Original subtitles

Then, at approximately 1:15 a.m.,

the police took the husband to examine the damage,

and that was when then the husband realized

that the wife had been the one who set the fire.

Fascinating story.

Yes, it is, Matthew,

but in the interest

of keeping these meetings short,

why don't we save your dream analysis

for another time?

Okay, well, I guess that is it now.

Oh, I'm sorry, except for this.

I have to read this for everyone.

In accordance with New York state ordinance 435a

regarding secondhand smoke,

this is now officially a nonsmoking office.

Hallelujah.

Now, I know that this is going to be hard

for some of us.

I'm sorry, Bill.

Whatever.

What about me, Dave?

I--I didn't realize that you smoked.

Well, I don't inhale or anything, you know,

but I can blow it through my nose.

Well, good for you.

Um, I think this is going to be healthier for all of us,

because as the ordinance states,

secondhand smoke has been proven to have carcinogenic effects.

Well, duh.

Who didn't know that?

Wake up, people.

Tell you what. I'm just going... to post this over here.

You can all read it at your leisure,

and Bill, can I talk to you about those station promos?

What have you got, chief?

Uh, well, we're going to do

three five-second station IDs,

and then three full 15-second promos

over an audio bed.

Now, I'd like to have you and Catherine trading off.

Sounds good.

We should also try

one clean 15-second pop without the audio bed.

Bill, what are you doing?

Oh. Sorry.

How rude of me.

No. No, thank you, Bill.

Uh, did you hear the announcement

I made at the meeting just now?

Well, to tell the truth, Dave,

I tend to zone out unless my name is mentioned.

Why, was it something important?

Uh, well, yeah, Bill.

Yeah, it was kind of important.

[COUGHING]

I'm on it, Matthew.

Yeah, it was kind of important.

[COUGHING]

I'm on it, Matthew.

Bill, we're now officially a nonsmoking office.

What you're doing is punishable

by a $100 fine.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, come on.

Bill, that's not how it's supposed to work.

Now, just put that out.

Is that decaf?

No, no, it's regular.

[♪]

The caps lock just won't come off, right,

so everything I type is in all Caps.

All right. I've seen this before.

go like this, then, uh...

Now try it.

Yeah. Well, thanks, Fonzie.

Uh, yeah. I think the caps lock did come off there

just before the screen went blank.

Anytime.

Oh, that's great.

Oh. Hi, Joe.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Uh, we need to talk. Can I close this?

Oh, sure.

Hi. Hi.

We have to have a real talk.

Oh. Okay.

Then I better open this door.

I don't want people to think

we're doing anything in here...

especially if we aren't.

Dave, I was right.

Joe definitely saw us at the movies last night.

He's been acting like that all morning.

Like what?

Like that. Like "Hey, hey, hey."

Well, I've been with him for about 15 minutes.

He hasn't "hey, heyed" me.

I think maybe you're just being paranoid.

Oh, I'm paranoid?

I'm not the one that wears a stupid hat

every time he goes out

so he won't be recognized.

Look, there's nothing stupid about that hat.

A lot of people wear hats like that.

Name one.

Well, Woody Allen, for one.

So, what, that means I'm like Soon Yi to you?

No. No, look, He wore that hat when he was with Mia too.

Mia?

Yes.

Here you go, chief.

Did a little punch-up on those promos.

Well, I consider this situation

a potentially volatile one,

and I suggest you do the same.

College girls.

Look, Bill, I hope you're enjoying that cigarette,

Because it is your last.

No, no. I got a full pack right here.

Nice look. Is that from J. Crew?

Hey, Joe.

Hey. Hey.

How was your weekend?

Good.

You know, I saw a pretty good movie last night.

Have you seen any good movies lately?

Uh, me? I don't go to movies.

I don't like movies. Most movies suck.

When someone says, "Hey, Joe, you want to go to a movie?"

You know what I say?

I say, "I don't like movies. I don't go to movies.

Most movies suck."

I've got to go.

Dave, he knows everything.

You're paranoid.

I need to talk to David.

Oh.

David, you've got to make Bill stop smoking.

It's in my clothes. It's in my hair.

Would you smell my hair?

Matthew, I'm not going to smell your hair.

Then smell my hands.

No.

Smell something.

Matthew!

