Original subtitles

♪ Foodtopia ♪

One tooth each.

Welcome to Julius' Spa.

Would you like some cucumber face mist?

That sounds lovely.

Oh!

Mm.

Hey! Vote for Julius.

Enjoy those massages.

Hey, don't worry.

We're going to help you get those wrinkles out. Vote for Julius.

All right, yeah.

- Ooh! Ow... - Ah.

Come on, harder.

If you want a tooth, you need to tenderize me.

Sorry. I've just been doing this all day.

My hands hurt.

Nothing worse than when they talk to you.

Oh, hey, kiddos.

Mom just has to sit down for a sec.

Oh...

You look beat, girl.

I know life isn't always over easy, but I'm fried.

You look me in the whites of my eyes and you listen.

You're a good egg, doing right by your whole carton.

One day you'll earn enough teeth to get us the fridge of our dreams!

But you can't crack now.

You've got to keep looking on the sunny side.

Oh, Yolk-o, you're right. I love you.

Egg timer's up.

Hate to be so runny, but I gotta scramble to my other job before it gets poached.

Management has noticed far too many coffee breaks being taken.

As a result, all coffees are hereby suspended without pay.

No food has yet signed up to operate the fork lift.

Reminder, that it is not what you think it is.

Foods operating heavy machinery do so at their own risk of peeling, puncturing...

- Oh, god! - It's stringing me alive!

I've got you.

You're cracked.

Shit! Now I gotta find a replacement for both of you.

- You! You're in. - No, please, Mr. Smokey Barbecue.

I... Oh, I can still work.

Sorry, dear, if I don't enforce the rules, Julius will replace me too.

You're home early, what's wrong?

You got a itty bitty tummy ache?

- Did you hear that? Eggetha, Yolk-o! - Oh, no!

Whoa-oh-oh. Oh!

No! My whole family. They're dead!

They're all dead! Whoa!

As their frail bodies betrayed them,

they lay in a puddle of their own yolk, shell, and viscera.

They would never know the chilling embrace of refrigeration,

only the cold grip of death itself.

Okay, thank you Viener Hotzdog,

for yet another of your incredibly depressing,

but undeniably compelling real-life stories.

Samuel, I would trek to the bilious depths of the human stomach

if it meant capturing the harsh realities of our existence.

It brings me an immense, almost erotic joy as well as unspeakable sadness.

What a combo. And now, onto our main story.

Yesterday, division between the foods over who should lead Foodtopia

erupted into a full-blown brouhaha that I’m calling: The Leader Competition.

We take you live to Main Street, where Frank and Brenda are about to...

Are you Sammy Bagel Junior?

No, I'm John Pastrami Senior.

Of course, I'm fucking Sammy Bagel Junior.

- Okay, come on. - You're coming with me.

Hey, take it easy. What the fuck did I do?

You beat the shit out of me and stole my TV screens.

Oh, right.

Hello, fellow foods.

I look out in the crowd and I see too many milks curdling,

too many lettuces wilting,

too many frozen foods melting.

And our “Share-zees” plan will get all those foods

into the fridges they so desperately need.

Listen up, guys.

As food, we have a responsibility to help each other.

But there are some foods, like the Orange Julius,

who care more about helping themselves.

But, hey, fortunately, there's way more of us than there are of them.

And if we work together, ah, there is nothing that can stop us.

We're putting a stop to this!

- This rally is out of control. - What?!

No, it isn’t. We’re just getting our message across.

Not anymore. We’re shutting you down.

What the hell?

This isn't why the task force was established.

You did this, didn't you?

Frank, just because you saw me hand them teeth,

and they did exactly what I said, doesn't mean I control them.

- Go wait over there? - Yes, sir.

Now, look, I'm a rich fruit. I don't try to hide it.

I got molars on the soles of my shoes, see?

Noice!

Frank and Brenda want to take my teeth away.

But if you really think about it, my teeth are your teeth.

I use them to employ almost everyone in town.

Every day, I'm creating more jobs.

And if I’m forced to do share-zees, I’m gonna have to let a lot of you go...

and raise your rent,

and jack up the price of cars.

