Original subtitles

♪ There's always a joker in the pack ♪

♪ There's always a lonely clown ♪

♪ And there is a jester, just a fool ♪

♪ As foolish as he can be ♪

♪ There's always a joker That's the rule ♪

♪ But fate deals a hand and I see ♪

♪ The joker is me ♪

♪ The joker is me ♪

♪ The joker ♪

♪ Is me ♪

Well, I didn’t think it’d go this far.

It’s like I've been possessed or something.

What about Kim?

Don’t worry about Kim.

Okay, you right there?

- Oh, there’s Peter. - G'day, Pete.

- I told him we were coming back. - Oh, you got the papers put on?

Yeah, yeah.

- Said we were coming back today. - Hey, did I show you this, Kim?

I got it in Milan.

Can you believe it, they’ve got an Oz Knits outlet in Milan!

And these are all the rave in Europe.

And I got, oh, for Epponnee, for little Epps,

look what I got for you, darling. Isn't this cute?

“My Grandma Went On The Da Vinci Code Tour

And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.”

Oh, I really like that. I could fit into that. Might wear that.

Oh, anyway, Kim, the tour was great this time, you know.

It first started in the Louvre, in Paris, just like in The Da Vinci Code.

And the group, they were awesome, weren’t they?

And just like in the book, they pretended to lock us in the museum overnight.

- It was a hoot. - Yeah, but I was,

I was ahead of them, wasn’t I? Because what I did, Kim,

is that I went up to the second floor, jumped out the toot window,

came around, let Kel out,

and that’s how we gave the Opus Dei albino the slip.

The albino’s the chap, uh, who runs the whole Da Vinci Code tours.

- Fellow by the name of John Monk. - Yeah, he was nice.

But he was funny, wasn’t he? Not funny ha, ha. Funny weird.

- Mm. Oh, he’s raking it in, though. - Yeah.

How long have these osso buccos been sitting here?

I just bought them yesterday.

Well you can’t be leaving meat out in this weather.

"Can’t be leaving meat out in this weather."

Yeah, it was sort of like The Amazing Race, Kim.

- You know, that TV show? - Well, it sounds boring.

Oh, no, it wasn’t boring. They even had an orgy

in a crypt one night after tea,

- didn’t they, Kath? - Oh, it was so real, Kim.

It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here.

Eww!

If it was so awesome, how come you’re home early?

Oh, as it happens, at our last stop,

we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus’s.

- Yeah, he runs a B&B with his wife, Kerry. - Mm.

- Kim, he was such a phony. - Oh, you could clearly see

he had a stick-on beard.

Yeah, so we just... we just left. You know, we’d seen enough.

John Monk was not happy. We nearly came to blows.

He sent me this weird text, Kath.

I think he reckons we still owe him forty-four euros.

Oh, well, what can he do now, Kel? I mean, he’s in France.

He’s in the Dordogne, you nong.

And that’s your tidy bag for your mandarin peels etc.

Ooh, mind your hump, Mr. Monk. That’s it.

Remember, we drive on the left-hand side of the road,

in Australia.

No! Go to sleep, please!

No, it's fine, Kel. It’s fine. It’s not off.

Yogurt smells like that.

So, so tell me, Kim. What’s all, you know, what's all the goss?

What’s been happening around here?

Brett’s had a big promotion.

- Oh, really, what? - Yeah. He’s been moved sideways.

Yeah, so the pressure’s really on me now.

You wouldn’t know what it’s like to be married to a very successful guy.

Oh, wouldn’t I? What do you call this guy

here eating his yogurt and muesli? So tell me, what’s the promotion?

Well, Brett is now the official Computa City floater.

Oh, a floater.

Well, what does that specifically entail, Kim?

Well, Brett sort of explained it like he’s kind of like an octopus.

You know, spreading his testicles over all departments.

- Oh, that sounds like a big job. - Yeah, oh, and the perks, Mum.

- Yeah? - You know, he gets a company car

- and a new flip phone. - Oh, you’ll be able

to move out then soon, Kim.

Oh, we’ve got to save first. Anyway, anyway,

I've got this Christmas party, tomorrow night,

and I really want to get something that I can wipe the floor with.

Oh, look, well I can help you with that.

Look, we can hit Fountain Gate tomorrow, first thing.

Oh, that is empty now. ‘Cause, you know, I've got so much to do.

Only two weeks till Christmas. I've got to source a Christmas tree,

settle on a tinsel theme, tout suite. Oh, back to life, back to reality.

But, you know, I love Christmas, Kim. It’s so exciting.

Can you grab those bags for me? Bring 'em up. Thank you, Kim.

Kim?

See you, Kath.

Oh, bye Brett. Ooh, you look great. I like that khaki suit.

Yeah, it’s Hugo Boss.

- Oh, muddy paws, muddy paws. - Bye, babe!

Twistie fingers.

- See you, Kel. - Bye, Brett.

Bloody Pete. Paper missing again.

Oh! Oh, there it is, Kel. I can see it’s in the guttering.

Oh, I'll have to get it later.

- Oh, hi Kel. - Hi, Sharon.

Oh, no!

Are you not going out? Oh, no!

What’s happened to your wrists, Sharon? Is it your carpal tunnel flaring up again?

Oh, no, Mrs. D. It’s my CSI from too much computer.

- Oh. - Um, actually, that’s why I'm here.

I was wondering if I could use yours. I've got a virus.

Oh, yeah, go for it. The backdoor is open.

And by the way, the trip was marvelous, thanks for asking.

- Oh, sorry, Mrs. D. How was it? - I'm only joshing you, Sharon.

- I'll bend your ear hole later. - What do you need the computer for?

Oh, I'm internet dating.

I've made a vow. I'm not gonna spend Christmas

- on my own again. - Oh, so we’re going to have to buy

- the turkey this year? - Kim.

Anyway, I've got to go. I've got guys to google.

Oh. Well, you go google, girl.

- Thanks, Mrs. D. - Gee, internet dating.

I hope Sharon’s careful. There’s a lot of loonies out there.

Oh, Sharon will be right, then.

Now sweets, don’t go too mad at the shops.

Oh, are you kidding, Kel? I've got so much to buy.

I've gotta buy wrapping paper, gift tags, sticky tape.

- Oh. - I do not want to know.

Mum, why’d you have to get the tree first?

Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later, I would have only got a bendy one.

Oh, look, let’s go in there. I want to get my table décor.

Oh, hello. Do you sell Chrissie theme serviettes?

No. We sell napkins.

- But you’ll need to go to Manchester. - Manchester? Really?

Down the back.

Napery.

Same to you.

Hi, Trude. I got here as soon as I could.

Hi, Prue.

- How’s the court case going? - Oh, not great.

Adrian’s resigning off every company he’s ever had preferential shares in.

- Mm. - Bloody ASIC.

- I know! They’re just bullies. - Mm.

They’ve been sniffing around Noosa.

Graham’s had to go and put in a bloody ramp,

so he can call it a special facility.

- I mean, he’s ruined my whole façade. - Oh, no, Trude!

Well, you know, you can just grow something over that.

You know, like a bougainvillea

- or something. - Oh, yes.

- Or a choko vine. - Mm.

- I'll get Paul onto that. - Yes.

- Oh, poor Adrian. - Oh no, Trude, not poor Adrian.

I have no sympathy for him.

You know, he gets on a few boards and he goes mad with power.

Oh, Graham’s the same. Power, power, power.

- They love it. - I know. They’re all assholes.

And did I tell you, all those lovely Whiteleys he gave me

for my birthday have had to go back to the National Gallery.

- Oh. - I know.

So how are you living? Hand to mouth?

Absolutely.

Adrian is still trading though,

- through his secret Swiss accounts. - Yes.

But you know, I'm just glad I'm working,

- that’s for sure. - Yes,

your two hours a week here must really help the coffers.

- Mm, they do. - Now, Prue, I hate to talk work,

but this morning we’ve got that awful guy from Blanco.

Oh, no! He’s so mealy-mouthed.

- He always talks Bosch. - I know. He makes me want to Gaggenau.

Oh, Trude, me too.

Oh no, I see faux fur’s back.

Oh, what is she doing down there?

