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-Come on. -[woman on phone] Central Security Agency.

This is Wallace. Operation Big Drip is cresting level two.

I need Devlin. I need him now.

-Hold, please. -Don't put me on hold!

Mother--

[grunting]

[woman] Hello, Agent Wallace. I need your nine-digit security code, please.

Hello? Agent Wallace?

-Agent Wallace? -[phone beeps]

Agua la vista, baby.

[inaudible]

[Jimmy] Hello, my name's Jimmy Tong.

And I was wondering if there's anything I could say

that would convince you to have lunch with me?

[man in high-pitched voice] Oh, Jimmy, you're so cute.

Let's go back to your apartment and mate like donkey.

-[Jimmy] You got me nervous again. -[in normal voice] It's just a salesgirl.

To you. But to me...

I dreamed of her before I ever saw her.

-Now, that there! That-- -Shh.

That is the line. Go tell her that. That line.

Listen.

Hi, my name is Jimmy Tong.

When I see you, I have a wet dream.

-Is that what I say? -No, no.

Just ask her out to lunch now, and later we'll work out that line.

But hurry up, man. We're wasting time. Come on. We have to drive.

Whatever you do, do not be yourself!

Just joking.

[sighs]

[woman] Thank you so much.

[man] You're welcome. Goodbye.

I can do it.

Hi. My name is Jimmy Tong.

Okay. [exhales]

-Hi. -Hi.

Pretty colors.

Will you excuse me for just one moment?

Okay.

[sighs]

Ah.

Just between us guys...

you don't come around here for the art, do you?

-Who would? -[chuckles] Yeah.

Uh, let me, as owner of this gallery,

give you a little bit of friendly advice.

Don't waste any time.

You go over there and you ask Jennifer out.

-You think so? -Yes.

That way, she can say "no" and we can get on with our little lives.

Thank you for your advice.

Hello. My name is Jimmy Tong.

What can I say to convince you to have lunch with me?

[romantic music playing]

-[groans] -[music stops]

Oh!

I'm sorry. Are you hurt?

[grunting]

[screams]

Come here, you little runt!

Hi. Hello.

[horn honking]

[man] Get back here! Come here!

Where'd you go? Where are you?

Sauerkraut or "sour-crop"? Sauerkraut?

-[shrieking] -Ow!

Hey, wait, partner!

I just washed that car! What the hell is wrong with you, boy?

You want I jam this in your ass and break it?

You want to go, come down here!

-Wait, not too fast! Not too fast! -[tire iron clangs]

I just want to talk. Hey, you do that there, man. You do that.

Oh! You're scared now? [clucking]

Go ahead and get yourself some training wheels!

Go get a tattoo of a chicken! Go!

I thought all your people know karate.

Not everybody Chinese is Bruce Lee.

-Just calm yourself, Jimmy. Calm yourself. -It's just not my day.

Whoo! Wow.

Do you think you can get me to 70 Fleming Street?

Of course. Wait a second.

-You Jimmy Tong? -That's who I am. Who are you?

The name is Steena. So how come you drive so fast?

[Jimmy] More fares.

Mmm. Is that why you had your license suspended nine times for speeding?

But no accidents.

-Do you remember where I'm going? -70 Fleming.

Get me there before I finish putting on my makeup, and I'll double the meter.

You serious?

Do I look like I have a sense of humor?

Okay!

Hurry! Open the gate!

[in Mandarin]

You drive too fast!

> I got mad skills, I will get wild [ got mad skills, I will get wild ♪

> I will get wild, I will get wild ♪

> I got mad skills, I will get wild [ got mad skills, I will get wild ♪

> I got mad skills, I will get wild [ will get wild, I will get wild ♪

[siren wailing]

I got mascara and eyeliner left. You got five blocks.

[horns honking]

Don't tell me you're slowing down.

You drive like an old woman.

Hmm!

You're not scared, are you?

[horns honking]

[tires squealing]

> I got mad skills, I will get wild [ got mad skills, I will get wild ♪

> I will get wild, I will get wild ♪

[blows whistle] Hey, you! What do you think you're doing?

Back off, buddy. She's mine.

Oh, it's you, miss.

Well, you lived up to your reputation. The job is yours.

I have a job. A good one.

How much do you make at this good job?

475 a week, plus tips.

How would you like to make 2,000 a week, plus room and board?

-When do I show up? -Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m.

-You'll be driving Clark Devlin, Mr. Tong. -[doorman] Good day, miss.

Now you, out of here!

[Steena] Good morning, Mr. Tong.

[Jimmy] You put your face on without me, huh?

Please, have a seat.

Those are the house rules. Memorize them.

Especially number one.

[Jimmy] "Never talk directly to Mr. Devlin."

You have any questions, you'll find all the answers in there.

And if I were you, I'd get rid of the mildew on the chin.

-My soul patch? -[scoffs] Yeah.

[Jimmy] You like working for this Devlin guy?

I don't work for him.

[door shuts]

I'm not a professional driver,

but I'd always believed that thing you're staring into

is designed for the monitoring of traffic, not passengers.

Am I wrong?

While I'm really enjoying our time together,

shall we try moving?

Wallace has been my partner for years.

Something's happened to him. He wouldn't just disappear.

-Get your job done and find my partner. -[man] So, tell me how.

You're the head of an intelligence agency. Why don't you be intelligent?

[ Don't understand what you're talking about.

Why don't you call me back when you do understand what I'm talking about?

[sighs]

[upbeat pop music playing on stereo]

Did we just take the Balsam Road exit?

Of course. You have to take the surface streets.

-Sorry. -Did you get a copy of the rules?

Did you read them?

Jimmy, let me tell you something, my friend.

I hate the rules.

Take Grand Boulevard all the way. The lights are timed.

Thank you.

[speaking Mandarin]

-And, Jimmy, crank the music up. -Yes, sir.

[music continues, louder]

Deputy Director Chalmers, ladies, gentlemen,

I present to you Special Agent Wallace.

Deceased two days, 14 hours, five minutes, approximately.

Pretty interesting. Why don't you tell me a little about it?

Well, in the simplest terms, he drowned in his bathtub.

