Original subtitles

Previously on Queen Of Oz...

ALL YELL

Oh, this poxy country. What now?

I get off work at nine, if you...

Why don't you just clock off now?

Yeah, I guess I could do that. Because you're fired. What?

And to shut me up, she gave me this.

Oh, no.

My new banknote's arrived. Exciting!

Desperate to see it? Maybe a little.

Ginger eyebrows?

Oh, well, they'll just have to destroy all those

and print the correct ones. The thing is... The notes have

already been printed and distributed to banks around the country.

Oh, well, if you can't do it, you can't do it.

Bye.

What do you reckon we roll our sleeves up and get our hands...

Nice and bloody?

I'm all in.

Who's ready for some roo burgers?

Ugh...

NEWSREADER: Incredible scenes of joy and jubilation

as thousands of people line the streets of Sydney,

craning their heads, hoping to catch

a glimpse of royalty.

We haven't seen a reception like this in...

Unbelievable.

He hasn't even been in the country five minutes

and they're already falling all over him.

The public has always loved your brother, Ma'am.

He's a dutiful son who serves his country with the grace and poise

that befits the heir to the throne.

Unlike others.

Everyone's just OK with him speaking to me like this, are they?

Of course they are.

Nobody even bothers standing any more.

Too late.

First stop for Prince Frederick will be a visit to his sister...

I had no idea Australia had this many people.

Do we know why he's here? Whatever it is, it isn't to say well done.

Nobody flies all this bloody way just to be nice.

Actually, my fiancee flew down... Actually, man-child, I don't care.

Nobody from my family, I mean.

When we want to be nice, we send flowers.

When we want to be pricks, we send Freddie.

The Queen, never far from controversy, now appears

to be taking advantage of young men on her staff.

Are you not embarrassed? Is that not embarrassing? Yeah.

It's off-putting.

You're all talking this morning on our text and phone line

about the Queen sleeping with one of her staff.

This is highly inappropriate.

Controversial, I'd say.

Hey, if they can get it, good on them. Go, the cougar.

She's sleeping with her footman?

Oh, my God. He's not getting paid enough for that, is he?

Bit creepy.

It just makes me want to dry retch. Ugh.

Yuck. My God.

Jesus, you sleep with one footman.

I believe the correct term is footperson.

And even that sounds demeaning.

There's nothing demeaning about shagging the Queen. Perhaps,

but you're going to visit an animal sanctuary for endangered species.

That's quite a segue. We need to change the narrative,

take the spotlight off the sleazy headlines and refocus them

on your positive qualities.

Excellent. Which are?

Well, your, erm...

My?

Your...

Go on.

Yeah, I can't think of any right now, but it'll be a great photo op.

It'll make you look more caring, more relatable.

You think me holding a pangolin will make me look more relatable?

I'm just working with what we've got. Really?

I'm just working with what we've got, Ma'am. Thank you.

Your Majesty. His Royal Highness Prince Frederick.

On a scale of one to ten, how sanctimonious does he look?

A solid 12.

Georgie, Georgie, little Georgie Porgie!

Freddie, Freddie, little wet the beddie.

Hi, Georgie.

Erm, actually, it's Your Majesty now.

Oh, of course.

Which technically means you have to bow.

Down here, Queen trumps Prince.

Your Majesty.

How are you?

As you see.

I see you still look like a slab of wet veal,

so that doesn't give me much to go on.

Oh, and I see you being shipped off to Australia

hasn't tempered your tongue. Oh, do shove it up your arse, Fred.

Why are you here?

You need to get married.

I need to get what now?

The Queen - you know, the actual Queen? - is formally

instructing you to get married.

All these sex romps and scandals, it's hurting the Crown.

Yeah. Of course.

It's when we royals get married that the scandals stop.

You're an embarrassment. What's new?

What's new?

You're getting married.

I most certainly am not.

"A royal wedding is our best, or perhaps only, chance

"to make the public like her."

That's a direct quote from Mummy.

She can't tell me how to live my life.

Exactly, that's what horoscopes are for.

It's bad enough I had to become an Australian,

she can't now make me marry one.

I think you'll find she can.

That's sort of how the monarchy works.

