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(duck quacking)

(cash register rings)

(quacking)

(cash register rings)

(duck quacking)

(cash register rings)

(quacking)

(cash register rings)

(quacking)

(cash register rings)

(quacking)

(cash register rings)

(quacking)

(quacking)

(cash register rings, coins rattling)

(scoffs)

Albert Dooley, the student voted most likely to succeed

of the class of 1959.

(applause)

You lovely big success, Albert.

Daddy.

Daddy!

Oh, excuse me. Yeah, what is it, son?

Here's a puppy Eddie said he'd give me.

- He's a cute one. - For only $50.

Fifty dollars?

- He has his own pedigree. - He oughta have his own car.

I already picked out a name for him... Charlie.

Good, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine, but that's...

I mean, $50, you know, it's...

Well, there are licences and vets and shots and...

Think of all the food!

I'd share my food with him.

No, Jimmy. Small boys need all the nourishment they can get.

You're not a small boy. You could share your food.

Maybe next year, okay, Jim?

I'll get a job. Rent my room, I'll sleep in the garage with Charlie. Please.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I thought you and I were pals.

Hey, we are pals, pal, but...

Where am I gonna get 50 bucks, huh?

I can't even pay these bills.

Here, Eddie. Take him.

Bye, Charlie.

Jimmy.

- (door slams) - Pal?

(♪ pop music on the radio)

"Cinnamon."

A bit of cinnamon.

Where's the cinnamon? I just...

Now, it's cinnamon.

"Mustard."

Huh.

Mustard.

Uh... "curry powder."

And, uh, "garlic."

Garlic?

There must be a simpler way to make apple sauce.

- (Albert) Katie! - Yes, dear?

- (music off) - That was Herman and the Purple Cows.

We have to have another talk about economising.

Okay. First guess what I'm cooking. Three guesses.

- Later, okay? - Try, um, plum pudding.

- Plum pudding. - Wrong.

Try apple sauce.

Katie, we have to economise.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm making home-made apple sauce with apples off our tree.

- That's fine. - Taste it.

Tell me if you think it's too, uh,

too ingredient.

That's good.

It's really... It's really good.

You think you should've peeled the apples first?

Oh, no, see, that's where all your vitamins are.

In the seeds too?

Albert, you should know. You're the scientist.

Katie.

Now, there must be someplace...

that we can cut down.

- This bill from the dress shop... - I know where we can cut down.

- Where? - Your lunch money.

What?

It makes no sense spending money...

when you have a wife who could pack you a nice lunch.

Darling, that's too much bother for you to go to every morning.

- To get up... - Oh, pooh. What is a wife for?

It's just a part of our marriage vows.

To love and obey, till death do us in.

(chuckling)

Thank you, darling.

(clicks tongue)

Don't tip your lunch. The apple sauce is on top.

Bye, sweetie.

Daddy, Eddie says this is my last chance.

- Your last chance for what, pal? - For Charlie.

- Who? - The puppy.

Don't bother your father with that now. He's got little enough on his mind as it is.

Mr. Hooper next door, he has a dog.

He can afford to feed it. It's a big one.

Mr. Hooper works for the US Treasury, and they have our money.

He could afford a giraffe.

- Finley! - Giraffe!

- (engine revs, backfires) - Goodbye, pal.

(coughing)

Oh, dear.

I wish this fool professor made enough money so I could investigate him.

(horn honking)

Mornin', Fred.

(tyres screech)

- Why not drop a bomb on us, Arvin? - It'd be quicker.

Don't blame us. It was you old cats who invented the internal combustion engine.

Peace.

(tyres screech)

You're a lawyer. Do something about those Wadlow boys.

- Something legal, preferably. - Did you say "legal" or "lethal"?

Either way, I'll take the case. I'll take any case.

- I need some rent money. - You too, huh?

Sometimes I wish I'd been born rich instead of brilliant.

Mornin'.

- (chicken clucking) - Morning, group.

Velma. Are you awake and ready?

- (pig oinking) - Arnold, wake up, wake up.

You two behave yourselves today. Clyde.

You ready for a big day? Very good.

Mr. Duck.

(quacks)

- Are you gonna shape up today? - (quacking)

Hmm? For me? Please?

- (quacks twice) - Good.

If you flunk any more of those tests, you're gonna be a gone goose.

(whimpering)

Another dropout performance like yesterday,

you'll have Dr. Gottlieb climbing the walls.

He takes a dim view of any duck...

that doesn't know a yellow button from a red one.

(quacking)

(screeching)

Be quiet. What's the matter?

Good. You're eating the apple sauce.

You like it?

I knew you were weird, but that's ridiculous.

You must have got your share too, huh?

- I'll get you a bicarb of soda. - (man) Dooley!

- Professor Dooley. - Dr. Gottlieb.

- What are you doing? - I'm ready.

You realise how far back you're putting the schedule?

- I'm sorry. - What's the matter with the chimp?

Uh... he's nervous.

- Nervous? - About the tests, sir. (chuckling)

(fake laughing) Well, get on with it.

- No duck! - What?

- No duck. - But the schedule calls...

- Revise it. - Sir, I feel if we test him...

Do you know what the data is on the learning potential test for that...?

- Minus 11. - It might be a slow learner.

- Slow? - Yes, sir.

This duck could shed new light on the rates of learning for various animals.

All right. But it's his last chance!

Thank you, sir.

- Last! - (door slams)

I understand. You hear that, chum?

You gotta shape up or...

You got apple sauce all over your face. Come here.

- (clucking) - Took him ten seconds last time.

Let's see if he'll do better.

- (clucking) - Excellent.

Well, Mr. Pig, what are you gonna show us today?

Beautiful! Ho-ho-ho!

- Superb. - Superb.

No, Dooley. That duck couldn't begin to handle these tests.

Over here.

- (quacking) - This is the simplest device we've got.

The duck had 49 hours of practice on this one, so it's time we see results.

(Albert) Okay, duck, go for the yellow button, the centre. The yellow button.

He's got it now. He's got it now.

- (bell rings) - Get that stupid duck out of here!