Hanging on to her tree.

Don’t you think she could get it delivered?

I don’t think they deliver where she lives.

Oh, Trude, you’re dreadful. You’re dreadful!

Bloody joker!

You could have killed me! I'm taking your number.

"EUROS 44."

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh look, Mum. Another present I got for Epponnee.

It’s the bath book version of The Da Vinci Code.

- Oh! - Look, it squeaks

when you press the albino.

Right, well who do I still need

to buy for, Kim?

I've got my health professionals, my physio, my osteo,

my chiro and my gyno.

They’re all getting bottles of Cockfighter’s, so that’s done.

Now my service providers. I've got my postie, my garbo,

my recycles man.

Coles Online guys, I still need to get something for them.

I've still gotta get something good for Brett.

- You know, he’s really into labels now. - Oh, really?

What, stick on or iron on? ‘Cause we can go down

- to Office works for that. - No, Mum, his clothes. Designer labels.

- Oh. - You know, Dolce & Cabana,

Tony Hilfinger, Louise Vuton.

Oh gee, who’s he dressing to impress?

Actually, I've got Brett’s present. It’s great.

It's the John Grisham newy, The Firm Client.

Actually, that sounds a bit more like Kel, doesn’t it?

Oh, Brett doesn’t read at the moment, now he’s a workaholic.

Yeah, I've noticed. He’s very driven at the moment,

isn’t he, Kim?

I have to say, I think it suits him. He did look very spunky going off

- in his Hugo Boss this morning. - Yeah.

He’s got his sight set on the top.

You know, eventually, he wants to be owner/manager.

Oh, well, that’s where the kudos is, Kim, you know. Ooh.

Being a franchisee.

Gee, one day I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim.

Yeah, well, you look more like a chimpanzee today.

What?

- Don’t be stupid, Kim. I do not. - Anyway, I've gotta go

and get your present.

Where? Where are you going?

- I'll be in the two-dollar shop. - Oh.

All right, well I'm going down to Snappy Legs,

so I'll see you down there.

I've got to get a new bra, sports bra for my strictly dancing class tonight.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh!

- Oh! - How’s it going, Sharon?

Have you met anybody yet?

Oh, no, not really, Mrs. D.

Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles.

Oh well, look, whatever you do, love, don’t put your photo up.

Oh, I already have. Why?

Do you think it would put people off?

Oh no, Sharon, you’ve got a very pretty face.

- It wasn’t full length though, was it? - No.

No, well, I'm just thinking for security, love, you know.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

Ta da!

Oh, my God, Kim.

- What? - Nothing.

That looks nice, love. Turn around.

What are you holding your arms out like that for, Kim?

It’s my tan in a can spray. It’s nice, isn’t it?

Yeah, it is. It's different.

- Yeah, it's nice. - It's orange.

- Yeah, it is orange. - Yeah, it goes perfect with the red.

- Yeah. - Is that for Brett’s drinks tonight?

Yep, I'm going to be rubbing shoulders with middle management,

and Brett is finally going to introduce me to the UFO of the company.

Oh, Kim, you’re just rubbing shoulders with my wall at present.

Come on, get a chux and wipe that off, please.

- Oh! - Oh, my God, Kim,

- you’ve missed a big patch on your back. - What?

Your fake tan.

- Yeah, well, that’s the look I'm going… - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- …for Sharon… - Yeah, yeah, correct.

- Correct. Shh. - Brett, where have you been?

No. No, get rid of him. We can do that now.

No, no warnings.

All right, see you tonight.

Ooh, hello Christmas.

I could smell your testosterone from here, Brett.

- Oh, Mum, revolting! - That's my Ralph Lauren.

- Who are you wearing, Kim? - Brett we’re supposed to be there at 6:30.

I SMS'd you as soon as I heard. Partners are uninvited.

- What? - Kim, you have to check your phone.

I do check my phone, Brett, every five minutes,

and I did not get a text from anyone today.

What do you mean, partners have been uninvited?

Well, it’s part of the new workplace agreement.

Partners are now outlawed from workplace drinks

- and or slash nibbles. - Oh.

Brett, I think I got that text.

- Did you, Mrs. D? - Yeah.

Oh, I still haven’t figured this phone out.

Do you mean I can’t come?

Oh, you’re so selfish.

Oh, Kim. Look, it’s not Brett’s fault.

If you’re gonna blame anybody, blame John Howard.

Who?

- Kim... - No, Brett, let me finish.

You’ve had your say.

I've worked my guts out for these drinks tonight.

I've had my nails refilled, I've had my Botox shots,

- which you have not even mentioned. - Sorry, Kim. They look great.

Have you got partner shame, Brett?

When have I ever embarrassed you? When? Just tell me, one time.

Um, actually, Kim, you know, there was that last drinks, remember?

When Brett was trying to impress that big client from Samsung?

And you came up and your top fell off, when you were blind?

I was not blind. And that was a wardrobe malfunction.

I've gotta run. I've gotta change me top.

Oh, run then. Go to your stupid party.

Yes, I'll put my Caliber top on, I think.

Hey girls, anyone for salsa?

- You right for dance class, doll? - Oh, Kel, you look gorgeous!

You look just like Todd McKinney.

And you’d make a very respectable Nikki Webster,

- if you grew your hair a bit. - Oh.

You, you look bigger. You gone up a size?

Oh no, Kel, they’re these. Look. I bought 'em today.

Aren’t they great? They feel so real.

Oh, and look what I got today.

They’re for our hip hop street rap routine.

- Oh! - They’re reflector.

Kel, what a fabulous idea.

And look, we can wear them now because we’re gonna walk,

- and it is gonna get dark soon. - And I need to put the bins out.

Oh, do you? Oh, hang on, Kel,

- I've got another bag here. - Okay.

So are you a desperate housewife tonight, Kim?

- What is that supposed to mean? - Oh, Kel, no.

- It was a joke. - Yeah, but your timing’s way out, love.

Here, take this... Oh! Bum, it’s split!

- Oh, bum, it’s leaking. - Oh. Quick, quick, quick.

Bye.

I really am sorry, Kim.

Are you not talking to me, Kim?

Yes, I'm not talking to you.

And while I'm at it, you know what you’re like?

Just don’t come walking in the door later, legless.

Five, six, seven, eight! And cross! And go!

And one, two.

Dolphin. Get the dolphin.

Give it to her. Give it to her.

That’s fantastic.

Give it to her. Yeah, really good.

Little less showmanship, Kath. A little more technique.

- Kel, I like your ‘tude. - Thanks, Heather.

- Gee, Kath, you’ve got an oily back. - What, Kel?

I can’t help that.

Oh no, it’s a compliment. I mean, your back bends.

- Oh. - Always knew you were flexible, but wow.

All right everyone, gather around. I've got a little announcement to make.

- Oh. - Very exciting.

I can’t believe what a complete ho I look in this dress.

I got a few bites tonight.

Well, get your cortisone cream.

No, Kim, I mean my internet dating.

I gave everyone my home phone number, so, you know, here’s hoping.

Oh, the crime against humanity to keep this locked up.

Maybe, I'll just go to the stupid party.

No, Kim, don’t!

You and Brett have been getting up one another’s goats lately. I've noticed.

I wouldn’t push it if’n I were you.

Sharon, why would I take relationship advice from you?

I've had more boyfriends than you’ve had hot dinners.

- Actually, that couldn’t be right. - Kim!

Oh, why can’t I meet someone like Shane?

- Who? - Shane! Shane Warne.

I'm reading his newy, SMS: A Cry For Help.

Oh, he’s such a spunk.

Oh, can’t see it myself. Why do you like Warney so much?

Well, he’s not choosy at all.

So I figure I'd be in with a chance.

I mean, he pretty much goes for anything on two legs.

And I have them.

I'm more of a Gilly girl, myself. Yeah, he’s like Brett.

You know, a long, cool drink of water. And just like Brett,

wouldn’t even think of looking at another girl.

Ha, ha. Very funny, Brett. Totally inappropriate.

There’s more. There’s more, babe. I mean Kelly.

Kelly.

Nothing.

Hey, Sharon, Brett just sent me a naughty text. Look.

God.

