Original subtitles

[???]

NICOLE: Cute, huh?

This is my dad. And this is my dad.

How'd I get two dads? They inherited me.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Here's the judge who brought us together.

She lives in our building. My building. I own it.

NICOLE: we're one big happy family.

One dad who's down to earth

and one dad with his head in the clouds.

I-I think we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

I knew this loft was a seven iron.

Hey, since when do you play golf?

I just bought these. Why?

Joey, we have a little girl now.

We have a responsibility to live a long time.

'Cause I want to be there to see her get married.

I want to be there to see her have children.

I want to be there to say,

"Hey, will ya call your father once in a while?"

You play golf, you get to be old.

How do you figure that?

Who's on the golf course?

Ten thousand old guys with funny hats and white belts.

And they're always talking about their grandchildren.

That's where I want to be someday.

Let me see if I got this straight.

A rich guy walks into your office. Potential client.

He's short, bald, plays golf.

And now you got a new hobby.

He's not bald.

[CORKSCREW SQUEAKS]

Besides, golf is great exercise, and I'm gonna outlive you.

Yeah, well, you exercise your way, I'll exercise mine.

Why? Where you going? I got a date.

Ooh, I can smell. Oh, yeah?

What? Too much cologne?

Not if you take separate cabs.

I gotta tell you about this woman.

Oh, please do, because you know,

I'm gonna be watching Porky's II

on the Spanish channel tonight,

so hearing about the evening

of heavy breathing you've got planned

would really cheer me up.

She's a co-pilot for an airline. She's flying out at 1 a.m.

No time to waste, you know what I mean?

You got dinner on this flight?

Yeah. She's waiting for me down at Klawicki's.

She only comes through town two, three times a year,

so we've got a lot to catch up on.

Two or three times a year?

Joe, are you sure you want to tie yourself down like this?

Good night, Nicole.

NICOLE: Good night, Joey!

Hey, don't grow up while I'm gone.

NICOLE: I won't.

[IMITATES SPORTSCASTER] of the '88 Masters

live from Augusta, Georgia.

Michael Taylor is shooting for the coveted green jacket

to go with his white belt and funny hat.

But he finds himself in a spot of trouble

here on the 18th, stuck in a loft in SoHo

1200 miles from the cup.

His only hope, a very difficult chip shot around the couch,

out the window, and onto the wing of a passing Boeing 747.

The crowd falls silent.

[PHONE RINGING] I got it!

It's for me! I got it! Don't pick it up. My phone!

Hello? Yes.

Just one moment, please.

Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine.

I'll just take this in my room.

By myself.

All alone.

Taylor tells himself it's none of his business.

It's her life. He shouldn't interfere.

He has a tournament to win.

Ooh, a nasty slice.

And a bad lie, right in front of his daughters' door.

NICOLE [MUFFLED]: to the phone right now.

She's...just in the bathroom.

Yeah. That should be fine. Bye.

[NORMALLY] Found it.

You know, Nicole, there's nobody in the bathroom.

I was in there recently, and nobody said hello.

You heard me on the phone?

Well, I happened to overhear.

No, I didn't overhear. I was listening.

I'm your father and that's allowed.

Now, what's going on?

Did you ever see Romeo and Juliet?

Not in our bathroom.

Okay, I have this new friend, Cindy. She's 13.

Juliet was 13 and Romeo was 14,

and the only person who knew of their love

was Friar Laurence, and he tried to help them,

in spite of that Juliet's mother would have

killed her had she known she was out with Romeo.

Hmm, hmm. And tell me, Friar Laurence,

Where does Juliet's mom think her daughter is tonight?

Doing homework with me.

And is she?

No.

So you lied.

To her, not to you.

Yes, but you lied.

But Cindy asked me to.

But Cindy is not my daughter.

My job as your father is to ignore Cindy and focus on you.

Joey's job as your father is to help me decide exactly

how you're gonna be punished.

I'd handle it myself but then I'd be the only one yelling.

[???]

Oh, I can't believe this.

You dragged me away from the perfect date.

This better be good. Now what?

Go ahead. Tell your father what.

My friend Cindy is out with her boyfriend,

and her mother doesn't like him.

So I told her Cindy was with me tonight.

So?

What do you mean, so?

I mean so. So what? So what's the big deal.

So we can probably forget the whole thing

because it's two against one.

No, it's not. Because one of the two is gonna go to her room.

Now. Let's go. Get up to your room now. Let's go.

Hey, come on. Don't get all crazy on her over nothing.

She's just covering for a friend.

I used to do this all the time.

I see. May I ask how your father handled that?

Yeah, he punished me.

