Original subtitles

[???]

NICOLE: Cute, huh?

This is my dad. And this is my dad.

How'd I get two dads? They inherited me.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Here's the judge who brought us together.

She lives in our building. My building. I own it.

NICOLE: we're one big happy family

with one dad who's down to earth

and one dad with his head in the clouds.

I-I think we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

I'm stuck on this question.

Yeah, that's a hard one.

Go ahead, read it again.

"You leave the disco in your date's Ferrari.

"He drives you home and walks you to your door.

"Gazing deeply into your eyes, he asks

"if he may kiss you good night.

What should you say?"

Touch me and my father will rip your face off.

That's correct, Dad.

WOMAN [DISTANTLY]: Legs! Legs?

Hey, Legs!

[CHUCKLES] That's my date.

I gotta run.

Thanks for watching Nicole, Dana. You're an angel.

Oh, no problem. What are neighbors for?

Ooh, that face, I miss it already. Ooh.

Good night, Dad. Good night.

Anybody need anything?

Just go. JOEY: All right.

Bye.

Good evening, Joey.

There's a delightful young lady

standing in front of my building calling out:

"I want you, I want you now, the love train is boarding."

Would you know anything about this?

Me? Gosh, no, judge.

I can ask around for you.

I'll handle it.

Sorry to be a bother. No bother.

Good night.

All right, I'm on my way outta here now.

Okay? Everybody's comfortable? You happy?

It's a little chilly in here. You need a blanket?

Leave.

I'm leaving. Bye.

Have a good time, Legs.

How come Joey doesn't bring his dates

up to the apartment? Come on.

Oh.

I gotta be one of the two dumbest dads you've got.

Michael. What are you doing home so early?

I left with my date for a 7:00 dinner

at this quaint little over-priced nouveau-shlock,

lines around the block,

$20-extra-for-a-lousy- cloth-napkin restaurant,

and I forget my wallet.

I don't know.

Where's your date?

Oh, my God. I left her in the cab. I need my wallet.

I gotta buy her back.

Michael?

I paid for the cab driver myself.

Robin. Come on in. Come on in.

Meet my family. Meet my daughter.

Your daughter?

This is Nicole.

Nicole. Hi.

Uh, pleased to meet you.

You have a daughter. Yeah, isn't she terrific?

I-- You two are gonna be great friends.

Oh...

Come on. Come on, I'll tell you all about her over dinner.

Uh, Michael, wait. Now, what's wrong?

You didn't tell me you had a daughter.

Yeah.

Well, you just don't get this, do you?

I don't get what?

This changes everything.

You didn't tell me

you had a daughter when you asked me out.

Would it have made Yes.

You're serious? Of course I'm serious.

Michael, I don't want a family.

I don't even want a dog. Wait, wait, wait.

You're gonna love her.

You two, you'll hang out together.

You'll be like mother and daughter.

This isn't helping, is it?

Goodbye, Michael.

Uh, what happened?

Nothing. Nothing happened.

But your date just left.

Yeah. She was tired.

It was because of me, wasn't it?

No, no, no. She's a jerk.

Jerks get tired really easy.

So Michael, if you're going to be home,

I guess you won't be needing me anymore.

Uh, no. Thanks, Dana.

Wait. I know.

I cordially invite you to join Dana and me

for our Saturday night ritual,

commonly known as Pigging Out On Banana Splits.

I don't know. Is there a dress code involved, or what?

You need a wallet.

Dana, where would I be without you?

In a cab with a jerk.

Why go out with some woman who doesn't appreciate you,

when Dana's right here and you're perfect for each other?

[???]

[MICHAEL, DANA & NICOLE LAUGHING]

Shh, we'll wake the neighbors.

Wait. I am the neighbors.

No, no. I can't stand it. My stomach is broken.

Oh, and whose fault is that, Miss Two-Banana-Splits?

Now what can we eat?

Oh, no. It's way past your bedtime.

Throw up and go to sleep.

Okay. Good night, everybody.

Good night. Sleep tight.

You know, you two look good together.

Good night.

[GIGGLES] the Nicole seal of approval.

Yeah, but that's not enough. I want a dowry.

Tell your father I need cattle.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I really had a good time tonight.

Yeah, I did too. Thanks for letting me tag along.

Well.

Let go. The date is over.

Good evening, Michael.

Good evening, Dana.

You and Nicole have fun tonight?

Yeah. JOEY: Good.

Is she asleep?

Uh-huh. Like I should be.

Hey, don't leave on my account.

Dana, wait one second.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MICHAEL & DANA LAUGHING]

Bye-bye. Good night.

Hey, hey.

What's all that about?

What was all what about?

All that nudge, nudge, wink, wink stuff at the door.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong,

but that was not the date you started out with tonight.

