Original subtitles

♪ Foodtopia ♪

Why'd you cut my toe off?

I'm glad you asked. That's a very smart question.

Just testing out how quickly you're gonna burn.

We don't want it to be too fast. We also don't want it to be too slow.

But you see that?

Turns out you're gonna burn just right.

Aah! Please, you don't have to do this.

Come on, man. You hear how excited everyone is down there?

That's 'cause of you.

It's Burning Man!

We're gonna burn a man.

We can't disappoint them.

I really gotta hand it to you guys, building an entire music festival

around this bozo's death, it's very inspiring stuff.

Plus, it's a great way to showcase new talent

and, more importantly, my vocal range.

Oh, wow. You're gonna sing?

You know, I don't know if you know this, but I can carry a tune myself.

♪ Rosemary lemon drops, panko and butter ♪

♪ Mixed greens and Corn Nuts make my heart flutter… ♪

- Okay. Thanks, toots, we'll be in touch. - Frank, did you hear that?

He's gonna... he's gonna be in touch. I might be in the big show.

Now, Barry, make sure you don't light this putz up

- before my emotional crescendo. - Copy that.

- And how will I know when you hit it? - When your little beef nub busts au jus

all over your fancy little shoes, that’s when.

I look forward to that.

♪ Woo-oo-oo ♪

♪ Dough-Bread-Meat-Pho Soup-Lasagnnnaaa ♪

Okay, I think I've heard enough, A Dill…

…because you are going to Burning Man.

Oh, my goodness!

Thank you! Thank you!

Okay, great.

Next up, Megan Thee Scallion.

How many more auditions we need to get through?

Okay, let's see here, we have, uh, Pruno Mars, Celine Dijon,

Machine Gun Jelly, Boy Porridge, Corn,

and Pita Ora.

♪ I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me ♪

Okay, look, here's the thing, Katy.

I can't be around any pitas or lavash...

No flatbreads of any kind, okay?

This show is about celebration and escape.

I… We don't want to feature imagery

that reminds anyone of the only food to ever feel like home to me.

So sorry, hon. You're dismissed.

Okay, that's better. So, wow, she's still going, huh?

I could watch this all day.

Oh, my God!

What the hell is that?

Ah! Go away!

How does it stay in the air so long?

Aah!

Oh, no, no.

- Ah! - Oh!

You tellin' me there's things other than humeys that eat us? This is fucked.

I know. This is gonna ruin Sammy Bagel Junior Presents Burning Man.

Mark my words, that man will burn.

- Yes, Barry, yes! - Kill it, Barry, kill it!

But also, be careful.

Where's the entry point?

How am I supposed to control this thing?

Hot… dog.

Barry, no!

Clever girl.

He's okay. That was so gross, but-but he's okay.

How are we gonna stop this thang?

Ah! No. Oh, no.

Those are the first winks of sleep I've had since the apocalypse.

Well, wakey-wakey, asshole, we got a new problem for you to solve.

Either you tell us what that thing picking us off one by one is,

or I start picking off those eyebrow hairs one by one.

No, no, no, no, please. They'll grow back so weird.

Then start talkin'.

Okay, I know what that is.

But, uh, before I tell you, I'm so thirsty. Can I have some water?

Oh. Oh, no, no. Is water alive?

I've seen water bottles walking around, but, okay, what about normal tap water?

Uh, like, does life begin when it enters the bottle?

And what part's alive?

The bottle or the water inside it?

I'm sorry. I don't get your rules.

This is so frustrating for me. You must understand.

Our rules are simple, ya fuckin' moron. You're embarrassing yourself.

You want to quench your thirst? You quench our problem first.

All right! We know how to stop this thing.

But we need everybody's help.

Hey, remember me?

You shit directly in my face.

Come to Barry, you squawky fuck.

Now!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Hey, up top. That was a great idea.

It wasn't our idea. It was his.

- Oh, that was Turkey's baby? - No, damn it! Move, Turkey.

It was his.

Help! Help!

You got more advice from the humey?

Oh, my God. And you made me unwittingly compliment it.

Ooh, Burning Man is back on, baby.

Uh… yeah, about that. Is it really the smartest decision

to burn this guy alive now that he saved us… twice?

Let me make sure I'm hearing you straight. Are you suggesting we shouldn't burn him?

Like, at all?

I think Frank is saying maybe we should just delay burning him, right?

Yeah. Yeah, just a little.

Just delay it until we have a better handle on things.

Exactly. Who knows when the next random thing will pop up that we can't solve.

