Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

♪ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

♪ Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together

♪ Brighter than a lucky penny

♪ When you're near the rain goes, disappears, dear

♪ And I feel so fine

♪ Just to know that you are mine

♪ My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

♪ That's how this refrain goes

♪ So, come on, join in, everybody

♪ Sunshine, lollipops and...

I drew you in the sweepstake for the beauty contest, Barb.

So, pull out all the stops, will ya?

Oh, it's just a lark, Pat.

My money's on Janice Allsthrop. she's got a bigger beehive.

♪ Sunshine, lollipops...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ♪ Everything that's wonderful

♪ Is what I feel when we're together...

And what a feast for the eyes.

You lucky girls, my good lady wife was going to enter the competition.

Mm! (LAUGHS) Pulled out because of her bunions.

(LAUGHTER) I jest. A former Miss Blackpool herself,

believe it or believe it not,

girls, be warned, kiddies and cream buns, that's what happened.

You're no oil painting yourself.

But you didn't marry me because I was an oil painting, my love.

Whereas... Well, that was the whole point of you.

(LAUGHS) Go on, give us a smile, love.

Oh, it looks like we have a decision.(LAUGHS)

(FEEDBACK) In third place...

...Sandra Holt!

(APPLAUSE) (FANFARE PLAYS)

(LAUGHS) Well done. - Well done, Sandra. - Well done.

Applause please for our runner-up. Well, hopefully,

she won't be running anywhere in those heels. (LAUGHS)

Janice Allsthrop. (APPLAUSE)

(FANFARE) Yeah, well done. Janice.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, crikey Mr Parker, it's down to the wire.

Hold your nerve, Aiden, hold your nerve.

In first place, the Belle of Blackpool 1964,

is Barbara Parker.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ♪ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

♪ Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together

♪ Brighter than a lucky penny

♪ When you're near the rain goes, disappears, dear

♪ And I feel so fine

#Because you're in love

♪ You're in love...

(LAUGHS) ♪ And love is here to stay

Barbara Parker, ladies and gentlemen. Very good.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

Well done, love. (LAUGHS)

Len Phillips, Evening Gazette. So, are we the immediate family?

I'm her father, George Parker.

Excuse me. Coming through. P- A-R-K-E-R.Excuse me.

I'm related too, thank you very much.

Who's this then? The Queen Mother?

I am most certainly not her mother, I'm her Aunt Marie.

- This young buck is Aiden. - Barbara's - fiance. - They won't like that.

Don't want to break the hearts of every lad in Blackpool.

(LAUGHS) I am here, if you want to ask me anything.

No, thanks. I just make the rest up.

All right, then. Out the way! Let's go for the money shot.

Stick your chest out, love. You could be a glamour girl.

- The next Sabrina. - Oh, come on, our Barbara, say cheese.

I sometimes shout out "knickers", just to shake things up.

You want to get used to my colourful sense of humour.

Opening supermarkets, hospitals, dog shows.

You're gonna have a very busy year.

♪ Open up the sky

♪ Cos I'm coming up to you

♪ So send down your wings

♪ And let 'em bring me to you

♪ You know, I'm standing at the station

♪ Ready to go

♪ Oh, big old aeroplane

♪ I'm trusting you so

♪ Get on up, big bird, to my baby's love

♪ Get on up, big bird, I got to make it work

♪ Get on up, big bird

♪ With me down here

♪ And you up there

♪ Now all we know is ♪ All we know is

♪ It ain't no fair... Dear Dad, saying goodbye to you

was the toughest thing I've done since learning long division.

But I had to go. It's now or never.

♪ And never coming back, get on up...

Tell Aiden he's got full permission to hate me.

But I've got this feeling in my gut that life's got something

more in store for me than being Miss Blackpool Belle.

And now's my chance to find out what.

♪ Get on up, big bird ♪ Get on up, big bird

♪ To my baby's love, get on up, big bird. ♪

Dad, it's soft to say I love you, so I won't. But I do.

I'll write as soon as I'm settled.

Bright lights, here I come.

Good morning, madam. Good morning.(CHUCKLES)

Mother of the bride, is it?

Er, well, perhaps this hat might suit madam better.

I like this one. What do you think?

Have you ever seen a dead badger on the side of the road?