That's correct. My date dumped me.

Ah, that must be humiliating.

You wait. It's gonna happen to you too, Joey.

'Cause you've got what I've got. A kid.

Robin dumped me because I've got a kid.

And I understand that because I used to be the same way.

I'd date a woman, go back to her place,

and if I saw a Smurf, goodbye.

And now, and now here I am, and I'm someone with a kid.

Are we all out of Count Chocula?

Two kids.

Let's face the facts, Joey.

We are no longer college boys on the make.

We're fathers. We have responsibilities.

And there's a new kind of woman we have to start seeing.

The kind that likes Nicole.

Is that why you're seeing Dana?

I'm not seeing Dana. We just, you know.

She's the type of person I'm talking about, but--

She's like a cousin.

Dana is the girl next door. Dana is Gidget.

So why are you so sensitive about you and Gidget?

I'm not sensitive.

I just went out with her for the first time tonight.

And it wasn't even going out.

It was more like the sharing of fudge.

So it's not me and Dana.

It's me

and Dana.

Do you get the picture?

What?

[???]

DANA: Okay, open wide.

Ah. Now taste.

Mmm. Chicken piccata.

Chicken piccata. This is unbelievable.

This is-- And nobody defrosted it,

nobody delivered it, two wonderful people made it

for me with ingredients and heat.

I just want to eat this and die.

Hey, what smells so good?

Dinner. For me.

Again?

Dana is a great cook.

And wait'll you taste her pecan pie.

Which is in my oven, and probably done.

Nicole, why don't I go get it, and you wash up for dinner.

Consider me washed.

Joey, can you join us for dinner?

Oh, no? That's too bad. Maybe some other time.

No thanks, I had a big breakfast.

See, that worked out good.

[SIGHS] Joey, Joey, Joey.

This. This is what you call a life.

So now you and Dana are you and Dana, huh?

I used to think relationships were hard.

I thought you had to work at relationships.

This relationship is so good, I didn't even know I had it.

I'm happy for you, Michael.

Dana and I, we're like a couple of kids.

We go to the park, we go to the zoo.

Any place in town with balloons,

we've been there. It's wonderful.

Sounds comfortable.

Yeah.

What do you mean, comfortable? Huh?

I said it's wonderful. You said it's comfortable.

I meant comfortable in the least boring sense.

That's not better.

Michael, it's your life. Do what you want with it.

You shouldn't listen to me anyway

because I only get you angry.

Why are you doing this, Joey?

Why? Dana and I have something wonderful here.

This is about not getting any chicken piccata isn't it?

I don't see any you and Dana. I see you, Dana and Nicole.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, if that's what you're looking for.

That's what I'm looking for.

Good. Hey, the zoo, the park, balloons, oh, my.

That's okay with you and Nicole.

But you and Dana, you oughta

find places where there's people your own height.

I think maybe you're a little bit jealous

because you're on the outside of a great relationship.

There is no relationship.

Two is a relationship. Three is the Supremes.

You don't know anything about this woman.

I know everything about this woman.

Who's her favorite author? Her favorite group?

Have you ever been alone with her?

Wait, wait, wait. When you say alone, how alone?

I mean, just the two of you, Michael.

I know that's a radical concept,

but one you're gonna have to explore

when Nicole goes off to summer camp,

and Mommy and Daddy have to become man and woman.

DANA: I need a little help out here.

[???]

I've got dessert.

Where's Nicole?

Let's put the pie down.

What's going on?

More pie for us.

You kissed me.

You seem surprised. Which is an interesting response.

Just not the one I had in mind.

Well, what did you have in mind, Michael?

I mean, why did you bring me to my place?

I brought you here because--

I brought you here because I have to know something.

What?

Okay. You and I have become very close very fast, so...

So you know. Naturally, the question arises.

Uh, who's your favorite group?

What?

Group. Who's your favorite group?

Well, religious or political?

Singing. Just say the Beatles.

I like classical music.

No, you don't. No.

Forget that question, forget it, we'll move on.

Who's your favorite author? It would be Hemingway.

It's Hemingway, right? Steinbeck.

Just say Hemingway Steinbeck.

This is really a great place. It really is.

Why is everything beige?

Michael, what's come over you?

Why did you bring me here? Why did you kiss me?

Because I'm not hungry anymore, Dana.

We've got to stop eating sometime. You know?

You cook and you cook and you cook and I see you

standing there with a pie. So I have a choice.

I can eat the pie or I can kiss your face.

Did you make the right choice?

I'm attracted to you, Dana.

I'm almost positive. I--

[STAMMERS] I'm trying to explain

that I have a mental but also a physical attraction

to your presence.

