Original subtitles

-Need a ride? -That obvious?

-How far are you going? -As far as I can.

Hop in.

Aah!

You wanted a surgeon, you fucker.

Okay, so why don't we, uh,

we're going to stay on the wide and then lose that close-up

before she jumps out of the doorway to stab him?

Oh. God damn it.

You say something?

Oh, it just sounds like you're going for surprise

instead of suspense, again, Jack.

-Can you hang on for just a second, please?

What is the name of your magazine again?

Vicious Fans? -"Vicious Fanatics."

It's right here. -I'm on a brutal deadline.

So you got five more minutes. Go.

-Yeah, sorry.

Vicious tales.

Jack, serious critics,

myself included, have noticed that you've repeatedly

used slow moving killers over your last dozen films.

You did it in Your Carnation for Corpses, Status of Fear,

Black Friday. You did it in -- -Slower is scary.

-I mean, Sally's running blocks

ahead of the happy smile killer in Black Friday.

He always manages to catch her, but it's not really realistic.

It's not possible. -It's dream logic.

It's like you're in a nightmare, right?

And you can't outrun it no matter how fast you go.

-Right, right, right, right, right, right,

right, right, right. Lazy writing.

Ah, why in your last three films,

whenever one hears a noise, do they always go outside?

Why would you do that? -Hey, all right. All right.

60 Minutes, take it easy, okay?

I make fun movies, if you don't like them,

why don't you tell me what you would do?

-You really want to know what I would do?

Cab drivers.

-What?

-Cab -- cab drivers.

Huh?

Think about it.

They drive you home so they know where you live,

but they have zero connection to you.

Who looks twice as a cab driver, let alone remembers their face?

Jack, they're the perfect killers.

It's modern horror for modern times.

Why is no one doing this? Why aren't you doing this?

-Well, that is a real million dollar idea there, Jim.

You should be proud of yourself.

-Thank you, it's Joel, but thank you.

-Maggie! You're good, right?

-Actually, no. I was going to ask --

-Maggie, can you show the correspondents

for Vicious Fun out, please?

-Vicious Fanatics. -Vicious Fun.

-Fanatics. -Sounds better.

Vicious Fun sounds better.

-Okay. -See you, Jed.

-Hey, it's me just letting you know I'll be home late.

I have a date, I just met the guy.

Crazy, right? Anyway, I didn't want you to worry again.

Thanks, roomie. Bye!

♪♪

Fade in, the city, night.

Rain falls like drops of poison.

Windshield wipers slash

like deadly knives.

Nice.

On the corner, like a crouching tiger,

a taxi awaits.

Nice!

Ah.

That's a sweet ride.

Damn it.

God damn it.

What are you...

Oh, damn it.

Eight ways to look better.

Okay.

Oh! -Oh, Joel, hi.

-Sarah.

-Oh, you having somebody over?

-Um, well, yeah, I was just thinking about it.

Thinking about it.

A couple of girls asked me to hang out.

Had some options.

Ashley...

Catherine...

Judith.

Carl...a.

-Oh, and hey, do you mind if I have the TV tonight?

Cindy's coming over to watch "Falcon Crest."

-Sarah, "Falcon Crest"?

-Joel, do you like anything? Like at all?

-A lot of things, but "Falcon Crest"?

I was thinking we could rent a beta machine,

a couple of movies, taco night?

-Actually, I was kind of hoping

for more of a girls night.

- Oh.

I'll have a girls night with Carl...a.

-Great. -You've never met her.

-Hey, Joel. -Hey.

Wait, wait, no, no, wait, taxi, taxi, wait, wait, wait.

Follow that car.

Drab Majesty: ♪ I see your future now ♪

Stretching on through the years

♪ Devotion is not a word I fear ♪

♪ What falls between ♪

♪ Your hand and mine ♪

♪ Forsaking, for breaking ♪

♪ A sculpture that we made in time ♪

Operation The Phoenix -- The Nest --

working title.

Natch.

Come on, Joel. Come on.

-Busy night, huh? -What's that, Chief?

-I said, sorry, it's loud. Busy night in here.

-Yeah, wouldn't know, I'm not from around here.

-Me neither, actually. -What can I get you?

-Oh, just whatever he's having.

-Have I met you before?

-No, no, I've never seen you before in my entire life, ever.

-Thought I might have showed you a house sometime.

Name's Bob. Bob Nice.

-Bob, it's nice to meet you. I'm...Dave.

-So what brings you out to these neck of the woods there, David?

-Just taking a break from all the ladies I get.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,

we've all had our troubles with that one time or another,

trying to find them, trying to get rid of them.

-Yeah.

-Why don't you say this round's on me.

-Sure. Very nice of you.

So I suppose you're here waiting for your wife.

You're wearing... - Oh!

Yeah, this.

I wear it because I find it helps me sell and close.

-Oh! So there's no my wife in the picture at all.

-Fuck no.

But I did just happen to go

on a rather "eventful date," quote unquote.

-What does that mean? Go ahead. Give me the details.

- Well, you see, Dave,

well, a date implies dinner,

some handholding, nice wine,

staring into each other's eyes.

-So that didn't happen with this one?

So it's not that serious, huh?

