Original subtitles

♪ Foodtopia ♪

Help! Anybody.

What the fuck is going on? Where is everyone?

Am I gonna... Am I gonna...

No, no, you'll be fine, JD. You're going to be just fine.

Just hang on, all right? Medic!

Holy shit, what happened to this guy?

- How much jelly does he have left? - Tough to say.

It looks like most of his jelly's on the outside.

Which seems objectively bad.

- I don't think he's going to make it. - What?

- Shh! Don't tell him that! - I can... hear.

Wow. You can hear that?

Your senses are really firing on all cylinders.

That's a sure sign you'll pull through if I ever saw one.

Uh, here, let me try something.

Okay, that was a bad idea.

- Is that, uh... - It's a bite mark.

It's a humey bite mark.

That's right. I found one. And he took hostages.

- Yes, perfect! - That's amazing.

Not the hostage part. That's bad and we're obviously concerned.

We desperately need this humey.

What do you mean, "need a humey"?

What the hell are you all doing in here?

The roof is on the brink of collapse.

Oh, yeah? You can kiss the brink of my big, beautiful butthole.

We're not coming out.

Yeah, we know the ceiling is slowly collapsing,

but we don't know when the ceiling outside will attack us again.

It could happen now!

- Or now! - Or now.

- Or now. - Okay, I get it. Yes, There's uncertainty.

- Or now. - See?

We need the humey to tell us what the deal with this falling water is,

or these idiots are gonna stay until they get crushed to death.

Yeah, right.

But as soon as you get your answer,

I'm killing the motherfucker.

- Follow your bliss. - I don't give a shit.

Hey, Sammy. We're heading out for another grand adventure. You in or what?

Oh, yeah, sure. Or better yet, you know, why don't you

just dump a pitcher of water on my yeast-leavened body

and save me the anxiety of wondering which protracted

and horrible way I'm going to die.

Oh, shit. You know what, Brenda? He's right. You're a bun going outside...

Way ahead of you. Just have to make one more quick adjustment.

Ah! There we go.

Bath salts? Check!

Spears? Check.

Bandana? Check.

Uh, can we get bandanas?

Well I... I only have one. And it’s sort of my thing.

It’s not like a team look or anything.

Slap him. Stab him like this!

Slice him. Give him one of these. Give him some of that.

Back on a humey hunt!

Once again, ask questions first, kill second, right?

Before we kill swiftly and without mercy...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. I got it.

Now, I'm not even sure that this humey will know what the fuck ceiling water is.

- They're dumber than you think. - They can't be that dumb.

They built a whole society that's lasted for generations.

I spent a whole day with a humey before he chopped his own head off like a dummy.

You know their brains aren't in their heads, right? They’re in their butts.

- No, they're not. - Not this again.

You saw with your own eyes what Douche did to the Dark Lord,

If you stick your head into their butts your brain overpowers theirs.

Why? Because their brains are in their butts.

Whoa!

Turn right!

Left!

Barry, what you're saying sounds ridiculous.

There's nothing ridiculous about it. That's how it works.

You slide up into a humey's cockpit, which is the pit under the cock. Right?

And you control their every move.

- Oh, shit. - What, what, what do you see?

I-I just told you.

We honor our fallen comrades. You fought bravely.

A little respect.

May we never forget Corn Niblets,

Kale. Celery. Whatever that is...

Cra-cranberries, I think. Maybe beets. I'm not quite sure.

- It's fresh and wet-ish. - Mm hm.

- OK, great. - And it's...

super stanky also.

- It's just... Here, sniff. - No, we're good.

All this to say, the humey must be close.

I love the smell of bath salts in the morning. Don't you?

Honestly, I mostly just smell shit.

Oh, the fridge is busted.

Ah!

That one’s not!

There's no more room up here.

Please! We’ll melt!

Oh, oh.

Um, excuse me. Hi. Do you think you could help...?

Where'd you get the new tooth, Julius?

Some dumb pack of rice dropped it.

Pretty sure it was minute rice. That’s how long it took for them to wash away

- and leave behind this little beaut’. - Julius, you are bad.

