Original subtitles

♪ Promise me you'll never ever leave ♪

♪ And never leave me lonely

♪ Promise me you'll never ever go and ♪

♪ Afternoons will slowly slip away ♪

♪ You know that I'll come running ♪

♪ We'll say hello and warm our hands beside the fire ♪

♪ And talk a while

♪ You promise me you'll never go too far ♪

♪ And never leave me crying

♪ You promise me a wish made on a star ♪

♪ Can really still come true

♪ And I wish you'll never go away ♪

♪ Each promise you may stay

♪ And I will promise too

♪ I promise you I'll never, never ever go away from you ♪

♪ I'll never, never ever go away from you ♪

♪ I'll never, never ever go away from you ♪

What kind of a tic would you find on the moon?

What kind of a tic would you find on the moon?

Um...

Give up?

Yeah.

A lunatic.

Oh boy.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Did you sell that putrefaction yet?

No.

Jorgeson made another offer today.

$800.

I hope you didn't take it.

No.

You should get 12.

You know what Madge said today?

You have a good eye for art.

Really?

You're putting me on.

Honest.

Do anything new on your movie?

Which one, home or school?

The one you're supposed to shoot.

Oh yeah, cast my actors.

Oh, good.

Did Mary call yet?

She came over personally to say she'll be here

at eight sharp.

That's good.

Mommy, I don't need a babysitter.

We agreed...

But I can stay alone.

The last time you were on your own,

you were seen bicycling down the middle of 5th Avenue

without headlights.

But I had to buy film before the store closed.

Do you want me to go out?

Yes.

Then the sitter is in.

Why are you in the art business?

Why are you in the frozen food business?

Whenever I came to New York,

I couldn't stand the French food they served here

and so I decided that I should perform,

export here.

Well, you see, I was a bored housewife.

My husband who worked on Time Magazine,

that is my late husband, he traveled most of the week

and I needed an involvement and...

That's it.

In Paris, a bored housewife finds a lover.

Oh, well, in New York she opens a gallery.

All you American women.

What humor.

It is as sanitary as your bodies.

That really you?

Yeah.

You were cute.

So were you.

Who took this film?

My dad.

Oh.

Everyone says I should model.

I'm a perfect seven.

But I don't know if I'd photograph well.

I mean, I'd want to see what I'd look like first, you know?

Mm-hm.

Listen, Mary, you do what you want to.

I'm just gonna finish up and go to bed, okay?

Got the picture.

Hey, listen, you've gotta see something.

Oh, I heard about that.

What will it take Jamie?

8 1/2?

Why not?

Dada.

Me your Dada.

Johnson picked up by the Goldwaters' speech.

Well, I think Kennedy approved.

That had it.

I can't hear you, say it again?

Good night, Mary.

Good night, Jamie.

Jamie's listening, be quiet.

You dummy.

Jamie just went to the kitchen.

So what?

So what?

I don't wanna lose my three dollars.

Please, Phil.

Phil, this is Jamie.

Hi, Phil.

Hi, kid.

Hey, Phil, you still a virgin?

Hey, look, kid.

I mean, don't you think that...

Well, I mean...

What do you mean?

You're still a kid.

You didn't answer my question.

Well, I've had my moments, I guess.

You swore to me!

I didn't mean it.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm still a virgin too.

Well, I guess I'd better be pushing off.

Bye, Phil.

Oh boy, did you clobber him.

He sounded like a strangled chicken.

Poor guy was probably more scared than you were.

How do you know I was scared?

Aren't you a virgin?

Maybe, maybe not.

Besides, what do you know about it?

I know what I know.

Like what?

Like premarital intercourse is perfectly normal.

Just so long as the persons involved

have a sincere affection for each other.

Oh, you mean fooling around's alright.

Well, actually our society doesn't okay fooling around.

I mean, straight out.

But in other societies like the Pacific Islands,

all kinds of sexual relationships are perfectly okay.

Except incest, of course.

That's a universal taboo.

Glad you didn't tell Phil about the Pacific Islands.

Jamie.

Yeah?

What do they do in the Pacific Islands?

Thank you for a lovely evening.

It was my pleasure.

Oh, Mary.

Everything is alright.

Jamie's asleep.

Thank you, darling, thank you very much.

Good night.

Good night, Robert.

Oh, must we end this charming evening?

Well, Robert, I really think...

Love is such a precious cadeaux.

Uh, Robert, you're tickling me, it's really...

Please.

Get out.

Mon petit.

Why, you should be in bed.

Get out.

Jamie, go to your room.

Please believe me, Christine,

there's absolutely no cause for alarm.

Well, certainly Jamie overreacted last night,

but you must remember, he's in adolescence.

At 10?

It's all biology.

Bodies are changing due to nutrition, control of disease.

Girls today menstruate earlier than they did, say,

a generation ago.

The boys, the latency period is shorter.

By nine or 10, they're in a period of pre-puberty,

almost adolescence.

Remember, these kids belong to the media generation.

It's not that they're precocious, they're just smarter.

And if they seem more sexually aware, it's because they are.

What happened to innocent childhood?

Where have all the children gone?

Black?

Yes, please, and one sugar.

You know, when Jamie was a baby I used to think

what fun we would have when he grew a little.

And now...

Remember that Jamie is a product of his own times,

not of our remembered childhood.

What about the Oedipal?

What about it?

Well, you know, since Douglas's death, Jamie's changed.

Sometimes I think it...

It's almost as if he's trying to take his father's place.

How differently Jamie would have behaved

with Douglas alive, we'll never know.

There's one other thing, doctor.

Should I date or shouldn't I?

Hi, Madge.

Good morning.

What is this?

Happy birthday.

Oh, you darling.

Thank you for remembering, how sweet.

But what is CAM?

Oh, that's Computerized Astrological Matchmaking Service.

Well, you just fill out the form

and the computer figures out

in whose moon your ascendant is rising.

And I marry my ascendant next Sunday.

No, that's passe.

You see, with this service you have to promise

never to marry any of your dates.

Happy birthday.

Here, I think.

That looks good.

Uh huh.

Oh look, if you're not doing anything special tonight,

we're showing an old Jeanette MacDonald Nelson Eddy movie

at our house.