Oh, girls! Kimmy, Sharon, guess what? Exciting news.

What’s happened, Mrs. D?

- Oh! - You won’t believe it.

Our dance class, Sharon, has been chosen to be the dancers

- at Carols by Candlelight. - Oh!

- And guess who we’re backing up? - Who?

- Michael Bublé! - Who?

Michael Bublé, Kim. You know, the two times Logies performer.

Oh, sometimes your ignorance extounds me, Kim.

Oh, Michael Bublé, he’s a spunk!

Oh, absolutely. You know, I bought his new C.D. overseas.

I tell you, there is no other man on God’s green earth

who pushes my buttons the way Michael Bublé does.

Hey, I don’t like the sound of that, Kath.

Oh no, sorry love, Kel, this time you just do not rate.

Oh, my God! Look at the time!

I've gotta get home and check my messages, see ya.

Oh, Kimmy, actually, look, come upstairs while I take my face off

and I'll tell you all about it. Oh, it’s gonna be so exciting.

He's gonna do “Spray”. You know, his hit single.

And we’re gonna be…

Come on ladies, robot man!

See ya!

Wow! Wow! Can I see one thing?

Oh, Saba. Hot!

Oh, thanks.

Oh, excuse me, could I have the boy toy, please?

Oh, jeez, it’s early. Are we gonna kick on?

- Kicking on, Brodie? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shona, where’s good to go? Hairy Canary?

- Yeah! - No, no, no, no, Hairy Canary’s closed.

It’s closed.

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Where’re you going?

- We’re kicking on. - No, I can’t tonight, Brett.

We’ve got stacks of stuff to do tomorrow.

No, you are coming. Mountain View Hotel. Mountain View, Mountain Spew!

- No, no. - No, it’s late.

- Goodnight. - Alright. Love ya.

- See ya. - Fair enough. See ya.

- Horns. - Goodbye.

Goodnight, Brett.

- Merry Christmas, Kelly. - Brett…

- Can I share your cab? - No, Brett.

- Huh? - Not a good idea.

- Are you okay, Brett? - Never better.

Who’s there?

- Poo, Brett! Bloody stinks! - What, what’s going on?

Brett’s chucked in the doona.

- Poor Brett. - Poor Brett? It’s all in my hair.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh yuck, it’s spilling on the carpet.

Oh.

Take it easy.

- Brett! - Oh, sorry.

♪ When marimba rhythms start to play ♪

♪ Sway with me, make me sway ♪

That’s a pretty song, Kath.

♪ Sway with me ♪

♪ Sway with me… ♪

Oh, shh, Kel.

What do you mean? I've got a good voice.

Yeah, you’re all right, But you’re no Michael Bublé.

Is that another new suit?

Oh, here he is.

- You’re looking guilty as hell, Brett. - What?

Heard you got up to a bit of no good last night.

No, who said that, Kath? Who said that?

Oh, no, I... I mean, you just had one too many.

Gee, put the phone down, Russell!

You’d better go.

Kelly will have your balls for breakfast.

Yeah, I better go.

Oh, you still reek.

- Oh. - Do I?

Oh, there goes trouble.

Kimmy, hurry up. I want to get to Target really early

to get my sticky tape before we go see Santa.

Really?

Hi, Prue!

- Got your Grande skinny. - Oh Trude, I can’t pay you for that.

Oh, it’s fine!

I'll just write it down here.

Seen the papers today?

Oh don’t, Trude. It’s all lies.

It’s the bloody tall poppy syndrome.

I know.

- So, Prue, Saturday night. - Oh, can’t wait.

Adrian and I are so looking forward to a boozy night at Koots.

It’s gonna be a hoot! Just be great to get out of Kooyongkoot.

Right. Just on that, look,

I just think we’d be more comfortable if you didn’t come.

You know, I'm only thinking of you.

You know, and Graham can’t afford to be seen with Adrian at the mo.

Do you hate me?

Look, no, I don’t actually. I totally understand, Trude,

because, you know, I'd do the same.

I think we all have to lay low at the moment.

You know, just until the Feds stop bugging us.

Right.

- So, Prue? - Mm?

Do you think Adrian’ll do time?

Well yes, well no. Look, we just don’t know.

- Mm. - But, you know, if he has to go to jail,

Trude, I'm just gonna be totally organized.

You know, like I'm reading Martha Stewart’s newie.

- Have you read it? - No.

Oh, it’s great. It’s called 101 Things To Do Inside.

And it’s got it all, you know. Like, it’s got Petit Point

- for Petty Crims, which is great. - Mm-hmm.

And this is great. It’s Country Craft for Crafty...

Can I help you?

- No? - No?

You know, it's... I've already started collecting stuff.

Like, I've got some throws that are going to look great

- on those cute little metal bunks. - Oh, God, you’re good.

- Yes. - Such a cool cookie.

Actually, speaking of cookies, Trude,

have you seen these Christmas cookie cutters?

- Ohh! - Aren’t they just too fun?

- Oh, they’re so cute! - Uh-huh.

What I'm going to do, I think, is going to wrap those up

and put them under the Stockbrokers in Crisis Giving Tree.

- I think that’d be great. - Great.

No?

- Bye bye. - Bye bye.

Gotta get out on a fun day, Trude.

Oh, that dress keeps riding up, Kim.

- Pull it down. - Don't!

Oh, it’s from Brett. Listen to this.

"Sorry about last night, babe." So you should be.

"I'll bring you a bruffin and a skinny latte."

Oh, woopdy do. Not going to reply. Stuff him.

No, I wouldn’t be playing the cold shoulder role too often

with Brett, you know, Kim.

The way he’s presenting himself at the moment,

- he’s a most irresistible package. - Oh, give it a bone, Mum.

Now, Kim, which ones do you reckon?

These little mini flashing Santa’s, or the mini candy canes?

- Which ones? - Mm.

- The candy canes. They’re nice. - Candy canes? You reckon?

- Yeah, they are different. - They’re nice. They’re different.

- Yeah, yeah. They’re subtle. - They are really nice.

Yeah, they are subtle, I reckon.

Yeah, okay.

- Good. - Come on.

Straighten those joysticks for me, Sharon, thanks.

B.C, what about you? You must be feeling shocking.

Excuse me? No, Brodie.

There’s a customer over there.

Kelly. Kel.

Come on.

No.

Oh, look at the way that child is running that mother

around her little finger.

She shouldn’t be allowed to get away with that.

- Mum, can I have a giant Wonka bar? - No, you can’t.

Please! I haven’t had anything all day.

No, you just had a packet of Nerds, Kim.

Oh, you’re so mean. I'm starving. Please!

- No! - Please!

- I said, no! - Oh, I hate you!

Kimmy! Kim, look at me please. Look at me. Look at me.

Now I've got one word to say to you, Kim. Oh, yes, all right.

Oh, you and your waters. You don’t know.

Well you don’t have to jump down my neck, Kim.

I'm just saying, he looked guilty as sin.

I mean, we all know what Brett’s like, especially after he’s had a few.

He’s susceptible to getting things in his wandering eye.

Mum, Brett is not having an affair.

Why would he go for fillet steak when he’s got sausage meat at home?

Yeah, Sharon, what is it?

What?

All right.

Is everything all right?

- Brett had fillet steak, last night. - Oh! I knew it! I told you!

Sharon saw him pashing Kelly.

- Oh, Kimmie. - He's so dead.

- Mind Epponnee. - Kim!

Will I see you at Santa’s Castle?

God! Thank you.

Oh bum! I forgot the sticky tape.

Look, I'll be two secs. So sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry.

Oh.

Oh. Sorry.

Which aisle is sticky tape?

- Aisle three. - Aisle three. Thank you.

Brett!

Brett!

I know what you did last night.

Kelly, I can see your pash rash from here, you moll.

- Kim! - That’s it, Brett. I want a divorce.

D-I-V-O-R-S-E.

Kim, shh! I didn’t do anything.

You know, Brett, it’s one thing to crack on to someone else,

but what’s hurt me more deeply than I can say,

is that you chose someone as foul as Kelly!

- Kim, shh. You'll get me the sack. - The sack?

Would it get you the sack if I did this?

