Original subtitles

[ Thunderclap ]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[ Thunderclap ]

Fellow citizens of the galaxy, I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you. I am being held against my will,

my potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life...

nullified by the ignorant and cruel indigenous population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance,

Mike Pillsbury.

[ Beeping ]

[ Pulsating ]

[ Beeping ]

Yes !

Yes. Yes, come and get me !

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Mike ] The Hanzels were a peaceful race.

They were little pink people with long pointy ears,

and they lived on a planet far beyond the Milky Way.

A planet with two moons and a purple sun.

There was no war, no-- no hunger.

Nothing to be ticked off about...

until the day the Jongs attacked !

Thousands of spaceships bristling with-- with force fields and weapons...

surrounded the planet !

The Hanzels looked up ! They knew nothing would ever be the same !

They knew most of them would be doomed !

- Doomed ? - Do-o-o-o-med !

Wh-What happened ?

The Hanzels were unprepared and quickly overrun. There was blind panic !

- The parents tried to save their children ! - This is too sad.

It gets worse !

- [ Sighs ] - Wh-What happened ? You can’t stop now !

Oh, I don’t know if you can take it, Jay. This is hard stuff.

Tell it anyway !

They say a person’s life flashes before their eyes before their final moment.

The father thought of his family, and then--

- [ Gasps ] - Where to go ? What to do ?

Only one thought screamed out in the mother’s brain--

- Save the baby ! - Yes, yes, save the baby !

[ Computer Beeping ]

Oh, come on, Mike. Is she gonna die ?

I told you it was gonna get bad.

- You’re giving the guy a mental breakdown. - I admit it.

It’s a good story, isn’t it ? He thinks so.

Oh, yeah, sure. What a judge.

He thinks the back of a cereal box is like Shakespeare.

Shut up ! Do they die, the Hanzels ?

- Did you kill them ? - Ah, it’s never that simple.

[ Jay ] A space pod !

Yes, a space pod.

If the baby was to live, it had to be sent away to a new home, a new planet.

- Where does it land ? - Here on Earth.

The boy will be adopted and raised as an earthling.

But... he’ll never really feel at home.

He’ll never--

He’ll never feel like he belongs.

He’ll never feel as though this is the place he was meant to spend his life.

I’ll tell you something. You take this being weird thing entirely too seriously.

Why don’t you just accept the fact that you’re a normal human being like everyone else ?

All right. All right.

[ Man ] Mike, let’s go !

Mike ? Come on. Come on. We got to get to the field by 4:00.

All right. One second, Dad.

[ Rolling Thunder ]

- Easy for him to say. - Well, he was on the team when he was a kid.

Yeah, and guys like Scott Schriebner probably ran him over then,

just like they do to you now.

Well, he says it’s discipline, competitive spirit.

He says it’ll be good for my character.

[ Groans ]

[ Crowd Chattering ]

Great defense work, Pillsbury.

Tell me, is the idea that the oncoming tackle trips over you ?

In the excitement, I missed that, Schriebner. Did he ?

No, you missed him. They got a first down !

- [ Cheerleaders ] Go, Arts, go ! - [ Scoffs ]

Go, Arts ! Go, Arts, go !

Go...

Arts, go !

Come on !

Oh, and get your mind off the cheerleaders, Pillsbury.

For you, that’s a lost cause.

Go !

- Let’s go ! - All right, let’s go. Let’s go !

[ Announcer On P.A. ] Nash is in the huddle.

And he calls it.

Steps back in the pocket.

Looking for his man.

It’s a long toss down the center of the field !

- [ Boy ] Get him ! - Heavy coverage.

And an interception by number-- by number 11.

Mike Pillsbury ? He’s going to the 30.

The 40, the 50. He’s going downfield, folks !

- Oh ! - [ Growling ]

- He’s doubling back. He’s going the wrong way ! - What is he doing ?

- [ All ] Huh ? - Mike Pillsbury is going the wrong way !

- Back to the 20. - This is bad, right ?

- Isn’t he going the wrong way ? - Oh, God !

Pillsbury, stop ! You idiot, you’re running the wrong way !

- [ Opponents Yelling ] - Aah !

[ Announcer ] He’s down at the ten.

Come on. Let’s get down there.

- [ Whistle Blows ] - What’s wrong ?

[ Groaning ]

What planet are you from ?

No ! Don’t let them get me !

- [ Growls ] - Oh, they want my brain ! They want my brain !

I think they already took it.

How’s he doing ? Is he going to be all right ?

Okay, let’s go.

Is he dead ? Can I have his CD collection ?

Oh, he’s not dead. Are you, son ? No, you’re not.

- You will learn from your mistakes. - We’re awfully proud of you.

[ Dad ] While that cannot be overemphasized, Mike,

you’ll never claim your varsity jacket by trying to score touchdowns for the other team.

Remember the three L’s: listen, look, learn.

Huh ? [ Laughs ] Good luck, son. We love you.

- [ Groaning ] - [ Whistle Blows ]

[ Mike ] Make a correction 27 degrees west, 35 degrees north.

Mike ? Mike ! Honey.

Mike, can I get a little airtime here ?

Oh, yeah, sure, Mom. Cancel correction.

[ Beeping ]

No, not yet.

- Okay, we got it vectored. Yeah, I see a picture. - ♪♪ [ Polka ]

Now is he seeing the same image I am ?

Good. Well, okay, but before you patch him through,

let’s make sure we’re on the same page with this, okay ?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, it’s nothing that subtitles won’t solve.

- Hi, Mom. - Yeah. Okay, well, put him through.

Hi, sweetie.

