Original subtitles

- (discussion in ltalian) - (classical music)

(woman) l did the movie with Baz.

- l did not see it. - Oh, but you know the story.

- No, not really. - Oh, my God, The Gift Of The Magi?

This isn't gonna work. They were supposed to cut it on the bias. You can't wear this.

Carla, non mi piace. Di'a Battistoni di rifarlo.

Let me see what l can do here. Turn this way.

- (man shouts in ltalian) - (woman) Prego! Prego! Andiamo!

Anyway, The Gift Of The Magi is a story by O Henry.

lt's about the foolish sacrifices we make for love.

Foolish? How?

ln the story, there are two young lovers, Jim and Della.

They have no money and they want to buy each other a Christmas present.

l'm gonna try something but l gotta pin it from underneath.

OK.

So Joe, the young man,

he has only one possession, his grandfather's gold pocket watch...

..which he treasures more than anything.

Except for Della.

Shall l go on?

What?

With the story.

Yes. Please.

(Luz Casal singing "Un Año De Amor")

♪ Yde noche

♪ Yde noche

♪ Por no sentirte solo

♪ Recordarás ♪

Where have you been?

l, um... l met these two kids.

And they lived in this little town called Bishop, which is in the Sierras.

And it was so beautiful.

There was this mountain called Thunderbolt Peak.

You know l could never make it to the top of a mountain, right?

- You climbed a mountain? - Yeah.

- l got your letter, Jenny. - Uh-huh.

l never wanted you to rip your heart out.

l just... wanted you to be honest with me.

Yes.

l have this present for you.

l found this in this little, tiny town called Lone Pine.

lt's a chain for your stopwatch,

so you don't forget it all the time.

l broke it.

- lt was your grandfather's. - Yeah, it was.

lt was that day.

l'm sorry.

So that was... the first time it happened?

Yes.

Those are yours. Get out.

You've been screwing her since the first night you went out!

Even Bette and Tina knew. l was the only idiot who had no fucking clue!

(dog barking)

You pathological, fucking liar! Get out of my house. Get out of my house.

- Go. - OK.

No, no...

- And that's it. You want us to ask, so... - Just 'cause she's squatty...

She's just short, guys. All right? There's nothing wrong with it. She's tiny.

Fucking Shane met Madonna at a party.

- La petite blonde qui chante? - Does she want you?

- Did you already do her? - Well, l am doing her hair next week.

- Harry gave Shane his yacht. - His yacht?

Yeah, Friday night. l'm having a party.

- Hi. - Hi, guys!

- Hello. - Hi.

Here's a chair for you.

- Oh... - So, Tina, how do you feel?

Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe it.

My acid indigestion is so much better since Dr Wilson prescribed the antacid.

- The tablets are better than the liquid. - Yeah.

But last night l woke up at 3am with the most unbelievable heartburn.

My HCD levels are high,

which can be a good thing, but it makes nausea so much worse.

lt should subside after 1 4 weeks.

This morning l am pulling on my socks and l notice this varicose vein.

lf she keeps doing yoga and pelvic floor exercises...

lt's because of the increase in hormone production that the walls of the veins relax.

lt's unbelievable what the body goes through.

Which reminds me, today is our ceremony in spirit flow.

- What ceremony? - We told you about it.

The Sikhs believe that the soul enters the foetus's body at 1 3 weeks.

- Cool. - My yoga teacher does this ritual.

We were hoping that you guys would be there for the chanting.

And there's gonna be a blessing.

We wouldn't miss it. Would we?

- Absolutely not. - Sounds great.

(dog barking)

♪ Om...

♪ Om...

Om... my God.

Now, if you'll all join me in singing ''May the Longtime Sun''

and remember to send your blessings to Tina and Bette

and the new being they're creating.

♪ May the longtime sun shine upon you

♪ All love surround you

♪ And the pure light within you

♪ Guide your way home

♪ May the longtime sun shine upon you... ♪

What happened to you?

l know that you...

..don't wanna talk to me after what l said to you.

What do you need, Jenny?

l need a bath.

Can l go to your house?

l can wait for your break.

l thought you never wanted to see me again.

We were together for four years.

We were engaged.

l just had to try to make things work.

He really loves you.

He came to show me.

- Tim did that to you? - Yes, but l'm not gonna press charges.

Am l just a coward?

And a liar?

And a cheater?

Adiós, chiquitas.

- Oh, bye, baby. Take care. - See you guys.

Bye.

Tell us again about this crazy party on the boat.

All right. Harry booked it, right? But he has to go out of town.

