Original subtitles

(BURLESQUE MUSIC)

Sluts on stage for the opening number!

Get your lazy arses up those stairs!

On stage, come on! - All right, coming! - Get moving!

Sluts on stage. Come on!

(BURLESQUE MUSIC)

(LAUGHS) Look at her.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I can't believe it! You were cracking me up out there.

How does a nice girl like you end up in a dump like this?

Oh, this is just a stop-gap. How about you?

Ah, no stop-gaps for a sinner. I got up the spout.

That's not a sin. It is when you're a nun.

You can hide a lot under a habit, but not twins.(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, they're gorgeous!

Here, you couldn't babysit, - could you? - What, now?

Yeah. I just live down the street. There's a bald fella out front

I think will part with a few bob for a quick hand shandy.

Darling...

we've hit the jackpot.

Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical impresario, wants to meet you!

(GASPS) Really? Me?

- What did he say? - That you've got a great rack and he wants a threesome.

He'll pay double figures. All we have to do is... (WHISPERS)

Well, I'm not doing that, no matter how much he pays!

Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper.

She's not putting out just so you can get your next fix.

Anyway, she's babysitting for me. Don't do it, darling.

Those fucking twins are worse than the Krays.

How dare you, you posh clit!

People! Stop it! (ALL SCREAM)

Oi, oi, oi!

Oooh!

(GROANS) Sorry.

You.

You're nothing but bloody trouble!

People come in here for an evening of high-class entertainment,

not to watch you fucking around with a fan!

- - High-class? - Yes! - Ha! Glorified knocking shop, more like.

If you paid your girls properly,

they wouldn't have to... What? What?

...to bash impresarios on the bumhole with a meat mallet!

(ALL GASP) You little bitch!

I'm gonna have you!

(ALL GASP)

Aghhh!

(ALL LAUGH) Get the fuck out

and don't come back!

♪ It's a sign of the times

♪ That your love for me is getting so much stronger

♪ It's a sign of the times

♪ And I know that I won't have to wait much longer

♪ You've changed a lot somehow

♪ From the one I used to know

♪ But when you hold me now

♪ You feel like you never wanna let me go ♪

Ohh, I despair.

That is another missed opportunity.

Sir Bernard Beaumont is one of the top producers around.

Top pervert around. I'm not going back.

(HUMS)

Brian, help me.

Brian. I need another job.

(GASPS) Are you still here?

I thought I heard an annoying buzzing sound.

Beryl Charlton called... That's enough, Patsy.

Thank you very much. I'll handle this.

Well, young lady, despite the fact that you stole a script,

fabricated a pack of lies,

humiliated and intimidated a top light-entertainment producer...

...they seem to want to hear you ready.

Patsy, the script. For the part of Cicely?

Actually, I went out on a limb and suggested you for the part of Jim.

Of course Cicely, - you stupid little idiot. - But...

Beryl Charlton said they'd never cast anyone like me.

And if Beryl has anything to do with it, they won't.

However, this Mahindra chap, the producer,

he thought you had something.

Apart from bare-faced cheek. - Ohh! - Pull yourself together.

The audition's at two o'clock. - Don't be late. - Two o'clock.

Oh. (LAUGHS) Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brian! Thank you.

All right. Knock 'em dead, darling.

Oh, can I borrow a shilling for my bus fare?

♪ Don't doubt yourself, babe

♪ Let your feet stand up for your beliefs, babe

♪ I know what's running through your mind

♪ You think you ought to capture time

♪ Make love, walk the straight and narrow

♪ Ahh, ahh

♪ Don't doubt yourself, gal

♪ Let what's inside be your guide

♪ You know darn well

♪ For all the wrong that's been done to you

♪ Is making you prettier, so don't be blue

♪ The life you've lived and what you've been through

♪ You're lucky

♪ Ahh, ahh

♪ Don't doubt yourself ♪

Shit.

(DOOR BANGS) Hiya!

