Original subtitles

I just ate a bag

of cheese boodles

without using my hands.

Lazy Tuesday, you are

delivering in a big way.

Yeah, it's nice

to finally have a day

where nothing interesting

happens whatsoever.

[screaming]

Everyone get down!

Don't let it taste

human flesh.

- What is it?

- Can we keep it?

Kill it, kill it!

Patience.

[growling, screeching]

Gotcha!

Great. Now get it

outta here.

Smells like if death

could barf.

Grunkle Ford,

need any help with that?

I've read all about

these creatures in your journal,

- and I think I--

- No!

I'm sorry, Dipper.

On the dark, weird road

I travel,

I'm afraid you

cannot follow.

Well, call me for dinner.

Maybe next time then?

Or not.

Or never.

Oh, Dipper, don't

take it so hard.

No, do take it hard.

Take it hard

and serious.

My brother is

a dangerous know-it-all

and the stuff he's messing

with is even worse.

Do yourself a favor and stay

away from him, you hear me?

But Grunkle Stan,

all summer long,

I've wanted to know who

the author of the journal was.

Now the guy lives

in our basement,

and I can't even

talk to him.

Don't worry about

what's on the basement.

- You belong up here with me and Mabel.

- Yeah!

Besides, the season finale

of Duck-tective is Friday.

That's all the mystery

you need this week.

Come on, quack

with us, Dipper.

Quack, quack, quack.

Yeah. Quack, quack, quack.

[both quacking]

[quacking continues]

Quack, quack, quack!

Why isn't he quacking?

♪♪

Dear Mom and Dad,

we've been in Gravity Falls

for a few months,

and so much has happened.

Just yesterday,

gravity reversed itself,

almost destroyed

the universe,

and totally wrecking

the whole town.

They say it was

an earthquake,

but you know what I think?

I think I'm gonna

have to start serving

pineapple

right-side up cake.

[laughs]

Am I right?

Am I right?

Let the rebuilding

of the town begin.

Wrecking ball,

start wrecking things.

[laughs]

The coolest part

of the summer

was Grunkle Stan's

twin brother

came out of

this portal thingy

Now we have two grunkles

for the price of one.

And they are adorable

together.

"We love each other

so much!"

[kissing sounds]

Mabel, you'll never guess

what I found

at the store today.

Dogs. Dogs with hats!

No. It's my favorite

fantasy-talking, level-counting,

statistics and graph-paper

involving game of all time:

Dungeons, Dungeons,

and More Dungeons!

You wanna play it

with me?

Well, I do like uniforms,

and that hot elf

looks promising.

- How do you play?

- The rules are simple.

First, you roll

a 38-sided die

to determine the level

of each player's

statistical analysis

power orb.

These orbs relate directly

to the amount of power quadrants

that your tem

has dominion over,

which is inverse to

the anti-quadrants

in your quadrant satchel.

And then

we ride unicorns?

- Yes!

- [gasps]

And no.

First, we make a graph.

[groans]

This is like Homework the Game.

Come on, Mabel. I need at least

two people to play.

Oh, wow,

would you look at that?

Two people.

Hey, Soos, up for a little game of

D & D & More D?

Sorry, Dipper, I don't

go in for

that pen-and-paper

kinda stuff.

- I'm more of an FCLORP-er.

- A what?

FCLORP.

Foam & Cardboard Legitimate

Outdoor Role Playing.

It is where a passionate

brethren of craftsmen

bring their dreams

to magical reality.

Let yon priestess go,

Elf Mage.

Never, Paladin

Radmaster.

Fireball, fireball,

fireball.

I'm a fortress.

Well, thanks

anyways, Soos.

Say, is this that game

that's mostly math and writing

and isn't anything like

the picture on the box?

Yes, it is! You wanna

play with me, Grunkle Stan?

Ha! Look, kid, I prefer

to do my dice rolling in Vegas.

Besides, only a game

designed by nerds

would have "Charisma"

as a fantasy power.

Check this out.

"When facing

yon adversaries,

shield thyself under

an elfan buttress."

Ha ha, say it again.

