Original subtitles

regular programming will not be seen at

this time so we may bring you the Mad

Magazine TV special

with the automobile manufacturer of the

year

the Academy Awards for Barons

bad X ravings

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the odd father

a peek behind the scenes at a hospital

and the kind of car that you've learned

to expect from mad's usual gang of

idiots the Mad Magazine TV special is

brought to you by

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hello there I'm Howard K bluntly

speaking to you from Detroit Michigan

we're here for another interview with

people who make America great our guest

today is Mr etzel Lemon the famous

industrial Tycoon who was recently named

as mads auto manufacturer of the year

hmm well seeing all these new cars

rolling out of the plant I'd assume that

business is very good these days Mr

Lemon now business is very rotten these

days those are last year's cars rolling

back into the plant to have their

mechanical defects fixed some layout huh

we've got 38 000 men working on the

assembly line

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comes in after school to work on our

anti-pollution device

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this is the bumper section oh those men

are about to attach a bumper to a car

well I I had no idea a bumper was so

heavy that it takes six men to carry oh

no that's not because it's so heavy

those six men are carrying it as a

safety precaution it's so brittle if

they ever drop it it'll shatter into a

million pieces

this is our accessory department where

we design all the Innovations like these

power seat covers the electric ash trays

and the Spiro Agnew dashboard clock I

see and uh who needs these accessories

our dealers how do you expect them to

get rich if they can't sell at least

three thousand dollars worth of

accessories to go with every two

thousand dollar car and that man I take

it is trying to make some new accessory

from transistorized component no no no

no he's double checking the fine print

in our new car warranty to make sure

that everything that could go wrong is

always the customer's fault hop in I'll

take you over to The Proving Grounds

where we're testing the prototypes of

our new models come on every model

prototype must successfully cover this

very dangerous obstacle course now the

test driver starts the car at the top of

that Hill there and rolls it nearly 500

feet to the bottom but but I don't see

any obstacles are you kidding that's

enough of an obstacle if our prototype

can go 500 feet without falling apart we

put it into production

now I'd like to show you our Safety

Research Department well you've

certainly got it in a beautiful building

I must no no no this isn't it this is

our executive indoor golf course uh

Safety Research is over there

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this is George he's working on new

safety belts that's right as you know

the average car has two safety belts in

front well we've added five more belts

one runs from a dashboard to the rear

window one runs from the engine to the

trunk one runs from the roof the

floorboard one runs of those five extra

belts should really make passengers safe

oh who cares about passengers we're

using them to hold a car together

a one about the pollution problem Mr

Lemon what are you doing about exhaust

fumes that foul our air

I'm happy to report that next year we

are doing something we are following the

lead of cigarette manufacturers you mean

like putting a filter on the end of the

exhaust pipe to trap the dangerous gases

now like putting a sticker on the side

of every car breathing in Auto exhaust

fumes may be hazardous to your health

then basically you don't go along Henry

Ford's ID on automobile production

who's Henry Ford well he discovered that

by keeping the same design year after

year he could afford to sell cars for

three hundred dollars yeah no wonder I

never heard of him I don't associate

with Tommy radicals come on I'll drive

you home fine I've been looking at ads

your cars and I hate say it but they're

misleading and deceptive you said

self-decepted they say uh your cars are

durable and dependable you just showed

me your cards and they're not adorable

no oh I know but what difference does

that make even if we made good fast

Dependable cars who'd ever know it when

there's no room for them to move anyway

I see what you mean

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this is Howard K bluntly signing off

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hello

sweetie honey Daisy daddy time is over

time to get dry and ready for Teddy bye

First We Take out the little rubber

dolly honestly Edna don't you think

you're spoiling that duck a little

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all right

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thank you

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did you hear about the new trailer Camp

they opened up about five miles down the

road it's a heck of a lot nicer in this

place I'm moving down there they really

I'm going through so much

well here goes the neighborhood

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quick

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ladies and gentlemen welcome to mad's

