> 00:39:44,145 But... I'm the cleaner. 614 00:39:44,180 --> 00:39:46,920 Who mops floors in a get-up like this? 615 00:39:46,955 --> 00:39:49,660 It's a sitcom, not a Play For Today. 616 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,320 All right, what do you think? 617 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:57,880 Right. 618 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:02,960 Then Jim says, "That's nearly a mouthful. " 619 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:06,000 It's good. 620 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,460 Why doesn't it work? Rhythm. 621 00:40:09,495 --> 00:40:11,747 Try putting in a very there. 622 00:40:11,782 --> 00:40:13,965 That's very nearly a mouthful. 623 00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:18,200 That's... very nearly... That's very nearly... a mouthful. 624 00:40:18,235 --> 00:40:21,005 Well, that's very nearly a mouthful. 625 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,560 Again. Oh, that's very nearly a mouthful. 626 00:40:23,595 --> 00:40:26,045 That's... That's very nearly a mouthful! 627 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,120 That's very nearly a mouthful. That's very nearly a mouthful. 628 00:40:29,155 --> 00:40:32,325 That's very... That's very nearly... Holly. 629 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,720 - That's very nearly a mouthful. - Mr Mahindra, you're wanted in wardrobe. 630 00:40:35,755 --> 00:40:38,920 Has something happened? Yeah, the British Museum called. 631 00:40:38,955 --> 00:40:41,800 They want that outfit back. (LAUGHS) 632 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,340 Madam doesn't like her costume. 633 00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:51,205 It's just when I watch a comedy, 634 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:55,400 the characters I like have imperfections. They're real. 635 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:02,965 Night, George! - Night, George. - Night, George! 636 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,240 - Night, Pat. - Don't stay too late! Good night, ladies. 637 00:41:06,275 --> 00:41:08,680 Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. 638 00:41:08,715 --> 00:41:11,320 Enjoy your day off! 639 00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,180 (GROANS SOFTLY) 640 00:41:20,700 --> 00:41:23,220 So, here we are. 641 00:41:25,140 --> 00:41:27,020 (GASPS) 642 00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:38,380 Sophie, welcome to the space. Make sure that you have everything, 643 00:41:38,415 --> 00:41:41,020 your props, et cetera, et cetera, right where you want them. 644 00:41:41,055 --> 00:41:44,477 This is your manor, mate, as Bill and Tony would say. 645 00:41:44,512 --> 00:41:47,366 When have you ever heard either of us ever say that? 646 00:41:47,401 --> 00:41:50,220 He thinks we're the fucking pearly king and queen. 647 00:41:51,700 --> 00:41:55,380 Ooh, what a perfect pear! Ooh, cheeky!(BOTH LAUGH) 648 00:41:55,415 --> 00:41:57,625 But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake. 649 00:41:57,660 --> 00:42:00,780 Everything on this set is fake. Including the lead actor. 650 00:42:00,815 --> 00:42:03,257 (LAUGHS) Oh, ha-ha! Oh! 651 00:42:03,292 --> 00:42:05,665 Not the face! Not the face! 652 00:42:05,700 --> 00:42:09,780 - Some more fakery! - All right, children, thank you very much. 653 00:42:09,815 --> 00:42:13,860 - Do not destroy the set. - Sorry. First positions. Thank you. 654 00:42:17,540 --> 00:42:21,500 "Hello, boys and girls. "Oh, Jesus! Not, just Bert in the control room. 655 00:42:21,535 --> 00:42:23,420 "Sophie Straw, this is a dress rehearsal. 