- Buttress.

- [both laughing]

Hey, laugh all you want.

You guys just aren't

smart enough to understand it.

Sorry, dude, but it is

kinda nerdy.

Well, I'm off to lay siege

to a goblin fortress.

To my grandma's backyard!

[sighs]

Oh, nice, you rolled a 17.

- [bleats]

- And this is sad.

Maybe I should start obsessing

over Wendy again.

- [crunching]

- Hey, give it back.

Come on, Gompers.

Let go.

Oh, man, my 38-sided die!

Dipper, stop!

Great-uncle Ford.

What did I say

about coming down here?

My work is far too dangerous

for a single living soul

to spend even one second--

Wait. Is that

a 38-sided die

from Dungeons, Dungeons,

And More Dungeons?

Yeah. You know that game?

With pen and paper,

shield and sword...

[both]...our quest shall be

our sweet reward!

[laughing]

This is my favorite game

in the whole multi-verse.

I can't believe

they still make it.

They do, and I've been

looking all day

for someone

to play with me.

My boy, do you know

what this means?

We must stop everything

I've been working on at once,

and play!

That's going

to leave a mark.

Okay, I think we've got

everything we need to watch

the season finale of

Duck-tective tomorrow.

I even made mouth ramps

so we can pour food

into our mouths

without taking our eyes

off the screen.

[chewing loudly]

And I recreated

the main character

out of spare

taxidermy parts.

Quack, quack,

I'm the duck detective.

Who stole my bread loaf?

[both laughing]

That is so messed up.

Dipper would love that.

Yeah, where is

the little squirt anyway?

I haven't seen him

all afternoon.

All right, you

enter the chamber.

Princess Unattainabelle

beckons you.

- But wait, it's a trap.

- [gasps]

An illusion cast by

Probabilitor the Annoying.

You know his weakness, right?

[both] Prime statistical

anomalies over 37

but not exceeding 51.

Yes! In your face,

you cardboard wizard.

Hmm, the old boy looks

a bit different

than he did back in my day.

Yeah, they change the art

every few years.

Thankfully, you missed

the period

when the creators of the game

tried to make it "cooler."

Man, this game

is boring.

You dare challenge

Probabilitizzle?

♪ Put the cat back

and roll the dice ♪

♪ Don't step to the wizard

'cause the wizard... ♪

...updated for

the nine double-deuce!

- Available wherever dope games are sold.

- Peace!

[shudders] Must've been

dark times, those '90s.

Sounds like a good time

to be stuck between dimensions.

Great-uncle Ford,

I've been meaning to ask you.

Where were you before

you came out of that machine,

and what have you

been doing down here?

Are you working on something

behind that curtain?

Dipper, it's best if

you and the family

stay away from

that subject.

Honestly, I'm not sure any of you

could handle the real answer.

- But I could handle it.

- Ah!

But I can show you

a little something

I brought back with me.

An infinity-sided die.

[Dipper gasps]

That's so cool...

and impossible.

These things are outlawed

in 9,000 dimensions.

Wanna know why?

Look at those symbols.

Infinite sides means

infinite outcomes.

If I rolled it,

anything could happen.

Our faces could

melt into jelly.

The world could

turn into an egg.

Or you could just

roll an eight. Who knows?

That's why I have to keep it in

this protective cheap plastic case.

Now, back to the game.

You've got Probabilitor

on the ropes.

[Dipper] Oh, man.

Then if I drag it here,

and then a plus-three--

Dipper, are you gonna

go to sleep?

You've been saying

dork words for hours.

Sorry, Mabel.

I gotta finish this dungeon.

It's gonna totally stump

Great-uncle Ford tomorrow.

I can't wait to see

the look on his face.

You're, uh, spending a lot of time

with old Fordsie lately, huh?

You have no idea.

I knew the author

must be cool,

but he's better

than I imagined.

And he doesn't make fun

of me all the time,

the way you

and Grunkle Stan do.

Give him time.

Hi-oh!

Ah, you got me.

You got me.

Thanks for coming over

to watch tonight's

Duck-tective

finale, Grenda.