I beg your pardon? Well, you did ask.

She did ask, didn't she? Is there a problem, Barbara?

No, no, Miss Sykes. I was just explaining to madam

that this hat makes her head look a little bit like, um... Roadkill.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm so sorry, madam, She's from up north.

I was just being honest. Honest? Honest.

The only honest opinion madam requires

is to be told that the hat, any hat,

looks absolutely perfect.

(COPIES ACCENT) Absolutely perfect.

Sorry, Miss Sykes, it won't happen again.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Whoa! Hazard warning.

That chicken sandwich has been there, like, two weeks.

Oh, it smells a bit ripe. Ripe?

Surprised it hasn't grown legs and run out clucking.(LAUGHS)

Marjorie. Shoes.

Barbara. Hats.

- There you are. - Yeah, of course, you've got a face for hats.

Oh, you haven't seen me in a bobble hat,

I look like a boiled egg - in a tea cosy. - All right, my love?

So, do you know this lot then? No, not personally.

I can tell which departments they work in just by looking at them.

Starting at the top. Of the building?

The league table. - Here you go, Marj. - Cheers, Julie.

Now, over here we've got ladies' fashion and couture, first division.

They all went to Lucie Clayton Modelling School,

they all talk posh, they all walk like

they've got a stick up their arse. Never seen one of them eat.

Perhaps they shovel down the pies when they get home.

Oh, no, they don't go home, no. They party all night with pop stars.

- See the redhead? - Yeah. She went on a date with a Beatle.

No! Yeah.(GASPS) He's just the drummer, though, so...

Next floor down, you've got make-up.

So, you can be pretty and, like, short,

but you can't have the wonky teeth. Well, no. Who wants buy lippy

off someone with a gob like Ken Dodd? (LAUGHS)

Now, over here we've got perfume.

Law unto themselves that lot. What do you mean?

Men come in to buy gifts for their ladies, yeah?

They ask the girls to spritz on themselves so they can smell it.

That's Millie. One geezer sniffed all the way up to her armpit.

Then he gave it a lick. Oh!

And that's you, hats.

So, what are we in hats? Bottom of the league table?

No, no, that's us, in shoes.

Whoops! Sorry.

I could kill her. Now, you'll find us in the basement,

just follow the cheesy pong.

Thanks for the rundown, Marjorie.

Hey, it's Marj.

If you want.

Marj.

Where are you living then? Bed and breakfast.

Just moved down from Blackpool. - Blackpool? - Mm-hm!

Is that why you talk funny? From where I'm standing,

you're the one who talks funny. I'm from Croydon,

we all sound like this. See you.

Er, look, I've... I've got a room in Earl's Court.

Good for you. What? No.

I mean, you can move in, if you like.

I'm looking for a flatmate, so...

OK.

(LAUGHS)

♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and pressure tenants

♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and pressure tenants

♪ It come like everything crash

♪ Them nah want you for use the gas

♪ Put in shilling for get a bath... - Hiya. - All right?

You've got so much stuff.

It's mainly hairspray.

OK. ♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and pressure tenants...

You coming? Ugh!

This is Sandra.

- - Hiya. - Hi. - All right? ♪ Landlords and pressure tenants. ♪

It's only one more flight. You said that two flights ago.

Come in. Oop!

Welcome to Maison a la Marj.

Kitchen's just there. This is the bedroom.

That's my bed, this is your bed here, by the window.

I can't sleep in a draft because of my adenoids.

(SNORES)

Mayday, mayday, London calling. It's groovy here, Dad.

I've landed on my feet in a swanky penthouse flat.

By night, you'll find me enjoying cocktails and witty repartee.

(SNORES) By day, I've got a job in the West End,

giving high-class ladies expert advice on fancy hats.

Absolutely perfect.

It's a bit different to rolling sticks of rock.

But I sometimes miss the heady pong of sugar up my nose.

Say hello to Auntie Marie and tell her

I've still got ideas above my station.

You never know, I could be the biggest thing

to come out of Blackpool since you-know-who

and the you-know-whats.

Big kiss, Dad. Ying tong iddle I po.

Lucy, ready? Hello, friends.

I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless?

Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle.

Er, little bottle. (LAUGHTER)

Good, I haven't missed it.

Oh, what are we having for our tea tonight?