Wait a minute. Just one more time. Just one more time.

For what? He's useless, completely unresponsive.

All right, fella, once more. Yellow button, centre.

- Centre, yellow button. - You don't give up.

- There he goes for the red button again. - No, he's got it now.

- (buzzing) - (dog barking on tape)

- (barking continues) - (quacking)

- At least he's reacting. - Oh, no!

(quacking)

- All right, get that misfit out of here. - Dr. Gottlieb!

You have to admit that's an interesting reaction.

- This duck is a fascinating creature. - (quacking)

What have we got here? Gamma rays on what?

Testing some new high-resistant silicone oils.

- Phenyl type? - Yeah.

What is the integrated threshold neutron flux?

- (duck quacks) - What do you mean by that?

- By what? - Well, you said, "Quack."

Hey, I didn't say quack.

(quacking)

- Holy cow! - (quacking continues)

Oh, Professor. Is this one of your creatures?

- How did she get in there? - You tell me.

You almost had fried duck.

Well... is she okay?

Oh, sure, no harm. Just got a little jolt.

But would you please keep your friends out of our department?

Yeah, okay.

Boy, you really blew it today.

Only thing to do now is find you a home for retired dropouts.

A duck?

Yeah, that's what it is. A duck.

(quacking)

But I want a puppy. I don't want a dumb old duck.

I didn't bring it home for a pet.

Then why'd you bring it?

It was that or let the janitor's wife fricassee it.

- It was a washout at the lab. - Wouldn't a puppy be as cheap to feed?

- We're not gonna keep it. - He really had his heart set on a puppy.

Katie, now, we've been through all of that.

I'm just trying to find a home for this poor, stupid duck.

Maybe that farmer would take it, the one that sells us those vegetables I can't afford.

- You mean Mr. Gilby? - Yeah, I guess so.

(gasps) Oh, no, see, dear, you're mixed up.

Mr. Gilby is the bakery truck man.

- Mr. Purdham is the vegetable man. - Well, Purdham. Okay.

Give it to him. It'll have a good home on his farm.

- Probably eat better than we do. - Hey, daddy!

I think he likes me. Watch how he follows me.

- Come on. Come on. Come on. - (quacking)

How would you like a real great name?

Charlie. You like that, Charlie?

Maybe I can teach him some tricks.

Him? Good luck.

Uh, Albert?

Hmm?

Uh, I was just thinking.

Good for you.

Yeah, uh, instead of giving that dumb old duck to Mr. Purdham,

uh, maybe Jimmy could trade it in on a puppy.

- Katie, we settled all that. - Yeah, I know.

I mean, it wouldn't cost you anything, and it might help, uh...

Never mind. I shouldn't even mention it.

- Mention what? - Oh, nothing.

I'm sure you'll solve it.

Okay, Katie. Solve what?

The generation gap you're creating between Jimmy over this puppy thing.

Katie!

Aw, come on, Katie.

Honey, you know Jimmy and I have a very good, close relationship.

Of course you do, Albert.

That's why I didn't even mention it.

(Jimmy) Daddy, daddy, help!

Help!

- (quacking) - Daddy, help!

- He's gonna kill Charlie! - What?

Gotcha! Ha! (muttering) Get outta here!

- Leave that duck alone. - Get out of my yard, Dooley!

- That's our duck. - Well, get him out of my pool.

Get your hands off my skimmer!

- Charlie! - Jimmy, be careful.

I got you now, you duck-billed intruder!

Get your hands off of my skimmer.

Attaboy, Charlie!

(Katie) Albert!

Get that bird off my slide!

- Stop that dog! - (Jimmy) Go, Charlie, go!

Bite him in the tail feathers. Don't let him get away from you.

- (quacks) - (Albert) Come here, duck.

- If that dog lays a tooth on that duck... - (barking)

- (quacking) - (Albert) Take your skimmer...

- Hooper, let go! - You're gonna drown him!

Come here, duck!

I'll report you to the SPCIA.

- Call your dog, Hooper! - (dog whimpers)

Get this duck out of the pool. He's contaminating it.

Oh, oh, ohh!

Get your dirty shoes out of my pool!

Why, you hit my husband!

Aah!

Ohh!

Come here, Jimmy. Take the duck.

Hurry. Now hold on.

- Climb up the stairs. - Come on! Albert, hurry.

- Come on! - Go on! Go on!

Hurry before the dog gets out.

Oh, sic 'em, sic 'em!

Go! Give 'em a good one.

Go get 'em, Duke. Sic 'em!

(barking)

Finley!

What are you doing in there with your clothes on?

Can't leave you alone for a minute.

(angry grumbling)

Look, daddy. Charlie laid an egg!

(gasps)

Why, Charlie, you're a mama!

(quacking)

Twins!

(quacking)

Four eggs. Isn't that something?

I don't see how she laid any eggs with that beast barking at her.

It was that beast that caused her to do it.

Now, Albert, they hardly know each other.

- (quacking) - No, I mean that...

I know what you mean. Don't discuss it in front of our S-O-N.

We learned that stuff in school anyway.

No, no, no, no. No. It's a conditioned reflex, you see?

When the dog barks, the duck lays an egg. It happened once at the lab.

That's not the way my mother explained it to me.

Anyway, the important thing is...

the money we're gonna save growing our eggs.

We're not eating those eggs.

I mean, this duck, it's strange.

Ohh.

- (quacking) - Oh, no, not that.

It's an aberration, a biological mutation.

It is?

Yeah. I mean, that's a chemically mixed-up duck.

It's even been radiated and...

We're not eating those eggs.

Good. Then we'll hatch 'em.

Albert? Is that all right? I mean, hatching them?

Oh, no. No, of course not. They probably wouldn't hatch anyway.

Only thing to do is bury 'em, which I'll do after Jimmy goes to sleep.

(inhales, exhales)

Albert? What the devil are you doing?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Digging a hole at midnight

in your pyjamas

is nothing?

You know, I'm digging, digging.

- For what? - Night crawlers.

They certainly lay big eggs.

- Oh! - Go to bed, Albert.

You're a nut.