Of course. I'm so invested

in the life of these characters.

Hey, hey,

look at you.

Someone's

all dressed up.

It's a big night.

I think we all remember

where we were

when we learned

Duck-tective was shot.

[clock strikes]

Viewing positions,

everyone!

Ahh! Graph paper.

Kill it, kill it!

Dipper, could you maybe

move this to another room?

No dice.

We ran out of room

in the basement

and we're going for

a world record.

Now dice!

Thirty-two.

- Yes! 7,000 points damage.

- You got me.

Why with this?

Wanna break

a record, Ford?

You already got it for

world's nerdiest old man.

Hey, at least I'm not all keyed

up to watch a kids' show.

I'll have you know

that Duck-tective

has a big mystery element,

and a lot of humor

that goes over kids' heads.

I don't get

a lot of it,

but I like animals

in human situation.

Grunkle Stan,

it starts in a few minutes.

Move that

and pay the price.

Oh, what, 50 magical

dwarf dollars?

Don't mock our fantastical

monetary system.

I'll mock all I want.

It's my TV room.

It's my house!

You...

Listen, Stanley,

did it ever occur to you

that if you joined us,

you might actually have fun?

What? Now you listen to me.

As long as I live,

I will never—

- Grunkle Stan, wait.

- Ever.

- Stanley!

- Play your smarty-pants nerd game.

No!

Mortals of Dimension 46

Apostrophe Backflash.

Kneel before me and...

Snivel.

I am Probabilitor,

the greatest wizard

in all mathology,

give or take

an error of 0.4.

Is this normal?

Have you come to send us

on the quest of a lifetime,

because we're the smartest

players you've ever met?

You are the smartest

players I've ever met.

That's why I'm going

to eat your brains,

to gain your intelligence.

It's what I do.

- It's his thing.

- What?!

Seize them!

Your math is no match

for my gun, you idiot.

Math ray!

I'm not here to play games.

Now to the forest

for the ultimate game.

So the room's

free now.

- Who wants to watch Duck-tective?

- [squeaks]

Nobody?

More couch for Grenda.

Oh, no. That crazy wizard

is gonna eat

our brother's brain.

We have to stop him.

Maybe let him get a couple

of bites in Ford's brain first.

Even things out,

smartness-wise.

- Grunkle Stan!

- All right, all right.

I guess if we have

no other choice,

we'll go on a...

[sighs]

epic wizard quest.

- [cheering]

- Everyone grab a weapon.

Nice.

We're coming

for you, Dipper.

And Great-uncle Ford.

And possibly

that hot elf,

if he's got anything

to do with this.

[laughing]

With each brain

I eat,

I shall increase

my enchant-elligence.

If my hands were free,

I'd break every part

of your face.

The time has come.

Hot elf, ready

the brain-cooking pot.

Uh, yes, Probabilitor.

We must be getting close.

These fairy bites

are getting more frequent.

Hey, look, listen.

Halt! You interlopers

are trespassing

on the ancient forest

of Probabilitor the wizard.

If ye wish to pass,

first ye must complete

seven unworldly quests,

each more difficult

than the last.

Is he... dead?

He's magic, sweetie.

I'm sure he's fine.

There's no cops

in the forest.

We take this

to our graves.

[laughing]

- What do we do, what do we do?

- Stop thinking, Dipper.

The more wrinkled

your brain gets,

the more he'll

wanna eat it.

And now, a little

math problem.

When I subtract

your brain from your skull,

add salt and divide your family,

what's the remainder?

[Mabel] Your butt!

What? My butt isn't part of

this particular equation.

[all roaring]

Drat! How did you make it

past my one guard?

Very well.

There's only one way

your family can save you.

You must defeat me

in Dungeons, Dungeons,

And More Dungeons,

real life edition!

[maniacal laughter]

What? Oh, come on.

I choose my characters

versus...

[gasping]

Yours.

Oh, my ears.

They're so pointy.

There better be

something protective

under this tunic.

Oh, no, there isn't.

Seriously?

Can't we just, like,

arm wrestle or something?