- Kim, you’re being crazy. - No, Brett.

For the first time in my life, I'm acting rashly.

Oh, and don’t bother coming home tonight, Brett.

It’s over. Finished. Burrito!

Brett, can I see you in my office, please?

Excuse me, how long is Santa going to be?

Because it says here he’s due back at half past and it’s twenty to now.

I told you before, Madam, he’s on his allocated break.

I saw him going to the toilet, so I'm sure he won’t be long.

Oh. Santa won’t be long, Epps. He’s just gone to the toot.

Santa must be doing number twos, Epps.

Oh, here’s Mummy. What’d you say to him, Kim? What happened?

- We’re separating. I've kicked him out. - Oh Kim, here we go again. Oh!

No, Mum. This time’s for real.

Brett’s a bald-headed liar and, as of now, this little fat duck is officially single

and back on the meat market.

The meat market? Well, who’s gonna wanna buy

a marbled old piece of rump like yours, Kim?

- Plenty of guys. - Oh.

Hi, Santa. I'm Kimberley. What’s your name?

It’s weird. I'm already over Brett.

I've grown so much in the last day, you wouldn’t believe it.

I feel so calm and in control.

Brett’s the one who’s freaking. He’s really cut up.

And it’s funny, because now, so are his clothes.

- Well, who sent it, Kel? - I don't know.

And why is it slashed?

Oh, I guess, that’s poor old cash-strapped,

- Australia Post. - Hmm.

Mm and grind, and around, and lower.

Back around.

- Keep it in your pants. - Oh no, Kim, it’s the lambada.

Ooh. Oh.

Oh.

So, Kim, how’s Brett coping since you turfed him out?

Is he enjoying the Buckingham Motel? ‘Cause I've heard, it’s very good.

No, Kel.

So Kim, how is yours and Brett’s separation going?

You know, Sharon, for someone who never has had,

and never will have a whiff of a guy,

you’re very interested in sticking your nose

in everyone else’s business.

Kim, bite your tongue or I'll come over there and bite it for you.

You just wait, Kim.

I will so have a whiff of a guy before Christmas.

Actually look, people, speaking of Christmas,

while I've got you all here, I want you to all sit down.

I wanna pow wow the Chrissy lunch, okay?

Come on, Kim, sit down. Sharon, could you log off now, please?

Come on.

I'll do this now. It’ll be good. Right.

I have decided, what with my myriad of commitments this year,

I do not want to be lumbered with the lot.

So, I'm going to relegate.

Now, Sharon, I've got you down here to provide a one two-liter bottle

of Sprite.

And also, Sharon, can you look out for icebergs in the next couple

- of weeks, please? - Icebergs?

Yeah, lettuces, Sharon. Just icebergs this year.

I'm over Asian greens. They’re just too fiddly.

- Will do, Mrs. D. - Now, I'm gonna provide all

the bread sticks, and Kel and I, a turkey and chook, respectively.

- That sounds about right. - And I'm going all free range this year.

Oh God, with the way my hormones are at the moment,

I do not want to be ingesting anymore.

Actually, Kath, do you need me here for this ‘cause I might pop in the shower.

Yeah, that’s okay, doll. You are a bit woofy.

Uh, speaking of which, seafood.

Now Kim, I've got you down to provide prawns.

I think four per person should do us.

Seafood’s exxy! I'm a single Mum now.

You know, peeled prawns are thirty bucks a kilo.

- Well Kimmy, get unpeeled then. - No way!

I am not spending my Christmas morning getting poo out of prawns.

All right, then. Well look, just get some seafood extender.

That’ll be right. Ah now, partner wise, Kim,

- will you be bringing somebody? - Yes.

Don’t worry about me. I'll be bringing someone with bells on.

Right, okay. And Sharon, love, how are you going?

Any luck?

Oh, Sharon, you’re very unlucky in love, aren’t you?

Right, so single. That’s awkward. Ah, might put you on your own.

Make a mental note, Kath. Get card table out of roof.

Okay, I think that’s all. So I think that’s done. Great.

Oh.

Oh no, Sharon, love, I need the computer now, sorry.

I'll just go to the internet café then.

- See you, Mrs. D. - Bye, Sharon. Okay.

So, W-W dot…

- Back on the computer. - Oh, look at that photo.

- Gorgeous. - Gorgeous?

I reckon I'm a damn sight buffier than him with my short off.

Mm.

Listen, I'm gonna take some clothes down to Brett at the Buckingham Motel.

- Do you wanna come? - Oh, that’s a good one.

Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael! Could you be any more divine?

So I'll, I'll see you later, then.

Kath.

Don’t talk to me then.

How do I get into the fan club?

- G'day, Brett. - G'day, Kel. Come in, mate.

Yeah, just on me, on my way past.

- Yeah. - This is a nice set up, isn’t it?

Yeah, very nice. Oh, there’s the toot there.

Nice size shower. Yeah, very nice.

- How’s the... how’s the pressure? - What have I done, Kel?

I've thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me.

What’s that?

Oh, you mean, Kim. Yeah, right.

Oh, can I have a bit of your toast there?

And, you know, little Epps.

Think you better lay off the booze for a while, mate.

You get those beer goggles on and you’re anybody’s.

Yeah, oh, God!

- I don’t want to lose my family, Kel. - No.

I brought you some clothes from home, mate.

- Thanks, mate. - Mm-hmm.

Um, Kim, ah…

Kim smashed my Gucci sunnies.

Sorry.

So you really wanna get back with Kim, mate?

Yeah, think so.

Well I don’t know much, Brett, but I do know one thing,

and that’s how to impress the ladies.

Haven’t been left at the altar four times for nothing, so listen up.

That really is nice toast. Is that sour dough?

This is Big Brother. All housemates to the lounge.

- Oh, I bet it’s gonna be me. - Don’t worry, you’ll be okay.

Not the pole dancer. She shouldn’t go. She’s ace.

Actually, she hasn’t got as good a bod as me.

I'd be better at pole dancing than her and guys love it.

Oh Kim, you don’t need two snacks.

Shh! I'm watching Big Brother: Uncut.

- Oh, what’s happening? - Nothing.

- Hi. - What are you doing here?

Uh, I've come to say sorry, Kim.

Oh.

Beautiful flowers for a,

uh, lady.

What are you wearing? Is that Kelly’s taste, is it?

Oh, no, that’s one of Kel’s bombers.

Oh, and Brett, those Anti-Cancer Council sunnies

are doing things to me.

Thanks, Kath.

Kim, there’s nothing going on between me and Kelly.

She's way out of my league.

- She’s pretty, thin, smart... - I'd stop there if I were you, Brett.

Brett, I've told you, you can’t just come waltzing in here

- and expect me to roll over. - I know. I know, Kim.

I just want to say…

I know, we haven’t got the happiest marriage.

We fight all the time. We never have sex.

Oh, beautiful words, Brett.

I just wanna come home.

You know Brett, you pashing Kelly was a blessing.

Not for her, obviously, but for me.

Because it’s made me realize I can do a whole lot better

than a wingnut in a stonewashed bomber.

I'm still young, Brett. I wanna have another crack.

I've given up the alcohol.

I promise, I'll never look at another woman.

Probably.

Goodbye, Brett. And close the fly screen

- when you go, please. - Oh, Kim!

- Kim, come back here. - I knew it wouldn’t work.

And that’s my lucky bomber.

- Mensland. - Yep, I always buy the best.

Come on, Brett, I'll drive you back to the Buckingham.

Thanks, mate.

Oh, Sharon love, no, you can’t use the computer, yet.

I'm still downloading Michael Bublé to my iPod mini.

Oh, I've been looking up his back catalog all morning, Sharon.

- It’s huge! - Oh no, that’s okay, Mrs. D.

I've got some news.

I'm getting married!

- Oh! - What! Married?

- Oh, are you doing this to spite me? - Oh Sharon, that’s awesome news, love.

Oh thanks, Mrs. D. Can I crack open the Tia Maria

- and put on some footy franks? - Oh yeah, absolutely.

Actually, no, Kimmy, you do that, please. Oh, Sharon! Oh, spill your guts.

- How did it happen? - Well, I met him on the online, Mrs. D.