And you're not an unattractive example of womanhood.,

and I myself am not exactly slug vomit.

What don't you understand?

Jane Austen. What?

Is my favorite author. I don't care.

I don't really care about her.

I care about us. You and me.

[STAMMERING] I mean, what, what are we?

Would we ever share a toothbrush?

Do you like me at all? What?

I like you. Okay. Good.

All right, so that's a start.

So what we have, then, is a mutual lack of repulsion. Good.

Which is better than most of my relatives.

Can we go back to dinner now?

No. No, no, no, no. Not yet.

You're not going anywhere.

I have to know how you felt about the kiss.

Now, on a scale of one to two,

because I don't really need an ego beating right now.

Well-- Nah, nah.

The sun was in my eyes. That didn't count.

I was off-balance for the whole kiss.

That was not my best work. No.

Michael, it was fine.

Fine?

It was fine? No, no, no, no. Fine.

Fine is not what you want to hear after "How was my kiss?"

No. Fine is like:

"How's your uncle?"

"He's fine."

Fine is: "Hey, how's that new roofing material?" "It's fine."

You know, but fine, fine is not good.

Fine. Fine is just fine.

What do you want me to say?

I don't want to want to tell you what to say.

I would like you to be honest.

And use the word "volcano."

I guess I just never thought of us that way, Michael.

I would like to try another kiss.

You would? Yeah, because that-- That kiss,

that was the one that everybody gets...

But this one I've been saving in the back especially for you.

[BOTH SIGH]

BOTH: Nothing.

Maybe we should save some of this for Dana and Michael.

Nah, they don't want any. They're busy.

They're busy?

You know they're busy.

Yeah, I know they're busy.

How busy do I know they are?

They're busy falling in love.

Aha. That's just what I knew.

And it's about time. What?

I've been trying to leave them alone together

for the past three weeks.

They take me to the movies, I go to the bathroom.

A restaurant, I go to the bathroom.

The circus, I go to the bathroom.

I go to the bathroom so much

I don't know why they don't take me to the hospital.

Hey, you know, you just can't throw two people together,

and expect that you're gonna build a solid relationship

like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

I mean, you gotta find two potatoes that are in love.

They are in love.

They have to be in love.

I owe him.

What do you mean, you owe him?

I owe him a girlfriend.

What are you talking about?

You know, that Robin girl left him on account of me.

Oh...

Nah, she would've left him sooner or later anyway.

Well, Dana's not going to leave him.

They're perfect for each other.

Yeah. What makes you so sure?

Hey, I brought you two guys together, didn't I?

Good night.

Have good dreams.

You too, Dad. All right.

You ever have one of those nights?

I've had 'em all. That good or that bad?

Never have a man and woman had less in common than Dana and me.

You're kidding.

You've been gone three hours. What have you been doing?

Mostly apologizing.

For what?

For pushing something that never

should have been pushed.

Why did you push me?

Hey, don't blame me because you couldn't make the sparks fly.

I just told you to take a look

at what kind of relationship you had without Nicole.

Well, we took a look.

And we have absolutely nothing between us.

Except Nicole.

But isn't that the best start?

I mean, shouldn't we be able to build something on that?

Michael, let me tell you about my night.

I spent it with Nicole and a pecan pie.

And it was the best pecan pie I ever had.

So?

So I hate pecan pie.

So? So I ate it with Nicole.

Don't you get it? Look. You don't love Dana.

You love Nicole.

You love her so much that there's a little left over

for anybody else who happens to be around.

I know because I feel the same way.

I mean, how do you think you and I

manage to live under the same roof?

Good point.

Joey made a good point.

This changes everything.

Now up is down. East is west.

Joey is wise.

Take me now.

Michael, do you know how important it is to Nicole

that this thing works out with you and Dana?

Why?

You could love Dana if you wanted to.

Just you tell her that you love her

and she loves you and you both love me.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Nicole, it's not all my fault.

She doesn't love me either.

What?

Honey, I know this is going to come as a big shock,

but not every woman in the world is in love with your fathers.

What?

I'm sorry, Joe.

I didn't mean for you to find out this way.

You didn't try hard enough.

I tried my brains out.

It-- It's not there, Nicole.

So, what's gonna happen to me?

What?

Michael...

If you and Dana don't work out,

you're going to keep bringing these women home, like Robin.

Who won't like you because I'm around.

Pretty soon you won't like me because I'm around.

Nicole. That--

Is that what you think?

You-- You are so way off.

I mean, that is-- That is in the sky.

That is out there.

That-- That is on Pluto.

In the back.

Hey, here is the truth. Right here.

I love you.

Come out of the sky. Listen to me.

Any woman I love has to love you too.

We're a set.

Does she have to love Joey too?

No.

[???]

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