I know Jamie is crazy about the old ones.

We'd love to have you, you wanna come over?

Thank you very much, Madge,

but tonight is movie night at our house too.

You see, every birthday, be it mama bear's or teddy bear's,

we have the ceremony.

I make moussaka

and Jamie runs off some eight millimeter film of his dad.

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Look...

Hi, Jamie!

Is the shooting over?

Yeah, but something's come up.

The teacher's taking the class

to see Shakespeare in the park.

I forgot to tell you about it this morning.

Can I go?

The school bus will drop me home about 11, okay?

Alright.

See you later.

Oh, Jamie.

Yes, Mom?

Uh...

What?

Nothing, honey.

Have a good time.

Okay, bye, Mom.

Shh.

Explore your own city!

Discover its hidden treasures, beautiful parks,

friendly ghettos.

How many of you know the Bronx is the only part

of New York City on the mainland of the United States?

Is that a fact?

If you're an honest taxpayer, then you should see it.

Sir, want to take a tour?

What tour?

The tour for New Yorkers only.

I'm Italian.

Want to take a tour for New Yorkers only?

I'm happy to.

Do you have change for a quarter?

No, thanks a lot though anyway, no.

You'll have a wonderful time, Miss!

I haven't any money, thank you anyway.

New York by night, New York by day.

You don't need money!

Money's not important.

As a tribute to your great beauty,

I would like to prove to the world

that Peter Simon's Tours caters

to only the most beautiful women in the world.

Free of charge!

But I need you!

You're crazy, boy.

I'm not crazy!

Come on my tour, please.

Please, please, please, please.

Look, you're embarrassing me, mister.

She won't come with me!

I need you, please!

Just sit in my bus.

You'll be the example to our indifferent New Yorkers.

May Allah be with you, Jesus beside you,

and Moses leading the way.

Miss, explore your own city.

See all the lively nooks and crannies,

all the unusual markets.

A tour of New York for New Yorkers only.

Fuck off.

Look, I've changed my mind.

I'd like to get off.

Passengers will please not move down the aisles

while the vehicle's in motion.

Would you just stop the car?

Passengers will not shout at the driver.

I'm not shouting.

Have you ever seen Manhattan?

I live here!

You've never seen it.

Wow, this is out of sight.

As soon as I saw you,

I said to myself "No, he won't go for that."

What about the turquoise one?

Ah, the Ethiopian jablan.

Magnificent.

A dress made of pure silk, handwoven.

Try this?

I have that in size six.

You live around here, young man?

No.

Mary, please stop moving around.

Could you move in front of the other light?

That's it, right there.

Come on, stand up straight.

Jamie, I've gotta work on my report.

What are you working on?

Turn around.

The family unit in the Pacific Islands.

Oh.

How much?

$22.50.

Okay.

Central Park, where children play by day

and fairies play by night.

If you're lucky, a children people.

Can I offer you anything, coffee, tea, or me?

Tea.

You're now passing through Snobsville, New York.

Art Row, where artists paint with their toes,

where frames are prettier than pictures.

Have you ever been to any of the galleries?

They're all frauds.

They make a lot of people happy.

And a lot of people rich.

Touche.

Why?

I own a gallery.

Are you rich?

No.

Too bad.

Next stop, Wall Street.

You sure?

I'd be happy to drive you home.

No, thank you.

I could ask your name.

You could.

But why spoil a beautiful thing, right?

Right.

Thank you.

It's been fun.

Good night.

It's just wonderful.

I went out to buy the dress.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry I wasn't home

when you came in with it,

but it's the sweetest, loveliest present I ever got, ever.

How was the movie?

What movie?

Oh, I never got to the movie.

I got forced into taking a tour of Manhattan.

Are you hungry?

No.

Who forced you?

Neither am I.

What do you say we open up the champagne, okay?

Who forced you?

Yeah, you wanna know who's a virgin?

Let me go!

You're a midget.

Get him, man, don't be a chicken.

Yeah, you better run home to your mother

before he mashes you.

What's wrong, kid, you forget your bottle or something?

Freaking.

Think you know everything?

That's it, man.

Speak, man, speak.

He made a pass at my girl.

This kid?

Little bastard!

Okay, go home.

Vanish.

This scene is over.

Lover boy, huh?

Real hombre.

And tough too.

Gonna make some bread?

Least they got gas stations, drugstores, that kind of stuff.

Could use you.

Call me when you stick up Chase Manhattan.

Alright, just have your relay races the same way

you would any other time, okay?

And tell Andy not to look at the camera.

Andy, don't look at the camera.

Okay.

Anything else?

No.

Alright, any questions?

I saw the pope on TV last night

and he doesn't wear a stupid jockey cap.

Listen, we're not trying to imitate anybody,

we're just having fun.

Like Halloween, right, Jamie?

I brought this cap that looks just like the pope.

That's.

May I wear it?

Jamie's the director.

Alright, put it on.

This film's an improvisation anyway.

Alright, take your places.

Scene five, take three.

Ready?

Action!

♪ Your funny face

♪ Your funny clothes

♪ Your funny hair

♪ Your funny toes

♪ Your funny eyes

♪ Your funny nose

♪ Do I have to be like you?

♪ Do I have to look like?

♪ Do I have to talk like?

♪ Do I have to be like?

♪ Do I have to do?

♪ Do like you?

You know, Jamie had an IQ of 143 when he was six.

Scared his father so much he took him to a psychiatrist

right away.

Well, I'll tell you.

When I was six, I had an IQ of 145.

My parents weren't scared.

♪ Do I have to look like?

♪ Do I have to talk like?

♪ Do I have to be like you?

♪ Be like you?

♪ I wanna be like you

Later, Jamie.

See you, Andy.

How was your computer date?

Short circuited.

Was he that bad?

Look, it's the worst, you have to do me a favor.

What?

Play sick.

But Mom, I've been invited to a party.

I'll make a bargain with you.

I'll take you to dinner and then you can take a ride

on the Staten Island Ferry with me.

And when you come home, you can watch the Late Show with me.

You mean I can stay up tonight, Mom?

Hold on.

Alright.

Get the line going.

Come on.

Don't touch anything.

Anything is scratched and I'll have to buy it.

She looks like Sophia Loren.