Uh-huh.

Dooley?

Yes. Yes, Dr. Gottlieb?

- You wanted to see me? - Yes, a research problem.

Oh. Uh, come on, come on.

(sighs) Sit down, sit down.

- Well? - Dr. Gottlieb, is it possible...

In science, anything is possible.

Yes, but could radiation alter the molecular structure of an... uh...

substance from organic to inorganic?

So we're a radiobiologist now, are we, Dooley?

Just a minute.

Yeah.

(clears throat) Try these for starters.

- All I wanted to know... - The answer is yes.

- But what substance? - Like an egg.

- What kind of an egg? - Doesn't...

(sighs, mutters)

Hmm. Chicken, turkey, duck.

- Duck? Please don't mention duck to me. - Sorry.

Anyway, your experiment has been done.

1903.

It was a young medical student

at, uh, the Royal Viennese Hospital.

See, his name was, uh, Schultz or Schmaltz.

Oh, here. Schwartz.

"In, uh, in searching for a chemical background

for radiogenic inflammation from radium,

Gottwald Schwartz exposed an egg to becquerel rays."

"Both the organic and inorganic molecules suffered a change." See?

Yes.

"There was no change in the white of the egg,

No.

but there was conspicuous change in the yolk."

The yolk! That's it! That's it!

I mean, that's... (clears throat) quite interesting.

Didn't, uh... change it into any kind of, uh,

metal, did it?

Metal?

What do you want, Dooley, gold?

Well, you said anything was possible.

Possible, yes.

But... making a golden egg?

That's for Aesop's Fables, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

But gold has been made, uh, synthetically, hasn't it?

Yes, yes, with nuclear bombardment,

but we know what that costs, don't we?

- It doesn't pay. - No.

- (phone ringing) - Excuse me.

Dr. Gottlieb. I'll be right there.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I have to go recheck the IQ of the chimp.

Hundred and forty. Higher than mine.

We've run quite a few tests on that metal of yours.

Darndest thing we ever ran across.

- But is it... - You won't believe this report.

- Well, it's wild. - Then it's not...

Look here, Dooley. The metal contains traces of D-galacturonic acid.

Now, isn't that wild?

You know what that is. That's pectin.

Pectin?

Pectin that's been hydrolysed under intense heat.

Pectin comes from apple peelings.

Apple sauce.

No, it's true. And look, it also has a trace of garlic in it.

I don't wanna hear any more. As long as it's not gold.

It's practically pure gold.

What?

But it has some of the weirdest impurities in it.

One element we can't identify,

not related to any of the 103 basic known chemical elements.

Mr. Dooley, you didn't get hold of a moon rock, did you?

Moon rock? Me? No, no, no, no.

I've never even been out of California.

- Where'd you dig up this gold? - Dig, dig? I didn't dig.

- A placer deposit? - Yes, it was deposited, you might say.

- Thank you very much. - Wait a second.

- You want your report? You paid for it. - Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you. The report. Thank you very much.

So this is an assayer's report. So what?

That's why I need a lawyer, to help me incorporate.

Incorporate what?

Fred, that sample is the yolk of a duck egg.

(snorts) Oh, come on, Albert.

I know how incredible this must sound to your legal mind,

but in 1903 a Viennese scientist...

You ever read Aesop's Fables, the one about the goose?

Should you be driving in your condition?

I'm telling you, Fred, that fable may be scientifically feasible.

- Pull over, Albert. I'll drive. - Okay, sceptic.

I'm gonna show you one of those gold eggs actually being laid.

- Watch out, Albert! - (tyres screech)

You crazy, ding-a-ling driver, Orlo!

Orlo? I'm not even in the car. That's Arvin. Bigot!

Now, you just lie there and relax, Finley.

Forget all about that nasty, old treasury office.

Thank you, dear. You're a good person.

(chuckles, groans)

- (engine backfiring) - (glass breaks)

Come on, Fred.

Aah! Ugh!

I'll get the duck, make Hooper's dog bark at it, and you'll see.

Would you please go upstairs and talk to Jimmy?

Not now. I've got news. Our financial worries are over.

Jimmy's broken-hearted because I was....

You're not listening. We're gonna be rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Oh, I always knew you'd make good,

even when Papa kept saying, "Don't marry that no-good, lazy..."

It's nothing I did. It's Charlie.

Remember those eggs I was gonna bury?

Brace yourself. They're gold.

Well, don't look that way. I'm not kidding you.

- It's true. - Oh, Albert, I believe you.

- What's the matter? - I gave the duck to Mr. Purdham.

- (babbling) - Albert, you told me to!

(babbling)

I was sorry I did. Jimmy's been crying.

No, no, no!

Ugh! Where does Purdham live?

- I'm not sure. - Think, think, think, think, think! Think!

Oh, I'm trying. Ah, oh, ah.

- Where does Purdham live? - Try the cookie jar.

- The cookie jar. - Where I keep my addresses.

Oh! We've gotta find that duck...

before anything happens to it.

"Chicken chow mein."

But I... Oh. Oh.

Purdham! Purdham!

Oak Road. Come on!

Get in the car, Fred!

- (glass shatters) - (Jimmy) Daddy, wait!

(tyres screech)

Well, look, I'll, uh, guess I could...

give you five dollars for it.

Well, I... I know I never turn down a good deal.

You'll find the duck in the pen back of the barn yonder.

Thanks.

Hello, Mr. Purdham.

(quacking)

Oh, no! There's gotta be a million of 'em!

(all quacking)

(Jimmy) Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie! Where are you, Charlie?

Charlie!

This duck doesn't respond to normal things, like its name.

- (Jimmy) Charlie! Charlie! - (Katie) Charlie.

- You know what we need? - A good psychiatrist.

No. We need something it does respond to.

- (Katie) Oh, Charlie. - Start barking, Fred.

It's our only chance, Fred. Bark!

- (barking) - Charlie!

- (both barking) - Oh, Charlie! Charlie!

Wait a minute. What am I doing?

A sane adult with a law degree crawling around a barnyard, barking at fowls,

trying to find a duck who lays solid gold...