- Yeah? - His name’s Marriat.

Oh, Marriat.

And we have been chatting all day and all night and you know what?

- This is the one. - Oh.

It’s amazing, Mrs. D. I mean,

I've never actually met him physically, but I feel I know him so well.

Just like, I know everything about him.

- What does he do? - I don’t know.

- Well, where’s he from? - I don’t know.

- What does he look like? - I don’t know.

Oh Sharon, I'm that pleased for you, love.

- So, have you set a date? - Boxing Day.

- Oh! - What, this year?

I've got it all planned.

We are going to the Boxing Day test match, of course.

Then making our way on foot through Jolimont, to the gardens,

where we will be married in Captain Cook’s cottage.

Captain Cook’s cottage?

You’ll never fit in there. It’s tiny.

Kim!

I think that sounds beautiful, Sharon.

- And Kim? - Yes, Sharon?

Kim, would you do me the honor,

of being my matron of honor?

Oh!

I hate being put on the spot like this. Well, what am I going to say?

- Of course, I have to say yes. - Great!

Oh, Sharon, you’re gonna make a super bride, love.

- Super size bride. - Oh, Kim, you can’t talk.

I mean, you’re hardly Angelina Jolie, Bob Pitt yourself.

How much weight have you lost since having Epponnee?

- Ha! None! - Excuse me! I'm a yummy Mummy.

- Yeah, yummy mummy with a whopping tummy. - I heard that.

- So when do we get to see this Mr. Right? - Well, I've sent him over the airfare.

He’s coming on Christmas Day.

Sharon, that doesn’t sound too good, love.

Oh no, it’s okay. I had the money saved.

No, no, no, I need to know whether he’s going to be here

for Christmas Day lunch, re bread sticks.

Because, you know, now Brett’s iffy. I mean, I don’t want to be caught short.

Or worse, over cater and then be left with sticks on my hands.

Ooh, here’s my iPod mini.

That’s finished. That’s good.

I've got to get my wedding dress

and my shoes, and organize the hen’s night.

What are we doing for that, chief bridesmaid?

I don’t know.

Kim, I am a bit nervous about the wedding night.

I really wanna surprise him.

I know what would really surprise this guy on your wedding night,

is if you did pole dancing.

Oh, yes!

- I reckon, I'd be really good at that. - Yep, everyone’s doing it.

- Really? - Yeah, I could teach you.

But we might be better to go to someone who knows how to do it.

Oh, thanks Kim.

Brett seems to be coping pretty well.

Yeah, you know, I think Kim’s being a bit uptight, actually.

I mean, what’s an innocent pash between work colleagues.

Yeah, I don’t want you getting any ideas like that, missus.

Oh Kel, as if I'd ever want to French kiss anyone else.

Except for Michael Bublé, of course.

Do me now.

Oh, Kel, that feels really nice.

You’re tense, sweets.

Oh, well, you know, Kel, I'm phonetic at the moment.

And now with Sharon’s wedding.

Oh, I'm just really scared, Sharon’s heading for a fall

with this fellow. I mean,

they’ve only known each other a couple of days.

Oh, we hardly knew each other before we got engaged.

Yeah, but we locked horns straight away, which I think’s important.

- And your peronomes still do things to me. - Oh Kel, stop it.

This is serious.

I mean, what if this fellow turns out to be a psycho, or worse,

doesn’t show up?

- Gee, your trap’s tight, sweets. - Yeah, I know.

Loosen it up for me, will you?

I need to scrubby right for Saturday night.

I don’t want to let Michael Bublé down.

Actually, Kel, have you seen those falsies I've bought,

because I need those boobs for Bublé.

Bloody Bublé.

Bublé this, Bublé that.

Kel, don’t say Bublé this and Bublé that, please.

So he happens to push my buttons. Well get over it, Kel.

Sharon! What have you come as?

Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim, why?

Well, I said pole dancing.

Yeah, well I'm a Pole, Kim, Strezlecki.

Well, half a Pole anyway, on my Dad’s side.

No! Sexy dancing with a pole.

Well, that sounds a bit stupid, Kim.

Oh, stupid, is it?

So are the people on Big Brother stupid, Sharon,

because they all do pole dancing.

All right, ladies, in you come. Find yourselves your pole.

Brett, can I see you in my office, please?

Shut the door, Brett.

- How are you, Kelly? - Well, flat chat.

- What with all the new Christmas hours. - Oh, yeah.

Now Brett, I just have to ask, how are things going at home?

Oh, um,

uh, me and Kim, yeah, separating.

Right.

Well, that’s good, that I know that now.

Because I really need you to spend the night with me, Brett.

Oh, Kelly.

Really?

Oh, babe, yeah, yeah. I'd be happy to. Yeah. Happy to, yeah.

Yeah, Brodie’s off sick and I need you down in software.

Yep. Yeah, software.

And back!

- This is really sexy, isn’t it? - Yeah.

Step. Thrust.

- Thrust. - Anyway, Kim, my hen’s night

is gonna be really ace.

All the girls from netball are gonna be there

and all the girls from indoor cricket.

Well, I hope some guys are coming,

‘cause I'm looking really hot at the moment.

Yeah, you are, Kim.

- Step. - It’s ironical, isn’t it, Kim?

That now that I am the one who’s getting married

- while you are desperate and dateless. - Oh, don’t worry about me, Sharon.

At your hen’s night, guys are gonna be eating putty out of my hands.

Bye bye. Thank you very much.

Kim! Kim!

Oh wow, you look really gorgeous.

I know, I'm loving myself sick in this outfit.

Isn't this fantastic?

I've always wanted to have a 1980's theme party.

So, where's your Mum, Kim?

Oh, she’s looking after Epponnee until Kel comes home.

Kim! Sharon!

- Oh, Mum! - Hi.

- What a great costume. - Oh.

Wow, Mrs. D, you look hilarious. You’re gonna win for sure.

- Where’d you get that? - Oh, just from my wardrobe, Sharon.

- Costume? - Yeah, it’s an eighties party.

Oh, no! Nobody told me. Oh, I would have put something funny on.

Oh gee, Sharon, I'm liking this venue.

Is Epponnee alright?

Oh, totally in control. Kel’s got it sorted, Kim.

When I left, it was beautiful.

The two of them were sitting up on the couch watching a DVD

of Meet The Fockers. Don’t worry. She’s fine.

Come on, Epps, it’s a good film.

It’s Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand. Yes, we do!

Just hang on, hang on. Just relax.

Just stay there. You’ll be right.

Stay there, Epps.

♪ Reached out a hand to try again ♪

I'm shy, Kim! I'm shy!

Go Sharon!

Bra wouldn’t go astray.

Would you like to have... Christmas lunch with me.

We’re having seafood extender.

♪ This is the night yeah This is the night ♪

♪ This is the time We've got to get it right ♪

♪ This is the night Touch me, touch me ♪

Ooh, guys! I'm Coyote Ugly!

You got that right, love.

♪ Make me sway ♪

Oh Kim, what’d the doctor say?

She said I've cricked my neck and cracked my clack.

Oh, Kim.

♪ Like a lazy ocean hugs… ♪

- Shut up, Mum! - No, Kim, I've gotta rehearse.

I've got carols tonight.

You know Kim, I'm just so glad that I can finally put

my Buena Vista Social Club TAFE course to good use, huh.

No, Epponnee, Mummy’s not pushing you.

- Hi, Kim. Hi, Mrs. D. - Oh, hi Sharon. How’s the hen today?

Bit peckish, actually.

- So come on, Kim. You ready? Let's go. - No.

I've gotta wait for Brett. He’s minding Epponnee.

Oh, so what’s on for the bride to be tonight, Sharon?

Oh, I'm going to go looking for a gown for my wedding.

And I'm gonna go looking for a guy for Christmas.

Oh, then you’d better let me know, because I've still got

- those bread stickal issues. - Hi.

- Oh, hi Brett. - Hi, Brettie.

Hi Epps, we’re gonna have fun today, just you and me.

Hi, Kim.

Come on, Sharon. Let’s go to Fountain Gate.

I wanna inflict myself. Ow!

Kel, come on.

We’ve gotta get to the Sydney Myer Music Bowl

by 6:15 for the dress, doll.

