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Okay, ladies and gents, walkabout creek hotel.

Last chance for a coldie before we hit the outback.

G'day, all. I'm your hostess.

You can call me Ruby or love or anything,

but never late for breakfast.

And what's your pleasure, folks?

Gin and tonic, please, and a pimm's for the lady.

"G" and "t" and a pimm's.

No, I asked for a gin and tonic and a pimm's.

Yeah, well, there's no harm in asking.

- Couple of beers will be just fine. - That's the ticket, old mate.

- Hey, nugget. - G'day, sue.

- Where's Mick? - We got a panic call from the rangers.

They spotted a huge croc in the tarrabool swimming hole.

Actually, we tossed a coin to see who'd catch it, and Mick won.

- He went after it alone, did he? - No.

Jacko Jackson's gonna meet him out there.

And Jacko, as you know,

is the second best crocodile man in the territory.

So you got no worries, love.

Well, my only worry is I need Mick to pick Mikey up after school.

I'll tell Mick for you.

If he gets tied up with that croc, I'll pick up the young fella myself.

Thanks.

I thought you were the second best crocodile hunter.

- Oh, well. - Oh, he's just modest.

He's one of the best, you know.

Hey, sue. If anything ever happens to Mick, I'm gonna come courting.

Well, let's just hope nothing happens to Mick.

Now, where are you, you big ugly bugger?

This is as good as it gets.

Come on. Come to uncle Mick.

Big...

Big...

Big mistake.

Oh, shit.

- G'day, Mick. - G'day, Jacko.

What are you doing up there?

Ah, just sittin' up here, thinking about a new career, mate.

Where's your boat?

On the bottom.

- How'd that happen? - Croc pulled it under.

Pulled it under?

How big was it?

That big.

Now what?

Well, now we, uh, scramble ashore and go to plan "."B

Don't move.

Well, could be worse, mate.

Oh, yeah? How's that, Mick?

Well, someone could see us up here,

up the tree, outsmarted by a bloody crocodile.

Woman: So help me god, if I see a snake, I'm gonna drop dead.

How are they gonna catch a crocodile up there in the tree?

So, which one is the second best crocodile hunter in the land?

Okay, everyone, we're on a tight schedule here.

We better keep moving. Don't want to disturb the hunters.

Back on the bus, please, folks.

That's the way.

Bloody nugget. Great, eh, mate?

Two best crocodile hunters in the entire northern territory, eh?

Yeah.

We look like a couple of real pelicans, don't we, eh?

You know what I hate about crocs, mate? They got legs. Come on.

Oh, remember the good old days when we just used to shoot 'em?

Yeah. Yeah, mate,

but if there were no more crocs, they wouldn't need hunters.

Oh, they'd need hunters. To keep the wild pigs in control.

Pigs? Oh, not the same.

I don't want my kid saying, "there goes my dad, pig dundee."

Do you want to be known as porker Jackson?

Well, no.

Nah, we need the crocs, mate. They make us somebodies.

Without 'em, we're just a couple of old bushwhackers

with bite marks on our legs.

We'll get him tomorrow. Same time.

Hey, I knew a pig farmer called porker o'brien once.

Hah! You know why they called him porker?

I hate it when he does that. Gives me the creeps.

- Thanks, mate. - No worries.

So, you got out of that tree all right, eh?

Now, how could you possibly know about that already?

My people have ways of talking that no white man can understand.

Arthur, you're so full of bullshit.

No, it's a kind of mental telepathy, eh?

Yeah, mental, all right.

Ah, I think we just found out which one of us is the white man.

Yeah?

Yeah, I heard about that.

Yeah, well, he's standin' right next to me now.

- Oh, great. - Yeah, okay. Yeah, later.

- So, are you doin' a show tonight? - Yeah.

Already did the matinee. Gotta keep the tourists happy, eh?

Oh, well, mate, these days they're our bread and butter.

That's sort of what we are now in the 20th century...

Tourist attractions.

As they say, "that's show business, mate."

By the way, Mick,

it's the 21st century, mate.

Oh, yeah, I... I knew that.

See you, art. See you later.

- See ya, Troy. - See ya, Mikey.

- Wanna go fishing? - Yeah.

- So, what did you learn today? - Oh, just school stuff.

But we had an earthquake video,

and we learned how they happen in California, america.

- Did you see one when you were there? - No, I was in New York.

They don't have earthquakes there.

People there wouldn't stand for it. They'd be like,

"Earthquake? Hey, this is Brooklyn.

- "- Get outta here. - Forget about it."

They're tough.

Whoa, homework time. What's that?

- It's goanna turd. - That means he's close by. Find him.

- There he is. - Yep.

- You hungry? Want him for dinner? - Yuck, no way.

- Well, you better miss then. - Dad, I never miss.

Whoa.

Quick, dad, there's a big razorback up there. Can you do it?

- Do what? - You know, that trick. Please.

All right, but it won't work if you're scared. He'll smell it.

I know. I won't be scared. I promise.

Don't look at him till I do.

I really won't be scared if I can carry your knife.

Cool.

Okay, dad, I'll talk it over with Mick. Uh-huh.

No. No, and if we decide we need to be married,

I promise you'll be the first to know.

Would you like to say hello to your grandson? Okay. Hang on.

Hey, Mikey. Come say hi to grandpa.

Hi, grandpa.

Pretty good, yeah.

So, what's new?

Oh, Tom zetland, he ran the la. Bureau of dad's paper.

Was just killed in a car accident.

- What, was he a mate of yours? - Actually, no.

But the thing is, Mick, dad is now pleading with me to take his place

while he looks for a permanent replacement.

So, what you're sayin' is

your dad wants you to go and work for him in Los Angeles.

For how long?

Well, I told him I might fill in for a few weeks.

Well, tell me this, if we lived over there in the city,

- would you take the job then? - Oh, sure.

I mean, I was raised by a newspaperman,

and, well, I don't know, I guess it just gets in your blood.

That settles it then. Take the job.

At least for the rest of the year. Me and young Mikey will go with you.