Contusion here suggests he hit his head, fell prone, unconscious.

The man infiltrated a Serbian death squad with not even a scratch.

[laughs] He goes down in a bathtub?

Life's a bitch. You want to put him back in the fridge?

[woman] He didn't drown, sir.

He was murdered.

Does that make life a little less bitchy?

And you would be?

That's Del Blaine, sir.

She's having a filter installed between her brain and mouth next week.

So, you don't think he drowned?

Well, sir, there was water in his lungs.

But the pulmonary vein was filled with collapsed platelets,

indicative of dehydration.

-He died of thirst. -Thirst?

And it wasn't just city tap water.

The mineral profile fit a high-end bottled water.

But what was weird is it contained a strain of bacteria

that I, so far, haven't been able to culture.

Anyway, didn't mean to interrupt.

Ooh, the woman seems to know a lot about water.

Yeah. She thinks she knows a lot about a lot of things.

You know, we have a special situation in the field.

I think we could use your talents. You interested?

-When do I start? -You ever hear of Clark Devil in?

Rumors and innuendo.

Del, I could tell you a thing or two about Clark Devlin.

[Chalmers] You think we can keep our minds out of the gutter for about a second?

Meet me upstairs in an hour.

You might just become Clark Devlin's next partner.

[Devlin] I'm gonna need that Gerris margin at us as soon as possible.

[woman] Yes. My contacts in Guatemala have what you're looking for, I'm sure.

Good.

And meanwhile...

I'll take one of these beautiful Eudicella margin at us.

Just gorgeous.

-Now, you're going to call me? -Is your phone number on file?

[Devlin] Having a bit of trouble with the phones at the moment.

It might be better if you dropped it off yourself.

It may take a while.

Why don't you familiarize yourself with the route?

There's a little gathering at my house tonight.

A fundraiser for the Natural History Museum.

I would so love to have you.

[mouthing words]

Should I send a car?

I drive myself.

Admirable.

Eight o'clock.

Try not to wear anything too distracting or no one will get their checkbooks out.

-How did you learn to be so smooth? -I've seen the way you drive.

You have the same instincts I do. It's all about confidence.

The girl in the art gallery is not beyond you, you know.

You know about her?

Every time we leave the house, we go by the art gallery and slow down.

You just need a little polish.

-I'll never be a Clark Devlin. -Don't tell anyone this, Jimmy,

but there's a lot less to Clark Devlin than meets the eye.

I got a couple of good lines and a couple of very expensive suits.

-Apart from that, we're exactly the same. -How about a couple hundred million?

Trust me, 90% of it is the clothes.

The other 10%?

The other 10% is in there. You've got plenty of it.

Oh, Mr. Devlin,

-can I ask you a big favor? -Yeah?

Can I stop wearing my hat?

-All right. -Thank you.

No, stay smooth. Remember, smooth.

Thank you.

Steena, Devlin.

This driver, this Jimmy, I like him.

Let's get him a proper suit.

Something sexy. You pick it out.

All right. Always a delight talking to you too, darling.

-Home, James. -Absolutely, Mr. Devlin.

[tango music playing]

[music stops]

Oh!

[grunts]

-Watch your step. -Thank you, sir.

[humming]

[sighs] That's definitely not a rental.

Hello, my name's Clark Devlin.

Would you like to dance?

Would you like to dance? [chuckles]

Admirable.

-There is just one rule. -[gasps]

Never touch my tuxedo.

- I didn't. -Good.

-Don't. -Yes, sir.

Jimmy, get the car. Let's go for dinner.

Yes, sir.

-What will you have? It's my treat. -Anything.

All right. Two Whoppers, hold the onion, extra ketchup.

Toast the bottom bun only, medium well-done.

Two large fries, extra well-done.

Two chocolate milkshakes, however the chef likes. That's it.

[woman on speaker] Your orders ready. Pull forward.

-That's pretty quick. -It's fast food. Anything else?

I'll have a personal pizza. Crispy crust.

He doesn't eat out much. They don't serve pizza at Burger...

New item, huh? Do you have chicken chow mein?

Thank you.

-Jimmy. -Yes?

It's a drive-through. Let's drive.

Watch out!

[tires screech]

[beeping]

Watch it, man.

Sorry, pal.

Let's go.

Why are we running away from a skateboard?

I think it's probably a bomb.

[laughs] I thought you said, "a bomb."

What do you mean, "a bomb"?

[horns honking]

[horns honking]

[tires squealing]

[honking]

[tires screech]

Not good. Out!

Move!

[beeping]

[bomb powering up]

Jimmy, you okay?

I'm fine. You okay, boss?

Yeah.

Yeah.

-All in a day's work, eh? -Look!

Oh, damn.

-Oh! Mr. Devlin! -Have you got any aspirin?

-Who did this to you? -Water strider.

Walter Strider? He's the one?

Water strider.

Walter Strider.

-No police. -Okay.

I need an ambulance right now! His name is...

Trust nobody.

Uh, his name is...

Brad Dillford.

Wear it.

Wear it?

Boss! Boss!

[sirens wailing]

Hold on, boss. You'll be fine.

I'll take care of you.

Water strider...

-Huh? -[nurse] Sir!

Please wait in the waiting room!

- I will find Walter Strider! -Hey! Hey!

I'm sorry.

I promise.

[man] Why do you want my mother's maiden name for?

Last time she was in here, I was born.

I'm sure my dad had something to do with it. At least I hope so!

[woman] Dr. Angela?

Where is Dr. Angelo?

Dr. Angelo. Are you Dr. Angela?

Dr. Angela? Dr. Angela...

Hey! There's no smoking in a hospital.

-I was nervous. How is he? -He might be here a while.

You might want to get him some things from home in case he comes to.

Oh, he had this clutched in his hand. I don't know if it means anything.

I do need Dr. Angelo.

-Dr. Angelo? -Dr. Angelo is on holiday today.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

[seagulls squawking]

[man] I'll tell you, I'm pretty excited. Nervous, but excited. I'm pumped.

I knew I was doing good work for Banning International,

but I didn't know Mr. Banning would be taking so much notice of me so soon.

