Original subtitles

No!

♪ Fruit on my belly ♪

♪ Fruit, fruit on my belly ♪

♪ Fruit on my belly ♪

Oh, my God!

Where's Erica?

She's in the bathroom.

Still?

How long has she been in there?

Well, someone go check on her.

No, leave her alone. She's probably crying again.

Seriously, she needs to get over him.

- They were together for a while. - Like, four months, right?

Okay, I was with a guy for four weeks, and it felt like an eternity.

Well, this is not a pity party for her.

She needs to get her butt out here and stop whining.

Then I'll start the movie.

Yo, yo, yo, it's Donnie.

I can't get to my phone right now,

but if you leave your name, number, message at the beep,

I'll call you back, all right?

This is the last time

you're ever gonna hear from me.

And I'm sure you'd like that anyways.

I just want you to know...

how much I hate you...

for pretending to be in love with me.

You broke the promise I made you make

when you took my virginity.

You said you'd never leave me.

Well, I hope you're happy

about what you've made me decide to do.

Erica?

Erica.

I'm worried, she's not answering.

I don't hear any crying.

Get a hanger.

Here.

Erica!

Yeah, I freakin' love it.

That's so awesome.

We have to see this movie.

Whatever.

Groovy. You're so bad.

What do you think of the new girl?

I like her. I just wanna be like her.

I wish I was her.

Is she really?

Really?

I can't believe it.

No way. No frickin' way.

It should've been me.

Totally.

You would have been so good.

I know, right?

I know him.

Amazeballs.

No way, she's in it?

Yeah, her.

She's so popular.

No way.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe it.

"You know they look good when Katie Nemec does make-up."

She's amazing.

The best.

My hair looks so good because of her.

I wish he was single.

Tim McCombe.

I know.

Oh, he's taken, isn't he?

I love his music.

I love him.

I love his pants.

I love his name... Sean G.

I wanna go.

Let's totally get ready and go right now.

I'm so stoked.

That loner, writer-director,

Jared Lee Masters, asked me to prom.

- What do I do? - Say no.

- Obviously. - Obvi, duh!

It is?

It's teachers' day?

Teachers' day?

Does that even exist?

I don't know.

"Copyright 2013."

Hey, Mr. Anderson.

Devon, Jess, what are you doing in here?

This is the teachers' lounge.

Oh, what, you gonna send us to the dean?

I just want my beanie back.

You'll get your beanie back when I see fit.

So have you been stalking me online lately?

Are you still going on about that?

You're gonna make me sound like a real creep to the rest of the staff

if they find out what you probably tell your friends about me.

Well, it won't be weird

if you just accepted my friend request.

My school life and my personal life,

I don't mix.

Come on, I know you're attracted to me.

Why else would you be searching for photos of me?

Devon, I told you, I wanted to make sure I was spelling your last name correctly

for the yearbook committee write-up.

Did you write about how naughty you think I am

or want me to be?

I thought your profile picture looked very inappropriate,

and I thought I should tell you you should change it.

There's some real sickos out there.

That get off to young, hot girls in their underwear?

I'm a model now and that picture

was the least scandalous of the photo shoot.

You can see the rest if you become my friend.

Well, I don't even see how that's possible,

considering you're 17.

Oh, come on, Mr. Anderson.

You think I'd be naked in them?

You have a dirty mind.

But I like that.

What was that quote that you tested us on?

"Take time to deliberate,

but when the time for action has arrived,

stop thinking and just go with it?"

Don't go and try and impress me now, Devon.

You two barely passed that test.

You will never begin to understand

the importance of Napoleon Bonaparte the great.

Uh, I knew that he was a hero,

and I wish that some hero could sweep me off of my feet.

Second bell's about to ring.

Later, Mr. Anderson.

Hiya, ladies, how you doing?

Are you going to the memorial tonight?

Kristin, Claire, and Brooke are all going,

and Josston's speaking at it.

I do not want to go and sit through her

going on and tearing up about someone she didn't even know.

They rode the same bus.

Whatever.

Besides, I want to go to Jess's tonight.

After what happened?

She needs to be comforted, too.

And tomorrow's a school holiday,

so I might as well get drunk.

Oh, no, it's Mr. Lox.

Girls, you know there is no smoking here.

I know your names!

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Ty.

Hey, uh, Carrie.

Yep?

I'm kinda new, it's like my first year here.

Is there anything special about today?

Getting bonuses or perks?

Well, there's hot coffee.

There's always coffee.

Not always hot.

And Linda brought in some pumpkin spice creamer.

It's really good, you should try it.

It's better than the peppermint kind she brought in last year.

I just thought there, like,

might be a gift card or some cool swag or something.

Well, maybe you'd like to switch it up,

teach some kindergarten.

I'm sure you'd be going home with some

real nice papier-mâché eggs.

No, thanks.

