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- But we live in a permissive society.

- Not on this street, we don't.

- Everybody's at it.

- Not with me, they're not.

- Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.

- Not this one.

I'm the silent majority.

- It's only manners these days.

Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.

God is love!

- Jesus!

We've never seen him in real life, though,

only his picture in the papers.

- Oh come on, Sandra, let's go.

- No I don't want to. I want to wait.

- I've had enough standing out here. It's stupid.

- But he might come in a minute.

- We waited ages yesterday, and he never turned up then.

- But that was yesterday. - He might be here today.

- I feel really daft standing here.

Come on, we're supposed to be going shopping.

Please let's go.

- Oh, no.

- I told you so, didn't I?

I feel a right twit now.

- I don't fancy yours.

- Which is mine?

- Any except the blonde.

- Oh, good.

- We're being stared at.

- Don't fancy yours.

- Which is mine?

- Any. Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.

- Thanks, neither do I.

- Fancy the one with the twitch?

- About as much as mao tse tung's grandad,

with all due respect, to his grandad.

- Ask them if they'll do a turn.

I thought we were given sex up

as a protest at never getting any.

- Ignore them.

Peace, man.

- Were you hoping to see Georgie best?

- He's in majorca.

- Come on then.

- We only get an hour for lunch.

- There's a discotheque in Albert square.

- Come on.

- I thought we were going for tights.

- It's our lunch hour.

- It's ours. We were going for lunch.

Shall I tell you something pretty

mind-blowing about majorca?

It's one place I've never been.

- I'm Geoffrey.

I don't happen to be attached.

- I'm beryl. I don't happen to be surprised.

I don't you worry I

j” love and rainy weather may sound funny j'

I but they go together fine I

j' every single time j“

I don't you worry I

j” love and rainy weather j'

j' first you're up there j'

j' on another plain and then you're nowhere j'

j' and the tears are raining down j'

j” it's a runaround j'

j” love and rainy weather j'

j“ sure can get you down j'

- not going twisting tonight then?

That's the modern name for it, isn't it?

Cutting a rug.

- Grooving, Mildred.

It's called grooving nowadays.

Grooving and/or fr eaking, right?

- What I'm not doing tonight?

- Right.

- Right on.

- Are you staying in tonight then?

- Tonight, tomorrow night, every night.

I might sell me overcoat.

- Life's not all pleasure, you know.

- Mildred, don't hassle the lad.

Hassle.

It's a different world today, Mildred.

- We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool

for what this Finney hatty cost.

- They do their own thing.

- The usual 1,300 weight?

- Now that's the new world that we worked for.

And fought for.

Full-page advert for contraception.

It's his birthright.

- I'm not hungry.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.

J' la, la iaj'

- I enjoy staying and chatting as an evening.

I find it fantastically enjoyable.

No, really. I really do.

Some people don't.

- Beryl, please take my word for it.

Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell

and invite you to the pictures.

- Paul McCartney who?

- He doesn't know you've been faithful to him

ever since "hard day's night."

And please don't say Paul McCartney who?

I sacrificed too much for your six 0 levels.

- Five.

- You were terrific in there, weren't you?

- I never touched you.

- Terrific self-control.

- What did you say your name was?

- Mind you, just a weekend would do with you, Paul.

Not a dirty weekend.

A disgusting one.

Night-night, Percy filth.

- Have you always been insatiable?

- It's not my fault.

It's just that I don't like blondes.

It's psychosomatic.

I'm sorry.

-Ah.

- Sandra.

Your hair's almost blonde in this light.

What's wrong?

- I'm just being brave.

- What about?

- Ending it all,

before we hurt each other too much.

- It's our first date.

- Probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?

- Not yet.

Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.

- Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?

Straight from Stanley Matthews to brigitte bardot you went.

Overnight.

That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.

- It's artistic, mother.

Like your tutankhamun butter dish.

- Got it.

- You now ask if I never want to see you again.

I say I do.

You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like

how about Sunday, half seven, outside central library?

- No, I don't.

Tomorrow, half seven, outside central library.

- Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?

- It does not.

- I thought it did.

Not until you've unfastened the pressed stud.

- I can see her doing your ironing,

and cooking, and cleaning.

You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.

- I don't intend to marry her, mother,

in case it interferes with my career.

We're just good friends.

- Good night.

- Miss bardot,

marry me.

You know what they say, once you've had a Manchester lad

you never touch anything else.

- United, united, united, united.

- About time and all.

- Peace, man.

Did you have a good time last night?

- Great.

- Did you?

