Original subtitles

I just ate a bag of cheese boodles

without using my hands.

Lazy Tuesday, you are delivering in a big way.

Yeah, it's nice to finally have a day

where nothing interesting happens whatsoever.

[screaming]

Everyone get down!

Don't let it taste human flesh.

- What is it? - Can we keep it?

Kill it, kill it!

Patience.

[growling, screeching]

Gotcha!

Great. Now get it outta here.

Smells like if death could barf.

Grunkle Ford, need any help with that?

I've read all about these creatures in your journal,

- and I think I-- - No!

I'm sorry, dipper-

On the dark, weird road I travel,

I'm afraid you cannot follow.

Well, call me for dinner.

Maybe next time then? Or not.

Or never.

Oh, Dipper, don't take it so hard.

No, do take it hard.

Take it hard and serious.

My brother is a dangerous know-it-all

and the stuff he's messing with is even worse.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from him, you hear me?

But Grunkle Stan, all summer long,

I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was.

Now the guy lives in our basement,

and I can't even talk to him.

Don't worry about what's on the basement.

- You belong up here with me and Mabel. - Yeah!

Besides, the season finale of Duck-tective is Friday.

That's all the mystery you need this week.

Come on, quack with us, Dipper.

Quack, quack, quack.

Yeah. Quack, quack, quack.

[both quacking]

[quacking continues]

Quack, quack, quack!

Why isn't he quacking?

S'?

Dear Mom and Dad,

we've been in Gravity Falls for a few months,

and so much has happened.

Just yesterday, gravity reversed itself,

almost destroyed the universe,

and totally wrecking the whole town.

They say it was an earthquake,

but you know what I think?

I think I'm gonna have to start serving

pineapple right-side up cake.

[laughs] Am I right?

Am I right?

Let the rebuilding of the town begin.

Wrecking ball, start wrecking things.

[laughs]

The coolest part of the summer

was Grunkle Stan's twin brother

came out of this portal thingy

Now we have two grunkles for the price of one.

And they are adorable together. I

"We love each other so much!"

[kissing sounds]

Mabel, you'll never guess what I found

at the store today.

Dogs. Dogs with hats!

No. It's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting,

statistics and graph-paper involving game of all time:

Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!

You wanna play it with me?

Well, I do like uniforms,

and that hot elf looks promising.

- How do you play? - The rules are simple.

First, you roll a 38-sided die

to determine the level of each player's

statistical analysis power orb.

These orbs relate directly to the amount of power quadrants

that your tem has dominion over,

which is inverse to the anti-quadrants

in your quadrant satchel.

And then we ride unicorns?

- Yes! - [gasps]

And no.

First, we make a graph.

[groans] This is like Homework the Game.

Come on, Mabel. I need at least two people to play.

Oh, wow, would you look at that?

Two people.

Hey, Soos, up for a little game of D & D & More D?

Sorry, Dipper, I don't go in for

that pen-and-paper kinda stuff.

- I'm more of an FCLORP-er. - A what?

FCLORP.

Foam & Cardboard Legitimate Outdoor Role Playing.

It is where a passionate brethren of craftsmen

bring their dreams to magical reality.

Let yon priestess go, Elf Mage.

Never, Paladin Rad master.

Fireball, fireball, fireball.

I'm a fortress.

Well, thanks anyways, Soos.

Say, is this that game that's mostly math and writing

and isn't anything like the picture on the box?

Yes, it is! You wanna play with me, Grunkle Stan?

Ha! Look, kid, I prefer to do my dice rolling in Vegas.

Besides, only a game designed by nerds

would have "Charisma" as a fantasy power.

Check this out.

"When facing yon adversaries,

shield thyself under an elfan buttress."

Ha ha, say it again.

- Buttress. - [both laughing]

Hey, laugh all you want.

You guys just aren't smart enough to understand it.

Sorry, dude, but it is kinda nerdy.

Well, I'm off to lay siege to a goblin fortress.

To my grandma's backyard!

[sighs]

Oh, nice, you rolled a 17.

- [bleats] - And this is sad.

Maybe I should start obsessing over Wendy again.

- [crunching] - Hey, give it back.

Come on, Gompers. Let go.

Oh, man, my 38-sided die!

Dipper, stop!

Great-uncle Ford.

What did I say about coming down here?

My work is far too dangerous for a single living soul

to spend even one second--

Wait. Is that a 38-sided die

from Dungeons, Dungeons, And More Dungeons?

Yeah. You know that game?

With pen and paper, shield and sword...

[both] ...our quest shall be our sweet reward!

[laughing]

This is my favorite game in the whole multi-verse.

I can't believe they still make it.

They do, and I've been looking all day

for someone to play with me.

My boy, do you know what this means?

We must stop everything I've been working on at once,

and DEV'-!

That's going to leave a mark.

Okay, I think we've got everything we need to watch

the season finale of Duck-tective tomorrow.

I even made mouth ramps

so we can pour food into our mouths

without taking our eyes off the screen.

[chewing loudly]

And I recreated the main character

out of spare taxidermy parts.

