Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[cheers and applause]

[Totally Bakedby Mark Cohen]

♪ ♪

>> ♪ WHEN I WAKE UP ♪

♪ I'M LYING IN BED ♪

♪ I TWIST UP A FAT ONE ♪

♪ TO FUCK UP MY HEAD ♪

♪ TO GET BAKED ♪

>> HOLD IT.

>> ♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

[laughter]

>> MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO PERFECT.

NINE MONTHS IN JAIL FOR REST AND

REHABILITATION.

AND ACTUALLY STUDYING.

'CAUSE I GOT TO STUDY, YOU KNOW,

THE OTHER SIDE, YOU KNOW.

I MET PEOPLE UP THERE, LIKE

TARANTINOI MET TARANTINO.

HE WAS KIND OF ENVIOUS OF ME.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I GOT TO REALLY

DO THE SHIT, YOU KNOW.

AND NOT MANY PEOPLE GET THAT

CHANCE, YOU KNOW, TO DO IT IN AN

HONORABLE WAY, YOU KNOW, WHERE

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT IN THERE LIKE

JERRY SANDUSKY, YOU KNOW.

>> RIGHT.

>> I'M IN THERE FOR A BONG.

>> RIGHT.

>> HOW NOBLE CAN THAT BE?

>> RIGHT.

>> AND THEN NINE MONTHS.

AND IT WAS ALL OVER THE PRESS.

IT REINVIGORATED MY CAREER LIKE

CRAZY.

PUT ME TO ANOTHER LEVEL.

[laughter and coughing]

IT WAS A MUSICIAN THAT GOT ME

SMOKING POT.

IT WAS A CHINESE BASS PLAYER.

HE HANDED ME A MAREANA

CIGARETTE AND A LENNY BRUCE

ALBUM.

>> WOW.

>> THAT'S A HELL OF A COMBO.

>> RIGHT?

>> AND HE SAID, "HAVE FUN."

AND I TOOK THE JOINT, I DIDN'T

LIGHT IT, I PUT IT IN MY POCKET.

THEN HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE, "OH,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIGHT IT?"

I GO, "OH, OKAY."

SO HE LIT ANOTHER JOINT, FIRED

IT UP, AND HE GOT ME HIGH FOR

THE FIRST TIME.

THEN HE PUT ON A JAZZ RECORD,

ORNETTE COLEMAN.

LONELY WOMAN.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT, MAN.

I SAT THERE, AND I VISUALIZED A

LONELY WOMAN IN A HOTEL ROOM

JUST LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW, AND

ALL FROM THE MUSIC.

LIKE, THE STORY CAME TO ME.

YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY

WHAT ORNETTE COLEMAN WAS SAYING

MUSICALLY.

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAY...

REGARDLESS OF WHAT TIME IT IS.

>> MARTINI SHOT.

>> [laughs]

>> I THINK BASKETBALL PROBABLY

HAS GOT THE BIGGESTBECAUSE

IT'S A FINESSE SPORT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND I KNOW BECAUSE EVERY

TIME I GO TO A GAME, ALL THE

PLAYERS KNOW WHO I AM.

[laughter]

I'M LIKE A WALKING DRUG TEST.

[laughter]

NO, THE POT, MAN, IT'S MAGICAL.

IT BRINGS YOU INTO A WHOLE

DIFFERENT REALM OF EXISTENCE.

THING OF BEING A POTHEAD, WE

GRAVITATE TOWARD NICE PEOPLE...

>> NICE WEATHER.

>> NICE WEATHER.

>> YEAH. GOOD MUSIC.

>> NICEAND COMEDY.

>> YEAH.

>> I MEAN, WHAT'S BETTER THAN

MAKING A LIVING LAUGHING?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

>> NOTHING.

>> 'CAUSE IT'S WHAT I'M DOING.

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

THAT'S ALL I CAN FIND.

>> ♪ I'M NOT A FAKE ♪

♪ LET'S GO EAT SOME CAKE ♪

THANK YOU!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ WHEN I WAKE UP ♪

♪ I'M LYING IN BED ♪

♪ I TWIST UP A FAT ONE ♪

♪ TO FUCK UP MY HEAD ♪

♪ TO GET BAKED ♪

♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S BROWN ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S GREEN ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S GOLD ♪

♪ WITH RED HAIRS IN BETWEEN ♪

♪ WHEN I'M BAKED ♪

♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ I JUST MADE AN OMELET ♪

♪ OF CHEESE AND VASELINE ♪

♪ THREW IN SOME SALT ♪

♪ AND A DASH OF MEAN GREEN ♪

♪ TO GET BAKED ♪

♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ I GOT ME A BONG ♪

♪ I TAKE WHERE I GO ♪

♪ IT'S A BIG, OLD 10-FOOTER ♪

♪ THAT I CARB WITH MY TOE ♪

♪ TO GET BAKED ♪

♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I SMOKE POT ♪

♪ IT'S ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ EVEN MY DEALER ♪

♪ SAYS I SHOULD SLOW DOWN ♪

♪ I'M TOO BAKED ♪

♪ I'M TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS BAKED ♪

♪ I'M NOT A FAKE ♪

♪ LET'S GO EAT SOME CAKE ♪

THANK YOU!

IOH, MY GOD!

SHELBY CHONG, EVERYBODY!

TOMMY CHONG

>> THANK YOU.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR MARK COHEN.

LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR

MARK.

[cheers and applause]

NOI LOVE POT.

I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING IN

THE WORLD, RIGHT?

[cheering]

POT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

FOOD TASTES BETTER.

I MEAN, YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING

WHEN YOU'RE STONED.

SEX IS BETTER, RIGHT?

[cheering]

YOU CAN FUCK ANYTHING WHEN

YOU'RE HIGH.

IT'S JUST, THE NEXT MORNING YOU

WAKE UP AND LOOK OVER AND GO,

CHARLIE SHEEN?

[laughter]

BUT MY FAVORITE STONER, OTHER

THAN TOMMY CHONG, IS

MICHAEL PHELPS.

[cheering]

RIGHT?

I MEAN, COME ON, HE IS THE

GREATEST ATHLETE IN THE WORLD,

AND HE GETS BUSTED WITH THAT

BIG, OLD BONG.

DON'T YOU LOVE THAT?

AND THAT PROVES TO YOU THAT POT

IS GOOD FOR YOU.

WE KNOW THAT, THOUGH, RIGHT?

AND WHAT WAS KELLOGG'S THINKING,

TAKING AWAY HIS SPONSORSHIP?

WHAT DO THEY THINK STONERS EAT

AT 2:00 A.M. IN THE MORNING?

[laughter]

BUT I THINK I DESERVE AN AWARD

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO

TOMMY CHONG FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

[cheers and applause]

AND WHEN WE FIRST MET CHEECH, WE

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A MEXICAN

WAS THEN.

AND THEN TOMMY FIGURED IT OUT.

HE SAID, "SHELBY, IT'S LIKE AN

INDIAN WITHOUT A CASINO."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

BUT WHEN WE FIRST MET CHEECH, HE

HAD SHORT HAIR, YOU KNOW, AND

HEHE KIND OF LOOKED LIKE A

COP, SO TOMMY GAVE HIM A DRUG

TEST.

IN THOSE DAYS, A DRUG TEST WAS

LIKE, "TRY THIS."

AND CHEECH WAS LIKE, "SURE, BUT

YOU TRY THIS."

SO WE DID.

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M LOOKING

AT CHEECH AND HE STARTS LAUGHING

AT ME, AND HE'S MOCKING ME.

THEN HE STARTS GROWING TITTIES!

I START FREAKING OUT!

TOMMY COMES RUNNING OVER, "WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT?"

I SAID, "LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT

CHEECH!"

TOMMY GOES, "OH, MAN, YOU'RE

FUCKED UP.

YOU'RE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR."

[laughter]

CHEECH HAD SOME GOOD SHIT.

AND THEN THEY WENT DOWN TO L.A.

AND THEY DID A LITTLE MOVIE

CALLEDUP IN SMOKE.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?

[cheers and applause]

AND THEY'RE GONNA DO ANOTHER

CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE.

WON'T THAT BE COOL?

[cheering]

I TOLD TOMMY THEY SHOULD CALL IT

"GRUMPY OLD STONERS."

SO I THINK I'M GONNA BRING

TOMMY CHONG RIGHT OUT NOW.

YOU GUYS READY FOR HIM?

[cheers and applause]

>> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M BAKED ♪

>> YOU READY FOR THE MAHARISHI

OF MAREANA?

>> ♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

>> THE POPE OF DOPE!

LET'S STAND UP AND GIVE HIM A

WARM WELCOME, MR. TOMMY CHONG!

[cheers and applause]

>> ♪ YOU KNOW I SMOKE POT ♪

♪ IT'S ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ EVEN MY DEALER ♪

♪ SAYS I SHOULD SLOW DOWN ♪

>> THANK YOU.

>> ♪ I'M TOO BAKED ♪

>> BE SEATED.

>> ♪ I'M TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS BAKED ♪

>> LOVE YOU, TOMMY!

>> ♪ I'M NOT A FAKE ♪

>> SAN BERNARDINO, YEAH.

SAN BERDOO.

WHEN I HEARD I WAS GONNA BE IN

SAN BERDOO, I SAID, "WELL, I'D

BETTER GET MY HEAD TOGETHER FOR

THIS SHOW."

THEN THEY TOLD ME THAT WE GO ON

LAST, SO I MISTIMED MY DOPE BY,

UH, A COUPLE HOURS.

WHOO!

THOSE BROWNIES, MAN.

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU

EAT BROWNIES, YOU KNOW.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GOT THAT

POT LEAF STICKER ON 'EM, YOU

KNOW?