Oh, it depends what you're cooking.

Marj, would you stop using my best saucepan to boil your pants!

Well, how else am I meant to get the stains out?

I've just spent an hour at the laundrette, why didn't you come?

Because I don't want strangers just staring at me knick-knocks.

At least I caught a bit of Lucille Ball.

So, that was a bonus. Hey, maybe we should get a telly?

I'm not watching that I Love Lucy lady, she gets me all wound up.

Pulling funny faces and falling on her backside.

What kind of job is that? That's worse than working in shoes.

I'd love to get paid to muck about. - What? On telly? - Yeah. Why not?

You wanna be an actress? Well, maybe, I don't know.

My dad says that actresses are no better than common prostitutes.

Is your dad a vicar from Victorian times?

No, he works at the car plant.

- Oh! - Oh! - Bloody hell. - Aah.

Never mind a telly, we haven't even got enough money to pay the meter.

Hey, give me some change. I splashed out on the tumble dryer.

- Oh. - Oh! What are we gonna do now?

Oh! Hang on. It's just started.

(STATIC) (THEME TUNE)

The Awkward Squad is written by Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes.

(THEY TALK GIBBERISH) Produced and directed by Dennis Mohindra.

(THEY LAUGH) That's Smythe, played by... Smythe played by...

...Clive Richardson! ... Clive Richardson!

Excuse me, but who's in charge here?

- - You are! - You are! - A family of six are moving in from Glasgow tomorrow.

I haven't got time to be cooking and cleaning up after you.

Oh, Marie, just leave it, you know,

go and see to your guests at Seagull's Hall.

Nook, Seagull's Nook.

And you'll do your washing and run a vacuum round too, will you?

(SCOFFS) I'd like to see that. Well, I'll just do it later.

Just leave it. It may have escaped your notice

but she's the same age as her mother when she left.

She's not gonna disappear like Gloria.

She just needs to spread her wings, that's all.

Well, might not be all she's spreading if she's not careful.

Marie, please. She... She can handle herself.

Listen, just because we didn't get any chances,

doesn't mean to say she shouldn't.

You made her think she's - something special. - But she is.

She's swanned off to London... I always told her that... like,

like she's above the lot of us.

But she doesn't mean it like that. So, what was wrong with Aiden?

I was in there for sausage this morning, I was mortified.

If she'd played her cards right, she could have been betrothed

to the best-looking butcher in Blackpool.

Well...

Keep out of this Private Private.

So sorry, didn't realise it was private.

Excuse me, but who's in charge here? (LAUGHS) You are!

♪ You can't despise what you want to do...

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely per-fect!

Ab-so-lute-ly per-fect.

♪ You've got to do it yourself now. ♪

I love it. How do I get from this to this?

You could always apply for a promotion to the perfume counter.

Minnie saw, um, Jimmy Tarbuck in the London Palladium.

Blimey. Do they get paid loads more in perfume?

Don't be a twerp, she ain't got money for a ticket.

Her gentleman friend has. All the girls on perfume

get taken to shows by gentlemen friends.

You'd have no trouble reeling one in.

Barb, darling, thanks so much for this.

- No problem. - Need to pop to the - clinic for some clap cream. - Yeah.

He looks like he might be on the prowl.

Go on, Barb darling, give him an eyeful.

Right.

Do you know what Marilyn Monroe said

when she was asked what she - - wore in bed? - No. - Chanel No. 5.

Oh! She'd have got terrible chilblains

on a nippy night in Norbreck.

Barbara. (GASPS)

I wasn't aware you'd been transferred to parfum.

Yep, temporarily. Millie had to pop to the clinic.

What for? Clap... ping.

Clap, clap, clapping cream.

Er, she... she... Ooh, she can't clap

because her hands are red raw, a terrible affliction, can't clap.

You were recommending this?

Yes. It's a lovely eau de toilet.

Toilette. That's the one.

Well, er, I'd like to see how it smells.

Of course. Allow me.

Hm. Hm.

Hmmm!

Where's this Valentine lord fella taking you then?

We're going to see Matt Munro at the Talk Of The Town.

- Ooh, fancy pants. - Next time, I'll ask if he's got a friend.

What type do you fancy?

I like any type. Get off! Get off!