Hello. Hier ist Pamela.

[ Speaking German ]

♪♪ [ TV, Continues ]

How’s your head ?

You’re inquiring about my welfare ?

No, just the health of your head.

What do you want, Jill ?

I could have guessed.

Come on. I need to pass this computer class.

What is a bio service routine ?

A bio service routine is nothing more than an interrupt handler.

Basically, PCs are controlled by the use of interrupts.

When an interrupt occurs, the control of the computer...

is transferred to an interrupt handling subroutine process...

that’s often stored in the system’s ROM, a bio service routine.

- Are you sure ? - Does a tesseract exist in four dimensions ?

You are definitely from another planet.

Ha ha. Fantastic.

Okay, rise and shine, AT&T.

And how are we today ?

[ Oinking ]

Mike ! Mike, are you in there ?

- Huh ? - I just went from stocks to stockyards.

- What gives ? - Oh, sorry.

I needed the extra RAM for a little programming project.

I’m using this new graphics card that I tweaked a bit,

and now it just eats up memory like a gulper eel.

- Ooh. - Son, you need more fresh air.

I’m gonna climb out from under the office, and you and I,

we’re gonna practice some football moves, huh ?

Uh, Dad,

Dad, um...

I don’t know about football anymore.

Maybe it’s not for me.

Mike, I don’t wanna hear the word "can’t."

- Did I say "can’t" ? - I have faith in you.

No, no. You can do anything you put your mind to,

including running downfield as a halfback.

Hopefully, in the right direction.

- Thanks, Dad. I know, but I just don’t think it’s-- - No buts about it.

"Anything," Mike. That’s the word for the day.

- "Anything." - Okay, "anything."

"Anything."

So, how about running off those farm animals and giving me back my stock market ?

Sure.

[ Sighs ]

- [ Bell Rings ] - [ Chattering ]

- Ow ! - Amazing. A physical reaction.

He’s alive.

Scott Schriebner, big man on campus.

Muscles, good-looking athlete, computer whiz-- how perfect can a guy get ?

- Oh, it’s nauseating. - Yeah, too bad he’s a perfect jerk.

Everybody, boot up !

Ms. Nickerson.

There’s a seat here for you if you want.

- Um, no thanks. - What are you doing ?

- Is someone sitting here ? - No.

[ Nickerson ] Open your textbooks...

to page 2-6-8, paragraph five.

Now please.

[ Beeping ]

You’re gonna let him get away with that ?

Yes, do it, Mike. Make him suffer.

- [ Computer Beeping ] - [ Computer Voice ] You have mail.

Oh... my.

Class, it appears...

that I have to attend to something in the office.

If you’ll excuse me.

[ Laughter ]

Now for the coup de grace.

- ♪♪ [ "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" ] - [ Oinking, Squealing ]

- [ Snorting ] - [ Laughter ]

♪♪ [ "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" ]

- It’s your head. - [ All Laughing ]

That’s good, Mike !

[ Mike ] As cruel and wicked as the Jong were, they were not without friends.

And the Mantix, who resembled overgrown sewer rats, were their allies.

Rats ? Ew-w-w-w !

On orders from the Jongs, the Mantix invaded.

Not from the sky, but from the ground under our feet !

Whoa !

The intruders were unarmed, except for the nasty mucous glands in their pointed snouts.

They slimed us into submission.

That is so nasty !

With everything else you’ve stuffed in this place,

you think you would have installed a stupid phone.

- It’s designed for privacy. - Uh, you’ve got a visitor. Katelyn... somebody.

- [ Scoffs ] Yeah, right. - You wish, Mike.

Fine. Be that way. I don’t care.

Oh, um, she’s waiting in your room.

Man, your sister has a sick sense of humor.

Right. Like-- Like Katelyn Sandman’s...

gonna come to my house and wait in my room.

And Scott Schriebner’s on his way to ask for your advice...

on how to be a better football player.

But you’re an interesting person. What if she really is there...

waiting... for her story ?

A story.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Hey. It’s like Frankenstein’s lab in here. Did you build all these ?

It’s kinda what I do in my spare time.

When you’re not playing football.

I’m better at stuff when I’m on my own.

The whole team thing kind of confuses me, I guess.

I noticed. What does this do ?

This ? Uh, it’s a transmitter.

Kind of. It takes digitalized data right through here--

like anything from a computer-- and it sends it out instantly.

Zap ! Right out into space to the farthest reaches of the universe,

beyond time and imagination.

Wow ! How did you think of that ?

Thinking of it’s easy. Making it work seems to be a bit more complicated.

Sure looks like it’d work.

So, uh, wh-why are you here ?

Oh. The prank you pulled in Nickerson’s class was brilliant.

- It got me thinking. - About what ?

I’m doing the decorations for the Halloween dance.

I don’t have a huge budget or anything,

but I know if I just put up orange crepe paper, it’ll be a dud.

So, I want something new. Something... high tech, creative.

You’re the man to help me do it.

The man ? I am ? Me ?

W-Wow ! The-- The man.

Yeah, I’ll-- Why not ? Definitely. Absolutely.

So that mean’s yes ?

Yes ! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- You’re a genius. - It’s gonna work.

- We make such a great team. - Who’d have thought ?

What do you mean ? What’s so surprising about it ?

I don’t know. You’re, you know,

Katelyn Sandman, head cheerleader and everything.

And I’m just... Mike Pillsbury.

You know, for being such a genius, you sure are an idiot.

Some people say you tell great stories.

When are you gonna tell me one ?

Uh, no, no, no. That’s-- That’s-- That’s nothing.