- You're kidding. - No. Be good for him. Help him decide.

Decide?

- Well, your dad owns a newspaper, right? - Mm-hmm.

You're his only child. Someday Mikey's gonna have to decide.

Does he want to be an assistant crocodile wrangler,

or the owner of a big-city newspaper?

That's a tough one. And the travel will be good for him.

Remember how my trip to New York

sort of opened my eyes to the ways of the world?

Made me a lot more... what's the word?

- Sophisticated? - Yeah.

By the way, Mick, what are you doing with that awful trap?

You're not going to use that on some poor animal?

No, I'm lending it to donk.

Some mongrel's been sneaking into the pub at night

and knocking off his grog.

Stealing donk's beer, well, I guess they deserve to be mangled.

Yeah.

Well, what about you, Mikey? What do you think?

How would you like to go live in California for a while?

- They have earthquakes there, right? - Well, yeah, they have had.

Cool.

I thought you might say that. You're gonna have lots of fun.

Actually, you're the one I'm worried about.

No, I'm fine.

Um, Mick, I seem to remember after a few weeks in New York

you did get pretty antsy.

Yeah, a bit antsy.

Mm, that's what I love about you, Mick. You're always so unselfish.

No worries.

Yeah

yeah, dance, dance, dance, dance

Mick: Ah, Beverly Hills, eh? Home to the movie stars.

Limo driver: A lot of 'em, yep.

You're not in show business, are ya?

No, I'm in the tourism game myself.

- Hey, so am I. - Hey.

When I'm out driving this. Actually, though, I'm a writer-actor.

Just, you know, drive the limo between gigs.

Make a lot of connections.

Had Tom Arnold in the car this morning.

Tom Arnold?

Oh, wife probably knows who he is.

She's... she's in the newspaper business.

- A reporter. - Yeah.

Here, take one of these. You never know.

Thanks.

There you go.

That... that's nice.

No, you can keep that. I got plenty of copies.

Knock it off!

Sue: Okay, tax relief plan. State tax only. No interest there.

Traffic accidents.

Okay, these figures comparing la. To New York drivers, that's good.

Follow through on that.

Great. So our policy hasn't changed then?

How so?

Well, it's like Mr. Zetland used to say,

"We're a New York paper.

"If the news ain't about New York, then who gives a rat's ass?"

Or words to that effect.

So he wasn't too happy about working in la, huh?

Oh, no, no. Tom loved it here.

No, he loved doing exposé features and investigating scams and phonies.

What was he working on?

He was doing this feature on this new mini studio.

He started to get really excited about it.

I think he smelled a rat.

But what it was about, only Tom knew. Here you go.

Maybe you can find out what sparked his interest in there. Good luck.

Oh, hey, how are your boys doing? Are they out "exploring"?

Oh, yeah. Should be fun, too. For both of them.

Man: Come on, people, let's...

Thank you. Oh, spontaneous applause, thank you.

Thank you.

All right, a couple of tricks. Behind the back.

All right, all right, all right, under the leg.

Hey, dad, look. There's those girls from baywatch.

What?

Baywatch. On TV, you know? The girls that run funny, like this.

And donk and all the men in the pub go, "whoa!"

- What've you been doing in the pub? - Whoa! Hey!

I am so sorry.

- It's okay. - Whew, muscle fatigue.

- You all right? - Hey, do you know what time it is?

Oh, it's about 12:30, maybe 12:35.

Oh, that's cute, but you're wearing a watch.

- Oh, that's not a watch, it's a compass. - Oh!

Yeah, I'm new in town. I just couldn't find my house without this.

Really? So where's your house from here?

11.5 miles, two degrees north northeast. Called, uh, Beverly Hills.

Bev hills? So, you have a nice home?

- Yeah, we got eight dunnies. - Yeah, that's, uh, eight bathrooms.

- Oh, nice. This... this your boy? - Yeah, that's Mikey.

- So, you married? - No, he's not married.

- So you got custody? - Yeah. Well, Mikey's my son.

- Right. So you're a good parent? - Well, I would say.

Right. Oh, this is too good. I finally bump into a cute cowboy.

He's a little more Robert redford's vintage

than Brad Pitt's, but that's okay,

'cause he's got a mansion in Beverly Hills,

plus he's got custody of his kid.

That means he'd be a good dad to my Cindy and this is...

Oh, there's a catch, right?

Nothing this good ever happens to me.

Are you... you're not available? You're... you're gay, right?

Um, most of the time, pretty happy, yeah.

Of course.

Cute cowboy, venice beach, had to be gay.

What was I thinking?

- Boy, she was a chatterbox. - Yeah, mate. Uh, an American woman.

- She's got a nice ass. - Yeah.

Hey, you gotta stop hangin' around that pub.

Who taught you that? Nugget?

- Find anything fishy? - Yeah. Listen to this.

Silvergate pictures make their first movie, right? Lethal agent.

It's a total bomb.

So the very next picture they make is lethal agent ii...

Which, of course, goes straight to video where no one rents it.

And guess what they're doing now to save their reputation?

- Uh... - Yeah.

I don't know. Did Tom talk to these guys?

Well, yeah. I mean,

I think he spoke to everybody from the president of the studio down.

That's when he seemed to get really excited about the story.

All I can see here is a bunch of really dumb business decisions.

But, of course, that's not illegal.

Well, you know, that's the research that I did for him.

Whatever Tom was working on is probably in his PC.

So, I could get the disk from his house, if you're interested.

That'd be great.

And I notice they're having a "meet and greet"

for press and industry people.

Do you know who would normally cover that?

Fay Olson does entertainment.

Okay. Tell her she can have the night off, and I'll fill in.

- Hey, dad, what sort of car is that? - I can't look now, mate.

These California people are nice and friendly and polite...

Till they get in their cars,

- then they turn into crazed wombats. - Quick, dad, stop!

- There's a dog in the road. - Where?

- So where's the dog? - He ducked in there.

I'll get him.

Be careful.

All right, everybody, stay back. Don't worry, we'll get him.

I'm on it.

