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[FANS CHEERING]

Oh, what did you do that for?

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -[ALL GROANING]

[HUMS]

ROBERT: This piece, called simply

The Card Players, Les Joueurs de cartes,

is currently the most expensive painting in the world.

[CHEERING]

It shows us two peasants,

simple men of Provence, playing cards.

The table is bare because they can't even afford to play for money.

And yet this piece

is rumoured recently to have been sold

for more than $250 million.

So, what do you wanna do? Do you wanna come to this art thing

or you are gonna have to go home to Margot?

Would you rather I wasn't there?

I mean, I don't wanna cramp your style.

You're not gonna cramp my style.

That's why I asked you to come.

-Why would you cramp my style? -Well, you're not there for the art, are you?

-Yes, I am. -No! You're not.

It's a damning indictment

on the way we measure art in today's world

that we focus more on the price

than on the art itself,

on the beauty before us.

ALLAN: It's all a bit pretentious, isn't it?

No, that's because you don't understand it.

-I do understand it. -Really?

What's your favourite painting?

What's my favourite painting?

It's a simple question. What's your favourite painting?

CHARLIE: McKenzie!

Mike!

Charlie Calloway.

-How's it going? -Not so bad.

-Looking good! -Nice to see you, Charlie.

Aye, you, too! I hear you're doing all right for yourself.

-What is it, computers? -Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

-I'm into property myself. -MIKE: Oh, yeah?

100% legit.

I've got a stoating big office block.

If either of you two gents are interested.

You boys want a wee Babycham? Get 'em a wee Babycham.

Oh, we've gotta be somewhere, Charlie.

MIKE: Next time.

Aye.

Nice to see you.

CHARLIE: Aye.

That's all for today.

Lovely to see you.

-Hello, Mike. -Hey, Laura.

-Want to tell me about this? -LAURA: It's oil on wood, painted in 1895.

It's the artist's wife. She was his model first and then they got married.

It's definitely got something.

Yeah.

But it's not his most polished work technically speaking.

You see this smudge here?

He's brushed it with his hand

when he was working on the face or the eyes.

-It adds depth to it. -LAURA: Hmm.

-Do you like it? -LAURA: Yes, I do.

I love it.

ROBERT: Ah, there you are.

Guess who I found tucking into the free booze.

-I wonder. -Professor.

-I was getting one for Mike. [CHUCKLES] -Of course you were.

Allan Cruickshank, Laura Stanton.

-How do you do. -Nice to meet you, Allan.

-Anything caught your eye? -Oh, there was an Archibald Peddie

that I rather fancied. What about you, Mike? Anything here strike you?

The Monboddo's worth a look.

ROBERT: Monboddo, really?

Oh, that's interesting.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Back of the net, Mike.

LAURA: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I've had a lot of interest in this lot

and I can start the bidding at £20,000.

I open up at £20,000.

Thank you, gentleman in the front. £20,000.

Do I have £22,000?

Good man, £22,000. Do I have 24?

Any more interest at £30,000, ladies and gentlemen?

£32,000, new bidder to my left. Thank you. £32,000.

The bid is at £32,000. 34? The bid is at £40,000 in the room.

Any more interest at £40,000? On the phones, thank you, £45,000.

Just got interesting, ladies and gentlemen.

We have £45,000 on the phone. Do we have 50?

Do I have £50,000? Thank you.

£50,000 in the room, ladies and gentlemen.

The bid is at £50,000. Do I have 55?

£70,000 in the room, ladies and gentlemen.

Do I have any more interest at £70,000? Do I have 75,000?

The bid is at £70,000 in the room.

Do I have any more interest at £70,000?

Fair warning on £70,000.

Is that as far as we go, £70,000?

-[GAVEL BANGS] -Sold to the gentleman on my left for £70,000.

[APPLAUSE]

The Monboddo's yours. It's a gift.

[CHUCKLES]

I can't.

Why?

Because it's against the rules.

Move in.

Then you can see it every day.

[LAUGHS]

WOMAN ON RADIO: "...a familiar sight on Edinburgh's famous skyline."

But like many other landmark banks in the city,

First Cally seems to be feeling

the pressure of the credit crunch

with several jobs rumoured to be under threat.

Meanwhile, it was officially confirmed yesterday

that local company McKenzie Electronics is being

bought out by a Japanese components company.

"Edinburgh entrepreneur and millionaire

"Mike McKenzie was upbeat about the sale."

MIKE: Opportunities like this don't come along very often.

So, it seemed like the right time to sell up and move on.

ALLAN: Look, Margot, you know how things are around here.

There's just not gonna be those kind of bonuses.

The school fees are killing me as it is!

I've gotta go. I'll call you back. Yeah, I promise.

-Allan Cruickshank? -That's right.

They... We would like to see you upstairs in human resources.

Right. Okay. Er, just check the old diary.

Erm, you've been scheduled for 2:15 tomorrow.

2:15?

Well, you must run a very tight ship up in human resources.

Yes, we're very busy with all the staff reviews.

Thanks.

[HUMS]

-Good morning, Martin. -MARTIN: Morning, professor.

There's somebody waiting for you, by the way.

I sent him down to the vault.

He's from the bank. Brand new Mercedes. Top of the range.

[HUMS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[HUMS] Hello, darlings.

I'm very sorry, I don't think I've had the pleasure.

-Professor Gissing, I presume. -Yes.

Bruce Cameron from Cameron Fine Arts.

I've actually left you several messages.

Yes, well, I don't deal directly with galleries.

Ah, well, you see, we're not a gallery, we're...

Consultants...

-As I think you know. -How thrilling.

Yes. Well, erm...

Well, I must say, this is a splendid collection.

How long have you been helping the bank acquire these works?

Erm, the best part of 25 years.

The old chairman at First Caledonian was most particular

that we selected the very finest Scottish works

and we rotate our selection carefully

from branch to branch of the bank.

There's a whole nation's history here.

Kept in trust for the Scottish people by a Scottish bank.

BRUCE: So, tell me, how is the

inventory coming along?

The inventory is coming along rather slowly, alas.

Ah.

I see no-one's actually spoken to you.

Spoken to me?

[SIGHS] Erm...

The bank want to move rather more swiftly, I'm afraid.

We have been brought in to evaluate the collection,

to make an analysis and to advise on the best possible

strategic approach before taking it to market.

To market?

As quickly as possible.

I was told this collection is safe.

I was given personal assurances by Sir Ian.

I... This is a disgrace!

-I can under... -This... This collection is unique!

Yes, believe me, I understand how you must feel...

Oh... I don't think you do.

[SIGHS] As a matter of fact, it's one of the reasons why I...

I have chosen to bring in Miss Stanton

to help manage the transition.

I believe that you and she are old friends.

Laura?

MIKE: My Laura?

I can't believe Laura would do that to you, I really can't.

Well, she has. She's done it.

A stab in the back, it really is.

-Have you spoken to her? -I haven't had the chance.

She's already on her way up here.

It's a fait accompli.

Sorry, sorry I'm late. Bloody horrible day at work.