656 00:42:23,455 --> 00:42:25,620 Why aren't you in costume?" 657 00:42:27,060 --> 00:42:29,380 I am in costume, Bert. 658 00:42:30,380 --> 00:42:33,305 That is not the costume I had planned, Sophie Straw. 659 00:42:33,340 --> 00:42:36,420 Sorry, Bert, that was my decision. I'm not taking orders from a... 660 00:42:36,455 --> 00:42:39,545 From a what? Please, do continue. 661 00:42:39,580 --> 00:42:42,420 Let's just run this wretched scene from when Barbara comes in 662 00:42:42,455 --> 00:42:45,260 with a vacuum cleaner. And trust me, it won't be nearly as funny 663 00:42:45,295 --> 00:42:47,585 now we can't see down her top. 664 00:42:47,620 --> 00:42:51,180 OK, camera one, you're a slave on Sophie. Show me what you've got. 665 00:42:54,980 --> 00:42:57,540 See, now, that's funny. That's funny. 666 00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,660 (MUFFLED LAUGHTER) 667 00:43:04,180 --> 00:43:06,380 (SIGHS) 668 00:43:07,540 --> 00:43:11,145 Right, first positions. Action! 669 00:43:11,180 --> 00:43:14,780 Cicely, darling, look, of course there is absolutely 670 00:43:14,815 --> 00:43:17,117 no other woman in my life. - Oh, Jim? - Hm? 671 00:43:17,152 --> 00:43:19,420 Do you want me to polish your nick-nacks? 672 00:43:20,900 --> 00:43:24,160 Nick-nacks has got two Ks in it, it should be funny. 673 00:43:24,195 --> 00:43:27,747 Maybe the logic's off. Oh, this might sound rubbish, 674 00:43:27,782 --> 00:43:31,300 but, erm, I could pick up my feather duster and say, 675 00:43:31,335 --> 00:43:33,900 "Jim, can I flick it on your nick-nacks?" 676 00:43:35,060 --> 00:43:37,420 "That's a good idea, Sophie. Give it a go. " 677 00:43:37,455 --> 00:43:39,580 Three Ks, even better. 678 00:43:42,780 --> 00:43:46,460 (LAUGHTER) 679 00:43:51,180 --> 00:43:53,500 (APPLAUSE) 680 00:43:57,500 --> 00:43:58,860 ♪ I'll travel 681 00:44:01,340 --> 00:44:05,200 ♪ Well, I might take a boat or I'll take a plane 682 00:44:05,235 --> 00:44:09,060 ♪ I might hitchhike or jump a railroad train 683 00:44:09,095 --> 00:44:12,497 ♪ Your kind of love drives a man insane 684 00:44:12,532 --> 00:44:15,900 ♪ So look for me walking just any old way 685 00:44:15,935 --> 00:44:17,700 (HUMS) 686 00:44:22,580 --> 00:44:24,865 POSH ACCENT: Hello. I'm Cicely. 687 00:44:24,900 --> 00:44:29,060 Oh, sorry, oh, you want me to be Jim? 688 00:44:29,095 --> 00:44:32,180 What? Oh, hello! 689 00:44:33,620 --> 00:44:37,140 I found this downstairs on the mat. Ooh. 690 00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:39,300 I've never had a telegram before. 691 00:44:59,660 --> 00:45:01,625 Well, I hope you're proud of yourself. 692 00:45:01,660 --> 00:45:04,860 First your mother and now you abandoning him. 693 00:45:04,895 --> 00:45:07,065 His poor heart can't take it. 694 00:45:07,100 --> 00:45:10,140 Look, there's a train first thing tomorrow morning. Be on it. 695 00:45:10,175 --> 00:45:12,500 I can't come tomorrow, Aunty Marie. 696 00:45:13,700 --> 00:45:15,865 "What do you mean you can't come?" 697 00:45:15,900 --> 00:45:18,300 Well, I'll be letting an awful lot of people down. 698 00:45:18,335 --> 00:45:21,140 I'll come first thing Saturday. Saturday? 699 00:45:22,740 --> 00:45:26,420 - He might be dead by Saturday! - But Aunty Marie, you don't understand... 700 00:45:26,455 --> 00:45:28,820 (LINE GOES DEAD) 701 00:45:28,855 --> 00:45:30,620 No! 702 00:45:32,020 --> 00:45:33,660 Ohhh. 703 00:45:51,700 --> 00:45:55,305 ♪ Oooh 704 00:45:55,340 --> 00:45:59,760 ♪ It's time to go home 705 00:45:59,795 --> 00:46:04,180 ♪ We've been out too long 706 00:46:04,215 --> 00:46:08,305 ♪ So, baby 707 00:46:08,340 --> 00:46:12,660 ♪ Let's go home ♪ 51963

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