- What's the hell's going on up there? - Come on, buddy!

The guy said there's something on the road.

He looks like a nut to me.

- Probably a bomb or something. - It's a what?

- He says it's a bomb! - It's a bomb! It's gonna blow!

Come here, boy. Come on.

He won't come out. He's scared.

That's not a dog. That's a...

I don't know what it is. Some kind of possum maybe.

I've never seen a black and white possum.

I think it's a skunk.

How do you know what a skunk looks like? We don't have 'em at home.

It looks like pepe le pew in the cartoons on TV.

I thought skunks were supposed to stink.

Don't stink.

Mikey: Come on, boy. Come on.

Dispatcher: Got the response...

Possible explosive device and hostage situation.

There we go.

No wonder he's scared.

Those bloody helicopters.

Take off!

We have a very tricky situation for the police here.

The suspect appears to be holding a young boy hostage.

Stay where you are!

Put the bomb down!

What?

That's not a bomb. That's a cat.

Ah, see, just like at home. The policeman is your friend.

They're here to help us.

That's not a cat. That's a skunk.

You can take it from here, guys.

Uh-uh.

Uh, Mike, I wouldn't mention this to your mum.

She probably wouldn't understand. It's man stuff.

And of course, at that stage, early this afternoon,

we had no idea that the bomb was, in fact, a skunk.

Officers reluctantly placed the skunk in a squad car

to await the arrival of animal control.

In the meantime, it backed up traffic on the 101...

From calabasas to Pasadena.

It was the worst traffic jam...

- What are you doing, Mikey? - Uh, it's okay, love, it's me.

Oh. Mick, are you sure you want to come tonight?

I mean, it's a social thing, but it'll be work for me.

Yeah, I'm looking foward to it.

You know, to see if the local people are as friendly as new yorkers.

Sue: Well, I hope your son feels the same way.

He starts school on Wednesday.

Oh, no worries. He's, uh... He's just like me, really.

From what I hear, he has enough charm to stop a skunk from spraying him.

Yeah, well, you know,

- we were roarin' down the freeway... - It's okay.

- He looked really cute on TV. - Bloody television.

Not this time, pal.

- Mick! - Call the cops!

Let him go. He's the valet. He's supposed to park the car.

Yeah, yeah, take it easy, dude.

- Tip him. - Sorry.

- Honest mistake. - Sorry.

Valet?

- Picture, please. - Sure.

Man: Folks mind if we get a shot?

Don't worry about me.

I'll just get a drink, blend right in.

Okay.

I'll come and get you after I've done the formalities.

Man: Big smile for the camera, please.

All right, that's your evian,

and this here's your sparkling mineral water with a twist.

Oh, and a straight club soda.

So, you havin' a drink or doin' your laundry?

G'day. Mick dundee.

- And you're... - Tony.

What can I get for you, Mr. Dundee?

Just a cold beer will do, mate. Thanks.

That's typical of la. Today. Health nuts.

Worried about what they drink, worried about what they eat.

I used to be like that till I found the answer.

Oh? And, um, what's the answer?

Coffee.

Eat and drink whatever you please and then flush it out with coffee.

So you just drink lots of coffee.

No. You don't drink it. I'm talking colonics.

A good coffee enema leaves you clean as a whistle.

Bottoms up.

Hey, Tony. An enema...

Isn't that where they shove a hose

- up the old... - Yep.

- Lots of people swear by 'em. - With coffee?

- Cream and sugar? - It's L.A.

Excuse me, Mr. Rothman.

I'd love to introduce you to someone.

This is Ms. Sue charleton from newsday.

- Hello. - Arnan rothman. Delighted.

Didi tells me that you've replaced

our late friend, Tom zetland.

- Excuse me. - That's a damn shame.

He was a good man and he really knew his way around this business.

Well, I'm afraid I come up a bit short in that department.

Actually, I was hoping maybe you could help me out.

- Are you in the cast of this flick? - Me? Oh, no, I'm, uh, socializing.

Networking. Me, too. Have you seen any of these masterpieces?

- No. - Dont

unbelievable schlock. I kid you not.

Makes you embarrassed to be in the business.

The only thing I've seen worse than lethal agent was lethal agent ii.

I read the script on this one, and it's even worse.

I don't know how these clowns stay in business.

I suppose you've heard, then, they're making lethal agent iv.

What?

No one told me. Do you know if they're casting yet?

I gotta call my agent.

I'm planning on following through on Tom's story,

more about your film company than this particular film.

- We shot the whole thing in Greece. - Oh!

Allow me to introduce milos drubnick, our international vice president.

Sue charleton.

I'm delighted to meet American movie star.

I'm a big fan, all your films.

Well, that's very kind of you, but I'm a journalist.

Sue's from newsday.

Huh.

Milos handles all our eastern European activity.

I could not work over there without him.

You'll excuse me.

Well, I don't want to monopolize all your time here.

I was hoping we could catch up at the studio

- when it's convenient. - Absolutely.

That's just the way they do things.

You don't want that, love.

Get some of that free food in you. You'll feel a lot better.

You're welcome.

- Hey, you're from down under, right? - Yeah.

I don't suppose you know Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson? Ought to. Bailed him out of jail twice.

You're kidding. You really do know him?

Oh, I could tell you some tales about mad Mel.

Please do.

I thought you said we were finished

with these prying newsday people.

She'sjust following up on the original story. I'll handle it.

No. Now she want to come snooping around the studio.

You should say no.

Look, we're the new boys in town, right?

We're supposed to be begging for publicity.

We start banning the press, they're gonna be all over us.

Leave this to me.

So he takes his shoes off...

- Oh, thanks, Tony. - You're welcome.

Runs outside stark naked.

Sets fire to the building and burns it to the bloody ground.

He's a mad bugger.

Excuse me.

Mel Gibson's best friend. They're practically brothers.

I've seen them together...

Just tellin' 'em a few tales about Mel Gibson.

- You don't know Mel Gibson. - Yeah, I do.

You know him, too. Met him at donk's pub.