It's hard enough to get these teenagers to process some simple information.

So, tell me about the girls in your class.

What?

You know, the girls.

Come on, it's no secret.

The kid killed herself.

She was friends with the girls in your class, right?

Oh, yes.

So how are they doing?

You know, I was surprised to even see them here today.

Must have some cruel parents

to make them come into this hell.

Yeah, but maybe they didn't know her so well.

She was new, remember?

But nevertheless, that was really messed up what happened.

Lots of things are messed up, Ty,

like me, about to go perform a scoliosis examination

on 29 shirtless girls.

I mean, how do they know I'm not gay or...?

It's obvious you're not.

Thanks, Ty.

Well, I'll see you later.

Hey, can I borrow your laptop to check my email?

Of course, have at it, just...

Turn it off after it's finished updating.

Great, thanks.

Dean Wheatley, it was just a balloon.

I know damn well that balloon that

you were passing around in the cafeteria

was a blown-up tied-off condom!

I could see spermicide glistening right through it!

Hello, Dean.

You wanted to see me?

All right, Deon.

That'll be all.

You've got one warning.

Anderson, is it true that you've been communicating

with one of your students online?

Well, uh...

What do you mean?

Damn it, son, is it true?

I knew it.

Gotta fire you.

And I really liked you.

We even had you up for educator of the year

since you came on board.

I knew you'd be a favorite among the females,

but then I saw that you were stern

and you could shake 'em off,

and I thought this tough defense strategy worked.

But no. You had to go

and sniff some tails with some of them.

Mr. Wheatley,

I would never sniff any tail

around here.

I take this job very seriously.

Just because I got pressured into accepting

that online crap, I don't care about that.

I thought she was, like, a family friend or something.

Yeah, well, page 21 or something

of section "H" of your teacher's directory

describes inappropriate

student-teacher relations indefinitely,

and... and there you'll see that any communication

unrelated to school activities

is grounds for termination.

You cannot be serious.

I spent four years dedicating my life and got my GED.

I borrowed $1,800 from my parents

so I could buy a car to commute to this job,

and I don't even get paid full salary!

Yeah, well, just

hand over your curriculum and your grade book to me,

and I'll make sure that your replacement gets 'em.

I hope you got what you bargained for.

Between you and me,

I don't blame you.

I'd give up everything to be a fly on the wall at one of her sleepovers.

But that's off the record

and I gotta play the dean.

So, uh, start packing, pretty boy.

It's the third period.

Oh.

Don't fight it, son.

Help!

What happened?

The old man had a seizure or something...

I... I tried to help him.

You snapped his neck around.

You broke his neck!

You...

You wouldn't hurt a woman.

You wouldn't hurt a woman!

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Aah!

Jesse, Dee Dee, it's ready.

Here, grab a plate.

I told you I'm not eating these days.

But why? I thought we would have

a nice dinner together, just the three of us.

Thanks, mom. Luke's here.

Oh, hi, Luke.

Hey, what's up, Ms. Perkins?

Uh, I don't mean to crash the mother-daughter dinner party.

Oh, no, please.

Oh, I've seen you've set the table for three.

I'll just go watch the game, it's not a big deal.

I'll have whatever's left over.

Oh, no.

You three have a nice meal together.

I have to get ready for my date anyway.

Well, all right.

Um, do you have any beer to go with that?

- Here you are, darling. - Thank you very much.

Hollandaise sauce and light beer in the fridge.

And, Jess, I have ingredients for s'mores in the cupboard

for your party tonight.

Oh, and here's some apples for apple bobbing!

That doesn't sound fun at all.

That's what we used to do at slumber parties.

Damn it. That must be him.

Oh, hi, Steve.

You're an hour early.

I couldn't wait to get down here.

They told me about you.

You're hot.

Well, just wait one second.

I'm almost ready, okay?

Take your time, baby.

Damn!

So, Dee...

I know Luke's your boyfriend and everything,

but do you guys have to be here tonight?

What do you mean?

I mean, can't you, like, go to the movies

or go to a friend's house?

I'm kinda having a sleepover, and it's girls only.

Well, I was about to bounce,

but now I'm definitely staying.

Didn't you just have a stupid slumber party?

Yeah, and didn't some girl croak at it, too?

Yeah, that is so messed up,

how you're just carrying on, having more all-nighters

after what just happened.

People don't seem to realize that she wasn't really my friend.

She was just some girl I knew from second period.

And she just showed up and was trying to get attention.

Epic fail.

What a catastrophe.

She wasn't hot like all your other friends, was she?

Will you just shut up and eat?

I feel like I'm the only one who had to deal with the police

and everything that night.

You know what? Just be glad you're not me.

At least everyone's not trying to make you feel guilty.

Hi, Ms. Perkins.

Hi, Erin.

That was Erin that knocked on the door.