- I stayed in for a change.

Did you get much?

Did you?

Did you know that raping Princess Anne

was a capital offence?

Not that I have done.

Stayed in for a change instead.

Ticket, I haven't got me ticket.

- We're late already.

- See you behind the goal then.

Well, a night's beauty sleep's

done nothing for her, snooty old bag.

Trendy,

crimson shoes with bottle green socks.

Must be going steady with a traffic light.

Still, who else would have him?

Anyway, they're all the same

in the dark, rumour has it.

Different girl every night.

I know the type.

Probably an omen

seeing her before the match.

Bet we lose, three-one.

Well I'm certainly not

making the first move.

At least I've got my pride.

- Oh, hi.

- Didn't see you.

- No, nor me.

- Are you going that way?

- Yeah, not especially, no.

Are you going there?

- Yeah, well, no.

I was sort of...

- Going to the football match?

- Are you?

- Shopping.

- Oh.

- I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.

-I am.

- Which are you?

- Any.

-I am.

- See you then.

- Tonight?

- Oh, I

- all right then.

- Right.

- Super socks.

- Did you see that?

They're all on drugs, the lot of them.

- Any score?

- Losing, three-one.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, I

I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.

- Hello, mate.

- Peace, man.

- Surprise, surprise.

- Surprise.

- Been anywhere controversial?

- Pictures, "the boyfriend."

- She's slim. - I'm just going to the urn

- oh, I'll come with you.

- Are you and beryl, you know?

- You know.

- Oh.

- Would you,

would you sort of reckon she's a

fair sort of bird, sort of?

- She's all right.

- I mean nothing sensational, obviously.

- Geoffrey, she's a bird.

- You having a coffee with us?

- No thanks, kid, Neville's ravenous.

- You've just eaten.

Oh of course, yeah, sorry.

- You see, what I think caruso was trying to do...

- By implication.

- Probably by implication

was to allow the images to provoke a moral response

from our own aestheticjudgement.

You see?

- Yes.

Was he the errand boy?

- Was who the errand boy?

- Ken-thingy.

- He directed it.

- Oh, yes.

I was probably thinking of Andy warhol.

- Probably.

- You're not like other boys at all, are you?

- Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.

- It's over 200 yards from the cinema,

and you talked to me the whole way, like a person.

Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.

- Sex.

- Marriage.

- The number of boys that asked me to marry them.

- A couple of dates and, pow, they want to get married.

I want to live a bit before I get married.

I suppose I just don't have a hangup about it.

- Getting married?

Actually, I find girls, most girls that is,

a bit obsessed these days.

- Not marriage?

- No, sex.

- Percy filth?

- Sex.

- That's what I said.

Oh.

- Not Percy filth motivated?

- Did you want to say any more about Andy warhol?

- Ken Russell?

- Yeah.

- I won't come in, with it being our first date.

- Oh.

- Anyway, me mum's gone to bed. We'd be on our own.

- Is that a reason for me not coming in then?

- Yes, Geoffrey.

- Nice house.

- Thank you.

- 25-year mortgage.

Well thanks for seeing me home.

Funny, isn't it, first date with someone.

It always leads to one of three things.

Either nothing, or something,

or everything.

- Don't think about Percy filth at this stage, beryl.

- I'm not.

- No, I'm not.

- Night-night, god bless.

I won't give you me phone number,

in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.

The easy way to remember it is, the three and the two

make five, which is two less than seven,

then two fours and half of four, which is two,

and half of two, which is one.

- But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.

- But you can if you do. - Do you want me to?

- Not if you'd rather not.

327, double four 21.

Night.

- Well hello, Mrs. Battersby,

beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.

- Oh me, all of me past life flashed before me then.

Can't be mother's day. You'd have forgotten.

Has there been an eclipse?

- Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.

What do you think of Andy warhol?

See, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...

- Who's Geoffrey?

- Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.

Ho, these things. Everything.

- Who's Geoffrey?

- He's fantastically intelligent.

See, Geoffrey's idea...

- Beryl, who's Geoffrey?

- Oh no one.

No one special.

His name's Geoffrey.

- How'd this beryl bird turn out last night then?

- What beryl bird?

- I told him.

- Does she, uh, does she uh?

- She doesn't then.

- You don't listen, do you?

I said...

- How about Sandra?

- Chips.

Jammy sod.

Not seeing him tonight then?

I have rather better things to do, thank you.

I said he was no one special.

- Have they got a phone here?

- Why?

- They haven't, have they?

- Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?

- If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?

- Look, are you fed up here?