That’s just stuff I tell my friend’s little brother to pass the time.

Well, I’ve got some time now.

Okay. [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Um...

Our spaceship was over a mile long and half that wide.

It was built for a long journey.

The adults always looked ahead for a safe voyage...

- and behind for the evil... - [ Clattering ]

Schriebner.

Been looking all over for you, Katelyn. Bunch of us are on our way out to eat.

- You wanna come ? - Yeah, sure.

Let’s take a break. Come on. You must be hungry.

Did I invite him ? I don’t think so.

Hey, who said I’d go with you anyway, Schriebner ?

I’m busy, you know ? I don’t have time like you....

to stuff myself with some greasy hamburger.

But, you know, go ahead. Put on a few. Clog up your arteries.

Graduate from halfback to fullback.

Shut up, Pillsbury. What are you doing with this guy ?

- What is all this junk ? - Hey, it’s not junk, okay ?

- And it’s all under control without you. - Hey. Hey !

Tell everyone I say hi. Okay ?

Nothing like the dreaded Schriebner to get your blood boiling, huh ?

- What ? - Nothing.

Nothing. Just-- Just--

Schriebner. I would have thought you’d have gone,

but-- but you didn’t.

Forget it. I should probably stop speaking right now.

Well, I agree. You should stop speaking.

You know, strangely enough, I’m hungry.

You know, strangely enough, so am I.

- Let’s go. - All right.

- Whoa ! - Shut up.

Katelyn ropes Pillsbury into helping her on this stupid dance.

All of a sudden, he’s got a swelled head.

It’s time to cut him down to size if you ask me.

And...

I think...

I know how.

Oh, yeah.

- Ooh, great tuxedo ! - Thanks.

I’ve seen it all. He is soldering his cummerbund.

- Shut up. - Uh, kids, please.

You know, your mother and I realized something.

In all the chaos of our day-to-day life,

we never sent you to dance lessons.

- [ Mom ] Mm-hmm. - Dad, I don’t think--

This is a little something that I distributed to a chain of stations...

throughout the Canary Islands and for closed circuit on cruise ships.

Ten Easy Lessons.

♪♪ [ Humming Tango ]

Oh, boy.

So, lights on a cummerbund.

- You like it ? - Pretty nifty.

- [ Clamoring ] - Mike ?

- Mike, where are you ? - Katelyn, Katelyn, I’m here. I’m here !

Mike, hey ! Quick, we don’t have much time. Let’s go !

It’ll only take a minute to boot up.

- Okay. - All right. Okay.

Put this on.

Mike, before all this begins,

I just want to say that I had so much fun doing this with you.

Me too.

So, can you put this thing on autopilot so we have a chance to dance ?

Actually, that’s just a matter of two keystrokes.

- Okay. Hurry. - Right.

[ Computer Beeps ]

Testing. Testing. Testing, testing, testing. Check. Check.

Okay, turn the speaker on six, right. All right.

Um, that should be okay. Oh, there’s the CDs. Right. Okay.

- [ Chuckles ] - Shh !

- ♪♪ [ Fanfare ] - We’re ready.

Everybody, come on in.

Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the Ashby Annual Halloween Dance.

A moment before we begin. Quiet. Quiet, please.

This production was brought to you by Mike Pillsbury’s...

Star Field Intergalactic Communications and Entertainment Corporation.

That’s me. As well as the talented and inspirational, Katelyn Sandman,

- [ Cheering ] - who first came up with the idea...

that orange crepe paper just wouldn’t make it.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

And now, let the games begin.

♪♪ [ Dance ]

♪♪ [ Indistinct ]

♪♪ [ Rap, Indistinct ]

♪ Rock the place till the place gets loose, fresh one the house transmission ♪

♪ Everybody write your decision ♪

♪ Peace and equality Let’s stay together Let’s live in harmony ♪

♪ All alone and I’m bad to the bone ♪

Push the button. Oh, please, push the button.

♪ Feel the beat ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ]

- Mike, what’s happening ? - I don’t know what’s wrong.

♪♪ [ Distorted ]

- Mike ! - I can’t stop it !

[ Girls Screaming ]

I-I don’t know what’s wrong !

♪♪ [ Extremely Fast ]

Oh ! I’ve got it !

Mrs. Nickerson, don’t !

Mrs. Nickerson, don’t !

[ Laughter ]

Hey.

Mike, no. Hey, it’s okay.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

Fellow citizens of the galaxy, I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you. I am being held against my will,

my potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life...

nullified by the ignorant and cruel indigenous population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance,

Mike Pillsbury.

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

Yes !

Yes. Yes, come and get me !

Will someone just listen for once ?

[ Dad ] Okay, let’s look at the positive.

- Insurance will cover the destroyed satellite dish. - [ Mom ] Uh-huh.

- You’re still alive. - And none of the kids at the dance were hurt.

[ Mike ] I just can’t face anybody.

- [ Mom ] Oh. - [ Dad ] Mike, you’re overreacting.

Excuse me. It’s good that he suffers.

This family is now reduced to a paltry choice of ordinary network programming.

That’s true, but somehow I know we’ll survive.

Mike, I want you to get right back up on that horse, put on those pants,

- brush those teeth, go back to school. - That’s it, hon.

- Your varsity jacket awaits. - [ Mom ] Absolutely.

The least you could do is help me with my homework.

The speed of train "A" is 12 miles an hour slower than train "B."

- Train "A"-- - Jill, I’ve lost my will to solve.

Sorry.

[ Chattering ]

Um... what ?

Nothing.

[ Sighs ]

What the--

Uh... hey !