Okay, well, make sure that

there's not too much drinking tonight, okay?

Okay.

Erin, why are you here so early?

I thought I'd help you get ready.

Hey, Erin, you want some dinner?

No, I'm good. Anybody want a shot?

Hell yes!

Body shots, let's go!

Luke! You're such an ass!

What? She offered.

Gin, really?

- Mm-hmm. - Mmm.

Ugh, Erin.

Come in the room with me.

This is gonna be good.

Ew, that's gross!

What? It's a boilermaker.

It's what real men drink.

So will you come

in the bathroom with me while I shower?

What? Are we in the fifth grade?

You really want to shower together?

Can you just be in the bathroom with me?

I'm honestly freaked out to go in there alone.

Afraid Erica's ghost is gonna suddenly appear at the scene?

Yeah, basically.

Hey, can you hand me a razor?

Touching up your landing strip?

No, I'm shaving my pits, moron.

Hey, open up! I gotta take a piss!

Luke, there's another bathroom.

Dee Dee's in there. She won't let me in.

Well, you're not coming in here.

Come on, I'm about to soak floor out here.

Just let me pee real quick. I'll keep my eyes closed.

Look, I'm gonna go take the shot that you didn't let me have,

and he can keep you company.

Erin!

Oh, oh, you guys ain't in here together?

What a lost cause.

Oh, my God, just pee if you have to, you asshole,

or are you gonna ask me to hold it for you, too?

Oh, no.

I wouldn't want to scar you for life

to witness the sheer girth of it.

Shut up, you're gross!

Ugh, stop it, you loser.

- Get out of here! - What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, suddenly, I ain't gotta go anymore.

So you guys want cake and ice cream during the movie?

No, just popcorn during the movie.

Okay, but the last time,

Steph bitched that she wanted sherbet,

so she made me get up and get her some.

And then she complained about the freezer burn.

And then Laura, I'm pretty sure

she made me get up and get something.

Made me miss the best part of the movie.

Okay, you own the damn movie.

You can watch the sex scenes whenever you want.

I'm not gonna get horny all alone.

That's depressing.

Since when do you get horny?

Yeah, I thought you were anti-sex.

No, she's anti-boy.

And speaking of no boys allowed,

I wouldn't mind if Deon stopped by.

So... I'm confused.

Are you guys calling me prude or a lesbian?

I think they're calling you both.

Well, at least it's not a whore.

Jess, why aren't you responding to my text?

Oh, hey, Steph. My phone was in my room.

I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Did you guys hear what happened?

There were two murders at school today.

Oh, um, yeah, we heard that.

That is old news, girl.

And do they know who may have done it?

- I heard a rumor. - From who?

Well, I heard my mom talking to Kelly Turner's mom

who works part-time in the nurse's office,

and they think it was that hot history teacher.

Mr. Anderson?

No way. I have him first period.

Yes, Mr. Anderson is our prime suspect.

I... I don't see how that's possible, officer.

He was so sweet,

and he really cared about this job.

Yeah, well, we believe he does have a motive.

We identified the papers as some sort of a pop quiz

to one of his classes in the Napoleonic Wars.

I'd look into that shady janitor if I were you.

Well, we'll be back tomorrow to question everybody.

Right now, we just don't have a lot of facts to work with.

Listen, it's getting late.

You should probably be heading home.

I think we're just about finished up here.

Thank you so much, officer.

Take care.

Whew.

The janitor is ready to clean up, officer.

Um, that's gonna have to wait

until the detectives have cleared this.

And what's your name?

Lox.

Lox.

Oh, yeah, Ms. Perkins, give it to me.

Just 'cause I gave in to your sick master-bedroom fantasy,

doesn't mean you can call me that.

What?

You're Ms. Perkins, aren't you?

It sounds like you're talking to my mom.

Yeah, but your mom's hot.

Stop.

Aren't you glad she's kept her youth?

I said stop.

You wanna kill the mood, go ahead.

You better hope she passed on those good genes to you

so I'll be calling you in a few decades.

I'm going to the Minute Mart

to get the kind of beer I like.

Whoa, wait!

At least finish me off first.

Bet you'll still be hard by the time I get back.

Oh, man.

Darn it.

Time for all you bitches to take a shot right now.

Whoo!

All you hoes are falling behind.

Come on!

- Ready? Cheers. - Cheers!

Ow!

Jess, what are you talking about?

You need to take two to catch up with me.

- Here. - No.

- Yes. - No...

I swear, I'll pull your hair.

Dance-off! Dance-off!

- Yeah! - Dance-off!

This is it, man.

The mighty house of Jessica Perkins,

the hottest girl in home ec.

Oh, look!

Look, look, look! There they are!

Come on, come on, let's get closer.

All right. Let's get closer.

♪ Fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, man!

Can you believe it?

Girls all look like just like they said.

Oh, man.