There's a free bar. There are very sweet cocktail waitresses.

- lt could be tit. - l'm sure it will be tit.

And l'm sure that you will completely understand why we won't be there.

- That's too bad. You're missing out. - l'm nesting.

l wish l could describe what it feels like. lt's... lt's...

- We can use our imaginations. - ..primal!

Animals do this when they're gestating.

You become a homebody. You just retreat like a brooding hen.

So you're gonna pass up a girl-party on the most famous gin palace in the Pacific

so you can go home and sit on an egg?

- ls this what l'm hearing? - Yes, that is what you're hearing. Yes, we are.

- l gotta get back to work. - Bye.

- Thanks for coming. - OK. Bye.

- lt was lovely. - Yeah, congratulations.

- Quite moving. - lt was really pretty.

- lt's so desperate. We have to do this. - Six o'clock. OK?

- Right. - See you later.

Sorry l'm so late, sweetie.

l forgot the three new natural childbirth books we...

What's going on?

- These guys have something to say. - Have a seat next to Tina.

- Can l just... - No, no. l have it.

- OK. - OK. Yeah? Yeah.

Will you put that in the fridge? Leaving hot food out brings the bacteria to life.

Toxoplasmosis is a prevalent cause of birth defects.

You get it from contaminated food, unpasteurised cheese and...

- Cats. Cats. - Outdoor cats.

- Slander against cats. Write that down. - What are you writing, anyway?

OK, here goes.

The reason we're here, your friends and family:

because we do consider you our family,

that's why we were at that ritual thing...

is to perform an intervention.

My cousins did this for my Uncle Bill.

He hasn't had a drink since they put him in the straitjacket and hauled him off to rehab.

- Thank you for that, Shane. - Sure.

- Now, l know what you're thinking... - Good, because we're totally mystified.

An intervention is about helping people you love

change destructive patterns of behaviour.

- Over the past approximately... - Twelve.

..twelve weeks, we've noticed a very alarming pattern.

Um... You two are having a baby.

- And we are very happy for you. - Why wouldn't you be?

- Jump in any time. - OK. Um... guys.

We've seen this happen with other couples. Janet and Sue, for instance.

Claudia and Tammy... Oh, God, especially Mimi and lvy.

lt would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and lvy.

We wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and...

..let you get so... so...

- What? - Boring.

- Boring. - Boring, guys.

(both) Boring?

l know this is painful. Denial's very common. lt's OK.

That's why we've made this list of incidents

and this multiple-choice self-assessment test, which we'll go through with you.

Then you can fill it out together and tally the results.

lt has results?

- Results you can... tally? - Jesus!

- OK. Ready? - No, but go ahead.

March 5. TK arrives at The Planet with a catalogue of maternity underwear

and takes up breakfast making everyone choose between cotton granny-panties

and wide-waistband stretch Lycra maternity briefs.

Sure, l did that, but l needed you to help me...

Acceptance is the first step, Tina. Dana.

Right. Tina, this one's for you, from the questionnaire.

An appropriate response to the question ''Hi, how are you?'' is...

- l don't know. A. - A. ''Fine, thanks. And you?''

B, which also would have been good: ''l'm feeling a little tired,

but really happy to see you guys.''

- But C? Shane. - Yep. Um... C.

''l'm taking progesterone suppositories and my vaginal discharge is all gooey.''

''My gums are spongy and bleeding from the hormones and extra blood in my body.''

Bette, don't think this is just about Tina.

- l'm sure. Bored the hell out of you. - Look, guys, we love you so much.

We love you guys. We do.

Ditto. Love you.

That's why it pains us to see you in this downward spiral.

l mean, Tina, look at your feet.

Look, it says ''True/False. Right now l am wearing fuzzy-wuzzy slippers.''

- All right. - OK.

So, uh, maybe give you some copies.

- Here's some extras in case you mess up. - See ya.

- OK, bye-bye. - Love you guys.

You're not bored by your mommies, are you?

Not.

(Moka Only singing "Love Can't Wait")

(phone rings)

¡Hola!

Oh. Wait... Can you hold on a minute? Just one minute.

(music off)

Hi! Yeah. Yeah, this is me.

lt's kind of a whistle-stop tour.

Washington U tomorrow, then LA the following day.

l've been offered a place at USC, an internship.

Anyways, what l was thinking... l'm in interviews most of the afternoon

and then l'm catching an evening flight back to DC.