'CAUSE IT SHOWS YOU IT'S BEEN

MADE BY A STONER.

AND STONERS FORGET THINGS, YOU

KNOW?

THEY'LL BE MAKING IT, MIXING IT

UPDID I PUT POT IN?

I BETTER PUT MORE IN THERE.

DID I PUT POT IN?

OH, I BETTER PUT MORE IN.

AND ONE LITTLE CORNER WILL GET

YOU HIGH FOR A WEEK.

AND SO YOU TAKE THAT ONE LITTLE

CORNER, AND WHAT HAPPENS?

OH, NOW YOU'RE STONED AND YOU'RE

HOLDING A BROWNIE.

NOW, YOUR MINYOUR BRAIN TELLS

YOU, "NO, NO, NO!"

YEAH, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM.

I GOT SO STONED ONE TIME ON

BROWNIES, MAN, I WENT SHOPPING

WITH MY WIFE AND I ENJOYED IT.

THAT'S FUCKED UP, MAN.

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO A SHOW

ININ JAIL, AND JUST BEFORE

THE CHRISTMAS SHOWJUST BEFORE

I'M TO GO ON I REALIZED, I'M IN

FUCKING JAIL.

WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE?

WHY AM I ENTERTAINING THESE BA

IF I SAY ONE THING WRONG,

THEY'LL THROW ME IN THE HOLE.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> MM.

>> AND I'M NOT GETTING PAID.

>> YEAH.

>> SO, FUCK IT.

[laughter]

SO I WOULDN'T DO ANY COMEDY IN

JAIL.

THE ONLY COMEDY I DID IN JAIL

WAS WHEN THEY WERE PLAYING

BASEBALL, I'D HECKLE EVERYBODY.

[laughter]

AND I HAD SEASONED CONS COME UP

TO ME, "UH, DON'T CALL PEOPLE

PUSSIES, OKAY?"

[laughter]

NOT HERE, YOU KNOW?

>> THAT'S CROSSING A LINE.

>> HEY, HIT IT, YOU PUSSY!

ANYBODY WANTING TO KNOW WHAT

JAIL IS LIKE, IT'S LIKE FLYING

DELTA.

SAME THING, YOU KNOW?

YOU GO TO THE SECURITY, AND

THEYYOU GOTTA SPREAD YOUR

CHEEKS AND

AND THEY SEARCH YOU FOR ALL

SORTS OF SHIT.

BUT THE WEIRDEST THING WITH ME,

THEY PUT ME IN JAIL, THEN THEY

MADE ME TAKE A DRUG EDUCATION

COURSE.

OH, OKAY, I'LL SIGN UP FOR THAT.

I ENDED UP TEACHING IT.

[cheers and applause]

OH, THEYTHEY HAD IT ALL

SCREWED UP, MAN.

THEY WERE SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"MAREANA IS A DANGEROUS DRUG,"

AND I HAD TO TELL THEM, I SAID,

"NOPE, MAREANA IS THE

FRIENDLIEST DRUG YOU'LL EVER

COME ACROSS."

IT IS.

IT'S THE ONLY DRUG I KNOW WHERE

YOU TAKE A HIT, YOUR FIRST

IMPULSE IS TO GIVE IT TO

SOMEBODY.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S FRIENDLY.

I'LL TELL YOU, A DANGEROUS DRUG

IS COCAINE.

COCAINE IS A DANGEROUS DRUG

BECAUSE IT MAKES THE USER THINK

HE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HE'S

DOING.

AND THAT CAN BE DANGEROUS, YOU

KNOW?

AND IT MAKES YOU PARANOID TOO,

YOU KNOW, FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, CHARLIE SHEEN IS A REALLY

GOOD EXAMPLE OF IT.

CHAR[laughs]

YOU'LL SEE CHARLIE, "I KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE DOING.

OH, YEAH, THEY'REI'M ON TO

THEIR TRIP, BOY.

YEAH, THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME

TAKE $1/4 MILLION A WEEK.

YEAH.

WELL, I'LL FIX THAT.

YEAH, $1/4 MILLION, YOU KNOW HOW

MUCH COKE YOU CAN BUY WITH

$1/4 MILLION?

THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!"

BUT COCAINE IS A REALLY

INSIDIOUS DRUG TOO, BECAUSE

THETHE USERS, YOU KNOW?

WHERE POT, YOU SHARE.

COCAINE, IT'S LIKEYOU KNOW.

IF YOU SEE YOUR BUDDY, IT'S

LIKE...

AND THEN YOU COME OUT AFTER YOUR

LITTLE COKE PARTY, YOU KNOW, YOU

GOT SHIT ALL OVER YOUR MOUSTACHE

AND YOUR NOSE, YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU FREAK 'EM OUT AND SAY,

HEY, MAN.

OH!

AND THEN THE USER THINKSHE

KNOWS HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF

DON JUAN ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU

KNOW?

BE LEANING OVER CHICKS, TALKING

SHIT, YOU KNOW, LEANING,

TALKING.

AND THEY ALWAYS GOT THAT ONE

RAP.

WE GOTTA DO IT.

WE GOTTA DO IT.

MAN, WE GOTTA DO IT, MAN.

WE GOTTA DO IT BEFORE SOMEONE

ELSE DOES IT.

'CAUSE IF WE DON'T DO IT,

SOMEONE ELSE IS GONNA DO IT,

THEN WE WON'T BE ABLE TO DO IT.

SO WE GOTTA DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT

EVERY TIME THEY BREATHE OUT,

THERE'S A BIG COKE BOOGER THAT

COMES DOWN.

MMM, MMM.

NOW, THEY COULD BE TALKING TO A

COKED CHICK.

SHE'LL WATCH IT FOR A WHILE, AND

THEN SHE'LL GOTINK.

SO THE MESSAGE HERE, KIDS, IS

"COKE, NO.

POT, YES."

[cheers and applause]

THE ONLYTHE ONLY PROBLEM YOU

HAVE WITH POT, OF COURSE, IS

DRIVING.

AND IT'S NOT, YOU'RE DANGEROUS,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE NO ONE, I DON'T

THINK, HAS EVER BEEN, UH, YOU

KNOWI'VE NEVER HEARD OF POT

ACCIDENTS, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE POT DRIVERS ARE WAY TOO

CAREFUL.

WAY TOOTHEY KNOW THEY GOTTA

DRIVE, SO WHEN THEY GET IN THE

CAR, THEY'RE NOT REALLY IN A

CAR, THEY'RE JUST EXAMINING

THINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND THINGSTHEY NOTICE THINGS

LIKE THERE'S NO STEERING WHEEL.

OH, I'M IN THE BACK SEAT.

OH, OKAY.

AND THEN WHEN THEY START UP THE

CARWELL, FIRST OF ALL, THEY

SIT THERE FOR A LONG TIME,

THINKING IT'S JUST GONNA DRIVE

BY ITSELF, YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU GO, OH, KEY, RIGHT.

THEN YOU GOTGET YOUR CAR

STARTED.

NOW WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING, YOU'RE

NOT DRIVING, YOU'RE FLYING AN

AIRPLANE.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, IT TAKES

YOU AN HOUR TO GET OUT OF

TRAFFIC BECAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR THE RIGHT TIME.

THERE COULD BE A GUY FIVE MILES

DOWN THE ROAD, BUT YOU'RE GONNA

WAIT FOR THAT FELLA.

BECAUSE YOU'RE CAREFUL.

THEN WHEN YOU DO GET OUT, OH,

YOU'RESTAY BETWEEN THE LINES.

STAY BETWEEN THE LINES.

OH, SHIT, I JUST WENT THROUGH A

RED LIGHT.

OH.

BUT I'M BETWEEN THE LINES, YEAH.

AND THEN YOU DO STUPID THINGS,

LIKE YOU SIT AT A STOP SIGN AND

WAIT FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE.

HUH?

[cheers and applause]

WE'VE ALL DONE THAT.

AND YOU'RE SITTING AND SITTING

AND SITTING AND SITTING, AND

THEN THE COPS PULL UP ALONGSIDE

OF YOU.

OH, NOW YOU GET THAT "DON'T LOOK

AT THE COPS" STARE.

THEN IF YOU'RE REALLY STONED,

YOU TRY TO GET UNSTONED.

[grunting]

YOU PEEKOH, NOW THEY'RE

STARING AT YOU.

BUT WE ALWE'RE BLESSED WITH

POT ANGELS.

COCAINE, THEY GOT THE DEVILS,

BUT WE, THE POTHEADS, WE HAVE

OUR ANGELS.

I WAS SITTING AT A STOP SIGN ONE

TIME AND COPS PULLED UP, AND I'M

TRYING TO LOOK AROUND MY NOSE,

YOU KNOW, TO SEE IF THEY'RE

THERE.

AND THEN FOR SOME REASON I

NOTICED THAT THERE WASN'T A

LIGHT.

I'M JUST SITTING THERE.

SO I JAMMED ON THE GAS AND

HALFWAY THROUGH THE

INTERSECTION, I JAMMED ON THE

BRAKE THINKING, "WHAT IF I WAS

WRONG?"

THAT'S WHEN THE POT ANGEL TOOK

ME OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKED ME

AROUND TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR

AND OPENED THE HOOD AND LOOKED

AND MADE ME LOOK IN LIKE I HAD

CAR TROUBLE.

'CAUSE WHEN COPS SEE YOU HAVE

CAR TROUBLE, THEY DON'T WANT TO

HAVE NO PART OF YOU, BOY.

THEY'LL GET OUTTA THERE.

BUT I KNOW POT IS REALLY GOOD

FOR YOU, BECAUSE MY CAT LOVES TO

GET HIGH.