Ah, I see you've started without me. [SIGHS]

What's going on? Has somebody died?

Robert here has just been sacked.

-What, by the art college? -No, Allan, by your bank.

-What do you mean? -I mean they're gonna destroy my collection,

break it up and flog it off as if it's so much junk.

ALLAN: Oh, I'm sorry, Robert.

Although, it's not like it was your full-time job.

And technically, those paintings are their property.

I warn you, Allan, I'm not in the mood.

It's the new CEO. He's on a mission.

Whole floors of people are being sacked.

I mean, nobody tells you anything of course. It's all done by stealth.

You'll be all right, though.

Well, I hope so. I have a meeting with human resources tomorrow afternoon.

-You haven't put a foot wrong, have you? -ALLAN: No. Not in 20 years.

Anyway, enough of this doom and gloom.

You've just sold your company, Mike.

We should be celebrating.

Yeah.

Laura is back.

She's in charge of selling the collection.

Bloody hell.

I am still here.

Drink?

Drink, yeah. I'll get them.

Three more of these, please.

Twenty-five years it's taken me to put that collection together! Twenty-five years!

And each picture chosen not just on its merit but as part of a...

Kind of Scottish symphonic ensemble, you know?

I'm sorry. I know how much that collection meant to you.

ROBERT: Well, they are not gonna get away with it!

ALLAN: I just don't see what you can do about it.

To be honest, I have seen this day coming.

It's a little sooner than I anticipated, but that doesn't matter.

I have it all planned.

I'm gonna need your help.

Help? With what?

I have chosen one or two pictures that are close to my heart.

Cadell, Cameron, nothing too ostentatious.

You know them, Mike.

-Yeah. -ROBERT: Well...

I believe we can remove them without too much trouble.

-Remove? You mean steal? -ROBERT: No.

I don't mean steal! I mean liberate.

-What, in a heist? -Like the Italian Job?

If you like. Only less Italian.

ALLAN: I can't quite see you in a Mini, Robert.

-Can you, Mike? -Oh, bugger it.

Allan, what hotel do the bank put people up in?

What?

Which... Oh, never mind. It'll probably be the Sheraton.

Please, Mike, don't, don't...

Hello. Er, can you do me a favour?

Can you see if there's a Laura Stanton staying here?

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

So, that's... That's agreed.

You, me and Mike are going to lubricate...

We're going to liberate those paintings, yes?

[MUMBLING]

[SOFTLY] So... Shh, don't tell anybody.

It's gonna be the crime of the century. Shh.

ROBERT: We can do it!

Yeah.

MAN: Go on, then. Go on.

-Come on. -Ah!

Oh! Wonder goal!

I mean, nobody's renting commercial space just now.

Honestly, if you saw half the stuff I've got on my books...

Sorry, what's your name again, darling?

-Sharon. -Sharon,

this is your priority.

I don't wanna hear about other clients.

Look, Mr Calloway, I promise you, we're doing our best.

Have you seen the new brochures?

Ah... Hey!

We're working here!

-Business meeting! -[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Sorry, boss. It's him.

Clowns! Hello. How are you?

One second. Well, nice to meet you, Charmaine.

The boys will show you out.

How you doing, mucker?

Ah, no, I've not been avoiding you.

-I've just... -See you, darling.

A wee fiscal situation.

But you know I'm good for the money.

You better had be, Charlie, or you'll be getting a visitor.

No, there's no need for that.

-I'll get you your money. -THE GEORDIE: Aye.

Well, make sure you do.

ROBERT: Pablo Picasso. Sexual philanderer, certainly,

but more importantly, towering genius.

This giant of the 20th century once famously said,

"Bad artists copy.

"Great artists steal."

This week, I want you to steal from a great artist.

And with that theft, to make a work of your own.

That's it. Go away. Off. Go paint.

[SIGHS]

-Hello. -Ah!

Come in, come in. Tell me, Mike, what do you see?

Eh?

MIKE: A skull.

Yeah! You've shown me it before. The anamorphous.

Yeah, I love it. It's Holbein's little joke, you know.

Memento mori, a reminder of our own mortality. Because...

Because in the great scale of things, Mike, life is short.

Will you have a wee sensation?

-And it's a wee bit early for me. -Oh, okay.

Do you know what I like about you, Mike?

It's your passion.

Sure.

You see something you want,

you grab it with both hands.

Yeah, once, maybe. I'm not sure any more.

Slainte.

Slainte.

Ah.

Right, so, you said you wanted to show me something.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't Holbein's skull.

No.

Remember this? Take a look.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Monboddo.

When did you take this? Yesterday afternoon in the repository.

I'm afraid it's now part of the bank's collection.

What's it doing there? Laura took it with her when she went to...

She sold it.

Yeah.

About a year and a half ago, in fact.

I was lucky to get the chance to acquire it, really.

I mean on the bank's behalf, obviously.

Her gallery was in a bit of trouble.

-I felt it was the least we could do. -Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it was just after the break-up, and you were in a mess,

-and we just felt that it would make things worse. -Who's we?

Oh, well, I... I asked Allan's advice

when Laura approached me.

[LAUGHS] And what did Allan say?

Er, it's just a picture.

-But it's not just a picture, is it, Mike? -No.

It's got secrets. Significances.

It's a funny thing, art, isn't it?

I mean, you think it's about history, education, culture, taste,

money, and it's not.

It buries itself inside you, doesn't it?

It gets under your skin.

Why are you telling me this?

Well, what I said last night,

I meant it.

I want those pictures, Mike.

And I think I know how to get them.

And I wondered if there was one in particular which

you might want.

Right, well, I guess

I'll just more or less start at the beginning.

Identify each work,

check it against the original sales receipts.

BRUCE: You know, we could do very well out of this, Laura.

You make this sale,

we can get out of here and we're on our way to

New York.

I know this can't be easy for you.

No, me? I'm fine. I just...

I just feel bad for Robert, that's all.

And Mike?

-What about Mike? -What about Mike?

I haven't spoken to Mike in over two years.

It's not about Mike.

Well, but if you felt you needed to meet up

and talk to him and clear the air...

No.

No, I really don't. I just wanna get the job done.

[PHONE RINGS]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Erm, 17% I would think, at least.

Sorry, one second. Yeah?

They've been trying to get hold of you. It's 2:20.

Oh, God, so it is. I'll be right there.

[SOFTLY] Why are you walking so fast?

LAURA: You didn't think to check with me first?

Laura, I already told you,

he tried your phone and I couldn't exactly refuse him a meeting.

No, well, you can go to the meeting on your own, then, can't you?

Come on, don't be childish. How's that gonna look?

We're supposed to be partners, remember?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Er, yes, thank you. Can you tell him we'll be down in a minute?

Thanks.

You give us five minutes, okay?

Aye, ya, ya, ya, ya.

Hi.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

-You wanna sit down? -Yeah.

-You look great. -Thanks.

Well, better than you did the last time I saw you.

-Well, the last time you saw me, I was crying. -That's true.

[LAUGHS] And now I'm not.