Now, the Palace has drawn up a list of potential candidates.

We need someone pliable, with a pedigree.

Royal Tinder? How very romantic.

I need a pedigree, my trotters are shot.

I don't really have to do this, do I?

Alas, Ma'am, real Queen trumps Australian Queen.

Now, this chap gets my vote.

Dylan Robinson, 50.

Venture capitalist. Never been married.

Suspicious. Well, you've never been married. Exactamundo.

Give me that.

Too short.

Too bald.

Too stupid.

None of which have ever disqualified a royal suitor.

Pinhead.

Meathead.

Doesn't give head.

How would you know?

Ugh, never mind.

Ginger? Absolutely not.

Not on a man.

All right, Fred, you've had your little bit of fun.

I'm not doing it.

Now, do us all a favour.

Piss off back to the motherland before your overbearing

horse of a wife and kids notice you're not there.

That's ridiculous!

I'm sure my private secretary's informed them.

Little Freddie Fuckster, eh?

That's what our grandfather used to call him.

Or Sally. Fred would answer both.

He always was a sorry excuse for the male species,

even by royal standards.

What did your grandfather call you?

His favourite grandson.

I miss him.

He was the only one who noticed me.

Isn't it hard not to notice you?

It is now.

Writing's on the wall for me, though.

I've kicked the can down the road too long.

They've backed me into a corner. Yeah? How's that?

By making me a bloody queen.

I hate it when that happens.

Like it or not, I've always had the might of the Palace behind me,

and in many ways it's protected me from myself.

Yet it's also made me the monster I am.

And they said therapy would be a waste of money.

Historically, the spares have always been a problem.

Did you ever read about the time me and Macaulay Culkin got arrested?

I did not. Exactly.

The stories they printed had nothing on the ones they covered up.

Good to have friends in high places.

Not friends. Family.

I owe them, and now it's time for me to pay my dues.

If there's a more romantic reason to get married, I'd like to hear it.

We can't all marry our childhood sweethearts and

live happily ever after, like you. I'm not married. Oh.

You always struck me as the marrying kind. I am, Ma'am.

I'm just not married yet.

That's fighting talk, you know I'm on the lookout.

Any royal lineage?

In high school, I worked at Donut King.

Hmm, I'm not sure that's quite going to cut it.

Shame.

# A pony once lived on a merry go round

# He went up, down, up down... #

Do you remember, when we were kids, the only way they could tempt us

out of the bath was with a hard-boiled egg on a spoon?

Oh, we loved our hard-boiled eggs.

So, the Anderson Animal Sanctuary... Do I have to speak?

Your speech will make a lot more sense if you do, Ma'am.

Excellent bants, Zoe. More of that, please.

The Anderson Animal Sanctuary is the pet project of Teddy Anderson,

who is a philanthropist, environmentalist

and animal conservationist. Bloody hell, Ted, pick a lane.

The sanctuary runs a specialised breeding programme

for endangered species.

Freddie's getting flashbacks to his honeymoon.

FREDDIE SNORTS

He's having that.

OK, so, after the speech, there'll be animals

there for you to interact with.

I will absolutely not be handling any animals.

Then why did you come, idiot?

To add some much needed decorum.

Having filthy, wild animals crawling all over me

doesn't quite fit the bill.

That is no way to talk about your wife.

I'm here all week.

You've turned yourself into a cheap sideshow.

Talking to the press, breaking royal protocols -

you're a bloody laughing stock.

Oh, lighten up, Sally. They love it down here,

it's called connecting with people.

Yes, and if you're not careful, these...people will think

you're just like them.

Well, this is awkward.

I mean, you clearly have no idea how to represent your crown.

Which, incidentally, starts with the Queen not chewing gum.

You're absolutely right.

Soz.

We will leave promptly at noon, and then later,

you will have your weekly audience with the Prime Minister.

Oh, God. That came around quick.

MANY PHONE ALERTS AT ONCE

Oh, hello.

Either someone's smuggled in a microwave or

another bloody story's been leaked.

Well, it wasn't me. I don't even know how to use a microwave.

"Georgie plans to wed after secret romance."

What? Planning to wed?

What the actual fuck, Zoe?

Well, it didn't come from us, obviously.