AND CATS ARE VERY, VERY FUSSY

CREATURES, MAN.

YOU KNOWYOU KNOW CATS, THEY'RE

LIKE WOMEN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T

PLEASE THEM.

MY CAT WILL CRY TO GO OUTSIDE

AND HE'LLI'LL OPEN THE DOOR

AND HE'LL STAND IN THE DOORWAY

AND LOOK OUTSIDE LIKE HE'S

SHOPPING, YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL TELL HIM, "DO YOU WANT

TO GO OUT OR IN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND HE'LL GIVE ME THAT

"FUCK OFF" LOOK THAT WOMEN GIVE

YOU, YOU KNOW THAT

[laughter and applause]

BUT I'VE BEEN AROUND ANIMALS ALL

MY LIFE, AND I CAN READ THEIR

MINDS.

OH, YOU WANT OUT, DON'T YOU?

[cheers and applause]

THE FIRST TIME I GOT HIM STONED,

I DIDN'T MEAN TO, I JUST DIDN'T

SEE HIM IN THE ROOM.

AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS

STONED TILL I WATCHED HIM WALK

OFF A TABLE.

AND HE DIDN'T LAND ON HIS FEET!

NO, BOY!

HE TOOK THAT ONE EXTRA STEP.

STARTED CLAWING SHIT.

THEN HE GOT HUNG UP ON ONE NAIL,

AND HE'S HANGING THERE, LOOKING

AT ME LIKE, "I'M OKAY."

THEN HE GOT COTTONMOUTH OR

SOMETHING, BECAUSE HEHE TRIED

TO WALK TOWARD ME, KEPT BACKING

UP, YOU KNOW?

THEN HE COMES UP TO ME, HE

GOES...

[inaudible]

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING DEAF.

FUCK, ARE YOU MEOWING?

THEN I REALIZED, HE'S FUCKED UP.

SO I GIVE HIM A LITTLE KITTY

DRUG TEST.

YEAH, I THREW HIM AT THE

CURTAINS AND HE DIDN'T STICK.

HE'S STONED, HE'S THINKING,

"FUCK, I'M FLYING MAN!"

NOW WHEN I CALL HIM IN FROM

OUTSIDE, I DON'T GO, "KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY," MAN.

I JUST MAKE A SOUND LIKE A BONG.

[mimics bong hit]

HE HEARS THAT SOUND, HE'LL COME

RUNNING 50 MILES AWAY, MAN.

LITTLE TAIL IN THE AIR.

THEN HE'LL FOLLOW ME AROUND FOR

THE REST OF THE NIGHT LIKE A

LITTLE CAT JUNKIE, YOU KNOW?

COME ON, MAN, FIRE IT UP.

COME ON, I WANT TO SIT IN THE

WINDOW AND LOOK AT SHIT.

WHERE DID YOU START IN COMEDY?

>> OH, I STARTED OFF IN, LIKE,

LITTLE BARS IN EAST L.A.

I'M ASIAN, I HAD TO FINISH

SCHOOL FIRST.

I COULDN'T JUST SAY, "I'M GONNA

DO COMEDY."

MY MOM WOULD BE, "OH, NO!"

>> WHAT ASIAN?

>> FILIPINO.

>> FILIPINO?

>> YEAH.

>> ANDAND WHAT DID THEY WANT

YOU TO DO?

>> BE A NURSE.

[laughter]

>> NOW THERE'S A GOOD BIT.

>> AND I LOVED IT, MAN.

YOU WERE SUCH A BIG INFLUENCE TO

ME, JUST BEING ASIAN AND

"CHONG," YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> I BET!

>> YEAH, AND THEN SMOKING TOO,

AND I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, I CAN DO

THIS, LIKE"

I MEAN, 'CAUSE THERE WERE NO

ASIANS OUT THERE.

JUST YOU AND ARNOLD FROM

HAPPY DAYS.

>> YEAH.

>> I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT IT.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW?

>> THOSE LATINOS, THEY THINK I'M

CHICANO.

>> RIGHT, RIGHT.

>> EVEN THOUGH IT'S "CHONG," YOU

KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL."

I NEVER KNEW HOW THEY MET, MY

MOM AND DAD, TILL MY MOM DIED

AND WE'RE AT THE FUNERAL AND I

MY DAD WAS UPSET, I TOOK HIM

FOR A DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, I SAID, "HOW DID YOU

GUYS MEET?"

AND HE TOLD ME THE STORY THAT

THERE'S ABACK IN THE DAY, THEY

WOULD STROLL IN THE PARK.

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND THE CHINESE GUYS WOULD

HANG OUT IN ONE AREA, AND ALL

THE WHITE LADIESUKRAINIANS

AND, UH, HOUSEKEEPERS,

BASICALLY...

>> RIGHT, OKAY.

>> WOULD STROLL BY THE CHINESE

GUYS, 'CAUSE THE CHINESE GUYS

HAD JOBS, AND THEY HAD MONEY,

AND SO THEY WOULD CRUISE BY, AND

MY DAD SPOTTED MY MOM AND

>> SWEET.

>> MY MOM WAS 5'8", AND MY DAD

WAS 5'3".

>> WOW!

SEE, THAT'STHAT'S BADASS.

YEAH!

>> BUT I-I REALLY SCREWED

EVERYTHING UP, BECAUSE WHEN I

GOT OF AGE, I DISCOVERED BLACK

WOMEN.

>> RIGHT.

>> YOU KNOW?

AND SO I BROUGHT MY FIRST BLACK

GIRLFRIEND HOME, AND MY DAD

PULLED ME IN THE KITCHEN AND HE

GOES, "SON, SHE'S BLACK."

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I SAID, "DAD, YOU'RE

CHINESE."

>> SAY, "I KNOW, BUT DID YOU SEE

HER ASS, DAD."

[laughter]

>> BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

BUT MY BLACK WIFE AND I

EX-WIFEWE GET ALONG FINE.

>> THAT'S RAE DAWN'S MOM?

>> YEAH, RAE DAWN'S MOM.

>> UH-HUH, WOW.

>> I DO THIS BIT IN MY SHOW,

YOU KNOW, THAT I GOT SO BLACK,

MAN, I ENDED UP MARRYING A WHITE

WOMAN.

>> THAT'S HOW IT IS, RIGHT?

[laughter]

FULL CIRCLE.

>> AND NOW, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, A NICE WARM ROUND OF

APPLAUSE FOR EDWIN SAN JUAN!

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

>> WHAT'S UP, SAN BERNARDINO?

YOU GUYS GOOD?

[cheering]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, RIGHT ON,

RIGHT ON.

HI.

>> all: HI.

>> NO, I'M HIGH.

I'M GLAD TO BE ON THE 420 SHOW

WITH TOMMY CHONG.

THIS IS A REAL HONOR FOR ME.

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

[cheers and applause]

MM-HMM.

WEED IS HARMLESS.

WEED IS COOL.

THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD ON THIS

SHOWEVERY TIME I GET HIGH,

IT NEVER FAILS, I END UP AT

JACK IN THE BOX.

RIGHT?

LIKE, 2:30 IN THE MORNING.

[giggles]

WE'RE HERE AGAIN.

OH, I'M BY MYSELF.

[click]

"WELCOME TO JACK IN THE BOX.

MAY I HELP YOU?"

[giggles]

YEAH, IS JACK THERE?

[click] "JACK'S NOT HERE.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?"

OH, YOU MEAN JACK'S OFF?

[giggles]

WHEN'S HE COMING?

HE'S MAKING SECRET SAUCE.

THAT'S WHEN YOU GOTTA LEAVE,

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY'LL SPIT IN YOUR

FOOD.

YOU GOTTA GO TO WENDY'S.

IS WENDY THERE?

[giggles]

OKAY, I WENT TOO FAR WITH THAT

JOKE.

THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS

YOU CAN'T GO TOO FAR WITH

MAREANA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU CAN'T OVERDOSE ON MAREANA.

BELIEVE ME, I TRIED.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU CAN SMOKE ALL THE WEED THAT

YOU CAN SMOKE, YOU'LL STILL WAKE

UP IN THE MORNING...

HUNGRY.

RIGHT, I READ A ARTICLE INTIME

MAGAZINE, RIGHT?

TIMEMAGAZINE, IT SAID IN ORDER

FOR A PERSON TO OVERDOSE ON

MAREANA, THEY HAVE TO SMOKE

900 JOINTS WITHIN 24 HOURS.

OKAY, LOOK, YOU WOULD DIE TRYING

TO ROLL 900 JOINTS...

IN 24 HOURS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

THEY HAD TO HIRE PEOPLE TO DO

THAT SURVEY.

THAT'S THE JOB I WANT TO HAVE,

RIGHT?

JUST SMOKE WEED ALL DAY?

I'LL BE LIKE, I'M EARLY.

WHERE DO I GO?

THAT'S YOUR JOB, SMOKE WEED ALL

DAY.

676.

[inhales]

OR WAS THAT 767?

[exhales]

FUCK IT, START OVER.

[giggles]

CAN YOU IMAGINE, RIGHT?

AT THE 900TH JOINT, YOU'RE LIKE,

DUDE, IF I SMOKE THIS I'LL DIE.

FUCK IT, I'LL JUST SMOKE HALF.

[giggles]

[cheers and applause]

MM-HMM.

RIGHT?

IT'S CHANGED.

REMEMBER WEED WAS THE GATEWAY

DRUG, RIGHT?

NOW IT'S MEDICINE FOR ARTHRITIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SMOKE CHRONIC 'CAUSE I HAVE

ARTHRITIS.