-Well, that's good. I'm glad. -Hmm.

What's this all about?

You sold our picture.

-Yes. -Why?

I needed the money.

-You could've asked me. -No.

I couldn't.

Yeah.

This was a bad idea, I think.

I just wanted a chance to explain

why I took the job in the first place.

'Cause it's better that it's you than somebody else.

-Yes, it is. -Yeah, you might wanna try telling that to Robert.

-And Bruce? -What about Bruce?

Well, you're together, obviously.

Yeah. We're engaged.

-Okay. -Is that really that weird?

Yeah.

[SNORTS]

This shouldn't take long. Okay. Thanks.

BRUCE: Hi. You must be Mike.

-I'm Bruce. How do you do. -Nice to meet you.

And you.

-[SIGHS] Everything all right? -Yeah.

Good.

-BRUCE: So. -So...

I hear you're handling the bank's sale of the art collection.

Yes, that's right.

Well, I'd like to buy one of the pictures.

The Monboddo portrait.

-LAURA: Mike. -[SCOFFS]

Well, erm, since we're jumping right in, erm,

I'm afraid that despite what Professor Gissing

may have lead you to believe,

we are not aiming to break up the collection.

Pretty much name your price. What do you want for her?

[SCOFFS] God, you must really love Monboddo.

-[SCOFFS] -No, I'll stop you right there.

This isn't gonna be possible.

I'm sorry if you've had a wasted journey.

-Name your price. -LAURA: Mike.

-[SCOFFS] Christ, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. -Laura, please.

Listen, Mike, in a couple of weeks, this will all be done,

and I really see no reason for it to be awkward or difficult.

-After all, we are all adults here. -Speak for yourself.

Mike. Mike.

Please...

[CUTLERY CLATTERS]

I'm sorry, Allan.

I thought I was safe.

Have you told Margot? No.

I don't know how I'm gonna keep my family going.

The divorce was killing me as it was. School fees.

Look, I can lend you something to tide you over.

Thanks, Mike.

What about long-term?

Do you know what the re-employment rate is for ex-bankers?

I'm gonna be driving a mini-cab till I'm 70.

-How much notice have they given? -Three months.

I told them to stick it up their arse.

[SNIFFS]

-Was that wise? -Probably not.

But it felt bloody good.

-[SIGHS] -Come on, drink up.

-[SIGHS] Where are we going? -To see Robert.

He wants to show me something.

-Oh, hello, Allan. I'm so sorry to hear... -Thanks, Robert.

So, what are we doing?

Come with me. A little surprise.

Oh, don't be put off by the smell.

It's a heavy mixture of linseed oil and cannabis sativa.

Now then, Michael, prepare to be amazed.

Oh, good God, Robert.

-I'd almost forgotten how beautiful she was. -[ROBERT CHUCKLES]

MIKE: So, what's she doing here?

Take a closer look.

It's a forgery.

Damn good one, too, if it had you fooled.

That is amazing.

ROBERT: Yes. Perfect in every detail.

WESTIE: Nailed it, didn't I?

Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!

These are the two gentlemen I was telling you about.

Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a former pupil of mine.

-Hi. -MIKE: Hi.

Westie had the great advantage of spending a year at the Art Institute in Beijing.

The Chinese method has a lot to recommend it.

Eight hours a day, man, just copying, copying, copying.

You painted this?

Every dab.

And it's yours, Michael. A present from me.

Since the original is more than a little unobtainable.

Well, it's great. Shall we go, then?

MIKE: Thanks, Robert.

Almost exactly like the real thing.

ROBERT: Hmm.

But it's not, is it?

That's the thing of it.

Most people would be more than satisfied,

but you and I, we're different, aren't we?

What about me?

You're a banker, Allan, so you have no soul.

[LAUGHS]

Ex-banker.

MIKE: God, you've really been thinking about this, haven't you?

Oh, indeed I have.

I always knew this day would come.

And so I took full advantage of my

privileged access to the works and the tools at my disposal.

But unfortunately, with that access now denied,

we must work quickly to complete

and execute.

To swap the fakes for the originals.

-And you don't think anybody's gonna notice? -What's to notice?

As far as they're concerned, all the paintings will be present and correct.

Only we will know otherwise.

And if the day would come when they happen to discover

that their prize collection isn't quite what they thought it was...

Well, won't that be rather delicious?

I'm going to need more money for materials.

Ah.

Hmm.

ALLAN: Mike, you have everything.

MIKE: Well, I suppose I've got everything I need.

It's just that Bruce Cameron's got the only two things that I actually want.

So, I've made a decision.

I've decided that he can have one or he can have the other,

but he's not having both.

-Would you be that bloody minded? -Yes, I bloody would.

-Well, you're mad. -Possibly.

Robert seems pretty determined, doesn't he?

Yes, he does.

I can't see what's in it for me, though.

I'm not into all this art stuff.

Well, if it's just reasons you're looking for, Allan,

I think I can give you a couple.

Like?

Like you'd be getting two paintings

worth about 200 grand each and maybe more

if you choose wisely. So, that's over 400,000

that Margot wouldn't be able to get her hands on.

There's one for you.

Yeah, but I couldn't sell them, could I? I mean...

Laura used to say you can sell anything if you know how.

I didn't realise.

And then, of course, you'd be getting one over on the bank,

which must seem like quite an attractive prospect at the moment.

So, there's two.

Yeah.

All right, then, so that's agreed. Bit of reciprocity, yes?

And all in good faith, of course.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Sort of quid pro quo.

Aye, fair enough.

-Right, all the best, Professor. -Thank you, Wee Martin.

So? What's he up to now?

Well, I'm not too sure, but I think there might be a few quid in it.

Okay, so, obviously it goes without saying

that this is a bloody stupid idea

and that if any one of us

wants to pull out, we can do so at any point.

-Agreed? -BOTH: Agreed.

[CHUCKLES]

MIKE: So,

where to start?

We have to work out how to gain entry to the repository

undetected with how many fake paintings?

Well, we couldn't handle more than two each, so six.

I only want the Monboddo.

-Well, we could still manage six, but five... -Okay.

So, first up, how to gain entry undetected.

Robert, I believe you have an idea.

Indeed I do. I take it you're all familiar with...

-Doors Open Day. -MIKE: Oh, yeah.

When the buildings across the city that are usually

inaccessible are open to the public.

-MIKE: Yeah. -I took the kids to St Bernard's Well last year.

Exactly.

Bored out of my brain.

Yes, but the point is this year the bank is opening the repository

for Doors Open in two weeks' time.

-So, I took the liberty... -Two weeks?

Yes. ...of putting your two names down.

Not your real names, obviously.

Thing is, I am too well kent of face and frame to go in myself

'cause I'm there every day. But I'll find some other way to get in.

-But you should be able to stroll in. -Just stroll in there?

-Yeah. -But there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

-So, we'd be noticed. -Unless... I mean...

Unless we wore disguises, you know...

Hmm. Or we could find a way to switch the CCTV off.

-That's more like it. -Yeah, but how the hell would we do that?