But l thought maybe... maybe we could meet before l leave.

l realise you're not supposed to put yourself in... you know, stressful situations

at this stage in the recovery process

and l wanna be respectful of that.

No, l'm OK. l can handle it.

OK? l'll see you then.

That's pretty much it until they release the campaign.

You look fucking hot. You should dress like that more often.

- l'm going to a party later. - Great. That reminds me of one thing.

Usually, in a contract like this, there's a lifestyle clause,

in which you, as the spokesperson, are expected to reflect the company's image

in all aspects of your life: stupid things like no public drunkenness

or... no Satan worshipping.

This is the deal. Once you sign this thing, Subaru owns your ass.

- You've gotta play by their rules. - What about Martina?

Yeah. l know Subaru did that whole Martina-lifestyle campaign

but that's Martina. She's a superstar.

She can pull off the whole gay thing but you're not Martina, babe.

You're not Tiger Woods, you're not a superstar.

What you are is very hot, very sexy.

This is your chance to cash in.

But you gotta face the facts, Dana. Clock's ticking.

Your... Anna Kournikova days are numbered.

- Fuck you, Conrad. - Hey, l've offered.

Lighten up, Fairbanks. You can be a les when you retire.

Right now, you're an ass-kickin' but... dick-lovin'... athlete.

Who's getting a fat paycheck. All you gotta do is smile pretty for the camera.

- Hey, ladies, how you doing? - Good.

- Names, please? - Bette Porter and Tina Kennard.

Shane's not here yet but make yourselves feel comfortable.

- Thanks. - You're the first two to arrive.

Uh-oh, we're the first ones here.

- That's really boring. So boring. - That's boring. So boring.

God, this is so nice.

lt is.

And so peaceful.

(Snow singing "Legal")

(animated chatter)

Yeah, this is what we needed.

We've got about an hour.

You still haven't told me... What do you think counts as sex?

l don't know. lf you have an orgasm?

That would mean thousands of married women with children have never had sex.

But either way, you and l definitely have had sex.

You're so sexy, Dana. You make me come so hard.

- Did l offend you? - No, everything's fine.

- What's up? - l need you to stop.

- Stop what? - Touching me. Kissing me.

l can't do this. l'm not ready for all this.

l don't believe you. l've never met anyone more ready in my entire life.

l know... l'm gay and when l hide that, l hide the best part of me.

But you don't understand what it means to be me.

My clock is ticking and you wanna have sex in the street.

- What? No. - l don't wanna parade around.

l'm not like you. l care what they think.

ls this about the ad campaign? Did your agent scare the shit out of you?

l can't stand to be judged by you all the time.

You're a bigger, better person than me and whenever l look at you l'm reminded of that.

l'm sorry. l've been putting too much pressure on you.

- Maybe we should just... - No.

No.

l just... l can't. OK? Just forget it.

l can't. This is too hard.

l don't wanna be with you.

What were you doing last night around 9.1 5?

l don't know. l think brushing my teeth.

Did you feel anything? Because l was sending you reiki.

Oh, my God! Did you say 9.1 5?

- Reiki. lsn't that boring? - Really boring. Write it down.

You're under so much stress with everything that's going on with your mother.

lf you want, l could do some hands-on with you later.

l would love that. l would really love that.

l actually... l have this... l don't know if you can feel this.

- Can you feel that? - Yeah.

lt's definitely... blocked.

Hold on a second.

Hey. Hey, hey. Where's your woman?

She couldn't make it.

- That sucks. Are you all right? - Yeah, l'm fine.

Cool.

- Are you feeling that? - Yeah.

Yeah, l think so.

l'm working telepathically on your glutes.

Right.

You're carrying a lot of stress in your lower back and hips.

Right. Now... l'm releasing it.

OK.

Can l take your shirt off? lt might help.

Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course. lf you think it'll help.

- OK. - All right. (exhales)

Are you ready? Cheers.

Cheers.

(Latin Dance Mambo singing "Lupita")

(giggles)

One more, one more.

- One more? - Yes, one more.

Are we ready? Ready? Once again.

- Go. - Cheers.

Fabulous. OK.

Whoo!

♪ Hey hey

♪ Hey hey

♪ Hey hey

- Wait. - What? What?

l have something.

- You're kidding, right? - Why would l be kidding?

Because... because you're a man. You know? You got the real thing.

That's not how l wanna make love to you.

That's how l want you to, OK?

- But it goes against who l am. - Listen, you're a man.

You're a man named Lisa, but you're definitely a man.

l'm a lesbian... man.

Oh...

(Kia Kadiri sings "Hands Up")

♪ Put your hands up, put your hands up...