Mel Gibson, tall redheaded fellow, walks with a limp.

Oh, "mal." Malcolm Gibson. Not Mel Gibson.

Yeah, mal Gibson.

They know about him over here. Small world, isn't it?

Hey, Mick. Mick, you give me a call anytime.

Okay, dude. Hey, maybe we'll do lunch.

- Oh, Mick, you're starting to scare me. - I like Hollywood.

Good afternoon. Welcome to Beverly Hills.

Thanks.

So, your story on the film company just got red hot.

Tom zetland's place was robbed, and they took everything.

Oh, my god, that's terrible. But how does it make the story hot?

Well, Tom is accidentally killed.

Coincidentally, his place is cleaned out,

leaving no clues to what he's working on.

Maybe Tom was on to something big, and they had to shut him up.

You think the film people had him killed?

It's possible.

I had a bad vibe about this from the start.

I think you should be careful going out there.

Well, I'm not exactly going into a mafia stronghold.

I'm interviewing a studio head on the lot.

I'm even bringing my family along. They're gonna do the tour.

Well, all righty, then. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls,

to the Paramount pictures tour.

This is where the magic happens, people.

But before we actually begin,

I'm gonna ask you all to raise your right hand.

Okay, cool. Now what you're about to witness

are some of the biggest secrets of moviemaking.

So I must ask that all of you swear

not to reveal anything you may witness here today.

Do you swear?

Uh, just... just say, "I do."

- All: I do. - Okay.

Righty ho, Jim.

Oh, wow, you're in for a special treat here today, people,

'cause just up ahead we're actually filming a giant crowd scene

for the latest silvergate studio picture, lethal agent ill.

I told you we should've gone to universal.

Because quite simply, losses on the first two movies

are amortized into the cost of the franchise.

We're making this movie for practically nothing.

Okay, but still, wouldn't it be cheaper to make your films

either here or in Eastern Europe instead of both places?

Sure, but our movies are set in Eastern Europe.

You can't fake the locations here?

I mean, they're shooting an African jungle next door.

Sue, can you and I talk off the record?

Darling, will you excuse us for a minute?

Sure.

Quite frankly, the, uh, the success or failure of these films

is of little importance to us.

We're after bigger fish.

There are over 300 million people in what was once the Soviet bloc.

People who are starved of entertainment.

Movies shot in their own backyard, starring their own people.

I'm talking about building major studios, cineplex chains,

even theme parks.

The deal I am talking about will make euro Disney seem penny ante.

Well, this is a great story. A Russian Hollywood.

And when do we go on record?

Two weeks, tops.

But for you,

24 hours before the rest of the world.

Exclusive to newsday.

And in return?

Postpone the piece you've already started.

Right now, what is it? It's a, uh... It's a story about a small-time studio

and their two unsuccessful movies.

Who cares?

What do you say?

Well, if it's a newsday exclusive, I guess you got a deal.

Claire, why don't you take Ms. Charleton down to the set.

You can see the glamorous side of the business.

I'll be in touch.

You are good.

Tour guide: Where we can transform an ordinary man or woman

into an ape or a clown.

All righty, then. Now, before we enter this next portal,

it is my duty to warn you that several dangerous jungle creatures

have been sighted on the loose,

so, please keep inside the tram at all times.

I don't want to lose anyone, again.

- Dad, do you have your big knife? - Oh, didn't think I'd need it here.

I might have my pocket knife. What do you need it for?

I mean, in case the jungle animals attack.

Oh... I think we'll be all right.

Okay, look out, folks, it's a giant deadly anaconda!

({Chuckung)

- Well, that's awesome, dude. - Sorry, reflex action.

Okay. Cool.

Let's get outta here.

G'day.

- Was that more man stuff, dad? - You got that right, mate.

- Hey, you two. Did you have fun? - Yeah, it was cool.

Yeah. So how'd your interview go?

Creepy.

Did you ever talk to someone and think everything they're saying is a lie?

Yeah. Nugget.

Well, nugget's harmless. This guy...

You know what you should do?

Your paper's got police connections, right?

You get the cops to do a background check on him.

That's the way they do it on NYPD blue.

Hmm.

Well, I see Mikey's not the only one glued to the TV all day long.

Oh, yeah, but we only watch, uh, educational programs. Right, mate?

Yeah. Like wrestling.

"Can you smell what the rock is cooking?"

- Well, did he behave today? - Oh, yeah, he was good as gold.

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Mikey.

And no more TV. You start school tomorrow.

G'day. Mick dundee.

Here to pick up my ankle biter. It's his first day.

Ah. Barry katz. What, uh, grade's he in?

- Uh, fourth. - Oh, same as my boy.

- My boy's in the third. Eric Berry. - Hi, Eric.

Well, you look like an outdoorsman, Mick.

What do you think of this whole survival camp idea?

What is it?

Well, the school's puttin' it on this summer.

Teach the kids how to survive in the woods.

Fishing, making campfires. Dads are welcome.

- Oh. - Eric: I think it's a great idea.

Gives them a chance to get in touch with nature.

- I'm gonna take young Gary along. - Oh, good for you.

Couple of weeks in the bush, you and your boy, you'll both love it.

You ever take your boy into the outback where you were?

Down under?

All the time.

Just last month, I took him into the bush.

Taught him how to kill a wild boar with a stick.

Kill a boar? But he's, like, nine years old?

Yeah, well, you know what they say? Better late than never, eh?

See you later, fellas.

Hey, dad. Miss Mathis wants to talk to you. I'll meet you over there.

Dorothy Mathis, Mr. Charleton.

Oh, how do you do? Actually, it's Mick dundee.

- But I'm Mikey's dad. - Oh, Mr. Dundee. Right.

Well, first off, Mikey is a lovely boy. Bright, friendly.

Um, there's just one small problem, one we run into all the time here.

We call it the "Hollywood syndrome."

Like when a dad plays a policeman in a movie,

the children often believe he's actually a policeman.

Oh, right, you've got a lot of actors' kids here.

Yeah, well, I'm not in the movie business.