Solid gold eggs!

(resumes barking)

I'll never see Charlie again.

Come on now. We're not gonna give up till we're licked.

We'll find him. Charlie?

- Charlie! - (barking continues)

Charlie. Come on, boy.

Charlie!

Charlie.

Hey, where are you goin'?

Hey, they're gettin' away from us!

Come on, Fred!

Whoa, whoa! Come back, come back!

Whoa, get out, get out! Whoa, whoa! Get back there.

Go back, ducks.

- They're in the pond. - Head 'em off!

Back, you ducks! Get back, ducks. Get back.

Get them out of the water. Shove them back onto the shore.

Here, here. What's goin' on?

You said only one duck.

But something happened to the gate.

Get these critters back in the pen.

- (Katie) Get back! - (Albert) Back, back.

- (barking) - Back, back!

- (quacking) - (barking, yelling continue)

(quacking)

Charlie!

Charlie! Oh, Charlie!

Daddy! Dad!

I found him! I found Charlie!

Hey. Hey, wait. Come back!

Help me.

- I knew I'd find her. - You sure it's her, son?

I know it is. It's Charlie.

There's one way to find out. Hold her on the ground, Fred.

Ruff, ruff, ruff-ruff.

Maybe only Hooper's dog can do it.

No reflection on you, dear.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff! Ru-ru-ru-ruff!

Why, Albert, you don't sound like Hooper's dog at all.

Uh, he goes more like, "Woof!"

Woof!

Hey, uh, I think she's got it.

Pitch. Pitch. It might be a matter of pitch.

(pitch escalates) Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!

(quacking)

Come on. Yeah, Charlie.

What do you think now, sceptic?

Baby... you're lookin' at a believer.

Figuring its weight in troy ounces,

at the pegged gold price,

that's over 900 bucks a yolk.

- That's right. - And if she laid four eggs in, uh...

- How long did you say? - About ten minutes.

Uh... that would be...

over $20,000 an hour.

And if she worked a six-hour day, uh,

give or take a couple of coffee breaks...

corn breaks... (chuckles)

Al, baby,

we're talkin' about a $100,000-a-day business!

That's right. If I can find the formula to keep her producing.

Oh, you'll do it. You'll do it.

The big problem is: How do we legally protect our fortune?

Our fortune?

Wh-What do you mean, our fortune?

Look, Al, sweetheart,

I'm only trying to save you money.

By making me a partner, you'll save paying me exorbitant lawyer's fees.

- Uh-huh. - I'll have to devote full-time,

incorporating a duck and not have the Internal Revenuers on our neck.

- I got your clothes all nice and dry for you. - Oh, fine.

How did you manage to do this, Katie?

- It was no trouble, really. - Thanks.

Anyway, the thing to do is to sit tight until I figure things out.

And don't tell anybody about this, especially...

- Hooper? - Right.

We don't want that government stool pigeon snooping around.

The first thing I'm gonna do is get rid of that junk I'm driving.

I saw the most fantastic yellow sports car.

Hold it! Don't spend any of that money yet.

- What? - No changes in your living standards.

- You mean, not pay our bills? - Bills, fine.

We can't raise suspicions until we get this legally protected.

Now, let's try and get some sleep, hmm?

Or, uh,

do you think we oughta get the duck and bark out a few more thou?

No, the duck's asleep with Jimmy, and I don't want Jimmy disturbed.

And, Fred, don't forget to bring my robe back.

- That's not part of the deal. - Okay... partner.

(door opens, closes)

Albert? Do you think now we can afford to reshingle our house?

Reshingle our house?

We could reshingle the Pentagon.

We could buy the Pentagon.

Well, what would we do with it?

Katie, I'm only trying to give you an idea of our potential.

We have what other men have only dreamed of.

(sighs) It's kinda scary, isn't it?

You bet it is.

Albert, just how rich will we be?

So rich that we could not possibly spend it all.

- We could try. - Wait a minute.

- I just want to help all I can. - That's fine.

Don't get carried away. We must keep our sense of values.

Aesop's Fable warns us against avarice.

- Against who? - Greed, greed.

Fellow in the fable, he let greed destroy him.

We're gonna play it cool, keep our feet on the ground.

- Albert? - Hmm?

What?

Let's take our cool feet and go to bed.

Okay, honey.

Cute.

You oughta close the window. He might catch cold.

Oh. Oh, right.

Good idea.

Now what?

Some sense of values.

What do you mean?

Boy, he sure was right.

- Who was? - You know.

I do?

Aesop!

Jimmy, your lunch.

Be sure and take good care of Charlie while I'm gone.

Don't worry, I will. Now, run along.

And don't let Mr. Hooper's dog get him either.

Jimmy, hurry up. You're gonna be late for school.

- (quacking) - (phone rings)

Yes. Uh, who?

(quacking)

Oh, uh, the bank.

Well, uh, hi!

Bad cheques? Uh, uh...

Well, you printed them.

Uh... Oh, now,

how could a big bank like you have insufficient funds and stay in business?

No. No, Mrs. Dooley, not us, you.

We've explained that you cannot write cheques

for more money than you have.

You can be arrested for that.

No, please don't do that. Please just don't call Mr. Dooley.

I can get the money somehow. But could you just hold on the phone just a minute?

(dog barking, duck quacking)

Mr. Meaker, I, uh,

I guess you'll just have to call my husband about that...

Oh, wait, wait.

Uh, I'll be right down.

And what is this, Mrs. Dooley?

I'm overdrawn, and that's to un-overdraw me.

Yes, you are overdrawn.

But what is this thing?

Thing?

(whispers) That's gold, worth over 900 troy ounce dollars.

And that's my deposit slip for it.

- You recognise that, don't you? - One moment, please.

(phone rings)

(clears throat)

- Next, please. - This way, please.

Wh-What kind of a bank is this anyway?

Sit down.

Mrs. Dooley, we can hardly take a trinket for a deposit.

Trinket? Haven't you bankers ever heard of gold?

Mrs. Dooley, even if that were gold bullion, there's nothing I can...

Bullion?

Processed gold as distinguished from raw gold.