I don't want to do that.

If anything, I want to give you more teeth,

along with the pride of earning them.

- But they won’t let me. - That's not true.

Will you stop making up bad shit about us?

If they're elected, prices will go up.

You will be fired.

You will be homeless.

I guarantee it.

Shit! He took over our rally, and then he rallied everyone against us!

It's okay, Frank.

Our record speaks for itself.

We may have lost control of this task force,

but we still have the integrity of the food court.

Next up is the case of Crispy Cinnamon Logs

versus Samuel Bagel Junior.

Judge Rutabaga Ginsburg presiding.

Okay, everyone, please be seated.

I can't help but be "seeded."

Order! Order!

Oof! Come on, Sammy, take this seriously.

Should we do something to help him?

We can't play favorites with our friends.

The rules have to apply the same to every food.

Mr. Bagel,

while your puns may be a defense mechanism,

they do not amount to a legal defense, not in my food court.

Now, what's your actual defense?

Okay, look, look, I know that pummeling the cereal box

and taking the stool was wrong, but...

performing on these screens is all I have.

Without them, I don't even wanna think

about what would happen to me without them.

That's your defense, seriously?

Okay, this is a pretty open-and-shut case here.

My ruling is the electronics store legally belongs to...

Psst!

Oh!

Sammy Bagel Junior...

Case closed.

Teeth, teeth, teeth. Boy, I love teeth.

Julius did it again! He got to Ginsburg. She was the best of us.

This system is rotting faster than a geriatric apple!

Not here, Frank, foods are watching us. Just smile and wave.

- You sure this is fresh? - Oh, it's fresh iced tea.

My inner casing is tingling like a motherfucker right now.

I respect your instincts.

But that don't do shit for me right now.

I need cold, hard proof, dog.

Check this out.

Before Burning Man, I lopped off one of the humey's toes.

This footprint also has four toes.

So I guess the only question is...

humeys usually have five toes, right?

You're gonna want to check this out, Barry.

That's impossible. This is what I tied the humey with.

Guess not tight enough, huh?

There’s no way he could have gotten out of those by himself.

- Oh, you saying he had help. - I'm not saying he didn't.

What food would even want to talk to a humey, let alone rescue it?

And what are they getting out of it?

Whoa, whatever it is,

it's got to be big enough to deceive everyone around them.

Especially, those closest to them.

This is spiraling out of control.

Julius is going to win this thing, and it'll be like this forever.

Just the rich ruling the poor.

- What do we do? - I don't know. Fuck! What the hell?

Why are all our ideas getting corrupted?

Because they're all human ideas. I can hear you, by the way.

There's no door on the treehouse.

You had crime, so you set up a police force and a court system.

And then they were both corrupted by a politician who's running for president.

- What?! - And your share-zees policy?

Yeah, that’s just taxes. Very controversial among humans.

No wonder everyone turned on you.

We just created a bunch of human shit?

Well, specifically Western American capitalist human shit.

But it means that I can be helpful!

'Cause as it turns out, food and humans are shockingly similar.

- Fuck off! We're nothing like you. - That's what a human would say.

- That's not true. - No, it is.

That's what people said to me every time I said I was like them.

You know, that I was a screw up, just a-a run-of-the-mill dumb butt.

But I know stuff. Yeah.

You don't have to have written House of Cards

to know that politics is all about money.

You just have to have watched it, and I got through two and a half seasons.

But, uh, I mean, don't worry.

I stopped watching, like, relatively soon after the Spacey stuff came out.

What the fuck are you even talking about? Look, we don't need your help.

This is simple.

If we just get everyone who supports us to chip in what they can spare,

even just one tooth, we'll be set.

You think humans could come up with something that smart, you fucking idiot?

We did. It's called a "fundraiser." And it only works if rich people show up.

And your whole problem is that your supporters aren't rich.

I see about 20 good teeth in this guy's fucking head. How about we take those?!

No, no, no! No.

Look, you'll need way more than that.

Why don't you just take them from the richest food in town?

What? We're obviously not gonna steal.

That goes against the exact rule that we created.