Why do you think he did that?

I think he liked it.

Why else would I get punished for being a good friend?

Joey, she lied.

No, she lied to some girl's mother.

She didn't lie to you.

Why am I the only one

who doesn't think this deserves praise?

Because you're the one that wants to punish Nicole

because some woman can't control her own daughter.

I don't want to punish her but I think we may have to.

What'll it be? You want to ground her, spank her,

or have her arrested?

I think we should at least talk to her.

Okay, Ward. But go easy on the Beav.

Nicole. Come down here, please.

Oh, great. She looks like she's about to be executed.

[PHONE RINGS]

There's the governor with a pardon.

Hello. Hi.

Good, I'm glad.

No. No problem.

Great, yeah.

See you then. Bye.

That was Cindy.

[SIGHS] and everything's fine.

This doesn't change a thing.

[CHUCKLES] Of course not.

Look.

You shouldn't cover for people.

Cindy could have gotten in trouble.

I know she didn't, but she could have.

And don't be popular with Cindy

if it means that you have to lie to her mother.

And one more thing.

You don't think of me as the mean, punishing one,

and him as the easy, nice one, do you?

For now.

Tomorrow, we're shopping for a puppy.

JOEY: Flies an airplane ?

? She flies me to the moon ?

? My baby flies an airplane ?

? To the moon ?

Hey, how ya doing? I'm beat.

Hey, tough day converting dollars to yen, huh?

The market was down. I had to file three bankruptcies.

Then some guy wants to know

how to live on $8000 for the rest of his life.

I told him I could help, but it would cost him 12 grand.

Hey, you think you had a tough day?

I just spent six hours painting that chair.

I just saw a $500 suit flash before my eyes.

Where's Nicole?

She went to the movies with a friend.

I don't want to start this But.

Last night, Nicole did wrong,

now we're letting her go out with friends?

How do we know we made an impression?

Hey, you talked to her. She listened. Everything's okay.

[PHONE RINGING] I'll get it.

Hello.

Hi, Nicole.

Hey, how ya doing? Movie over already?

What?

Why not?

You what?

What? What did she what?

How did this happen?

How did what happen?

All right. Where are you now? Where is she?

Give me the address of where you are.

[WHISPERS] Give me something.

Okay.

Uh-huh. Okay, I got it.

Fiddle, fill...

Joe, I can't read your handwriting.

Fort Lee. No, you stay put. We're on our way right now.

Fort Lee? What is she doing in New Jersey?

She didn't see a movie.

Cindy's friend drove them

to somebody's house at a party in Fort Lee.

Oh, man, no parents and high school boys.

Okay, all right, don't panic.

We used to be high school boys too. Remember?

Hey, hey, let's just keep in mind

what it was like when a couple of parents

showed up at our high school parties.

Okay. Everybody gets a little nervous, so keep it cool.

Is it okay to knock now

or is that going to put them over the edge?

Because I'm only thinking of them now.

[CLACKS DOOR KNOCKER]

Yeah?

Joe, who's supposed to be nervous again? Him or me?

We came to pick up our daughter.

We're fathers.

I don't think he's impressed, Joe.

I think he ate his father.

So you just stay right there

because you're doing a terrific job.

[SULTRY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Nicole? Wrong.

Anything I can do for you gentlemen?

Yes. Nicole Bradford. Where is she?

Who is she? With all due respect.

MAN: Hey.

Please don't handle my guests.

She happens to be our 12-year-old daughter.

I can assure you, sir, if she is 12 years old,

she is not authorized to be here.

Nicole.

Nicole? Nicole Bradford?

That's right.

I drew her name out of the hat.

What?

What's my daughter's name doing in a hat?

Well, that's a funny story.

You see, we were playing this charming little game,

and apparently Nicole misunderstood the rules.

Keep talking. Thank you.

You see, the ladies all put their name in a hat,

from which the gentlemen each draw a name.

Then each couple retires to the closet, where they spend--

Seven minutes in heaven.

Uh-huh.

Who's she in there with?

No one, sir. She's playing the game all wrong.

Nicole. We're here.

She locked it.

Nicole, we know you're in there. Now, answer me.

Joey, our little girl is locked in a closet

in New Jersey, and she won't talk to us.

I think we should consider our next move very carefully.

You come out of there right now.

NICOLE: No.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

NICOLE: I'm afraid to come out.

You're mad. You'll kill me.

[SIGHS]

Nicole, you can't live in the closet forever.

NICOLE: and a phone.

Listen, sweetheart, look.

Look, we were mad, but we're not mad anymore.

Okay, now, you come out of there and I won't yell at you.