Dana's really getting down with her bad self.

And l bet her bad self is gonna feel real bad in the morning.

(sighs)

- How are you holding up? - Mm, not so good.

Do you think they have a 1 2-step programme for people who are addicted to domesticity?

♪ Put your hands up, put your hands up ♪

Oh, my God!

What? What's the matter?

What?

No, no, no. Don't do this.

What...

But you had a good time!

Slip under my cloak of boringness and no one will even notice we're gone.

♪ Un año de amor

♪ Si ahora tú te vas

♪ Pronto descubrirás

♪ Que los días son eternos

♪ Yvacíos sin mí

♪ Yde noche

♪ Yde noche

♪ Por no sentirte solo

♪ Recordarás nuestros días felices

♪ Recordarás el sabor de mis besos

♪ Yentenderás

♪ En un sólo momento

♪ Que significa

♪ Un año de amor

♪ Que significa

♪ Un año de amor ♪

(sniffs)

- (retching) - Hang in there. l got you.

Oh, baby, let it out. Let it go.

- (vomits violently) - (Shane) Oof!

Here's your hot milk and honey if you still want it.

- l love you. - Love you, too.

And l think you're the most exciting woman in all of Los Angeles.

Mm. Baby, will you turn off the light?

Hey, you guys, where are Bette and Tina?

- Boring. - Yeah, so boring.

l don't know.

l mean, think about it, what's more boring?

You can make endless lists.

You can bawl your head off and then puke over the side of the boat.

Or you get to go home

and sleep with the same person you've been in love with for seven years.

l don't know.

- Hey! - Shane.

- Shane... - Please get down.

Shane, you're freaking me out. Get down!

♪ ls it all right for me to feel this way?

♪ Put my head in your lap The world will go away

♪ Well, well, we can go there We can go anywhere

- ♪ We can go there - Yes...

- ♪ But is it all right? - Yes...

- ♪ ls it all right? - Yes...

♪ ls it all right

♪ To hold you through the night?

♪ ls it all right for you to feel this way?

♪ Put your head in my lap The world will go away

♪ We can go there, we can go anywhere

♪ We can go there

♪ But is it all right? ♪

Oh! Oh...

l'm fucking coming.

Wakey, wakey! Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to you?

- l got food poisoning. - Oh, God!

Tell whatshername to do you sober the night before a photo shoot.

- ls she up there? - No, she...

- l'll go get ready. - Yeah. Make yourself presentable.

Make-up artists will do the rest.

They can work wonders. Remember Gia?

Come on, five more. Don't give up.

- Not if you want buns of steel. - l don't want buns of steel.

l do, if l don't have to strap on that torture treatment.

- These girls like strap-ons. - Shut up!

- Oh now, you didn't say that! - And... done.

- (groans) - Come on, let's stretch.

- What's up? - What are you doing tonight?

A lot of paperwork. Why?

David called me the other day.

OK. So l'll leave you guys to it. Same time tomorrow?

- Yeah. - Good job. Bye.

Did you know he was gonna call me?

Dad said he might.

Don't be angry with me. l didn't tell you in case he didn't.

That's bullshit! This charade about him calling me

because Melvin says it's all right?

lt's bullshit!

l'm sorry you feel that way.

(sighs) l told him l would meet him tonight at six at his hotel.

l'm so scared.

Would you come with me?

l'll pick you up at 5.30.

(Marina) What are you thinking?

- l'm thinking that l'm very happy. - You are?

Yeah. And l can't believe that l'm so happy while Tim hurts so much.

Well, you deserve to be happy.

You know, l have my journals and my computer at Tim's and...

l was wondering if l could bring them here.

- You wanna bring them here? - Yes.

l'm not saying l wanna move in. lt would just be for a couple of days.

But l feel like l should be writing right now.

l would feel honoured.

- l think l could... - You should move here. Now. (laughs)

Really? 'Cause it's so beautiful the way the light is coming in through the windows.

l feel very inspired.

- You do? - l do.

Yes, you could... you could write on the desk

and looking over at the canals. And...

..you could write great works of literature that would go down in history.

Don't you wish there was a parallel universe?

- Parallel universe? - Yeah.

Where we could live out this fantasy.

Oh. You know, it wouldn't be for more than a week.

'Cause l... can't stay at Tim's any more and it would just be until l...

- l guess l have to find... - l would love to.

- You would love to? - l would love to. Oh, yes.

But Francesca's coming back tomorrow.

- Francesca? - Yeah.