Traffic was so bad, I thought it was quicker to swim.

Erm, I owe you all an apology.

Especially you, Mr Mahindra.

What I did was wrong. I'm truly sorry.

Erm, well, erm... apology, erm, accepted.

Erm, we'd like you to read - some of the script. - No problem.

Erm... yes. Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Out loud. Oh!

Sorry. In fact, erm,

we'd like you, er, to read it with Clive.

Yes, you see, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

...this is what we call a chemistry read.

And before Tony and Bill make some asinine jokes about Bunsen burners,

a chemistry read is where we see how we can work together.

Yes. So it's comic chemistry we're looking at.

And also sexual chemistry. Crikey.

That's a lot to cram into one test tube.

So why don't we start with the scene where the characters

of Cicely and Jim are planning the dinner party at home?

Should I read it in my voice or Cicely's voice or...

You know, I would love to hear her read it in Cicely's voice.

If you can do RP.

Oh, silly... That stands for, er, really posh, Sophie.

Er, so, erm, interior flat. Open on Jim.

His fiancee Cicely enters looking for something.

Hello, darling. Can I help you?

I think I left my "hombug hair. "

Er... No, er,

"I think I left my handbag here. "

Did you, Clive? I'm not one to judge. I'll help you look for it later.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, Clive. Sorry. Can I have another crack at it?

What about scene ten when Cicely tells Jim off

for forgetting to defrost the rack of lamb?

Why don't we pretend this ball is the meat?

So you're both panicking because you're trying to defrost it

- in time for the boss. - Water bottle and a hairdryer works every time.

Not with chicken, though. Makes - the giblets smell like shite. - Oh.

Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it?

Anyway, so... Right.

They're here! I can hear them! Quick, hide the meat!

Ooh! Jim! This is no time for hanky-panky!

What? No, that's not the line. Sorry, I did it again.

- I did it again. - Look, pass it back. Very good. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.

They're coming! I can hear them! Hide the meat!

Whoops! What's going on?

- Aghhhh! - Not the face! Not the face! Not the face.

OK. Er, one more. Very good, very good.

They're coming! I can hear them! Quick, hide the meat!

This was supposed to be my... I'm not a performing seal!

Hide the meat! Why? Are they vegetarian?

You're sort of playing my part.

Whoo! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God.

What am I doing here? - I keep playing the dame. - The dame?

In what, panto? I can hear them.

Hide the meat.

Ooh! (GROANS)

Ohhhh. (ALL CHUCKLE)

Oh. Congratulations, Jim. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you so much, Sophie.

Could you please give us a moment to chat?

(CLUCKS)

Would the audience really buy into this relationship?

I mean, me and her?

Good point. They might wonder why she's with such an arsehole.

She just needs to feed the lines and-and-and look pretty.

Is that the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst turning in her grave?

Sophie, can I have a word?

Regrettably... It's fine, forget it.

Erm... I should've listened to my Aunty Marie.

"Don't get big ideas, young lady.

Stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle. Running off to London like... "

Blackpool Belle? So you're a beauty queen?

(DOOR SLAMS)

(CLATTERING)

On balance, I decided to leave by the door

instead of the broom cupboard.

Erm, Sophie, erm, what I was, er, going to say,

erm, is that, regretfully,

we don't get to make the final decision, but...

...as far as we're concerned, you're in the show.

Oh, God.

(SOBS) No.

(SOBS) No, please. Erm...

(LAUGHS)

'Hang onto your hat, Dad. Breaking news.

Who did I spy today? Only the actual Captain Smyde

from The Awkward Squad! And guess what.

He's much taller than he sounds on the radio. '

Clive Richardson! Yeah.

Well, she only glimpsed him, apparently, in the corridor.

She's been to see where they do all the comedy shows.

Like a guided tour?

Er... Oh, she didn't say.

The doctor says he's got to take better care of himself.

But does he listen? Does he heck! How's that, Marie?

Ooh, that's lovely, Aiden. Thank you.