Right. Honestly, plus, it would be way too hard

to keep them guarded in lunchboxes.

Oh, well, when you say that,

it instantly makes me think of the Fast and the Furious franchise.

What's that?

One of the greatest achievements in cinematic and human history.

And in the climax of the fifth installment,

they steal a safe by attaching it to a car...

No, absolutely not. We are running for leaders of Foodtopia.

We need to lead by example.

It's not a bad example if nobody knows we did it.

That is kind of the beauty of examples.

Frank, we're not doing this.

If we're gonna win, it has to be the right way.

Okay, the right way it is.

What the fuck just happened?

Mazel tov on the big win.

You know, I mean, I was so utterly guilty.

I mean this, ya know, this Judge Rutabaga Ginsburg,

I mean, what a schnook.

Can you believe she ruled that I own these screens?

Well, technically, I paid her off, so they're my screens.

But the good news is, I want you to stay on them.

Oh, wait...

- So I get to... - Keep doing what you love.

The Argument.

Seriously, I... I don't know how I'm ever gonna repay you.

But consider this a down payment.

Well, those are lovely, but I have other ideas.

♪ Just don't chew on us ♪

♪ It breaks our backs and makes us die ♪

Listen to this guy. Isn't he great?

Fun fact, he was rescued from the bottom of a dead humey grandma's purse.

Now, look at him. Up there, just livin' his life.

Yeah. Have we made any teeth?

So far, just enough to cover Bill Werther's performance fee.

We haven't even started the auction yet.

All right, the first and only item up for bid is an original Candy Warhol.

The success of this event is all riding on this, folks.

Start the bidding at one tooth.

Do I have one tooth? Anybody? Do I have one tooth here? There?

I see some Butter in the back. Come on, Butter.

Oh, I can't believe it's not butter. Next! You, Parsnip, in the front row.

Did I hear a crinkle of Chips?

- A hand moving up? - No, just scratching my ass.

Anyone? Anything? How about Cinnamon? You ready to spice things up? You are not.

And Candy Warhol looks appropriately devastated.

This is going bad, this is going real bad. Going once, twice.

This is not gone.

And the painting goes to no one for nothing!

Well, it's 11 more teeth than we started with.

This amount would almost certainly fill a glass half full.

Yeah, a small glass.

I mean, Julius, is paying all these foods to hand out stickers for him.

Vote for Julius. He's orange.

How are we supposed to compete with that?

Frank, I have an idea.

Let's go door to door. Get our message out that way.

Okay. If we split up, we'll reach more doors.

Oh, my God. You're right. We could reach...

Twice as many doors!

A recent study finds ten out of ten foods hate being alive.

This is Frank and Brenda’s Foodtopia.

They couldn’t protect you from rain.

They couldn’t protect you from bird.

And now, they can't protect you from themselves.

"Share-zees?" What's that even mean?

How would it be enforced?

They want to take your hard-earned teeth away.

But I don't want to take your teeth away.

I want to give you teeth by hiring you in one of my many thriving businesses.

But don't just take it from me.

Hi, you probably know me as a hometown celebrity

and a globally-renowned triple threat.

But it was Julius who gave me a platform and this portable microphone.

When was the last time Frank and Brenda gave me anything at all?

Or you, for that matter?

I'm Sammy Bagel Junior and I endorse this orange.

Paid for by the Foundation of Foods for Julius, owned and operated by Julius.

- Mm, mm... - What the fuck, Sammy?

How could you do this to us?

I'm sorry, Frank.

It's a shmear campaign.

You've been shmeared.

I didn't have any choice.

Julius told me the only way I could stay on his screens is if I did the ad.

What you just described is a choice.

That's a choice. Take this shit down.

That's not Sammy's decision to make. But this is.

Pick a car. Any car.

- Cool cars. - And if Frank's making you feel bad,

here's some food literally lined up to be your friend.

Mm... Hot friends.

You see, Frank. He keeps buttering me up and giving me everything I want.

I'm powerless to stop it.

I'll take the little red Corvette and the Steel Cut Oats.

Excellent choice.

Hit it, buddy.

I call it "supply and command".

I supply food with teeth and then command them to do whatever I want.