She was in Rome, doing a ballet, and then four months in Budapest.

And... and doing a movie.

Who is Francesca?

Francesca. You know. l told you.

Everybody knows.

No. l don't know.

Where are you going?

Jenny, this is not the solution. We have to talk about this.

The difference between you and l... Francesca and l...

lt's so different.

She travels four to five months a year. She's a costume designer.

What's her last name?

Wolff. With two Fs.

Who are you?

Someone who cares about you.

You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices.

l've opened up your world.

- Fuck you. - Oh, Jenny...

Don't...

..touch me.

That's great, Dana! You look amazing.

Look out, Kournikova, here comes Dana Fairbanks.

- Let's not sit at the bar. - Don't be ridiculous.

- l'm not gonna drink tonight. - Tonight?

Come on.

- When did you last see me shit-faced? - That's not the point.

You and David have been brainwashed by Melvin

into thinking that l'm some kind of a falling-down drunk.

- l got it under control. - What can l get you?

A mineral water, please.

l'm sorry, l will have the same thing also.

Oh, better yet, l'll have a seltzer.

- How about a squirt of lime in that? - Sure.

OK.

l was having a drink when David called.

And l haven't had one since. lt's been two days.

- l'm gonna try. - That's good. At least you're trying.

- How do you do it? - l have no desire to drink.

No, l mean, how do you keep it all together?

You got it all down. Career, love... Now you're gonna have a family.

What? ls something wrong with Tina?

No, everything's fine, Tina's fine, everything's great.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, l just have things on my mind.

- But it's nothing. - l know what it is.

You are having the daddy blues.

You are worrying about all the responsibilities coming down on you.

The financial responsibilities, the ''l can't take any more risk'' responsibilities.

Now there are two other lives

that are totally dependent on you keeping everything together.

lt's a monster. lt's big.

Yeah, it is. l'm sure that's all it is.

Sure it is. 'Cause you and Tina are solid.

You've got a marriage like God chose you two to find each other.

That's a love you never wanna let go.

l've gotta go to the bathroom. l'll be right back.

(chatter)

(man) That's not my concern.

You are making one big production out of that.

l just want you to get your money's worth.

- Enjoy. - Skol, baby.

That was amazing. lt was really great.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Do you guys wanna see the preliminary art?

- Yeah. - Super. l got mock-ups over here.

Check these out. This is the one we like best. Our concept is...

We wanna position you as a gay Anna Kournikova.

- What? - The gay Anna Kournikova.

Hold on a second, guys! What are you talking about?

- This is not something we discussed... - l love it. l love it.

l wanna be the gay Anna Kournikova. l do.

- Well, that's great. - Wait a second, this is brilliant!

This is exactly the kind of thing we've been groping for. lt's a hook.

- That's why they pay you the big bucks. - l don't know about that.

Fantastic. Right, babe?

- You're fired. - Get outta here!

No, really. You're fired.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You've no idea how good this feels.

What time do you have?

Seven.

Maybe he got held up at his meeting. What time was he gonna finish?

lt was four o'clock.

That's not him, Kit.

- What did you say his name was? - David Waters.

Waters. Right.

Here he is. David Waters checked out about 45 minutes ago.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- He's about 25 years old. - Six feet tall, tan suit.

l checked him out myself. l saw him get into a cab, in fact.

l'm sure there's been a misunderstanding. We'll call him.

D'you want me to call him? l have his number in DC.

No.

You have no reason to be kind to me,

but l need to stay in my writing studio tonight.

Why?

What happened?

Please believe me when l say that l wish none of this had ever happened.

Jenny...

The things you say...

..have absolutely no meaning to me.

One night.

That's it.

♪ You say there's always Gonna be this thing...

Go round the back.

♪ Scorpions crawl across my screen

♪ Make their home beneath my skin

♪ Underneath my dress stick their tongues

♪ Bite through flesh down to the bone

♪ And l have been so fuckin'alone

♪ Since those three days

♪ Did you only want me For those three days?

♪ Did you only need me For those three days?

♪ Did you love me forever

♪ Just for those three days?

♪ You built a nest inside my soul

♪ You rest your head on leaves of gold

♪ You managed to crawl inside my brain

♪ You found a hole and in you came

♪ You sleep like a baby breathing

♪ Comfortably between truth and pain

♪ But the truth is Nothing's been the same

♪ Since those three days

♪ Did you only want me For those three days?

♪ Did you only need me For those three days?

♪ Did you love me forever

♪ Just for those three days?

♪ For those three days? ♪