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PRESENTER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Brian Scolaro!

[ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks for clapping
like you knew who I was.

All right, hi.

Oh, fuck.

I'm out of breath.

Just walked 10 feet,
give me a second.

Couple of stairs right there.

Almost threw up. You see that?

Would've fucking
fucked up the whole show.

If I puked in the
first five seconds.

Am I in the right place?

I feel like I did
something wrong already.

Yeah, I'm a little fat,
I don't know why you guys brought it up.

It's kind of rude.

I'm on a diet.

It's called
"put on a black shirt."

It's not working

so I put two on.

Just makes it hotter.

This shirt doesn't even
fucking close.

It is hard to dress yourself
when you're fat.

I went through fucking
eight shirts before I left the hotel room.

Looking in the mirror, like,
"That shirt's too tight.

"This one has mashed potatoes
on it."

You gotta have a shirt
that's long enough

so this doesn't fucking happen.
Sorry.

Those were good seats,
but now...

Now they're not.

The front view is bad.
The side view you got is not funny at all.

It's like, why the fuck?

Just... [MUTTERS]

Sticks out like a...

like an awning for my penis.

[LAUGHS]

Protects it from rain.

It's good for doggy style.

I just put it on her back,
like, plop,

and gets hot and wet here,

and sticks to her
like a suction cup.

And she can't throw me.

It's gonna be a weird show.

You guys are gonna have
to adjust.

- Anyway...
- [CROWD CLAPPING]

I don't mind making fun
of myself for being fat

because everybody else does
if I don't.

Everybody makes fun
of fat people now.

I swear to God,
every group has rights now but fat people.

There's no fat rights.

We need a fucking leader.
We need a fat leader.

We need
a Martin Luther Burger King Jr to defend us.

Or an LGBLT community.

It sucks.

There's good things
about being fat.

You save money on heat,

doesn't hurt as much
when you fall down the stairs,

you got a place to put your cake
when you watch TV,

you don't gotta make your bed

'cause nobody is gonna see it.

So...

That's a joke. Fat people fuck.

We fuck. Look in the audience.

We're everywhere,
somebody's fucking us.

You know,
clearly we're breeding.

Some girls fuck fat guys.

I don't know why I looked at you
when I said that, all hopeful, but...

Some girls fuck fat guys.

Not all girls fuck fat guys,
and not most,

but some.

And ladies, I don't know
if you know this,

if you fuck a fat guy,

you go to heaven.

That's... that's in

the Bible.

They always try to set me up
with a fat girl.

We can't fuck each other.

The pieces can't touch,
you know.

And the noise, holy shit,
it's like...

It's like rubbing
two balloons together.

Is this too much for you guys?

Fat people fuck.

I always wonder,
what does a girl see when she blows me?

Just like a beach ball
with eyes.

Just like,
"Yeah, you like that."

It's gotta be horrible.

I never know what to do
during a blow job,

I feel guilty getting
all that pleasure.

I feel like I should comb
her hair or something, you know.

Date a fat guy, we're great.

We don't cheat,
'cause who's gonna fuck us?

We don't run away,
because we can't fucking run.

You know where we are
'cause you hear us breathing, you know?

The last girl I was with

never fucked a fat guy.

I was the first fat guy
that she ever fucked.

She didn't say that,
'cause that would be rude, but it was just obvious.

We're fucking,
and she was, like,

[HIGH-PITCHED] "Why are we
taking so many breaks?"

There's gonna be a few breaks,
okay?

Can you put the ceiling fan on,
please?

When I fuck,
I want the ceiling fan on,

a glass of water by the bed.

Maybe a banana for some cramps,
right?

I always wanted a boxing crew
to come in,

with a bucket and a sponge,
and be like,

"Take it easy out there,
all right?

"Just get on the bottom,
stay down, stay down!

"She's killing you out there."

That's a good joke, God damn it.

Oh, here it is,
I thought I'd lost it.

Thanks for coming out, guys,
how are you?

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

So, I know one person in Jersey.

Her name is Kelly,
I haven't seen her in ten years.

And I saw her
walking down the street.

In Garwood, I was pretty amazed.

So I hid behind a bush.

Do you ever jump out
and scare your friends?

I do that a lot.

So I see Kelly come up,
and I go...

[LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY]

[SCREAMS]

It wasn't Kelly.

Just...

scared the shit
out of some girl.

So I had to think of something
really fast.

So I just stole her purse
and took off running.

She won't be bothering anybody
anymore.

I do a lot of traveling.

I was in Montana.

I didn't realize
how racist it was.