Well, we thought it best to chivvy things along.

We? The royal we. Literally.

MOCKING: "The royal we. Literally."

You snivelling shit pig! Ow!

You shit pig! Ow! Stop it!

What are you doing?!

Stop it!

"The royal we! The royal we! Literally!" Aargh!

BOTH: How do you do?

Thank you so much for coming. It's certain to help shine

a spotlight on all the work that we do here.

It's wonderful to be here. We're great admirers.

Oh.

Do you care for the animals yourself?

I don't work here myself, as such. Not that I consider this work,

I do it more for the feels. You know, personal gain.

Just so great to be able to give back.

I'm sure you know what I mean.

Shall we?

NEWSREADER: We're just hearing word from a source close to Her Majesty

that she's to wed later this year...

And some bombshell news just to hand,

straight from Macquarie House...

The Queen is getting married.

Who's going to marry her?

If she wants to marry a neo-Nazi, if she wants to marry

a Russian oligarch, if she wants to marry a cousin

and the children are all inbred and they're our future royals,

we have a right to know.

We understand that Queen Georgie is about to hold a press conference

at the Anderson Animal Sanctuary. Perhaps we'll find out

some details of who this mysterious groom-to-be is.

We'll cross there in just a few moments time.

So, Teddy, you're much better looking than most philanthropists.

Well, thank you, Ma'am. You're much better looking than most queens.

Boom. We're off to a flying start.

So, I hear congratulations are in order?

Why, have I won this week's Lotto?

If you don't mind me asking,

how are you feeling about your upcoming nuptials?

I can assure you, just as surprised as everyone else.

Well, who's the lucky man?

As soon as I find out, I'll let you know.

Hang on, are you telling me you don't know who you're marrying?

No.

You're in your own episode of Married At First Sight.

As we speak, the experts are trawling through reams of data,

searching for a suitable Australian groom.

Well, they haven't contacted me yet.

Well, they're probably working in alphabetical order

and haven't got to zookeeper.

Yes, zookeeper and distant cousin to a Danish prince.

How do you like them apples? Ugh, Danish? No, thanks.

And what's wrong with the Danes?

Ugh, I mean, they're just so, "Hurdy-gurdy-gurdy.

"Look at me, I'm Danish."

If that's supposed to be the chef from The Muppets,

you know that he's Swedish, right? Ugh, same thing.

Just to reiterate, these are highly sensitive creatures,

so no loud noises, no flash photography, no sudden movements,

anything that might spook them.

Just to reiterate, she's talking about me and Fred, not the animals.

LAUGHTER

When's the wedding, Ma'am?

Goodness me, we're straight out of the traps this morning.

Someone's had their Weet-Bix.

So, who's the mystery fella then?

Hopefully, one of the Hemsworths. The mystery is, which one?

LAUGHTER

Look at this one!

It's two for the price of one today, kids,

so don't waste all your questions on me.

Look at that! FRED CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Ah, hello. Yes.

And don't let the stiff demeanour fool you, this one loves a chat.

How are you enjoying your trip, sir? Oh, splendid.

Yes. Yeah, it's, ah...splendid.

What did I tell you? Hashtag bants. LAUGHTER

All day long.

Who is this little treasure?

This is Binky.

He is one of 30 koalas we have here, rescued after the fires.

They are stubborn little creatures but as he only eats

eucalyptus leaves, he's kind of zonked out all day.

So, cute, stubborn and stoned.

My nickname in high school.

LAUGHTER

Would you like a hold, Ma'am?

Oh, I couldn't possibly hog this bundle of fluff

when Fred's come all this way just for a cuddle.

I don't think so. Oh, come on, Fred.

Who would like to see the heir to the British throne

show Binky a wittle wuv?

ALL ENCOURAGE HIM

Yes, go on. Please, Sir, yes!

Oh, yes, Sir, yes, Sir!

Well, you're in my country now, Fred, and as your Queen,

I absolutely command it. Come on.

Hello...hello, Binky.

Oh, I think he likes you, Fred.

FRED WHIMPERS

Let's just hope Binky's up to date with his chlamydia shots.

"Let's just hope Binky is up to date with his chlamydia shots"?!