Come on, Charlie, for God's sake, man!

Pay your rent, Archie. What can I tell you?

-Times are tough. -Look, the bairns wanna see the football!

Your team's shite. I'm doing you a favour.

You owe me 250 quid!

Bang out of order!

I tell you, I never thought I'd be back doing this,

collecting door to door.

I blame all them property programmes on the telly.

"Invest in property, you cannae go wrong."

MIKE: Just pull over by the entrance and park normally.

ALLAN: Okay.

Sorry, how do I park normally?

MIKE: Well, don't kerb crawl. It'll make us look suspicious.

ALLAN: Right.

Should be about two minutes now.

ALLAN: And you can trust this guy, can you? ROBERT: Wee Martin?

Oh, yes, he's completely trustworthy.

Well, he's completely dishonest.

ALLAN: Doesn't look very secure, does it?

ROBERT: Well, it is Doors Open Day,

-don't forget. I mean, you're practically invited. -Okay.

And how do we get out again? I mean,

never mind getting to the vaults.

-Well, we need a card like Robert. -ROBERT: Yes.

One of these. Got a sort of chip on it.

See, every time you swipe one of those, it recognises you

and allows you certain pre-programmed privileges

-and access to certain areas. -That's right.

-So, why don't we just use Robert's? -No, unfortunately,

since I was designated persona non grata,

it doesn't work any more. Anyway, it's got my name on it.

MIKE: Then once we're inside the building, we set off the fire alarm,

-get everybody else out and leave us inside. -[ALARM RINGS]

-ROBERT: Bingo. -Wee Martin's set the alarm.

Robert, can you pass me those binoculars?

Yep. Here.

-Thanks. -ROBERT: They have a fire drill every month.

They are fanatical about it.

Stragglers are executed on site.

Here, Allan.

ALLAN: Who's that with Wee Martin?

ROBERT: He's the fire officer,

someone who takes his job very seriously indeed.

We still don't know how to get the fakes in yet, though.

ALLAN: There's a cleaning van.

MIKE: Cleaning van.

Cleaning van.

Charlie, there's a bloke wants to talk to you.

Why? Somebody wanting to buy their telly back half price?

No, I don't think so.

-Who the hell are you? -You don't need to know who I am.

Mr Carter sent me. He wants his money.

Hate? What does the other one say?

Lo... Also hate.

-Okay, very good. -HATE: I'll give you one week.

You let me know when you get the money.

If not, I'll be back on Friday.

Friday. Good. Good.

Would anyone believe I was a cleaner? Do I look like a cleaner?

Sorry, where do we get the cleaning van from?

We don't know yet. But let's just assume we can get one.

So, I would drive the van, looking like a cleaner,

with the fakes, and you would bring in the originals,

which we'd swap from the vault.

Yeah.

Sorry, can we backpedal? How do we get into the vaults

and why are we swapping frames?

Come on, Allan. This is why this is a planning meeting.

How is this a planning meeting when we don't have a plan?

[BUZZER]

Pizza.

I really don't know why more people don't do this

heist lark for a hobby. I mean it's very simple, really, isn't it?

We take the fake paintings to the warehouse in a van that we don't have...

-Yep, come in. -ALLAN: ...the cameras will still snap our pictures

'cause we don't know how to disable it.

But that doesn't matter

'cause the camera's in the vaults,

-which we can't get into in the first place. -Allan, please.

One quattro stagioni, one fiorentina, one American hot.

[LAUGHS] How you doing, Charlie?

Good, aye! I saw the wee boy out front on his wee bike

and I thought I'd save him the trip.

Gonna invite me in?

-I hope you're not losing your nerve, Allan. -[DOOR CLOSING]

Are you losing your nerve?

-[SIGHS] -MIKE: Gentlemen, we have a guest.

Er, Charlie, this is Allan and Robert.

Robert, Allan, this is Charlie.

-How you doing? -Yeah, no, fine.

Good.

Did you want something, Charlie?

Erm, I was just passing, so I thought

call in just for old times' sake.

I hear you were down at the Midlothian Repository today.

Funny place for an afternoon out.

That's my patch, Mike.

If there's anything I can give you a hand with down there,

anything at all,

you just let me know, okay?

ALLAN: It's a terrible idea.

He's a total nutter.

I think it makes complete sense.

We need somebody who understands

how you get access to security systems,

who knows the whys and wherefores of how you get

a van that can't be traced.

Do you realise how much trouble we're about to get into, Mike?

-[CHUCKLES] -No, seriously.

I know how much trouble we're gonna get into if we try to do this

on our own.

And I've known Charlie Calloway since I was a boy.

Yeah, something I don't understand.

Hmm? What's that?

Why didn't you take the fake?

I mean, it looks exactly the same.

It's not remotely the same.

It's just a picture, Mike.

It's not like it's a kid or a dog or something, it's just a picture.

I've only got pictures.

And that particular picture represents

the three happiest years of my life.

And one way or another, it's coming with me when I go.

Go where?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

But I'm going.

CHARLIE: That's Mike McKenzie!

MAN: Nice wheels eh.

Wondered how long it'd take you.

How you doing, Charlie?

-I haven't seen you around here for a long while. -[CHUCKLES]

Still looks pretty much the same.

Aye.

Can I have a word?

Aye. Theresa.

Go and tell your ma to put the kettle on, we've got visitors.

Okay.

That one of yours? No, no.

She's my wee sister's bairn.

-CHARLIE: My sister Carol, Michael. -Hiya.

-Hey, Carol. -You remember the McKenzies, don't you?

-CHARLIE: From number 26. -Oh, aye, of course!

-Aye! Hiya! -[LAUGHS]

-Oh, they must have been proud of you, eh? -Yeah.

Aye! Queen's Award for Industry.

-Yep. -Scotland's most eligible bachelor.

Aye, that was a while ago, you know?

-CHARLIE: Howay! -Thanks, Carol.

Handsome boy like you, you must be fighting them off with a shitty stick.

What would you say, Carol?

Eh?

-Oh, aye, I'd shag him. -[LAUGHS]

Now, listen, there's plenty more biscuits in the tin,

-so you two just help yourselves, okay? -MIKE: Thanks very much.

So...

What do you need?

Okay, it's all sorted.

Calloway's in.

-Are you sure he can be trusted? -Yes, I'm sure.

But there's just one thing.

He wants a painting.

[LAUGHS] He wants a painting? What's he gonna do with it,

wipe his arse?

I think he's got himself in over his head in some business deal

with some gangster from Newcastle

and he wants to use the painting as collateral to buy himself some time.

God, give me strength! Collateral?

And what sort of painting would this Calloway's gangster friend prefer, uh?

Does he favour the abstract expressionist or perhaps he leans towards the figurative?

God, Robert, you're such a snob!

How dare you! I'm an elitist.

-There is a difference, you know. -Is there?

Anyway, he wants a John Smart.

-He wants a Smart? -Yeah, this Geordie guy's been very specific.

He wants one of the landscapes.

So, do you think Westie's up to it?

But Smart is... He's a...