Just like Sophia Loren.

Do you have any Gauguin?

Who?

Gauguin.

Oh, you like Gauguin?

Yes, he painted that beautiful red dog.

Oh, well, everything would look red to you.

I'm interested in the washes.

He uses a lot of pink, doesn't he?

What about the ceiling, what color do you call this?

I would say that's an off cocoa, sir.

That's a sprinkler system over there.

Look at the texture of that, everyone.

I mean, it makes you want to just feel and reach out

and eat the colors, doesn't it?

And what is that back there?

That's a girl.

Oh, dear me, it looks like Elsie.

I thought that was Elsie.

There must be 125 art galleries in this area

and I've come in 50 of them in the past two weeks.

You must like art.

Why didn't you tell me the name of your gallery?

Why didn't you ask my name?

What's your name?

Christine Sutton.

I love you, Christine.

Have coffee with me.

I have to take care of the shop.

My partner's out to lunch.

Oh, you can take 10 minutes.

Put a sign in the window.

You're in the middle of a bus tour.

No, out of towners.

No stamina.

They need a breather, you know?

Watch.

Everybody back in the bus, let's go!

Come on, back in the bus!

Gallery's closed for lunch, let's go!

Come on, Mrs. Sturgess, pop art is bad for your eyes.

Let's go.

Right back in, come on, come on.

I'm sorry, they're closing.

Come on.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

They close the gallery for lunch.

They have to eat too, you know.

Hurry up, dear, let's get in.

Let's get in, hurry up, hurry up.

Hurry up.

Get comfortable now.

That's it.

So I had a choice, become mayor of New York or a guide.

So I looked into the requirements of being mayor.

A candidate has to shake about 6,000,000 hands,

kiss thousands of babies, eat about 50 pizzas

and 30 blintzes a day.

By the time you become mayor, the hand is crippled,

you have bad breath, and you carry around Alkaseltzer

with you all day.

So I became a guide.

But why a guide?

A guide, you only risk one finger.

You know, on your right folks, is Lady Liberty,

a gift of the people of France to the United States.

On your left is the World Trade Center.

Very original.

Please marry me, Christine Sutton.

Please.

For all you know, I may be married.

We'll fly to Mexico and arrange for the judge

to give you a divorce.

Then we'll have him marry us.

Are you married?

Don't you think it's about time you get back

to your tea party?

Let us out of here.

I'm, feel just like fleas.

Hey, calm down.

Hey, hold back.

Go on about your way.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I got this.

This your bus, fella?

Yes, it is.

And these are your tourists?

Yeah.

Well, what do you mean going off

and leaving them like that?

I didn't leave them.

I quarantined them.

You what?

Measles.

Who has the measles?

Measles?

There are no measles in this bus.

That flat-faced kid in the back there.

Those are freckles.

Watch out.

Where's the guy with the measles?

There he is.

Hey, would you get the kid with the measles up?

There he is.

He doesn't look like he's sick to me.

What do you think?

No, there's spots.

You see 'em?

Let's take to the hospital anyway.

We'll give you an escort.

Let's go, come on.

Officer, this man is lying.

Listen, lady, we can't take any chances.

Funny city, is it?

It's a very funny city, I don't think that...

Meet me here at three o'clock tomorrow!

I can't.

What's your phone number?

I'm having a party.

Be here at three tomorrow.

Jamie, it's been five minutes.

It is your move.

What does zug mean?

I know the word exists but I'm not sure of the meaning.

Well, I challenge.

Okay, if you say so.

Hello?

Hi.

What happened here?

Everyone's waiting here for you.

What?

This is Peter, remember me?

How did you get my number?

I have your address too.

Now listen, Christine, you can't break our date.

I mean, all my friends are waiting in the bus

for the guest of honor.

Look, I can't make it now.

I'll appeal to your vanity.

You're unquestionably going

to be the most beautiful woman there.

Now your competition isn't much.

We have a Miss America 1930 here,

three chondodystrophic dwarfs,

and the entire basso section

from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

The ugliest group of people you've ever seen

in your entire life.

Christine, if you don't come to the party,

I'm going to bring everyone over to your house.

Oh!

Don't do that, alright?

I'll meet you at the gallery in half an hour.

Who was that, Mom?

A client from out of town.

He's only got a few hours and he's interested

in buying a painting.

Oh.

It's a little early, I know,

but I'm gonna call Mary anyway.

Where's the party?

Right here.

Where is everybody?

They'll come in time.

When?

Right now.

You missed.

Hey, you want to go to a party?

No, man.

Great party.

Where you going, where?

Everywhere.

Uptown, downtown, wherever the wheels will take us.

The back side of the moon.

Okay, we're coming, we're coming.

Want to go to a party?

♪ Uptown, downtown, back of the moon ♪

♪ High as a cloud and free as a goose ♪

♪ Hang loose

♪ Come on, fancy me a tune

♪ Take off your shoes and pass out the juice ♪

♪ We're gonna have a party

♪ We'll fly like a wild balloon ♪

♪ We're gonna have a party

♪ Won't stop till the fireworks pop ♪

♪ Don't let it come back too soon ♪

♪ Too soon

♪ Uptown, downtown, back of the moon ♪

♪ Too soon

♪ Uptown, downtown, back of the moon ♪

♪ Uptown, downtown, back of the moon ♪

♪ Craziest ride but it's gonna be okay ♪

♪ Let's all wave goodbye till we're out of sight ♪

♪ And float away as high as a kite ♪

The kite, the kite.

You are at heaven's gate and the stars begin to rise

in the bed of flowers that lies.

Oh Manhattan, look at the sky.

We are standing before the...

Skies.

That's right.

Skies.

Water, water, everywhere.

I was thinking of Los Angeles.

Is that where you're from?

Uh huh.

I've lived 23 years of my life near water.

From the little pool at my home

to the ocean 10 minutes away from home.

That's what life is about,

an ode to sun, sand, ski, surf.

When I was a kid, I thought the whole world

was one big swimming pool with a little patch of patio

for Cokes and cocktails.

When I was a kid,

I thought the whole world was a warehouse.

Why?

My parents kept everything, absolutely everything.

Old newspapers, shoes,

even a pot of beef stew was saved

until the last potato was eaten.