AND I HAVE ARTHRITIS 'CAUSE I

CHRONICALLY MASTURBATE.

THAT'S AS FAR AS MY FINGERS GO

STRAIGHT.

I DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS I CAN

STILL...[inhales]

EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

I HAVE THE MONKEY'S ASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S WHEN YOU'RE BALD RIGHT HERE

AND THEN THERE'S HAIR EVERYWHERE

ELSE.

AND THEN YOU TURN AROUND, IT

LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A MONKEY'S

ASS ON YOUR HEAD.

IT'S FUCKED UP.

I LOOK LIKE A OLD MAN FROM THE

BACK.

I CAN GET SENIOR CITIZEN

DISCOUNTS AT SIZZLER.

I JUST GOTTA WALK IN BACKWARDS.

YOU GOT THE CHEESE TOAST?

CHEESE TOAST!

"UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR, CAN YOU

TURN AROUND, PLEASE?"

OH, UH...

YOU HAVE A CHEESE TOAST?

THAT'S A UGLY FACE, HUH?

I THOUGHT OF THAT FACE WHEN I

WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AT

MY FRIEND'S HOUSE.

HE HAD ONE OF THOSE DOORS WITH

THE MIRROR ON THE BACK.

I WAS LIKE...[grunts]

I'M GONNA MAKE MILLIONS.

I HAD TO GO TO DMV RECENTLY AND

RENEW MY DRIVER'S LICENSE,

RIGHT?

SO I HAD TO TAKE THE WRITTEN

TEST OVER.

I HAD TO TAKE THE PICTURE.

I TRIED TO TAKE THE PICTUREI

TRIED TO DO THE FACE.

THE LADY GOT MAD.

"WE HAVE TO RETAKE THE PHOTO."

I WAS LIKE, AWW, I CAN'T KEEP

THAT ONE?

"THIS IS NOT DISNEYLAND."

[imitates cat screech]

THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A

SECOND, YOU KNOW, I COULD HAVE

TOOK THAT PICTURE.

I COULD HAVE PULLED IT OFF, YOU

KNOW WHAT I MEAN, IF I JUST

WOULD HAVE COMMITTED, LIKE, FROM

THE VERY BEGINNING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LIKE, IF I

WOULD HAVE WALKED IN TO DMV

LIKE...

[cheers and applause]

HELLO, I'M HERE FOR THE DRIVER'S

LICENSE.

TAKE THE NUMBER.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

JUST COMMITTED THE WHOLE TIME,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"B" AS IN "BOLKSWAGEN."

"EP" AS IN "PRIDAY."

WHAT THE FUCK IS "PRIDAY"?

I'M 42 YEARS OLD.

I STILL LIVE AT HOME WITH MY

MOM.

I DON'T CARE, THOUGH, IT'S OKAY,

'CAUSE MY BROTHER'S 45 AND HE

STILL LIVES THERE TOO.

WHEN HE MOVES, THEN FOR SURE

I'LL GET THE BIGGER BEDROOM.

I DON'T MIND BEING AT HOME WITH

MY MOM, 'CAUSE I'M THE YOUNGEST

OF FOUR, YOU KNOW?

MY OLDER BROTHERS AND SISTERS

ARE MARRIED ALREADY, THEY HAVE

KIDS.

YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY'S A TRIP.

YOU KNOW, MY OLDEST BROTHER IS

MARRIED TO A WHITE GIRL.

SHE'S HALF ENGLISH, HALF GERMAN.

YOU KNOW, MY SISTER IS MARRIED

TO AN AFRO-AMERICAN.

MY BROTHER IS DATING A LATINA.

MY GIRLFRIEND IS HALF FILIPINA,

HALF IRISH WITH A 16-YEAR-OLD

HALF-SAMOAN SON.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

HOLIDAYS AT MY HOUSE IS LIKE

UNITED NATIONS.

AND IT'S GOOD THAT I'M HOME WITH

MY MOM 'CAUSE SHE'S GETTING OLD,

YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S IN DENIAL

ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE'S STARTING TO FORGET A

LOT OF STUFF, AND I'M A POTHEAD,

SO TOGETHER THAT'S NOT A GOOD

COMBINATION.

I'M LOOKING AT HER LIKE, "DO I

KNOW YOU?"

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME, "YOU LOOK

FAMILIAR."

I LOVE MY MOM.

I TEASE MY MOM, BUT YOU KNOW, I

LOVE MY MOM.

SHE'S MY HERO, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL PERSON,

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I TEASE HER A LOT, BUT SHE

DOESN'T REALLY HAVE AN ACCENT,

BUT WHEN SHE GETS ANGRY THEN HER

ACCENT COMES OUT.

THAT'S LIKE ALL CULTURES, YOU

KNOW?

I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HER THE

OTHER DAY.

HEY, MOM, WHAT'S GOING ON?

"OH, MY GOD, THAT DOG IN THE

BACKYARD.

THAT 'FIT BULL.'

I'M GONNA EAT THAT DOG, EDWIN.

[laughter and applause]

OH, YES, I'M GOING TO EAT HIM!

THEY'RE GONNA COME HOME, THEY

CAN'T FIND HIM.

'WHERE'S MY DOG?'

I DON'T KNOW.

YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD."

[click]

I HAD TO SAY THAT, 'CAUSE THAT'S

THE ONE JOKE THAT MESSES ME UP

ALL THE TIME.

GROWING UP, BEING FILIPINO, IT

WAS EVERY TIME I WOULD TELL

PEOPLE I'M FILIPINO, THE FIRST

THING THEY SAY IS, "OH,

FILIPINOS EAT DOGS."

OKAY, LOOK, I ONLY HAVE ONE

THING TO SAY ABOUT THAT:

IT'S NOT BAD.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

SAN BERNARDINO!

420, TOMMY CHONG!

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

>> I'VE NEVER SMOKED POT, BUT

MAN, I COULD USE SOME COKE RIGHT

NOW.

>> IT WAS AIT'S MORE OF A

DOORWAY DRUG.

[laughter]

YOU GET GREAT IDEAS...

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> BUT THE MINUTE YOU WALK

THROUGH THAT DOORWAY, YOU CAN'T

REMEMBER SHIT.

>> THAT'S REALLY THE ONLY EFFECT

I HAVE WHEN I DON'T HAVE WEED,

IS I CAN'T SLEEP.

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT

POT, IS THAT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE

IT, YOU'RE NOT LIKE, "OH,

GOD DAMN IT!"

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

I'M REALLY PRODUCTIVE RIGHT

NOW."

I'M GLAI GOT ALL MY SHIT DONE,

AND IT'S NOT EVEN NOON YET, SO

ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES I EVER

GOT TO FEATURE ON THE ROAD WAS

FOR YOU, IN SOUTH BEND, INDIANA.

AND, UH, SHELBY WAS KIND OF ON

YOU ABOUT SMOKING AT THE TIME,

SO...

>> YEAH.

>> SHE WOULD GO ONSTAGE AND YOU

AND IYOU WOULD FILL A BONG

WITH COORS LIGHT...

>> YEAH.

>> AND WE WOULD DO BONG RIPS.

AND THEN AFTER THE SHOW THIS GUY

PULLED UP IN A LIMO AND PULLED

OUT, TO DATE, ONE OF THE BIGGEST

STALKS OF WEED I'VE EVER SEEN,

AND WE JUST SAT.

AND HE HAD A JOINT, IT WAS LIKE

THIT LOOKED LIKE A

DRUMSTICK...

>> EH, DAMN.

>> THAT WAS ON FIRE AT ONE END.

AND WE SAT IN THAT LIMO AND GOT

JUST WASTED...

>> UH-HUH.

>> AS THE AUDIENCE WALKED OUT.

>> [laughs]

>> AND WE JUST WAVED.

[laughter]

THE SMOKEIT LOOKED LIKE ONE OF

YOUR MOVIES, 'CAUSE THERE WAS

LITERALLY JUST SMOKE JUST

BILLOWING OUT OF THIS LIMOUSINE.

>> ISN'T IT FUNNY?

MYMY WIFE STILL GETS ON ME

ABOUT SMOKING.

[laughter]

>> YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED THIS OUT

YET?

>> YOU MAKE SURE YOU PICK YOUR

BATTLES.

>> I'M 75 YEARS OLD, MAN.

I STILL SNEAK.

>> YEAH. [laughs]

>> HEY! BIG TREAT!

FUNNY MAN RIGHT HERE.

CHRIS PORTER!

GIVE IT UP!

[cheers and applause]

CHRIS PORTER.

[bluesy guitar music]

♪ ♪

>> GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING.

I'M DATING AGAIN.

I HATE IT.

I DON'T DO VEGAS, I DON'T DO

DANCE CLUBS, FOR OBVIOUS

REASONS.

THIS.

THIS IS NOT MY MONEY-MAKER.

I GOT TO IMPRESS THEM WITH MY

WITTICISMS.

I DON'T HAVE A DANCE CLUB LOOK.

I CAN'T WALK THROUGH SOME DARK

CLUB AND JUST BE LIKE, YOU...

LET'S GO.

RIGHT? NO.

THE ONLY GIRLS FOLLOWING ME ARE

LOOKING AT HER FRIENDS LIKE,

"LADIES, COME ON, WE'RE GOING TO

A CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

IT'S GONNA BE SWEET."

[laughter and applause]

YEAH, LAUGH IT UP.

IT'S HILARIOUS.

THIS IS WHAT IT DOES!

THIS IS WHAT IT DOES!

I DIDN'T GO TO A SALON AND SAY,

"FUCKING WONKA ME," ALL RIGHT?

YOU THINK I'M AT THE HOTEL

WAITING FOR CURLERS TO SET?