-More like a few tequila gold shots,

followed by her mastering her gag reflex, huh?

- Oh! You asshole.

-Two whiskeys!

-Oh! -Yeah!

That was nice except for all the chatting.

She was definitely a talker.

-Oh, yeah, she's a talker? About anything specific?

-Well, you name it, our job, her aerobics class,

her roommate.

-Her roommate. She talk about her roommate?

-Yeah, that was a low point.

Might want to slow down there, Dave.

-No.

It does burn, though.

-I was showing her a bungalow.

You see, she was looking to get out on her own.

I mean, who can blame her after living with such

a loser roommate for so long?

-She call him a loser? -No, no, I did.

You see, Dave, this boy, he's not like you and me.

-Really?

-He's alone every night watching any piece of shit

he can get his grubby little hands on.

Guy would probably need the chloroform rag

and a panel van just to get any action, am I right?

-He's probably slept with at least one girl.

You know, you ever think that I don't know,

maybe this girl's bringing up this guy on a date with you

because maybe she likes him as more than a friend?

-Ha!

-Whoo!

That's funny stuff, Dave, that is funny!

-Just wonder why she didn't tell me.

-What's that?

-I don't know why she didn't tell him.

-Oh, well, she "feels bad" for him, whatever that means.

But you know what I say, David, you cut and run.

-Yeah, cut and run.

You make a good point, Bob.

You know what? Fuck that guy.

What do you say we get blintzed? Let's get blintzed, huh!

-Why don't you, uh, hold the fort for me there, Bosko?

I'll just be back in a few minutes, huh?

-Sure.

The next 10 minutes, a year, who has time for Joel?

♪♪

Hey, barkeep.

Maybe pour me some more of this red hot molten lava.

Hey. Hey, what the fuck?

-I added his drinks to your tab.

-What? -He said it's on you.

-Asshole.

Hey, leave the bottle.

Wait, how much is the -- how much...

-Gotta go. Bye.

- Can I buy you a drink, hot stuff?

That was mine.

When I get back, then.

So hot.

Hello?

-Jesus, Joel. You sound like you've had a gallon of gasoline.

-No. Wrong!

I had red hot molten lava.

-Do you need me to come and get you?

-I don't need you, Sarah. I'm just...

-Joel? Joel!

Joel.

I just gotta lay here, man, till everything stops spinning.

What the fuck?

I'm happier now than I have ever been.

More successful.

I have faced everything that you're afraid of

and I come out the other side.

I can help you live your life with confidence.

-Um...

Sorry to interrupt your meeting.

-You must be Phil.

Take a seat. -You're late.

-Uh... -Come on. Come on.

Point is, you're here now. Have a seat.

We're all here for the same reason, right?

Have a seat. This is a safe place.

-Sure.

Guys, listen.

-You are Phil, right?

-Who the fuck else would he be?

-I'm -- I'm Phil.

-Well, sit, then. -Sitting.

-My name is Zachary. -I'm Hideo.

-Mike. -Carrie.

-Fritz.

-Phil, thanks so much for coming out.

You've got the floor.

-Hmm? -Uh, uh, uh, what?

-Oh, no, you know what?

I liked what you were saying

when I came around the corner there.

That was some good stuff, if you just want to finish that up.

-No, no, no. I'm finished. All done.

-I talked. -So did I.

-Yep.

-You've got the floor now, Phil.

-Okay.

Well, you know, I'm here for the same reasons

as everyone else is in the circle,

you know, to get help.

Yeah, for my addiction?

It's getting rough.

Yeah, oh, it's bad, it's bad.

Even this last day/night, phew, I hit rock bottom.

To be honest, I'm starting to --

starting to realize I'm not what I think

other people think I am.

-Well, that was fucking vague. -Michael!

You seem agitated.

What's -- what's -- what's swirling around your head?

-Sometimes I just feel like I lose touch

with my essence animal.

You know, my essence animal.

I'm the shark, remember?

-Oh, yeah, shark, that's cool. I like that.

-I just want to hunt, to live by pure instinct.

Is it my fault society rejects that?

-No, Mike, no. -Fuck you! That was rhetorical.

-I am troubled by our empty seat.

-Well, our friend is always reliable.

-He's reliable and never late.

-He said he'd be here, he'll be here. All right?

Let's -- let's don't get off track.

-Remember Utah? -Jesus, here we go again.

-Hideo, we don't say the word Utah unless

we've got ourselves a Utah.

This ain't a Utah.

There's no chance of being a Utah 'cause I'm here.

So can we just move on?

-Yeah, let's move on. No, forget Utah.

-Let's keep the crosstalk to a minimum. All right?

-Mike was saying something really interesting

about what you're hunting for in life?

If you want to finish that thought up?

-Just want to be in the moment.

Could be out in a little cabin,

summer camp upstate. -Oh.

-Sorority house. -That's weird.

-Then things get fuzzy for me.

All I remember is screaming.

Then the silence, you know?

-Can you please describe your disposal methods?

How do you conceal your actions from people like you?

-I don't know, man. I don't do my dishes half the time.

You think I'm going to clean up a blood-drenched campsite?

What do you do with the bodies?