Sounds like the Depression.

Post-Depression, pre-war.

What a combination.

What did your father do?

My father was in the carpeting business.

That made life a little difficult, you see,

no one was really interested in having a carpet

when there wasn't enough clothes to put on your back.

Money meant everything.

What did your father do?

Psychoanalyst.

You know, one of those experts that borrows your watch,

tells you the time, and charges you 50 bucks.

Sounds like a very stimulating environment.

I hated it.

What brought you to New York?

I lived with my father for a while

after my mother divorced him.

I was fooling around with one of his clients,

a pretty Oriental starlet.

I would tell her what my father was really like

and she would tell him during the sessions.

So my father and I had it out, he gave me an ultimatum.

Either go to work or join the army.

The Peace Corps was big at the time,

so I joined the Peace Corps.

They sent me to Sierra Leone, and I was maybe...

That's in West Africa.

Right, just below Liberia.

Smaller than a postage stamp, really.

I was supposed to teach English.

Then when I got there, the Peace Corps supervisor said

that I was to teach baseball to the Temne tribe.

It seems that a rival tribe, the Mende,

already had a baseball team.

So I said screw you.

And I got sacked.

And luckily, some Greek businessman I met there

needed an English interpreter.

Do you speak Greek?

Well, I'm one quarter Greek.

Anyway, he spoke broken English, I spoke broken Greek,

so we survived.

He took me all over Africa and then to Greece.

I love Greece, that's my most favorite country.

Just to be able to roam through the rooms

of the temple of Zeus.

I loved it there too.

I never wanted to come back.

Why did you?

I was caught growing marijuana in my employer's garden

and I was deported.

I'm not as wild as I once was though, once upon a time.

For one thing, I have a steady business here, regular...

Picking up ladies.

Now if that's your regular business,

you're in a lot of trouble.

You're the first lady I really tried to pick up.

Oh.

Really.

Your green eyes captivated me.

They're hazel.

Oh.

Christine?

Would you make love to me?

I've never been propositioned that way.

It's the only way I know.

I'm not a great lover, I never have been.

You know, they say that if you love somebody,

really love somebody, then there isn't...

You don't have any problem.

Christine.

Please let me love you.

Mary.

Hi, Jamie, what's up?

Can I talk to you alone?

Sure.

You two go ahead, I'll catch up to you, okay?

Did you finish that report on the Pacific Islands?

No.

How's it coming along?

The teacher says my topic is too broad,

I'll have to narrow it down.

Why?

You wrote this for me?

Yeah.

Gee, thanks.

Now when my mother calls you to sit, make an excuse.

Just say you can't make it.

Why?

I got my reasons.

Yeah, and I'll lose three dollars.

Then you can't have the report.

Okay, you've got a deal.

Can I take it?

Yeah.

Thanks, Jamie.

Sorry I took so long.

Gee, he's groovy.

So cute.

He's neater than Phil.

Hey, cut it out, will you?

I'm his babysitter and that's all.

Really?

Do you know how old he is?

10.

So what?

I once kissed a boy who was eight.

And boy, let me tell you, he was some kisser.

You know what?

Blue's your color, Mom.

Wrap this one, please.

Let's go over to the boys department now

and we'll buy you a new suit, alright?

Mom, in the last two weeks I've gotten two new shirts,

a new light meter, and five extra dollars for pocket money.

Now you want to get me a new suit?

You deserve it.

Why?

Because you worked so hard on your film.

Oh, it's not finished yet.

I have the whole thing to edit over the summer vacation.

Well, I feel bad that I haven't seen you

for the past couple weeks.

But you've been so busy with your clients.

Let's buy a wild hat then, alright?

Business is booming.

Alright.

You going out tonight?

There's an interior decorator from Los Angeles in town,

she's looking for some paintings.

But Mary can't sit.

So?

So I don't know any reliable sitters.

Don't worry, I'll just cancel the appointment.

Don't cancel because of me.

I could stay home by myself.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to.

You sure?

Yes, Mom.

Then that's very thoughtful of you, darling.

Maybe I will, just this once.

Oh, come on, move it, car, let's go!

What do we do now?

Wait.

How long?

Till they come out.

What's going on, chico?

You made a deal.

Okay, okay, big shot.

Hey, can I look through your camera?

Okay.

Tell me about your husband.

That's breaking the rules, isn't it?

Look, if you don't want to answer me, you don't have to.

What do you want to know?

Well, how did you meet him?

At college.

Do you love him?

I loved him, while he was alive.

He's dead?

He died two years ago in a plane crash.

Then who are you hiding me from?

No one.

Then why do I drop you off at the corner all the time?

Do you live alone?

I live with Jamie, my son.

Can I meet him?

Let's have your plan, chico.

If you stick up a gas station, you only get about $20.

Right?

But if you had a key to those pumps,

at night when the station closes,

you could take out maybe 20 or 30 gallons

without the owner even knowing.

Could take them weeks to find out.

Great, but how do I get the key?

Make another key in the morning.

Then slip that one on the desk without anyone seeing you,

alright?

Hey!

Who was that chick you were following?

My mother.

Dad, what is orgasm?

Didn't you learn about it in your sex education course?

No.

Well, when a man and woman have intercourse,

the orgasm is the peak of sexual excitement.

It's something like a climax, an ending.

Ah.

Where'd you hear the word?

I read it in your article for the magazine.

Oh, oh, that orgasm.

And the phrase was political orgasm,

meaning the peak of political excitement.

Do you understand what you read?

How come your name wasn't at the bottom?

That's the policy.

See, when I write a story,

it's rewritten by a special group of writers.

Then it's edited by a different group.

Is that good?

No, I don't like it.

You know, I always wanted to write a novel

but somehow I don't have the guts to give up my job.

Maybe I've forgotten what I wanted to say.

You know, when you grow up, I don't want you to compromise.

Jamie.

Darling, I didn't know you'd still be up.

I was reading.

You know that lady from Los Angeles?

I have the funniest stories to tell you about her...

Mom, I'm tired.

Can I please be excused?

Okay, honey.

Thank you, good night.

Good night.

Oh, for Christ's sakes, Chris, Jamie is your son,

not your husband.