But these girls are way too hot

for any of the guys in our class.

What are you talking about?

Devon hooks up with that Roderick loser, plays jv.

No way, he's just as lame as us.

I know, right.

But dang, man, look at 'em.

I'd do anything you could possibly think of

just to watch 'em make love.

Is this real life?

Titties!

This is insane!

Oh, what?

Who's this clown?

He's older than Devon. Frickin' career.

So much for "girls only," right?

Man, man, I wish these girls

- knew how to twerk. - Right?

What's twerking?

You're serious?

What was that?

I... I don't know.

Some psycho masked murderer killer?

I don't know.

He probably just couldn't handle the sexual energy

- in that room. - Right?

Oh, you know what this means?

Huh?

It's not just a slumber party.

What do you mean?

It's obviously just a good old-fashioned house party.

Oh, right, I love house parties.

I say we go for the fail proof backdoor entry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

Shelly.

- Mr. Anderson? - Hi.

What are you doing here? You scared me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm here for the same reason you are.

You know, a little hooray, entertainment.

That's cool, I guess.

Have you been inside yet?

Oh, no, no, I just got here.

Um, so did you hear about the murders?

Yeah, so sad.

Mr. Wheatley wasn't such a bad guy.

Let me slide for drinking in school once.

I actually blacked out in the nurse's office,

and he let me go home early.

Didn't call my parents or nothing.

Strange how someone would just

beat him ruthlessly.

That's what you think happened?

I don't know.

You know how people exaggerate.

I did hear it could have been some sort of accident.

In the words of the great Napoleon,

there's no such thing as an accident.

It's just fate misnamed.

Oh, all right! Booze, bro.

Yes!

Pop this bottle.

♪ Pop a bottle drink it, drink it up ♪

♪ pop-pop-pop ♪ um, hello?

- Hey. - What are you guys doing here?

The guy out back

said we could come in.

What guy out back?

I mean, aren't you guys having a party?

We are, but what makes you think you guys are invited?

You're the rat kid

from fifth period.

Like, can't we just hang out, y'know, chill?

Yeah... oh, oh! I've got pills!

Oh, yeah.

What do you have?

Uh... uh, you know,

just something from a brother's mother.

Yeah.

You don't even know what they are?

Um, I think they're oxys.

Yeah, oxys, yeah, they're oxys.

Let's take 'em.

No way. It could be anything.

Let's make Devon take 'em.

Okay!

But...

Uh... I mean, what about us?

I mean, you're just kind of leaving us

with nothing.

Um, you can have the rest of this.

Uh, sure. Yeah, okay.

But you guys have to go now.

It's no boys allowed.

Oh, so... But I mean,

can we just stay for a drink at least?

- Yeah. - No.

Just a little... no, come on.

Really?

Out.

Yeah, go home.

Losers!

What the hell?

This looks like Shelly's new bag.

Yeah, what the hell is it doing here?

Whoa, what's going on here?

I was trying to take care of your friend here

since no one else will.

Why was her boob out?

She's crazy.

Oh, I'm so telling Dee Dee when she gets back

that you guys are hooking up.

Oh, come on. You girls throw

the stupidest slumber parties ever.

No, we don't.

You're lucky I'm here

to relieve you of all your pent-up urges.

If I wasn't here,

you girls would be forced to go down on each other.

Oh, shut up, Luke. You're such a perv.

Please get out of here.

Well, I thought you were hot until I got to know you.

Yeah, my girl bailed on me.

Otherwise, I'd be in her room,

dealing with her bs.

Well, she better get back here soon

because we're running out of alcohol.

Wait, I heard you guys got some pills, though.

Well, Devon and Alex took them.

Wait, Alex? Who the hell is he?

Chill. It's a girl.

Just another one of my friends you get to harass.

Oh, that's right.

I gotta get on that.

I'll be back if she sucks, Laura.

Ew.

I can't believe she passed out.

I know, it's so early.

What's going on with tonight?

Like, nobody's spilling the dirt on anything.

Yeah, I... I think

that everybody's still a little weirded out

by the whole Erica thing.

Oh, don't say her name.

Honestly, I think her ghost is haunting me.

Shut up.

No, like, seriously,

her soul is after me.

Can I tell you a secret

if you promise you won't tell anyone?

What?

Well, I'm only telling you this

because half the girls here already know and were here,

but we were playing truth or dare,

and somehow I ended up nipple-to-nipple with her.

With Erica?

Yeah, and then she's dead, suddenly.

I mean, it was hours before,

but honestly, I'm still freaked out.

And Steph made out with her.

Ugh, that is creepy.

Did you see Steph?

Oh, yeah, I would. I would.

Are you kidding me?

- What about Erin? - Mmm.

Don't even get me started, man.

- That was awesome. - Right?

So now what are we gonna do?

Let's go around back

and spy on 'em again.