♪ Joy to the world the Lord… ♪

Kel, don’t eat those. They’re not for us. They’re for the Wiggles.

- Can't you read? - No need to bite my head off.

- I might have one of these drinks. - No.

- They’re Rhonda Burchmore’s Gatorades. - You’re toey tonight.

Yeah, well of course I'm toey, Kel. I mean, that rehearsal was a fiasco.

Everyone was out of time except for me.

Just chill for a minute. Come here and I'll rub your oily back.

No, no, Kel, look, I think I might just pop up and say a quick chookas

to Bublé. I think that’d be appropriate, actually.

You’d better put some clothes on.

Yes, I will.

Hey darls, can you give me a hand with my zip?

Oh sorry, Rhonda, but tuna hands.

Oh, I must have banged my nose on that bloody pole as well.

No Kim, that’s a carbuncle. Hey Kim, do you wanna see my ring?

I bought it so that people will know that I am off the market.

Oh, there’s Santa.

I got such a vibe from him the other day.

- Oh ho! Ho, ho! - Thank you Santa, I am.

Hey Kim, have you noticed the looks that I'm getting at the moment?

Oh Sharon, as if. Sorry, but you’re tragic.

I am not tragic, Kim. I am engaged.

And I really need to get a wedding dress.

Oh, stop panicking. The shops are open all night.

We’ll get to Boombah Bridal Wear.

That’s not very nice, Kim.

- That’s not what it’s called. - "That’s not very nice, Kim."

G'day, smiley. What would you like?

I'll have a chicken farharta, please.

Well, actually, I was talking to your friend.

Are you engaged?

That's always the way.

Ew!

- Hello. - Oh hi, Michael

I'm, uh... My name’s Kath Day-Knight.

I'm a principal dancer for your number tonight,

and I just want to say I'm a huge fan.

- Come in, have a drink. - Oh, thank you, Michael.

Oh gee, this is big, isn’t it? Oh, you’ve got your own toot.

Hello. Hi.

Kath.

G'day, mate. We’re a bit lost.

And we’ve lost Anthony. Have you seen him?

No, who's Anthony?

He’s the blue Wiggle.

Stage management said there’d be some sandwiches here for us.

Have you seen them?

No.

Wiggles, five minutes, please.

That’s our five-minute call. Let’s go, guys.

♪ Put in the oranges… ♪

Oranges? No, no. It’s bananas in the song, Jeff, bananas.

Are you blind? This is a men’s shop.

I know that, Kim.

It’s a surprise for Marriat.

I'm buying him a whole new outfit.

Oh.

Can I help you?

- Oh, I'm getting married in two days. - Congratulations.

Thank you. My fiancé needs a new suit.

- Not a problem. What size is he? - I don't know.

Well, that’s all right. Is he, say, taller than me?

I don't know.

Okay. Well what’s his favorite color?

Beige? Powder blue?

- Is he an apricot man? - I don't know.

Terrific, I'll just leave you to it, shall I?

Excuse me. Are you married?

No.

Would you like to have Christmas lunch with me?

No.

Hmm.

Oh, Twistie fingers.

Yeah, chookas, Michael.

Kath,

what have you been doing in there? You’ve been gone for ages.

Nothing, Kel.

Michael just invited me in for a nice drink and a sandwich.

Mm, did he just? I know his type. Where is this clown?

Kel, that’s our five-minute call, doll. We’ve gotta go.

Come on, I'm not even dressed!

You’ll keep, Bublé.

Hey, thanks for your help back there, Kath.

You’re obviously an old pro from way back.

Oh, right back at you, mister.

Kath, remember, save the last dance for me.

Oh, I'm so there.

Rhonda Burchmore, ladies and gentlemen!

And now, will you please welcome the one and only, Mr. Michael Bublé,

and the mature age students from the Jazzy B Dance Studio with “Sway."

♪ Oh when marimba rhythms start to play ♪

♪ Dance with me, make me sway ♪

♪ Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore ♪

♪ Hold me close, sway me more ♪

♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze ♪

♪ Bend with me, sway with ease ♪

♪ Oh, when we dance You got a way with me ♪

♪ Stay with me, sway with me ♪

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor ♪

♪ Dear, but my eyes will see only you ♪

♪ Only you have that magic technique ♪

♪ When we sway I go weak ♪

Come on.

What do you think, Kim?

It’s a bit tight. I can’t walk very well. I can hovel, though.

Oh jeez, Kim. I really love it.

Oh, my God.

I know, it’s really nice, isn’t it?

Oh, that is so funny. Oh, wear that, Sharon. Wear that.

I don’t wanna look funny, Kim. I wanna look pretty.

Oh come on, Sharon. You’re never gonna look pretty.

That’s it, Kim. I've had enough.

I'm not putting up with any more of your abuse.

I've done everything for you. I put my career on hold.

I could have been anything, if I'd had the talent.

But instead, I have come around to your house every single day

and been your escape goat.

Well, I have got some home truths for you, Kimberley Diane Craig nee Day.

You are not a hornbag.

And, in fact, you look a whole lot older than what you say you are.

And look around, Kimmy,

guys are not lining up to eat putty out of your hands.

Oh, so what are you saying, Sharon?

They’re eating putty out of my hand, in my head?

Unlike me Kim, you can’t even get anyone. Not even Brett.

Thin ice, Sharon.

Since I've met Marriat,

his love and support has given me the strength to stand up to you, Kim.

Marriat? Marriat? You haven’t even met Marriat, Sharon.

Take that back!

I am warning you, Kim, if you say one more thing about Marriat,

I swear, I will kill you!

Do you hear me? I will kill you!

♪ When we sway I go weak ♪

♪ I can hear the sound of violins ♪

♪ Long before it begins ♪

♪ Make me thrill as only you know how ♪

♪ Sway me smooth, sway me now ♪

♪ When marimba rhythms start to play ♪

♪ Dance with me, make me sway ♪

♪ Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore ♪

♪ Hold me close, sway me more ♪

♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze ♪

♪ Bend with me, sway with ease ♪

♪ When we dance, you got a way with me ♪

♪ Stay with me, sway with me ♪

♪ When marimba start to play ♪

♪ Hold me close, make me sway ♪

♪ Like an ocean hugs the shore ♪

♪ Hold me close, sway me more ♪

♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze ♪

♪ Bend with me, sway with ease ♪

♪ When we dance, you got a way with me ♪

♪ Stay with me, sway with me ♪

Kel. Kel.

What the hell were you doing out there?

What’s your story?

Michael Bublé could have been seriously injured. He could sue us.

You put it out there, Kath.

- Put what out, where? - Oh, come on, Kath.

You wear those foxy high waisted jeans and your see-through blouse.

You put it out there and you damn well know it.

Oh, I do not know it.

If I knew I knew it, I wouldn’t do it, would I?

You’re just being paranoid, Kel.

I'm not being paranoid, Kath. I need some air.

Kel, don't walk away from me, please.

Well you... you needn’t bother coming home tonight. You won’t be welcome.

Could you tell me the correct time, please?

6:45 in the morning.

Um, I've been up shopping all night.

I'm getting married.

Mm. Completely over the limit?

What, not a cent?

No, it looks about right.

No, I'm happy to. And thank you. Bye, bye.

The bank’s instructed me to do this to your credit card.

And that comes in a cute complimentary Christmas box.

Thank you. Bye, bye.

Prue! Congratulations! I've just been reading about it

in the paper. So what happened?

Oh, hi Trude. Oh well, you know, Adrian

just did a deal and the court’s granted him immunity.

God, your hair looks great in this photo.

- I'm so pleased for you, Prue. - Oh thanks, Trude.

And you know it has absolutely restored my faith in the justice system.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

So what happened? What sort of deal did he do?

Oh you know, just rolled over and named names.

Oh, what? Who?

Oh well, you know, everyone we know.

- Well not, Graham? - Oh yes, I think so.

- Oh Christ, I've gotta go. - Where are you going?

I've gotta go home and hide my Warhols!

Oh, all right. Bye bye, Trude. See you at Koots. Or not.

Bloody Sharon. I am not mean.

Mummy is a hornbag. Aren’t I, Epponnee?