I'm in the, uh, tourism business. Not so glamorous.

Exactly.

Which is why your son tries to make it sound

a bit more colorful than it really is.

Now, it seems harmless, but little fibs can grow.

What's he been sayin'?

I'm afraid he told everyone you're a hunter,

and you hunt and kill crocodiles.

Oh. He knows better than that.

Crocodiles are protected. I don't kill 'em. I catch 'em alive.

Oh? Well, yes. Of course.

I'll talk to him. There'll be no more fibs.

Really nice to meet you, Dorothy.

Looks like a hunter.

Nice butt.

Dad, will you tell the teachers to call me dundee, not charleton?

Oh, sure. We just had to enroll you at school under your mother's name

'cause that's your legal name over here.

Is that 'cause you won't marry mum?

Oh, no, we're married... sorta.

We just haven't done the legal bit yet.

So what'd the kids at school say

when you told them your dad was a crocodile hunter?

They said, "well, what's he doing in Beverly Hills?"

Smart kids.

Hey, dad, what's that man doing?

I don't know. Let's go and ask him.

Excuse me, mister. What are you doing?

Well, I'm meditating, young man.

What's meditating?

Meditating is a special place I go in my mind

where there's no distraction, and I receive a great source of power.

Cool. Can you show us how, please?

Sure. Come fonnard and have a seat.

- My name's Mikey. What's yours? - Hi, Mikey. I'm Mike.

Oh, hi, Mike. I'm Mick, Mikey's dad.

Mikey, Mick, Mike.

- You gotta be kidding me, right? - Mick: No.

Okay, okay. Hold your legs like in a Buddha position,

grab your ankles to save yourself some discomfort,

and, um, we're gonna take it easy... Close your eyes, relax.

Inhale the positivity.

Exhale the negativity.

Inhale the positivity,

exhale the negativity.

Open your eyes. Wake up. Relax.

- How do you feel? - Very powerful.

And that's the ticket, daddy-o. Power. It's all in the power.

Mikey, would you just hurry up ahead. I need to talk to Mike for a minute.

- Okay. - In private.

- Thanks, Mike. - You're welcome, Mikey.

- See ya. - Take care, buddy.

Now, Mike, I need a favor.

You know, Mick, everybody needs a favor from me.

Well, I need you to help me up. My knees have locked.

That's my bad right there. You got it, buddy.

- I didn't want my kid to see. Oh! - There you go.

Thank you.

Hey, dad, did you see the size of Mike's muscles? They were huge.

Yeah. Now you see, you should never judge a book by its cover.

That Mike, big man, built like a brick dunny,

but I could tell straightaway he was a gentle man.

He wouldn't hurt a fly. I just know people. It's a gift.

Man: All right, ineed you guys to tear this place apart.

Ah, it's the bowlin' ball. Pure heroin.

- I know it's here somewhere. - Check out the bowling ball.

- Hey, how about this bowling ball? - There, I knew it.

- Hey, sue! - Hmm?

What are you doin', love?

Trying to think like a journalist again.

I used to be pretty good at it.

Not that anyone was gonna put

sue charleton and pulitzer prize in the same sentence,

but, ah... I'm just stumped.

Is it that, uh, film studio thing?

I'm sure it's an elaborate front for something. But what?

They're smugglin'.

- Drugs or guns. - How do you arrive at that?

That's what it always is.

The big money thing they smuggle into america are drugs.

And the big thing going out, guns.

And where did this insight into major criminal activities come from?

Oh, from TV. I'm a quick learner.

Hey, I may look like I just fell off the turnip truck,

but I didn't land on my head.

You know what you need? You need a mole.

- A mole? - Me. I'll get a job at the studio.

Oh, Mick, I know you need something to do, but...

I made a lot of contacts at that movie party.

I bet one of them would get me a job there.

Well, what about Mikey? Who's gonna take him to school in the morning?

I'll get him one of those nannies. I'll get a good one.

Don't worry. Leave it to me. This is important.

See, sometimes I think young Mikey thinks I'm a bit of a hillbilly.

Well, I am, actually.

I just wanna show him that

being a hillbilly doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.

Man: So our first group, stroll up the street,

followed by our three businessmen at a more brisk pace.

And then our two construction workers.

- Diego Gonzales. - Yeah, Mick. Mick Smith.

Nice to meet you, Mick.

Now, we're in Berlin, so please walk like Germans!

How do Germans walk?

I don't know. One foot after the other?

Okay.

So, this is a rehearsal! Background only!

And, action!

What the hell are you doing?

I just wanted my kid to see me in the picture.

Yeah, well, if you start looking at the camera during the take,

- they'll take you out of the picture. - Oh.

- You're new, aren't you? - Yeah, first role. Bit nervous.

Cut! Back to one, please!

Well, look, just relax.

- Watch me, okay? - Yeah.

Forget about the camera. We're two working stiffs on our way to a bar.

- Oh, just pretend it's real life? - Yeah.

Okay, now, people, we will be doing it for real this time, and remember...

Attention, please!

- Quiet, everyone! - Man: Quiet!

- Picture's up! - Picture's up!

Roll!

- Sound speed. - Marker.

- Set. - And, background action.

And action.

Stop that man!

- Cut! Cut! - Man, are you okay?

What the hell happened?

It was my fault. I just saw him runnin' and...

Uh, what happened is that he... He tried to catch him as he fell.

We both saw him trip. He went down hard.

Are you sure you're okay?

- Thanks for trying, buddy. - Okay, we'll go again.

Back to one, please! Fast as you can! We're losing the light!

Hey, thanks for covering up for me.

I couldn't help it, you know? Reflex. Sort of like a football flashback.

Football, my ass. That wasn't exactly a legal tackle.

Oh, it is at home. It's called a dowel and coat hanger.

Anyway, I owe you one.

No, no, it's okay. I had to keep you here.

You're fun. I want to see what you're gonna do to screw up the next take.

Okay.

Oh, uh, what's the problem, Michael?

Miss, do people like rats in america, or are they just pests?

Why do you ask?

'Cause there's a big rat in the bookshelves.