And he says he cooks for himself, but the other day,

I found him eating powdered soup straight from the packet!

Ooh, you never did! - I did! - Ohh!

No! - There you go. - Thank you.

Ta-ra, love. Oh, ta-ra, Betty.

How are you? Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Stepping out with anyone? Why, are you asking?(CHUCKLES)

I don't know what came over her. I've half a mind to go to London

and bring her back myself.

Ta-ra, Aiden. See you later.

(SIGHS) I'm going to the Television Centre.

I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the head - of light entertainment. - Oooh!

Light entertainment. Five minutes ago, you were prancing around

with tassels on your tits. Oh, God, don't remind me.

Dennis, the producer, is a real gentleman.

He says if this meeting goes well, I've got the job!

That's great! I'll finally get some rent!

Oh, God!

Oh, I'm so cocking nervous! You? Nervous?

Don't be daft. Although, I'd mind your language.

My future lies in one man's hands.

OK, then. In that case...

...here's a technique I always find helpful.

When you get into this meeting, you sit down,

you look this Ted Sargent fella dead in the eye

and you imagine him taking a great big shit.

- Morning, Sophie. - Morning, Dennis. Welcome.(GASPS)

Wow. It's this way.

Should I be serious? A bit flirty?

What, now?

With Ted Sargent. Oh!

Oh. Oh, gosh, no. No, no.

You won't, erm, try one of your antics?

- Antics? - You know, pretending you've met someone you haven't or...

No, Dennis, I promise, I'll keep my trap shut

and agree with everything he says.

Well, actually, er, he's rather suspicious

of people who he thinks are just telling him what he wants to hear.

So no toadying. - No toadying. - Yeah.

- No flirting. - No. - - No antics. - Yes. - Got it.

Oh, God. I hope he says yes.

It's a good thing the writers are awfully keen on you.

He surely won't want to lose any more talent to the other side.

He hasn't quite got over losing Hancock.

(GASPS) Is he the one who lost Tony Hancock?

Yes, he was.

Although we don't want to mention - any of that to Ted. - No, no.

After you.

Good morning. - Morning. - Morning.

So, Dennis, I gather the boys have got it into their heads

to rejig the script - to accommodate Miss Straw. - Yes.

They'd like to make Cicely hail from - Blackpool. - That's where I come from.

- Ah. - Yes. And we all rather like the way that Sophie sounds.

We feel it brings something.

Sadly, not an audience.

Our esteemed casting director, Beryl Charlton,

felt that Marcia Bell did a charming audition and she has a profile.

So perhaps we can find a role for Miss Straw another time.

Well, Marcia Bell is certainly one - way we could go. - The not funny way.

In my vast experience,

good looks and comic ability rarely go hand-in-hand.

The girl is in a show to be the voice of reason,

not to play the fool.

It's fine. I get it.

I'm a risk. And you don't want another flop on your hands,

like that Foreign Matters.

I mean, I enjoyed it, but...

Unfortunately, that show never quite - found its audience. - Oh, dear.

Were they hiding? (CHUCKLES)

Dennis, I'm curious.

What makes you think I would allow the reputation of the network

to rest on the inexperienced shoulders

of a nobody from Liverpool? - Nobody from Blackpool. - Well, erm...

...Sophie's different.

And maybe people from Blackpool

would like to see themselves represented on television.

Thanks, Dennis, but Ted Sargent's right.

Just because ordinary working people from the north might find it funny,

doesn't mean that he should put me in the show.

And Bill, Tony and Clive strike me as loyal.

They're hardly going to rush over and do the show on the other side

like Tony Hancock did. (CLEARS THROAT)

This weekend, I shall fly to the Montreux Festival

with the Black And White Minstrels. Oh, you sing and dance, as well!

Dennis... Yes, sir? ... I will give you 24 hours

to prepare a new script with Miss Straw

before I depart to the airport.

I shall attend a read-through tomorrow morning at 10am.