The only thing we can do with this is turn it over to the Federal Reserve.

That wouldn't do very much for your account, would it?

I should say not. I'll just take it to another bank.

They'll have to do the same thing.

The only possible place you can take that is to a refinery.

Refinery?

- (door opens, closes) - Hi!

Hi, honey.

Where'd you get the hat?

What hat?

Oh, now, Albert, it was on sale.

If you wrote a check for that hat, we're overdrawn again.

No, we're not. I deposited over $900 today.

- Where did you get $900? - From the refinery.

- You haven't been in the eggs? - No, not those. Charlie laid one for me.

Well, why did you take it to the refinery?

The bank told me to.

The bank?

You took it to the... Well, did you tell the newspapers too?

Well, no, Albert, just the bank.

They said if I didn't cover my bad cheques, I was gonna be arrested.

- Would you rather I got arrested? - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, no! - Some husband. He wants his wife in jail.

Didn't you hear Fred say not to tell anybody and not to spend the money?

- But what's the use of having it? - (door closes)

Hi, partners.

- Don't tell him what I did. - What did she do?

- Sold an egg to a refinery. - Good!

That's all we can do. We don't have a licence to handle gold.

- Then get us a license. - Oh, sure.

Can you see going to the US Treasury Department and saying,

"I'd like a gold licence for my duckie who lays gold eggs"?

Couldn't Hooper get it? He works for the US Treasury.

He'd confiscate our duck so fast, it'd singe its feathers off.

- Get all the gold off the premises. - Why?

Federal gold regulations. You could get ten years for hoarding. Read this.

We'll have to think up a good story to tell the refineries.

Why?

You try to peddle gold duck eggs, they'll lock you up in the nut farm.

Well, I did it, and they didn't lock me up.

Yes, but you're...

Wait a minute. You didn't tell them where the gold came from, did you?

- Well, he asked me. - Oh, no.

Now the whole world will be after that duck.

- What did he say when you told him? - He just laughed.

- He laughed? - Uh-huh.

He just... laughed?

(chuckling) Hee-hee-hee!

Do you hear that, Albert? He just laughed!

Don't you see? She solved our whole problem.

She can tell them the truth, they'll never believe it.

They won't lock her up, no matter how nutty it sounds.

- Listen, sweetheart... - Fred, Fred.

I'm not so sure I want my wife...

- What is that, Fred? A new suit? - Ah! Listen, sweetheart.

- Here's a list of refineries. - Don't sell too many eggs at one time.

Fred, what have you... You got a new briefcase too.

It's nothing, Al baby.

Keep moving to different refineries,

otherwise it might look suspicious.

Got it. Uh, listen, could I buy some new clothes to wear for this?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

We mustn't spend the money.

- Mrs. Dooley? - Yes.

This is exceptionally high-grade ore.

- Our cashier is making a cheque for you. - Thank you.

These, um... These nuggets are very interesting.

- Identical size and shape. - Yes, I noticed that.

I was curious as how they got that way.

Would you believe a duck laid them?

A... A duck laid 'em?

Oh...

- Wh-What kind of duck was that? - A white one.

A white one. Little white duck. (laughing)

- Oh, thank you. There you are. - Thank you.

Mrs. Dooley, listen. About these nuggets...

Yeah. I really have to dash. Bye-bye.

- We don't have your address. - That's all right. I have it.

Oh, Treasury Department? This is Carter down at Alco.

I got something really odd here. You might want to check it out.

(imitating engine revving, gears shifting)

Beauty.

Say, uh, what's the price of a car like that?

$7,995.

- It's not even a dozen eggs. - I beg your pardon?

Nothing. You, uh... You wouldn't happen to have a layaway plan?

- Hardly. - No, I didn't think so.

Well, I can't buy it now, but, uh...

I'll be back.

That's funny. (laughs)

(indistinct chatter)

(low chatter)

According to the phone calls...

that have been pouring into this US Treasury Department office,

this map represents certain refineries...

that have been receiving these...

odd gold nuggets.

And we don't know just who the gang is,

but, undoubtedly, it's an underworld operation, huh?

Why would they be spreading those nuggets

around all those various refineries?

You figure it's Mafia-controlled, Chief?

- (Chuckles) Probably something worse. - Worse?

Gentlemen, they may have learned how to make gold.

Well, that's not very probable.

That can only be done by atomic bombardment, and the cost is prohibitive.

I know that, Hooper.

The point I'm trying to make is they've found a way

to make gold cheap enough to put on the market.

Our top chemists can't even identify some of the elements,

and there are traces of such bizarre impurities as... apple pectin.

(laughing) Apples in gold?

(chuckles) Don't laugh, Hooper.

Remember what happened to good old, ordinary bread mould, don't you?

Penicillin.

But, uh, Mr. Morgan here of the Federal Reserve Bank...

has something further to say to us on the subject.

Gentlemen, this...

this thing just cannot happen.

I mean, money, money is the greatest...

What we've got to do is to... We have got to ferret out...

and stop this nefarious gang of...

Well, I, I hesitate to think...

what would happen if this were to get out of this room!

- (phone rings) - Ahem! Excuse me.

Rutledge here.

Yes, he is. Just a second. Morg, for you.

President of the New York Stock Exchange.

He says urgent. Take it on one.

Hello, Bob. Ah, we...

Uh, wh-what rumour?

(laughing)

Synthetic gold?

Where'd you... Where'd you hear that?

Your barber?

Oh, no, Bob.

No, absolutely nothing to that, Bob.

Nothing to it at all. Well, we have had a little flap

about gold around here, but, uh, everything is absolutely under control.

So you tell the, uh... Wall Street just to relax, Bob.

Right, Bob. Right, Bob.

Bye, Bob.

Good heavens. How would his barber...

(ringing)

Rutledge here. You again.

Take it on two.

Hello. Yes, this is he.

The state department?

Hello, Rodge.

Oh, no, Rodge. That-That-That... That's just a rumour.

Rumour or not, Ed, this could play hard with our foreign monetary agreements.

(laughing) Believe me, Rodge,

we are right on top of this thing.