Don't be mad at me, Frank. Be mad that you didn't think of it first.

How the fuck are we supposed to compete with this guy?

Where the hell'd you go, Frank?

Aah!

Oh, hey, Frank.

All right. I brought you some finger foods.

Now teach me how to be both fast and furious.

So, I'm hooking up with this smokin' hot peach,

and I reach down and guess what?

Bro, no fuzz.

What makes you think I would enjoy that story?

- Hey! - Is that a potato?

Time to peel out, motherfuckers!

Yep, that's a potato, all right.

Get him!

Ooh, this thing doesn’t handle good. This is not a good car.

Oh, shit!

Frank, why did you create a whole fucking police force?

All units. We have a tooth heist in progress.

Need backup.

Aw, this damn thing is fake.

Oh, shit! Oh, no!

Fuck yeah!

I'm going door to door asking for contributions to help.

Sorry, you caught me in the middle of having sex with my wife.

I know you're up to something, Frank. Where are you hiding?

Back off pigs!

Oh, no! Oh, shit!

I'm so dry.

You don't want to end up like me.

- Stay out of the sun. - Sure thing grandma.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, great!

Yes! I did it!

Oh, no!

Whoa. Whoa, Barry.

What do I do?

Fuck off, sausage. But be very careful!

I’m sorry! Oh, shit-shit-shit!

Oh, no, Barry!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Please be okay. Oh, please be okay.

I'm a potato!

Surprise!

Oh, my God. It was you?

It was so exciting, Brenda. First I was fast, and then I was furious.

And then, for one brief, glorious moment, I was both fast and furious.

But we agreed not to do that.

Well, yeah, but we tried it your way, and it didn't work.

And now, we're fucking set. We can finally compete.

We can pay for help.

We can get Girl Scout cookies to go door to door and campaign for us.

We can get SPAM.

SPAM is annoying, but SPAM is so effective.

Frank, I cannot believe you would do this.

You know, the humeys have a saying:

"Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet."

- Oh, that's murder. - No, it's a metaphor.

The omelet's a perfect society and the broken eggs

are some of the unsavory things that you got to do to make it.

Exactly. And, unfortunately, one of the broken eggs in this case

is that Barry almost caught me, but he didn't.

Thanks to my kick-ass potato disguise.

- You did Potato Head? - For ten minutes. Look what came of it.

This whole thing has become about who has the most teeth.

Yeah, and now it might be us.

What-what!

No! I'm talking about our whole society. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Not much we can do about that now.

Unless... we abolish teeth.

And make that our new platform. Yeah, a do-over.

No rich foods or poor foods.

Fuck you laughing at, big man?

I'm-I'm sorry.

It's just that would never, ever work.

Like, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever work.

- Never. - He's right, Brenda.

Wait, I'm sorry. He's right?

You're siding with a humey over me?

Brenda, you need to stop acting like he's the bad guy.

This humey, he's been nothing but good for us.

Not only do his ideas work, he seems to legitimately care.

I do. I care. I care so much.

I'm behind you 100%.

Look at him.

He stopped eating food.

There is one thing I know we have that Julius doesn't, and that's him.

If we're going to win this election and fix Foodtopia,

we need to trust his instincts.

Barry was right.

He said this was a slippery slope,

and you are acting slipperier than escargot.

If you think I am just going to stand here while you steal and cheat,

then you and your little humey can es-car-go fuck yourselves.

Escargot is slugs, right?

Don't act so high and mighty. Okay?

- You helped me steal this guy, remember? - Yeah, and I regret it.

This has gone far enough, Frank.

Step aside.

I'm ending this motherfucker, breaking the curse he has over you.

No! No, Brenda, we need him!

You need him because you don't believe you can do this on your own.

This is all about you, Frank.

Your insecurities, your shortcomings...

No, it's about your insecurities and shortcomings

and everybody else's insecurities, not mine.

All right. Look, I'm gonna make this real easy, Frank.

Choose. Either let me kill this motherfucker,

or I'm gone, like a frickin' prawn.

I'm sorry.

We need him.

Then have him.

Buns. Am I right?