Gross!

- Is... is it dead? - No, miss. I only stunned it.

My dad says, "never kill anything unless you're gonna eat it."

All: Ew!

I think we'll just put it outside, please.

He's my best friend, you know?

You see, the key to survival here

is you gotta keep your face away from the camera.

That way they can use you again and again.

You know, I've been in every mob scene.

- You're a pro. - All right, everyone! Settle down!

- Settling! - Try again.

And background action!

Action.

Watch this! Watch this! Kiki, get me a drink.

- Cut! - That's a cut!

This isn't working.

What's the problem with the monkey?

Sorry. She was fine earlier. Come here, kiki. Come here.

Come here.

I don't understand. She never does this.

Come here, kiki!

She's just a bit nervous. What do you want her to do?

- You ever work with animals? - Yeah. Kinda.

She's supposed to go to the table and take a soda to the actor.

- Diet or regular? - Whatever. Diet.

- Want a glass? - She hasn't learned that.

We're running late here.

Can we try one more time? If this doesn't work, we'll drop it.

Okay, back to one. This is the real thing, everybody.

Concentrating.

- Roll! - Picture's up!

Speed. Marker.

- And background action! - Action!

Watch this. Watch this! Kiki, get me a drink.

Make it a diet one.

And a glass too! Thank you, mein iiebchen.

Cut! Print! Check the gate.

Whoo!

Book him.

Look, uh, I got a problem.

All of my animals are on the jungle set,

and I can't keep coming back and forth with the chimp.

So if you'll fill in for me, I'll double what you're getting paid.

Will I still be on this picture?

Every day. Kiki's an above-the-title player.

You got a deal.

You're looking at the new monkey wrangler.

- Hey, thanks for you help, Diego. - Dude, Mick!

Hey, hey, this is a positive career move.

- You reckon? - Yeah!

I'm telling you, you're gonna go far.

Ah! Don't be a stranger now.

Hell of a nice guy.

Can't act for shit,

but he'll probably wind up with his own TV sitcom.

Mikey!

Waitjust a minute, dear.

- See ya, Mike. - Bye, Mikey.

I suppose your father's picking you up again.

Nah, he's at work this week.

Oh, bummer. Well, how are you getting home then?

I've got a nanny like all the other kids.

Oh! Which one's yours?

Over there. The big one.

Your nanny?

Well, he's really uncle Jacko from back home.

- And is uncle Jacko married? - Uh, no, but he's looking.

Hi. Dorothy Mathis. I'm Mikey's teacher.

G'day, Dorothy. Call me Jacko.

Bloody marvelous.

Los Angeles, eh?

Funny name.

Los Angeles.

Yeah, it means, uh, "lost angels."

It's Italian. Ah, there it is.

I told sue I'd take you somewhere really special for dinner.

You're gonna love this place. Trust me.

Now, pick out what you want off the menu here,

and you yell it out into that box.

Two minutes later, you're scarfing it down

without even getting out of the car.

Of course we have these drive-ins back home in the cities,

but this is where it all started.

So you can eat like a pig and no one can see you.

Clever buggers, these yanks, eh?

Well, this is why la. Is famous all around the world

for its fine cuisine.

Girl: Welcome to Wendy's. Can I take your order, please?

Let me handle this. Good evening, Wendy.

There will be four of us dining in the car this evening.

So we're gonna need four triple burgers with cheese

and four biggie fries.

So that's four classic triples with cheese.

- Uh, wait a minute. - And four biggie fries?

Uh, here comes Stan and Harry.

Uh, they'll also be dining with us tonight,

so we need six triple burgers with cheese

and six biggie fries.

Okay. Six classic triples with cheese and six biggie fries?

- You know what I'd really like to do? - What's that?

Go right up on the roof on one of those skyscrapers.

That's easy. Just find one that's open.

Jacko: Strewth! This is higher than ayers rock.

Yeah. Of course, the buildings in New York are a lot higher.

I was there, you know.

Old New York.

Or as we call it, the "big apple."

Big apple? Why do you call it that?

Well, because it's really big and, uh...

Yeah, but none of those buildings are as dangerous as this.

What do you mean?

Well, they don't have earthquakes in New York.

They have 'em here all the time, right?

Yeah.

We could have one right now.

God!

What do you reckon it'd do to this building?

Hey, I wouldn't wanna be up here if she started shakin', eh?

- I've seen enough. You done? - Oh, yeah. No point in hangin' round.

Mick: Earthquakes, eh?

Jacko: No worries.

Oh, mate, I need a drink after all those 1,286 stairs.

No worries, mate.

Didn't work.

Well, you gotta wait.

There's hundreds of cars going through and just us two trying to cross.

Yeah? Now there's 20 of us, eh?

Yeah, but you can't do that. It's illegal.

Well, I don't see any cops.

Yeah, but they have cameras at all these intersections, see?

And if you do anything wrong,

they take your picture and then send you a fine.

Yeah, but I ain't wearing a number plate around my neck,

so how the hell are they gonna know who I am, huh?

Well, uh, when you landed here, you showed 'em your passport, right?

- Yeah. - Got your picture in it, dopey.

Oh, yeah, right.

I wonder how much they fine you.

It all depends on how many times you push the button.

- This looks like us. - Oh, great. Texas bar. We're in.

Now this could be a bit of fun.

These American cowboys love a good barroom brawl.

Howdy, boys. Step on in.

Howdy, ma'am.

- Ma'am. - Howdy, cowboys.

It's raining men, hallelujah

stone the bloody crows!

That must've been one of those poofter bars.

Yup.

Only I believe the correct term is "gay homosexual."

That's what they call their shirtlifters over here.

The only woman there was the cowgirl at the door.

Give it up, punk, or I'll blow you away.

Uh, hang on. I can't hear you.

That's better. Now how can I help you?

Smart-ass cowboy, huh?

- Hand me over your money, man! - They ain't cowboys.

- They're fools dressed up! - Yeah, fools got money, too.

Give it up, or I'll bust a cap in your ass!