-I have a 17 point plan that involves several stages of --

-Oh, wake me up when you're done.

-I once concealed myself in a drop ceiling

for 16 consecutive hours, lying in wait for my mark,

while I slowed my heartbeat to almost nothing.

Have you ever even bitten into a kidney?

A warm, fresh kidney is unlike --

-I don't want to hear it.

-If I may continue uninterrupted.

-Oh, of course. Thank you, Fritz.

-I found that by using the skills from my pretend life

as an accountant,

I am able to calculate the number of kills

that I can perform within a given time frame,

thus increasing my efficiency.

-No, just give me a mask, a machete,

and a bunch of half naked co-eds

and I'm ready to go!

-You implied that eating flesh is a shameful act.

On the contrary, it is the only meat

that has any sense of nobility --

-...and a voice

calls me to do so. -What is...

-It speaks only to me.

I have found that eating flesh is all that soothes it.

-Nope, back of the head. Done. -Hot damn.

Where were you two in the early '70s?

I could -- I could have used you.

Do you know it's a pain in the ass?

Training death squads for the government.

You gotta take men and break them

until they lose all sense of humanity.

No weekends off.

But goddamn, if I had you two?

Oh, my. Top of the agency in a couple of years.

But I'm not. Didn't make it there.

They said I didn't follow protocol.

Got messy. It got really messy.

I like it messy sometimes.

Too much, what'd they say, collateral damage.

Oh, well. Better luck next time.

-I found what I think is a unique solution

to the problem of concealment and disposal.

I murder the same victim repeatedly over several months,

therefore garnering multiple kills per unit.

-Bullshit.

-I put my victims on life support, revive them,

and kill them repeatedly.

The final kill is always exceptionally...

It's drawn out.

It's my reward for exercising prudence.

-Oh, my God. Wow.

-See? Smart, smart.

He listens, stays within the limits.

Carrie, how about you?

How do you maintain your lifestyle

and still keep your urges under control?

-I've killed seven people this year,

I've never been caught, and I'm fucking stoked about it.

-Quite a woman. -Next.

-Phil. -Hmm?

-Why are you here?

-It's complicated. -Complicated?

-Mm-hmm. -Complicated?

Fuck you, complicated.

A month ago, I killed an entire Cambodian village.

I poured rice into the village well.

I camped out in some trees for a couple of days

and listened to the screams of the dying.

Couple weeks go by, what am I doing?

Hanging out just watching episodes of "Three's Company"

in my underwear, waiting for the next mission.

Now, what part of that story

do you think was the hardest for me to admit?

Ah, Philip.

Tell us.

-I'm a taxi -- taxi driver.

-Go on.

-I'm like a crocodile.

A steel crocodile on wheels,

prowling through the dark

asphalt rivers of the city,

yeah, much like a crocodile, I separate the weak

from the herd,

only for me, it's single girls,

you know, young girls that have been broken up with,

cheated on, stood up,

just pining for the men they can't have.

And I-I pick them up.

They come to me, and I just release them from the pain.

-That's beautiful, man. -Thank you.

-Do you ever come close getting caught?

-Think about it, guys.

How would I? You know?

Taxi drivers, they drive you home.

They know exactly where you live,

but they have zero connection to you.

Right? Who -- have any of you

even remembered the taxi driver that you've driven with?

No. They're the perfect killers. -They are.

-I, me, I'm perfect. One of a kind, unique.

-So you hide in plain sight.

-I don't need a drop ceiling,

a 17-point plan, a sorority house.

You just give me a car,

a rainy night,

I'm invisible, invisible.

-Brilliantly banal.

-Yeah. -All right.

What do we say we take a break, reconvene in 10 minutes?

-10 minutes, fine with me. -We wait.

Not everyone has spoken.

-Hideo, well, I believe he has forfeited his turn.

Okay, fine, you want to sit there, you sit there,

get your heart rate down to zero or 10

or whatever you want to do.

Oh, it's moving up, I can tell.

What are you clocking right now?

100? 110?

Do not get caught up

in society's web of --

Phil, unlock the door and see who that is.

Unlock the door, see who it is. -Yeah.

I'll just unlock the door.

-Holy shit.

Long time no see.

Looks like I underestimated you, huh?

I love this guy.

Hey, everyone. I know I'm late.

I thought I had a little more time to kill there, huh?

So just getting started?

-We just took a break. Glad you could make it.

Good to see you, too, Zachary, Michael, Hideo,

science teacher guy, Joan Jett.

-They have names. This is Fritz and Carrie.

Carrie's from the South Dakota circle.

-He knows who I am.

He's just being his usual hilarious self.

-And Phil here is new.

-You're Phil? -Yeah.

-Thought you said your name was Dave.

-Because I didn't know if I could trust you.

I was just in disguise as Dave when we met earlier,

your regular, old drunk bar patron.

It's my go-to. -So y'all talked?

-Phil was telling us all about himself.

-Wow.

It's like I get to meet you all over again

for the first time.

So, hmm, what's your angle?

Are you a skinner, a slice or dicer

or corpse humper?

What gets the old creative juices flowing?

-Taxi cab driver.

-Taxis.

No, no, no, you're going to have to give me

a little more to go on there.