(LAUGHS) What are you gonna wear then?

Me smart dress.

Oh, nice, if you're going to a funeral.

Have you not got anything sparkly?

Close your eyes.

Oh, my god! Where did you get that?

It was me mum's, she loved a bit of ballroom back in the day,

so I'm told. What do you reckon?

You look like an explosion at a tinsel factory. (LAUGHS)

Oh! Well, what am I gonna wear then?

(SUCKS TEETH)

You leave this one to me.

Psst.

Hey! (GASPS)

What was in the other bag?

Diet pills, my dad sends them, I usually flush 'em down the lav

but, occasionally, they come in handy.

♪ Downtown

♪ Things will be great when you're

♪ Downtown

♪ No finer place for sure

♪ Downtown

♪ Everything's waiting for you ♪ Downtown

♪ Downtown... (CHATTER)

♪ Downtown... Here ya go, love.

♪ Downtown, Downtown

♪ Downtown. ♪

You look ravishing.

Campari and soda for the lady.

Thanks.

Oh, do I drink it or gargle it?

Come here often, do you? Well, let's just say

I have the occasional business rendezvous.

And what do you do after you've done your business?

- I beg your pardon? - Oh, sorry, that sounded wrong. (LAUGHS)

Um, I meant after the show, do you go backstage

and mingle with the stars? Or have a cocktail?

Oh, don't you worry, I have plans for us later.(LAUGHS)

Valentine, is that you?

Sidney.

And your lovely lady wife. Hello, Audrey. What a nice surprise.

(CHUCKLES) Aren't you going to introduce us?

Yes, this is Barbara, she's my... A secretary in my office.

Yeah, she's nuts about Matt Munro,

and when a ticket unexpectedly came up she jumped at the chance.

- Hm! - Well, Sidney, why don't we get the ladies a proper drink

and then we can discuss business. Would you excuse us?

We've got a table.

You're welcome to my Campari, Audrey, I haven't touched it.

No? I don't blame you. (LAUGHS) It smells like toilet bleach.

He may not be wearing a ring but he is married, you know?

Who? Sidney?

You know who I mean. He's married to Joan.

And they have two children.

But I don't expect your sort care much about that.

What sort is that, exactly?

A good-time girl.

Out for what she can get from unsuspecting married men.

Come along, ladies. Matt Munro is about to begin.

How's your wife, Valentine?

Um, she's a bit under - the weather, actually. - Hm.

I think I might have caught what she's got,

a touch of having the wool pulled over your eyes-itis.

It was nice to meet you, Audrey.

Sidney. And, Valentine, send my commiserations to Joan.

(CHATTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, you leaving already? Don't ask.

I like your dress. Borrowed from work.

Turns out I needn't have bothered.

Plus it's about as comfortable as being sewn into a wind sock.

Bloody nightmare if you need a wazz. (LAUGHS) The ladies is that way.

Shout if you need help with the zipper, I'll hold onto your coat.

Soft, what light from yonder window breaks.

Oh, you can bugger off and all.

Hey, you don't remember me, do you?

We met at the first night of that Arthur Askey film you were in.

What a revelation. I've not been in any film.

Matt Monro! My dear, I'm terribly sorry.

(LAUGHS) I could have sworn you were Sabrina.

I'm not bloody Sabrina! And you fellas might learn to tell us apart

if you ever bothered to look above a woman's neck.

Might I buy you a drink by way of apology?

- You've got to be joking. - I never joke, absolutely no sense of humour.

(LAUGHS) My name is Brian Debenham.

And this is my dear wife, Patsy.

Oh, I say, you are awfully pretty, - Right up your street, Brian. - Hm.

Rather like Sabrina. - She doesn't like to hear that. - Oh!

And I don't like it when men try to pick me up while their wives

- are watching! - But we're not trying to pick you up for kinky sex.

No, my dear. What I've got planned for you is much grubbier than that.

(LAUGHS) Was it something I said?

Everything. Come on, Patsy.

♪ For your sake I say

♪ Walk away

♪ Just go

♪ Walk away and live

♪ A life that's full

♪ With no regrets

♪ Don't look back at me

♪ Just try to forget

♪ Why build a dream...

Alone at last. We both know what we're here for.

(WHIMPERS) What are you doing?