No, sirree, not a single foreign country...

will hear anything about it.

(speaking French)

Get me the US ambassador.

How dare they meddle with their gold. It's all ours.

Da, da. America is producing instant gold.

It is a plot.

If those bloody Americans are fabricating the stuff, we're done in.

Please get formula.

If Americans make it for ten dollar an ounce, we make it 8.95.

(all speaking simultaneously)

The White House?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

(stammers) Well, I... Well, I...

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I fully realise that you have enough trouble without this.

Yes, sir. I understand, sir.

Quite... Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Gentlemen, I think your duty is quite clear.

- Rutledge. - Huh?

It's in your hands.

Well, what leads do you have on this gang, Chief?

That? Oh. Uh... (chuckles)

Leads.

Yes, well... (clears throat)

So far the only lead we have is the name of the bag man.

(chuckles) Bag woman.

Known under various aliases,

such as K.W. Dooley,

"Katie Klaus" Dooley,

Mrs. Albert Dooley,

Frances Abigail Dooley.

Uh, what was after Albert Dooley? Why, that's my neighbour.

- Your neighbour? - Well, it's not my fault.

I was there first. They moved in, and I...

and Albert Dooley. I knew there was something about that professor.

(sheers clipping)

- Really, now. A man of your age. - Shh!

I was doing undercover work.

Yes, I can see that.

(car approaching)

(engine backfires)

Oh, hi, neighbour! (chuckling)

How's it going there, friend?

Fine, fine.

Oh, um, having a little vacation.

I thought I'd spend it... fixing up the house.

Have fun.

Hooper suspects something. Did you tell him anything?

You forgot to kiss me.

- Answer me. Did you? - I haven't even talked to him.

- Well, how about Jimmy? - I talked to him. He's our son, remember?

- I know that. - Why are you so suspicious of Hooper?

He's being friendly. That's enough proof!

(horn honks, engine revs)

Fred! How about that car?

- How about that? Beauty, isn't she? - Wait a minute!

What happened to no change in living standards?

Not only will my new idea save us a bundle...

- That's the car I had my eye on. - Good taste.

And old Freddy boy is gonna see you get a stable full of 'em.

- Why can't we have a car like that? - Katie, Katie, Katie.

What's the matter? Is that all you can think about, material possessions?

Here I am, slaving my head to the bone while you... Albert!

How about that for a company name?

- Dooley's Wrought Iron Sauna Baths? - Yeah.

- What does that have to do with gold? - Nothing.

It's a sure loser, a great tax write-off.

I can tell you we got bigger problems than that.

- You mean some new ones? - Hooper's suspicious.

- Hooper? - Yeah. He spoke to me.

Besides Hooper, I cannot identify the radioactive element in our gold.

If I can't do that, I don't know what its half-life is.

- And if I don't know what its half-life is... - What is this half-life?

The rate of disintegration of a radioactive substance.

In other words, it could run out.

Run out?

You mean our duck could stop laying gold eggs?

Exactly.

You mean that duck could be washed up right now?

- It's possible. - Well, get it, Al. Get it.

Get it and check!

Katie!

Katie, bring the duck!

You don't have to shout. I have 20-20 hearing.

- Where's Charlie? - Out.

What do you mean?

Jimmy took him for a ride with the Wadlow boys.

The Wadlow boys? Not that!

The way those maniacs drive, there goes our Charlie! Come on.

You guys said you'd take me and Charlie for a ride.

Take it easy. We will.

Can't you just put the battery... Ow!

- Hey. - Go help him.

If you're gonna hang around here, you gotta shape up, okay?

- (Charlie quacks) - Get that duck off there!

He'll fry! Get him off!

Hey, Arvin, look. He likes it. Look.

(Arvin) Man, he's outta sight.

(quacks)

Wanna sell him? We'll give you two bucks for him.

No, sir. He's my friend.

I got... I got an idea.

(quacking)

- (♪ radio: rock) - Hey!

- (all laughing) - (music stops)

(horn honking)

(Jimmy) Go, Charlie! Swing!

- Hold on, hold on. - Hey!

(shouting, laughing)

- What do you think you're doing? - Don't do that, daddy!

- We're havin' fun! - The fun's over, son.

But they're going to take me and Charlie for a ride.

Oh, no! No, no, no, they're not taking this duck in that deathtrap.

Hold on, Mr. Dooley. Doesn't that duck belong to Jimmy?

Yeah! You're violating his civil rights!

It's not a civil rights case. It's... property rights.

Hitlers!

(barking)

Albert, Jimmy's upstairs crying. What did you do to him?

I didn't do anything to him. I was just protecting the duck.

We can't take any more chances like that.

We have to take it away from Jimmy altogether.

You can't do that. Jimmy loves that duck.

It's his pal, now you've turned against him.

What do you mean?

This is academic if Charlie can't produce any more. Come on.

- Come on! - (barking)

(barking continues)

Ah, ha, ha!

(quacking)

- Finley! - Aah!

Serves you right. Masher!

Uh, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

Getting big, aren't ya? Come here. I got something to show you.

I'm not supposed to go into your yard.

That's all right. I've got a present for you. Come on.

(quacking)

- That's for me? - (chuckles)

If you want it. My little, uh, nephew outgrew it.

Boy, oh, boy!

Vroom, vroom!

Say, this is a nice duck you've got here.

I'll bet she lays a lot of nice eggs, hmm?

Yeah, lots of them.

You know something? I've never seen a real duck egg.

Do you suppose I could get her to lay one for me?

I don't know. My dad can. He barks at her.

He does? He ba... At the... Barks at the...

Why don't I try that? You come here and hold her and I'll try it, huh?

- Here we go. - (barks)

(barking)

Anything happen back there? No.

(barking)

(dog barking)

(barking)

- Come home now, Jimmy. - But look at the bike Mr. Hooper...

Right now, Jimmy. And bring Charlie. Hurry.

And you, Mr. Hooper,

stealing your neighbour's eggs.

Aren't you ashamed?

(sighs)

(stammers) That's right. Albert, he knows!

Well, no, he didn't get the egg, but...