On the radio, it was, like,
"Be careful of the Black guys."

"Dangerous Black guys.
Black guys are everywhere."

Then I realized they were saying
"black ice."

How come when you see a dentist

there's always a mouth
on the door?

When you see a foot doctor,
there's a foot on the door.

For an eye doctor,
there's an eye.

When you go see a gynecologist,
you know what I'm saying?

There's no big pussy
on the door.

You don't gotta lift the flap
and ring the doorbell.

And the husband can't find it.

The wife's like,
"It's right here, it's fucking easy."

Hold my purse, you just watch.

Okay.

We'll talk about something else.

How are you?

"How are you?"
is an empty fucking phrase.

Nobody wants to hear
your answer.

"How you doing?"
They just wanna hear "I'm good."

"I'm good."
It's all they wanna hear.

Because it makes them
uncomfortable to know how you're doing.

So I like telling people
how I'm doing.

"How you doing, Brian?"
"I feel like I need to take a shit,

"but nothing's coming out.

I sit there,
and no shit comes out."

"I can't find one of my balls.

"I sat down too fast,

"one of the balls got stuck
in a cavity.

"I need a spoon to pop it out."

"Whenever the cat
sits on my lap, I get hard, is that weird?"

That's not even a joke,
officially.

Oh, fuck it.

I'm sweating already,
and I haven't done anything.

I fucking hate being fat.

I'm tired of being fat.

I'm tired of farting
and pretending it's a motorcycle outside.

[CHUCKLES]

I eat out a lot,
that's my problem.

I eat out way too much.
[CLEARS THROAT]

I always wanted
to open a restaurant.

I don't have any money.

But I know
I'd open a Mexican place,

and decorate it really Mexican.

Like, Mexican landscapes
on the wall.

Sombreros everywhere.

Pinatas coming down
from the ceiling.

And then just serve

Chinese food, you know?

Just call it,
"Where the fuck are we?"

Have an Italian waiter
to confuse people.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Eh, I'm gonna make Chinese food, you're gonna fucking love it.

Where the fuck are we?

[EXHALES]

I like McDonald's,
that's a big problem.

This is all McDonald's.

I tried to...

On the way here,
I stopped by a McDonald's to use the bathroom.

They made me buy something.

I've been going to McDonald's
my whole fucking life.

I'm one billion
of the 99 billion served.

"You gotta buy something."

I was here yesterday.

This is your food
that's coming out.

All right?

It wants to go home.

There's gonna be a super size
number 2 in this bathroom.

Fuck it.

All right, we'll talk about
something else.

This is gonna be great.

I drove here.

Can we all agree that the guy

who invented the beeping
"put on your seatbelt" noise,

can we all agree that we hope
he died in a horrible car crash?

[CROWD CLAPPING]

What a fucking asshole.

My car makes too many noises.

My car makes noise
when I go out of my lane.

Makes noise
when there's a camera.

Makes noise when I go too close
to another car.

Car alarms.
Why the fuck do we have car alarms?

Nobody shows up.

Nobody has ever showed up.

A car alarm is too annoying.

Somebody hopes
your car gets stolen.

It needs to be something
soft and sweet for people to care.

Like a voice.

Like, "Hey!

"Hey, guys!

"It's the red Honda.

"Listen, um...

"Somebody's fucking stealing me.

"I think. It could be windy,
I don't know."

Or a woman's voice
would be great.

Just a woman's voice going,

"Oh! My shirt fell off!

"Oh! My shirt fell off!

"My shirt fell off!

"Oh! My shirt fell off!

"Boobies.

"Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!"

That's the best joke I got.
If you don't like it, I'm fucked.

You better fucking catch up.

I've a lot of good ideas.

I know how to stop
getting beat up.

If you're ever getting beat up,

just start jerking off,
they'll stop.

"What the fuck?
He likes it! He likes it!"

[SCREAMS]

"Run!"

It's a... It's a great defense.

Nobody's gonna touch you
if you're jerking off.

You could rob a bank.

"Everybody, get on the floor!
Get on the floor!

"Put the money in the sack.

"Not that sack."

This is right at you,
I'm so sorry.

This... The level.

This is the worst boy band
I've ever seen.

You five guys.

This is all different races.

He's the tough guy.

I feel like you should be
in a van solving mysteries.

Anyway.

Fuck.

You guys need marijuana
in your life.

You need bliss.

I love weed.
Not everybody likes weed.

You know, weed is...

I've lost a lot of girlfriends
over weed.

Not that they didn't like it,
I just fucking lost them.