That's a good idea, that's a good idea.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Pizza's here, pizza's here.

Pizza, pizza, pizza!

Help, help...

Pizza... Pizza's here,

pizza's here!

Mm-mmm.

What kind?

I hope there's no mushrooms.

Ooh.

That's cheese.

Yeah, I'm sticking with my cupcake.

I can't get it...

Pizza face, pizza face!

Pizza, pizza!

Erin!

I just had the most disturbing dream.

Oh, my gosh, what happened?

I was being terrorized.

- By who? - Erica.

It was creepy.

That is creepy.

Laura!

You both fell for it.

That's so messed up.

- That's not funny! - Ugh.

I'm sorry.

We were playing truth or dare.

They put me up to it.

Oh, man.

Look, look, look, I'm telling you,

I know how to climb buildings.

Just give me a boost

up to that beam right up there.

Boost?

Dude, why you wanna do that?

Well, 'cause clearly the party's

going on upstairs now.

It's a one-story house, you idiot, okay?

And the rooms are on the front, so let's go around the back.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Why don't we just sit here

and finish this,

and let's wait for the party to come to us.

Give me that.

Deep swig, man.

I'm... I'm okay, I'm good.

Bro, we gotta finish it.

I... I think...

I think I'm actually gonna go be sick real quick.

Damn, are you serious?

I've never drinken... Drinken real liquor before.

It's only been malt liquor.

Oh, it's gonna...

I'll be right back. I'll be back.

Oh, dude.

Okay, Devon, truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you...

To kiss her butt.

- Mine? - Yeah.

Okay. All right.

All right.

You have a perfect fuckin' Booty.

Can you twerk?

Yeah, you don't have to ask twice.

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk!

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk!

Yeah!

All right, Erin's turn.

Truth or dare?

- Dare. - Oh, Luke.

You are not involved in this.

You guys are a bunch of boring lesbians.

- Unbelievable. - Dare, he said,

so what's it gonna be?

I dare Luke to make out with Alex for five seconds.

Seriously? His girlfriend's

about to walk up in here on me.

What do you say, Alex?

They dared us.

Whoo!

Get it, girl!

Ha ha!

Okay, Alex, your turn.

I don't want to play anymore, actually.

Okay.

Go make a fire.

Fine.

Thank you in advance.

Whoa, what?

There was a masked man in the window.

Uh, no, there's no one.

It's probably just those damn nerds.

- Relax. - Go see.

Fine.

Just meet me in the master bedroom.

You're on.

There you are.

What's going on here?

Um, can you guys get out?

I'm about to get some.

She's gonna get laid.

Give us another cigarette.

And we swear we won't say anything.

Fine. I'll give you one.

Share it.

Oh, and by the way,

his girlfriend just got here.

- What? - I'm just kidding.

- Get out. - Can't we watch?

No, can you please leave? He's about to be here.

Okay, well, hurry up in here.

You have to be in our next drinking game.

Got it. Bye.

Hey, shouldn't we go around the side of the house?

In case your mom comes home?

No, she's usually out late, so I think we're good.

Hey, do you remember that one time

she caught us watching her porn?

Oh, fine.

Yeah, you're right.

I'd rather not deal with her.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

Chill out.

What are you doing out here?

And what are you holding?

I'm playing man of the house.

Just patrolling the grounds.

Seems to be a lot of wackos that want to join in on this party.

Has Jess been running her mouth about it to everyone or something?

She's just sort of popular,

so, you know, everyone tries to get invited.

You guys aren't even having a real party.

It's a silly sleepover.

You guys don't even have any blow.

It sucks. I'm outta here.

Whatever.

Did you hear that?

Something's there.

It's probably that cat that scratches us all the time.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...

Ew!

This kid?

I thought we told you to get lost, Joel.

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm just feeling a little ill.

Oh, my God, you're pathetic.

This is where we just buried our time capsule last week.

Come on, like you've never had alcohol poisoning before?

We know how to handle our drinks.

Oh, well, that's good for you.

Tell you what.

I'm just gonna take a quick nap,

and then I'm gonna come inside

and rage it up with you ladies.

Get lost, Joel.

Just get up

and start walking, in any direction,

and I don't care how slow you do it,

- just leave. - Oh, my God.

Can't I just, like, crash in the garage or something?

- Ugh. - Ugh.

Whatever, it's not even our property.

Okay.

Ugh.

Okay.

Bye, lover boy.

Ugh, gross.

Oh, oh, God.

Hey, are you pretty wasted, too?

Gotta lay off the schnapps.

Hey, you're pretty cute. What's your name?

Don't... Don't worry about it.

I'm... I'm used to hot girls

like you ignoring me.

So do you just wanna like...

You want a little harmless drunken cuddle,

huh, yeah?

Yeah, this is great. That's good.

Wake up.