Okay, look, Robert, we either go

with Calloway or we forget the whole thing. It's up to you.

But if we go with Calloway,

there's no turning back.

All right. Yes. You're right.

I'll get in touch with Westie. Game on, as they say.

Okay, I never work with amateurs

because their morals get in the way.

But I'm in a bit of a situation myself,

plus the fact you have some inside knowledge

and because Mikey's bankrolling this operation,

-and I've known Michael for... -Thirty years...

Well more than 30 years.

So, I'm making an exception.

First things first.

How to get you from here in Sighthill

to here at the repository without leaving a trail on CCTV.

If you travel by car, ANPR technology means

they'll take a photograph of your face

and your number plate.

So, you two will be travelling by bus.

-Bus? -Yes, bus.

Never been on a bus before?

Hang on, guys. Can we just get back to the point?

MIKE: What do we do about the CCTV at the repository?

CHARLIE: That's where my friend Brighty comes in.

He's installed most of the security systems in Edinburgh.

CHARLIE: Money.

Can I have the money?

Right. I'll be two minutes.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

CHARLIE: All right, Brighty?

Charlie!

Thirty minutes, my arse!

Midlothian Repository.

Paintings.

-I need the security system to not work. -Piece of piss.

Usual rules.

I'll get you in, then I'll be long gone like a turkey in the corn.

Untraceable.

Jesus, Brighty!

-You need to lighten up a bit, son. -[SIGHS]

That's why I cook. Helps me relax.

ROBERT: I'm getting here at 11:20 in the van. CHARLIE: Correct.

You're going in the van with Glenno and Jonno.

What about the paintings? What's happen...

You'll sort that out, Professor.

Right, eyes to me, Glenno, Jonny.

Jonno.

Now, a work of art consists essentially

of four elements.

The frame itself, of course, a canvas,

a stretcher board and the splines,

that's these little wedge-like things here

that keep everything firmly embedded in place.

Charlie, Charlie, Mike's been in the papers,

and everyone knows the professor down at the repository.

If they see him driving up

in a cleaning van, they'll know he's not a cleaner.

We're gonna have disguises.

-Oh, disguises? -Yes.

CHARLIE: But only Allan, Mike and the professor.

Are we getting disguises, Charlie?

-CHARLIE: What do you need disguises for? -I don't know...

It's not a fancy dress costume party, it's a robbery.

Okay?

Yeah, fine.

Right. We've got five days to go.

Get yourselves ready and do what you need to do.

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS] Hey, darling, we've done it.

We have got a buyer,

and the bank want us to start negotiating a contract.

-Oh, that's great! -Yeah, I know.

Yeah, that's great, Bruce.

Yep. New York, here we come. [LAUGHS]

How's the inventory coming along?

Well, Robert's left it in a right mess,

but I've got half the paintings logged.

And then there's the print collection.

-It's a bit of a nightmare. -Oh.

Well, you know, do your best.

-All right. -All right, I'll see you soon.

Okay, bye.

-Hurry up. -Yeah, okay.

-Love you. Bye. -Bye.

MIKE: All I want really is to sell it as quickly

and painlessly as possible.

Okay, no problem. As I said, it's a very good property.

[SIGHS]

ROBERT: Go!

[LAUGHS]

Yes! [LAUGHS]

Well done, Jonny.

I'm Glenn.

He's Jonno.

Gotcha.

Aye, good. Good.

-Gold, eh? -Aye. Perfect.

[CHUCKLES]

LAURA: What have you been up to, Robert?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Jesus.

WOMAN ON RADIO: ...little more changeable from Saturday morning.

So, if you're heading out early for Doors Open Day tomorrow,

you might want to take an umbrella.

ALLAN: Where the hell is Mike? Shall I ring him again?

ROBERT: Don't worry, Allan. He'll meet us in the pub.

But that's ridiculous, everybody can ride a bike.

ALLAN: Well, we're not actually going cycling, though, are we?

ROBERT: No, no, no, but the point is, we go into the pub

and we talk about cycling, we draw attention to ourselves,

and then bright and early we leave,

and everyone will assume that we've gone cycling, yeah?

It's like, erm...

It's like putting a beautiful frame around a picture.

It just sets up the whole story.

ALLAN: I think I'll ring Mike again. What do you think?

ROBERT: Oh, Allan, get a grip!

-[MOBILE PHONE RINGS] -Oh, for the love of God, Allan, not again!

[SIGHS] Hi, Laura.

Wanna sit down here?

I heard you sold the business.

Yeah.

Should've done it years ago. My heart's not really in it any more.

Well, what will you do?

I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.

Look, Laura, what are we doing? I thought we were done.

Yeah.

Well, go and get married and be happy.

I'm not gonna bother you any more.

Yeah, I didn't come here to talk about us, Mike.

[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.

I came here to talk about Robert.

What about him?

Well, I'm doing the inventory for the collection and...

[SCOFFS] Well, it's a mess.

-Well, you know what he's like. -I don't know, I just

hope he hasn't done anything stupid, that's all.

Well, I think Robert's more than capable of looking after himself.

Yeah. Well, I just thought I'd tell you as a friend.

A friend?

Laura, Robert's my friend.

What did you mean when you said your heart's not in it?

Just being here, doing this,

doesn't really make sense any more.

-Why? -Ah, come on. Why do you think?

-Mike... -Don't.

Don't. Don't do that.

You should probably go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

Yeah, I used to be obsessed with cycling when I was young,

and then I gave it up for years and years

and just recently started again.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, "This is the way forward,"

'cause, you know, the scenery, the hills are just right,

whereas the gym is the most boring place in the world.

Where the hell's Mike? Shall I give him another call?

Relax, Allan. He'll be here.

Drink up, it's your round. More of the same, please.

MAN ON RADIO: And for those of you out there

looking for something to do with the family this Saturday morning,

don't forget about Doors Open Day.

This increasingly popular annual event is happening right across the city today

with more than 50 of Edinburgh's less accessible premises

and more mysterious landmarks opening their doors...

BRUCE: It's my mistake.

I should never have suggested that you come along.

[SNIFFLES] I should never have come.

Well, it's better to find out now, though, isn't it?

What you really want.

I don't know what I really want.

Then getting married to me would've been rather reckless,

-wouldn't it? -Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

I'll see you down the repository.

I'm going for a walk.

Come in. Do you copy? Do you copy?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]

-All right, McKenzie? -Hi.

-I thought maybe you'd bottled it. -Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

-ROBERT: Hi, Mike. -Morning.

Do you copy me? Are you copying me? Yes?

Hello.

Where the hell were you last night?

It's okay. Er, something came up, but it's sorted now.

Well, it better be.

If you've compromised the mission, Mike...

If... If I've compromised the mission?

Allan, we're only gonna swap a couple of paintings,

we're not taking on a terrorist cell.

Yeah. Sorry.

CHARLIE: The fakes are in the van.

-Put your mobiles in here. -ROBERT: Copy.

CHARLIE: You get them back when we're back at base.

What?

Should we synchronise watches?

There's no need for that.