NO!

I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, AND

THIS IS WHAT IT FUCKING DOES!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, AND IT'S NOT GONNA DO THIS

FOR LONG, EITHER.

FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT THE OTHER

DAY, THAT'S HAPPENING.

LOOK AT IT, JUST STARING AT YOU.

JUST A GIANT COUNTDOWN TO AWFUL.

DANCE CLUBS ARE SKETCHY ANYWAY.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

GOING HOME WITH TILL IT'S TOO

LATE.

RIGHT, IT'S SO DARK IN THERE,

YOU WALK OUT AT 2:00 IN THE

MORNING, THE STREETLIGHTS HIT

HER.

YOU'RE LIKE, SO, BABE

JESUS CHRIST! HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHNO, IT'S NOT YOU.

I SWEAR, NO.

I JUST BROKE MY LEG.

I APOLOGIZE.

I HAVE A CALCIUM DEFICIENCY.

I THINK I SNAPPED MY FEMUR

COMING THROUGH THE DOORWAY.

I'M GONNA HOBBLE TO THE

HOSPITAL.

YOU SHOULD GO HOME.

I THINK WE NEED TO PUT OUR CELL

PHONES DOWN AND START LIVING

LIFE AGAIN.

[cheers and applause]

I'M TIRED OF HANGING OUT WITH

PEOPLE WHO ARE ON THEIR PHONES

TEXTING PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T JUST

DRIVE TO SEE THEM.

THEY'RE NOT A STATUS SYMBOL

ANYMORE!

I SAW A HOMELESS GUY WITH A CELL

PHONE YESTERDAY.

THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE AT NOW.

YOU CAN GET 'EM OFF YOUR FUCKING

BELT.

WHY DO YOU NEED YOUR CELL PHONE

ON YOUR BELT?

ARE YOU AND ANOTHER DOUCHE BAG

GONNA HAVE SOME KIND OF DUEL?

AND FACEBOOK'S MAKING US BORING.

I KNOW IT'S FUN TO KEEP UP WITH

EACH OTHER, BUT NOW WHEN WE

ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY SEE EACH

OTHER, WE GOT DICK TO SAY 'CAUSE

WE POSTED EVERY FUCKING THOUGHT

OR ACTIVITY.

[cheers and applause]

YOU GOT YOUR FRIENDS THAT POST

EVERYTHING, LIKE SOMEONE GIVES A

SHIT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS THAT GODDAMN

INTERESTING, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE

TIME TO FACEBOOK ABOUT IT EVERY

FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!

[cheers and applause]

I GOT FRIENDS I HAVEN'T SEEN IN

A YEAR AND A HALF STILL ANNOYING

THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

"I JUST PUT MY KIDS TO BED AND

NOW I'M CLEANING THE

REFRIGERATOR."

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP IN A

CONVERSATION?

THAT YOU CLEANI WOULD PUNCH

YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I ASK YOU WHAT YOU DID LAST

NIGHT, AND THE EXTENT OF YOUR

ACTIVITY WAS CLEANING THE

REFRIGERATOR, YOUR PROPER

RESPONSE IS, "FUCKING NOTHING.

I DIDN'T DO SHIT LAST NIGHT!"

'CAUSE YOU START TELLING ME A

FUCKING REFRIGERATOR CLEANING

STORY, THAT SHIT BETTER GO

SOMEWHERE!

LIKE, "OH, AND THEN I FOUND A

BRICK OF WEED I DIDN'T KNOW I

HAD," OR SOMETHING.

I'M PART OF A GENERATION I DON'T

UNDERSTAND...WHICH I THINK IS

FAIRLY OBVIOUS IF YOU TAKE TWO

SECONDS AND FUCKING LOOK AT ME.

I DON'T LOOK LIKE SOMEONE MY

AGE.

I LOOK LIKE I WALKED OUT OF AN

ALLMAN BROTHERS PHOTO.

WHICH I LIKE.

I LIKE HOW I LOOK.

I BOUGHT THIS SHIT.

I THINK A LOT OF YOU FUCKERS

LOOK WEIRD.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING

TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, WHICH IS

FINE.

GET A TATTOO.

GET NINE TATTOOS.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU NEED A

SLEEVE OF TATTOOS.

I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK

THIS SHIT TO YOU, BUT YOU'RE

GONNA GROW OLD.

AND THAT SHIT AIN'T GONNA LOOK

RIGHT.

NO.

YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA BE "GRANDPA

DARK ARMS."

AND ALL THE GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA

HAVE QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHAT THE

FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR ARMS,

GRANDPA?"

AND THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "WHAT

THE FUCK," TO YOU, 'CAUSE THAT'S

THE KIND OF FAMILY YOU'LL RUN,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TATTOO ARMS!

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN

YOURSELF TO AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD.

WELL, BUDDY, THIS USED TO BE A

SERPENT.

BUT THEN MY LIVER SPOTS CAME IN,

SO NOW I JUST TELL PEOPLE IT'S A

RUN-OVER CHEETAH.

THIS IS MY TRIBAL TATTOO.

"GRANDPA, WHAT TRIBE ARE YOU

IN?"

I'M IN THE TRIBE OF GUYS WHO HAD

$150 IN THE MID-'90s.

WE ARE A MASSIVE TRIBE.

WE ALMOST CONQUERED EVERY GYM IN

AMERICA.

[cheers and applause]

AND PIERCE IT UP.

GET ALL THE PIERCINGS YOU WANT,

'CAUSE THAT SHIT WILL GROW BACK

WHEN YOU'RE TIRED OF BEING MAD

AT WHOEVER YOU'RE MAD AT.

IT'S THE GAUGING OF THE EARS I

DON'T GET.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GAUGING

IS, THAT'S WHERE THEY STICK THE

DISKS IN THEIR EARLOBES TO MAKE

THE HOLES IN THEIR EARLOBES

BIGGER AND BIGGER AND BIGGER

TILL IT'S A GIANT "FUCK YOU" TO

A JOB WITH BENEFITS.

[cheers and applause]

FUCK YOU, RETIREMENT!

I'M GONNA WORK AT THIS SUB SHOP

TILL I DIE.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DON'T HANG OUT

WITH MY FRIENDS WITH THOSE

BIG-ASS HOLES IN YOUR EARS.

PROBABLY WAKE UP WITH TWO DICKS

IN YOUR FACE.

LOOK AT HIM!

HE'S A STORMTROOPER!

LOOK AT HIM.

LOOKI'M FUCKING YOUR EAR,

DAVE.

I'M FUCKING YOUR EAR.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE A REBEL NOW?

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN,

MAN.

I APPRECIATE IT.

PEACE AND LOVE.

[cheers and applause]

>> ♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

EVERYONE.

[humming]

>> I GREW UP IN D.C.

I DIDN'T REALLY SEE ANY WHITE

PEOPLE TILL I WAS ABOUT FIVE OR

SIX YEARS OLD.

IT WAS A BUDDY OF MINE THAT I

PLAYED BASKETBALL WITH.

FIRST TIME I'D SEEN A BLACK DUDE

WITH A BONG, RIGHT?

[laughter]

AND I THOUGHTI JUST ASSOCIATED

THAT WITH, LIKE, CRACK, YOU

KNOW, BUT NO.

>> YEAH.

>> THE GLASS PIPE.

>> WE PLAYEDMADDENAND WE GOT

HIGH AND FORGOT THAT WE HAD

THE JODECI ALBUM JUST CAME OUT.

WE LISTENED TOFOREVER MY LADY

FOR THREE HOURS STRAIGHT BEFORE

WE REALIZED THAT IT WAS ON

REPEAT.

OH, THIS SONG HAS BEEN PLAYING

FOR A LONG GODDAMN TIME.

[laughter]

WE'RE THREE GAMES INTOMADDEN

AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE FOCUSED AND

WE WERE LIKE, "THIS SONG IS

STILL PLAYING!"

AND THAT WAS MY FIRST MUSIC AND,

YOU KNOWAND, LIKE, POT AND

THEM WAS, LIKE, ALL IN TOGETHER.

I WAS LIKE, "WOW, SO NOW I SEE

WHAT THIS DOES."

>> YOU CAN'T UNDO THAT

EXPERIENCE.

>> NO, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IN THERE.

ONTARIO IMPROV, A LOCAL GIG I

DID, ANDAND I'M ON A SHOW WITH

YOU OUT THERE.

THE WHOLE NIGHT HAS GONE BY, YOU

HAVEN'T SMOKED ANYTHING, AND I'M

SITTING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND,

LIKE, I HAVE TO SMOKE WITH YOU

'CAUSE WE'REYOU KNOW, THIS IS

WHAT IT IS.

THIS IS CHEECH AND CHONG

I GOTTA SMOKE WITH YOU.

SO, I'M THINKING YOU DON'T HAVE

ANY WEED, AND YOU JUST UNDOING

YOUR LITTLE, YOU KNOW, YOUR

NECKLACE, AND YOU'RE SITTING

THERE PUTTING THIS GODDAMN THING

TOGETHER WHILE I'M SITTING HERE

TALKING TO YOU, AND THERE'S

AND I'M SMELLING WEED, AND I

DON'T SEE IT NOWHERE.

AND THEN YOU PULL A LITTLE

LIGHTER OUT AND YOUAND YOU

LIGHT THIS LITTLE FUCKING BONE

OR WHATEVER THE HELL THIS WAS.

THIS WAS IT!

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T NOTICE IT WAS

HAPPENING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE.

I'M DISAPPOINTED.

AND THEN YOU PASS THIS LITTLE

FUCKING BONE OVER, AND I'M LIKE,

"AH, THISTHERE WE GET IT.