-I am a cab driver. -Mm.

-I pick up girls -- -Mm-hmm.

-...and, um...

-Right, right.

-You know, you get it? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, actually, I don't. -You know, taxi drivers.

They know where you live,

they have zero connection to you,

they're basically the perfect killers.

-But you are calling into dispatch

with the address you're going to, right?

-Yeah.

-What happens when the girl who you dropped off,

you know, she turns up dead or missing?

I mean, trail leads right to you.

Isn't that kind of dumb?

-But I do most of my killings off duty.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh. -Yes.

-Oh, wait, no, no, no. I'm still confused.

How do you get the cab, then?

-Unless you drive it around when you're off work?

-Yeah, no.

-If you're off duty, why would you call into dispatch?

-Uh...

I have my methods.

It's a good point, Zachary.

The reason for that...

-How many girls you killed this year, Phil?

-So many I can't even keep track.

-You have not told me one true thing

since the moment I met you, huh?

Your name is Phil, is it?

-Son of a fucking bitch.

-I thought you had our little group sessions

on lockdown there, Zachary? -I did.

-But hey, hey. You don't have to get up.

-Looks like we have ourselves an interloper.

-No, no, no. Mike!

There's a perfectly good explanation, you guys.

Please.

No, no, no, no, guys, please, please don't kill me,

please don't fucking kill me, please.

-Who the fuck are you? -No one, I'm no one. I swear.

I swear. -Get his wallet.

How the fuck did you get in here?

-I was -- I came in, I got drunk at the bar

and I went to go to the bathroom

and I just -- I passed out in a closet for a few hours, okay?

-I saw him in here earlier, drunk off his ass.

His story checks out. -See, see?

-Well, Joel Polsky. -Zach, guys, if you let me go,

I won't tell anyone, I swear, who would even believe me?

Right? -Shut the fuck up.

I'm saying we let this fucking idiot go,

give him a five minute head start,

then I decide which one of you

has the pleasure of hunting him down.

-First of all, I don't like it.

-Agreed.

-Secondly, I'm obviously the guy to hunt him down.

-Mike, I'm in charge here. Why don't you put a lid on it?

-Who made you the leader?

-Me, when I volunteered to have this meeting.

Plus I have hundreds more kills

than the rest of you fucking amateurs.

-Fuck you. Oh, what?

Like it's so hard to rack up a body count

with government funding.

-You're not a big picture guy, are you, Mike?

I think we've established that.

Why don't you go to the bar and pour yourself a nice

tall glass of shut the fuck up, we've been compromised.

What do you want to kill him here?

What about the evidence?

You're gonna burn the place down?

This isn't some campsite, Mike,

where you've just killed a bunch of sorority girls

and you going to jerk off all over their fucking corpses.

-Hey, gang, why don't we put this to a vote?

-We are still one member short. -Six minus one equals five.

And that's without Phil.

-Jesus, what a bunch of fucking weirdo.

-What did you say?

-Oh, my God, I'm so much better than this.

We are better than this.

Listen, it's going to all work out, I promise.

Trust me.

Where you going?

-What the fuck? Were you taping us the whole time?

-Guys, guys, there's a perfectly good explanation that.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, please don't kill me.

What the fuck?

Who are you?

-I'm the one who's going to kill

every one of those sick fucks.

-Boys.

I say shit has gone south.

-Jesus.

-Fuck.

-Carrie?

Carrie...

Carrie, darling!

-What do you want, Robert? -It's very quiet in there.

-So what? He's dead.

-Look, the guys, they got a little carried away.

They feel terrible about it. You could just see their faces.

-I'm sure they're so sorry. -Carrie.

We're tired. It's late.

I think all any of us want is just to see him

and his little tape recorder

and we could just pick up and go our separate ways.

-First person through that door

gets an ax in the head.

-Carrie?

Things seem to have gotten a little carried away.

You've turned this into some sort of weird

hostage negotiation.

Why?

And how is it that that little twerp

and his tape recorder

ended up in Phil's seat in our circle tonight?

-Why don't you find Phil and ask him?

♪♪

Why does that sound like a dare?

-What the fuck are you doing here? Who are you?

-Nobody. I told you I'm no --

Well, I mean, I'm not nobody. I'm the deputy assistant editor

for the review section of a horror magazine called --

-Okay, so you're nobody got it. Why are you here?

-Because I followed Bob. -Why?

-Because he's dating my roommate.

-So you followed him to the middle of nowhere on

a Friday night?

-Say it like that, you make me sound like some kind of weirdo.

-Quarter.

Quarter!

-Yeah, no, I can't -- I can't hear him over the music.

-Duh.

-Time out. Who are these guys, huh?

What is this, some kind of support group

for serial killers?

You give me something to work with,

I'm freaking out over here, Carrie.

-Oh, my God. Fine, yes. Okay, sort of.

It's more like a business retreat.

-I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic.

-If I wanted to hit you, I would've hit you.

-Comforting. I'm totally gonna fucking die here.

-Joel, look at me.

Those four men in the next room,

those men are collectively responsible for 12%

of all the unsolved murders in North America.

Hideo, a high class chef specializing in two things --

upscale fusion cuisine and raw human flesh.