I'll say this, though, when I'm CEO of this place,

I won't be having my headquarters in the bottom of a boat.

You know what I mean?

-Why did you choose Mr. Lundeen? -He questioned my growth projections.

[elevator clanging, whirring]

No, that's not it.

I don't like his hair.

[Lundeen] Mr. Banning.

So, word filtered down to me

that you don't share my optimism about our company's future.

-Oh. No, actually, I just-- -Drink?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I just felt that to meet your projections,

pretty much every person on earth would have to drink only Banning Springs water.

Yes, indeed.

Water, Mr. Lundeen, comprises 60% of your body.

Don't you find it incredible that two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom

can combine to create something so beautiful, so useful, so essential?

I find water to be...

miraculous.

Do you think I'm silly?

Not at all. [clears throat]

-Feeling thirsty? -Yes.

You're helping me out by being a guinea pig for a new product.

Oh, I see. What a brilliant idea.

Water that makes you thirsty.

What's in it? Salt?

[heart thumping]

There's no profundity in salt.

[laughs] Bacteria.

Once ingested, its DNA will instruct your cells' cytoplasm

to spill electrolytes into your bloodstream,

causing dehydration.

[groaning]

It's virulent, but unfortunately, it's too fast. Way too fast.

As we speak, your internal organs are shriveling.

You're becoming as dry as--

Well, as dry as your limited imagination.

Gentlemen, fetch the vacuum, won't you?

Thank you.

"Schiffer, Schwartzkopf, Sondheim, Springsteen..."

No Strider.

[beeps]

Wow.

[beeps]

[computerized male voice] Welcome to the Tactical Uniform Experiment.

Tuxedo recognizing new user.

Mapping user's neurological structure.

Activate wristwatch for desired function.

Demo. Show me.

-Uh-oh. -Caution. Demolition mode.

The tuxedo will consider any object a target and act to destroy it.

[gasps]

What's happening?

Exit the Demolition Mode immediately.

Whoa!

['Disco Inferno” playing]

♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

- ♪ Disco inferno ♪ - ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

♪ Burn the mother down ♪

♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

[whimpering]

[man on intercom] Mr. Devlin, is everything all right?

This is Jimmy. I think Mr. Devlin wants you to clean his room tomorrow.

It's a little bit messy. I think he threw a party.

Should I send someone up now?

-No. Maybe after he leaves. -Very good.

[phone ringing]

Aaah!

-Hello. -Are we on?

Are we on what?

I take my work seriously, Mr. Devlin, so please stop using that ridiculous accent.

What? What accent?

All right, you're the senior officer. I'll play it however you want.

Diedrich Banning is holding a meeting with water CEOs.

The agency wants us to find out what he's planning.

What about Walter Strider?

Who is he?

- I don't know. You tell me. -Okay.

So, we will meet tomorrow, V-15, 10:00. I'll be wearing a gray suit.

Your code is "Nice rack."

I'll respond, "I forgot my bra."

That passes for humor around here.

[Jimmy] Ten o'clock, V-15.

What's the cross street?

Very funny.

-[clears throat] May I join you? -Yeah.

Nice rack.

[punch landing]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Mr. Devlin, there's been a change of plans.

I'm here already. Where are you?

Don't get all pissy about it. They just told me, so I'm telling you.

We'll meet tonight, 8:00, Pier 17, base of the silo.

And forget the password.

[speaking indistinctly]

-Now you tell me. -Hey, there he is!

-That's him in the raincoat. -I have to go.

-I'll see you tonight! Sorry. -[woman] Get him!

-[officer] Stop, stop! -[woman] Get back here, you creep!

[exhales]

So, we've got five minutes to get into position.

I secured the rooftop. The equipment is good to go.

And I just have to say, it's such an honor to be working with the legendary...

Clark Devlin?

I'm Del Blaine.

Have we met before?

-No. -Good.

Okay, Del Blaine, let's do what we came here to do.

I'll follow you.

Ladies first.

Okay.

A couple details changed from what was in the file. You read it?

The files are crap. Give me the short version.

Diedrich Banning is holding a meeting of international water company CEOs.

We think he's trying to force them into selling their companies to him.

-Where are you going? -Huh? I'm thinking.

We had Agent Wallace working undercover in his bottled water factory--

That is, until last week.

Wallace calls on his cell phone to tell us the operation had reached critical mass,

and suddenly, wham, dead.

As you requested, a Klineholtz bolt-action nine-millimeter,

titanium folding stock with 20-time infrared sniper scope

and counter-weighted micro-rifle barrel.

My favorite gun. But I don't kill people anymore.

Killing? You're planting a bug.

It was all in that "crap" file.

Go look through your binoculars.

[beeping]

They're arriving. Ready?

It's critical we get a listening device in Banning's meeting.

-[beeping] -Range, 962 feet.

Aim for the briefcase.

Should be a piece of cake for you, sir.

-[man screaming] -[ship horn blowing]

You kind of missed.

[beeping]

In the year 2001,

$35 billion worth of bottled water was consumed worldwide.

Today, bottled water costs more per gallon than gasoline.

We, my friends, are the new oil barons.

We at Banning Springs have developed a new filtration process

that would protect your assets against the biological holocaust that's coming.

-Looks like we got company. -C.S.A. would be my bet.

You've heard what I have to say. Now I'd like to hear you.

How much is this plan going to cost us?

It won't cost you a penny out of pocket.

All I ask is to become your slightly-more-than-equal partner.

[Del] Banning says he's got the only process to make their water safe.

But to use it, they've got to give him half of their companies?

He's trying to muscle these guys into selling their companies to him.

Banning says that their water sources are in danger.

Something about everyone being defenseless against more deadly forms of bacteria.

I can barely make out what he's saying. Do you want to listen to this?

-What do you think that means, sir? -Del Blaine!

[Del] Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

Yeah, I'd really like some help up here, sir.

-Del Blaine! -[Del] Do you hear me, sir?

I know this isn't as exciting as most of your missions,

but could you humor me with just a little professionalism?

I'd really love some help--

What are you doing?

What's with the jumpy-jumpy?

-Take off your headphones! -What?

Your headphones!