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

♪ Wake up wake up, wake up ♪

Erin, Erin?

What the hell?!

It's too early for you to be asleep.

Just let me sleep.

Not until you play a game with us.

Fine, get me an energy drink.

Okay.

Okay, so what are we doing?

Secrets.

And Steph is up first.

If you say a secret that we already know,

- you have to drink. - Okay.

Jess, get over here.

You guys, I'm really starting to worry.

I texted Shelly and my sister.

They both haven't responded.

Who cares?

Can you worry about the people who are here?

I mean, they have their own lives, too.

Okay, your turn, Steph.

Okay, um, so...

The first week of school this year,

I masturbated in the bathroom.

I already knew that.

- What? - Drink!

Okay, Devon, you're next.

Hmm, I don't know.

Let me think.

I don't know, um...

It has to be naughty.

Okay, okay.

I let my ex...

lick my butthole

the night that we broke up.

You're gross.

- I know. - Why?

Why not?

Did it feel good?

It tickled.

Laura's turn.

Okay, the secret I'm about to tell you guys,

you have to swear to secrecy.

I messed around with Donnie Short.

- What? - Yeah.

Wait, you mean Erica's boyfriend?

I didn't know that they were actually dating.

That's all she ever talked about was that guy.

Okay, well, he's kind of cute.

Did she find out?

I don't know.

I mean, I kind of think he told her,

because that night, she didn't say more than two words to me.

Man, that's messed up.

Wait, so you're the reason the bitch killed herself?

I am not taking

any responsibility for this, okay?

Besides, he came onto me.

That's a totally different game.

Time for s'mores!

Whoo!

You ready to give me my rubdown now?

Do you really want a massage?

Yes, I would, actually.

Why don't you just stick it in me instead?

Mmm, that's actually an even better idea.

- Let's do that. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First, go make me a mixed drink.

Um, sure. What do you want?

Something with vodka. Go.

Something with vodka. Be right back.

Stop eating them. There won't be enough.

I can't help it.

What's up?

- S'mores. - Gay!

Well, good, because you're not getting any.

Oh, I'm gonna eat all of them.

Um, no, you're not.

- Thank you. - Hey, that isn't for you.

You know what?

- Let's make these later. - What?

I wanna try bobbing for apples.

Yeah.

Let's try it.

Okay, fine.

Hello? I'm waiting!

Hot 17-year-old here, ready, willing and able.

Where are you?

♪ ...in the dead of night, the dead of night... ♪

Luke? Luke!

No. It isn't Luke.

It's Mr. Anderson.

What do you want?

I want you to enroll in my class.

Learn the horrors of history.

Jeez, could you be any louder in there?

Nobody's allowed in my mom's room!

Am I the only one who hasn't hooked up

with my sister's boyfriend?

Ah!

It's stupid. Whatever.

Okay.

Oh, that's cold.

- Make it hotter then. - No!

Okay. I have a game that we could play.

What now?

You close your eyes,

one of us is gonna kiss you,

and you have to figure out what one it is.

That's messed up.

What do I get if I get it right?

Stupid bitches.

Just kiss me.

Okay, don't peek.

You guys coming or what?

Okay, that's obvious.

That's the girl I kissed earlier that passed out on me.

You are so wrong!

You don't even know our names, do you?

Sure, I do, I just forgot.

I'm a little wasted. Chill.

Why don't you try again?

You know what? You two should just

have drunk apple-bobbing sex.

I'm gonna go inside and be with the girls.

Forget this.

I thought we were having a threesome.

You are such a jerk!

Did you pass out on me or something?

Alex, let me in, come on!

All units, code four, 54-16.

And code four, 1-2-7-5-0.

Good evening. Is this the Perkins residence?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, sorry about the noise.

I'll tell them to keep it down.

No, no, no, it's not that at all.

Is Jessica Perkins home?

Uh, yeah, is something wrong?

Nothing's wrong, I'd just like to speak with her, if I may.

Okay, hold on.

Just be gentle.

Well, you have knots in your hair.

- Oh, sorry, that was a big one there. - Ow!

God.

Luke.

Can you knock, ever?

Relax, pretty much seen all of you naked before.

There's a cop at the door. He wants to talk to you.

To me?

Yes, you.

Why?

Maybe because you've been a naughty girl.

I can't go out there. I've been drinking.

He's gonna smell it on me.

That's not my problem. Hurry, he's waiting.

My pants! Where's my pants?

Why? Just flirt your way out of it.

- Hi. - Hi, Jessica, sorry to disturb

you and your guests. There seems to be

a little event at your school today

that involves you and some of your friends.

What are you talking about?

Well, did you hear what happened?

A secretary and the headmaster were murdered today.

Uh, yeah, I heard about it, but where do I fit in?

We have reason to believe

that the suspect taught one of your classes.

Okay...