Quack, quack, I'm the duck detective.

Who stole my bread loaf?

[both laughing]

That is so messed up.

Dipper would love that.

Yeah, where is the little squirt anyway?

I haven't seen him all afternoon.

All right, you enter the chamber.

Princess Unattainabelle beckons you.

- But wait, it's a trap. ' [gasps]

An illusion cast by Probabilitor the Annoying.

You know his weakness, right?

[both] Prime statistical anomalies over 37

but not exceeding 51.

Yes! In your face,

you cardboard wizard.

Hmm, the old boy looks a bit different

than he did back in my day.

Yeah, they change the art every few yea rs.

Thankfully, you missed the period

when the creators of the game tried to make it "cooler."

Man, this game is boring.

You dare challenge Probabilitizzle?

♪ Put the cat back and roll the dice a'

♪ Don't step to the wizard 'cause the wizard... r

...updated for the nine double-deuce!

- Available wherever dope games are sold. - Peace!

[shudders] Must've been dark times, those '90s.

Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions.

Great-uncle Ford, I've been meaning to ask you.

Where were you before you came out of that machine,

and what have you been doing down here?

Are you working on something behind that curtain?

Dipper, it's best if you and the family

stay away from that subject.

Honestly, I'm not sure any of you could handle the real answer.

- But I could handle it. - Ah!

But I can show you a little something

I brought back with me.

An infinity-sided die.

[Dipper gasps]

That's so cool... and impossible.

These things are outlawed in 9,000 dimensions.

Wanna know why? Look at those symbols.

Infinite sides means infinite outcomes.

If I rolled it, anything could happen.

Our faces could melt into jelly.

The world could turn into an egg.

Or you could just roll an eight. Who knows?

That's why I have to keep it in this protective cheap plastic case.

Now, back to the game.

You've got Probabilitor on the ropes.

[Dipper] Oh, man.

Then if I drag it here, and then a plus-three--

Dipper! are YOU gonna 90 to sleep?

You've been saying dork words for hours.

Sorry, Mabel. I gotta finish this dungeon.

It's gonna totally stump Great-uncle Ford tomorrow.

I can't wait to see the look on his face.

You're, uh, spending a lot of time with old Fordsie lately, huh?

You have no idea.

I knew the author must be cool,

but he's better than I imagined.

And he doesn't make fun of me all the time,

the way you and Grunkle Stan do.

Give him time.

Hi-oh!

Ah, you got me.

You got me.

Thanks for coming over to watch tonight's

Duck-tective finale, Grenda.

Of course. I'm so invested in the life of these characters.

Hey, hey, look at you.

Someone's all dressed up.

It's a big night.

I think we all remember where we were

when we learned Duck-tective was shot.

[clock strikes]

Viewing positions, everyone!

Ahh! Graph paper. Kill it, kill it!

Dipper, could you maybe move this to another room?

No dice.

We ran out of room in the basement

and we're going for a world record.

Now dice!

Thirty-two.

- Yes! 7,000 points damage. - You got me.

Why with this?

Wanna break a record, Ford?

You already got it for world's nerdiest old man.

Hey, at least I'm not all keyed up to watch a kids' show.

I'll have you know that Duck-tective

has a big mystery element, and a lot of humor

that goes over kids' heads.

I don't get a lot of it,

but I like animals in human situation.

Grunkle Stan, it starts in a few minutes.

Move that and pay the price.

Oh, what, 50 magical dwarf dollars?

Don't mock our fantastical monetary system.

I'll mock all I want. It's my TV room.

It's my house! You...

Listen, Stanley, did it ever occur to you

that if you joined us, you might actually have fun?

What? Now you listen to me.

As long as I live, I will never--

- Grunkle Stan, wait. - Ever.

- Stanley! - Play your smarty-pants nerd game.

No!

Mortals of Dimension 46 Apostrophe Backflash.

Kneel before me and...

Snivel.

I am Probabilitor,

the greatest wizard in all mathology,

give or take an error of 0.4.

Is this normal?

Have you come to send us on the quest of a lifetime,

because we're the smartest players you've ever met?

You are the smartest players I've ever met.

That's why I'm going to eat your brains,

to gain your intelligence.

It's what I do.

- It's his thing. - What?!

Seize them!

Your math is no match for my gun, you idiot.

Math ray!

I'm not here to play games.

Now to the forest for the ultimate game.

So the room's free now.

- Who wants to watch Duck-tective? - [squeaks]

Nobody? More couch for Grenda.

Oh, no. That crazy wizard is gonna eat

our brother's brain. We have to stop him.

Maybe let him get a couple of bites in Ford's brain first.

Even things out, smartness-wise.

- Grunkle Stan! - All right, all right.

I guess if we have no other choice,

we'll go on a... [sighs]

Epic wizard quest.

- [cheering] - Everyone grab a weapon.

Nice.

We're coming for you, Dipper.

And Great-uncle Ford.

And possibly that hot elf,

if he's got anything to do with this.

[laughing]

With each brain I eat,

I shall increase my enchant-elligence.

If my hands were free,

I'd break every part of your face.