Look, if it's really bothering you that much,

maybe you should talk to Bill.

Dave, come over here. I want you to look at this.

No. No.

Yeah, what is it, Bill?

It says here, article 4, paragraph 2,

that in an office with more than 20 employees,

you have to set up a special smoking area.

Oh yeah. I didn't see that.

Maybe you didn't want to see it.

All right, Bill. Where do you suggest

we set up this smoking area?

How about a mobile 10-foot radius

around me?

I don't think so, Bill.

Then how about over by Matthew's desk?

Huh? Matthew, would you like that?

Sorry. I wasn't listening. What?

You figure it out, Dave,

because when I finish my noon update,

the smoking lamp will be lit.

Dave, talk to him.

Matthew, you talk to him.

Okay, fine.

Yeah, I will.

Good. Good.

Matthew, turn around and go back to your desk.

Hey, Beth.

Did you tell Bill about the new smoking area?

Yep. If we're going to have a smoking area,

[GARBLED]

What?

Oh, God. Gum. Sorry. So I won't smoke.

That's attractive.

Would you put it back, please?

Thanks.

Oh...

Oh, I think that should--

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I guess this will do, but lose the salad, huh?

Bill, we all really appreciate

your cooperation in this.

Uh...

[STREET NOISE]

Yeah. This'll work out just fine.

What?

This is very pleasant. Thank you.

Okay, great, Bill.

Just close the window when you're done.

[GARBLED] Mr. James.

What?

What?

Mr. James.

Oh, uh, Mr. James. I didn't see you come in.

Yeah, well, that's the way I like it.

I'm like that magician guy. What's his name?

David Copperfield?

No.

Siegfried? Uh-uh.

Roy? That's the one.

[GARBLED]

Here you go, Mr. James.

Thanks. I'll just have the coffee for now.

I'm trying to cut down on other people's saliva.

Well, sir, what brings you here today?

Well, I heard about your little smoking problem.

I have the solution.

Oh, great. Yeah.

Maybe it'll help if you talk to Bill.

No. I don't need that hassle.

I got a friend at city hall.

Sir, it's a state ordinance.

And in Albany.

Yes, and in Washington.

But sir, I'd really rather

you didn't bribe anyone,

because I support

this nonsmoking ordinance.

And I support fire safety,

but you see those sprinklers up there?

They're not hooked up to anything.

I paid a guy off--

had my nephew come in, super-glue them to the ceiling.

New York, New York-- it's a hell of a town.

Okay...

Hello, Jimmy.

Hello, Bill.

You know, I thank God every day

we're not a TV station.

Hey, Bill, are you still here?

Something wrong?

You sure there's nothing the matter?

Hmm?

Okay, you got me.

Bill...

Look, as much as I'm enjoying

this little battle of wills we're having,

wouldn't it be easier for you

if you just quit?

Don't you think I want to, Dave?

I can't quit. It's too hard.

Look, I know it's hard.

You can't know. How can you know?

I'll bet you've never smoked a single cigarette in your life.

Well, yeah, I did once.

And you threw up.

How did you know?

You seem like the type.

Well, okay, look, so I don't smoke,

but you know what? I am addicted to caffeine.

You got a coffee problem, huh?

How bad is your habit?

Two, three pots a day.

Four on a Monday.

Well, that's just sick.

I mean, you know, I've tried to quit,

but I can't even cut down.

It's not the same.

These guys are my... little friends.

They're always there when I need them.

My reliable little buddies.

Hey, Bill, I'm your friend.

Yeah?

Where were you last night

around 3:00 a.m.

When I was watching Steel Magnolias

and crying my eyes out?

Hey, Bill, I have an idea.

Tell you what. I'll give up coffee...

if you give up cigarettes.

Huh? We'll go through this thing together.

How is that supposed to help me?

You should have to give up

something of equal difficulty,

like going to the bathroom.

Well, look. Bill, I'm sorry,

but this is the best I can do, all right?

Now, give me the cigarettes.

We'll go through this together.

Come on.

Okay, Let's do it.

You and me, chief. Let's go.

Great. That's the spirit, Bill.

Terrific. This is a great moment, Bill.

Should we hug?

Well, we shook hands.

Yeah. You're right. That's probably plenty.

When do you want start?

Uh, five minutes?

Let's make it 10.

Good idea.

Morning, chief.