Okay. Chapter six of the training manual.

Unarmed assailant, frontal attack.

Begin! Stomach, head, stomach, head!

-[snarls] -[whimpers]

God! What's my name? Yeah!

You okay? [groans]

Oh! Where the hell have you been?

-Stop pushing! -My hand!

Aaah!

[squealing]

Yeah! Not bad!

Sir! Sir! Are you okay, sir?

Don't let go!

[screams]

[Del] You're-- You're ripping my sleeve!

[screams]

No, no! No, not my ring!

-Aaah! -Sir!

My ring.

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

This was not part of the plan.

Del Blaine!

Del--

Confidence.

Del--

[mouthing words]

Nice, moron!

Not in the manual!

Ugh! Creep!

[tires squealing]

Del Blaine, stop!

[shrieks] Get off of me!

Why didn't you stop?

What the hell is wrong with you?

How do you fall off a building and end up...

-You okay? -[exhaling sharply]

[both exhaling sharply]

Would you stop that?

-[Jimmy] It's okay. -I am in the car with a psychopath!

We are not safe.

-Are you upset? -Why would I be upset?

I always wanted to begin and end my career with a big, fat failure!

Thank you very much, Mr. Devlin.

It's my first time.

I mean, every mission is like my first time.

It's so difficult being Clark Devlin.

Oh.

Sorry.

[screams]

-Ah! -[coughing]

-I didn't do that! -What is wrong with you?

-I'm not who you think I am. -Stay away!

I'm over-amped myself right now. Let's call it a day.

Get some rest and medication.

-What? -We'll be in communication.

Oh.

I don't have your phone number!

[tires squealing]

[Del] Who am I kidding?

I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.

[Steena] I felt the same way when I took my first field assignment.

Then I met Clark Devlin and life just got a whole lot better.

And a little more complicated.

-[man 1] Can we get a close-- -[man 2] How do we pan down?

[man 1] Yeah, just hit the second button there.

[Del] Everybody warned me he was unorthodox,

but he's way irrational, bordering on nutso.

[man 1] And we'll just get... That's it.

-[man 2] There you are. -[man 1] That's it there.

-[man 2] Look at that. -[man 1] Move it over just a bit.

He's getting under your skin, isn't he?

He got under my skin once, and I'm still feeling it.

Yeah. You told me.

What about his English?

I can never understand half of what he says. But don't you love his accent?

-She can't hear anything, can she? -I don't think so. Whoa!

God, I wish I was still back in the field.

-[gun cocks] -[exhales]

How do you like me now?

She's got issues, man.

-[man 2] Oh-- Can your girlfriend shoot-- -[man 1] A groin out of a target?

Let's go. Let's get our nails done.

Okay.

[Steena] Have a nice day, boys.

They ran out of "Get Well Soon."

You said to wear this, but I don't know.

Being Clark Devlin is not easy.

[phone ringing]

[line ringing]

Hello.

[Del] So, Mr. Devlin, how are you feeling today?

Not so good, I'm afraid.

Well, you've got a few hours to pull yourself together.

What do you mean?

After the fiasco with planting the bug, I'd say we have only one choice.

Level one surveillance.

-In other words? -Infiltration.

Banning is gonna be at the Landford Hotel tonight entertaining three new partners.

Chalmers has agreed to get us at the next table.

Is this a black-tie event?

No, but I'm sure you'll wear whatever you want.

-Maybe we can find Walter Strider. -Meet you there at 8:00.

-[Devlin groans] Water... -What?

-Water strider... -Mr. Clark Devlin?

-What are you doing? -What?

-Huh? Uh, he needs help. -Security! Security!

["At Last" playing]

♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

♪ My lonely days are over ♪

-[Jimmy] Del Blaine. -Hey.

I know how partial you are to that monkey suit of yours, so I got gussied up.

Good job. You gussy very well.

Ooh, and here's a little something for you.

Oh.

Thank you. Sorry, I don't have anything for you.

-It's a video camera. -Shh. Act normal.

-We don't want everybody to know. -Sorry.

-Ah, good evening. -Good evening.

-Name, please. -Name?

Um...

Lincoln.

[both chuckle]

Washington.

Washington.

You're a billionaire and you try to grease the guy with seven bucks?

You think I have money to throw away?

-You on the list? -Perfect.

-Let me talk to him. -No. We'll do this my way.

I've got a T-135 disorientation module. You just stand there.

Hi. Could you hold this for me? Thanks.

Now, where did I put those tickets?

-Hey, Snowman. -What's happening?

What's happening, Snowman?

-What's happening, Snowman? -Hey, hey.

Oh, hey!

I can't believe it. James Brown.

The Godfather of Soul.

-Hello, Mr. Brown. -[Brown] What's happening?

Forgive us for bothering you. We came to see your show and--

-She forgot to make reservations. -Don't worry about it.

I can get tickets for the front row for you.

Oh! Thank you very much, Mr. Brown.

See? Things worked out.

[Brown] There's one more thing I'd like to say.

It's not the in thing today to give compliments to a young lady,

but I just gotta let you know that

you got a nice rack.

Oh! Thank you, Mr. Brown.

Enjoy the show.

Whoa! [groans]

-[gasps] -What is wrong with you?

He fell down by himself!

You killed James Brown.

No, he's fine.

He's not fine. And Banning is gonna leave.

Don't panic.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -[Del] Are you praying?

Miss Cleo told me this would happen.

4 .99-a-minute Miss Cleo?

Just go out and tell them Mr. Brown is not here.

There will be another act.

Nice to meet you.

[emcee] And right about now,

it is style time!

If you will, ladies and gentlemen,

introducing the hardest-working man in show business,

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dynamite,

-James Brown! -[crowd cheering]

-Uh, ladies and gentlemen... -[man] What's going on?

...Mr. James Brown will not be appearing tonight

-due to unforeseen circumstances. -[crowd groaning]

But stay where you are because the Landford Hotel is proud to present

the Last Emperor of Soul.

And, well, here he is!

[crowd groaning, laughing]

Hi.

Hi, everybody. Good evening.

[laughs]

How are you tonight?

[man] Go home!