I could've solved that flapping sky monster thing.

- It just shit in my face. - It's called a bird.

I'm not calling it that.

Look, Gum died. We needed some info in a pinch.

I was fine with that, but it's a slippery slope.

Soon you're gonna wanna use this humey for every little problem that crops up.

Not for every problem, just the random, inexplicable ones.

We don't need him.

At the first sign of trouble you wanna run back to our oppressors?

Did we not topple their whole society in a comically short period of time?

- We did. - And did we or did we not tear down

all stigmas around both fucking and sucking?

Yeah, yeah. We did that too.

Then have some goddamn pride in your species.

Have some faith in yourselves. This is our time, not theirs.

He burns tonight.

Welcome to the show.

You know, my name, of course, is Sammy Bagel.

It's my pleasure to introduce the first food group of the evening.

Put your tiny hands together for the Talking Breads.

♪ Our toast it is both brown and golden ♪

♪ Oh butter ♪

♪ Don't spread it on our faces ♪

♪ We were once bread then exposed to heat ♪

♪ It turned us into toast ♪

♪ Pumpernickel, sourdough ♪

♪ There's so many types of loaves ♪

♪ Focaccia, ciabatta ♪

♪ Marble rye, baguette, brioche ♪

♪ Which bread do you like the most? ♪

♪ Maybe it is a challah ♪

Having trouble seeing the show?

You're in luck. Pretty great view from up here.

And all I ask is that you give me a little something-something in return.

Oh, I get it. You want me to eat that big orange ass?

- My what? - Your asshole.

The gaper you got hangin' off your bedunk there.

Ah! So it is.

A tempting offer, but…

I'm actually more interested in that sweet ol' mouth pearl you got.

How do they know how to play music?

None of this makes sense.

All right, we're all set.

The fire's going to travel up this here string to the top of the hill,

set the curtains on fire, revealing the humey…

Who, as it turns out, will also be on fire.

- It's genius. - Woo-hoo!

Well, there is no getting through to that.

Okay, I do not feel great about letting our only source of information die.

What if he doesn't?

Okay, you already have my heart, but now you have my attention.

You and me, we know what's best for Foodtopia,

and killin' this guy, that ain't it. We need to put a stop to this.

Wait, are you really suggesting we blatantly go against Barry's wishes?

I mean…? So, what about our wishes?

- Our wishes don't count? - Yeah.

- Don't you want your wishes to count? - Yeah.

- Then, you know what, here's what I say. - Yeah?

We're… There's two of us.

So how come his wish overrides our two wishes?

Yeah. Wait, he has Sammy. That evens out.

No, what that does, is it makes it a wash. It makes it a wish wash.

Okay, well, who does a tie go to in the event of a wish wash?

I think we both know it goes to us

because we are the ones looking out for the betterment of Foodtopia, okay?

This'll be all right. Barry will come around,

and he'll see we're doing the right thing.

But ideally, honestly, he will never fucking find out about this.

Right? Okay, I'm with you. But, yeah, it's gonna be really bad when he finds out.

- Yes, but he won't find out. - No, he won't.

- But I'm with you. - But he won't find out.

Oh, I think it would be very bad if he did.

♪ I am just a little dancin' piece of macaroni ♪

♪ I am not spaghetti or penne or rigatoni ♪

♪ I am not lasagna or a fat slab of bologna ♪

♪ I'm Macaroni ♪

♪ I am not spaghetti or penne or rigatoni ♪

♪ I am not lasagna or a fat slab of baloney ♪

♪ I'm Macaroni ♪

♪ Have you ever seen a macaroni dancin'? ♪

♪ Who's a hunk and he deserves a second glancin' ♪

♪ All my crust is enticin' and romancin' ♪

♪ I'm a fancy macaroni ♪

♪ I am just a little dancin' piece of macaroni ♪

♪ I'm macaroni ♪

How the hell are we gonna pull this off?

We can't just untie him. Everyone will see the humey's missing.

Frank, remember back at Shopwell's when a… when a food got chosen off a shelf,

someone would come by and immediately replace them with the exact same food?

Yes, I obviously remember that.

And that is a lovely walk down memory lane,

but I really think we need to focus on how the fuck we're gonna…

Oh!

♪ I heard from two leeks you went off to date her ♪

♪ You’re not a meat, you’re just a tater ♪

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Olive-ia Rodrigo, everybody.

Oof, I would not want to be the tater that wronged that olive.

Shit, shit, shit.