Come on, this game

is a lot of fun.

I had my mom

pack me a lunch.

Ew, apple slices?

I'll eat you last.

Just make with

the rules, ugly.

The game is

a battle royale.

We help our characters

by casting spells

determined by

rolls of the dice.

If you win, I go

back to my own dimension.

But if I win,

I eat their brains.

Hey, I'm not sure

this is such a good—

- Deal!

- Oh, boy.

Let the game begin!

Attack!

What do we do?

What are our moves?

There are no moves.

You make them up.

What? Really?

Yes. I tried to tell you.

This game involves math,

but also risk and imagination.

- Risk!

- Imagination?!

Grunkle Stan, make something up.

It's just like lying.

I cast... uh...

[groans]

Shield of shielding.

Ha! We're doin' it.

Shield of shielding

reversal spell.

I cast giggle time

bouncy boots.

Hot flame-y sword.

Super-hot flame-y sword!

No!

Drat you.

You'll never outrun my...

Ogre-nado. It is what

it sounds like.

I cast Centaur-taur! Yah!

Mabel, I am so confused

and so proud right now.

[cheering]

Ha ha ha, yes!

I was saving

the worst for last.

Oh, no.

The impossi-beast.

Hey, I thought

they banned this character.

Think again. I'm playing

the controversial

1991-1992 edition.

I'll think of some weapons.

You don't understand.

This is the most powerful

monster in the game.

He can only be defeated

by rolling a perfect 38.

But the odds of that are--

Hey, long odds

are what you want

when you're

a world-class gambler.

All right, Stan,

you can do this.

Papa needs

a new pair of...

twins!

No!!

Sorry, nerd wizard.

All of your smarts

are no match for dumb luck.

I cast Death Muffins!

[both] Yes!

Ha ha ha!

The game is, like, over.

Excelsi-whatever.

No! I'm returning to

my own realm.

I'm turning into

pure math.

What are the odds?!

Grunkle Stan,

that was amazing.

How did you know

that you would win?

Hey, a gambler never reveals

his secrets.

Man, that was fun

for ages eight to 80.

Or a million or however

old you guys are.

You know, I'm sorry for

making fun of your game, kiddo.

Sure, it might be

too nerdy for me,

but it's just the right

amount of nerdy

for you and my brother.

And if you two

wanna hang out sometimes,

I won't get in your way.

Actually, after all that,

I could use

a little mindless fun.

Guys, we can watch the second

showing of Duck-tective.

- It's not too late.

- [squeaks]

I just don't understand

who shot you.

The only person clever enough

to defeat Duck-tective

is... [gasps]

Duck-tective.

He had a twin brother

all along?

That's the big twist

we were waiting for?

What a rip-off.

I predicted that,

like, a year ago.

This will be here

if you ever need it.

Really? Even though I got us into

the whole game-playing mess?

Ah, we both got

carried away.

I guess we'd both gone for

a while without a friend.

Dipper, can I

tell you something?

You asked me earlier

what I was working on.

Well...

I dismantled

the portal.

An inter-dimensional

gateway is too dangerous

for the world

it feeds into.

That's why I was

mad at Stan for using it.

He saved me,

but as I feared,

the instability

of the machine created this.

An inter-dimensional rift.

I've contained it for now,

but it's

incredibly dangerous.

Dipper, I don't want you

to tell anyone about this.

Not Stan, not even

your sister.

- Do you understand?

- Oh, of course.

In my time, I've made

many powerful enemies.

But I trust you

with this secret.

Now get yourself

to bed.

I have much research

to do.

Good night,

Great-uncle Ford.

Good night, Dipper.

Guys, do you ever think

maybe we're doin' this

'cause our lives

aren't special enough?

That we use fantasy as

an escape to avoid

the self-improvement

we all need?

That maybe we should

just go out

and grow with people?

Fortresses can't

speak.

I'm a fortress.

Does anyone

wanna rescue him?

- Ah, I'm tired.

- I'm good.

Long day.

♪ Don't step to the wizard ♪

♪ 'cause the wizard

don't play nice ♪