NICOLE: Promise? Yes.

NICOLE: Cross your heart?

Honey, he's crossing his heart right now.

If you come out, you could see it.

Who is this?

You crossed your heart.

He crossed his heart.

I didn't cross nothin'.

We're gettin' outta here. Come on.

Well, thank you, gentlemen. You know your way out.

Bye, Cindy. Bye.

You're Cindy? Mm-hmm.

Say good night, Cindy. Good night.

[WHIMPERS]

[???]

MICHAEL: Sit in silence.

You don't think Cindy's mother is gonna want to know

what her little daughter did tonight, do you?

I think she will.

You're not gonna tell her, are you?

No, we're not.

You're gonna tell her.

Do I have to?

I think so. Don't you think so?

I think so.

I also think you should wash your face.

Bathroom's over there.

If soap doesn't work, we have a blow torch.

No, no, you sit down.

Now, just for us...

what happened tonight?

I thought we were going to the movies.

Then Cindy's boyfriend shows up,

and the next thing I know, we were at this party.

There was nothing I could do.

See, Joe, what happened was,

the two of them, Cindy and her boyfriend,

they tied Nicole into the back seat of the car,

and then they painted her face, and then they put in these

shredded grapey things in her hair, right.

And then they dragged her, kicking and screaming,

all the way to New Jersey.

There was nothing she could do.

Nicole, we trusted you.

All right. You're next in line for the sink.

Go ahead.

When that closet door opened,

and I saw a 19-year-old face on my daughter's head,

that's when I snapped.

She's gonna be 19 someday.

No, Joe. I don't think we can allow that.

What are we gonna do? Keep her from growing up?

If that's an option, I think we should explore it.

She's gonna be putting makeup on for real soon enough.

No. No, she's not.

It all starts with makeup.

What?

Follow me, Joe. Makeup, grow up.

Grow up, grow out. Grow out, make out.

Make out, makeup. We have to break the chain.

[DOORBELL BUZZES] I'll get it.

Just a minute.

Hi, I'm Sandy. Cindy's mother?

You must be the two fathers I've heard so much about.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi. Come on, honey. I'm double parked.

Thanks so much for taking care of my little girl.

Cindy.

Tell your mother the situation.

What's that? Ahem.

Look, Mom. I wasn't at the movies tonight.

I was at a party.

In New Jersey.

With boys.

[SIGHS] you told me.

Come on, sweetie, before they tow my car.

Can we stop for ice cream? Sure.

Look, Dad.

I wasn't really at the movies tonight.

I was at a party in New Jersey with boys.

Now, how 'bout that ice cream?

No ice cream. Not for you, and not for me.

The only one who gets ice cream here is Michael.

Why?

You're the only one who hasn't done anything wrong.

You wanted to punish her last night,

and I stopped you.

She deserves to be punished

just like I deserved to be punished when I was a kid.

My God. My father was right.

You're gonna punish me?

Yes.

You fellows raised in a barn?

You have to learn to shut a door.

Judge! Judge, judge. Come in.

Come in and have a cup of coffee.

WILBUR: Hi, sweetie.

What's going on?

We got a little private family situation here, judge.

It's no problem.

I can respect that.

What'd the kid do?

I'm new in school, I have no friends to talk to,

I'm on an island surrounded by nothingness.

And finally a hand reached out

and took me to a party in New Jersey,

and I forgot to tell my dads.

And you're going to punish her for this?

Yes. Yes.

Good boys.

Judge.

See you when you get out.

You gonna listen to her?

No, you are gonna listen to us.

We don't want you to be friends with Cindy anymore.

Cindy's my friend.

No, she's not. She's trouble.

She's a user, and you don't need that.

You'll make new friends.

Starting in two weeks.

You're grounded for two weeks.

Your life is gonna be school.

And your room.

And your homework.

Would it help if I said I'm sorry?

A lot.

Would it knock a week off?

No.

I'm sorry anyway.

[CLEARS THROAT] Joe?

Uh...

We're finished with the punishing part, right?

Phew.

She better be good for the rest of her life.

Because I'll tell you,

I can't go through this on a regular basis.

You think she's not gonna love us anymore?

Joe...

I'm not crazy about us right now.

Honeymoon's over.

Yep.

It's official.

We're parents.

And as parents, we did the right thing, didn't we?

Yes.

Do you think she understands that?

No.

When is she gonna understand that?

The first time she has to punish her own kid.

Let's get her one.

Grounded for two weeks.

I feel as punished as she does.

Yeah. So do I.

When is this going to stop?

[SIGHS] In two weeks.

[???]

Maybe sooner.

[???]