[booing]

[Jimmy] Who wants to get funky tonight?

Go ahead and make it funky.

Yeah!

['Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine" playing]

- ♪ Getup ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Get on up yall ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Get on up ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Stay on the scene ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Like a sex machine ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Get on up ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Stay on the scene ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

- ♪ Like a sex machine ♪ - ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Wait a minute, shake your arm ♪

♪ Then use your form ♪

♪ Stay on the scene, like a sex machine ♪

♪ You got to have the feelin' Sure as you're born ♪

♪ Get it together Right on, right on ♪

-♪ Right on, right on ♪ -♪ Right on, right on ♪

-♪ Right on, right on ♪ -♪ Right on, right on ♪

-♪ Right on, right on ♪ -♪ Right on, right on ♪

-♪ Right on, right on ♪ -♪ Right on, right on ♪

[crowd gasps]

[woman squeals]

[screams]

[exclaiming]

Ooh!

[muffled music, cheering]

Good God!

-Looks like you had fun up there. -Ugh.

I was blending. That's what agents do. Would you please stop?

I'd like to get to Banning's table before morning.

Whoa! Hey, slut, thanks!

I hate celebrities who brush off their fans.

Banning's girlfriend has been drinking. She might be able to tell--

-Clark! -Yes?

Stop. Get on the scene, sex machine.

Hi.

-Hi. Good evening. -Hello.

Well, we're all vaguely honored you could join us, I suppose.

Singing is my favorite type of music.

Admirable.

Regrettably, this is my vacuous fiancée.

I think her name is Cheryl something.

Charmed. I could look at you all day.

You ever dance unprofessionally,

Emperor?

Let's see what I can do.

-[Cheryl giggles] -[Jimmy] Oh. Excuse us.

Of course.

[Latin music playing]

Do you know how to mambo?

I hope so.

Whoo! [laughing]

[seductive jazz music plays]

Hmm. '92 Dasani.

Gentle bouquet with a hint of vinyl polychloride.

Earthy, yet ethereal.

Cheers.

Oops.

I spilled.

[Jimmy] You and Banning seem very close. Tell me about his work.

I don't want to talk about him.

I want to talk about you. Such a handsome devil.

So are you.

[Banning] When I can't sleep at night, which is quite often,

I step into my laboratory and I play.

It's not work, you see.

It's glorious, wet play.

Well, maybe I can come over and play.

That would be very nice.

The thing is...

I have a small problem...

trusting people.

I don't know if I can trust myself with you, Diedrich.

Maybe we can come up with a way for you to prove--

Her name is Del Blaine. She's CS A.

Oh, bloody hell.

He drives a BMW registered to Clark Devlin.

You told me you dealt with Devlin with the skateboard bomb.

Yeah, well, he looks pretty alive to me.

Pretty good dancer. He's all over Cheryl. Want me to do something about that?

No. Maybe the rancid tart might actually be of some use for once.

Get the boys, would you?

Whoo! I am so bushed!

I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse me.

Unfortunate interrupt us.

So, my long streak of love, here is the key to the hospitality suite,

should you feel the need to spend the night.

Goodbye.

Well, I think I'll just go up to room 72-- excuse me-- 68

and take a long, hot bath.

In room 7268.

-Good night. -Good night.

And once again, we end up with nothing.

-I can get her to talk. -And say what?

[imitating Cheryl] "Oh, Emperor, would you sign my bra?

Oops, I'm not wearing one."

What is it with you and bras? She has information.

[normal voice] Oh, right. And that's why you have to go up to her hotel room.

You have never seen my work.

This is what Clark Devlin does best.

Can I go home?

-No! You have to cover me. -With what? A shot of penicillin?

-Huh? -Fine. I'll be waiting by the pool.

Wait. What's her room number again?

[imitating Cheryl] 7268.

7268, 7268, 7268...

[R&B music playing on stereo]

Yoo-hoo!

Cheryl.

[Cheryl] Hey, you little devil. What kind of bubbles do you like?

Little or big?

Hang it for me, will you?

So, I know you can dance.

But what else can you do?

Get on the bed. I'll show you.

[giggling]

Okay, Mr. Devlin, let's see your magic.

[Cheryl moans] Oh, my God, your hands are like a machine.

I'm never working with him again.

So, tell me about Diedrich's good friend, Walter Strider.

[moaning] Oh! Never heard of him.

But I know Dry Martini.

Maybe someone should mix us a couple.

Y-O-U.

Spells you.

[chuckles] Oh.

-You're smart. -Really?

And a good speller.

Thanks. I graduated top two-thirds of my sixth-grade class.

What a gentleman.

Look, it's Cocktail Barbie.

-Take your clothes off and stay. -I like my clothes on!

Kinky boy!

Where did you get that pin?

Oh. Diedrich. Want to have a closer look?

Sorry.

-Look at the time. I gotta go. -Oh, Emperor!

-[gasps] -[exclaiming]

Where are you going?

[Jimmy] What are you doing?

[Cheryl] Emperor!

Where are you going, you naughty boy?

I adore romance when it's rough!

[both grunting]

[both shouting]

[choking]

[shouts]

Come back here! You're dead meat! Come on!

-[screaming] -[grunting]

-[panting] -[giggling]

Take a bath!

Yes! Because I've been a dirty, dirty girl.

[kisses]

-[exhales] Go fill the tub. -Do you like it with bubbles?

Hot bubbles!

-Yippee! -Yippee!

[both squealing]

[Cheryl] ♪ Tiny bubbles in my wine ♪

♪ Makes me feel fine ♪

Come on, her voice reminds me of my mother.

[Cheryl] Is that room service?

What's happening?

[Cheryl] What's going on under those cute little boxers of yours?

Emperor, the bubbles are perfect!

Come to mama, Emperor!

Coming!

[yelps]

[Del] Help!

[shrieks]

Say good night, Agent.

Del Blaine. Del Blaine!

[man screaming]

Sorry!

-[Cheryl] Emperor! -This is not what I signed up for!

-[Cheryl] I need my bathroom bud. -She's taking a bath.

What happened to your nose?

[gasping]

[Del] Sorry!

Honeymooners.