LIFE COMPLETE.

CIRCLE DONE."

>> THESE ARETHESE ARE

NOT-A-PIPE.

>> NOT-A-PIPE.

>> YEAH, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

TAKE THEM APART, AND YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO, UH, PUT IT HERE AND

LIGHT IT AND SMOKE IT THERE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT-A-PIPE.

>> IT'S NOT ONE.

SO TECHNICALLY, WE DIDN'T DO

>> AND THAT'S NOT A RESIN.

>> AND THAT'S NOT A RESIN.

AND THE COP SAID, "AND I'M NOT A

COP."

>> YEAH.

AND I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO JAIL.

THIS IS NOT JAIL.

>> THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

JAY PHILLIPS!

[cheers and applause]

[bluesy guitar music]

♪ ♪

>> YEAH!

WHAT'S HAPPENING,

SAN BERNARDINO?

[cheering]

DAMN RIGHT.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE

CITIES.

I KNOW THIS IS FOR TELEVISION,

BUT THIS ABSOLUTELY IS ONE OF MY

FAVORITE CITIES, AND I WANT TO

GIVE A SHOUT OUT BEFORE I GET

STARTED TO THE SAN BERNARDINO

POLICE DEPARTMENT FOR FOLLOWING

ME AROUND TODAY WHILE I WAS AT

THE MALL.

[laughter and applause]

APPARENTLY THEY JUST WANTED ME

TO BE SAFE, 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I

TURNED A CORNER THEY WERE

SITTING THERE RIGHT THERE

LOOKING AT MY ASS.

"55-32."

I KNOW THIS IS THE 420 SHOW AND

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING

ABOUT WEED, AND THAT IS NO

PROBLEM WITH ME WHATSOEVER.

I FEEL LIKE IF YOU LIVE IN

CALIFORNIA AND YOU DO NOT SMOKE

WEED, YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR

STATE PROPERLY.

[laughter and cheering]

ONLY PROBLEM IS, UH, IT'S ALMOST

LEGAL TO SMOKE OUT HERE, BUT

IT'S NOT QUITE, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

SO IT'S LIKE A LITTLE

TEETER-TOTTER AREA RIGHT NOW,

ESPECIALLY WITH THE POLICE

DEPARTMENT.

AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I'M A

LITTLE BIT PARANOID OF THEM

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS THINK THEY WANT

SOMETHING.

LIKE, WHEN THE GUY WAS FOLLOWING

ME AROUND TODAY, THE WEED KICKED

IN, IT WAS LIKE, HEY, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO BE HIGH,

IT'S ILLEGAL TO GET HIGH.

RUN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MY RECORD'S CLEAN.

I TRIED IT.

I HAULED ASS OUT OF THERE, AND

HE WAS LIKE, "FREEZE!"

AND I STOPPED, AND HE WAS LIKE,

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

I WAS, "THAT WAY.

SHIT, I AIN'T"

"ARE YOU HIGH?"

"MM-HMM."

"YOU GOT ANY WEED ON YOU?"

"MM-MM."

"STOP SMILING AT ME, GOD DAMN

IT!"

LOOK AT THE WHITE PEOPLE IN THE

ROOM.

"THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN."

TOYOU.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS

JOKE...IS THAT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN

TO YOU.

I USED TO WANT TO BE A ATHLETE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

UH, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS GROWING

UP AND I THOUGHT I COULD STILL

MAKE IT.

NOT THAT I'M NOT ATHLETIC STILL

TO THIS DAY, IT'S JUST THAT I

REALIZED THAT I AM NOT GONNA

MAKE IT DOING THAT SHIT, YOU

UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M A BEAST AT THE YMCA, BUT

THAT IS ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

I WAS PRETTY GOOD AT TRACK BUT,

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED THERE'S NO

REAL BIG PAYOFF TO TRACK.

BECAUSE I ONLY REALLY WATCH ONE

EVENT IN THE WHOLE OLYMPICS.

ONE EVENT.

I WATCH THE WORLD'S FASTEST MAN

RACE.

ANYBODY LIKE THAT?

I DON'T WATCH IT, THOUGH, TO SEE

WHO COMES IN FIRST.

I WATCH IT TO SEE WHO COMES IN

LAST, BECAUSE TO ME, THAT IS

FUCKING HILARIOUS, YOU

UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

LAST!

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU THE WORST

PERSON IN THE WORLD AT YOUR JOB

TODAY IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY IN

THE WORLD.

SOME OF Y'ALL STILL DON'T SEE

NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.

LOOK, UM, ANYBODY RIGHT NOW THAT

YOU CAN LOOK AT RIGHT IN THE

FACE RIGHT THIS MINUTE CAN COME

IN LAST PLACE IN THE OLYMPICS

TODAY.

BUT THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY

DOES WAS TRYING.

HE GOT UP EVERY DAY AT

5:00 A.M., HAD A PROTEIN SHAKE,

SOME CREATINE, RAN HIS DUMB ASS

AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A

FLAG ON HIS BACK, AIN'T HAD SEX

IN TEN MONTHS, SHAVED OFF ALL

HIS PUBIC HAIR SO HE COULD FIT

INTO HIS SPEED SUIT, FLEW ALL

THE WAY TO ITALY JUST SO HE

COULD SEE ASSES AND ELBOWS FOR

15.3 SECONDS.

YOU ARE A GODDAMN FAILURE, SIR.

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL

UNDERSTAND JUST HOW DEEP THAT

IS.

THIS IS THE OLYMPICS.

THAT WOULD MAKE THIS DUDE THE

FASTEST PERSON IN THAT PART OF

THE WORLD THAT HE CAME FROM.

HE AIN'T NEVER LOST.

HE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

TO LOSE A RACE.

HE IS 39-0 IN THIS LITTLE

BULLSHIT COUNTRY THAT HE CAME

FROM, YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M

SAYING?

SO, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW

ATHLETES, BUT ATHLETES ARE COCKY

PEOPLE, UH-HUH.

REALLY COCKY PEOPLE.

SO THAT MEANS THAT HE THINKS

HE'S GONNA GODDAMN WIN.

HE'S MAD AT EVERYBODY ELSE FOR

NOT KNOWING WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE

HE'S A SUPERSTAR IN HIS LITTLE

BULLSHIT COUNTRY.

HE'S LIKE, OKAY, NOBODY'S GONNA

TALK TO ME OR NOTHING, HUH?

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL WATCH WHAT

HAPPENS.

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT.

HE'S WARMING HIMSELF UP.

LET'S DO THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

NOW, IF ANYBODY'S RUN TRACK

BEFORE, YOU KNOW I'M TELLING THE

TRUTH.

WHEN YOU SPRINT, YOU KEEP YOUR

HEAD DOWN FOR, LIKE, 70% OF THE

RACE AND YOU LIFT YOUR HEAD UP

SLOWLY TOWARDS THE END.

IT HELPS YOU WITH YOUR BALANCE

WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING THROUGH THE

TAPE.

THAT MEANS THAT THE PERSON THAT

IS IN LAST PLACE DOES NOT EVEN

KNOW THAT HE IS IN LAST PLACE.

HE IS STILL RUNNING WITH THE

FULL CONFIDENCE THAT HE IS ABOUT

TO BE 38-0, YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M SAYING?

AND THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE

FINDS OUT IS WORTH TUNING IN TO

THE OLYMPICS.

IT'S A LOVELY SIGHT.

HE'S LIKE, YEAH, WE ABOUT TO GET

IT IN, HERE WE GO.

"RUNNERS, TO YOUR MARK."

OH, SHIT. [laughs]

HERE WE GO.

"GET SET."

[imitates starting gun firing]

[laughter and applause]

AIN'T NOBODY WAITING ON THIS

DUDE WITH NO TOWEL, NO WATER.

THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF THE

REST OF HIS LIFE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT, DO

YOU?

HE GOT TO GO BACK HOME.

AIN'T NOBODY PROUD OF THIS DUDE.

NOBODY!

NOT EVEN HIS MOM.

SHE GOTTA GO BACK TO WORK MONDAY

AND EXPLAIN THIS SHIT.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO BOB THIS

WEEKEND?"

"FUCK YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!

MY BABY TRIED!"

AIN'T NO PARADE WHEN YOU GET OFF

THE PLANE.

AIN'T NONE OF THIS GOOFY SHIT.

DON'T NOBODY GIVE A DAMN THAT

YOU'RE COMING BACK.

YOU GOTTA GIVE YOUR ADIDAS BAG

BACK BEFORE YOU GET ON THE

PLANE.

GOTTA GO BACK AND JOIN THE

COMMUNITY.

YEP.

YOU GOTTA GET A REGULAR JOB,

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO

EXPERIENCE DOING NOTHING ELSE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE THE FASTEST

DUDE WORKING AT TARGET.

IN THERE TRYING TO OVERACHIEVE.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR? SIR?"

YEAH?

"DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE

BATTERIES?"

LIKE, YES I DO.

THEY'RE IN THE BACK.

BE RIGHT BACK.

[grunts]

[groaning]

[panting]

YEAH! [laughs]

THAT WAS PRETTY FAST, WASN'T IT?

LIKE, "YEAH, IT WAS, BUT...

NEVER MIND.

THIS LITTLE JAMAICAN DUDE

ALREADY BROUGHT IT FOR ME.

I APPRECIATE THAT, THOUGH."

HEY, Y'ALL, I'M JAY PHILLIPS.

I'LL HOLLER AT YOU NEXT TIME.

ONE LOVE.

[cheers and applause]

>> ♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

>> I WAS DOINGTHE FIRST TIME I

TOURED AUSTRALIA, I WENT TO ALL

THESE TOWNS AND I GOT TO THE

FINAL TOWN, WHICH WAS ADELAIDE.