You said that to the press while I had a koala bear sitting on my face!

Well, I hope you bought him a drink first. Enough!

Your perpetual resentment of me clearly knows no bounds.

I mean, not content with making yourself a laughing stock

on the world stage, you seem hell- bent on dragging me down with you!

You're right, it was out of order

and entirely the wrong message to send.

There is no shot for chlamydia.

Go on, laugh it up, Georgie Porgie.

But you've backed yourself into a corner now.

You've just lost the right to choose your own husband.

You can't tell me who to marry. Too late.

I'm not getting stuck in a loveless marriage. Isn't that your thing?

The equation's very simple - get married or you're out of the family.

Don't tease me. Completely cut off.

No support whatsoever. I can make my own money.

I have useful talents. Yeah, getting wasted is not a talent.

I and my fellow Australians would beg to differ.

Listen to me very carefully, Georgiana.

You need this family far more than we need you.

So knuckle down and pick a dress.

Fuck. You.

Open the fucking door!

CHUCKLING: Door idiot!

Right, you lot, listen up.

Let's clear her schedule to announce the engagement

for three weeks' time. Someone said yes?

Is he poor? Is he ugly?

The when is more important than the who.

So, let's push on as if someone has.

Now, you'll need to set up an exclusive interview.

And she's agreed to all of this?

No, but she will when she's calmed down.

He must be poor and ugly. Where is the Queen now?

Oh, stomping about in the garden like the overgrown child she is,

I expect. She'll be back in soon.

But if she isn't, hard boil a couple of eggs.

She's like a heat-seeking missile.

REGGAE VERSION OF "GEORGIE PORGIE" PLAYS

# Kissed the girls and made them cry, I don't know why

# Oh, why, why, why

# When the girls came out to play

# Georgie Porgie ran away... #

DOG BARKS

Oh!

You all must bring your A-game.

A royal wedding must run like clockwork.

Sir, we've searched the entire premises, she's nowhere to be found.

Trust me, I can guarantee you she'll be hiding in the grounds,

waiting for us to run after her.

Oh, my God, we've actually lost the Queen.

Thank you. What if she's hurt? What if she's kidnapped?

What if she's hungry?

Do you serve anything that doesn't taste of a feral cat's urine?

Don't think so.

Then I'll have another, thank you.

You look familiar, darl. Do I know you?

I doubt it.

Unless we go to the same AA group.

That's it! How are you?

Bonza. Or ripper.

CHUCKLING: Good on ya, love. You want to...?

No, I don't. Leave me alone. Got it?

Loud and clear, darl. Loud and clear.

HOARSELY: I mean, that's like pipe cleaner.

Well, isn't this wizard?

Everyone running around looking for her sorry arse.

How fucking selfish.

I'll put out an immediate alert.

You'll do no such thing. I'm in charge here.

We're wasting precious time, we need to alert the feds.

Absolutely not.

It cannot get back to the Palace that she's gone missing.

Oh, my dear boy. How very foolish of you to believe that the Palace

won't get wind of this within the hour.

And that it's has happened on your watch, to boot.

I can only imagine your mother's wrath.

Find her!

HECTIC PUNK MUSIC PLAYS

You're my best friend and you're my best friend...

More cat piss, please, sir.

# She's a piss pot through and through... #

That is good.

That's the good stuff, sir.

Down!

Three things Australian.

Tim Tams, tinnies...dingos.

Ugh! Ha-ha! Your turn, your turn!

TRANQUIL PAN-PIPE MUSIC

PUNK RESUMES

This is my pub.

These are my friends.

And you are not welcome here.

Who do you think you are?!

Security cameras have her slipping out the back entrance.

This is low-key exciting.

Ow!

Low-key exciting? The Queen is missing!

Oh, has that happened too?

ALL: Alice, who the fuck is Alice?!

I've had that one. I've had that one.

I've had that one. Jerk.

That's what they call it, jerk.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, it would be you who finds me. My money was on Marc.

What's that face doing? Is that relief or disgust?

I'm torn. It's mostly relief. Oh, is it?

Definitely disgust.

Oh! Well, that's good, because we're not sharing.

OK, we need to get you out of here, it's not safe.

Oh, no worries, darl.