How long you gonna keep this up?

And what if he finds out that you've been lying?

I feel like I'm split in two.

I know that they're oceans apart.

You love the man?

Yes.

Is he good?

In bed?

He has possibilities.

Has he proposed?

Twice so far today.

You wanna marry him?

I think so.

Oh, well, look.

Why don't you take the afternoon off and go to the park

and feed the pigeons and kind of think things out.

What will we do with our Argentinian painter?

Oh, well, let me take care of him.

Look, life is bigger than art.

Oh really?

Who says so?

My guru.

You're the only broad I know who goes to a psychiatrist

and a guru at the same time.

I know, I need all the help I can get.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hiya.

Hi.

Peter, this is Jamie.

Jamie, this is Peter.

How do you do.

How do you do, Jamie.

Um...

A nice house.

Sorry.

Would everybody like an afternoon drink?

I'll have a Coke.

Me too.

What grade are you in in school, Jamie?

Sixth.

Did you skip?

Yes.

Anything, school?

Guess it's okay.

I thought that we'd go to the zoo

but I don't know, you're a different sort.

Don't tell me I'm mature for my age.

Okay.

As long as you don't tell me I'm young for mine.

That's obvious.

Look, I don't blame you for trying to cut me.

I don't have to cut you.

Jamie, I won't forget who gave me my first break, fellow.

Thanks, Peter.

Thank you for a lovely afternoon.

You're welcome.

I'll call you.

Okay.

Did you have fun?

At someone else's expense?

I'm ashamed of you, Jamie.

I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

Your intelligence isn't worth 10 cents

if you don't know how to respect...

If you don't know how to respect another human being.

Peter was trying to be nice to you

and you were trying to make a fool out of him

with your camera.

Now all you managed to succeed in doing is looking ill-bred.

Can I be excused?

You can do anything you want.

John.

Bourgeois values in technology.

Neil...

A piece of shit.

Don't, Douglas!

Oh, for Christ's sakes, don't bring up Beckett to me!

Why the hell not?

Because Beckett never protested about bans...

Just a minute, just a minute, just wait.

Stop shouting.

I'm not shouting, you're shouting!

I'm all done listening to you.

May I come in?

I won't see him anymore.

Then you'll just like him more.

But I love you very, very much.

Do you love him?

Yes.

Then you have to see him.

Oh, but he wants to come and live with us.

Do you want him to?

I don't know, I...

I'm not sure.

Can't you love us both?

Of course I can.

According to God's holy ordinance,

do you, Christine, take this man, Peter,

for your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold

from this day forward, for better or for worse,

in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer,

until death do you part?

I do.

Place the ring.

What a catastrophe.

Have you got the ring?

This often happen, I'm sorry.

Take this copper one, it will do.

Thank you.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

It'll only be two weeks but I'll call you every night

at dinnertime, okay?

Bye.

So long.

Chris, bye, I love you very much.

Whatever happened to your wedding ring?

What?

The one I gave you at the altar.

Oh, you're a fine one to ask.

Don't you remember I sold it to pay

for typing your doctorate?

How could I forget that?

You better not, ever.

Fade in, the locale's a posh New England restaurant

overlooking the bay, right?

But remember, your mother is pretending to be my secretary

and she makes a reservation for a table

in the name of His Excellency San Christovo Rafael Jolidas.

The town is very small and the word spreads quickly,

everyone hears about it.

So we go into the restaurant, I give them my pidgin Spanish.

Excuse me.

The local banker, he was waiting in the restaurant for us

and he insisted that we be his guests for dinner.

And the banker didn't want to insult the foreign dignitary

so he starts slurping too.

And the two of us slurping away,

we sound like Niagara Falls.

That's very funny.

Come back again.

You too, huh?

Goodbye, Mrs. Osmond.

Remember tomorrow we have a date together, eh?

Okay.

Great, good, good night.

You want to?

Now?

Mmhm.

I don't know.

Well.

Maybe in the morning.

Okay.

No, I can't.

Why?

Got an early appointment.

Well then some other time, alright, darling?

How about some Scrabble?

Alright.

Where's the set?

Where is everybody, is this a ghost town?

Hey!

We got it made.

We got it made!

How?

City hall bought the idea, buying six tours a week

for the entire summer.

Underprivileged kids.

They're sending me the purchase order next week.

Congratulations, that's terrific.

Come on, let's go out.

Why?

Why, because I have a whole box of fireworks, that's why.

With Vesuvius sparklers, incredible things.

Come on, let's go celebrate.

Hi, Jamie, what's going on?

Happy fun father's birthday.

But today isn't...

Come on.

Your father seems like a lot of fun.

He's a funny man.

You don't call me to babysit anymore.

Do you miss me?

You're different.

Hey, Jamie, when are you gonna make a movie about me?

Come on, darling.

Over thy moons now do I prophecy.

Which like dumb moths do open their ruby lips

to beg the voice and utterance of my tongue.

Excellent.

I think that you've got an actor in the family.

You know, when I was his age, I couldn't even read.

That's because of the school he goes to.

It's very progressive, you know.

But how costly is it?

Two long ones a year.

Oh, but it was worth it.

Yeah, I guess so.

His IQs have all been consistently above average.

What do you want to be when you grow up, Jamie?

Jamie is going to be a senator.

Anything but journalism.

Or teaching.

Jamie and I have other plans, right, son?

Hey, Mom, guess what the next production

in Shakespeare in the Park is?

What?

Julius Caesar.

We must try to catch it.

I wonder what time it is.

I must get Peter up.

Good morning.

Hello.

Come on, it's time for breakfast.

I want you for breakfast.

Peter, come on.

Come on, later.

Darling, come on.

Okay, everybody, it's time to wrap it up.

Is that Douglas?

Mmhm.

Good skier.

Funny, I always imagined him to be taller.

He had more of his cuticles than you have in your head.

Jamie, stand up!

And turn off that machine.

Now you just go into your room and you can stay there

until I tell you to come out.

I'm sorry, Peter.

Oh, that's okay.

Darling.

Jamie, Jamie.

It's alright, darling, it's just a bad dream, I'm here now.

It's alright, darling.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

Please, just...

It's alright, darling.

Jamie, Jamie.

Jamie, Jamie.