Part-time cannibal, full-time psycho monk nut job.

Mike, a rage monster with mommy issues,

fixates on college-aged victims.

Loves killing them mid-coitus.

He's sloppy, though, and it's not uncommon

for at least one woman to escape from one of these rampages.

Fritz, emotionless, barely human,

more like a lizard in a skin suit,

takes notes when he's interacting with people

so he can learn about human behavior.

He never does.

Also, he dresses up like a clown.

Why?

-He just likes clowns. -Of course he does.

-And finally, Bob Nice.

Maybe the most dangerous of the bunch.

He's a sociopathic, homicidal pickup artist

who kills his target somewhere between the first

and third date, IQ of 180.

The only one of them who knows how to blend

into polite society.

He's been a fake lawyer, fake dentist,

fake real estate agent,

changes identities like you changed shoes.

Guy's a chameleon.

-He stuck me with his bar tab. -Sounds about right.

-So what about Zachary?

-He's dead.

-Okay.

And you -- how do you know all of this?

-Trust me, you do not want to know.

-I kind of want to know. What's this? Is that a list?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Come on! Carrie, I could be dead any minute

and you're not gonna tell me anything about this list --

-Fine. I work for an organization, okay?

-An organization? That could mean anything.

-It's top secret. -Like the government?

Is it the government? -No.

I've already said too much. -It's a government organization.

-You said Bob is dating your roommate?

-Oh, my God, Sarah.

I have to save Sarah. We have to get out of here.

-Joel, listen to me.

I know things look bad, but when I'm done here,

Bob's not going hurt anybody ever again.

-I didn't spend the last 16 months

infiltrating that fucked up circle of trust

just to have it all go up in flames.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

-Why? I'm parched. I'm so hungover right now.

Oh, my God.

Who is that? -Phil.

-Oh, that's Phil.

What is going on? What is your plan here?

-Well, first, I'm going to have to kill you.

-Huh?

Son of a bitch!

Now Carrie! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my fucking...

You in there, buddy?

I bet you're right now, as you wish you were home at

54 Laughing Brooks Terrace, huh?

-My license. He has my license.

Fucking loser, roommate.

What a day. What a day.

-Oh, that doesn't look too good, Fritz.

-I think once I've killed you,

I'm going to ask Sarah

on another date.

And you know what, Joel?

This time,

she's going to go all...

the way.

Come on...

- Huh?

-God damn it.

-You wanna play it that way, huh?

Hello? Yes, 9-1-1? Oh, my God, it's horrible.

Please send somebody. I'm at 337 Cooper Road.

Yeah, I just pulled the fire alarm.

Oh, God. Oh, I think she's armed.

She's got a leather jacket, boots, a lesbian haircut.

Oh, and I think she has an accomplice.

Oh, my God, please. Send someone quick.

It's -- it's horrible. Oh! The blood.

Oh, the blood!

All right, we got about three minutes

till have to answer a fuck ton of questions.

Let's go, chop chop.

-Yeah, but what about Zachary?

He's in there half fucking dissolved.

-Ah, fuck it. It's their problem now.

-That was fucked.

-You're not making this easy, Joel.

Now we got to deal with three psychopaths and the cops.

Well, at least cops are easier to deal with

than serial killers,

relatively speaking.

Can I just see that?

Hey, I mean, if we're being honest,

you've got three down, three and a half

with the weird clown guy's hand and the host of all,

come on, that's pretty good for one night.

-I guess I'm just kind of a perfectionist.

-I mean, sure, but some things you got to let it go.

That's what my dad always says.

-Oh, like you and Sarah? You're gonna let that go?

-Let what go? Me and Sarah

have a perfectly good, you know,

there's nothing to let go between Sarah and I,

we're very -- we're good.

We have a healthy, you know,

relationship, friendship thing.

-Mm. -So.

-So what were you doing with this?

-Work, my work, I use it for work,

I...I'm -- I'm a writer, so I dictate my --

okay, maybe I was using it to record my conversation with Bob,

but that's because I thought he was married.

So I was protecting Sarah. So it's not weird.

You make it sound like it's weird. It's not weird.

-Okay, let's say none of this happened tonight.

Bob's just your average piece of shit.

You play the tape back for her, then what?

She suddenly wants to date you because you obviously

haven't demonstrated any creepy behavior whatsoever?

I'm just saying you might want to reexamine things.

And by reexamine things, I mean you.

You might want to reexamine you.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-I got it. -Mm-hmm.

- Let's do this, boys!

-Through that door. -Let's lock and load!

-Keep your eyes open. -Busting in. Come on.

-Hey, we're in here. We're here!

-Yeah. Freeze! -Get your hands up.

-Oh, God. I spilled my coffee. -Book 'em. Don't look at me.

-Well, well, well.

Look who's being sent to the principal's office.

Looks like Hideo came up short. Now that's disappointing.

And there he is, alive and talking.

-You mind telling me what the fuck is going on?

-Gentlemen,

we are about to have a lot of fun tonight.

-Nice. Can we get to it? -I need you to stop.

Okay, go ahead. -Go ahead?

-Yeah.

-Okay, so listen, this is ridiculous.