Where did you come from ?

How did you get in here, boy ?

Please don’t touch. My people are a superior race,

and we abhor casual contact with primitives.

- You talk ? - Through my translating device, yes.

This is not happening. My mind has finally snapped.

I’m afraid you’re quite sane and gifted with an abundant intelligence.

- You do talk. - Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been able to open the door.

- Door ? - The "stargate."

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Barnabus from the star system Puppis.

- Oh, boy. - I represent a galactarian organization--

disaster relief, rights violations.

Nonprofit, of course.

I’m hallucinating ! If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go lie down.

But that’s impossible, Mike Pillsbury, we have to go.

- Go where ? - Off this planet.

- Off this planet ? - That was your intention, wasn’t it,

- when you sent the message ? - You got it ?

Of course. And the longer we delay the departure,

the more complex it all becomes.

Well, I really appreciate you coming all this way and all, but I don’t believe you exist.

I gotta go.

Mike Pillsbury, you were the one who pleaded that you were trapped on an oppressive planet.

- How did you get down here ? - Don’t delay, Mike Pillsbury.

Others from all over the galaxy are travelling through the gate to find you.

- They won’t have your best interests at heart. - Excuse me.

Please, trust no one but me.

Be ready to leave the next time I see you.

I’m delirious or maybe I’m just hungry.

Ahh !

[ Beeping ]

What stinks ?

Oh ! Eww !

- [ Grunting ] - [ Screams ]

[ Panting ] I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming. I’m--

- [ Grunts ] - Not dreaming.

[ Groaning, Chuckles ]

Yes. [ Chuckles ]

What... are you ?

I am the Bom. Your new best friend.

[ Chuckles ] You need my help, Mike Pillsbury.

And I’ve come to handle your case.

- Case ? What-- What case ? - I can get you millions in galactic credits.

You will be taken care of for life.

[ Chuckles ]

Shall we... go ?

- What ? - Hmm ?

[ Laughing ]

- W-Well, uh-- - [ Phone Rings ]

- [ Gasps ] - Excuse me.

- [ Phone Continues Ringing ] - Hello ?

- Mike, it’s Katelyn. - Katelyn, uh,

- Oh ! - What a surprise ! I thought you-- we--

- What’s up ? - I wanted to apologize. We need to lighten up.

- We’re taking this too hard. - Yes, right, we gotta lighten up.

I can do that.

I’m so sorry. It seems we can’t even talk to each other.

Things have gotten so out of hand.

That’s what made me make this phone call, but what happened wasn’t your fault.

The more I think of it, it must have been sabotage.

- Disgusting ! - Mike ?

I’m here. Sorry. What were you saying ?

I was saying that I haven’t been very fair to you.

- And I wanted to get past all this and move ahead. - [ Grumbling ]

You know, you’re a great guy.

- [ Katelyn Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Straining ]

- [ Sighs ] - Mike ?

[ Belches ]

- [ Yelling ] - Mike, are you there ?

- Mike ? Mike ! - Oh, that stinks !

- What are you talking about ? - Stop it !

- What ? - No, no, no, no, it’s not you.

Mike, you’re not making this any easier.

It’s, uh, a plumber ! A plumber !

Yeah, the bathroom’s all backed up. It’s--

- Gross. - Yeah.

I wanted to say that I miss you, and I hope there’s some way we can be friends again.

- I think we had something good going on. - [ Growling ]

...the funnier it is to me and the less I care.

- [ Grumbling ] - So, what do you say ?

-Oh, that’s nauseating ! -Mike, are you listening to me ?

Sorry. Sorry. Uh, go on, Katelyn.

Well, I wanted to know if we could start over ?

But I don’t get the feeling that you’re paying attention to me at all.

What is happening over there ? [ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Mike Screaming ]

- I’m gonna be sick ! - Forget I called !

[ Dial Tone ]

You wrecked my phone call !

Ah, that was delicious.

- Do you have any more ? - No !

Oh. Well, perhaps it will make you feel better to know...

that I am what you earthlings call a lawyer.

What ?

Perhaps it will make you feel better to know you have an open-and-shut case...

against the Earth government.

- What are you talking about ? - Lawsuit, my dear boy.

The intergalactic statute is black and white.

No life-form of superior intelligence...

shall be subject to exposure to substandard-- don’t touch --

environmental, psychological...

or emotional life circumstance.

In short, we can sue the pants off of planet Earth. [ Laughs ]

No, no, no. I don’t wanna sue anybody.

See, see, I was upset, and I had this idea...

that I’d call for help, but I-I never thought--

You never thought what ?

[ Sighs ]

I never thought you guys would really come.

Well, we did.

And no one will offer you a better fee structure than myself.

Well, sorry, but--

but no.

You think you’re sorry now.

Wait till you hear from my lawyers.

I’m suing you for wasting my time. Hmm !

[ Belches ]

Eww !

Okay, what’s the big surprise ?

- Hey, come on in. - Eww, who barfed ?

Oh, no, no, no, no, it’s not barf. See ? It’s an emission.

- From whose nose ? - Oh, no, no, no, no, he got my message.

See, I had a visitor. He called himself a Bom. He was an alien.

Oh, oh, and there’s Barnabus. He looks like a dog, but he’s not a dog.

He’s an alien too. He had this, uh, this--

- [ Laughing ] - What ?

What ?

You puked up your room, and now you gotta make up a story.

It’s not a story ! Come on. He was here. He used a stargate.

Oh. That’s an original.

Yeah, yeah, it looked just like a drainpipe.

Just right out of there.

- A drainpipe. - Yeah !

Yeah !

Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not lying. It’s the truth.

Come on. You gotta believe me !

You got me worried, man.

It’s gotten so bad that you can’t tell the difference...

between real life and your own imagination.

No. No, no, Nick. Come on. Give me some slack.

I wouldn’t make this up. Come on, Nick ! Don’t, don’t go, Nick !

See you guys tomorrow, okay ? And we’ll make some plans for what to do next weekend.

- Thanks for helping us. - Thanks for coming.

If you happen to see Kathy, tell her to call me, okay ?

- We will. - I’ll tell her. I won’t forget.

Thanks.

[ Car Engine Starts ]

- Bye. - See you tomorrow.

Mike Pillsbury, I don’t mean to nag, but we’ve really got to go.

I-I can’t just take off in a spaceship for some distant planet.

I freaked out at sleep-away camp. Sorry.

Mike Pillsbury, I don’t understand you.

Why are you walking off right when we need to talk ? That doesn’t make any sense.

You sent out a galactic-wide call for help without having thought it through.

I’m-- I’m sorry. Kids feel desperate sometimes.

Then I got some-- some talking dog and some slime-bucket alien lawyer.

- I don’t even know how this happened. - What lawyer ?

He said he was a Bom.

The Bom ? The Bom was here already ? Oh, I was afraid of this.

Mike Pillsbury, you have opened up a can of worms.

Can of worms ?

When you sent out your call, you also signaled to the universe...

- that this planet has advanced to a certain technological level. - That’s good !

That’s bad. Because of what you’ve done,

Earth no longer falls under the intergalactic protection for primitive life.

Oh, no, no, no. You don’t understand. The whole thing was an accident.

Lightning hit the dish. I don’t even know how it really worked, okay ?

But it did, and no one will believe that you had no control over it.

I can see what your life has become.

You’re disgusted, fed up with people.

I can take you to a place where you can be yourself, be by yourself.

Maybe that’s not such a bad idea.

But first, I have to tie up some loose ends.

I’d like to say good-bye to someone if you don’t mind.

The girl ? If you must.

I’ll return when you’re ready.

Katelyn, could I talk to you for a minute ?

Katelyn !

I tried calling you to make things right, and you were rude.

- No, no, no, that wasn’t me. That was-- - You were rude and disgusting.

- I’m sorry, but-- - I don’t understand how you could come here.

What could you possibly want ?

A second chance.

Please ?

I’ll be down in a second, but, Mike, this is your last chance.

[ Gasps ]

How do you do ?

I wonder if you could spare a few moments of your time ?

I have an interesting proposition for you.

I would like to be your agent and represent you for all media throughout the galaxy,

- Mike Pillsbury. - [ Katelyn ] Mike ?

- [ Chuckles ] Excuse me. - Let her go ! What did you do ?

Ah, don’t worry. She’ll be fine. We need to go somewhere more, uh,

[ Clears Throat ] private.

[ Grunts ] Let me go !

Not until you hear my proposition !

Sorry. Had to do that. You know, I just love a captive audience.

Going up. Whoo-hoo !

- So, the story is classic. - [ Grunts ]

Young boy gifted with superior intelligence,

but alone in life, reaches out.

He’s carried to another world where he must start anew.

An emigrant of galactic proportions !

Your character will be a unique creature...

carving out a new life on a world light-years from his home.

Will he return ? Will he find love, redemption ?

- All stories must have redemption. - Stop it !

- Huh ? - [ Breathing Heavily ]

All right. What do you want ?

If we marry with the proper creative elements,

I think your life has a good chance of being a springboard for a weekly series.

There’s no end to the episodes--

- What are you talking about ? - Predicaments, twists, turns,

fish out of water, boy away from home.

And I love the emotional levels. Of course, it’s not worth anything without emotion.

- It’s gotta hit where it hurts. Mike, can we talk ? - Will you shut up ?

That’s what I like to see. Feisty !

You’ll need that for this business, kid. I happen to have papers.

An option, you know, to protect my own time and energy.

Aah ! Not the eyes.

- Watch it ! Ow ! Ooh ! - You’re messing everything up !

- Will you put me back on the porch ? - Stop that or I’ll fictionalize !

Well, if you feel that way about it.

[ Scoffs ] Whoa !

Ow.

Mike ?

Katelyn !

Katelyn !

[ Mom ] Mike, honey, aren’t you hungry ? You haven’t eaten a thing.

Mom, Dad... would you tell me if I were adopted ?

Is everything all right ? You look stressed out.

- Well, would you ? - [ Mom ] You’re not adopted.

Even if you were adopted, we would love you just as much.

- "If" ? - You’re not adopted. He’s not adopted.

- You told me he’s adopted. - Jill, stop it.

Sure you did. Admit it. The guy came from another planet and you took him in.

- Jill ! - Right away they took you to a plastic surgeon...

to get rid of your antennae.

Jill, what do we say about empathy ?

Okay.

Well, could I have been switched at the hospital ?

[ Jill ] Sure. It’s entirely possible.

In fact, the day you were born, the hospital was inundated with ugly babies.

- Jill. - They couldn’t tell one from another.

- Jill, please. - He’s going through separation anxiety.

The classic adolescent struggle to pull away from one’s parents.

Mike, honey,

why would you think you were switched at birth ?

I will be happy to show you your birth certificate.

And, yes, you are a human being.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions.

Hey, Mike ! Mike, it’s me, Nick. Remember me ?

- Oh, hey. Sorry. - You’re a wreck.

Well, it’s been hard to sleep with everything that’s been going on.

- What’s been going on ? - Aliens.