"Was it 93rd Street
or 93rd Place? Fuck! She was nice!"

Alcohol's where the problems
come from.

If your husband came from
and fucking hit you,

he was drinking.

He didn't come home all stoned
and threw fucking cookies at your head.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Who would you rather
have driving?

The drunk guy or the stoned guy?

Stoned guy's got
the seat belt on.

He's going 5 mph, he's, like,

"Holy shit, holy shit!

"Whoa! That's a truck,
pull over.

"We're walking,
everybody get out.

"We almost died."

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

You ever smoke weed
and hang out with your grandmother?

It's fun

'cause my grandmother's
got Alzheimer's and I'm stoned,

so we just tell the same story
back and forth for five hours.

She makes all these cookies,
and I eat them.

Then she forgets,
makes all these cookies, I eat them.

Then she forgets.
That joke goes on for six hours.

The worst thing I ever did
on marijuana was church.

I went to church stoned,
panicked the whole time.

Thought I was gonna burst
into flames.

I got the munchies,

so I went to communion
six times.

Took a thing of salsa with me.

"You got any more Jesus?"

You can do anything in church.

Nobody's gonna kick you out,
there's no bouncers.

You start a wave.

Throw a bowling ball
up the aisle.

You could dress up like Satan,
just sit in the back row.

[YELLS] Boo!

Get a Jesus costume, walk in,

"What the fuck?
Who are you people?

"Get out of my house!

"Give me that wine back!"

You guys are fucking crazy.

Listen. All right, fine.

Let's talk about something else.

I hate certain phrases.

You know a phrase I hate?
Crazy day.

"I had a crazy day today."
"What happened?"

"I had a flat tire."

That's a bad day.

A crazy day is
you met Morgan Freeman

and he took a shit on your foot.

You went to the bathroom
and a burrito came out.

You got raped
by Kermit the frog.

That's... that's a crazy day.

Whatever makes you happy
can't be bad.

I hate that phrase.

Whatever makes you happy can't--
Sure it can!

"I like to kill old ladies
and make soup out of their feet."

"Don't do that."
"It makes me happy."

"All right. Go ahead."

Another phrase I hate,

"I fucked the shit out of her."

Man,

if you fucked the shit
out of somebody,

you wouldn't tell me.

You wouldn't tell anybody.
You stop, clean up

and never speak of it again.

And you wouldn't say it
all brave,

"I fucked the shit
out of her." You'd be like,

[SOFTLY] "I fucked the shit
out of her."

That's a good joke.

Fuck you people.

Ah, fine.

Let's keep going, fuck it.
More jokes, God damn it.

[ALL CHEERING]

It's fucking hot in here.

Is this place on fire?
Why is it so smoky?

So, my deal is
I'm from New York

and I lived in Jersey,
and New York.

I moved to LA for 21 years.
Worked in TV a bunch.

Moved home to take care
of my mother in August.

I've been home for a while now.

The last time I was in New York

it was Christmas,
and I'll never forget this.

I was driving to get my mother
a Christmas gift.

And this woman cut me off,
and I got all New York on her.

I was like, "Fuck you, bitch!"

I was honking,
I gave her the finger.

It was my mother.

True story.
I gave my mother the finger

on the way to buy her a fucking
Christmas gift.

But if you think about it,
she raised me to be this way,

so she fucking deserved it,
you know.

Thanksgiving
is my favorite holiday.

Surprise!

Fatty likes Thanksgiving.

I like New Year's Eve
'cause there's no religion,

there's no family,
there's no gifts.

You just
fucking drink, that's it.

At midnight, you scream,
you scream at midnight.

Everybody screams at midnight.

That's the best time
to kill somebody.

I mean, don't,
but if you're gonna...

kill them on New Year's Eve,
nobody would know. Just stab 'em and...

[SCREAMING]
Yeah! Happy New Year!

[SCREAMING] Hooray!

5, 4, 3...

Ooh, almost passed out.

I threw my back out.

I liked Halloween,
but it changed.

Halloween was a kids holiday

and now it's for sluts.

They stole the holiday
from kids.

Every costume is slutty.

Slutty cop, slutty nurse,

slutty cat.

A lot of women dress
like slutty cats.

I don't fucking understand that.

I don't wanna fuck a cat.

Like, I've never seen
a cat and gone, "Oh, I wanna fuck that cat.

"I'm gonna trap that cat
and fuck it."

That feels illegal, you know.

The costumes are meant
to be role play. How do you role play the cat?

You take a shit in a box
under the sink?

Start wiping your ass
on the carpet.