I can't keep the duck locked up all the time. It's only human, you know.

Yes. All right.

Crisis, Fred. Hooper's hip.

I'll meet you at the house as quick as I can sneak away from here.

Dooley!

- (squealing) - Dooley!

Dooley!

What he has is, uh... (clears throat) this little duck.

- Did you say "duck"? - Yes. Duck.

(laughs) I got it.

Evidently some kind of a new, uh, gangland code word.

Oh, no, just plain duck. You know, quack, quack.

And this duck lays gold eggs.

It's true. I mean, I saw it happen.

They bark at it.

(chuckles) They bark at it?

Yeah, they bark at it, like a dog. (barking)

They bark just like... And that causes the duck to lay these, uh... gold eggs.

Lay? (chuckles)

- Why, I did it myself. - You?

You laid a gold egg, Hooper?

Oh, yeah. It wasn't easy, but... No! I didn't...

I barked at it. The duck, it laid the gold egg.

(chuckles) Oh, yes, well...

Certainly very interesting, Hooper.

Look, why don't you stop by my office sometime tomorrow...

and you and me have a little chat?

But, Chief, wait a minute. I know it sounds...

You confiscate the duck, and I'll prove it.

(chuckles) Hoop.

How long you been with the department now?

- Well, it was after Prohibition. - Uh, Chief.

There may be something to this. I checked with a Dr. Gottlieb at the university lab,

and he said something about Dooley trying to make gold out of eggs.

I thought he was putting me on. But now...

Aren't those nuggets all about the same size as an egg yolk?

So... Stop that!

It's all some fairy-tale talk...

- Sure, Chief, but look at the facts. - (phone ringing)

- (low chatter) - Hooper here.

Yes, Mr. Morgan. No, we haven't struck yet, but it's a duck.

- Lays gold eggs. Duck. - Let me have that.

Hi, Morg. Rutledge here.

(laughs) Thank you. Same to you.

Yes, there does seem to be a certain degree of duck involvement.

We don't know just ex...

Oh, no, duck. D-U... Yeah.

Oh, not a word. Not a word's gotten out.

A... A duck? Uh, quack, quack, quack, quack?

Try to trade them for it. Offer them all their gold.

Sell all our mines and buy up every bloody duck from here to Cape Town.

Get the blueprint of a US duck.

Make same thing. Plastic, half-price.

(all speaking simultaneously)

Now, just let me say this about that.

Get that duck. Do you understand?

- Get that duck. - Bye-bye.

All right, men. We're moving in.

Here's the strategy.

(engine backfires)

- Where's Charlie? - Upstairs with Jimmy.

Good. Where's the egg?

That's what we want. We got to get rid of the duck.

You got any more of these? We gotta get rid of 'em.

Albert. What are you doing?

- I handle the eggs. - I'm trying to help.

I know and I'm telling you I'm the egg man!

- Finley, where are you going? - Not now, Eunice, please.

- Let go of my egg. - It's my egg, too, Albert.

This is enough! Albert, go upstairs and get the duck.

Now, wait just a minute, Katie. I will decide what I am going to do!

I'm going upstairs and get the duck.

(knock at door)

(knocking continues)

Oh. Hello there, neighbour. I, um...

I thought you'd like to meet my colleagues at the treasury department.

- This is Mr. Rutledge, Smith... - It's a pleasure.

I hope you can come back when I'm not so busy.

Mr. Dooley.

Being treasury men doesn't mean you can barge in without a search warrant.

Right here.

Uh... Oh. There you are.

Dooley, Mr. Rutledge wants to see your duck.

What duck?

- Come on now, Dooley. - You mean my little boy's pet?

Mr. Dooley, we have an eyewitness...

who will attest to the fact that you have a duck

that lays... gold eggs.

Gold eggs?

Why'd you do a dumb thing like that for?

$41,000 worth of eggs,

and not one cent of income tax has been declared.

This duck of yours could be

the most single valuable asset in the United States today.

That duck is a, uh... natural resource.

- Like Hoover Dam. - Uh... (sighs)

That duck is entitled to the protection of the US Government.

(Fred) You have no proof that my client's duck lays gold eggs.

I understand that, uh... that the duck will produce on command.

That's right. I've done it myself. You bark at it.

I'll get the duck.

Now, wait a minute. You have your rights.

- I'd like to confer with my client. - You got 30 seconds.

(quacking)

Are you outta your mind?

I'll bark in the wrong pitch, and she won't produce.

- She won't cross us up? - No way.

- I'll get the duck. - I think I'd better.

He might not give it to you. He's not crazy about you.

- Beckert, don't let her out of your sight. - No.

I am not going upstairs with some strange man.

It's okay, Katie.

(quacking)

- He's gone. - The duck?

- Jimmy. - Went out the window with the duck.

- They're both gone? - You tricked us.

- Shut up! - Don't just everybody stand there.

- Go out and find him. - I'll handle this.

Beckert, Smith, Forbes, outside.

Deploy, cover the area. Hooper, stick with me.

Katie's right. We have to find that duck.

Not the duck, Fred, my son!

Hey, Mrs. Hooper. Did you see the Dooley kid come out of his house?

- With a duck? - I sure did.

He got a bicycle out of our garage and took off.

- Which way did he go? - That way. Oh!

Hey, Forbes! Come on! Let's go!

Eunice, why don't you watch what you're doing?

- (groans) - Ah!

Poor Jimmy. If we'd never gotten that darn duck.

Honey, we'll find him.

(tyres squealing, engine revving)

There's the bike. Come on.

- (quacking) - Look!

Turn around and let's go!

There, Chief.

(tyres squealing)

Search that truck.

Get up.

- Not in there. Not in there. - Huh?

Hey!

- What are you bums doin' in my truck? - Sorry, sir.

This is US official United States Government business.

We know you got a duck here somewhere.

Duck?

Hey, I know. This is Candid Camera, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Where is it?

Huh? Huh? Where is it?

Hooper, check that garbage can.

Okay, Mac. Move.

Let's check the rest of the alley. There's no sign of him here.

- There they are. Follow them! - Wait for us!