-Hold on. Shut the fuck up for a second.

Okay, sweetheart.

Name?

-Jane.

-Last name? -Doe.

-Can I just please get my phone call?

We can come right back to this,

if I could have my phone call, please.

-No, I just want to reiterate, this is what you said to me.

A group of serial killers attending a 12 step meeting

tried to kill me and my accomplice before disappearing,

leaving us with three dead bodies?

-Two dead bodies. The third one, Hideo,

we killed out of self-defense.

-Okay, so you confessed to killing a Hideo?

-Not me personally.

-Just hold that thought. -It was self-defense.

-I need you to hold that thought quietly.

So you're magazine writer? -Horror journalist.

-What did I say? -Magazine writer.

-Yeah, I'm going to keep it as a magazine writer.

She's an assassin whose mission it is to kill serial killers.

-Correct, for a secret organization.

-Okay, great, great. Let me just write...

Just one word, right? Bullshit.

-I can't imagine you'll take this seriously,

but we and potentially

you people are in a lot of danger right now.

-And why would that be?

-There are three men out there who want him dead.

And frankly, they're not real big fans of mine either.

- Look...

...even if what you're saying is true,

you happen to be in custody in a police station, hmm?

What do you think's going to happen?

-There are three of you.

two of you are armed with typewriters,

and your buddy over there has his nose buried

in a garbage magazine.

I'm just saying we're not exactly on lockdown here.

-Yeah, well, everybody else is picking through the mess

you and your sidekick there left at the Chinese restaurant, huh?

Listen, why don't you make things easier on yourself

and sing like your sweet little friend over there, huh?

-Yeah, he's definitely got his own style.

-Yeah, and he ended up being one of the serial killers, Bob.

-Right, right.

Bob, Bob, who also sells premium real estate,

which is actually sort of believable.

-Great. See, we're getting somewhere now.

Can I go make that phone call?

-Um, no, stop asking.

-I thought it was the law. -It is. But guess what?

You're on my time now and you're so full of shit

your eyes are brown.

Just relax that, Pippi Longstocking.

You're going to be there for a while.

-Jesse? Jesse!

-Hey, I'm not done with you even by a long shot.

Don't touch any of my stuff, okay?

-I will put one of these right in your suckhole

like a coiled snake, okay?

Smack in the face.

-The fire alarm was not a good idea.

-All right, boys, look, I think we have on our hands

here is a clear cut case of Bonnie...

And now Bonnie told me that people are coming here

to try and kill him and maybe us.

-What? Us? Why? -Just relax.

These two are nutty.

All right. We're just going to let them stew in a cage

until the boys are done with the crime scene tomorrow.

-Okie doke. Sounds good.

-And hey, let's keep an eye on her.

She scares the shit out of me.

-Agree, completely terrifying.

I feel like at any minute she could leap from that chair

and strangle any one of us. -Right.

Anyway, the horror journalist wants his phone call.

-The who, what? -A horror film journalist.

Like a reviewer of the horror movie genre,

you know, horror films!

Films are outside the mainstream genres like dramas,

comedies, action, musicals, sometimes the horror genre

can blend with other genres then you get subgenres.

And these are where you can sometimes find

some really interesting films that are shocking, surprising,

if I do say so myself, downright delightful.

-Tony, I need you to get out more.

Maybe try a contact sport.

-Yeah, yeah, I can do that. -Great.

-Contact sports, Tony.

-Don't touch me.

- Hello?

-Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, listen to me, okay,

listen very carefully.

-Jesus, Joel, what the hell happened to you?

- Yeah.

I was okay and I'm sorry. -You should be.

I was worried about you. Where are you?

-Yeah, I'm safe now, okay? I'm in jail. I'm safe.

-What do you mean you're in jail?

-It's a long story, okay? Don't worry about it.

I had to pretend to be a serial killer

so the serial killers wouldn't kill me

and then they killed each other --

-What? -Just listen.

-What the hell? Okay, you know what?

where are you?

-I'm at the Appleton County Jail.

-Okay, I'm coming to get you. -No, no, no, Sarah.

Do not come and get me.

Listen, this is why I'm calling.

Listen very carefully.

You cannot leave the house, okay?

No matter who comes to the door, don't let them in.

If someone calls you like Bob, don't answer, okay?

He's a dangerous man.

-Jesus, Joel.

My love life is none of your business.

Wait, how do you even know his name?

-Because he's a murderer, okay, he will fucking tell you.

Do you understand me, Sarah? -All right, then, I'm leaving.

-No, no. Sarah?

Hey, have I told you how nice of a mustache you have?

If I could grow one, I would grow in just like yours.

I'm just going to make a real quick --

-Ooh, no. Can't do that. It's called one phone call.

You get one phone call. Just one phone call.

Thank you.

Pop him in cage one, Matt? -Yeah. Then come back for her.

-Okie doke. Come on, bud. -Please, please.

If you could just -- please, just let me.

I swear -- -Come on back.

-All right.

- Did you talk, you fucking fuck?

-Son of a bitch.

Hey, settle, easy.

Yeah, baby!

Yeah!

I almost shot you!

-Come on.

Hands.

Oh, golly, she really nailed you.

Hey?