As soon as Mike sends a blank text from inside the vault,

everyone begins.

Brighty's in place. And remember,

these phones are disposable for a reason.

I'm... I'm trying to raise Glenno on this, and he's just not answering.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]

Shall we try being on the same channel?

-Ready? -ALL: Yes.

-Don't mess up. -No.

-Come on, get in! -Make sure the pictures are secure.

[GEARS CRUNCH] Oh.

Oh, dear.

[BRAKES SCREECH] The gearbox is a bit slippy.

[BRAKES SCREECH] Oh, sorry!

[GEARS CRUNCH] Come on!

Come on. Hey, hey, hey!

[LAUGHS] Hold on.

Hi, Mike, it's Laura.

Erm... I... I need to talk to you.

Er, so could you

call me back as soon as you get this?

[AFFECTING SCOTTISH ACCENT] Good morning!

-Morning. The cleaners at the usual time. -Aye.

-MARTIN: Where's Billy? -Erm, er, he's sick.

Oh, Billy, the lazy bugger!

Here for Doors Open Day? That's it this way.

Just make your way up to the building.

That's it. Keep coming.

-Hey, Martin. -Good morning, Miss Stanton.

I wasn't expecting you.

It's not a good day. We've got all these visitors.

Oh, I'll just be in the print room.

Probably be better if you come back another time.

I won't get in anybody's way, I promise.

Welcome to Midlothian Repository here on Doors Open Day.

I think it's safe to say most of you will be amazed

at the astonishing collection of art which this building contains.

But first, some basic housekeeping.

In the unlikely event of a fire,

the main exit is through reception here,

and then we go out to the muster point,

which is just on the flagstones in front of the building.

[SIGHS]

Right, get your gloves on.

Right, if you'd just like to follow me into the repository itself...

-[LOCK BEEPS] -...the tour can begin.

This way.

Come on, darling! Do you want to play football or not?

Good girl.

I know it looks far, but it's not really.

Don't forget to look up.

Pretend you're in a cruise ship. Keep up at the back.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to enter the restricted area,

so I'm afraid there are one or two more rules and regulations.

ALLAN: Excuse me.

Sorry. Er, I need the toilet.

Okay, er, back down the corridor, second door on your left.

We'll wait here for you.

-I'll need to swipe you through. -Thank you.

Try not to be too long.

So, once we go through the doors,

the most important thing is do not touch any of the artworks.

Some of them are extremely valuable.

If anyone feels unwell,

the air quality is slightly strange

due to the climatic control, humidity control.

If you do feel unwell, let me know as soon as you can.

GUIDE: Some of man's earliest art has been discovered in Aberdeenshire,

...a dish decoratively carved stone balls, petrospheres, dating from the...

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

-[ALARM RINGING] -Fire alarm.

Er, right, back to the muster point.

Straight through reception. Follow me.

Right, team, let's get to it.

[STOPWATCH BEEPS]

Not again.

Quickly, without running. Straight to the muster point, ladies and gents.

Swiftly but safely. Thank you.

Twenty minutes. Go.

[STOPWATCH TICKING]

[MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

Bingo.

We're three short.

Mr Reynolds.

Mr Gainsborough.

Miss Stanton.

-It's not as if it's a real fire, is it? -That's not the point!

[ALARM RINGING]

Open sesame.

You take the low numbers, I'll take the high numbers.

[HUMS]

[ALARM RINGING]

[BEEPING]

Here's the fake.

In you go with it, as fast as you can.

-See, swipe in, swipe out. -That's what I did.

Swipe in, swipe out.

-I did exactly what you did. -I think you've broke it.

I did exactly what you did!

[ALARM RINGING]

I think we should call the police.

The police? Oh, no, no.

That won't be necessary. No.

Sorry, are you challenging my authority?

-We'll phone the police! We'll phone the police! -Thank you.

Okay.

[PANTS]

Just one more of these to go,

and then we can start replacing them with the fakes.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm only halfway through the lithographs,

but there is all sorts of stuff missing, just like I thought.

[DIAL TONE]

Psst! Mike!

[WHISPERS] I need your help.

So, how is that art...

ROBERT: Well, it's art because...

Look, we're running out of time here.

Well, we've still got two paintings. We haven't made the swap.

One of them happens to be your boss's.

Oh. Whoa. That's not gonna work.

Grab the ladder.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

-Mr Cameron! -Hi.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping to get inside.

Oh, we're busy today. We're too busy.

What are all these people doing waiting outside?

It's a fire alarm drill thing.

It's all right for authorised personnel, though, yeah?

MARTIN: No, no, you can't go in there!

[ALARM RINGING]

Mike. Swipe card.

So, they're not letting anyone in.

Can you come out, please?

Yeah, that might be a bit tricky.

I can't get out. My card won't work.

[DOOR BUZZES]

ALLAN: Mike.

[DOOR PANEL BEEPS]

It's just not working.

Allan.

The swipe card.

Allan.

The swipe card, Allan.

Hello, there. Are you here for the Doors Open tour?

Er, no, no, I'm authorised. I'm with the bank. I've got my card.

Oh. I can't let anyone go in at the moment.

We've had to evacuate the building 'cause of a fire alarm.

[ALARM RINGING]

Well, yeah, I understand that,

but at the moment, we can't let anyone go in or out.

Just a protocol, I'm afraid, until the fire brigade give the all-clear.

Martin to Theresa!

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Mike? What's the matter?

Charlie, you're gonna have to call Brighty. We're stuck in here.

You're gonna have to get him to reprogramme all the doors to open.

Oh, you're an amateur idiot!

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Allan.

Stop it.

Yeah.

-CHARLIE: I need you to go in again. -No.

-It's too dangerous. -Brighty, just do it.

[SIGHS] All right. All right.

Right, I'm phoning Charlie.

I'm just gonna go round the back, if that's all right.

You know, you really shouldn't leave the muster point

until the fire brigade have given the all-clear.

I've got authorisation.

-No, no, Mr Cameron, you can't go in. -Why not?

Well... You don't have clearance.

I've got plenty of clearance. You can calm down. It's all right.

Crikey.

[DOOR BEEPS] Yes!

[DOOR BEEPS]

-[PHONE RINGS] -GLENNO: Come on, Charlie, pick up!

Right, that's it, we're out of time.

Start the engine, we're out of here.

What about the boss's painting?

Doesn't really matter about the boss's painting.

He can get another one. Come on, we're out of time! Start the engine!

[MUFFLED ARGUING]

-Oh, my God! -Oh, shit.

ROBERT: I didn't know he was there. What was he doing there?

Christ, you've killed him.

Don't be stupid! Get him shifted!

And get back in the van!

Erm, Jonny! Jonno, Jonno! Come here!

You know my name now, eh?

ROBERT: Give me a hand!

Mike! We've still got the fakes!

They're supposed to be in the vault!

Mike! Come on! Let's go!

Give me 30 seconds.

ROBERT: Mike, what are you doing? Mike!

-Where's he going? Mike! -ALLAN: The Monboddo!

Wait! Wait, two minutes! Mike! Mike!