Academy Awards for parents

here in this overstuffed garishly

decorated living room Mr Mrs Wilbur

nasal overlooking their other three and

a half uncomfortable rules we have

gathered to honor those people whose

acting performance is best illustrate

the time-honored and traditional

concepts of Parenthood that the winner

will receive his lovely 14 carat solid

gold-plated statuette the mommy and now

on with a show the nominees are or best

supporting actress in a teenager's

sloppy room Mrs Elsie gladbach for her

memorable performance in you're just

impossible what do you think I am your

personal maid you think all I have to do

is pick up after you your friend should

see how you keep your room up at their

rooms are near but their rooms are clean

I'll bet their their rooms are worse

don't change the subject it's your room

I'm talking about or best adaptation of

an original getting rid of the kid for

the summer routine Mrs Alice Corker for

her heart-rending scene in It's you

we're thinking of darling you're leaving

her to us more than it hurts you how do

you think we'll feel awesome along

without our little man around the house

but don't worry about us we're happy to

sacrifice so you can have a wonderful

summer at cam but what if I hate Camp

you're right it's all about it while

we're in Europe

or best original score in the typical

coming late for supper song and dance

Mrs Horton's inlay for her inspiring

number in I could drop dead for all you

care what you care that I sweat all day

over a hot stove it was supposed to be

home half an hour ago instead of walsing

in late you should get down on your

hands and knees and be grateful you have

such a devoted mother well this is the

end for all I take and eat your dinner

cold what are we having for dinner tuna

fish salad or a special effect in the

you kids today have no respect for money

category Mrs Phyllis friebel for her

touching performance in upset who's

upset you think bothers me that you

played football in your brand new

your father's hard-earned money you

think I'm upset but it'll take 15 or 20

dollars to re-read it

to be my artist you think I'm angry

angry gee mom I knew you'd understand

the winner is

Mrs Richard close for a brilliant

reversal in I get no help around you who

do you think you are the queen from

Sheba is it beneath you with the help of

the dishes are you afraid you'll sell

your dainty little hands well from now

on everyone in this house does her share

or else she can move out

move out don't you get sarcastic with me

young lady well that's it folks as mad's

Academy Awards for parents draw to a

close and the recipients and Opals rush

for the exit so they can get home quick

and start screaming and raving and

carrying on trying to qualify for next

year's coveted Awards believe it you all

goodbye bye

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[Applause]

hmm

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I actually been a nurse in that room for

two weeks how come they're all rushing

in now it's tip time nurses can smell

patients who are checking out a mile

away I guess you're right four of them

are from another hospital

the heart patient in 413 just had a

serious relapse what happened when he

rang the button over his head for a

nurse and one actually showed up

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Miss puddle you've got the name tags on

these babies all mixed up now we'll

never know which infant is which so

don't worry the mothers will never know

either

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hey who put a lock on this bathroom door

bathroom doors and hospitals are not

supposed to have luck I know they're

taking all the fun out of nursing now

how can we walk in unexpectedly and

embarrassed patients

ready to operate doctor okay Mr Gumball

now just break this glass of whiskey and

bite down on this bullet we'll have that

little old gallbladder out in the jacket

PBA

results of this new anesthesiologist

how awful if only he could have held on

for another hour why is his doctor

coming no we could have charged him for

an extra day nice what's the idea of

allowing Mr Forbes to fall asleep you

know he's supposed to have the

medication I prescribe the precisely 8

P.M I'm sorry doctor it won't happen

again okay now wake him up and give him

the sleeping pills I gave the patient

lunch and he threw up well that's not

unusual considering the fullness

Hospital uh try feeding him

intravenously

and his vein threw up

come on try again

now this has been going on for three

days now why can't you admit this

patient well he hasn't been able to tell

us his Blue Cross number but these

charges are ridiculous 30 dollars per

box of monogram stationary at two

hundred and fifty dollars for a donation

to your new Sarah J Fingerhut Memorial

Pavilion but sir one of our solicitors

sold these to you right after you came

up from the recovery room I don't

remember that at all of course you

wouldn't you were Delirious at the time

how big you charge me for a private room

when my bed was in the corridor because

yours was the only bed in the corridor

where are you going with that garbage

I'm taking it out to dump it easier

some garbage going out that garbage is

the food coming in

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I propose a toast the Don Vito

minestrone the biggest synagogue leader

in the country

hey you I'm with The Syndicate

Anti-Defamation League don't you know

you're not supposed to use the white

Syndicate in this picture oh sorry uh

how about a toaster Don Vito minestrone

the biggest racketeer miter in the

country that's better

what a fantastic makeup job how did they

ever get and look so old I can't believe

it's really Marlo Brandon

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yeah that's smaller Brandon all right oh