The time has come.

Hot elf, ready the brain-cooking pot.

Uh, yes, Probabilitor.

We must be getting close.

These fairy bites are getting more frequent.

Hey, look, listen.

Halt! You interlopers are trespassing

on the ancient forest of Probabilitor the wizard.

If ye wish to pass,

first ye must complete seven unworldly quests,

each more difficult than the last.

Is he... dead?

He's magic, sweetie. I'm sure he's fine.

There's no cops in the forest.

We take this to our graves.

[laughing]

- What do we do, what do we do? - Stop thinking, Dipper.

The more wrinkled your brain gets,

the more he'll wanna eat it.

And now, a little math problem.

When I subtract your brain from your skull,

add salt and divide your family, what's the remainder?

[Mabel] Your butt!

What? My butt isn't part of this particular equation.

[all roaring]

Drat! How did you make it past my one guard?

Very well.

There's only one way your family can save you.

You must defeat me

in Dungeons, Dungeons, And More Dungeons,

real life edition!

[maniacal laughter]

What? Oh, come on.

I choose my characters versus...

[gasping]

Yours.

Oh, my ears.

They're so pointy.

There better be something protective

under this tunic. Oh, no, there isn't.

Seriously?

Can't we just, like, arm wrestle or something?

Come on, this game is a lot of fun.

I had my mom pack me a lunch.

Ew, apple slices? I'll eat you last.

Just make with the rules, ugly.

The game is a battle royale.

We help our characters by casting spells

determined by rolls of the dice.

If you win, I go back to my own dimension.

But if I win, I eat their brains.

Hey, I'm not sure this is such a good--

- Deal! - Oh, boy.

Let the game begin!

Attack!

What do we do? What are our moves?

There are no moves. You make them up.

What? Really?

Yes. I tried to tell you.

This game involves math, but also risk and imagination.

- Risk! - Imagination?!

Grunkle Stan, make something up. It's just like lying.

I cast... uh...

[groans]

Shield of shielding.

Ha! We're doin' it.

Shield of shielding reversal spell.

I cast giggle time bouncy boots.

Hot flame-y sword.

Super-hot flame-y sword!

No!

Drat you. You'll never outrun my...

Ogre-nado. It is what it sounds like.

I cast Centaur-taur! Yah!

Mabel, I am so confused and so proud right now.

[cheering]

Ha ha ha, yes!

I was saving the worst for last.

Oh, no.

The impossi-beast.

Hey, I thought they banned this character.

Think again. I'm playing the controversial

1991-1992 edition.

I'll think of some weapons.

You don't understand.

This is the most powerful monster in the game.

He can only be defeated by rolling a perfect 38.

But the odds of that are--

Hey, long odds are what you want

when you're a world-class gambler.

All right, Stan, you can do this.

Papa needs a new pair of...

twins!

No!!

Sorry, nerd wizard.

All of your smarts are no match for dumb luck.

I cast Death Muffins!

[both] Yes!

Ha ha ha!

The game is, like, over.

Excelsi-whatever.

No! I'm returning to my own realm.

I'm turning into pure math.

What are the odds?!

Grunkle Stan, that was amazing.

How did you know that you would win?

Hey, a gambler never reveals his secrets.

Man, that was fun for ages eight to 80.

Or a million or however old you guys are.

You know, I'm sorry for making fun of your game, kiddo.

Sure, it might be too nerdy for me,

but it's just the right amount of nerdy

for you and my brother.

And if you two wanna hang out sometimes,

I won't get in your way.

Actually, after all that,

I could use a little mindless fun.

Guys, we can watch the second showing of Duck-tective.

- It's not too late. - [squeaks]

I just don't understand who shot you.

The only person clever enough to defeat Duck-tective

is... [gasps] Duck-tective.

He had a twin brother all along?

That's the big twist we were waiting for?

What a rip-off.

I predicted that, like, a year ago.

This will be here if you ever need it.

Really? Even though I got us into the whole game-playing mess?

Ah, we both got carried away.

I guess we'd both gone for a while without a friend.

Dipper, can I tell you something?

You asked me earlier

what I was working on.

Well...

I dismantled the portal.

An inter-dimensional gateway is too dangerous

for the world it feeds into.

That's why I was mad at Stan for using it.

He saved me, but as I feared,

the instability of the machine created this.

An inter-dimensional rift.

I've contained it for now,

but it's incredibly dangerous.

Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this.

Not Stan, not even your sister.

- Do you understand? - Oh, of course.

In my time, I've made many powerful enemies.

But I trust you with this secret.

Now get yourself to bed.

I have much research to do.

Good night, Great-uncle Ford.

Good night, dipper-

Guys, do you ever think maybe we're doin' this

'cause our lives aren't special enough?

That we use fantasy as an escape to avoid

the self-improvement we all need?

That maybe we should just go out

and grow with people?

Fortresses can't speak.

I'm a fortress.

Does anyone wanna rescue him?

- Ah, I'm tired. - I'm good.

Long day.

♪ Don't step to the wizard I

♪ 'cause the wizard don't play nice J"