We need to get out of here!

-Two minutes. -No, no, no, not two minutes!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Move!

-What are you doing? -Mike!

Mike! Come on, come on! Two minutes. Two minutes.

-[SHOUTING] Allan, I'm here! -Go, go, go!

-[TYRES SCREECH] -ALLAN: Mike!

MIKE: Allan! Come on, quickly!

MIKE: Allan, run!

-ALLAN: Mike! -Come on!

I'm not gonna do this again!

[ALARM RINGING]

Bruce?

Jesus, he's still coming!

-JONNO: Get him in! -Come on, get him in!

[TYRES SCREECH]

Right, he's in. Come on, Jonno, go!

[SIREN WAILS]

You didn't call the police, did you?

They were engaged.

MIKE: Jonno, not too fast.

Are you insane. What kind of getaway car doesn't go too fast?

We don't wanna draw attention to ourselves.

Great.

Now we've got the originals and the fakes.

Yeah, change of plan.

Don't worry, I've got an idea.

ROBERT: Now, Mr Calloway, it is absolutely essential

that you keep her away from any extremes of temperature, moisture or light.

-Hmm? -CHARLIE: Right.

ROBERT: Okay, in you go. Tenderly, tenderly.

That's it. That's it.

CHARLIE: This bit of business, you know what it means, don't you?

It means I know your shit and you know my shit,

and that goes for your boys, as well.

-I'll pass it on. -You do that.

You lads ditch the fakes. I'll take this one to Newcastle.

GLENNO: [CLEARS THROAT] Hello, police?

Aye. There's this abandoned van down by the docks.

Looks a bit dodgy, you know?

Aye, it's just down by the water, you know?

Okay.

Are you sure Bruce didn't get a good look at you?

Absolutely positive.

And even if he had, what difference would it make?

Your disguises were so brilliant, that he'd be none the wiser.

We'll have left a clue.

It's like a fibre of cloth or a stray hair

or tyre tracks by the caravan.

-I've seen CSI. -[LAUGHS]

Allan, if you could just kerb your natural pessimism for a second,

we set out to do something and we did it.

The police will find the van with the fakes.

They'll think the thieves have panicked and just made off.

-Yes. -ROBERT: And let's face it,

Bruce can't have seen me or recognised me 'cause if he had,

-the police would've called. -Yeah, Okay.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Er, Professor Gissing.

Yes, Inspector, how can I help you?

Really? That's... That's absolutely awful!

What... Yes.

Well, if you think I could be of any assistance, natur...

No, no, no, not at all. I'd be completely delighted.

Absolutely, I look forward to seeing you, Inspector. Goodbye.

-Our friends, the police. -What?

It seems a van full of paintings was discovered,

stolen works of art, some sort of bungled robbery,

and they want me to authenticate the works.

[SIGHS]

ROBERT: It's, erm, not exactly an unexpected surprise.

Who else would they ask? I am more or less

the world's leading authority on those paintings.

I think that calls for three more whiskies, don't you?

-Yes. -Yes.

-Is this it? -Aye.

Help yourself.

That's really good, darling. You should stick in at that.

What would you know about it, you big arse?

[LAUGHS]

-Detective Inspector Ransome, I presume? -Yes.

Professor Gissing.

I'm here to authenticate the pictures.

-I gather they've all been found. -Well, looks like it.

-Any idea who the perpetrators were? -None.

Bunch of amateurs, by the looks of things.

Oh, not so amateur if they were able to

-get in and out here undetected. -Mmm.

Erm, are there any other works missing?

Well, we don't think so, but we're gonna have to go through

the rest of the collection just to be sure.

[CHUCKLES]

-That's not a job for the faint-hearted. -No.

Something must have made them panic, I think.

ROBERT: Anyway, the good news is

that these beautiful pictures have been returned unharmed,

and if that's so, then it's important

that they're placed back in the collection where they belong

as soon as possible.

-MIKE: Hello? -Hi. Erm, it's me.

-MIKE: Come up. -[DOOR BUZZING]

Hi. Erm...

-I left you a message, but... -You okay?

[SIGHS] Yeah, it's been a crazy 24 hours.

-I mean, you heard about the robbery? -Mmm.

The police wanted to talk to us, and Bruce got hurt.

-Is he okay? -Yeah-ish.

Poor Bruce.

Erm, can I come in?

It's a fake.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. No doubt at all.

So, you, er, you're really leaving, then?

Well, yeah, I said I was.

Did you think I was making it up?

No, no.

Where you gonna go?

Haven't decided.

Right.

-I'd offer you a drink, but, erm... -It's over, Mike.

With me and Bruce. I, er...

I called things off.

Erm, yeah, er... [CLEARS THROAT]

Okay.

I've tried really hard to

forget about you and just move on, but...

You're the only person I'm thinking about whenever you're not there.

So...

Yep.

Okay.

I have to ask you a question.

Yeah?

Why do you never look back when you say goodbye?

-What? -Whenever I drop you off anywhere,

like the train station or an airport,

you say goodbye but you never look back.

And I always have to look back.

So, the conclusion that I came to

was that I needed you more than you needed me.

Well, that's not true.

And then, the other night you swanned off into the sunset

and you didn't look back, and the conclusion I came to then was that

I was never gonna see you again.

-Okay, erm... -Why did you never look back?

Because I knew you would be there.

Because...

I knew you loved me.

That makes sense.

I do love you.

I'm still in love with you.

Never stopped.

Well...

I still love you, too. And...

I never stopped.

-Hang on. Wait. Hey. -Hmm?

[SIGHS]

I have to tell you something.

Right, let's get this over with.

-You stole our painting? -Well, you see,

I didn't know you were coming back.

You... You idiot!

-Mike! -[DOOR CLOSING]

And the others? I mean, what are they getting out of this?

Well, Allan's broke

and he saw it as a way out.

And Robert, well...

Robert wanted to liberate them.

Steal them, you mean.

He wanted to steal them for himself.

Well, we replaced them with fakes

and we put the fakes in a van to be discovered by the police.

Where are the originals? Where are they now?

They're in Robert's cottage.

Well, all except one,

which we had to give to a guy named Calloway,

and, well, that's probably in Newcastle by now.

Hi, Laura.

Hi... Allan.

-Does she know everything? Right. -Yeah.

ALLAN: Have you told the police?

No, Allan, no,

because you are going to put the paintings back.

All of them.

I can't see Robert agreeing to that.

NEWSREADER: Police are still looking into the baffling events

surrounding a bungled robbery that took place at the Midlothian Repository

during Doors Open Day yesterday afternoon.

It seems that the thieves, who stole several...

Charlie? Charlie!

What?

CHARLIE: Oh, here we go.

[PHONE RINGING]

No, not picking up.

Well, he's probably still driving on his way back to the cottage.

[LAUGHS]

Did you two really,

really honestly believe that you were gonna get away with this?

Hmm?

I mean, the fakes may have bought you some time,

but what about all the things you didn't fake?

What are you talking about?

The drawings. The Picasso, the Matisse?