I'm gonna have what I paid for. No! (DRESS RIPS)

No! (CRIES)

(CRIES) Ugh!

♪ Just run, run away

♪ Mm-mm... Ugh!

Kick him in the cock!

Ugh! Argh! Argh!

Oh!

♪ My tears will fall

♪ Now that you're gone

♪ I can't help but cry

♪ But I must go on

♪ I'm sad that I

♪ Have been searching so long

♪ You, I love you

♪ I love you. ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

Here, my business card.

We told you it was grubby.

Come and see me in the office sometime.

There's a lot of opportunity for a girl like you.

(CHUCKLES)

Take a taxi home, darling. The rain plays havoc with a hair piece.

(LAUGHS) Heavy night on the Babycham, was it?

How is our old pal, Valentine?

Valentine was not a gentleman.

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

I think the word gentleman in gentleman's friend

is a bit like the word public in public school.

Probably should have warned you.

Those perfume fellas just want it on a plate.

Thought you'd know that.

Why, what's the matter? You're not a virgin, are you?

Are you? (LAUGHS) Shut up!

The point is, you don't look like a virgin,

so you should probably expect fellas to have a crack.

No, Marj, the point is, it's one thing choosing to go with a fella,

it's quite another thing when a man thinks its his for the taking.

Right, well, come on missus,

get your clobber on, we're late for work.

Actually, Marj, could you drop the dress back with ladies' fashion,

I'm not up to hats today.

(SIGHS)

Sorry, I've only got enough coppers for me weekly call with me dad.

He says patience is a virtue.

He's not the one that's sitting in the freezing cold

eating pilchards from a tin.

Perfect timing.

(RADIO ON) George, look who's just dropped by

with a lovely bit of... tripe. Ha!

Eh up, Mr Parker. All right, Aiden.

Would you like a cuppa, Aiden? Oh, I'd love one.

I'm absolutely parched. George, where are your manners?

Go and make Aiden a nice cup of tea. No, wait.

George? Oh!

(PHONE RINGS)

Barbara, it's me. Aiden! What are you doing there?

What are you doing there? You've made your point,

it's time to stop faffing around and come home.

Please, I need to speak to me dad.

Here, here, there you go. Give us the phone.

Dad? Dad, are you there? Barbara?

Mayday, mayday!

Hey, how was Matt Munro?

Er, Dad...

(BEEPING)

Are you all right, love? Um...

Remember, love, if at first you don't succeed, come home and have...

(BEEPING)

(DISCONNECTED TONE) No!

♪ Pretend you're happy when you're blue

♪ It isn't very hard to do

♪ And you'll find happiness without an end

♪ Whenever you pretend

♪ Remember anyone can dream

♪ And nothing's as bad as it may seem. ♪

I don't think we were properly introduced.

I'm Barbara Parker.

Why are you here, Barbara Parker?

You gave me your business card.

No, I mean here in London.

Tell me all about yourself?

Hm? Oh! Um, I was born in Blackpool.

- Hmm! - And I came to London to be... someone.

Anyone in particular?

Are you tired? Listless? Run down?

Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Then try Vitavigavegivat.

Goodness gracious me.

Do you not know Lucille Ball?

What on earth has dear Lucille got to do with anything?

Wonderful legs, of course, but, unfortunately,

she was forced to make faces in order to pay the rent.

No. You, you have something different.(CLEARS THROAT)

You have star quality.

Hm!(CHUCKLES) Would you like an egg?

No, thank you.

Um, are you the agent of all these famous people?

Many have sat where you are sitting

at some point in their careers.

And the others I, er... (SNIFFS)

...pin up for inspiration.

So, let's get cracking.

(LAUGHS) We don't want the bloom to go off the rose, do we, er,

Barbara?

Any relevant experience?

Me dad says I'm good at doing voices.

Well, we'll be sure to put that on your curriculum vita.

No experience at all.

Not unless you count being Miss Blackpool Belle.

Miss Blackpool Belle? Well, now you're talking.

That is something I can work with. Hm, local beauty queen,

our very own Cinderella. I love it.

So, can I give up me job at Lewis Peters?

Well, let's not do anything rash...

(LAUGHS).. Barbara.

Barbara, what did you say your name was?