Yes. Very good, sir. Thank you.

24 hours.

So, we keep Jim as the posh boy - politico. - Uh-huh.

Went to public school, still votes Labour, works at the Foreign Office.

Do we keep the boss coming for dinner thing?

Can we change that? It's so fucking trad.

It's a Trojan horse, you know that. Tradition set-up,

we get to smuggle things into the script.

So how does he meet Cicely, the working-class northerner?

Slumming it down the pub? Maybe he knocks her up.

Knocks her up? I think you'll find he didn't.

My dad would burst a blood vessel. Sophie, you're playing a character.

It's called acting. You should try it some time, Clive.

You should try writing some time, Bill.

What are you, Tony, his little - script monkey? - Fuck off.

Couldn't I, my character, work at Whitehall, too?

What, a... a cleaner?

Actually, what if she's Jim's cleaner?

Good. That's good, right, Tone?

And what if Jim has to pretend that his cleaner is his fiancee?

Margaret. We'll call her Maggie. No, I can't quite see that.

And she has to act all posh and prepare a fancy meal.

Foie gras, tartare, all that bollocks.

I'm crap in the kitchen. I once managed to burn water.

We're having that line, thank you.

I like it, I like it. It's a good, erm... odd couple scenario.

Odd? Thanks, Dennis. Dennis thinks anyone's odd

who hasn't been to Cambridge. Yes, actually, I do.

Come on, we need a name.

Now, Sophie... what comes to mind

when you think of Blackpool?

Dirt and ferrets.

Working down the pit? Dysentery.

- Clogs! - We're writing a sitcom, not a Ken Loach drama.

What does go with a regular woman from Blackpool?

A stick of rock and a sense of bitter disappointment?

What about Doris?

What is she, 90?

So, call time for the reading with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45am.

Now, it is essential that everyone gets an early night, Bill.

Sophie's character still hasn't got - a name. - Just keep thinking.

You'll come up with something good.

Erm, so, any last-minute changes we'll do by hand in the morning.

- All right? - Does it even matter what she's called?

What is wrong with Doris?

I'm sorry to be an arse, but I do feel that...

Actually, can we change Clive's character's name from Jim

to Hugh Jarse? Or shall we do it by hand in the morning?

Look, I am basically doing everyone a favour

turning up to this read-through tomorrow,

so a little bit of respect would be quite nice.

Bill, has anyone ever refused to read for Ted Sargent?

Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake.

He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent - read-through. - Who's Reggie Lake?

Exactly. Oh. Right.

Barbara. What?

It's got a good rhythm to it.

Barbara from Blackpool.

All right, we've got the name. Can we please change the title?

Dining In? Let's call it Barbara And Jim.

Yeah. No, I like it.

Jim And Barbara.

Night, Soph. Very good, Tony. Very good.

Hi. Evening.

Aiden!

What are you doing here?

I'm making a romantic gesture.

Well, you better come up.

- I've missed you so much! - Shh! Keep it down! You'll wake my flatmate.

(SNORES) Aiden!

Have you been drinking?

Well, I needed some Dutch courage.

It gave me the shock of my life, you leaving.

I just assumed it'd be you and me forever.

Maybe you should've asked me what - I wanted. - I've had time to think.

I'm willing to give you another chance.

Come back with me, Barbara. I can offer you more than this.

I inherited the business. I can put down a deposit on a bungalow.

I don't want a bungalow. I've got the chance to do something

that I've always wanted to do.

Be on the telly in a comedy show.

Love, you're living in a fantasy land.

You're a pretty lass an' that, but people like us don't get on TV.

It could all change tomorrow. How long you gonna go on... Shh!

No, I mean it really could all change tomorrow.

I know I did this once before, but I'm gonna do it again.

Better.

I love you, Barbara.

I wanna grow old with you.

Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?

(SIGHS) Easy, love, easy, easy.

I've just had a pickled onion.

(GROANS) Shh.

Oh! Oh!