THEY HAD ME DOING FOUR NIGHTS.

SO THE FIRST NIGHT I DID THE

SHOW, AND IT WAS GOOD.

THE SECOND NIGHT I DID THE SHOW,

THE SAME AUDIENCE WAS THERE...

FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SO I DID, YOU KNOW, LIKE A WHOLE

NOTHER, LIKE, HOUR-LONG SHOW FOR

THEM WITH DIFFERENT MATERIAL.

THIRD NIGHT...

>> SAME PEOPLE.

>> SAME PEOPLE, AND I'M LIKE,

"I'M OUT! I'M OUT."

[laughter]

SO I REMEMBERED THISTHIS DUDE

HAS AHAS POT COOKIES, AND I

SAID, "I'M OUT OF MATERIAL.

I NEED THAT COOKIE."

HOPEFULLY THAT'S GONNA GIVE ME A

SHOW.

AND HE GOES, "UGH, DON'T YOU

DARE TELL THEM I GAVE THIS TO

YOU."

SO I EAT IT, AND HE EATS IT WITH

ME, AND THE TWO OF US START

GIGGLING SO LOUDWE'RE IN THE

AUDIENCE WATCHING THE SHOWTHAT

THEY HAD TO TELL US TO BE QUIET.

>> WOW.

>> SO THEN I GO ONSTAGE.

I ENDED UP DOING ABOUT

2 1/2 HOURS ONSTAGE.

>> WOW.

>> AND JUST DIDN'T STOP, AND

JUST WENT, AND AFTER THE SHOW I

WENT UP TO THE PROMOTER AND I

SAID, "UH, THAT WENT PRETTY

WELL, RIGHT?"

AND HE GOES, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU TALKED ABOUT THE MACH3 RAZOR

FOR ABOUT AN HOUR."

[laughter]

AND I SAID, "BUT IT WAS FUNNY,

RIGHT?"

HE GOES, "WE DON'T HAVE THE

MACH3 RAZOR HERE."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

>> OUR NEXT ACT IS A BIG, BIG

FAVORITE IN AUSTRALIA.

GIVE IT UP TO A MAN WHO'S BEEN

DOWN UNDER, EDDIE IFFT!

[cheers and applause]

[bluesy guitar music]

♪ ♪

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

KEEP IT GOING FOR ME, EVERYBODY.

COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR ME.

YEAH, YEAH.

I'M INSECURE, I LIKE THE

CLAPPING.

COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR ME,

LAST COMIC OF THE NIGHT.

I LOVEI LOVE IT.

I LOVEI LOVE WHEN PEOPLE CLAP

FOR ME.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHY I BECAME

A COMEDIAN 'CAUSE I GET TO COME

TO WORK EVERY DAY AND PEOPLE

CLAP FOR ME.

AND THAT'S THE BEST PART OF

BEING A COMEDIAN, WHEN PEOPLE

CLAP FOR ME.

THIS IS THE WORST PART:

WHEN YOU'RE SITTING AND STARING

AT ME LIKE, "YOU BETTER GET

FUNNY QUICK, FUCKER."

THAT'S THE HARD PART.

THAT'S WHY I DRINK A LOT.

YEAH, I DRINK A TREMENDOUS

AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL.

IT MAKES THIS MUCH EASIER WHEN

PEOPLE JUST STARE AT YOU.

YOU JUST DRINK AND YOU DRINK,

AND THEN THEY STARE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, I DON'T GIVE

A FUCK.

AND THAT'S WHAT I DO.

AND I DRINK, BUT I QUIT

DRINKING FOR A WHILE.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER

DONE THIS.

DON'T DO IT.

IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE TO

QUIT DRINKING, DON'T DO IT.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU QUIT, EVERYBODY

WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU QUIT.

NOBODY EVER WANTED TO KNOW WHY

I DRANK.

AS SOON AS I QUIT, THEY ALL

ASSUMED I HAD A PROBLEM.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

I JUST QUIT.

AND I GOT SICK OF THEIR

QUESTIONS, SO I CAME UP WITH

AN ANSWER NOBODY WOULD EVER ASK

A QUESTION EVER AGAIN.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHY'D YOU

QUIT DRINKING?"

I'M LIKE, AH, I USED TO GET

HAMMERED AND FUCK KIDS.

IF YOU NEED A BABYSITTER, I'M

AVAILABLE ANYTIME.

JUST LOCK UP THE LIQUOR CABINET

OR SHIT GETS CRAZY.

I QUIT SMOKING WEED TOO.

I'M SORRY TO SAY THAT TO YOU

PEOPLE.

>> AWW.

>> YEAH, I QUIT

[scattered booing]

RELAX.

I ONLY EAT IT NOW, AND

BECAUSE I ATE A POT BROWNIE

YEAH, I ATE A POT BROWNIE THAT

OPENED DOORS THAT HAVEN'T

CLOSED.

I-I DON'T KNOWYEAH.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SMOKE WEED,

YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW HIGH YOU

GET.

YOU TAKE A HIT, YOU'RE LIKE,

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

[stammers] I'MI'M FEELING

GOOD.

I CAN DO ANOTHER.

OOH, OOH, THAT'S GOOD.

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, I'M GONNA

HAVE ONE MORE.

I'M GONNA HAVE ONE MORE.

OOH, PERFECT.

I CAN WATCH THE MOVIE.

WHEN YOU EAT IT, YOU EAT IT, AND

THEN YOU'RE LIKEAN HOUR LATER

YOU'RE LIKE, I DON'T FEEL SHIT.

GIVE ME ANOTHER.

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "NO, YOU

DON'T WANT TO DO THAT."

YOU'RE LIKE, YO, I DON'T FEEL

SHIT, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO,

YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT."

AND I'M LIKE, NO, I'M FUCKING

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

GIVE ME THAT FUCKING POT COOKIE

RIGHT NOW.

AND THEN YOU EAT IT, AND THE

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE

STANDING ON THE TOP OF A VAN

NAKED SURFING DOWN THE STREET

LIKE TEEN WOLF, QUESTIONING THE

ORIGINS OF THE UNIVERSE AND

LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR SCROTUM

GOING, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE

A SNAIL?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHY AM I NAKED ON TOP OF A VAN?

MAREANASAFE, YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT SAFE?

EVERY DRUG THAT'S ADVERTISED

ON TV.

LUNESTAHAVE YOU SEEN THE

COMMERCIAL?

IT'S A SLEEP AID.

YEAH, THE COMMERCIAL'S

30 SECONDS LONG, AND THE FIRST

5 SECONDS, THEY TELL YOU WHAT

LUNESTA WILL DO.

IT HELPS YOU SLEEP.

AND THEN THE OTHER 25 SECONDS,

THEY TELL YOU THE SIDE EFFECTS,

WHICH START OUT EASY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, DIZZINESS,

HEADACHE, DRY MOUTH."

AND THEN IT STARTS GETTING

HARDCORE.

THEY START TALKING ABOUT SHIT

LIKE ANXIETY, AMNESIA,

HALLUCINATIONS, AND THEN THEY

KEEP GOING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "IN MEN, YOU MIGHT

GROW BREASTS AND LACTATE."

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

DID YOU JUST SAY I MIGHT GROW

TITTIES AND THEY'RE GONNA BE

ABLE TO NOURISH A CHILD?

I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO SQUIRT MILK

OUT OF MY BREAST?

THAT'S NOT A SIDE EFFECT.

YOU'RE MAKING ME INTO A FUCKING

FREAK SHOW.

THIS IS APPROVED BY THE

GOVERNMENT?

I'M ALLOWED TO

[imitates squirting]

I HAVEI HAVE FRIENDS THAT HAVE

DONE CRYSTAL METH.

THEY'VE JUST LOST TEETH.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'STHEY'RE LIKE, "AH, YEAH.

IT'S FUCKING WEIRD, MAN.

YOU GET ALL TWITCHY, AND THEN

YOUR FUCKING TEETH FALL OUT."

NO! BUT YOU DIDN'T SQUIRT MILK

OUT OF YOUR TIT, DID YOU?

NO, NO.

FUCK THAT.

AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT:

"IN SOME CASES, DEATH."

DEATH IS NOT A SIDE EFFECT.

DEATH IS THE FINAL FUCKING

RESULT.

THAT IS THE END RESULT.

THAT SHOULD BE THE COMMERCIAL.

"WE'LL HELP YOU SLEEP SO WELL,

YOU MIGHT SLEEP FOREVER."

[cheers and applause]

AND LOOK, I'M ALL FOR SMOKING

WEED.

I THINK IT'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THE FUCKINGYEAH.

BUT WHEN YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH AND

YOU GO FUCKING CRAZY

I LIVE IN VENICE BEACH.

[scattered cheers]

AND YEAH.

AND WE GOT PEOPLE, IF YOU BEEN

DON'T CLAP FOR IT.

IT'S FUCKING TERRIBLE.

IT'S AWFUL.

YEAH, THERE'S SO MANY HOMELESS

PEOPLE IN VENICE, AND THEY'RE

NOT LIKE THE GOOD HOMELESS.

THE GOOD HOMELESS THAT LOST

THEIR JOB, THAT LOST THEIR

HOUSE, THAT HAVE BEEN DOWN ON

THEIR LUCK.

THEY JUST HAD BAD LUCK.

THESE ARE LIKE THE PEOPLE THAT

FOLLOWED THE GRATEFUL DEAD IN

HIGH SCHOOL.

AND THEY'RE STILL FOLLOWING

THEM.