Oh.

Come on then, you want to play?

Let's play catch.

Huh?

I have a fastball that's superb.

Had conditions been right,

I'd be in the major leagues right now.

Come on, Jamie, let's see.

Wanna box?

Wanna spar a few rounds?

I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal with you.

You teach me how to play Scrabble

and I'll teach you how to box.

Okay?

Mommy, can I go on the swings?

Well, all of the symptoms are of regression.

The stammering sometime.

He hasn't touched his editing for three days.

Do you know what he did this morning?

He went back to playing with his old toys.

I think he's trying to reach out to you.

Well, he doesn't have to try.

I'm here.

Do you think it's going to affect his IQ?

Now come on, I really don't think

that we should be worrying at this stage about IQs.

It's all my fault, I never should have hollered at him.

Mom, where's my blue shirt?

It's in your top drawer, Jamie.

I can't find it.

It must be in the laundry then, darling.

How about wearing the orange one?

I don't like that one.

What's wrong with it?

I don't like it.

Alright.

How about...

How about this one?

We just bought it a couple weeks ago

and you only wore it once.

Okay.

Okay.

Here you go.

Hey, look, I gotta...

Oh, I'm sorry, Peter.

I'll be in the kitchen in a minute.

No, don't bother, I had coffee.

I've got to go now.

My next tour begins in 15 minutes.

Bye!

Hey, Fellini!

You better start cutting your film today.

All my tourists have been asking for you.

Come in.

What's the matter, darling?

Mommy, I'm frightened.

Can I sleep in your bed?

Jamie, you're old enough to sleep in your own bed.

I know, but just for a little while.

Come on, get the ball!

Now go home and tell your mommy

that you're still a virgin.

It's going through the deep chasms

of the Grand Canyon now.

Is anyone else with us?

Just you and I.

Okay, let's go to Mount Rushmore.

Alright, Mount Rushmore.

Packed?

We're not gonna go.

I already made hotel reservations.

Well, I guess you better cancel 'em.

What happened?

Jamie, would you be a sweetheart, honey,

and go get me a bottle of shampoo from the drug store?

Just tell them to charge it to our account, okay?

Okay.

Look.

Jamie is very shook up.

He was beaten up by some kids today

and I really can't go away for the weekend,

not after this has happened.

I've already called Madge and I've told her

that we're not gonna bring him over.

Well, why don't we all go?

We'll get a room for Jamie.

Well, I can't really do that.

You see, I promised him he could go to the museum

and he's got his heart set on that Shakespeare festival

in the park tomorrow night.

Well, what about my vacation?

I've been looking forward to it.

What about me?

What about you?

My needs.

Well, they're taken care of, aren't they?

How?

Well, I love you, now don't I?

When was the last time we made love?

I didn't know the license specified dates.

Well, it does specify that I exist.

Oh.

Peter, I acknowledge your existence.

Yeah, how do you show it?

By reading Human Sexual Inadequacy in the living room

while I'm waiting for you in bed?

Maybe you should read it.

Look!

I don't want to argue.

I'm tired.

I just want to have some fun.

Why can't we all go away for the weekend?

It's too nerve-wracking at this point.

Jamie needs me here at home.

Oh, come on, Christine, stop dramatizing.

I'm not dramatizing, it's a fact.

You don't have to wave your flag of motherhood at me.

I know you've done your best with Jamie,

but leave him alone sometimes.

He'll be better off.

Let him be!

Don't you realize Jamie has a problem?

He's hung up on me.

Oh yeah?

Maybe you're hung up on him!

What does that mean?

For two months, when we first started going out,

you hid the fact that you had a son.

Why?

What does that got to do with anything?

Could it be that you felt guilty about us,

as if you were betraying your own child?

What the hell do you know about bringing up a child?

I was a kid once too, remember?

And a screwed up one at that,

thanks to my goddamn intellectual parents.

Well, nothing much seems to have changed.

I'm gonna stay that way, honey, because I can't help it

and you like it.

The way to your heart is through your nipples,

so if you want, I'll start having nightmares

so I can cuddle up at night with you, huh?

And I'll start pulling the bits.

"Mommy, I'm frightened, can I sleep in your bed?"

Please shut up!

It's the truth and you know it!

Get out, leave me alone.

I'm leaving you alone.

For good.

I'm sorry.

Please don't touch me.

How long has he been gone?

Two weeks.

Chris.

You miss him?

Yeah.

Do you know where he is?

He sleeps in the cemetery and he gets drunk every night

and he calls me and he tells me he wants to come home.

Why don't you let him?

Because he's...

Immature.

And I know it wouldn't work.

Well then, what are you gonna do?

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna get a separation, maybe I'll get a divorce.

What about counseling?

He doesn't believe in that.

I've put this too high.

Chris, are you busy tonight?

No, why?

Well, I just thought if you weren't busy,

maybe you could come with me to my yoga class.

See, tonight we're gonna meditate.

You're able to really think things out.

Honestly, I practically saved our marriage that way.

I'll think about it, okay?

The United Nations provided the four structures.

General assembly, secretarian, library,

and conference buildings.

I don't know why they call it...

Hello?

Hello, testing?

Testing, one...

Alright, you little bastards, I've had about enough of you!

Now if you want to fight, I'll fight you all at once

or one at a time.

You, the big fat grin on your big fat face, come here.

It makes me so appealing

when I dance in my basket,

I show a lot of feeling.

Oh, it's gorgeous to be graceful.

Oh, kiss your chin...

Listen, Jamie, I can't stand these movies anymore.

I think I'm copping out.

Okay.

You can watch them though if you want to.

No, that's okay, I'm tired too.

Good night.

Good night.

You okay?

Yeah.

You brush your teeth?

How did you get in?

Fire escape.

What do you want?

My wife.

Get out, Peter.

Peter.

Peter.

Peter!

You okay?

Yes, darling, it's alright, darling.

Peter just came in.

You can go back to bed.

Fine, just terrific!

You just go back to bed, darling.

Peter!

No.

Just stay from me, just stay away, Peter.

Oh!

Oh, Peter.

Oh.

You know, Peter came back and is gonna stay with us.

Yeah?

That's all.

Well, what do you think about that idea?

What idea?