- No. - You little bee...

- Oh. - You said your first word.

Say it again! Say it again!

- Nah. - Oh, Mum!

Epponnee just said her first word!

Oh that’s nice, Kim, but I've got issues at the moment.

Kel and I have separated.

So have Sharon and me. So what happened?

Kel’s green eyed monster, that’s what happened, Kim.

- Reared its ugly head big time last night. - Eww!

Well I wouldn’t expect you to understand Kim,

because guys don’t naturally flock to you.

But they seem to go insanely jealous over me.

I don’t know, I've got this afrodizzi-act that does things to them.

Anyway, Kel lost it last night big time.

I've chucked him out. He’s gone to the Buckingham.

Oh, I have to say now you’ve split up, I never liked him.

He’s tragic.

His hair, his zip up shoes, the way he eats his yogurt and muesli,

- shorty dressing gown... - Oh stop it, Kim. Stop it!

Oh, you’re just reminding me of his myriad of virile ways.

Oh Kath, you’ve been a fool.

Oh.

Kim, you’ll have to drive me over there to the Buckingham.

I've gotta go back to him. Quick, get your keys and drive me.

I can’t possibly drive. I'm too upset.

Yeah, you uh, kicked me once during the night,

but besides that, I... I slept beautifully.

Well, looks like we’re both in the dog house now, eh Kel?

Yeah, my jealousy could have cost me my marriage.

You know, I went deep inside myself last night, Brett.

Yeah, I heard you.

And I realized that I don’t own Kath. Oh, she can’t help being a fox.

And I know now more than ever that I can’t live without her.

She’s my H2O. Huh, you must feel the same way about Kim.

You must want to wake up, turn over, and see that face staring back

at you every single morning, for the rest of your life.

Yeah, that voice in your ear-hole every second of every day,

day in, day out, till the day you die.

Oh, gives you a warm feeling inside, doesn’t it mate?

Could you stop texting, please? It’s dangerous.

Oh shut up, Mum. I'm getting a new ringtone.

Oh!

Oh Kim, look, there’s the newsagents.

I might deliver Peter’s present while we’re here. Oh, good.

Yeah just, just slow down here a bit.

- Oh! - That’s great.

Merry Christmas, Peter!

Kel, Kel, it’s me. Let me in.

Kel?

Kel, I'm sorry. Come home. Kel, please?

- No, Kath. You come in here. - Oh, Kel.

Oh, this is nice, isn’t it?

Oh, and there’s your toot.

Oh, nice size shower, Kel. What’s the pressure like?

Would you like a nice glass of complimentary bubbles?

Oh yes, please.

Now Kath, I… I have to ask.

You and this Bublé character. Did anything happen in the dressing room?

Kel, no. He just gave me some performance tips

and I back combed his hair a little. That’s all.

- Come here, Foxy. - Oh, Kel.

Oh, oh, Kel. Oh, that feels nice.

- What do you call that? - Oh, sorry Kath. That’s my piccolo.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Kel.

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, doll.

Kel, oh, that guy looks like John Monk, the albino.

What would he be doing out here?

You don’t think he’s come out to collect the forty-four euros he thinks we owe him,

- do you? - It wasn’t him. Who’s paranoid now?

Oh yeah. You’re probably right, Kel.

But then again, albinos don’t grow on trees.

Or do they?

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas And a happy New Year ♪

Oh look, look! He’s been!

- He’s been! Oh look, Epps! - Ah! Ha! Ha!

- Oh, how exciting! - Oh, where’s the presents?

Oh look, Santa’s had his Bailey’s and his Tim Tams

- and he’s eaten the whole packet. - Oh!

Where’s your sack, Epps? Look, it’s full, Epponnee.

Oh, where’s mine? Where’s mine?

- Oh, I think that might be mine, actually. - No, it’s Epponnee’s.

- Oh. - Oh.

Do you like that Epps?

No.

- What the hell? - Oh Kim, what’d you get?

Oh, they’re exercise bands, Kim. They’re perfect for you.

Clever Santa. And Kel, Kel? Here’s one from me.

Oh, thanks Kath.

What do I got? Oh! A Buckingham dressing gown!

- Yes. - Must have cost you a fortune, Kath.

- I didn’t pay for it. - And here’s one of mine to you.

Oh Kel, what is it? Oh! I bet it’s a book.

A CD. "The Very Best of Kel Knight!" What’s this?

I recorded it at work in the cool-room.

Terrific acoustics. All original compositions.

Oh, you’re kidding. What’s it got?

“Kath Come Home, There’s a Hole in the Bed”,

“Lady in Mango."

“Making Love on the En Suite Floor." Oh!

Remember the Buckingham, Kath?

Oh Kel, I'll never have it off again.

I, uh, might put the kettle on.

What are you looking all mealy mouthed for, Kim?

Well, put yourself in my feet for a minute, Mum.

I mean, no one cares about me. Sharon’s not talking to me,

Brett’s left me. Santa obviously doesn’t give a fat rat’s.

Oh, that’s not true, Kim.

Brett has been trying to make it up with you.

Come on, why don’t you take him back? Where’s your spirit of Christmas?

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should take him

out of the freezer. He’s probably been

- in there long enough. - Oh no, the freezer!

The turkey! I was meant to take it out

of the freezer last night. Oh, damn it!

Oh! Don’t open any more without me!

Oh. Oh!

Oh. Oh. I'll put it on the windowsill here

- to thaw out. - Merry Christmas, everyone.

Oh, Brett. Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Brett. - Merry Christmas, Mrs. D.

- Oh, Merry Christmas, Epps. - Present for you.

Brett, I just got your present. Your filthy text.

What? I didn’t.

I loved it.

And Brett, my present to you is, I'll deign to take you back.

Deign! I think you’re desperate to have

him back, aren’t you Kim?

She hasn’t had one iota of interest from anybody else, Brett.

- Shut up, Mum! - Merry Christmas, Brett.

- That’s from me. - Thanks, Mrs. D.

So Brett, are you over the moon?

I'll... Yeah, look, ah…

Buckingham’s getting exxy.

And I really miss Epps. Yeah, okay.

Come here, you spunk.

Nah, I can’t, actually, I've gotta go to work.

- What? On Christmas Day? - New workplace agreements, Kel.

Oh, bloody Howard, I bet he’s not working on Christmas Day.

- Who? - Well anyhow, I didn’t know if I was going

to be invited here, so I, I volunteered. I didn’t want to be on my own.

Merry Christmas. Epps. Bye, bye.

- Bye, Kim. - Oh, bye, Brett.

- See you, Mrs. D. - Have a nice day.

- I'll save you some pud, babe. - Yeah.

Oh, no!

Oh, it’s still completely frozen in the middle!

Oh, how can that be? Oh, oh.

Ow!

Oh! Oh, God. Oh!

- Oh, can you help me, Kim? Will you? - What are you doing?

- Oh. - Get up. It’s all greasy!

Oh, I've got grease all over my Chrissy capris now.

Oh! Have you seen Sharon, Kim?

No. not since she threatened to kill me

in the middle of Fountain Gate. No, I haven’t.

Well she’s meant to be here.

Wasn’t she gonna pick up Marriat from the airport

- and bring him for lunch? - Oh, what?

Well she’s meant to bring the icebergs! The lettuces!

I've got to get those dressed, tout suite!

So let me get this straight. The turkey’s not ready.

Kel’s only bought one chook. What are we gonna eat?

You know, I'm always ravishing on Christmas Day.

Oh, I don’t know, Kim. Look, just get there’s chicken fillets

in the freezer. Get those out and we’ve got

Chicken Tonight. We can have Chicken Tonight today.

Oh jingies, my capris, the turkey, the icebergs.

Oh! What else could go wrong? Oh!

- Oh, Kel. - Oh.

- Kel. - Whoa, I must have dropped off.

- Oh! - Oh!

Is someone outside, Kel?

It’s the albino, Kel.

It’s John Monk! What’s he doing here?

He’s coming inside!

- Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. - What?

The code, Kath.

I've just realized, all the signs were there.

- I've cracked it, Kath. - Yeah, I think I have too, Kel!

No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci code.