Yeah, some things never change.

[Cheryl] Emperor! Emperor, come back!

Please!

-Oh... -[door rattling]

Come on. Get going!

[Del] Ouch!

Can't you do anything?

Why are you so mad?

Gee, let me think.

Because big, ugly men are trying to kill me?

Because I got stuck with a millionaire playboy dilettante for a partner?

You don't care how you make people feel.

I happen to be an extremely sensitive person.

[groans]

Okay. You think you know feelings. Look at me.

How do I feel?

-Sick. -Sad!

What about now?

Constipated.

Creepy.

Horny.

[laughing] ...is funny.

[grunting] ...is angry.

Aaah... is crazy.

You know nothing.

This is why you don't have a boyfriend.

No wonder you didn't get anything from Banning.

Oh. Right, I didn't get anything from Banning,

-except where his frigging lab is. -Where?

Let's see if the great master agent can figure it out.

Banning said he sometimes has trouble sleeping.

Big secret. All men have trouble sleeping.

Sometimes at night he goes down and works in his lab.

He sleeps in his lab?

He sleeps in his bedroom.

-His lab's in his bedroom? -No.

Get your facts straight.

His lab is at his house.

His casa. Where he lives. Get it?

Excellent.

You passed the test. I'll put in a good word with the boss.

Let's go see Chalmers tonight.

No. Keep him out of this.

Just you and me.

If you're so good at this, tell me something about me.

Okay.

You have a big crush on me.

And I know your name is Del Blaine.

First of all, you wish. And...

my real name is Delilah.

Delilah?

Suits you.

-Hey. -Hmm?

-[Jimmy grunting] -Oh! [giggling]

Oh, Emperor!

Oh, God, Clark, isn't anything sacred?

Ow! Rug burns are so sexy!

It's the driver!

Thank you.

Invitations?

Yes.

Why don't you offer him five bucks?

I have them somewhere.

Nice party, huh?

So, strong, silent type. I got the whole bouncer package.

I didn't mean your package.

Thank you, Dr. Schwartz.

Shalom. Come, darling.

[Del] Product launch, my ass. Let's go find Banning's lab.

[dance music playing]

Let's go.

Are you trying to get me alone?

Where'd they go?

Don't tell me the great Clark Devlin can't come up with an answer.

Although, he can walk on water.

It's a trick, right?

[machinery whirring]

Come on!

Wow!

-Mr. Devlin likes insects too. -[Del] What?

Oh, I mean, sometimes I speak of myself in the third person.

Hmm, Del Blaine thinks you're a freak.

[man] Have you cleaned the tanks?

-[Jimmy] What are they doing down there? -[Del] I don't know.

When you're done here, go and sweep the tunnels.

Don't use the blower. I can tell the difference.

And don't touch the tequila. That's for me and Mr. Banning.

-Whatever you say, Dr. Simms. -Louder.

-Yes, Dr. Simms. -Okay, Dr. Simms.

We better hope the little ones follow the queen.

Well, if they don't, the stock is gonna be worthless.

Follow the queen?

Well, have you seen Cheryl? Maybe he's gay.

Cheryl? No.

[man] Man, let's get out of here. Let's go have a smoke.

Hey, how did you...

Whatever.

Look at this.

[air hissing]

[Del] He's pinpointed the national reservoirs.

He's going to poison the water?

Not with that stuff. It's too detectable and there's government safeguards.

-Let's check out the computer. -Now you're thinking.

[device beeping]

Who are they? They shouldn't be in the lab.

Let's go.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, your God, what?

[Del] DNA recombinant microbes carrying a T-4 genome.

English.

Genetically-induced hydrogen-oxygen barrier.

Normal person's English.

[Del] Dehydrating water. Drink it, you'll shrivel up and die.

But the big question is, how is he going to introduce it into the water supply?

[door clanging open]

I think we better go.

Go.

Quick, over there by the wall.

Nobody here.

Let's check the hatchery.

[Del] You're on my foot.

-What was that about? -Shh. Go.

[Del] How did they miss us? What, are they blind?

Don't look up my skirt.

[R&B music playing]

[chattering]

Banning's got the bacteria,

but he has to transport it from his lab to the water.

-There's no way he can. -Maybe with airplanes?

Not possible. Besides, even if he could get it to a reservoir undetected,

an alarm would trigger the second the surface of the water is broken.

You're really smart.

It's an act. I'm an inexperienced girl trying to bluff her way through.

You are?

Come on. Stop humoring me. Just be honest.

Honest?

All right. You think I'm the great Clark Devlin.

[phone ringing]

Yeah, hello.

Steena, I can't talk right now.

Yeah, I can handle it.

Bad news?

Can we go somewhere and be alone?

Sure.

I didn't know you were so strong.

-Take off your clothes! -Let's not do anything we'll regret.

-Take off your clothes! -What's happening?

Look, I knew the second I met you you weren't Clark Devlin.

Now take off the tuxedo. It doesn't belong to you.

- I wanted to tell you but didn't know how. -Take off your clothes.

-[toilet flushes] -What is that?

-Hey, you! Out here. -Okay.

-Take the clothes. -Okay.

Slow down. My name's Jimmy Tong. I'm Mr. Devlin's driver.

He asked me to find Walter Strider.

I don't want to hear any more lies. Give me the watch and the shoes.

Where's Clark Devlin? And how did you think you were gonna get away with this?

Things happened. I decided to go with the flow.

What about the underwear?

They're mine. I mean, my roommate's.

Jimmy. Suits you.

These are my roommate's, too.

Go finish your business.

Excuse me.

-Have you seen the Emperor? -No.

Impolite to leave without saying goodbye to the host.

- I was looking for Diedrich. -I'll take you to him.

[electronic dance music playing]

[Banning] Like a big terrier with a little rat.

I think she was down in the lab.

Well, at least your interest in water was genuine.

Look, I'm here because of you.

You wanted to know if I could be trusted?

I bet this tux is just your size.

Thank you.

[beeping]

We got a positive location on Blaine, sir.

[Chalmers] How long till we get to her?

Twenty minutes.

I've transmitted the coordinates.