papa I'm so happy on my wedding day why

aren't you happy too why do you look so

pained do you think it's easy to see a

little girl grow up you think it's easy

to give her away to another man you

think it's easy to talk with eight

pounds of cotton in your cheeks

what's an agenda today even there are

people waiting to ask favors of you okay

bring them in one at a time and they

haven't paid their respect to the odd

father this is Mr Bongiorno

minestrone

you're so far so good and I gravel into

your feet

you left you okay now show some respect

fear and illustrious

manipulator of the world the

government's the most exalted of a

personages all on the be thy name

beautiful now what can I do for you on

this holy occasion I want you to rub out

the two allows you thinks

how can I ever thank you

swear to me and your mother's grave that

when I ask you for a favor you will

grant it what is the grade my mother she

isn't a dad yet just remember that when

I asked for a favor and now crawl out of

here others are waiting number two oh

God number two this is Angie Maggio

Santa

Lucia

Santa Lucia it's a miracle a miracle

what's a miracle I had just met the only

Italian in the world who can sing what

can I do for you there's a great part in

a new movie that I want but the producer

won't give it to me Haven tell the

producer to give Mr Maggio reporter I

break his back oh thank you odd father

Santa Lucia Santa even tell Mr Maggio to

stop singing all right break his mouth

I'm worried about blood so I think

there's going to be Bloodshed between

his family and ours and look at the big

car barreling down the street maybe it's

them

don't worry that's not them

don't worry that's not the

no you can worry

is he dead did those two hoods in the

big black Cog on him down well not

exactly when they got within 50 feet of

him a mug who was stealing a woman's

purse ran into the path of a hijacked

truck going the wrong way at a one-way

Street which swerved into a drug Pusher

stolen motorcycle they all fell on top

of him in other words he died of natural

causes natural causes in New York that's

an actual course hey wait a minute he's

not dead after all he's trying to speak

what's he saying it's hard to tell he's

hurt so bad he's mumbling so I can't

understand him I got news for you he

talks like that when he's not hurt too

how's my father doc well he's wretching

and he's gasping for breath and he's

moaning a lot he's fighting for his life

no he's fighting for an Oscar it's me

migrant

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my class at law school and in my spare

time I work for United Charities I'm

sorry I asked I'll pop don't start him

again I mean just because I believe in

Law and Order get out of here with your

dirty mouth but pop get the stranger out

bring me your songs Papa sometimes you

get me so angry I'm afraid I won't be

able to control myself because you know

what I feel like doing right now I feel

like killing you I feel like killing my

own father hey my boy's gonna be all

right

Micron would pop in a hospital and his

gangwalk going on we need you it's time

to join a family business but silly I

have great aspirations I'm going to be a

governor or a senator listen kid if you

want to be a big time criminal like a

governor or Senator you got to start at

the bottom and wake yourself up we want

you to meet plazo and Charlie's

Restaurant

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hey what's the matter you're looking

nervous no no no I'm not lots of Mr

nervous I mean uh well what so will you

you now where you're going huh oh I'll

be right back I just gotta go to The Gun

Room this is the men's room I mean

I almost blew it oh boy am I scared now

where do they stash the gun maybe left

me a message and you hear something

written on the wall

your eyes ice Broken Heart

okay now all I gotta do is remember what

they told me walk out calmly go up to

Palazzo and shoot them twice in the head

drop the gun and leave that's simple

enough to be calm be cool and above old

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what happened

samania came out of the men's room

firing a gun looks like he shot

everybody in the place everybody but

plotso how did he get it from

complications brought on by eating too

much congini veal parmigiana and lasagna

in other words he died of natural causes

natural causes in an Italian restaurant

that's natural causes ah it's great to

have you home again Papa and I got good

news Michael took care of plazo my

little boy's first killing I'm so proud

of him remind me to have his gun bronze

Lazy Moon Sicily waiting for the heat to

die down oh in the bathroom waiting for

his stomach to die down

tomato I can just save me this slopped

rosini pepperoni ravioli vermicelli

manicotti I know

but for breakfast

what's that Kenny golly beat you up

again did he think I'll kill him hold

until I get there what I don't know how

hit him over the head with a lamp I'll

push him down the stairs just don't do

anything rash why are we following Cindy

done minestrone suspect Collies waking

the linguine and may be setting cine up

so we gotta protect the men uh oh too

late

poor cine Papa knew it would happen to

him one of these days Papa warned him so

many times you mean a dog was right

those willingweenies men in Disguise no

they were real tall collectors Papa must

have told him a thousand times never go

up to a toll booth with a twenty dollar

bill

I call this mating of all the families

because my heart is broken my son

Cindy's dad and my boy Micron has been

an exile in the bathroom for six months

now between us we control the nation's

gambling prostitution narcotics without

us this whole country would come to a

standstill I say it's time to get this

country moving again this war must end

we must stop destroying each other and

start destroying those plain ordinary

citizens again like normal American

businessmen the greed agreed agreed yeah

agreed

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I got to do that too you only have to

kiss him you don't have to marry him

unless there's no more war between the

families now I can live to a ripe old

age and peace you chased me Grandpa of

course I chase you Angie my little

grandson and then we will play some

Syndicate Kitty games like hide and

think and cops and good guys

oh

the odd father is dead

he suffered a heart attack chasing

little Angie

he was a kind man a gentle soul a

good-hearted person had a decent human

being did he say any last words before

he died yeah he wants someone to lean on

the kid

boys with done minestrone dead I'm

taking over his head of older families

not so not so less Linguini it's Micron

minestrone is back from the bathroom

he's beginning to act like the odd

father now let's get things straight

I'm in charge here he's beginning to

look like the odd father and from now on

when I say ghosts do I make myself

clearly

he's even beginning to sound like the

odd father and I got plans big plans

we're gonna make millions

he used the odd father now here's what

we're gonna do we're going legit we're

going to show business we're gonna make

a movie about us can't you just see it

now theodon is everywhere will show it

who else critics everywhere will love it

or else yeah and people everywhere will

be standing in line waiting to see it

for reals yeah and it will win an

Academy Award or else yeah well we'll

start the movie off of my sister Kenny's

wedding and then what will happen

still awake

the Mad Magazine TV special has been

brought to you by

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e

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thank you

foreign

collection of trash cannot in any way

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