No idea what you're talking about.

LAURA: There are over a dozen things missing.

And we haven't even got halfway through the inventory.

All right. Hang on, we took seven paintings.

That's it. And we had fakes for every one.

I'll have to go and find Robert.

-Allan, you stay here. -Yeah. Yeah.

You wanna come with me?

-I had no idea. I trust... -Listen, it's Sunday.

-I'm a religious man. -Yeah.

-I should be on the golf course. -Yeah.

Instead I'm up here in jock land collecting bad debts.

I trusted you, Charlie. I helped you out.

You ripped me off.

-I swear to you... -THE GEORDIE: Shut up.

Yes.

It's simple.

You've got this afternoon to sort this mess out

or I'm cutting me losses

the old-fashioned way.

And then getting home to Newcastle in time for Downtown Abbey.

You understand?

Yep. I understand.

Mike?

Is this him?

CHARLIE: That's his wee girlfriend.

THE GEORDIE: Done a bolt then, has he, this mate of yours?

-It's not good. -No.

No.

Get yourself some chips?

Hello, Charlie.

[GROANS]

Where's Mike?

Hello?

They should be in here.

Wow.

He's cleared the place out.

How much do you think it's all worth?

Well, the paintings you lot took, almost a million,

but if you count the prints he's taken,

it's a couple of million, at least.

I'm so sorry, Mike.

Son of a bitch.

I'm gonna have to phone Allan.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Allan. -ALLAN: Mike?

-Oh, thank God. Erm... -MIKE: What's wrong?

Mike, you better hurry up and come down to Calloway's office here.

Why? What for?

ALLAN: It's all gone a bit tits-up, really. Er...

I'm really sorry. Look, hurry up, Mike. They're coming to get you...

Thought you'd get away with giving me a fake, did you?

Look, listen, Charlie...

You've got my picture, I've got your friend.

Charlie, I haven't got your painting.

Get your arse down to my office right now.

LAURA: Mike.

Mike!

-Who's that? -MIKE: Who?

Jesus, that was quick.

What's wrong?

I'm gonna have to go with those guys

and I want you to do something for me.

Take the keys, wait until I'm gone,

drive to the hotel, and if I'm not back within an hour,

you call the police.

-Why? What's happening? -No. Do you remember I told you

-about a guy called Calloway? -Uh-huh.

Well, Robert's given him a fake painting

and he was gonna use it to pay off a debt.

He thinks I've got the original.

They've got Allan.

-They've got Allan? -Yeah.

-For Christ sake, Mike, just call the police! -No, no.

Just give me a couple of hours.

I'm gonna go and sort it out.

It'll be okay.

Party for McKenzie!

-All right, Glenn? -Where's your pal, Gissing?

I don't know. I think he's done a runner

and I think he's taken the paintings with him.

You're free to take a look around if you want.

Well, you thought you were all so clever, didn't you?

Play a little joke on the schemies.

-No, it's not like that. -Calloway is raging.

The Geordies are raging.

Move. In the car.

Move!

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

CHARLIE: Hiya, Mike!

How you doing, Mike? Nice to see your face.

All right, Charlie?

What is this?

What do you think this is? What is this?

Well, I'm assuming it's not your painting.

Oh, you're assuming, are you?

You're assuming correctly, McKenzie.

And I'm assuming you and your pals have got the original.

I don't have your painting, Charlie.

Gissing stitched us up, he's taken all our paintings,

mine, Allan's and...

I don't know how he's done it yet, but he swapped yours for a fake.

No. You came to me,

you asked for my help, I gave my help.

You gave me this picture,

this worthless piece of shit picture.

I passed it on to my friend, in good faith,

as a down-payment on an outstanding debt!

I'm getting bored, Charlie. He doesn't have your painting.

What... I'm an idiot.

What was I thinking?

Mixing with the likes of you, McKenzie.

Charlie, really not helping.

Your shit is my shit, remember?

Well, here we are, this is our shit, and we're in it together.

I think we're getting off the point here, lads.

I agree with you.

Do you mind?

I can get you your money.

I can pay off Charlie's debts.

You're gonna have to give me a day or two at least, my money's tied up.

In my business, in my house,

I've got nothing under the mattress.

No! Shite!

He's got loads of dosh.

-Please, no, don't... -ALLAN: Aw, Jesus!

Don't involve him in this.

Give me till tomorrow. At least.

It's always manana with you jocks, isn't it? Eh?

You better write a cheque, Mike, you better do something.

I don't think you understand the situation here.

I can take a hit for £200,000 if I have to.

Some sort of payment has to be made today.

Now, I don't mind if it's a painting,

I don't mind if it's cash.

Don't mind of it's good old-fashioned flesh and bone.

-[WHIMPERS] -See.

But some sort of payment must be made.

-Aye. -I've got no option.

So, as it's your first offence...

Left foot or right foot?

I mean, do you have a preference?

Me?

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.

For the love of Christ.

Hello, yourself. Hey, please, come in, take a pew. Who's this, eh?

CHARLIE: I dunno.

You got a plan, honey?

-Mmm-hmm. -Okay.

Erm,

I don't know if this would help,

it's a John Patrick Monboddo,

Gissing left it for you in the cottage, Mike.

It is the original.

THE GEORDIE: I wanted a big landscape. Eh?

A John Smart, not a pissy little portrait.

Okay. Okay. Yes, but this one,

this one has a story.

Her name is Magdalena Dudek and she was Polish and a singer.

Monboddo fell in love with her

and begged her to marry him.

So, she did.

Then after a couple of years, she left him heartbroken,

and they found him in Paris with nothing.

Nothing apart from this portrait.

What's the asking price?

She's very marketable.

Probably a couple of hundred grand,

if not more, if you find the right buyer.

I'm gonna have to rush you.

-Oh, aye? -Yes, I've called the police.

-You what? -THE GEORDIE: Eh?

-[SIRENS APPROACHING] -Er...

Christ!

CHARLIE: Oh, you stupid cow!

THE GEORDIE: It better not be another forgery, Charlie!

Come on, let's get out of here.

You know, I think I'll take it.

Great.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

-This way. This way. Come on! -Oh, my God. What the hell...

-Allan, are you okay? -Oh, yeah, fine.

I can't believe you called the police.

Oh, God, we're gonna go to prison.

It's all right. I just told them it was a fire.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

ROBERT: "My dear Michael, and indeed, my dear Laura,

"for I cannot write the one name without thinking of the other.

"I've been blessed with many things in my life,

"but I've never found the love that so clearly exists between you.

"My passion has always been for my work.

"Just as I know with absolute certainty

"that the two of you should not be parted,

"I hope you'll understand that I could not be parted from my beloved paintings.

"But I leave you the Monboddo as a memento mori.

"A symbol to remind you that life is short,

"that you must grab life by the throat, smudges and all.

"I will think of you.

"And if you should ever pass a thought in my direction,

"I hope it will be a kind one.

"Best wishes, Robert Gissing."

Bonjour.

[INAUDIBLE]

No! Mike, no.

We were wondering about this painting here.