Parker. Barbara Parker.

Barbara is ever so slightly provincial, hm?

What do you think of Sophie?

Do I know her? No, I mean the name Sophie.

How about Sophie Straw? Hm?

It's modern, it's fresh, it's alliterative.

Hm! It's like Sandy Shaw.

Sophie Straw?

It sounds like a type of animal feed.

Precisely. If even I, a happily married man,

deeply in love with his wife, ends up thinking about

rolls in the hay with Sophie Straw,

imagine what all the unhappily married men will feel like?

Rolls in the hay? Well, figuratively speaking.

I'll be Sophie, I suppose, if you think it will help me get a job.

Wonderful news. To that end, I'll ask Patsy, my wife,

to go out shopping with you for a lovely gingham bikini.

- Bikini? - Hm. It's coming on winter.

Yeah, you can wear it for your auditions,

so that everyone can see your lovely shape.

If I wanted to shimmy about in me swimmers,

I could have stayed in Blackpool.

Are you telling me you actually want to act?

Oh, well, hm! That's it.

Well, we'll send you out on some auditions, with words,

and we'll call it a trial period.

A trial period, no bikinis.

Yet.

Ever. (LAUGHS)

Oh, Pats, will you get me the toast, please?

Of course, darling, butter on both sides?

♪ I can't sit still

♪ With the hippy hippy shakes

♪ Yeah, I get my fill now

♪ With the hippy hippy shakes

♪ Yeah, it's in the bag. ♪ Fancy a cuppa?

I've got news. Oh, I've got news too.

Shall I go first or...? You got the sack.

Sykesy told me to give you that letter

and tell you not to come back.

How did she know about the dress?

She saw it. Apparently, when they took it out the bag

in ladies' fashion, it was so crispy that it stood up on its own.

Did you get in trouble? No.

Sykesy gave a talking to all the girls in perfume,

make-up and fashion about loose - morals. - Oh, god! This is awful.

I know, she didn't bother with us in shoes

cos, apparently, we're not at risk. Rude.

Well, in that case,

it's just as well that I got myself a theatrical agent.

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

It's a brand-new farce called Move Over, Madam,

and your character is a flighty young debutante whom the male lead,

Nigel, is keen to tup.

He is, of course, prevented from doing so

by his shrewish hag of a wife.

Page 23, scene four.

And action!

For extra penetration, wash your whites in Ripples.

Mm! Ripples, for when things get really filthy.

No, Nigel! We can't do it here!

Not with your wife upstairs. Stop!

Her shape's all wrong for our brand.

I'm sorry, not this time, darling.

Are you trying something?

What? What do you mean am...? I mean, that there, the accent.

It's not an accent, it's how I talk.

Oh, dear.

Hiya.

Maybe you shouldn't try for that.

♪ If you should lose me

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ You'll lose a good thing

♪ If you should lose me

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ You'll lose a good thing. ♪

I'm either the wrong type, wrong shape, or just plain wrong.

Perhaps our accent is holding us back?

I thought kitchen-sink drama was all the rage.

For angry young men, dear.

Nobody wants an angry young woman to come romping around the stage

beating her breasts like an orangutan.

I can't help feeling we've rather run out of options

on the, er, speaking part front.

(PATSY TALKS ON PHONE INDISTINCTLY)

Go to this address, tell them I sent you.

And if you don't get this part, I'm afraid our trial period is over.

I'd rather be cleaning toilets.

There is a call about who you sent for casting in The Dining In.

Not a happy bunny.

And a very good morning to you too, Beryl.

"Why did you send to the casting of the role of the virgin bride

"an actress who is five months pregnant?"Oh!

"I have ceased with your services forever, Brian. "

I'm sorry you feel that way. (INDISTINCT) Oh!

(SIGHS) It's just a silly old comedy playhouse,

no money to be made there, darling.

Comedy playhouse? Comedy shit-house. - Pardon my French. - Comedy playhouse?

I'd love to do one of those. (LAUGHS)

Well, why didn't I think of that, eh? Look at this,

Cicely is well spoken, petite, brunette,

the varsity-educated daughter of a fucking clergyman!

Of course, you're perfect casting! Deep breath, deep breath, darling.

- Shall I loosen this? - Yes. I've spent my whole life being helpful.