- Oh, aliens. - Come on. I told you.

Have I ever told you about my Uncle Luther ?

He was convinced that a martian took up residence in the tank of his toilet.

That’s entirely possible.

Yeah, but if everyone else looked in the toilet tank and saw plumbing,

- what does that make Uncle Luther ? - I’m not crazy.

You need a vacation.

Hang in there. Thanksgiving’s not that far away.

By that time, it’ll probably be light-years.

Have you heard anything I’ve said about the value of reality ?

- [ Thunderclap ] - [ All Talking At Once ]

Cut to the chase ! You need a friend, Pillsbury,

to tell you you’re making a terrible mistake...

in leaving planet Earth.

- ’Cause I’d like to give you the exclusive franchise... - I know !

to market the one, the only, Jarmonica.

What does it do, you may ask ? You can slice with it,

you can dice with it, you can grate any vegetable in the known universe.

Don’t let him dice you up. The point is to dice someone else up.

[ Chuckles ] Make someone pay.

Hey, the show is just beginning.

We’ll diversify into merchandising.

You’ll be Earth’s primary franchisee !

Silk screen T-shirts. Your face on breakfast cereal boxes.

Wanna go out on a date ? It would be lots of fun.

It must be contagious. I’ve lost my mind, just like you.

We’d have a great time. Let’s cruise Andromeda.

Your signature would ratify our agreement. Please, sign, sign, sign !

You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

- [ Chuckling ] - I can’t believe this.

I’m just one big opportunity for you.

- Yeah. - Huh ? - Huh ?

[ Bom ] Well, isn’t that more than what you have here on Earth ?

Now, you said no one cares. I care.

There’s no reason we can’t include a clause...

calling for biannual audits to protect your interest.

We’re not leaving until we get an answer.

Just remember, coming with me would be a big blast.

- Don’t try to interfere with my client ! - Your client ?

Mike Pillsbury is my client.

[ Alien ] Don’t listen to old salad head over there. He’s clearly not for you.

I just can’t wait to show Mikey the galaxies.

[ Aliens Chattering ]

Mike, come on back, baby. Come on. I’ve got a deal that will set you up for life.

- Barnabus, where are you ? - Come on, Mike.

I’m holding each and every one of you personally responsible.

You just let one great client walk right out the door, and I can’t stand it.

Money-back guarantee.

[ Arguing Continues ]

[ Nick ] This is insane. You can’t do this.

Come on. At least wait until your parents get back.

Come on, Mike. Don’t go through with this.

Mike. Mike !

The aliens are right. I have to face this. I was never meant to live here.

At least in another world, I can make a new life.

[ Knock At Door ]

I think this is yours.

- Thank you. - Y-You drive me crazy.

First, you make more sense than anybody I’ve ever known in my life,

- and then you don’t make any sense at all. - I’ve had a lot on my mind.

And... in a few minutes, I’ll be leaving for another planet.

Oh, another planet. You are too much !

Look. There’s a group of aliens in my backyard,

and all I have to do is close a deal and I’m off.

I wish I could tell you he was a lunatic, but I--

- What else could he be ? - Katelyn ?

I’m sorry about the dance.

I’m sorry too.

For a while, you gave me a feeling that no one else ever did.

What was that ?

That I belonged here.

Good-bye, Katelyn.

[ Alien ] I’m holding each and every one of you personally responsible.

[ Aliens Arguing ]

Okay, guys. Let’s work it out.

Who’s it gonna be ? Who’s the lucky alien today ?

[ Alien ] Have a look at that !

I think you’ll find it’s very well thought out and covers all the points we discussed.

That’s the certificate of authorship.

It’s ironclad. Don’t worry.

It’ll be fun, Mikey. My parents would just die.

And don’t forget, Mike Pillsbury, I can make you,

and your sidekick there, household names throughout the known galaxies.

And my fee ? Well, only a small 30 percent of your earnings.

Ignore this charlatan ! Sign with me,

and you’ll be making the universe a better place.

Bringing the joys of the one, the only,

Jarmonica, to billions of beings.

I don’t even know what a Jarmonica is !

Why, it’s your future, Mike Pillsbury.

You would be wise, young Pillsbury,

to have me broker any deals you make with those two.

[ Scoffs ] Or anyone else.

For your own protection, of course.

- What are you saying ? - I resent that.

[ All Arguing At Once ]

- Can’t we all just get along ? - Mike Pillsbury.

Barnabus, where have you been ?

A refugee disaster near Alpha Centauri. Very nasty.

A talking dog ? Oh, my gosh.

You must listen to me.

You’ll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

- Mike. - Katelyn.

I wanted to make sure you’re okay.

[ Explosion ]

[ Aliens All Talking At Once ]

A Thoad. Run for the hills !

[ Screams ]

Never mind.

What-- What was that ? Aliens ?

From all over the galaxy.

Uncle Luther was right.

- We should have listened. - Why did they run ?

A Thoad ! The worst worm is about to crawl out of the can you opened up, Mike Pillsbury.

He’ll find the choicest specimens and snatch them.

And then he’ll tell his friends. More and more Thoads will come,

and more and more specimens will be snatched.

It’s always my fault ! I can’t stand it !

I never thought the thing would work.

If the beam was truly a result of an accident and not superior intelligence,

we could appeal the case, but that--

[ Growling ]

- I think we’re out of time. - What do we do ?

Leave now !

Mike, what is this ? It’s great !

- Jay ! - This is so cool !

- Jay, come down ! - [ Alien Growls ]

- Aah ! - Jay !

Oh, gosh.

Jay, Jay !