Listen, it’s like a puzzle. First there was the car

that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.

And our names, Kel. I always thought Kel Knight,

Knights Templar, Kath Day, Opus Dei!

And now John Monk has come here to kill us,

just like in the end of The Da Vinci Code!

Oh, is that what I happened in the end, because I didn’t finish it.

I lost interest! Oh, no! No!

Have you cracked the code yet?

Yes, and you’re gonna kill us.

No, no, I'm not. You haven’t read the clues properly.

You haven’t worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?

The painting? It’s, it’s there! There, there.

- Oh! - Oh!

So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet.

And it spells out the magic word, “franchisee”?

- But what does that mean? - It means that I want to offer you

and Kel the Da Vinci Code tour franchise.

- What? - Oh.

Yeah, sorry John, the flies are terrible this year.

Look, Kath, when I saw you jump out of that bog window in the Louvre,

I knew you’d make the perfect tour guide.

- Oh. - But I couldn’t be certain.

I had to... I had to put you in the test. That’s why I put that clue in the Bible.

- What clue? - I circled a passage.

“And Jesus spake unto the Franchisees."

- Oh, right. - Oh.

And what about the forty-four euros? What was that all about?

You texted me, it was on your car. Was that another clue?

You’ve gotta think about the letters.

Forty-four euros. Rearrange the letters.

Yes, it’s a mammogram. Forty-four euros, your tours offer.

- Yes. What does that mean? - Our tours, Kel.

- We’re gonna be tour operators. - Oh.

Oh, I can’t believe I didn’t crack that earlier,

and me being a Sudoku nut.

Well, I was a bit surprised you were slow on the uptake, Kath.

Oh look, we’ll make it up to you, John.

You wait, we’ll be the best damn franchisees this side of Bon Beach.

- It’s getting hot here, isn’t it? - Oh, yes.

Oh, it is hot, yes.

Oh, I'll help you with that, eh? Oh, it’s a Drysabone, John.

- Oh. That’s better. - There we go.

So John, why are you selling the franchise?

I mean, its hairdresser’s orders, really. I'm not really an albino.

- Oh. - Oh.

- No. This is peroxide. - Oh.

- Oh. - Amazing, isn’t it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn

into one great big dried up frizzy old perm.

- Oh. - Oh, that’d be awful, wouldn’t it?

- Oh. - Wouldn’t want one of those.

Anyway John, would you like to stay for tea?

- Well, what is it? - Yeah, oh look, we’re just gonna

- have some seafood, leftover seafood. - Oh.

Australian seafood, very nice.

Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven’t I?

And we’ve got the Chicken Tonight that we didn’t have today

- that we can have tonight. - Yeah.

Fancy a walk before dinner, John?

- Oh. - Not a problem.

Where’s Kim? Where’d she get to?

Oh, Chicken Tonight.

Where’s bloody Brett? He was meant to be home hours ago.

Well I didn’t think it’d go this far.

It’s like I've been possessed or something.

What about Kim?

Don’t worry about Kim.

So you’re really separated?

Yeah.

This is doing my glutes no end of good, Kel.

Yeah.

So, what book is your next tour gonna be based on, John?

Oh, it’s the new biggie. “The CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet."

- Oh. - It’s got everything.

It’s got gluttony, denial, murder, absolutely no carbs.

Put me down as your first guest.

Hey, come on you boys. Go and freshen up.

Kel, show John where the guest toot is. And has anybody seen Sharon?

Oh, it’s exciting, isn’t it? Okay, Merry Christmas, everybody.

Let’s pull our bonbons. Here, Kimmy.

- Oh! - Oh, that snapped.

Sorry I'm late everyone.

- Hi, Brett. - Yeah, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Come here, spunk.

Thank God you’re here, Brett. Have a bread stick.

- Yeah, thanks, Kath. - I've missed you, babe.

- Where have you been? - Oh, I've been really busy at work,

- flat out, yeah. - Oh John, this is my husband Brett.

- G’day, John. - Here’s some extender.

We’ve got oodles of that. Have a smell.

- So, John, what do you think of Australia? - Oh yes, tell us.

- Be honest. Be honest. - It’s the best place in the world,

- isn’t it? - Well to be perfectly frank with you,

I was a little bit disappointed in Edithvale,

and Aspendale and to some extent, Mordialloc.

But once I'd got past Parkdale and onto the golden mile…

- Oh. - …oh, I was blown away.

- Oh yeah. - Hmm.

I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray’s Tent City

- and Barbecues Galore -Yeah, yeah.

On the other, it doesn’t get much better than that,

- does it? - Fantastic.

It doesn’t, it doesn’t indeed.

- This chicken, it’s rubbery. - Oh.

Thang you John San. Fang you berry mush!

No. No, I mean, it really is rubbery.

Oh no! They’re not chicken breasts. They’re mine!

- They what? - They’re my chicken fillet falsies!

That’s where they got to. Oh no! Oh John, I'm sor...

Oh!

- Sharon? - Hello Sharon.

Is everything all right?

- No, not really. - Oh!

Where’s Marriat?

- Marriat is nowhere. - What?

He is nowhere and nothing.

Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam.

After he didn’t turn up at the airport,

I went to an internet café, and I discovered that Marriat,

my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat is nothing more

than a blog at internet address marry-at-dot-com.

The site that's been offering to marry women all around the world.

Oh Sharon, and you were getting so much pleasure just from the touch of a mouse.

Yeah. And all my money’s gone.

- Oh! - But, you know, the weird thing is Mrs. D,

- I still love him. - Oh, Sharon.

Kim, say something.

I knew you wouldn’t get married. I knew it.

There’s good news, Sharon, though. Brett and me are back together.

Oh, poor Sharon. Come on everyone, let’s have a dance.

♪ Christmas with the one that I love ♪

♪ Go away, here's the blue bird ♪

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way, oh what fun… ♪

What? I didn’t do anything. It’s my afrodizziact.

♪ But don't forget who's takin' you home ♪

♪ And in whose arms you're gonna be ♪

You right about that, Kel?

Oh, yeah, I've vac packed my green-eyed monster

and put it away forever.

Would you like to see my marimbas, John?

♪ Mele Kalikimaka is the thing ♪

♪ To say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day ♪

♪ La la la we send to you ♪

Come on, Brettie. Sing along!

Solo, Mum!

- Gee, he’s an Australian icon, isn’t he? - Yep.

- And she’s an icon. - Mm-hmm.

- He’s an icon. - He’s not an icon. He’s just a con.

- Yeah. - Oh, the Wiggles. They’re icons.

Yeah, oh, Kim, did I tell you when they sang "Hot Potato" at carols,

I went off. Literally.

Eww. I'm more a Hooley Dooley girl myself.

Sharon likes the Wiggles.

Oh, Kim, did I tell you, Sharon and Marriat are back on together.

Well, how does that work?

Oh, you know relationships, Kim. I mean,

you just don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, do you?

I mean, she’s obviously pushing his buttons

and he’s pushing hers right back. I think it’s beautiful and it works

for them, doesn’t it?

Oh, I've just got another naughty text

from Brett. Listen to this.

“Meet me down the back in Playstations in five minutes.”

I mean, how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes?

- Oh gee, he’s keen, Kim. - He is.

- You go, girl. - Yeah, in a minute.

Jeez Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan.

Oh, I wish. No they’re my chicken fillet falsies, Kim.

I just rinsed off the Chicken Tonight and popped them back in.

Yeah, one looks bigger than the other.

Oh yeah, that’s ‘cause John Monk ate the left one.

But that’s okay, ‘cause I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway.

So I think it balances out.

Isn’t that amazing Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true.

Can you believe John Monk sold us his business?

- How’d you pay for that? - In kind.

- Oh, that sounds nice. - Yeah, it was nice.

Mm. You know Mum,

evidently The Da Vinci Code has been proven to be completely untrue.

Yes Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid.

But the second one, you know, Da Vinci Code Two, Gidday Leonardo,

they show that... that is absolutely historically correct.

Yeah and what a boon for us that it’s set right here

in ye olde Melbourne. I can’t believe it.

- No it's not. - It's not.

- It's different, yeah, it's unusual. - It's different, yeah, it's nice.