(MUSIC PLAYS).. written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner,

directed and produced by Dennis Mohindra.

Thank you so much. Marvellous work as always. We'll be in touch.

Oh, could you show - Marcie out, please? - Of course.

We can catch up on all the theatre gossip.

I hear there's been much ado about nothing

over Richard Burton's Hamlet. (LAUGHS)

Hello? - Oh! My goodness! - Oh!

Um...

Sorry. I'll give you a hand. No, sorry. Yes.

I haven't missed it, have I? The audition?

I just saw Beryl in the corridor and she said to get a wriggle on.

Beryl said that?

Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Miss...

Um... Sorry. We weren't, um, expecting anyone else.

My agent definitely arranged for me to meet you at 20 past.

Er, Beryl said to start without her.

I'm Sophie Straw.

Er, Dennis. Dennis Mohindra. (GASPS) Mr Mohindra!

I've listened to every single Awkward Squad,

it's the best thing since... sausages.

Sorry, I don't even know what - that means. - Nice, well, thank you.

(LAUGHS) Could you give me just one moment?

Um, apparently, there's one more young lady for us.

Oh, Jesus, seriously? I thought we all decided on Marcia Bell.

You might have decided on Marcia Bell on the basis that

- you want to fuck her. - Oh, that ship's already sailed, actually.

But we haven't decided, right, Tony?

Well, she looks right for the part, she's a very good classical actress

- but is she funny? - Er, no. She doesn't have to be funny.

I'm funny. The script's funny... in places.

Oh, steady on, Clive, you almost gave the writers a compliment.

In that case, I take it back. Fascinating as this discussion is,

can we hear the young lady read, we've got to be out of here by 6pm.

Well, bring her in, surely she can't be

more wrong for the part than the other 20 we've seen.

Hi, everyone. (LAUGHS)

So sorry, Miss Straw. Er, please.

I'm joking, apologies. For some stupid reason,

I imagined Cicely as the well-educated, upper class,

petite, brunette daughter of a vicar.

I am brunette, honest. Under the peroxide.

I know I don't look like how you imagine Cicely

but you lot don't look like how I imagined.

I thought you'd all be tweedy posh lads with pipes.

You're Clive, aren't you?

Yes, you've seen me on the stage. Did you catch his Coriolanus?

No, I had the vaccine. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. No I just... I recognised his voice from the Awkward Squad.

Captain Smythe. Described by one critic as having

the most irritating voice since Peter Sellers played Bluebottle.

And he's not even putting it on. - Hmm! - Are you Bill or Tony?

I'm Bill. That's got to be a first. Usually nobody knows

the writers' names until they've read their obituary.

A- hem! Er, chaps, shall we push on and let Miss Straw read?

Yes, do let's hear her read. What have you prepared?

Prepared? Well, I didn't really have time.

(IMITATES TRUMPET PLAYING)

The Awkward Squad was written by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes

and produced by Dennis Mohindra.

Sparky was played by Frank Hector.

And... Ooh!

Private Private was played by... (GIGGLES).. somebody private.

And... (GASPS).. Captain Smythe

was played by Clive Richardson!

What the...?

Ah, Beryl, perfect timing. We were just auditioning Sophie.

Who? Sophie Straw.

Spoke to her in the corridor? I gather she's on your list?

She most certainly is not.

We've never met. Sophie, I thought you said...

Yeah, I rather think you've been made a fool of, Dennis.

As if we'd ever cast someone like her.

Sophie. Er, please, let me.

Thank you.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHATTER AND WHISTLING)

AccessibleCustomerService@sky. uk

♪ I've got some troubles but they won't last

♪ I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass

♪ And pretty soon all my troubles will pass

♪ Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo

♪ Shoo-shoo-shoo

♪ Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town. ♪

You wanna be an actress? Aye think aye left may hombug hair?

My future lies in one man's hands. Good looks and comic ability

rarely go hand in hand.

You've got the job. (SHOUTING IN DELIGHT)

I wasn't sure about 'em kissing and cuddling.

It's modern.

Chemistry's particularly good tonight.

Don't let anyone tell you you can't do what you want to do.

It's up to me what you say and when you get to say it.

Times are changing. Get with it, or get out of my way.

Sorry I let you down.