[MEOWS]

Suck my dick, kitty!

You guys
really take shit seriously.

I don't fuck cats.

Sorry, are you guys
pro-catfucking?

Sexy nurse
is my favorite costume,

'cause nurses come
with a memory.

They're in charge,
you gotta listen to them.

But they're there to help you.

They see you naked,
they touch things.

So, I was dating a girl,
for Halloween she was a sexy nurse.

I said, "Hey,
let's do a nurse role play."

She was like, "All right,"

but she didn't know
how to do it, she was like,

"You have cancer."

What the fuck?

I have six months?

Doesn't "honey mustard" sound
like a fat stripper?

Please welcome to the stage
Honey Mustard.

[GRUMBLES]

She's looking for wings
in the crowd.

You guys are nice.

So I've been watching Netflix
in my hotel the whole time.

Saw a documentary on aliens.

And there was a scientist
in the documentary,

swearing to God
that aliens exist.

He had all this proof,
he had charts, photographs, videos.

But he had a toupee.

So how am I supposed
to believe you about aliens

when you're already lying to me
about having fucking hair.

You're lying before you speak.

That's like having
a fat magician.

You wouldn't believe
a fat magician.

If you know magic,
why are you still fucking fat?

Why don't you make
60 pounds disappear?

And what would
a fat magician do?

"Here's a pizza, and now
it's gone! Ta-da!"

Saw a documentary on cavemen.
That was interesting.

Cavemen were great, they figured
out everything. We don't give 'em enough credit.

They figured out what to eat.

We know what to eat.

Our mother told us what to eat.

Cavemen had to figure that out.

Process of elimination.

Like, one caveman ate
a bunch of fucking rocks

and he just fucking died.

They were, like, "All right.
Nobody eat any more rocks."

They had a little checklist.
They wrote, "Rocks, no."

"Jeff, you ate the tree?
How was that?

"You're dying?
All right. Trees, no.

"Jim, you had the fire,
how was that? Holy shit.

"Fire, definitely no.

"Chris, you had the chicken,
it was good, all right.

"Brett, you had the turkey,
it was good, all right.

"George, you had the tiger.

"George?"

That's a clean joke.

It's weird, there's five guys,

five girls.

Do you know each other?

- WOMAN: No.
- MAN: No.

Well, let's fucking
switch it up, man.

Five guys, five girls.

What's up?

I love girls.
They don't like me.

I'm at that age now
where I'm creepy.

I wasn't creepy
before the pandemic.

I came out of the pandemic
a creep.

I really did, you know.

I found I'm way too creepy now.

I love hot girls,
they don't like me.

When I see a hot girl
in the supermarket, I always talk to her.

I know she's not gonna fuck me.

But why not make her
uncomfortable just for fun?

You know.

I see her buying toilet paper,

I always go,
"You're gonna take a shit, huh?

"You gotta take a big poo-poo?"

They love that.

Girls, I think...

Girls think they have it harder,
but I don't know.

I think men
might have it harder.

How many homeless women
have you seen in your life? Five?

How many homeless men
have you seen?

93,674?

Women have it harder

in the sense that they get raped
and that's bad.

But I wouldn't... men, we won't.
I'll never get raped.

I could go
to 7-Eleven in a thong,

and I wouldn't get raped.

I'd get arrested
and raped in prison, but at 7-Eleven I'd be fucking fine.

That was a tough joke,
I knew you guys wouldn't like it, but anyway.

We're gonna
cut that right out.

'Cause you guys,
I go with the word "rape" you freeze on it.

What a bunch of fuckers.

All right, fine,
this is what we'll do.

Clean it up a little bit.

Talk about something normal.

You're my size.

See? Creepy. It's creepy.

It's a compliment,
but it's creepy.

Anyway, so...

I have an apartment,
never had a house.

You have a house.

I can tell. House.

House, all paid for.

You think you're better than me?

And that whole back row,
that's a house.

You guys own houses,
jet skis, boats, garages.

Never had a house,
I lived in apartments my whole life.

49 years old,
never gonna have a house.

My whole life I got people
above me, beneath me,

on all four sides of me.

I have new people upstairs.

They moved in two weeks ago.
I already know their whole schedule.

6:00 a.m., they all get together
in the living room

and they drop
a fucking bowling ball.

6:15, they Riverdance
in the kitchen for a while.

7:00 a.m. they push the couch
up the hallway.

[GRUNTS]

"Let's see how the couch looks
in the bathroom."

[GRUNTS]

"It doesn't fit in there again!

"The same thing happened
yesterday.