AND THEY FOLLOWED THEM ALL THE

WAY TO MY BACKYARD WHERE THEY

SET UP A TEPEE AND TAKE DUMPS

ON MY LAWN.

YEAH, THESE AREN'T THE GOOD

HOMELESS, NO.

THE HOMELESSTHE OTHER DAY, I

HAD TO CALL 911 'CAUSE TWO

HOMELESS WOMEN WERE FIGHTING.

ONE WOMAN PUNCHED A WOMAN IN

THE FACE, THREW HER DOWN A

FLIGHT OF STEPS, THEN SHE WAS

KICKING HER IN THE STOMACH.

AND I CALLED 911 'CAUSE THEY

WOKE ME UP.

AND THE DISPATCHER GOES, "WHAT'S

YOUR EMERGENCY?"

AND I GO, "I'M NOT SURE IF THIS

IS AN EMERGENCY."

SHE GOES, "WELL, WHAT'S GOING

ON?"

I GO, "WELL, ONE WOMAN PUNCHED

A WOMAN IN THE FACE.

SHE THREW HER DOWN A FLIGHT

OF STEPS.

NOW SHE'S KICKING HER IN THE

STOMACH."

AND SHE GOES, "AND WHY ISN'T

THIS AN EMERGENCY?"

AND I GO, "'CAUSE THEY'RE

HOMELESS."

AND THE DISPATCHER GOES, "DID

YOU JUST FUCKING SAY THAT?"

AND I REALIZED HOW BADLY IT

SOUNDED AND I MADE IT WORSE.

I GO, "FOR YOU AND I, IT'S AN

EMERGENCY.

FOR THEM, IT'S LIKE A TUESDAY."

THEY'RE HOMELESS.

THEY'VE GOT A HIGH THRESHOLD FOR

PAIN.

OH, I'M TELLING YOU.

LIKE, PEOPLE CALL THEM LAZY.

I'M LIKE, THEY'RE THE HARDEST

WORKING PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN.

YEAH, THIS GIRL WAS TELLING ME

SHE WAS LIKE, "I-I-I"

SHE ALWAYS HAS TO USE THE

PURELL.

SHE'S LIKE, "I USE PURELL

CONSTANTLY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE

BACTERIA, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE

THE CHANCE OF GETTING SICK."

AND I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THE BIG

DEAL?

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THERE'S

GERMS EVERYWHERE AND I CAN GET

SICK, AND I'LL MISS A DAY OF

WORK."

I GOT A WOMAN I CALL CHILL-LINER

THAT LIVES IN THE DUMPSTER

BEHIND MY HOUSE.

AND I CALL HER CHILL-LINER

'CAUSE SHE WEARS A FLOODLIGHT ON

HER HEAD WHILE SHE DIVES THROUGH

DUMPSTERS ALL NIGHT LONG LOOKING

FOR CANS AND BOTTLES.

THIS WOMAN HASN'T MISSED ONE DAY

OF WORK IN FIVE FUCKING YEARS.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S USING PURELL

UNLESS SHE'S BATHING IN IT AND

SWIMMING IN IT ON A REGULAR

BASIS.

YOU'RE GONNA MISS A DAY OF WORK?

THIS WOMAN HAS THE IMMUNE SYSTEM

OF A COCKROACH.

THERE'S GONNA BE A NUCLEAR

HOLOCAUST.

YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE DEAD.

CHILL-LINER'S GONNA BE SWIMMING

IN YOUR SWIMMING POOLS, AND

FUCKING TAKING JACUZZIS AND

EATING ALL YOUR FOOD BECAUSE

SHE'S GONNA BE ALIVE 'CAUSE

SHE'S GOT THAT IMMUNE SYSTEM.

[cheers and applause]

I'LL[laughs]

I'LLI'LL LEAVE YOUI'LL

LEAVE YOU WITH ONE STORY, AND

THEN I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S A TRUE STORY.

YEAH, I WAS HAVING SEX WITH A

GIRL FOR THIS JOKE.

AND, UHYEAH.

AND IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS,

SHE CRIED LIKE THEY ALL DO,

IF YOU CHOKE 'EM WELL ENOUGH.

AND, UH

YEAH.

CHOKING'S THE NEW ANAL.

YOU GOTTA GET INTO IT.

AND, UH, SONO.

SO THIS GIRL, AFTER SEX, SHE

CRIES, AND THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THAT'S NOT GOOD AFTER SEX WHEN

A GIRL CRIES.

AND THEN SHE GOES, "I HAVE

SOMETHING TO TELL YOU."

THAT'S NEVER GOOD.

THAT'S NEVER FOLLOWED BY

SOMETHING LIKE, "I HAVE THE BEST

SCORE ONANGRY BIRDSEVER."

SHE GOES, "I HAVE SOMETHING

TO TELL YOU."

I'M LIKE, WELL, YOU BETTER

FUCKING TELL ME.

SHE GOES, "I HAVE...

CANCER."

AND I WAS LIKE, WHOO!

WELL, THAT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS.

HOLY SHIT, YOU SCARED ME!

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S A "YOU"

PROBLEM, NOT A "WE" PROBLEM.

DON'T EVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN.

YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART

ATTACK, YOU SELFISH BITCH.

THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL.

[cheers and applause]

[Totally Bakedby Mark Cohen]

♪ ♪

>> TOMMY CHONG!

>> ♪ WHEN I WAKE UP ♪

♪ I'M LYING IN BED ♪

♪ I TWIST UP A FAT ONE ♪

♪ TO FUCK UP MY HEAD ♪

♪ TO GET BAKED ♪

>> YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD TIME

TONIGHT?

>> ♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

>> THANK YOU.

TOMMY CHONG, 420!

>> ♪ SOMETIMES IT'S BROWN ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S GREEN ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S GOLD ♪

♪ WITH RED HAIRS IN BETWEEN ♪

♪ WHEN I'M BAKED ♪

♪ TOTALLY BAKED ♪

>> 'CAUSE WHEN YOU SMOKE IT,

YOU'RE USED TO, LIKE, BEING

THERE FOR LIKE, 20 MINUTES, AND

THEN IT'S GONE, BUT WHEN YOU

EAT IT, IT'S LIKE...

>> YEAH, I'M GONNA SIT HERE.

>> FOR FIVE, SIX HOURS, AND

YOU'RE, LIKE, PARANOID FOR THAT

TIME.

WHEN'S IT GONNA END?

>> YEAH, I ASKED, "HOW LONG IS

THIS GONNA LAST?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, COULD BE

EIGHT HOURS."

>> YEAH, SIT BACK, RELAX.

[laughs]

>> I'M, LIKE, ALL RIGHT,

SET MY TIMER.

>> MY BUDDY

I BUY THESE COOKIESTHE ONE I

GAVE YOU.

I CALL 'EM HISI CALL THEM THE

SARKIN SUNDAY COOKIES 'CAUSE NO

MATTER WHAT DAY YOU EAT THEM,

IT'S SUNDAY 'CAUSE YOU'RE

NOT GONNA DO SHIT.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT ON YOUR

COUCH, YOU'RE GONNA WATCH GOLF

AND EAT COMFORT FOOD.

>> GOLF?

>> GOLF.

>> THERE IT IS.

>> THAT'S THE GREAT POT SPORT.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOUNG KIDS...

>> THAT'S WHAT GOT ME SMOKING.

>> RIP GOLF APART.

GOLF IS THE STONER'S SPORT.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> YOU CAN SMOKE ALL BUT

98 SECONDS OF THE WHOLE THING.

YOU GET YOUR OWN LITTLE CAR.

>> MM-HMM.

>> YOU'RE OUTSIDE.

>> YEAH.

>> AND THERE'S A SNACK SHOP

EVERY TWO HOURS.

>> AND YOU HIT BALLS AND YOU

DON'T CARE IF YOU LOSE 'EM.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> NO.

>> AND IT'S FUN.

>> I WASTED PROBABLY ABOUT

14 BALLS YESTERDAY.

>> SOMETIMES ON, LIKE, 14TH

HOLE, I'LL JUST CRAWL UNDER A

TREE, TAKE A NAP.

[laughter]

>> YEAH, I GOT A NEW WAY OF

COUNTING, THE STONER WAY, YOU

KNOW?

THE MORE STROKES IS THE WINNER.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> BECAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU GET MORE PRACTICE IN.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW, AND

>> THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> YOU'RE ON THE GREEN LONGER.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT WOULD BE GREAT IS IF

THEY HAD GOLF THAT WAS, LIKE,

ALL ON A POT FARM.

>> I THOUGHT OF DOING A CHEECH

AND CHONG GOLF COURSE, YOU KNOW,

WITHINSTEAD OF THE SHRUBBERY,

IT'D BEIT'D BE POT PLANTS.

>> YEAH.

>> I'D NEVER BE IN THE FAIRWAY.

>> YEAH.

>> NO, NO.

AWW, I SHANKED IT AGAIN!

I SHOULDN'T HAVE AIMED THAT WAY.

>> YOU'D HAVE TO OPEN THIS IN

JAMAICA.

>> IT'D HAVE TO BE LIKE A

MINIATURE GOLF.

INSTEAD OF THE WINDMILLS, LIKE,

A BONG.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

AND YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE,

24-HOUR SECURITY.

>> THAT'D BE COOL.

>> HAVE TO HAVE GORILLAS.

>> IT'LL PROBABLY COST $10,000

A ROUND.

>> THAT'S FINE. I'D PAY THAT.

[laughter]

>> ♪ ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ EVEN MY DEALER ♪

♪ SAYS I SHOULD SLOW DOWN ♪

♪ I'M TOO BAKED ♪

♪ I'M TOTALLY BAKED ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS BAKED ♪

Tommy Chong now available

at lolflix.