[Jimmy] Dear Mr. Devlin,

I did the best I could, but it wasn't good enough.

[ Did not find Walter Strider for you.

I also lost your tuxedo.

I'm sure you will get it back.

I guess I will go back to being what I was before I met you.

Water strider.

Water strider.

Water strider!

Stupid!

[Banning] My beautiful little darlings.

[Del] Gerris margin at us,

a species native to Southeast Asia, commonly known as the water strider.

"Walter Strider."

Yes, the water strider. Very good.

Well, it's brilliant. They touch down on the reservoirs.

Their little feet transfer a deadly bacteria

without breaking the surface of the water,

so no alarms sound, and it looks like a nasty little trick of nature.

Fortunately, there is one drinkable water source.

[gasps] Yours.

[laughing]

[Del] Diedrich, you're a genius. Too bad it won't work.

You're so wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

It will work because my plan is perfect.

Sorry, Mr. Banning. It's your plan and mine.

-Um, it's ours. -Shut up. Explain.

Oh. All righty.

The life cycle of the Gerris margin at us begins with mating,

something Dr. Simms is not personally familiar with.

Anyhoo, the insects swarm to fresh water,

where fertilized eggs are deposited on the underside of lotus leaves

and hatch into larvae.

Spare me the Discovery Channel blather.

[cackling]

-Tell me why it won't work. -Yeah, tell us.

Why it won't work.

This is the northern hemisphere, correct?

You incubated insects native to the southern hemisphere.

So simply, it is too cold for them to mature sexually.

Much like Simms here.

Therefore, they won't mate. Therefore, they won't seek out water.

Is this true?

No. I knew a girl once. In college.

Quite well. Very well.

And then, you remember Cousin Doris?

-No, Simms, the bugs. -The bugs.

You're not going to believe this hoochie, are you, Mr. Banning?

Oh, yeah? Ask him if I lied about the tuxedo.

That tuxedo is all right. It's--

All right? That is the most incredible piece of technology on the planet.

And I am laying it in your big, hot hands.

Mr. Banning, release the bugs.

Go ahead. Do what he tells you.

You might have a chance at second prize at a junior high school science fair.

But you can forget your dreams of world domination.

Slip into it, Diedrich. See how it feels.

[Devlin] The other 10% is in there, and you've got plenty of it.

Hey, Dr. Schwartz.

Tell your boss Clark Devlin is back.

[guns cocking]

Drapes nicely.

-It certainly puts a spring in one's step. -Happy to have lightened your loafers.

One question. Why are you doing this?

[alarm blaring]

What the hell is this?

This is the moment where 50 C.S.A. commandos storm in,

take you, your pretentious accent, your jackass sideburns,

to the federal pen, where, guess what,

all they serve is highly chlorinated tap water.

Presenting Clark Devlin.

Have I told you how amazing you look in this tuxedo?

Ugh.

-Simms, prepare for release. -With pleasure, sir.

[computerized female voice] Hatchery doors opening. Water sources targeted.

Pods will begin releasing striders in five minutes.

[beeping]

Maturation level, 85 %.

-Why are you here? -[groaning] I've come to save you.

That's great. What about the big guys with guns?

For years I've heard about you.

Now that we finally meet, I find that the great Clark Devlin

is nothing more than an ordinary man

who's about to die an extraordinary death.

You're right. Except for one thing.

My name's Tong.

James Tong.

You okay?

-Is there something you want to tell me? -Later.

Oh, you've got a good suit as well.

[grunts]

All right!

[yelps, screams]

-[grunts] -[shouts]

[electricity crackling]

X-4 genome bacteria-induced water striders 700% mature.

Bacteria drop sites identified.

Pods now opening.

What are you doing? No! No!

She's ruining everything.

Electrical malfunction. Hatchery door is disengaged.

-Ah! I knew girls like you in high school. -Yeah? Did they do this?

Uh-huh. They did.

Mr. Banning, you must open the hatch manually.

Sod off.

Manual hatch release required.

Manual hatch release required.

Rotate valve counterclockwise to open hatch.

Get off.

Bloody open!

Manual procedure complete. Hatchery doors opening.

[grunts]

Airborne striders awaiting queen release.

[dance music playing]

Hatchery doors opening.

Clark! I mean, Jimmy, help me!

I'm busy.

All mature striders ready for release. Bacteria-laced microbes fully activated.

[both choking]

His head is about to explode. Look at him.

Look at him!

You might know a few tricks, but you're just a sad, pathetic man.

[screams]

Smoking is bad for your health. You okay?

Yeah, duh. By the way, nice going.

Now millions of people are gonna die of dehydration. You left the hatch open.

[Jimmy] They're not flying away.

Yeah. What are they waiting for?

They are waiting to follow the queen.

Airborne striders awaiting queen release.

[Del] Oh, my God. For once, you're right.

The queen is gonna lead the striders to freshwater sites all over North America.

Quick, grab it before it's released.

Queen strider disengaged.

-Alert. Queen strider disengaged. -[alarm blaring]

Let's go.

He's got the queen!

Oh! [shrieking]

[yelps] Oh!

You dropped it.

[buzzing]

[whimpers]

Don't move!

[exclaims]

[muffled screaming]

[giggling]

[buzzing]

Ow. [neck cracks]

[shouting]

[gagging]

[buzzing intensifies]

[Del] Sir? Excuse me. I deserve to see this.

Ugh.

[alarm blaring]

Trouble.

Okay, okay, make hustle, ladies. Let's go. Let's go.

Watch out, Aqua-Lung.

Hey, pal, nice suit.

It's okay, kitten. Everything is gonna be all right.

It's not okay. You just decked the hero.

I'm a genius, and I can testify for a piece of immunity.

Also, I'm from a neutral country.

Shut it!

-Looks like we got here just in time. -Oh, to what? Take credit?

Oh, you're hilarious, Blaine.

Winton Chalmers, C.S.A. I spearheaded the operation that took down Banning.

-I bet you're Jimmy Tong. -Here's your tuxedo. You happy now?

I will be when I get it safely back to headquarters.

By the way, Blaine, not a bad job for your first time in the field.

Well, I didn't do it alone.

She always says nice things about me.