- Are you?

- We'll split after this game.

- Anything you say.

- And go for a few at the king's head.

- Great.

And that ends our pro...

- Well, Monday tomorrow.

- Hallelujah.

- I don't know what you're paying for that phone,

but whatever it is, you're being done.

Good night.

- Morning. - Morning.

- John for pope.

- Long may he reign.

- Amen.

- What's going on?

- The pound's up again.

- Oh, god.

- Today's special. - Bloody travellers checks.

Here you are.

- Suddenly, everyone's going on holiday.

- Except us.

- Enjoy yourself while you're young.

- Why do we always to that?

93 times a day?

We never see anything.

J“ early one morning as the sun was rising j'

j' I heard the maiden singing in the valley below j'

- is my typing not disturbing your singing, I hope?

- Seeing Geoffrey on Sunday?

- Oh Geoffrey.

- That Neville's the greatest.

Is he dishy, or is he dishy?

Neville promised he's going to take me to...

- I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.

One date was enough.

- Why?

- He's cancer, and I'm libra.

- Hopeless.

Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.

- Five, five, which is, which is

three and two's five, which is two less than seven.

- I see the Spanish police are throwing

your lot out of Ibiza

- bank clerks?

- Your lot.

- Football supporters?

- Hippies.

- Oh, my lot.

At the third stroke,

It will be 7:22 and 50 seconds.

- That's it then, fate.

All over by 7:23 precisely.

Plenty more where she came from.

Is that the speaking clock?

Is that Geoffrey?

- Is that beryl?

Yes.

- Yes?

Hi.

- It's terrifically exciting, isn't it,

getting to know a person?

- Fantastic.

- I want to know all about you.

- That's what it's all about.

- For example, we have things in common already.

- Definitely.

- We're enormously fond of animals.

- Right.

- And we're both from Manchester.

Have you ever been abroad?

Have you?

Unless you count Istanbul.

- Istan

was it beyond belief?

- I don't know. I was only three.

- Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?

- Sometimes.

- What, now?

- No, just sometimes.

- Yes, I do.

Such a lot, isn't there?

In getting to know.

He was lithe and easy-iimbed.

His stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident

and his strong mouth ready to break

into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.

- You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.

Really, you know, lopsided.

- I don't think I have.

- It's in the eye of the beholder.

See?

- Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.

He holds it down with his little finger.

Must be marvellous being a man.

- It's okay, I suppose.

- Men can do anything.

Conquer Everest, do heart transplants.

Become leader of the opposition.

Anything.

- Geoffrey, n-o spells no.

- It's good for your circulation, beryl.

Read any women's magazine.

It's good for theirs too.

- I'm not sure they recommend Percy filth on Tuesdays.

- I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.

- Or Saturdays.

- Beryl.

Oh, beryl.

- Oh, Geoffrey bubbles bumble.

- Oh, beryl.

- Oh, Geoffrey.

- Oh! Beryl.

- Are you all right? - What exactly happened?

Don't tell me.

- I just had a sharp attack of dramatic irony.

- Come back.

They're better, it's better. I'm okay.

- I told you, it's going to pour.

- It's not.

It's only the angels crying.

- I know how they feel.

- Well don't blame me. - I haven't done anything.

- That's true.

- That's not true, beryl. I have apologised.

I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.

Independent observers thinking I'm training

to be a cossack dancer.

- It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.

You better apologise again.

- I apologise again.

- Gosh, this lousy line.

How would Geoffrey like to come to tea on Sunday?

- Is that who I think it is?

- No, dear.

- Well, isn't this nice?

- Sardine sandwich?

- Are they all sardine?

- She got her own trawler?

- I was speaking to Geoffrey.

What's happening in the world, I blame the politicians.

- For what's happening. In the world.

- I don't speak Portuguese.

- Tasty?

- They're in oil.

- That's enough. She's got a bad leg.

- The bread's extremely wholesome.

- I have this little baker down the road.

He does something with the bleach.

- Yes.

- I can't do a lot of conversations

about sardine sandwiches.

My mind goes blank.

I start thinking about life after death.

- Oh, that Neville, honestly.

Number of hearts he musta broken.

Every girl in Manchester nearly.

- Geoffrey definitely has, probably even more.

Air hostesses,

all sorts.

- Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.

- I haven't had one yet.

- White man speak with forked tongue.

- Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.

- Wow, is that the time, at this moment in time?

- Is Neville the insanely jealous type?

- Not in the slightest.

- You're lucky.

- Why, is Geoffrey?

- Wow.

- You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?