(LAMP CLATTERS) Shh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Morning, love. I made you breakfast.

Like a modern fella.

(GASPS) Fucking hell! What time is it?

Good morning! Morning.

Ah. Where is Her Ladyship? Hm?

In the bog? Trowelling on the war paint?

She knows she's gotta be here by 9:45, right?

I'm saying nothing.

(COUGHS) Should've hired a professional.

I have to go, Aiden. I'm late.

Not until you say yes. I can't say yes!

Things have changed. I've seen a different world.

A world without me in it?

Sorry.

♪ I'm on my way

♪ I feel OK Oh, not now, Mr Norris.

♪ Coming back to you

♪ Know you love me, too

♪ I'm homeward bound

♪ I'm coming round

Cocking hell!

Dennis. Sir.

♪ I know that you're the one

♪ The one, only one

♪ That's why I'm coming back to you

Morning.

♪ I'm on my way Ow!

♪ I feel OK

♪ On my way

♪ On my way ♪

And where is Miss Straw?

Erm... she's on her way.

Beryl, kindly phone Marcia Bell's agent.

Tell him we would like to offer Miss Bell the part of Barbara

in Jim And Barbara. It'd be my pleasure.

(GROANS)

So, so sorry, everyone. Still had my watch set to Blackpool time.

Ooh.

Yes, erm...

Welcome, everyone, to this new Comedy Playhouse.

It's called Jim And Barbara.

It's written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardener.

Starring Clive Richardson, of course,

and introducing... Sophie Straw.

Hey.

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ If you do want me

♪ Gimme little sugar

♪ If you don't want me

♪ Don't lead me on, girl

♪ But if you need me

♪ Show me that you love me

♪ And when I'm feeling blue

♪ And I want you

♪ There's just one thing

♪ That you should do

♪ Just gimme some kind of sign, girl

♪ Oh, my baby

♪ To show me that you're mine, girl

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Just gimme some kind of sign, girl

♪ Oh, my darling

♪ To show me that you're mine, girl

♪ All right ♪

And lights fade on Barbara And Jim on doorstep.

Music. End credits.

Thank you, everyone. (ALL CLAP)

(CLOCK TICKS)

Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.

Can we take that as a green light, sir?

I shall inform you when I've made my decision.

Whatever happens,

thank you so much for giving me this chance.

Oh, it was...

What if old fucked-up Sargent says no?

We've written it for her now. She didn't shit up any of the jokes.

You know, plus, we know Dennis likes her.

Did you see his face when she hugged him?

Face? I could hardly see it behind his enormous lob.

You are disgusting. Yeah.

You know, if she does get the part, they'll have to find a way

to be a convincing couple. Though I suppose,

as long as they can act, it'll be - all right. - You're the expert.

Oh, here we go. Time to fuck with Tony.

Did June know... when she married you?

- Bill, mate, you're drunk. - That's when I'm at my most sparkling.

Fuck.

But what about the practical side?

Oh, Jesus, just leave it out! It's none of your bleeding beeswax!

We're working on all that.

If this Comedy Playhouse goes to series,

we're gonna have to get our normal married couple facts from somewhere

and they sure as hell aren't gonna be from me... ducky.

All right, that's enough. Come on!

Bill, please. - I need to lie down. - Please.

(SIGHS) Oh, fucking hell.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Oh, my God, that's gonna be the landlord!

Quick, quick, quick! Quick! Under here!

Why are we hiding? Doesn't he have a key?

Just shut up and try and blend in - with the lino. - Sophie?

Are you in there?

Brian. What are you doing here?

Jesus Christ.

Has there been an earthquake?

Are there any survivors?

Er, Marjorie.

Good morning, Marjorie.

Er, please, take a seat. Erm, mind the wonky leg.

I beg your pardon? She means the chair.

Well...

it seems you got the job.

(ALL SCREAM AND LAUGH)

We start rehearsals right away!