Yeah, hand it over, bitch!

Bitch?

Son, you have any idea how quick you have to be to catch a tiger snake?

I'm always getting mugged. I must look rich.

Hey, it's one of them soft-topped cars. Cave in.

You know, this must be why they call la. The "city on wheels."

What do you mean?

Well, they don't even get out of their car to mug you.

- Hey! - Ow!

It's all your fault, homes! You shouldn't have called him a bitch!

Should we call the cops?

No point. Over here, mate, they'd probably end up suing us.

Besides, it's not their fault.

It's the drugs.

I saw all about it on that Geraldo Rivera.

He knows the streets.

Let's just get a cup of coffee and go home.

Ooh. Don't be too hasty ordering coffee around here.

You might not be too happy with the way they serve 'em.

Trust me.

And this is where a big crocodile almost bit his leg right off.

- Whoa! - Neafl

well, to tell the truth, kids, it wasn't really that big.

No more than 20 feet or so anyway.

Boy: Whoa! That's huge!

Yes, I know.

They just don't appreciate a real artiste. I'd have bit him too.

I thought you were fabulous.

I don't care what that director said. He's an idiot.

You were really good.

- You said black with one sugar, right? - Oh, yes.

- Thanks, mate. Excellent. - And...

I got us a little treat for our friend here.

Oh, great. That'll hit the spot.

Black and one sugar.

She's a bit grumpy today.

Not happy with the size of her trailer.

She wants a big one like Virgil, but I keep telling her,

"Virgil's a lion. You're only a monkey."

Sorry. "Chimpanzee."

Say, have you thought about changing agents?

Diego, you're talking to a chimp. They don't speak English.

Yeah, neither did my first wife.

Keep moving, dravos.

Don't be stupid! Mind the painting!

Just lean it carefully against the wall for now.

Carefully!

G'day, Phil. What's happening, mate?

Hi, Mick. The usual continuity nightmare.

Right.

What's that mean?

It means I have to make this set

look exactly like it did on location in yugoslavia.

Yugoslavia. Is that where all these paintings come from?

Yep. They had them done there. Dumb.

Would've been cheaper here and more realistic.

Oh, so none of these are valuable. They're just all copies.

Yep, and rather poor ones at that.

And these huge, tacky frames? For god's sakes.

Do they usually cart the sets and the props

from one country to another and back again?

Maybe in a big-budget international movie

like mission: Impossible III.

But I haven't seen Tom Cruise hanging around the set, have you?

Tom Cruise. What's he look like?

Like Tom Cruise.

Jeez, Mick, were you born in a cave?

Yeah! How did you know that?

Never mind.

Jim, the Van goghs are down at the wrong end.

See, here they started with the gauguins, one above the other.

Let's get this right. We gotta be done in here tonight.

They're shooting in here tomorrow.

Mick: You see, you can mix heroin into a plaster,

make it any shape you like.

So when I see this guy go nuts

just 'cause they bumped the lousy painting,

that's where I knew where the drugs were hidden.

Molded into the picture frames.

Pure heroin, or as we call it, "smack."

Jeez, Mick, you really do think like a detective.

Yeah, mate, it comes sort of natural to me, you know?

- Hey, Mick. - Ah.

That was the police lab.

Sorry. The frames are just plaster. There's no drugs.

Oh, bugger it.

I was sure I cracked the case.

I don't know. Maybe they're not smuggling anything.

Oh, no. They're sneaking around with something.

I just haven't found it yet.

Like I read about this fella,

he used to push a wheelbarrow full of cow dung

across the border every day.

"Manure for the garden," he'd say. Went on for months.

And the border guards knew he was smuggling something,

so they'd stop him and they'd rake through that manure

with a fine-tooth comb.

Never found a thing.

Turned out they were right. He was smuggling something,

wheelbarrows.

Right under their noses.

See, it's there, and I'm just not seeing it, yet. And I will.

Nah. I reckon he was right the first time. It's drugs.

They wouldn't go to all that trouble for wheelbarrows.

- Cut! And print. - Cut!

We'll cut when he throws, so that went fine.

- All right! - Well done, Paul.

Assistant director: Listen, everyone, we do not burn down the castle now.

That will be a second-unit shot tomorrow.

That means everyone goes home early and has tomorrow off.

- Whoo! All right! - Okay, see you all Friday!

First thing!

Curator: And you've actually seen these paintings quite recently.

Yeah, today.

Well, then than makes it easy. They're fakes.

You can tell that from the photographs?

Well, normally, no.

But, you see, these rembrandts, and this, the olive field by Van gogh,

unfortunately no longer exist.

During the bombing of Belgrade by NATO,

the national art museum of Serbia took a direct hit,

burned to the ground along with the originals of these paintings

and possibly the finest collection of old masters in Eastern Europe.

It was a tragedy for the art world.

Ergo, these must be copies, fakes.

That, um, Belgrade, is that in yugoslavia?

Yeah.

'Cause that's where these paintings come from.

What if it wasn't an accidental bombing

and someone removed the paintings first?

Spoils of war?

Maybe I should take a look at these. Could you take me to them?

That's probably impossible.

But if I could get one of them and bring it to you and it was real,

that means the rest are probably real, right?

You must call me the minute you find one.

- I have to see them. - No worries.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Hey, who drew this? - Pablo Picasso.

I'm a drinking man myself, but I've never been that hammered.

This'll be a piece of cake. I know this lot backwards.

- Wait in the car. - Uh, Mick?

I was gonna say, "be careful,"

but I guess that's kind of a dumb thing to say

to someone who hunts crocodiles.

No worries.

Of course the difference is obvious here,

but on film, it's a perfect match.

- Isn't it? - All right, we have the paintings.

Now must we continue with this stupid movie business bullshit?

You really don't get it, do you?

God is in the details.

These came into the country as film props.

Anyone wants to see them, "sorry, we burned them.

"Want proof? Go see the movie."

Dead end. Brilliant.

Man: Carl, we need your help.

Carl, that painting should be covered.

I'll be with you in a moment.

- Then who the hell is that? - Milos: Stop him!