Yeah, when you finally do something right, you deserve the credit.

Well, sir, it's an honor to help the United States of America.

I feel exactly the same way, soldier.

You don't think you're gonna get away with a bureaucratic pat on the butt, do you?

Well, I'm hoping to.

[laughing]

Ooh! Man down, people.

[gasping]

Well...

there is one thing you can do for me.

And that would be?

[Steena] All right, tracking systems locked on.

Anybody screws up and your ass is mine.

-Block off this end of the street. -[man 1 on radio] Roger that.

We're T-minus 30 and counting. Is everyone in position?

-[man 2] Manhole agent, up. -[Steena] Flower lady, hot dog vendor, go!

Replace the hot dog vendor. Come on. Hustle. Let's go.

[man 3] This is Bird Three. The street is secure.

[man 4] Uh-oh. Bike messenger.

[Steena] Hostile forces moving in. Go on, Randall. Take him out.

-[Randall] Roger. T-14 descending. -[man 4] Advance lead operation vehicle.

[Steena] Bring in the package as soon as I cross.

-[man 4] Roger that. Package on the move. -[Steena] Hustle, people.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. It's showtime.

How's our package?

- I forget what to say! -[Del] You can do this. Focus. Go.

Go!

-[man 4] Package dropped. -[Randall] Roger, target locked.

Jimmy, what do you say?

The name's Tong.

James Tong.

I'm the man. I'm the man.

-[Steena] Did you tell him to say that? -[Del] No. Well, sort of.

[Steena] Oh, God.

[Devlin] Relax.

-He's just pumping out pheromones. -[Steena] Clark, shut up.

[Devlin] I do believe I'm in charge of this operation.

[Steena] The package is locked on target.

-Why did you wear those pants? -[Devlin] He's stopping.

[Del]I What's he stopping for?

-[Steena] Why is he stopping? -[Devlin] Use the door, Jimmy.

[man 1] Have you seen her? He's out of his league, if you know what I mean.

-[laughter] -[Devlin] He's like a hunter.

-[man 2] ls the gallery owner. -[Steena] Quiet.

Nice. Clark, please, would you focus?

-He's about to speak. -Open your mouth.

-Hi. -Hi.

-That's the girl? -[man 1] He came up with that on his own.

She's not that pretty.

-[Steena] Jimmy, smile, come on. -[Deviin] Move on to something else.

-He doesn't look so good. -He doesn't look so good.

-He doesn't look so good. -He doesn't look so good.

-Clark, give him a line. -Steena, shut up.

-Just look deep into her eyes. -[Del] Clark, no.

-[Steena] Doesn't work. -[man 1] He's hyperventilating.

Don't listen to them. Listen to me.

I can't think with you screaming in my ear.

-[Steena] Everybody calm down, all right? -Not you. Her. No, her.

Look deep into her eyes and tell her you had a dream about her last night.

-Clark, be quiet. -Del, will you shut up?

Uh...

I hate to say this, but don't take advice

-from women about women. -[Del] Shut up.

-[Steena] Clark, you've been reassigned. -The voices are screaming in my ear.

Hey, if you can hear me, wipe that look off your face.

[grunts] Remember me?

-Hooters. Soul patch. -[all groaning on radio]

Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm the love of my li-- You're the love of my life!

-[Devlin] Never fell them you love them. -Can you have dinner with me?

-Get out. -Pretty sure he crapped his pants, people.

- I just want to have dinner. -Get out now!

-[Jimmy] Lunch? -Now!

[Steena] We're terminating this mission. Pack it up and roll home.

I think I blew it, Mr. Devlin.

Jimmy, I wrote the book on this stuff. You didn't blow it. You outgrew her.

Maybe.

[Devlin] Tell you what. Take the weekend off.

First thing Monday morning, we'll head somewhere with more interesting prospects.

-How about Monte Carlo? -Sounds good.

Thanks, Mr. Devlin. Thanks, everybody.

-[man 1] It's okay, Jimmy. -[man 2] A lot of fish. Hang in there.

Well, if you were trying to get her to notice you, mission accomplished.

What are you planning for the second date? Running at her with a knife?

-It's difficult for me. -What is so hard?

Just say something like, "Excuse me. You want to go get some coffee?"

When I'm around beautiful women, I can't talk.

Sure. Beautiful women.

You know? A real knockout. Like the beautiful lady in the gallery.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

-What? -You can't tell how I feel?

-You look sad. -No.

-Sick?

-Constipated? -No.

A little.

Tell me. What's wrong?

No guy would ever do anything for me like what you did for her.

Or tried to do.

You know why?

Because you are a pain in the butt.

Yeah. Nice working with you, too.

Hello. Delilah, excuse me.

You want to have a coffee?

I only drink organic green tea.

Eh! Wrong answer. You're never gonna have a boyfriend.

Fine. Coffee.

I love coffee.

You learn quick.

-That your happy face or your horny face? -I'll tell you later.

['Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine" playing]

-♪ Getup ♪ -♪ Get on up ♪

-♪ Get on up ♪ -♪ Get up, now ♪

James. James Tong.

[both laughing]

I couldn't tell you what I'm about to say.

[crew laughing]

I'm sorry.

What happened?

The bird hit the guy.

-Huh? -[woman] "Is this a bunch of crap?"

Is this a bunch crap?

-[woman] "Bunch of crap." -Okay.

You think I speak very good English, huh?

What's in your head flies out of mouth.

What's in your head flies from your mouth.

-What's in your mouth... -[man] That's okay. Cut.

No wonder. This is why you don't have a boyfriend.

-Just... -[laughter]

-Frog? -Fraud.

Look at her ugly face. Every time [ look...

Every time [ look, she's just like this.

How can I act?

-Can we do a single on me? -[Hewitt] No!

[director] Action!

Aaah!

No, no, cut! Cut!

[grunting]

-Follow them. They'll take us to the lab. -Who?

Let's go.

[director] Cut!

I've got the happy partner over here.

Jimmy! What do you...

She smile the whole movie. Waste of film, waste of time.

What is she doing?

-Hit me! -Oh, no!

You're fast. But I'm faster.

Good God!

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