This particular man was given a long-term suspension

after awareness was surfaced of his reaction

between you and some of your friends online.

I'm sorry, I don't quite understand.

Our prime suspect said that one of your pictures was cute.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Anderson.

I thought it was weird, but...

I didn't really think anything of it.

You didn't think anything of it?

Now, Ms. Perkins, we're talking about

the possibility of an irrational, deranged killer.

We have to take every incident involving him today very seriously.

Well, good luck finding out whoever really did it.

I doubt it was him.

He can be kind of mean when kids don't shut up in class,

but why would he ever kill anyone?

It's not my job to figure out the psychology of a madman.

It's just my job to stop him.

We need to make sure that your friends are safe and sound.

You can never be too careful.

Just because we're in the suburbs doesn't mean we're always safe.

Keep your doors locked.

Okay.

I don't believe that.

What happened?

Don't worry about it.

Freaked me out. I thought I was

gonna get nailed for contributing to minors.

Oh, and statutory rape.

What?

He was just checking up on us

because of what happened at school today, so.

What'd you do?

- Nothing. - Wait, the murders?

Yes.

Wait, what murders?

Ugh, do we have to keep talking about this?

Can we just stop focusing

on everything bad that's happening?

I'm just trying to have fun with my friends,

and you're already ruining it by

messing around with all of them.

And making my priorities look unimportant.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll let you get back to your activities.

Hope you build an awesome fort!

You'd probably just knock it down again, you asshole.

Oh, my gosh, Jess.

So you have to tell us what the cop said.

He was just going on about Mr. Anderson.

Did you tell him that you were in love with him?

Um, no, I'm the one he's crazy about.

Wait, you were pretending to like him to make me jealous.

No, I had him in the beginning of the year,

and then you begged your mom to reassign you

'cause there were no cool kids in your classes.

You never said you liked him, though.

You said you thought he was hot.

Well, it's obvious he's hot.

Do you think the whole "suspect" thing

makes him hotter?

Um, yeah.

I thought you weren't even into bad boys.

He's not a bad boy at all.

Oh, he is now.

European history is all he cares about

and obsessing over epic victories.

He's actually really nice, though.

Oh, he's dirty. You should see the way he looks at me.

Whatever, he's all about me, not you.

Uh, you know you're all wrong.

Um, the cop said I was involved, not you.

Well, he doesn't know I'm here.

I hope he's not at my place.

It might worry my parents.

Hey, where's Alex?

Probably pretending to choke on Luke's little dick.

Does your mom have any of that appletini mixer left?

Yeah, check in the garage.

Where is everybody?

You guys trying to play hide-and-seek with me?

Just so you know, I'm not coming out there to find you.

Unbelievable.

Come out already. I'm getting pissed!

Dude. What's going on?

Not cool, bro.

Alex, are you in there?

What?

They messed up my mom's bedspread!

Oh, my gosh!

She'll flip when she sees this!

Fix it real quick.

No, she has a meticulous way of doing it.

She'll know!

Why did they have to hook up in here?

Okay, it would have been a lot worse

if he hooked up in his own girlfriend's bed

when she wasn't home, right?

I hope she's okay. Should I call my mom,

see if she's heard from her?

No, I wouldn't do that.

I mean, come on, she's on a hot date.

I wouldn't bother her.

Laura!

What is going on in here?

Whoo!

This is the last sleepover I'm having.

You're a party pooper!

Party stinker!

Oh, my God, stop!

Whoo!

Awesome.

Disgusting.

I give up.

On what?

- Everything. - That sucks.

Well.

You know what your problem is?

You don't have a boyfriend to ease you of your sexual hostility.

Too bad the only guy I like is twice my age

and wanted for murder.

Are you kidding me? Who?

You probably don't know him.

- What's his name? - His name's Ty Anderson.

What? That guy used to be my baby-sitter.

Weirdo freak. The dude used to put

mayonnaise on his chicken nuggets.

I can't remember the last time I had my hair curled.

I guess one of those pageants my mom put me in

when I was younger.

And you look good with eye shadow.

We should go to school like this.

Yeah, we should.

Hey, we never made those s'mores.

Oh, yeah. Go get to it.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna finish doing my hair.

No!

Hi, it's Dee Dee.

Sorry I can't come to the phone right now.

Leave me a message, and I'll get back to you.

Oh, and please try not to eat any animals today.

Baby, where are you?

You better not have left

to hang out with that retarded friend, Mia.

She's a drama queen.

I don't trust her friends either.

You're supposed to be here with me.

Anyway, I'm about to leave.

By the way, your mom's back.

She's gonna hook up with me.

Aah!

No, no!

Oh!

Jess!

- What? - Jess?

What?

It's okay, I'm here.

Mister... Mr. Anderson?

Yeah, it's okay.

Are you okay?

What are you doing here?

That guy went berserk on you.

It's all right, I'm here.