[ Jay’s Voice Echoing ] Mike, what is this ?

Jay ! Jay ?

[ Barnabus ] He’s gone through the gate. The Thoad has him.

- We’ve gotta do something. Call the police. - Yeah, call the police.

Police ? The Thoad is back on his home planet now.

It would take an army to catch him.

He’s completely safe as long as he never leaves his home world.

- So we can’t do anything ? - This is just the start.

I don’t think he meant to take a little boy. He’ll come back and take more and more...

until he finds the perfect specimen for his collection.

The perfect specimen ?

I’ve got an idea.

What are you thinking of ?

A plan.

[ Grunting ]

[ Oinking ]

- No, Schriebner. It’s me, Nick. - What ?

- What do you want, dweeb ? - Mike sent me.

He knows you sabotaged the program for the dance. He wants to call you out now.

- You’ve gotta be kidding me. - No, man, he’s waiting. Katelyn’s with him.

This ought to be a real joke.

So, send in the nerds.

I should prepare you, Scott Schriebner, for the task that lies ahead.

You’re about to see things that will be difficult for your earthling mind to comprehend.

What ? Whoa.

Wait a minute. This is you, Pillsbury, isn’t it, trying to play some trick on me ?

- Is somebody taping this ? - [ Katelyn ] We’re not joking.

Scott, I see you’ve met Barnabus.

- He’s here to help us. - How do you do ?

- He looks like a dog, but he’s not a dog. - Right.

- We need your help. - I thought you were calling me out.

Nick didn’t think you were dumb enough to fall for it, but I did.

- Hey, watch it, Pillsbury. - Hey, hey. Can you two get past it ? Grow up.

All right, all right. Well, what do you want ?

You will help us get through the stargate leading to the Thoad planet.

Where they have my little brother, Jay. He was abducted by the Thoad.

- Thoad ? - It’s an alien, kind of like an intergalactic poacher.

We need you to--

We need you to be the bait.

What ? Even if I did believe you, why would I do that ?

Because-- Because you were born to be a hero.

Because we’re on the same football team.

- [ Scoffs ] - And-- And because...

we’re on the same side, same school, same town, same planet.

And-- And because--

because--

Because I dare you.

- You’re not scared, are you ? - No way.

Then let’s go.

Okay, okay.

Suppose I play along with this. What do I have to do exactly ?

Just... be yourself.

- Well, what does that mean ? - It means just be... perfect.

No sweat.

Abducted by aliens ? Sure, you wish.

Uh-oh.

There’s a plan, Scott. Trust me. Come on.

[ Growling ]

This doesn’t look so friendly.

The Thoad senses your presence, Scott. It senses your perfection.

You know, I’m not really all that perfect.

I mean, compared to Pillsbury maybe, but I’ve got a lot of faults.

Really.

[ Growling ]

Now, before it’s too late !

Barnabus, what is this place ?

The Thoad calls it a zoo, but I believe you would call it a prison.

Is it watching us ?

- I expect so. We’d better keep going. - Okay.

Hey, Pillsbury. Big joke.

I’m still here. Nothing’s happened. I was right.

Try not to worry. Mike will get us out of here.

Out of where ?

Hey, why is it still light out ?

Where am I ?

[ Shudders ]

That appears to be some kind of master control for the cages.

- Cages ? - Where’s Scott ?

He is the specimen the Thoad needs.

By now, I’m sure he’s forever ensconced.

Ensconced ? What does that mean in English ?

You guys, look.

[ Electronic Voice ] The Xgonearks are natives of the solar system Betelgeuse.

Their organic chemistry is silicon based.

Oh, my gosh. It’s the--

[ Electronic Voice ] The Hanzels are natives of the star system Pegasi.

They are a gentle people with a long history of peaceful cooperation.

They’re just like in your story, Mike. How did you know ?

I don’t know.

Scott, Jay.

- I bet they’re in a cage just like this. - I’m afraid so.

We’ll get you out. I promise. Okay ?

Come on, we’ve gotta go.

I can’t believe this-- transported to another planet.

My worst nightmare-- stuck in Pillsbury’s backyard forever.

I don’t know how to get out.

Try not to worry so much. Mike will find a way to get us out.

We’re depending on Pillsbury ?

How did I get myself into this ?

Have you ever heard Mike’s story of a planet where the people are called Hanzels ?

Let’s try this way.

Guys !

- Scott ! - Jay, Scott, Jay !

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

God, this is really creepy.

They can’t hear us.

At least Jay isn’t alone so he won’t be so afraid.

- We must act quickly ! - We gotta break through this glass.

Maybe we don’t need to break it.

- Maybe there’s a way to open it instead. - The Thoad must have a key.

Very astute.

My specimens need my care and protection.

Security is all important.

- You’re the Thoad ? - I am indeed.

You were expecting someone much more, uh, intimidating ?

I assure you, our reputation is wholly undeserved.

I only came to help the Pillsbury, as he requested.

No. No, you took Jay. He’s only a little kid.

I did indeed, and I seem to be in possession of still another young human.

Oh, but don’t worry. They will be quite pampered.

And their life spans will be infinitely longer here...

than they would be on dangerous old Earth.

After all, this is a, uh, sanctuary, not a prison.

- They deserve to be back home with their own kind. - [ Chuckling ]

You of all people should talk, Pillsbury.

At any rate, I’ll soon have enough specimens to make sure that they will never be lonely.

- You have no right. - I have all the rights I need.

You gave them to me, Pillsbury.

But enough talk.

I want to thank you for becoming part of my collection.

You will be my very first Puppian.