May I suggest that with your first paycheque,

you get a telephone installed, and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer.

(LAUGHS)

So, your first day.

Don't look so worried. It's as easy as riding a bike.

Our director will be along shortly.

I thought Dennis was the director. I wish.

Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert,

one of his safe pairs of hands, to keep us in check.

Why do you wish Dennis - was the director? - You'll see.

The script is joke-free and far too long

and we'll never shoot it in an evening.

Everyone say a big hello to Bert Redwood, our director.

Yeah, sorry, Bert, that's Tony's fault,

he wrote all the long, - non-funny bits. - Right.

Well, I'm sure it'll scrub up nicely

with your experienced hands at the helm, Bert.

Don't blame me if we're still stuck here filming at midnight, Ma...

Ma... hatma...

or however you pronounce your name.

It's Mahindra and you know that. Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.

Right, from the top!

(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER)

Sophie Straw, I can't hear myself think. Can you mime?

(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER) Not...

Jesus!

You do the action, no sound. Clive, you're on camera left,

you're on the telephone, you're being dumped by Celia.

Cicely. Who cares?

Sophie Straw, you're still cleaning, but you're listening in

to that telephone call.

You just walked into a camera! What?

(SIGHS)

On the night, there'll be four ruddy great television cameras

pointed at you, and if you are standing there, you're gonna be

on the cameraman's lap. Now, much as he might enjoy it, dear,

it doesn't make good telly. Sorry, Bert.

It just felt like the right place to be.

It felt like the right place to... It felt like the...

Do you know, this isn't Hedda Gabler.

We're not plumbing our emotional depths.

We are blocking a shitting sitcom!

Now, just stay where I bloody well put you!

Not on the coat rack!

Maybe I could help here.

Bert, erm, when I'm on the telephone, would it help

if perhaps I would be here for Sophie...

But we've actually got a better line for her.

Mr Redwood...

It feels a bit shallow. Do you know what?

We may as well cut the whole bloody scene!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Then it would be too short. - And not very funny. - Bit like Bert.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Well, I suppose that's a wrap.

Let's reconvene tomorrow at the studio for the dress rehearsal,

9am sharp. Oh, Sophie.

Er, the press department have - organised an interview for you. - Me?

Hi, I'm Diane Lewis, - Cherry Magazine. - Hi!

Well, shall we?

I've never done an interview before.

Well, judging by that rehearsal, you can clearly hold your own.

Oh, my God. Bert got his pants in a right old bunch!

Oh, don't write that down! I'll get - - in trouble! - Too late, it's in. - Ohh!

I'm such a dippy-doodle! It's fine, I was joking!

Oh.

So, have you ever read Cherry Magazine?

Is it anything like Woman's Weekly?

It's for young girls, so less knitting cakes for the WI

and more of the important issues of the day,

like what clothes you wear, who your boyfriend is

and what you cook for him. You don't like your job, do you?

Oh.

I trained as a news reporter. Really?

But it's taking a while to get my foot in the door.

Right. This is fun for now.

And I've gotta say, I love the freebies.

And we get membership to places like The Vaults Of St James.

The what of the what? - It's a cool nightclub. - Oh!

Like Talk Of The Town! With fewer pensioners.

It's the hottest ticket in London. You'd dig it.

Look, give me a ring some time

and I... will take you there.

'Dearest Bubble. Work at the factory is as action-packed as ever.

The sugar boiler went on the blink, but we fixed it with a wingnut.

Home life is very quiet. '

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)

'I can't wait to see you in action, my love.

I've told Marie I'm going down to a rock convention.

She thinks I'm joining the Rolling Stones.

I'm bursting with pride, got a smile on my face

and a spring in my step.

See you there. Ying tong iddle I po!'

Here we are.

Sorry, can I just have a moment?

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

(GASPS)

Is this all for me? Yes.

Thanks again... for taking a chance on me.

Well, you'll be terrific. You've really lifted the show.

I've always hoped to find someone like you.