"Let's try again
tomorrow morning."

There's a couple live next to me

and they argue
in their bathroom,

which is next to my head.

At 6:00 a.m., they argue
next to my head...here.

They argue here.

But I never hear the words.
[MUTTERS]

[MUTTERS]

[MUTTERS]

[MUTTERS]

[HIGH-PITCHED MUTTERING]

[MUTTERS]

So I met them in the elevator,
I was like, "How you guys doing?"

They said... [MUTTERS]

Turns out
they have mental problems.

Couples argue.
I've dated a lot of crazy women.

I'm not saying women are crazy.

I'm saying women who want this
are fucking crazy.

I dated a girl
with BP. Bipolar.

I dated a girl with BPD.
Borderline personality disorder.

I dated a girl with BBB,
which is... [MUTTERS]

Just fucking crazy.

She would wake me up to argue.

Did you ever get woken up
to join an argument already in progress,

and you lose it?

You have no idea
what the topic is, like,

"Get up, I'm pissed off
about something!

"I had a dream you were doing
something fucked up.

"I had a dream
you were fucking another woman."

"Really? I was having
the same fucking dream.

"Wow! What are the chances?"

She's dead now.

I love dreams.

I had a dream the other night
that I was trying to fuck a girl

and she said, "No."

It was my own fucking dream.

I couldn't get laid
in my own fucking dream.

You know when girls are like,
"Yeah, in your dreams."

No, not even then.

Even in my dream
I can't fuck you.

My brain's like, "You can fly,
but let's keep this believable."

I would rather have a bad dream
than a good dream.

You think you wanna have
a good dream, but you don't.

'Cause you wake up
from a good dream,

you're like,
"Oh, I'm still fat."

You wake up
from a bad dream, you're like,

"Oh, thank God
I'm not being raped

"by that fucking
giraffe anymore.

"He was crazy."

I knew you guys wouldn't
like it 'cause it had the word "rape" in it.

Even if it's a giraffe
or Kermit the frog

you freeze on it,
like it's believable.

[CHUCKLES]

Fuck.

[MUTTERS] God damn it.

If anybody wants to pull
the fire alarm, I'm cool with it.

It's really fucking hot in here.

I just lost 30 pounds.

No, there it is, found it.

I'm training to be a fighter
right now.

That's true, not UFC.

KFC. Gonna be a KFC fighter.

My move is called
The Snack Wrap.

Anyway, I hate being woken up,
that's what I was talking about.

I hate it, man.

The whole world starts at, like,
7:00 a.m. and it's fucking...

It's too early for some people.

Like, these guys,
they woke me up, they were trimming

trees outside my window
at 7:00 a.m.

Trimming trees exactly at 7:00.

Like the clock went
[CLICKS TONGUE] and they fucking started.

Which means
they're on the trees already

at 6:58, just going,

"We're gonna be dicks
in two minutes."

So, what I wanted to do

was wait for them
to finish trimming,

and just follow one of the guys
to his house.

And stand in his backyard,

wait for him to go to bed

and go... [IMITATES WHIRRING]

[CONTINUES IMITATING WHIRRING]

And then just be quiet
for five minutes, and go...

[IMITATES WHIRRING]

Is that the best time
to do that, 7:00 a.m.?

The trees are gonna be there
at noon.

Not the trees
from Lord of the Rings, they don't fucking walk away.

I fucking hate...
I hate loud noises.

Motorcycle drivers.

Fuck you.

I know you think
everybody you drive by is going,

"What a cool guy."
We're not.

We're like,
"What a fucking asshole!"

[IMITATES MOTOR REVVING]

[IMITATES MOTORCYCLE ENGINE]

Fucking annoying.

They always go by
right when you're leaving a voicemail message.

Like, " Hey, this is Brian--"
[IMITATES MOTORCYCLE ENGINE]

"I think Brian got cut in half
with a chainsaw and the phone died."

You want attention.

That's the opposite
of being cool

when you want attention.
It's like, "Look at me.

"Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me.

"I'm driving by your house."

And you're always missing
what's on the TV.

"And the murderer is--"
[IMITATES MOTORCYCLE ENGINE]

[YELLS] Fuck you!

Did you ever have a motorcycle
just sitting outside

your window for a half hour,

you're trying to watch TV.

[IMITATES IDLING ENGINE]

That joke would be a lot longer
if I wasn't a smoker.

Holy shit

I almost died for you guys.

[COUGHS]

Guys get motorcycles
for one reason:

to get girls, that's it.

It's the only reason
we do anything. It's the only reason

I have shoes on.