His coming back.

My mother likes it.

What about you?

Well, she fusses over him like a...

Well, come on.

Oh, I guess he's okay.

He's a pretty clever man.

He really knows how to handle things.

Yeah, like what?

I don't know, like things.

I wish you'd let me in on your secret.

I was just thinking

that I could do some pretty clever things too.

All that caressing and everything.

I mean, can't you just do it?

You have to be excited.

But I am excited now.

I mean physically excited.

Your body has to be excited.

Why?

Because you can't do it unless you are.

Things won't work right.

Well, how can you tell if you're excited enough?

I can tell.

How?

See, it's hard.

Of course, silly, I'm wearing a bra.

It's hard underneath also.

How do you know?

I can tell.

Take off your bra and I'll show you.

Wow.

It is hard.

Really.

Touch it.

That's weird.

Good weird or bad weird?

Good weird.

You can kiss it if you like.

Where'd you learn about that stuff?

I read books too, you know.

That is weird.

What else do you do to make someone excited?

You have to take off the rest of your clothes first.

Okay.

Now you take yours off, otherwise it's not fair.

That's nice.

Do it again.

Jamie, do you think we could do it?

I wouldn't do it with any of my boyfriends

but it would be alright with you.

I mean, you know all about it and everything.

And I like you.

You said yourself it's okay if people have

a sincere affection for each other.

And I do like you, really.

Besides, it's safe with you, isn't it?

You sure you want to do it, Mary?

I guess.

Yes, I do.

Alright.

Well?

There's supposed to be a bed.

Well, isn't the couch okay?

I suppose.

Do you want me to lie down?

I don't know.

It's okay, Jamie.

We'll figure it out for ourselves.

Maybe if we both sit down.

It won't work that way.

I'm sure of it.

I've got an idea.

Oh.

Did it hurt?

No, no.

It feels weird.

And nice.

Mary, maybe we better stop.

I don't know what to do.

Just a little more.

Mary, please, let's stop.

I tell you what, I'll take a movie of you,

then we'll do it, okay?

Just a little more, Jamie.

I can't do it, I can't!

I don't...

Jamie?

Jamie.

Hey, it's alright.

You were doing fine.

Honest.

Look, you want to take some movies?

Jamie, just want to tell you,

I never felt that nice with anyone.

I wasn't scared or anything.

It was really nice.

I mean, really, Jamie.

Go away.

Mary, please go away.

Oh god.

Well, he was on the platform at some sort of weird angle

and the camera fell on the track.

And suddenly the train comes zooming out of the dark

and he must have gotten panicky and...

Look, I trust it doesn't have to go further than this.

Mr. Simon, why didn't he tell me all this

in the first place?

Okay, let's have it.

What?

What were you doing on the tracks?

I lost my way.

On the tracks?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Jamie.

I know you, you're so goddamn smart you'd find your way out

of the black hole of Calcutta.

Now start talking.

I know what you were doing there.

What?

You were trying to scare your mother,

that's what you were doing on the tracks.

Oh, you'd be spotted and pulled in by the police.

But I came to get you, not her.

You are indeed a devoted son.

Please don't tell my mother.

Why not?

I'll make it up.

I'll pay you back.

♪ Your funny face

♪ Your funny clothes

♪ Your funny hair

♪ Your funny toes

♪ Your funny eyes

♪ Your funny nose

♪ Do I have to be like you?

♪ Do I have to look like?

♪ Do I have to talk like?

♪ Do I have to be like?

♪ Be like you

♪ Your funny face

♪ Your funny clothes

♪ Your funny hair

♪ Your funny toes

♪ Your funny eyes

♪ Your funny nose

♪ Do I have to look like?

♪ Do I have to talk like?

♪ Will I ever be like you?

♪ Do I have to look like?

♪ Do I have to talk like?

I can't stand to watch it.

It's funny.

Like hell it's funny.

How did you find the film?

Mother's intuition.

I went into his room last night

and he became very secretive about his editing,

so I knew he was up to something.

We got a little Jimmy Bond living in the apartment.

He must have followed us by cab, the little son of a gun.

Spying on us and then he's filming it to boot.

It's all part of the new morality.

Well, whatever is new about it, it sure is ugly.

My own son.

He's trying to make a liar out of me.

Oh, he's been fed a lot of lies too, you know.

You wanted to go away on a long vacation.

Yeah.

Let's make plans.

What about Jamie?

Jamie's going to camp this year.

Don't you think you should discuss this

with his doctor?

I'm his mother, aren't I?

Look, you two are very close.

Don't be rash, Christine.

Think things over before...

Think things over?

What the hell do you think I've been doing all my life?

Think before you act, look before you leap,

watch your step, watch your money, watch your, watch...

Watch your own shadow.

Yes, Dad, you're right.

Yes, Mom, I'm sorry.

Yes, Douglas, I went to the cleaner's.

Yes, you're right, Douglas, we can't take that fishing trip.

We have to have a plan, let's make a plan,

a plan for everything.

Yes, Madge, we run a tight little ship.

Oh, it's time for Jamie's bottle.

Don't shove it in his mouth, Douglas, look at the chart.

Is it time for his toilet training?

You're right, Douglas.

I could go less to the hairdresser,

perhaps just once a week.

We must eat out twice a week.

We should make love.

Once a week.

We run our family like a little corporation.

Now don't holler in front of Jamie

because Jamie understands everything.

We have to set an example.

Darling little Jamie, he's going to be a senator

because you're so brilliant, aren't you,

you goddamn little brat!

I shouldn't be talking like this.

I'm supposed to be the mother of the year.

I want out, I just...

Want to get off this goddamn merry-go-round.

I'm sorry, Peter, you want to tell me a funny story?

Hiya, Madge.

Jamie, you be careful of that.

Put that back.

This bust still isn't sold?

Shh.

You know that every day your mother reminds me

that we could have sold that to Jorgeson for $800?

I'm sure you'll get 12.

You know what?

I don't think I'd mind going into business with you.

Your sandwich is here.

And you're gonna be late for your lunch date.

Right.

See you later.

Okay.

Is it good?

What do you think of going to camp this summer?

Mommy, you know I don't like camps.

Well, how do you know?

You've never tried.

I know.