Luke?

I knew he was pure evil.

Are you okay?

He wouldn't have stopped until he finished everyone,

- including you. - What?

- But you're a fighter. - Is he still here?

Don't worry. Don't worry, I took care of him.

Well...

What are you doing here?

Isn't this what you wanted?

To be rescued?

What?

Did you not just tell me this morning that you wanted

to be rescued by a hero?

Well, yeah, but I...

But what? You wanted a knight in shining armor?

Someone your own age?

Oh... I'm just surprised to see you.

I think a little appreciation is in order.

You can start with a kiss.

Your... your tie...

Your suit...

What the...

And my beanie.

Hello, Devon.

Mr. Anderson.

Please, call me Ty like you do online.

- What a surprise. - Is it?

Well, I was worried about you.

Ah, so you heard

about the downsizing at school today.

Yeah, I don't know what to think about that.

They're blaming me.

Do you believe them?

Well, of course not.

I'll have to tell them eventually what occurred,

but I'm just afraid

they're not gonna believe me.

Well, I believe you.

That's why I had to find you.

So you must have seen our postings

about our slumber party?

Yes.

So what really happened?

Dean Wheatley broke down.

Something about

his wife not giving him enough alone time

to play with his toy trains.

He started yelling at that sweet secretary, Linda.

He started throwing things, and she came in, I left,

Wheatley stabbed her with some scissors.

As she was going down, she grabbed him

and latched on him and snapped his neck.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I just knew they'd put me away for a long time

until forensics cleared my name.

Well, I'll vouch for you.

I'll tell them what a great guy you are.

I'm resigning.

You... you are?

Yes.

You've made me realize that I should pursue

the things in life that really matter.

It's you that I need and want, Devon.

Everything else is just meaningless.

Even European history?

Even many parts of European history

are meaningless.

Oh, Mr. Anderson.

I'm so ready.

This is so bad.

I knew you couldn't kill anyone.

Of course not.

It's the demon inside me...

- to blame! - No!

No! No!

Please!

Why are you doing this?

All I wanted was

a little appreciation.

After all, it's teachers' day!

But you're a teacher's aide!

Aah!

9-1-1, emergency.

Teacher's aide.

He was seen taking the female by force.

Don't know location.

297, 927, come in.

All units, suspect has disappeared at Fillmore and Ralston.

Last seen Northbound, Hoff... towards Costco.

Suspect vehicle is black or gray.

Code three.

Units 947 and 1512.

Code three, possibly 187,

suspect is white male wearing a purple ski mask.

Adam-11.

Got multiple 187s.

Gonna need supervisor in the crime scene.

That's a roger.

Looks like we got our suspect down here.

Guess he wasn't that educated after all.

Oh, you are so incredible.

Help!

Now you have to hide things.

Zip it up, we're a block away from home.

Aww, can't we just go around the block one more time?

Well, maybe I can sneak you in.

Okay, really?

What was that?

We ran over something.

Oh, no, did we hit a pretty little doggy?

No, it looked like my daughter!

Damn!

It's students' day, bitch!

♪ I'm here to break it down ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit, fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit, fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, bananas and oranges ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, yeah, that's what it is ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, yeah, I ain't fucking with it ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, now-now-now let's go ♪

♪ I got that fruit, uh-huh, I got them grapes ♪

♪ yeah, I got them apples, yeah, it's all great ♪

♪ and I'm putting that fruit f-f-f-fruit fruit down ♪

♪ you know that I do it like up and get down-down ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ if you're looking for some fruit ♪

♪ hit me up on the telly ♪

♪ I'm known as the girl ♪

♪ with the fruit on her belly ♪

♪ got grapes, got bananas ♪

♪ got some cherries, too ♪

♪ your mama's gonna be so proud of you ♪

♪ eating lots of fruit keeps you extra-hydrated ♪

♪ eat an apple a day is what the doctor stated ♪

♪ fuck a fake fruit, fuck a fake fruit ♪

♪ fuck a fake fruit Yeah ♪

♪ where your real fruits at... What's up? ♪

♪ Fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, party at the telly ♪

♪ girl, your ass is jelly-jelly-jelly ♪

♪ yeah, my flow is scary, horror movie scary ♪

♪ murder murder scary-scary-scary ♪

♪ ahh, fruit on my belly, got the girls going crazy ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, sh-shake that fruit around ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, got the girls going crazy ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, and they getting down ♪

♪ fruit-fruit, yo, move that fruit-fruit ♪

♪ yeah, move that fruit-fruit ♪

♪ girl, move your fruit-fruit ♪

♪ girl, move that fruit-fruit ♪

♪ now move that fruit-fruit ♪

♪ move that fruit and get-get down-down ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ yeah, fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

♪ fruit on my belly, fruit-fruit on my belly ♪

Yo, it's Nookie in the house.

Where your real fruits at?