So we think
a woman sees the motorcycle

and goes, "Oh, he's a bad boy.

"He's a rebel,
he plays by his own rules.

"He lives dangerously."

Can't leave the house
when it's raining, but he's pretty fucking cool.

And ladies, if that's true,
you were tricked.

You don't like the guy,
you like the motorcycle.

It vibrates here.

So you wanna sit on it, just...
[IMITATES MOTORCYCLE ENGINE]

and you hold on to the guy

so it starts to get associated
together.

It's fucking science.

If every time I rode the bus,
somebody sucked on my balls,

I would love buses.

That was a long way to go
for that laugh.

God damn it, you fuckers.

I went through
a half-hour of material in ten minutes.

'Cause you guys are like,
"He, he.

"He, he, he.

"He."

I heard that.

I don't get any sleep.

My body wakes me up
all the time.

Like, it'll be like
3:00 in the morning,

My penis is like, "Hey.

"Pee-pee time."

I'm like, "No,
I don't wanna pee-pee, I wanna sleep."

"Pee-pee time."

"I have to sleep, can I just..."

"Pee-pee time."

You know if you get up and pee,
your whole body is gonna be...

your ass is gonna be like,
"Can we take a shit?"

"We're closed,
everybody go back to bed." "Let's jerk off."

"We're closed!"

I live in a bad neighborhood,
and I got woken up

by what sounded like,

sounded like,

meaning it wasn't

so don't get fucking upset,

I got woken up at 3:00 a.m.
by what sounded like

a little girl getting killed.

[YELLS] Sounded like!

Oh.

It's the most sensitive
fucking crowd.

Listen, as individuals,
I'm sure you're great people, but as a group

you should
never get together again.

'Cause you're horrible.

So I'm sleeping,
3:00 in the morning

and I hear what sounds
like a little girl getting killed in the street.

[IMITATES GIRL CRYING]

I'm, like, somebody's killing
a little girl.

So I get up to look
out the window

and I can't find anybody,
so I get back in bed, and hear...

[IMITATES GIRL CRYING]

It was me wheezing.

That's a true story.

That went on for 45 minutes.

[IMITATES GIRL CRYING]
"What the fuck?"

[MUMBLING]

Did you ever have a noise
come out of your body

that you never heard before?

Usually it's somewhere quiet,
like a bank.

You're standing on a line.

You know what your stomach
sounds like, you know what your ass sounds like.

But sometimes this area...

There's a... [SQUEAKING]
"What the fuck?

"Did you hear that?

"Maybe that chicken sandwich
wasn't dead."

I heard something
come out of me over here, like a...

[MIMICS STOMACH RUMBLE]
"Oh, gosh.

"I'm gonna shit an owl."

And you feel it moving.
[MIMICS STOMACH RUMBLING]

"It's trying to get out."

I always wanted to fill
my asshole with confetti.

So when I fart it goes like...
[IMITATES FART]

"What the fuck?

"Who was that magical man?"

[SEDUCTIVELY] Ladies...

Ooh, ooh.

Everybody farts.

Everybody in this room farts.

Somebody's farting
in here, right now.

Besides me, somebody else.

I do bet you somewhere
in this room, right now

there's a woman in here
who's had to fart for at least a half hour.

She knows if she lets it out,
she's...

splitting the bill
for the drinks, you know.

I admire that.

A woman's gotta fart,
she holds it inside. It's fucking amazing.

I can't imagine living
that kind of lifestyle.

I've been letting them go
as they come, my whole life.

Fart shows up, fart goes out.

[IMITATES FART NOISE]
Like that.

Can you imagine living that way,
guys?

Guys, imagine all the farts
you ever had

since you were, like, 13.

Imagine holding them in
your whole fucking life.

That's why women are crazy.

They've been holding farts in
30 years,

it eats away at their brains.

They wait till they get home,

they stand out in the yard
at 4:00 in the morning.

[IMITATES FART NOISE]

All the grass around them dies.

Those crop circles
aren't aliens, that's the farmer's wife.

I fart a lot after sex.

I think it's 'cause my muscles
won't do any more work.

So my ass cheeks won't clench.

[IMITATES FART NOISE]

It's too late,
you already fucked me.

It's your fault,
have some standards next time.

They put me in a hotel.

I've been in there for one day.

I farted in the elevator
37 times.

And I'm on the first floor.
Doesn't make any sense.

But they all knew it was me.

The last time,
even the kids were like,

"That fat guy just farted."

Everybody thinks the fat guy
is the guy who farted.

So if you're gonna fart,
just fart near a fat guy and go, "What the fuck?