Yeah, but I make bad look good. Don't I?

Come on now. Ha! Ha!

Watch out.

This place sucks.

These meanies are just gonna keep stepping all over me.

Do you mind? It's so loud,

I-I can't even hear my own self-hating thoughts.

Wouldn't that be a good thing?

Excuse me, was I talking to you, Cheesecake, you dense son of a bitch?

Ha! How's it feel now you got marsca-POWNED?

Hey, you're funny. Now do me!

Oh, yeah? Do you?

I don't think so, butter face.

Look at you. You can't even get hard without a fridge.

Hey, how's it feel to be unsalted and insulted?

All right, let's see what else I got.

A cucumber, a tomato and a kalamata olive walk into a salad bar...

One, two, three, four...

Whoa!

- What does the branch tell you? - Oh, nothing. I just think it looks cool.

I just wanted to touch it.

Yeah. She's still cold with light bubbles.

That means the humey is close.

Is anybody out there?

All right, it's one humey versus three of us.

- I like those odds. - Me and Frank will subdue it,

hit it with the bath salts,

which will tear down the walls of communication between our species.

Really feel like we've established that, but why not say it again?

Just to be clear. And then extract the information

while Barry frees the hostages.

Fuckin' dry-ass chips...

Unhand me, you monster!

Oh, God! Dip's gonna have his creamy brains scooped out

unless we move in now.

What the fuck?

- What made the water fall?! - What?

What makes big water fall from the ceiling, big man?

Who sends big water from above that kills everybody?!

- Is this a riddle? - When will it come back?

I don't know.

Shit!

Help!

It’s about to trample us. Kill it!

- We don’t have our answers yet! - Just don’t get stepped on!

Is the water poisonous? Do you have a spell to stop it?

- Is it a god pissing on us? - Does the water come on a schedule?

Do you have the schedule? Can I have the schedule?

What the fuck, Barry, we needed that humey to get information.

Well, we got some. And that information is...

I still got it, baby.

What?

It was gonna kill us. I had to act fast.

He's not fully dead, by the way. I mean, you can keep asking.

Sir, if you could just stop screaming and wiggling for a second,

we need you to answer some questions.

Oh, great. Fantastic.

What a waste of time.

Aside from all the liberated foods, yeah. Welcome!

You know, the apocalypse has been tough, but at least I have you and Richie.

I mean, three is, like, the perfect number for a crew to have.

I mean, think about it. Three Musketeers Three's Company, "Three Blind Mice."

Oh, God! Oh, Richie’s on fire! Oh, it’s happening again!

Oh, fucker!

- There's more! - Yes!

Oh.

Hit ‘em with the bath bombs!

Don't breathe it in.

Oh, it's too late. Some of it went up my nose already!

- Hey, humey, over here! - Ah.

Get him!

Ah!

Ah!

Hammer throw!

Hammer throw! Under the leg!

Jack!

We can take them! They’re only food!

I can't. I'm having a panic attack.

I have the heart poundies.

Oh, fuck, run!

You're okay, Jack. Just hide in here, wait it out.

This bad trip's gotta end.

You can do this, Barry. There's your window, baby.

Here we go.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Aah!

I'm plugged in.

What is happening to me?

Holy shit, he's really doing it.

Yeah!

Jack, what are you doing?

I don't know! There's a hot dog up my ass!

What do you mean?

I just told you, there is a hot dog up my asshole!

- And it's controlling me. - How!

By pulling on my nuts, like Ratatouille!

I don't want to be doing any of this.

Well, pull it out of there.

I can't. That would require use of my hands

and they're not obeying my commands to them.

Try pushing it out! Like, like, with your butt muscles!

Push.

- It’s Lamaze, man. - It's not working.

Okay. I'm going to help you. Oh, this might hurt.

- How is that helping me? - I'm trying to knock you out.

Ow!

Shit, he's going down.

Not today.

Ah!

Jack, look with you make me do.

Again, I did not make you do anything.

It's the hot dog.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

How's that, you son of a bitch?

I can't see! I'm flying blind, baby!

Aah!

I'm sorry Jack, but I got to chop that little guy out of your butt!