Morning, Bill.

So?

Nope. Haven't had a drop of coffee.

You? You smoked?

Not at all. How are you feeling?

Well, I have a pounding headache,

and my arms feel like they're about 12 feet long,

but other than that, I feel fine.

You?

I've been better.

Coughed up something that looked like escargot this morning,

but I guess that's a good sign.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, oh, gosh, no, Bill.

Please, enjoy.

The old java jive.

Chock full o' nuts?

They should call it chock full o' flavor.

Okay, what the hell are you doing, Bill?

Oh, come on, Dave.

We went a good nine and a half hours.

Must we continue this little charade?

Bill, I'm doing this for you.

We had...an agreement.

If you crack first, Dave,

it won't make you any less of a man.

I'm nowhere near cracking.

Neither am I, my friend.

Dave?

Oh, Matthew, what is it now?

For God's sake, no one's smoking, okay?

But--

But nothing!

You know what we need around here

is an anti-whining ordinance!

So just zip your sniveling little lip

and haul your skinny ass out of here!

I don't think that qualifies as cracking, do you?

No, no, no.

I brought you some aspirin.

Oh, thanks, Lisa.

You know what?

I don't know what it is caffeine does for you,

but I'm pretty sure that without it,

your head caves in.

Yeah. But did Joe say anything to you

about seeing us at the movies

the other night?

Oh...Lisa...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want to get some lunch?

Oh, yeah--oh!

I didn't bring my hat.

You know, Dave,

I'm really starting to hate that hat.

Dave, are you listening to what Bill is doing?

No.

[DRONING]: ...federal reserve announced today

that the prime interest rate will be the focus of discussion

at next week's economic summit

in Washington.

President Clinton and his advisors

will be in attendance

as well as both leaders

from the Senate and House banking committees.

talks are expected-- [TAKES BREATH]

to be unusually heated

in light of the fallout from last November's elections.

Insiders say it's anybody's guess...

[DRONES]: Don't listen too closely,

or you'll fall into a trance.

Oh, come on, Beth.

I mean, give the guy a break, all right?

You know what?

He's--he's going through withdrawal,

and that's not easy, Beth.

That's--that's very hard.

It's very, very hard.

Uh-oh. Mr. James is here, and he doesn't look happy.

Aw... How do I look?

Tewiffic.

Than thoo.

Dave, get over here.

Yes, Mr. James.

What the hell are you running,

a radio station or a rehab clinic?

Okay, fine.

You just take a few minutes

and try to think of a comeback.

Meanwhile, I'll get up there and do your job.

...for fixed income annuities.

In a related story, bad news for first-time home buyers,

who are likely to see a hefty increase

in interest rates... sometime soon.

[WITH GUSTO]: In Albany today,

reaction to the news was mixed.

Governor Pataki applauded the announcement,

citing the state's heavy industrial base,

which is sorely in need of a lift.

Dave, let him smoke all he wants,

but tell him to be careful.

I don't want this place catching fire.

The state's Democratic leadership protested,

declaring that...

[DRONE]: some are calling an all-out war

over the federal reserve system's

anticipated decision.

In other news...

At least let the man smoke while he's on the air, Dave.

Catherine, I can't do that.

I don't mind. Really. I used to smoke myself.

And, quite honestly... I miss the smell, Dave.

Catherine, I don't know what to tell you.

You can always go smell Matthew's head.

Bill?

Here. Maybe you should try a carrot stick.

Why?

Well, they're supposed to help you quit smoking.

Oh. How?

I guess you take it, put it in your mouth,

and, yeah, like a cigarette.

Oh.

You're playing with me, aren't you, Matthew?

Here you go, boss. These just got here.

Oh, great. Good, good, good.

Hey, Bill.

Hey, Bill.

I want you to put one of these

on your back, okay?

What is this?

It's the patch.

Don't you need

a prescription for those?

Yeah. I went to my doctor this morning

and had him prescribe it for me.

Well, you don't smoke.

No, no, but I told him

I was thinking about starting.

You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.

Say...that's nice.

That's real nice. Thanks, Dave.

Oh, my pleasure, Bill.

No, no. The pleasure's mine.

Oh!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dave, you should probably try cauliflower.

It's good for caffeine addiction.

What is with you and that?

Well, there's a vegetable for every addiction.