"Him and his chicken nuggets."

I didn't even know it was there,
bent over to tie my shoe, it was like a gunshot.

[IMITATES FART NOISE]
Holy shit.

"Hi, how you doing?

"Could you press 4, please?"

There's nothing to say.

There's nothing to say
after you fart.

You burp, you go,
"Oh, excuse me."

You fart, no.

"Excuse me" doesn't fucking
cover it, you know.

Yeah, excuse you.

There should be something
by now, like

"May God have mercy on us all."

"Thank you."

"Could you cover your ass,
please?

"I don't want my kids
to get sick."

That's a weird joke.

It's not for everybody.

Listen.

When I grew up,

George Carlin, Richard Pryor,
Robin Williams,

Bill Cosby, between the rapes.

I didn't do it.

They all had fart jokes.

Look it up. On one of their
albums, they all had fart jokes.

You know why?

Not because
it's a low-hanging fruit or easy joke.

Because it unifies people.

And now everybody's fighting.

And it's uncomfortable.

But no matter your race, age,

gender, sexual orientation,

political affiliation, religion
or handicap,

we all fart.

That's my message.

That's why I'm here today.

I have T-shirts made.

"We all fart."

We're the same people
with the same bodies

with the same noises
that we can't control.

Eight, there's eight,
I counted them, I got nothing to do.

Sneezes, farts, burps, coughs,

hiccups, yawns, snores

stomach growls. Eight.

Women have nine.

And I don't think
you're gonna like this joke.

I'm pretty sure
this is gonna be a problem for some people.

I'm thinking
this area over here.

But you know
what I'm talking about.

You're having sex.

And then you hear...

[IMITATES FART NOISE]

"Baby, did you just fart?"

[HIGH-PITCHED] "Nah."

"Did I just fart?

"Baby, I farted,
I didn't feel anything.

"Something's wrong with my ass.

"We gotta go to the hospital."

[HIGH-PITCHED] "No, I queefed."

"Oh.

"Get the fuck out.

"And take
these sheets with you."

I don't think they're gross.

I think queefs are...
the word is gross, it's too close to "queso."

But I think, I think...

"Why's there
pepperjack everywhere?"

But I think they're romantic.

Queefs are romantic.

Because queefs are: we farted
together as a team.

We created a fart together.

You always say
we don't do things together.

Some people hate that joke.

"My grandfather was killed
by a queef."

"I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were here."

It's the sneeze of the vaginas.

And for those of you
who think I've been dirty

for the sake of being dirty,
I haven't.

I'll show you that I think
sneezes are way funnier than farts.

Sneezes scare people.

Farts upset everybody.

But a sneeze frightens you.

You're never ready
for a guy to sneeze.

You can see it on his face.

You're prepared for it mentally,
scares you anyway.

The guy's like...

Oh, that--
[SNEEZES]

"What the fuck?

"What are you, an asshole?

"This guy's fucking selfish."

I was on a bus,
and I was sitting next to an old lady.

She sneezed for a half hour.

That's a long time
to be the other guy, not sneezing.

To have heart attacks
for a half hour.

[SNEEZES]

[SNEEZES]

"Wow, bless you."

[SNEEZES]

"Way to sneeze a lot."

[SNEEZES]

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

[CLAPPING]

Don't know how many of you
ever sneeze ten times in a row,

and think you're gonna shit
your pants.

[SNEEZING AND FARTING]

[SPLASHING]

[SCREAMS] "Help, help, help!"

It always happens to me
when I'm driving,

which is not
when you wanna sneeze.

You don't want
your heart to stop and your eyes to close

six times in a row, like...
[SNEEZES]

"Oh, fuck."

[SNEEZES]

I'm like, four lanes over.
"What the fuck happened?"

You ever sneeze
with rice in your mouth?

[EXPLOSIVE SNEEZE]

It's on the TV,
it's in the rug for years.

It's on my cat's forehead.

"Don't watch me
while I'm eating!"

There's a sneeze that men have
that women don't have.

It only happens to men
when we're peeing in your bathroom.

[SNEEZES] "Oh, fuck!

"The drapes, oh, shit."

You gotta throw water on it.

"It looks like
I peed water now."

Some people are loud,
some people are quiet.

I love people
who hold it inside, they're embarrassed.

"What the fuck was that?

"Are these your eyes?"

There's people like that,
my dad sneezed

like he was getting killed
by an axe.

I'd be a kid watching TV
in my bedroom and--

[SCREAMS]

"What the fuck happened?"
The dog would run away.