Comedy-wise, obviously.

Obviously. Yes. Right, I'll leave you to it.

(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES) Hm!

Ooh! (GROANS)

Does Bert really want me to wear this?

He wants to show your shape, dear.

But... I'm the cleaner.

Who mops floors in a get-up like this?

It's a sitcom, not a Play For Today.

All right, what do you think?

Right.

Then Jim says, "That's nearly a mouthful. "

It's good.

Why doesn't it work? Rhythm.

Try putting in a very there.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's... very nearly... That's very nearly... a mouthful.

Well, that's very nearly a mouthful.

Again. Oh, that's very nearly a mouthful.

That's... That's very nearly a mouthful!

That's very nearly a mouthful. That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's very... That's very nearly... Holly.

- That's very nearly a mouthful. - Mr Mahindra, you're wanted in wardrobe.

Has something happened? Yeah, the British Museum called.

They want that outfit back. (LAUGHS)

Madam doesn't like her costume.

It's just when I watch a comedy,

the characters I like have imperfections. They're real.

Night, George! - Night, George. - Night, George!

- Night, Pat. - Don't stay too late! Good night, ladies.

Be good. If you can't be good, be careful.

Enjoy your day off!

(GROANS SOFTLY)

So, here we are.

(GASPS)

Sophie, welcome to the space. Make sure that you have everything,

your props, et cetera, et cetera, right where you want them.

This is your manor, mate, as Bill and Tony would say.

When have you ever heard either of us ever say that?

He thinks we're the fucking pearly king and queen.

Ooh, what a perfect pear! Ooh, cheeky!(BOTH LAUGH)

But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake.

Everything on this set is fake. Including the lead actor.

(LAUGHS) Oh, ha-ha! Oh!

Not the face! Not the face!

- Some more fakery! - All right, children, thank you very much.

- Do not destroy the set. - Sorry. First positions. Thank you.

"Hello, boys and girls. "Oh, Jesus! Not, just Bert in the control room.

"Sophie Straw, this is a dress rehearsal.

Why aren't you in costume?"

I am in costume, Bert.

That is not the costume I had planned, Sophie Straw.

Sorry, Bert, that was my decision. I'm not taking orders from a...

From a what? Please, do continue.

Let's just run this wretched scene from when Barbara comes in

with a vacuum cleaner. And trust me, it won't be nearly as funny

now we can't see down her top.

OK, camera one, you're a slave on Sophie. Show me what you've got.

See, now, that's funny. That's funny.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

Right, first positions. Action!

Cicely, darling, look, of course there is absolutely

no other woman in my life. - Oh, Jim? - Hm?

Do you want me to polish your nick-nacks?

Nick-nacks has got two Ks in it, it should be funny.

Maybe the logic's off. Oh, this might sound rubbish,

but, erm, I could pick up my feather duster and say,

"Jim, can I flick it on your nick-nacks?"

"That's a good idea, Sophie. Give it a go. "

Three Ks, even better.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

♪ I'll travel

♪ Well, I might take a boat or I'll take a plane

♪ I might hitchhike or jump a railroad train

♪ Your kind of love drives a man insane

♪ So look for me walking just any old way

(HUMS)

POSH ACCENT: Hello. I'm Cicely.

Oh, sorry, oh, you want me to be Jim?

What? Oh, hello!

I found this downstairs on the mat. Ooh.

I've never had a telegram before.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

First your mother and now you abandoning him.

His poor heart can't take it.

Look, there's a train first thing tomorrow morning. Be on it.

I can't come tomorrow, Aunty Marie.

"What do you mean you can't come?"

Well, I'll be letting an awful lot of people down.

I'll come first thing Saturday. Saturday?

- He might be dead by Saturday! - But Aunty Marie, you don't understand...

(LINE GOES DEAD)

No!

Ohhh.

♪ Oooh

♪ It's time to go home

♪ We've been out too long

♪ So, baby

♪ Let's go home ♪