-You okay?

Needed a distraction.

-Oh.

Distraction. Yeah, I knew that.

I'm fine.

I mean, maybe in the future, if you just want to warn me

about your plans prior

so I can be ready.

Maybe we could fake it. I don't know.

It just kind of harts.

You know, I tried to warn Sarah about Bob,

but she didn't even believe me.

-Yeah, she just thinks you're being a jealous weirdo,

which you kind of are, I guess.

Here's a tip. You ready?

You can't force a person to feel something

or trick them into loving you.

You're not entitled to that.

Okay, so now you feel stupid. It's a good first step.

You just got to up your game a bit,

get your head out of your ass.

If you can face down a fucking knife wielding cannibal,

you can do anything.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I did face him down, kind of.

Threw intestines out him.

That means it's something

I almost got out of that circle, too.

I mean, I had you fooled.

So, who's Mr. Midnite?

-When I was a kid, he killed somebody close to me.

Turned my life into a living hell.

Cops never found him.

By now, he's probably dead or somebody I already killed,

or I don't know, maybe he's still out there.

The name was just something I made up.

I thought it sounded deep.

-So, was that like how you became who you are?

-That and the organization.

-Right, the organization.

What was the name of that organization again?

You told me earlier.

No.

-Oh, hey there.

How can I help you?

-Special Agent Jack Felder

looking for a couple murder suspects.

-Figure people like this would be on some kind of list.

-Yeah, that's why I'm here.

They've been on the bureau's list for quite some time.

-Hey, that's him! That's him!

Arrest him, shoot him, kill him! That's him!

The real estate guy we talked about,

the guy that's dating my roommate. That's him

-Oh, drop the act.

You have a lot to answer for, Buddy,

but when I'm done here,

I'm gonna go see your roommate

and she's gonna give me everything I need

to wrap...things...up.

-Oh, come on. I feel like you can hear

what he's saying to me right now.

Can you -- -I can hear what he's saying

to you, and everything is perfect.

You're absolutely right, Special Agent Felder.

-Come on. That's a fake mustache.

-You don't insult a man's mustache!

You don't insult a man's mustache!

I am gonna murder your face!

You don't insult a man's mustache!

Give me my gun. Give me --

Just one. -You see what I mean?

He's psychotic, delusional, a sexual deviant.

-No. -A real sociopath.

You two are lucky he didn't kamikaze you out in the hallway.

-I can't believe a guy was such a charming smile

be able to kill those people like that.

- Well, it's this one I'm really worried about.

She's unpredictable,

unstable.

Hmm?

To tell you the God's honest truth,

I'm not 100 percent sure who she really is

or why these two are working together,

but what I do know is that she's extremely dangerous.

But they're safely under lock and key, right, boys?

Is there a place where we can go and talk the details, you know,

away from these two maniacs?

-Cap's office. -Yeah.

-Meet you there. -No, don't leave.

Don't -- don't leave. Don't trust him.

-I will -- I'm that close.

You got your time.

-I a rock hard right now.

Mm-hmm.

See you later.

-Hey, keep picking the lock so we can get out of here.

-Alright, Jack, here's the evidence you asked for.

Did you listen to that?

-No, no, no, no.

he did not want to give it to us,

so, yeah, I'm excited to listen to it.

Got to be something juicy on here.

-Well, let's give a little listen, shall we?

-Hm.

-...the city lights.

Rain falls like drops of poison.

Windshield wiper slash like deadly knives

on the corner -- -Oh.

-That's fucking terrible.

-What was he trying to establish?

Jesus Christ.

- Awful

-Here you are, detective.

So, what else do we have in here, huh?

-Oh, just knives, and it's a pretty grim box.

I've got to tell you, a murderous pawnshop.

-Yeah, a little black book.

Took that off Jane Doe.

-Hm.

Gentlemen.

Things are much worse than I expected.

-Hello?

Cool.

Sorry, Mr. Policeman

- Oh, jeez.

Alright, okay.

-Goddamn it, Tony!

- Let's see if Tony needs a hand.

He probably blew a circuit with that goddamn

popcorn maker in the evidence locker again.

-Yeah. -Jesus Christ.

You know what? I'm taking this.

Don't want you fellas finishing this

before I get back here.

-Well, you put your fears to bed there, Jesse,

because the only way you are not finishing that bottle

with us tonight is if you drop dead.

-Hope not.

I'm the only thing my stepdaughter Sharon

has in the world.

I'mma check on Tony.

-I'm making a move.

-Oh, shit.

- Nice!

I mean, nice.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Come on

-Tony?

Tony?

Tony, goddamn it.

Tony!

This freaking bullshit.

Tony!

You're unbelievable. Fine, I'll do it myself.

Tony?

Shit.

Ah, shit.

Fucking Tony.

There we go.

What the fuck?

No.

-Was that regulation rain jacket?

- Glass thuds.

-Try it on. -Yeah?

-I'm sure the cap won't mind.

-Alright.

-Ooh. -Ha.

-It's nice, right? -Feels good.

Feels real good.

And it's waterproof? -Like a duck's ass.

-Ha. -Perfect fit.

Yeah.

Hmm.

That's right.

Like a duck's ass.