TV changes channels.

He lets out family secrets.
Goes like [SNEEZES]

"I'm gay!"

[COUGHS]

Holy shit, I almost died.

Anyway...

I like yelling, "Get a room"
at people when I drive by,

like, "Get a room!"

Just an old man walking a dog.

I love dogs.

People leave their dog
in the back seat of their car

on a hot day,
and they get in trouble, they're fucking stupid.

Put it in the trunk,
nobody will see it.

Of course, of course.

Take that seriously.

I like dogs. I don't like dating
girls with dogs.

Every girl
has a fucking dog now.

All five of you
probably have dogs.

It's fucking annoying.

It is, because right
when you're making out

the dog jumps in the bed,
and you gotta go like,

"Hey, look who's here,

"the cock-blocking
son of a bitch."

They know what they're doing.
I don't mind the dog

watching us fuck,
I'm cool with that.

Makes me feel like the alpha,
I'm like,

"Yeah, you fucking watch
this shit.

"I'm fucking your mom."

One time I was fucking a girl,
and the dog

- put its nose in my ass.
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

And I came, I fucking came.

And now I can't come
without a dog's nose in my ass.

Sometimes
I gotta bring my own dog.

I don't like hanging out
with couples.

I mean,

not like you and a girlfriend,
I mean you and a couple.

If you ever hang out with you
and a couple, it sucks.

You're in the back seat,
they're in the front seat.

They stop at a red light,
they start kissing.

You're like, "Fuck you guys."

"Come on over watch a movie."
"Nah, it's all right."

"Come on, it will be fine."

You look over, halfway through

they're dry humping
on the same couch you're sitting on.

You know why they do that?

They're turned on
by you being there.

They're making you feel
like shit, and that's turning them on.

Isn't that fucked up?
They're your friends!

You know what I do
when people start kissing in front of me?

I just start jerking off, like,
"Yeah, come on!

"Grab her tits!
What are you stopping for?"

I'm great

at phone sex.
I'm sorry I looked at you.

I looked right into your soul.

I'm great at phone sex.

Why?
I have a good phone sex voice.

I've a good phone sex body.

Fuck you for laughing at that,
dick.

I had this voice as a kid.

I was 12 years old
with a deep voice,

it would scare people
but I didn't know that.

I'd call my friends to hang out,

their mother
would answer the phone, think I was a pedophile.

[HIGH-PITCHED] "Hello."
[GRUFFLY] "Is Bobby there?"

[HIGH-PITCHED] "What do you want
with Bobby?" [GRUFFLY] "I wanna play.

"I wanna play with Bobby.

"Tell him to meet me at the park
and bring his balls."

[CHUCKLES]

Phone sex is dead, it's dead.

You know. People fucking...
I don't know...

It's just dead,
cell phones killed it.

Did you ever have
cell phone sex? It's fucking horrible.

It's like, "Hey,
when I see you later I'm gonna--"

[GLITCHING]

"I'm gonna get your--

"Get-- Two fing--

"Penis.

"A... ow--"

"You want my dick
in the potato salad?"

It's like scrambled porn.
Remember?

You remember
scrambled porn, sir.

The only way to see porn
when I was a kid

was the Playboy channel,
and nobody had it.

You had to pay for it,
so it was scrambled, it was just lines doing this.

We were jerking off anyway.

"Is that a foot? Is that a hat?
What the fuck am I jerking off to?"

Then it clears up
and it's the Weather Channel,

and you're like, "Holy shit,

"I've been jerking off
to a low pressure system for the past half hour.

"Might as well finish."

Anyway, this is what I noticed.

When a woman comes,

and you see it,
it is very beautiful.

No matter what she looks like
when she's not coming.

When every woman comes,

she becomes naturally beautiful,
like a rainbow.

Or a waterfall. You watch it,

you're like, "Oh, fuck."

AUDIENCE: Aww.

"Get the camera,
let's take pictures."

But if you only hear them,
it's funny.

The next time you're having sex,
men, close your eyes,

listen to your girl come,

it sounds like
she's running up stairs.

Like she's on the first floor,
like.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

[MOANING] Oh.

Mmm.

Ow.

Ow.

[MOANING FASTER]

Oh, shit.

[CONTINUES MOANING]

Oh, shit.

[CONTINUES MOANING]

Oh, shit.

Oh, God, keep going.

And then I come, it's like
I'm falling down stairs.

[EXCLAIMS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You guys were kind of fun,
thanks very much. Take care.

Bye-bye.

Thank you, hey!

Thank you. Merry Christmas. Bye.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]