And you, Miss--

- Mike, what’s the plan ? - The plan was to get us in here. Now the plan is to improvise.

[ Roaring, Growling ]

So the little baby Hanzel got adopted by Earth parents.

He was smart, really smart.

But he never really felt like he belonged.

He never felt that he had any friends.

It kind of sounds like Mike made it up about himself, doesn’t it ?

Yeah, kind of.

- Here, in here ! - Hurry up, guys ! Go !

Go, go, go !

[ Roaring ]

[ Continues Roaring ]

I know you’re in here.

Come out ! Come out, Pillsbury !

- Maybe we could discuss this. - [ Growling ]

Where are the others ?

Actually, right behind you.

- It won’t hold him long ! - The key !

[ Barnabus ] Yes, yes, get the key !

Guys, I got the key ! Come on !

Okay, okay.

[ Nick ] Mike, what about Scott and Jay ?

- I’ve gotta do this first. - [ Thoad Roars ]

There’s gotta be a place for this key.

Maybe the cages open from the back.

I know how this works.

[ Key Humming ]

Go on, you’re free.

- Come on. - [ Thoad Roaring, Growling ]

- Here it is ! Please work. - [ Key Humming ]

Scott, Jay !

- You guys okay ? - Did you figure it out ?

Wait. Barnabus, how do we get back ?

We must go back through the Thoad gate.

[ Thoad Grunts ]

[ Growling ]

I think it’s this way.

Mike ! Mike, why are you stopping ? Come on !

There’s one more thing I have to do.

[ Key Humming ]

[ Doors Opening, Creatures Shouting ]

- Where’s Mike ? - And Barnabus ?

[ Cries, Howls, Growls ]

[ Katelyn ] Wasn’t he right behind us ? What if something happened ?

[ Screaming ]

Mike, hey ! Are you okay ?

We did it !

[ All Chattering ]

Wait, wait ! Why isn’t the stargate disappearing ?

Oh, no ! You can’t close a stargate if--

If there’s someone or something still traveling in it, right ?

Too late, I’m afraid. Hell hath no fury like a Thoad scorned.

I’d better contact the police.

[ Phone Dialing ]

- [ Busy Signal ] - Come on, come on !

What’s wrong ?

The line is busy. It’s a dangerous universe.

I’ll keep trying. Mike, you stall him.

- [ Thoad Growling ] - Stall him ?

[ Roaring ]

Uh-oh.

You freed my entire collection, and now you’re going to pay !

We have to hold out until the intergalactic police arrive.

Excuse me, Mr. Thoad, sir.

Hey, hey, hey ! You know what ? You’re a big creep.

Walking around, scaring little kids.

I have news for you, sir. On this planet, we eat frog legs.

[ Barnabus ] Hang on, hang on ! Don’t let him go !

[ All Shouting ]

Hold on, Mike !

Barnabus, help us !

[ Siren Wailing ]

All right, Thoad. Hold it right there. Tongue where I can see it.

Just in time, Officer.

I got hundreds of warrants against you, buddy. Come on. Move !

- Is he okay ? - I think so.

Barnabus, I didn’t know you could bark.

- I didn’t know either. - [ Chuckles ]

But sometimes you have to act a little primitive if it will help a friend.

- Thanks, Barnabus. - Don’t mention it.

Don’t move and put your appendages behind your back !

Don’t say a word. Admit nothing.

Did he read you your rights ? Was he too rough ? Not rough enough ?

Tell me things. Tell me.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

All right, boys and girls, time for an explanation. And it better be good.

It will, Officer. Of that I can assure you.

Hey, Mike. We really do make a great team.

Uh, Mike ?

One of you care to tell me what happened here ?

[ All Clamoring ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

Barnabus.

Hello, Mike. I just stopped by to let you know the federation handed down its ruling.

Your initial transmission is being deemed accidental,

and Earth is classified again as a protected planet under federation statutes.

That’s a relief. I guess the world is saved.

And the Thoad has been sentenced to serve two aeons in a federation penitentiary.

His hostages have been returned to their home planets.

- And the Hanzel ? - He’s safe and grateful for all you did.

All’s well that ends well, as the saying goes.

I don’t know what to say.

Thank you for everything, Barnabus.

Well, there is one bit of unfinished business-- you.

- It’s not too late for you to come home with me. - To your planet ?

I know you would be happy, and so would I.

I don’t think so, Barnabus. Earth is my home.

And even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I guess it’s where I belong.

Many here who feel out of place point their heads down. But not you, Mike Pillsbury.

You look to the stars. Remarkable.

If you wish, you may, uh, scratch me behind the ears.

[ Chuckling ]

Hmm. Oh, that’s--

That was delightful. You know, Mike Pillsbury,

you’ve shown me there’s something to be said...

for the right kind of personal contact.

I will attempt to convince my people.

Farewell.

Good-bye, Barnabus.

I’ll never forget you.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

- [ Crowd Shouting, Cheering ] - Barnabus.

Barnabus !

Thanks.

Pillsbury, let’s get out there and play some football.

-Give it everything you’ve got ! That’s my boy ! -Go, Mike, go !

I guess I am.

[ Cheering, Indistinct ]

Pillsbury, why do you stay on the team ?

[ Groans ]

Well, believe it or not, Schriebner, it’s where I belong.

And you know what ? I’m gonna prove it to you.

Dream on, Pillsbury. Dream on.

I will dream on, Schriebner. You bet I will.

[ Cheerleaders ] Pillsbury, Pillsbury. He’s our man.

If he can’t do it, no one can ! Go, Mike ! Go, Mike !

[ No Audible Dialogue ]