Jesus Christ!

Do not sneak up on people like that.

-Did I scare you?

-This is serious.

Where is Mike? We need to wrap things up.

You two need to cool it.

Let's go.

Well, for fuck's sake.

-Bob, they're not here.

-Yes, keen observation, Michael.

Hold this. Thank you.

I did find out some very interesting news

about our good friend Carrie.

-What?

What?

Come on, we're free.

Hey.

-What? Did I beat you too hard? Get out of here.

-Are you coming with me? -No, I got a job to do.

Beat it. -You said you'd help me

save Sarah. I can't do that.

-Look, none of this would be happening if it weren't for you.

If you stay here, you'll just screw things up.

-But I thought -- -Jesus, take a fucking hint.

I...don't...need you.

-Stupid mannequin.

-No!

She's fine.

She doesn't need you. She said it herself.

Damn it, Carrie.

-Hello?

-Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Nose! Knee!

Head!

Sarah!

-Oh, holy sh--

All those classes are really working.

-Joel, what this place? What is happening here?

-I can explain everything. There's --

Oh. Oh, my God.

Yeah!

-She kind of does that.

-I'm guessing you're Sarah. -Yes.

-You mind just waiting outside for a minute?

-Yeah, sure. Yeah. -That's good, yeah.

Okay? -Okay, okay.

Sure.

- You came back.

-Well, I mean, I was in the area.

-Can you just hold that thought?

You were saying?

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, watch out!

Carrie.

-No.

No.

No!

Fuck!

Son of a --

Hey, douchebag. Here's your one phone call.

Come on.

Let's go. You can do it.

Sarah, start the car!

-Joel?

-Joel, what is going on? -No, don't get out!

Start it! We're safe now, okay?

Start the fucking car!

-Oh, my God is that real. What do you think?!

Get in the car! Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay.

-Oh, my God. Is she dying?

-Just got to get her to the hospital.

Ah, fuck!

-Oh, my God. Is that Bob?

- Just go!

-We need a doctor!

I want -- I want the drugs.

Give me all the drugs.

Anything you got, just put it in me.

-Okay, here we go.

-Oh, Jesus Christ. What happened here?

-I fell down some stairs.

-Okay. -Okay.

Oh, oh, is this going to hurt as much as that did?

-Yes. -Okay. Wait.

Maybe we can cho-- -Shh, shh.

God, fuck!

Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be striking you.

You're just doing your job. I hate you! I don't hate you.

Actually, it's not so bad.

Oh, fuck!

-Okay. Ah, so just tell me why we can't call the police again.

-Just because. Trust me, Sarah.

-Joel, that just sounds insane.

-I know, but it's true.

And I mean, Carrie, she's the only reason I'm even alive.

-So, is she your girlfriend?

-What? No.

Carrie? No.

She's just like...

this badass friend.

Stop. She's a friend just like you, okay?

-Yeah, well, you're definitely a good friend.

I mean, you did save me from dating a serial killer, so...

-So, your friend is going to be okay.

Those are a very serious injuries.

She lost a lot of blood and she's pretty weak,

but she's tough, yeah.

Must be the eyeliner.

Anyway, we contacted the precinct about your attack,

but the phone lines seem to be down.

So, anyway, try not to worry about her, okay?

She's going to be okay. She is in good hands.

Oh, that's --

Alright, okay.

-Oh my God.

Hey!

Oh, no you don't!

-I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.

-Jesus.

- Good luck.

-Hey, I didn't --

I didn't even gag.

Oh, hey, hey, are you okay?

-Yeah.

I was mulling things over, doing post op,

and I've come to the conclusion that I could use an intern.

-We've got to get out of here. Come on, help me up.

- Right, yeah.

-Okay.

Wha-- Son of a bitch.

It was a good idea.

Hello?

Ah, great.

I'll get a double chili dog, thank you.

Oh, pack of Jubjubs, some licorice whips, large Coke

and I got one of these popcorn.

If you can just put a bunch of the liquid buttery stuff

all over the popcorn, both in the middle and the top.

-Yeah, sorry, we're actually closed for the season.

-Oh.

What are you doing here?

-Just restocking the shelves.

-On the off season?

-Got to keep busy.

-Okay, gotcha. I'm just gonna use the can quick,

and I'll be out of your hair. -It's out of order.

-Oh, nonsense. Just number one. I'll be super quick.

-Hey, did you hear me?

I said it was out of order.

-Grab some snacks. I'll help her out with that.

-Copy that.

Whoo! Let's roll.

-You forgot something?

-No, cotton candy, pretzels, Jubjubs, popcorn.

What more can you want?

Right. Yup. Getting it, getting it.

Sorry about that.

-Clock's ticking.

Oh, nice.

Who could I play.

Oh.

Got it.

Sorry. -You didn't puke.

-No, I didn't. -You gag?

-Yeah, I gagged.

-Your meter's broken...

Bitch.

-Well, Maggie, can you send in some writers?

I got an idea.

Cab drivers.

Yeah, I'm gonna call it "Taxi Cab Driller."

Yeah, I know.

Oh, yeah. It's fucking genius, isn't it?

I'm back. I'm back, baby. I'm back.

What a dick.