It's a waste of time.

Besides, I have to finish my film.

You can take your equipment with you.

It's a very good camp.

They specialize in painting and drama, water skiing,

and there'll be lots and lots of free time

to do whatever you want to do.

Isn't that expensive?

You don't have to worry about that.

Peter is going to make it a gift.

Was it his idea?

I think it's a good idea.

The camp is in Newbury, it's just two hours from home.

We can put you on the bus at the bus terminal

and the counselor will meet you on the other end,

it's as simple as that.

Do you want me to go?

I want you to do whatever will make you happy.

I think it's very nice of Peter, don't you?

We may go away at the same time.

Peter's been working awfully hard, you know?

Do you love me, Mommy?

Of course I love you, why?

Remember you once said you could love both of us?

I do love both of you.

Just because you're going to camp doesn't mean that we...

Doesn't mean that I don't love you.

My god, Jamie, you're all I've got in the world

besides Peter.

And if I don't want to go?

Well, you don't have to go.

You can come with us.

Besides, Peter will probably be talking to you

about it anyway.

So it's time to pay him back.

What did you say?

Nothing.

I'll go to camp.

Are you excited about camp?

I guess so.

Why guess?

Well, I don't know.

How long will you be gone?

Didn't my mother tell you?

No, she didn't.

I think you're angry with me.

Why should I be angry with you?

Alright, I'll answer your question.

I'll be at the camp for eight weeks.

When I come back, I'll be a fine painter, a great actor,

and a fabulous water skiier.

I'll be an exceptional child.

And don't forget, I was born by natural birth.

What does that mean?

My mother had me by natural birth.

How do you know about that?

I heard my mother telling Madge.

What'd you hear her say?

I don't remember it anymore.

Tell me everything that you think about it.

I don't remember it anymore.

I really don't remember!

I don't!

The pain, Madge, honestly, it was beautiful.

It was a wild...

Joy, a wonderful...

It was like an orgasm.

Oh, wow.

I never thought of it like that.

I mean, if it was a sexual experience for you, Chris,

then maybe it was a sexual experience for Jamie too.

What size wedge do you want?

The three by seven, the standard.

Oh yeah, one more thing.

Meet me at the terminal parking lot at eight, not 8:30.

And don't be late, alright?

Okay, okay, I'll be there.

Okay.

Do you want me to pack this blue shirt?

I'll write to you every day.

Yeah.

You'll take care of yourself, won't you?

You won't leave me, will you, Mommy?

Of course not, never.

No matter what happens?

What's gonna happen, darling?

You're gonna have a marvelous time.

I know.

We're gonna be fine, Mom.

Oh, Mom, I forgot my typewriter.

In the apartment?

Yeah, it'll only take me two minutes to pick it up.

No problem, I'll let you off here.

I've gotta keep circling the block, there's no parking.

I'll pick you up in front of the building.

Gate 18.

In the west terminal.

Coach to Catherine and,

boarding gate 125.

Real transit to...

We may drive to Newburg this weekend.

Can we?

Sure, why not?

You don't have to.

Well, I want to.

We're gonna miss you, Jamie.

Oh, Mom, I just remembered.

This afternoon, Jorgeson called.

He asked me to give you an important message.

What?

He told me to tell you he wants that bust,

no matter what the price.

He'll make a deal with you.

You should bring it over to him at the Hotel Park East

at eight.

Well, it's 12 minutes to eight now.

Well, can I drive you?

No, no, you stay here with Jamie and I'll take a cab.

Darling, you have a very good trip.

I love you very much.

Okay, enjoy yourself

and please take care of yourself, okay?

Good thing you told her.

Hey, what was the score on the Yankee game last night?

Yankees won three to two.

Three to two!

Oh, I left in the seventh inning.

What happened?

Will you take this, please?

Thank you.

Jamie.

Take it in case you need it.

I know I won't.

Take it.

No.

Okay.

Have a good time.

Bye.

Hey, I saw your mother.

She find a cab?

She seemed to be in a big hurry.

Where did she go?

Something urgent came up.

She had to go to the Park East Hotel.

Where to?

Good luck, whatever you are up to.

Thanks.

I hope you're not bumping off anyone.

Why not?

You're joking, chico.

Maybe.

Be here at 10.

Is that you, Jamie?

Is that you?

Hello, hello?

Hello, can anyone hear me?

Son of a bitch.

Jamie!

Jamie, op...

Jamie, open the door.

Jamie, I know you're in there.

This is crazy, now open the door!

You can't have your mother this way, Jamie!

Goddamn it, Jamie, open the door!

I'm sorry, I really don't believe you.

Why don't you go see for yourself?

Take your shoe off the couch, please.

If you believe this is so true,

then why didn't you just go

to the police yourself right away?

I didn't want to risk my.

Look, lady, I don't...

Please come to the desk.

Excuse me.

I've checked, Mrs. Simon, there is no Mr. Jorgeson here

at the hotel, and we have no reservation in his name.

Oh.

I can give you a ride.

Help!

Help!

Can anyone here me out there?

Fire!

Help, fire!

Help!

Jamie?

Jamie, come on, open the door, Jamie.

Jamie, you're not a murderer, are you?

Come on, Jamie, open the door.

Jamie!

Let me in, Jamie!

Jamie, please, Jamie!

Jamie!

Jamie.

You can't go in there, lady!

Jamie!

Jamie!

Peter, oh!

Help me, please, someone.

Peter.

Jamie!

Jamie!

Jamie!

Mommy, don't, don't!

Jamie, Jamie!

Jamie!

She's trapped!

We have get her.

Mom, answer me!

Mom!

Help.

Help.

Help!

Help, somebody!

Help!

Somebody help my mother!

His grandparents came yesterday,

but Jamie wouldn't see them.

He even stopped seeing Dr. Wilpert after one session.

Yeah, I know.

Are you going to stay around again all afternoon?

I don't know.

Why don't you stay away for a few weeks?

Give his wounds a little time to heal.

My own wounds to heal.

Thanks.

♪ You promise me a wish made on a star ♪

♪ Can really still come true

♪ And I wish you'd never go away ♪

♪ Please promise you will stay

♪ I promise too

♪ I promise you I'll never, never ever go away from you ♪