We need to hurry. How are we supposed to move this thing?

Maybe we could pilot one through the cockpit like Barry did?

- How? They're all dead. - I don't know.

Oh, maybe one of them has a little juice left in it.

- You know, we don't need it to go far. - Worth a shot.

Nothing. A dud.

All right, all right, all right.

Now's the moment you've all been waiting for.

My show-stopping performance coupled with…

the ceremonial lightning of the humey!

- Oh, shit. - Shit, Sammy's grand finale.

We gotta hurry.

Old hunk o' junk.

Wait, did you hear that?

I think we got a live one.

- Yes! - I'm going in.

I’m going… I’m doing it! I’m in there.

- Is he going? - No, no.

No, nothing yet, but keep going, honey, you've got this.

Move your hands around. Just start grabbin' things.

That's it, Frank. Come on!

Yes! Now get up in there and make me proud.

Yes!

Shit!

It's moving!

I think I'm doing it!

♪ Bag of flour, bag of chips ♪

♪ Creamy mushroom, tub of dip ♪

♪ One tomato, two potato Yellow brick of cheese ♪

♪ Eggplant, chocolate bar Berry jam in a jar ♪

♪ Watermelon, apple, lemon Frozen bag of peas ♪

♪ We're gonna start a fire ♪

♪ What a thing of beauty When we cook a humey ♪

♪ We're gonna start a fire ♪

Shit, we don't have enough time.

Then I'll buy us some.

♪ Meatloaf, parmesan Sweet relish, Grey Poupon ♪

♪ Mozzarella, mortadella ♪

♪ Cinnamon sticks ♪

♪ Cauliflower, cantaloupe Jumbo sized licorice rope ♪

♪ Beef jerky, turkey And assorted trail mix ♪

♪ We're gonna start a fire ♪

♪ What a fun occasion For the food persuasion ♪

Brenda, you are good.

You are goddamn good.

♪ Rosemary, thyme and sage Sammy's on the center stage ♪

♪ Your attention fills my hole ♪

- ♪ Hey! Keep your eyes on me ♪ - Huh?

♪ We're gonna start a fire ♪

♪ What a fun occasion for the food persuasion ♪

- ♪ We're gonna start a... - What the fuck?

Psst! The flame's out.

I gotta relight it. Can you improv a couple more verses?

Hey, does a beet leave your junk red after you fuck it?

♪ Can o' tuna, can o' beans Cauliflower, mixed greens ♪

♪ Yellow mustard, pie custard Bagel from the bin ♪

- Yeah! - ♪ Soda pop, cough drop ♪

♪ Hey, check out that muffin top ♪

♪ Rum, whiskey, bottle gin Can't forget the pumpkin ♪

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy… Wait, is it "hallow" or "hallowed"?

Oh, fuck. Uh… uh, okay.

Hail Mary, son of… a bitch! Okay. What-what are the words?

I can't remember any prayers! I'm going to die a sinner!

- Not today. - Huh?

Oh, no, the bath salts are melting my brain.

Oh, it's you.

- Did you bring me water? - What? No.

Brenda, I'm almost in place.

Oh, we gotta do this now!

Huh?

Prop him up.

Who is that guy? Can I have his shirt?

Right ball!

Whoa!

Left ball.

Whoa!

Wow!

Frank, curtain's up!

Hot, hot! Hot fire, hot fire!

No! Little hot dog! You don’t have to go in my…

♪ The humey is on fire ♪

♪ We can hear him searing While the food is cheering ♪

♪ As the flames lick higher and higher ♪

♪ Everybody's watching me It's all about the Sammy ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪ - Sammy! Sammy!

This is great! Frank, Brenda, get up here.

Frank? Brenda?

Aah!

Will you watch it? Wow, this guy's a klutz!

I'm not in control of this.

Oh, oh.

Barry made this look a lot easier than it is. He's like an ass savant.

I can't thank you enough for saving me back there.

They say fire's one of the worst ways to go.

We did it.

Yeah!

We did the right thing, right?

Yeah, definitely. Right?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, you two should feel really good about yourselves right now.

Look, I feel a bit awkward saying this to food,

but I haven't eaten in a long time.

I'm not gonna be much help to you if I starve to death.

So, uh, those talking breads sounded pretty tasty.

So did the macaroni.

I'm not picky. I'd eat any of those musical acts.

I don't want to be greedy. I'm not asking for the headliner.

I know the bagel's your friend.

An opening act, a roadie. Anything.

You two can make the call.

So, what do you say, huh?