After him! Quickly!

Shoot low! Don't hit the painting!

After him! Seal off the lot!

Quick! Hold this!

- What? - Thanks.

He ran in here. Dravos followed him.

You cover all the exits. Go in and help dravos flush him out.

Shh. I know, I know. Mick said to wait here.

It's his bust, right?

I know. I was just looking.

How'd you get here anyway? Who's looking after Mikey?

Miss Mathis, his teacher from school.

I followed you in her car.

Oh. I'll just keep you on hold.

"Keep you on hold." Ha! I just come out with them.

- Who is this man? How does he... - I think he's the monkey guy.

Mick, the guy that trains the monkey. Same hat.

How would the monkey guy know about the paintings?

Is he alone? You better hope he's still alive.

Get in there.

Man 1: We're entering stage four. We'll flush him your way.

Man 2: Roger that.

({Doorlochng)

Oh!

Shoot low. We need him alive.

Watch out.

For the wall.

He's gone to the jungle set.

There's only one way in and out of there. I'm on it.

Man: Just cover the gate till we get there.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

High five.

Man: Stan, copy. Boss said don't go in there alone.

- Stan? Stan? - Too late, mate.

Stan!

Oh, shit.

Did it, um...

It... it missed, I think.

I hope.

Hi, Mick.

I know you're still here.

Why don't we stop playing this silly game?

You can come out and join your friends.

I have no more Patience for this!

Mick: Okay, you win. I'm coming out.

Just don't make any sudden moves.

You don't have to be so formal. We're all friends.

You can lower your hands.

Well, I can't really lower this one.

- And why is that? - 'Cause if I put this arm down

and break eye contact,

he might come down here and tear you apart.

- Who? - Fella who lives in there.

Look. Up on the rock.

Are you nuts? You can't kill a lion with a .38 pistol.

You'll just piss him off.

If you shoot anyone, they better not bleed.

Yeah, lions go berserk when they smell blood.

If I was you, I'd back up slowly into that cage.

Uh, yeah. Surely, that's a, uh, tame lion.

Yeah. You could be right.

I shoot you. You bleed.

I take my chances.

Yeah, but he's not your problem.

It's his missus I'm worried about.

I can't handle her.

She's got pms, I think. Can see it in her eyes.

Anyway, you do what you have to do.

I'm getting in the cage before his mother-in-law comes down.

No! No!

- You open the door! Open the door now! - Give me the gun. Give me the gun.

You held a gun to my wife's head.

- Huh? - That's unforgivable.

So I'm gonna help you lose some weight.

- How? - Virgil's gonna come down here

and bite a big chunk out of your fat ass.

Virgil, lunch!

Sit!

If you touch me, I will sue you for every cent you've got.

Ha! Well, that sounds fair.

Hey, that's about 40 bucks.

It's a fair deal.

Bargain.

And how are you, miss?

- What the hell were you doing in here? - Well, I had to.

My cell phone went dead,

and I had to come in here to find a phone to call 911.

You're clever, sue. I never would've thought of that.

Yeah, well, that's because she's a dundee.

Or she ought to be.

Uh, Jacko, keep an eye on the goons and, uh, block your ears.

- What? - Block your ears. Private talk.

Oh. No worries, mate.

Uh, I have to tell you this.

I was just really scared for the first time in my life.

Well, that's okay. Most people are frightened of lions.

No, not the lions. They're just hungry.

It's when I saw that goon with a gun at your head.

That's when I realized how much I, uh...

You know, um...

Will you marry me?

Well, you do rush into things, don't you, Mick?

Are you sure it's not just the romantic setting?

Local experts say the value of the recovered art

could run as high as $300 million.

For the very latest, let's go live to marta waller at the scene. Marta?

Thanks, hal. Right now the police are taking

these priceless paintings into protective custody.

The woman behind me talking to the detective, is Ms. Sue charleton,

the newsday reporter who led detectives

to the cache of stolen masterpieces.

Unfortunately, the undercover agent who actually captured the thieves

declined to be interviewed on camera.

However, earlier tonight,

he did tell me he is, in fact, a known expert in the art world.

Isn't that the guy who had the skunk on the freeway?

Man: Hey, hal!

Uh, w... we'll have more as the story unfolds.

Right now, let's go to Malibu

where last night's downpour of almost a quarter inch of rain

resulted in disastrous flooding and massive mud slides

along the pacific coast highway.

Minister: Sue, do you accept this larrikin as your wedded husband?

I do.

Mick, do you accept this lovely lady as your wedded wife?

No worries.

Fair enough.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

- Good on you, Mick. - All right!

It's official now, mate. You're Mick dundee ii.

- Cool. - Now I guess we'll wait and see

whether you turn out to be another crocodile dundee

or Michael dundee, newspaper tycoon.

Oh, that's a no-brainer, dad.

I'm gonna be crocodile dundee,

hunter and rich owner of a big newspaper.

Yeah, I didn't raise a dumbbell.

Put this on for the photos.

What for?

'Cause you look like a dork in that suit.

No, I don't.

You should look like crocodile dundee.

No, I think my crocodile hunting days are over.

Yeah, from here on in, it's Mick dundee, private eye.

Nah. I'm kiddin'.

I come from a land down under

the beer does flow and men chunder

can't you hear can't you hear the thunder?

You better run you better take cover, yeah

traveling in a fried-out kombi

on a hippie trail head full of zombie

I met a strange lady

she made me nervous

she took me in and gave me breakfast

she said, do you come from a land down under?

Where women glow and men plunder

can't you hear can't you hear the thunder?

You better run you better take cover, yeah

Buying bread from a man in Brussels

he was six foot four and full of muscle

lsaid, do you speak my language, brother?

He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

he said, I come from a land down under

where beer does flow and men chunder

can't you hear can't you hear the thunder?

You better run you better take cover, yeah

lying in a den in Bombay

with a slack jaw and not a lot to say

I said to the man are you trying to tempt me?

Because I come from the land of plenty

he said, do you come from a land down under?

Yeah, yeah