Come on, boy. Come on.

- (quacking) - Come on.

Charlie!

Charlie!

(quacking)

- (barking) - (quacking)

- What are you doing? - Charlie?

Stop it! Come here! Oh!

(brakes screech, cars crashing)

The guy in the truck swerved to miss the duck.

It's Jimmy.

What could I do?

What are you, some kind of a nut?

- Come on. Come on. - Don't let 'em get Charlie.

- Who's after him? - Everybody, even the government.

The government? Come on, Arvin. Hurry.

- All right. Cool it. - Come on, Charlie. You're mine.

There they are! The Wadlows have 'em.

Never mind that! Get up here. Move that car outta the way!

- (growls, barking) - I said, move it!

(screaming)

(screaming)

Watch out! Oh!

Wait. They're always ready. We need 'em.

- Get in. - Should we leave a note for somebody?

Get in, get in, get in!

Albert! Jump on!

(motor humming)

Whoa! Whoa!

Stop this thing. He's gonna be killed up there.

- Try and lower him. - How do you work this crazy thing?

Hey, Fred! Turn right at the next corner!

Hey, Fred, watch it!

That was a red light.

Look what they're chasing us with.

I sure gotta hand it to your old man, Jimmy. He's somethin' else.

For crying out loud, Fred, take it easy!

Hang on, Albert!

Fred!

Fred, what are you trying to do, kill me?

Fred.

You're gonna "decaptivate" him!

Fred!

- What are you trying to pull now? - What do you think?

I'm waiting for a streetcar!

Go, Forbes. After 'em.

Here we go.

(sirens wailing)

Get around that fool truck, and we got 'em.

Come on. Pass 'em.

- Fred! - No!

- Your dad's cool, but he is a show-off. - (car horn honking)

Forbes.

Hey! Oh! Oh!

Hold it! Hold it! You gotta have a ticket!

Swing on back to that garage, Forbes. We got 'em now.

(tyres screeching, horns honking)

- You can't make a U-turn here, stupid! - (all shouting)

All right. Thank you. Move along, folks. Break it up.

It's official United States Government business.

No wonder you got everything loused up!

Fred, the boys are in the parking garage.

You can't bring this thing in here.

- My son is in here. - I don't care who's in here.

- (honking) - Get this outta here!

Will you please take my money? I'm in a hurry.

- This mother's child... - Will you get this thing out!

Yeah.

Hey, over there.

- (quacking) - Come on.

Come on! Run! Move it!

Over you go, Jimmy.

(quacking)

Arvin, a ladder.

Jimmy!

Okay, Jimmy. Over you go.

- (Albert) Jimmy, where are you? - Be brave, pal.

Attaboy.

(quacking)

Easy does it, boy. Easy does it, Jimmy. Okay, there you go.

(quacking)

- Help! - (quacking)

- Hang on, Jimmy, pal. We'll get ya. - Just hang on, Jimmy.

- We'll find something... - Jimmy!

Jimmy. Don't move.

Don't move, son.

- Jimmy. - Go away, daddy!

- Jimmy, give me your hand. - You just want Charlie, that's all.

Jimmy, put your hand in mine.

- Just go away, daddy. - (creaking)

Daddy! Daddy, help!

- Help. - (creaking)

- (quacking) - Help!

(Katie shrieks)

(quacking)

Oh, Jimmy.

Oh, my son.

- (quacking) - Here, Hooper.

Daddy, don't let 'em take Charlie.

Don't let 'em.

Sorry, son. There's nothing I can do about that now.

- (quacking) - Charlie! Charlie!

- Wait! Charlie! Charlie! - Hey, slow up.

I'm sorry, sonny. I'm sorry.

We got to put Charlie under protective custody for his own good.

Jimmy, let's go home. I'll explain it all to you later.

- So long, gentlemen. - No.

You're not going home. You're coming with us. You're under arrest.

Arrest?

Suspicion of violation of federal gold regulations.

- He didn't mean to. - Ah, sorry. Come on, Dooley.

At least you're lucky, old boy.

Lucky?

My son disowned me. I've lost a fortune. And I've just been arrested.

But you've got a darned good lawyer to handle your case.

Thanks, Fred.

(sirens wailing)

(quacking)

(man) Set it right on top. Right on top.

- Hey! - (man) What's that duck really worth?

Sorry, gentlemen!

You can't get in the trial.

We handle riot cases, rapes and spies, but a rich duck?

Sorry, gentlemen!

(quacking)

Mr. Hooper, did you actually witness the duck lay a golden egg?

Yes, sir.

- Did you make it perform this feat? - I did, indeed.

- Would you demonstrate it for us, sir? - I'd be happy to.

(quacking)

(barking)

It's the wrong pitch, isn't it?

- (barking) - (quacks)

(barking)

- Your Honour, he's not doing it right. - Albert, sit down.

I'd like to get this out in the open. If that duck can lay gold eggs,

we should establish that.

If we've done wrong, I will accept the consequences.

- You're outta your mind. - If we lose the duck, so be it.

It's just that now I know that there are things...

a darn sight more valuable to me.

(quacking)

Excuse me.

One more time, Charlie.

(barking)

Ha, ha! There it is. There's the evidence.

Break that open and look inside of that. You're gonna get it now.

(people murmuring)

It's run out. Finished.

- (gavel pounds) - Case dismissed. Lack of evidence.

But, Your Honour, the defendant has $40,000 in various banks.

(Judge) Well, good for him.

Since when are we against the accumulation of a few dollars

as a result of individual initiative?

This country was built on enterprise and ingenuity.

Let's don't lose that.

Only bad thing is the professor won't be able to keep more money

after he pays his income tax on it.

You know, for a worthless creature,

you sure have caused a lot of trouble.

- Here you are. - Thank you, Your Honour.

You're wrong about this duck being worthless.

It has great value.

It was just that I was confused about what that value was.

(quacking)

Really?

- Forever? - Really forever, pal.

One word of caution, son.

If it ever lays another gold egg,

bury it... quick.

(quacking)

(all cheering)

(bell dings)

(quacking)