What are you addicted to?

Vegetables.

Dave, I think you'd better get out here,

because Bill is having some kind of trouble.

Oh, God. He didn't take off the patch, did he?

No, not that I know of.

All right.

Here. Eat this.

No. Ugh.

Hey, Bill, what's the matter?

Where does it hurt?

It doesn't hurt so much as tingle

all through my arm and chest.

Please, Bill, eat a carrot stick.

Matthew, forget the carrot sticks.

Dave, I think it's the patch.

Oh, Bill, don't be ridiculous. I'm sure it isn't.

You know what?

I'm sure you're going to be fine.

You just need to relax. Come on.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

Feel better?

Yeah.

All right.

[SIREN WAILS]

Your friend should be back on his feet

by tomorrow morning.

He just had a bad reaction to something.

Uh-huh? Um...

You know, there's just a chance

that he was on the nicotine patch.

That wouldn't have anything to do with it, right?

The patch?

Nah. I seriously doubt that was a factor.

Oh, good.

See, doctors are very careful

about handing those out.

That's why you can't get one without a prescription.

You don't--you don't say.

Well, thanks very much for all your help.

Hey, Dave, maybe you could help me out too.

I was wondering if you could go to your doctor

and get me fitted for a diaphragm.

Why don't you just use your gum?

So, is Bill coming in today?

Yeah. They just kept him overnight for observation,

but he's fine.

Here he is, everybody!

Hey! Attaboy!

Good to have you back, Bill!

Thanks, Jimmy. It's good to be back.

Hey, Bill. Here's your coffee.

So! How you feeling?

A little shaky, but good.

Uh-huh. You feel like suing the station?

Of course not.

Good! I got to go.

Look, I'm really sorry, Bill.

That's okay.

Your heart was in the right place.

I just had no idea

that the patch could have side effects.

And I had no idea

you're only supposed to wear one at a time.

Oh? How many were you wearing?

15, 16.

I sort of stuck them all around my waist

like a belt.

Oh. Well, you're fine now. That's all that matters.

More or less.

There are a few lingering effects,

but you shouldn't worry--

No, what? I'd rather not say.

Anything I can do to help.

It smells like an ashtray when I pee.

Anything you can do to help me with that?

Gosh, I hope not.

I didn't think so.

Anyway, considering I haven't had a cigarette

in 38 hours,

I'm actually kind of enjoying it.

Well, there you go.

Amen to that.

Yeah.

Joe...

Joe?

All right, I can't take it anymore.

You want to get into it? Yes.

You want to talk? Yes.

Let's go. Come on.

I know you were at the movie theater.

I know you don't want to talk about it.

Look, it's just how rumors get started.

I just don't want to get caught up in a big rumor.

Well, neither do I.

That's why I think it's important

that we talk about it.

Well, look just because you see me

at the movies with a friend

who happens to be flamboyantly gay...

it doesn't mean that I'm gay too.

You just assume that.

It's not what it looked like.

What?

I'm not gay.

Oh, Joe. No. Listen. Hey. Even if you were--

I'm not gay.

All right, but even if you were--

But I'm not. Okay.

Did you see who I was with at the movies?

Some dork with a stupid hat.

Did that dork look familiar to you?

He looked like any other dork in the city,

except he had a stupid hat.

Thanks, Joe.

Yeah. I'm not gay.

Right.

Aw, Bill... you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Ah, well...

You know, before work today,

I had a double espresso.

[SIGHS] We're failures.

Yeah.

If you ever tell anyone about Steel Magnolias...

I'll kill you.

It would take a robot not to cry at that movie.

CATHERINE: ...until economic sanctions take effect.

And here's Bill McNeal

with the latest from Wall Street.

BILL: The Dow Jones industrial average

closed out the day up nine points

with advancing issues outnumbering decliners

in a three-to-two ratio.

Sounds like Bill's back on his game.

Yep, sure does.

And you're happy with the solution?

Oh, very happy.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, what's up?

How's it going there?

Pretty good.

I've got it completely hermetically sealed.

Have you figured out a way of ventilating it yet?

No.

I'll try and think up something over the weekend.

No rush. Good work.

All right. Thanks. Take it easy.

...the university

will have to close or merge eight campuses

and raise tuition...

[LIGHTER IGNITING]

[♪]