No! Barry!

Hey, you leave our friend inside your friend's butt alone!

Hey, get-get off of me!

Jump!

No, no, no!

Sorry!

Donny, get up.

Oh, God.

Look what you made me do.

Aah! Please, please, don't hurt me.

I'll do whatever you want.

Where's my bandana?

You know, lots of orgies happening lately.

You seen those? You been in those? Anyone here ever fucked a pear

and then get confused when there’s only one of them?

You know, I recently slept with some bananas.

I guess you could say I've been fucking a bunch.

Anyone think it’s weird they’re called “dates”

when they can never seem to get one?

Face it, fellas, the shriveled look is out.

Okay, I had a threesome with a chicken tender and an egg.

Couldn't figure out which one came first.

All I know is they both came before me.

Selfish lovers, both of them.

Unlike Chowder, who’s a shellfish lover.

Where’s my seafood at?!

Oh, you know, typical. I was killing, and now we're all gonna die.

Oh!

A humey!

Hey, you guys!

- Is he trying to save us? - Don't give him too much credit.

I'm controlling this dumb prick through his ass.

It sounds crazy, I know, but it really works.

See?

Run! What are you waiting for?

The outside isn’t safe either!

Tell him what you told us.

Water that fell from the sky is called "rain".

It doesn't happen here often, even less so due to the ongoing drought.

It's actually a huge problem, you see, but it always comes down to...

- Aah! - Stop using words we don't know!

Okay, sorry. It's unclear what you do and don't know.

Okay, the thing that you call "the ceiling" is really a sky,

and the falling water is called rain.

What?

It only comes when you see those big fluffy things

that float around up there that sort of look like a... Oh, a marshmallow.

There you go. If the sky's blue it’s cool, if it’s grey, stay away. Get the fuck out!

- It's blue now. - So it's cool.

Oh!

We gotta run. We're gonna die!

We're not gonna die.

Not today!

Okay, well, looks like Shopwell's is officially closed, huh?

Yeah, and that's a good thing,

because we never belonged in there in the first place.

We belong over there.

See? It's nicer.

Yeah, I know we got off to a bit of a traumatic start.

- But we're back, Foodtopia. - Now, go forth. Find homes.

Do anything you want.

Well, you know, I guess that’s a wrap on Sammy.

So, uh, what happens to me now?

Well, we got what we needed out of you, so honestly, you're in Barry's hands now.

That's a toughie. I mean, I'm obviously going to kill you, but how?

Do I shove a hotdog-shaped rock up your ass,

tie your nuts together, autopilot you off a cliff, or something more creative?

Like make more of a big show out of it kind of thing?

That one! The big show one. Yes.

The kind every single food in town would attend

to watch you do what you do best: kill this prick.

- That does sound pretty cool. - And, of course, you know,

there would need to be a dazzling performance

to keep the foods' attention rapt prior to the grand finale.

And that's where I come in.

It's okay. This isn't real, this isn't real.

A bagel and a hotdog aren't planning a festival around your public execution.

No, this is just another one of your post-Thanksgiving turkey nightmares.

Oh, the nightmare's just begun for you, bitch.

Aah!

Wake up, Jack.

Wake up, Jack.

Wake up.

Where're you taking me?

Everyone else is out there finding a place to live, so I wanted to surprise you.

Okay. Open your eyes.

Oh! A tree.

Cool. I love it.

Look up, you big dope.

How did you find this place?

During the war, I killed one of the small humeys up here.

Aw, you decorated it.

Okay, look, I know this is technically in the dark zone,

but I thought it'd be nice to have a quiet place for just the two of us.

It's perfect.

You've made me the happiest little sausage in town.

We did it.

We really did.

From this point on, and you can remind me later I said this,

I think things are going to be absolutely perfect.

Mine! This is mine!

I live here now. I got here before you.

I got here before you. I got here before you and you and you!

It's mine. It’s mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

This is all mine. And you can't come in.

It's mine.

It's mine! Beat it, eggs.

Mine!

Out of my way, small potatoes.

Whoa!

- Mine! - Mine!

- Mine! - Mine!

Mine!