I've got my own security.

Wendy's got my back, don't you, love?!

Abso-fucking-tootly!

SHE MIMICS WENDY WITHOUT WORDS

Where do these people come from?

Mmm-hmm. We need to go, Ma'am.

That brother of mine must be pretty scared.

He's on his third pair of pants.

Perfect.

OK, I need to tell the others we're here. No, no, no.

I do not want to go. I can't go home yet!

Ken and I haven't had our nachos.

Oh, OK. I don't know about Ken...

He's my best friend. Fine. That's my hat. Not true.

But you're the Queen of Australia... Thank you.

..and you're in the middle of a dive bar. Yeah.

So, I'm really sorry, but I need to get you home.

Oh, shut up.

What the fuck? Zoe, one drink.

No. Drink with me. No!

Drink with us. Absolutely not.

No, no, no, of course not, Mummy, I can't imagine who's told you that.

No, no, look, look, look - rest assured, she'll be sulking

in a corner, waiting to be cajoled out of one of her moods.

What? CHUCKLING: Oh, yes, yes.

Nothing a few hard-boiled eggs won't fix, eh?

Yes. Yes, all right, Mummy.

All right, love you. Bye-bye. Mwah-mwah. Bye.

How can this be happening?!

I was exactly the same when I got here.

You mean the seasons being reversed thing?

What? I don't believe it either.

Ah, Bernard, for the love of God, tell me there's some news.

Indeed there is, Sir.

The Prime Minister's here for her weekly audience with the Queen.

You, baby hands, go and stall her.

Me? With what?

Just...! Just do it!

OK.

Love you, Andy!

Alcohol's the best, I don't know why I don't drink it more.

I know why. May I speak freely? Go on.

You are a narcissistic, insensitive, bile-ridden...

Not as freely as that. ..overbearing, undereducated,

first-class bitch.

Good talk. But I will say this...

I would urge you to reconsider.

..after seeing the way your family treats you,

beginning to understand why.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Are we done?

Abso-fucking-tootly!

Excellent.

Now, let's get ruined! Whoo!

So, yeah, you can appreciate, it's been very stressful.

She has never behaved like this before

and the worry is that she has gone completely off the rails.

I'm sure your fiancee will be in touch soon.

Long-distance relationships can be very testing.

I had these handmade out of my grandmother's...

Yes, I wish you all the best.

Now, will the Queen be very much longer?

I do have a country to run.

CHUCKLING: I do apologise, Prime Minister.

Perhaps we can reschedule?

Her Majesty has been unavoidably delayed.

Hmm, so it would seem.

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES POINTEDLY

MATTHEW CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Whoo! I hope that's your Taser, cobber. Ha-ha!

Aw, no.

Well, I'd like to say it's a first, but it's not.

Oh, hello, Marky-Marc, with a C!

You've missed a hell of a party!

Hands up if you've just been arrested for buying cocaine from

an undercover police officer?

Just us, then?

Oh, and you're here. Excellent.

Your Majesty.

Another proud day for the monarchy.

Isn't it just?

Don't worry, I'm sure this can all be sorted.

Nothing the men in grey haven't seen before.

Isn't that right, Fred? Are you out of your tiny, addled mind?

And you thought we'd reached the nadir when

that koala sat on your face.

Have you any idea of the damage...? I'll marry the zookeeper.

I may live in a gilded cage

but I'll decide what colour the bars are painted.

You got what you came for, Sally.

So, if we're all square,

be a good boy and get the fuck out of my country.

Ooh.

Somebody should probably let Teddy know he's pulled.

# Don't look back in to the sun

# Now you know the time has come

# And they said it would never come for you, oh-oh-oh

# Oh, my friend, you haven't changed

# You're looking rough and living strange

# And I know you got a taste for it too, oh-oh-oh

# They'll never forgive you but they won't let you go, oh, no

# She'll never forgive you but she won't let you go, oh, no

# Don't look back into the sun

# You've cast your pearls but you're on the run

# And all the lies you said, who did you save?

# And then they played that song at the Death Disco

# It started fast but it ends so slow

# And all the time... #

GEORGIE GASPS AND COUGHS

Anabel, get me a towel!

And someone get me an egg cup.