- Of course not, why should I be?

- Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey. Forget it.

That's all in the past.

They're nothing to be jealous about.

Who needs drama?

- So I shouted back at her,

no shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.

And then Neville nearly belted me for swearing.

- He thumped you? Walloped you one?

- No. I said nearly.

- You'll never thump me, will you, like Neville does Sandra?

She adores it.

- Of course not.

Geoffrey, Percy filth isn't the only thing in life.

- It isn't even one of the things in mine.

- You used to talk to me.

- All right, let's talk.

- Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.

- Why, is your mum going out?

- May as well pack it in really.

- Why?

- Why not?

- Good thinking.

Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.

- You too, it was real

- psychedelic?

- You can keep me grateful dead lp.

It was scratched anyway.

- It's been a gas.

- Groovy.

I won't wave from the window.

- No, I won't look back anyway.

Good.

- It's been a gas.

- You've said that once.

- You're well rid, beryl.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

- About three very lonely sardines.

- Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.

You know you can't do it.

You'll never thump me, will you, Geoffrey?

Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.

Are we going to Percy filth?

No, we're going to pack it in.

Don't say that, please don't say that.

- Sandra.

- Your Sandra?

- Mine.

- Two months?

- Two months, nine days.

- Is she positive?

- The test was.

- What are you gonna do?

- She'll think of something.

- Sandra, it's stupendous.

Congratulations, I hope you'll both be very happy.

- Oh thanks, kid.

- Sandra, I don't know how you do it.

- John for pope?

- Long may he reign.

- Aren't you, uh?

And you're, uh?

- That's right.

- Going somewhere incredible?

- I'm meeting me parents.

Taking them to see "Fiddler on the roof.“

- that's pretty incredible. Your mummy and daddy?

- Uh, hell, no, that's tomorrow.

If I'm in the mood.

- Where are you off?

- Depends where you take me.

- What I was saying about your friend with the glasses

- Roland, is that I found him intellectually unaware

and psychologically incredibly boring.

- He's not bad at snooker.

- And how are you and little beryl?

- Didn't she tell you?

- I don't work there anymore.

- I packed her in.

Good.

Does she turn you on?

- Beryl?

- Her.

- I hadn't really looked.

You seen one, you seen them all.

- Not quite all.

I'll go and get me coat.

- Must be me birthday.

- Boys aren't the only thing in life, beryl.

I do wish you'd find one.

They aren't all after Percy filth.

Yes they are.

- Oh, you were terrific on the bus.

- Terrific self-control.

- Joan of arc never married,

yet she led a fully and happy life.

Or am I thinking of someone else?

- Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.

I happen to be interested in having early nights

and writing poetry in bed with me new felt-tip pen.

- It's run out of ink. I used it for my laundry list.

- My god, your generation's got a few things to answer for.

- Please. Don't.

Please, you can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.

- Let's go inside then.

- Smooth-talking bastard.

- It is me birthday.

- What about the boy with the freckles

from Shakespeare Crescent?

- I don't believe that question.

- You used to be crazy about him.

- I was 11 years old.

He used to let me choke on his tortoise.

- What's your name again?

- What's yours?

- That's not your real name.

- No, Steven.

- Ooh, god, that turns me on.

When I first met you in the street,

I thought just a quiet drink and a chat.

- Shows you the art of conversation isn't dead.

Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.

- Testing.

Oh, Geoffrey, many happy returns of the day.

I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.

- I'm fed up.

- Who are you?

- What are you fed up about?

- Teachers don't have to do homework.

- They just Mark it.

Anyone can Mark it. They've got the answers.

- Do you know it's after two o'clock?

- What's he doing here then?

- Well, this is your uncle Steven.

This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.

- How do you do?

- Do mum and dad know he's here?

- Jeremy, bed.

- I could always wake them up and tell them.

- Jeremy, little boys need sleep.

- Even big astronauts.

- Do you know where babies come from?

Do you?

- Say no.

- Say yes. - Shall I tell you?

- He knows.

- The man has this male organ and some blood cells

and erectile glands, and there's these 500 billion

spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.

And they go through his male organ into the female

uterus that the lady has.

- Who told you that?

- Then they go through the fallopian tubes after that.

One of them fertilises with a female egg.

The others don't bother.

Anyway, that's what you have to do.

And then you have a baby.

- Did they teach you that at school?

- They were doing woodwork in the next class.

People can only make babies at certain times of the year.

But animals, like dogs and cats, and rats I think,

do it all the time.

- No, um,

that's people.

- Well, people do it all the time.

Whenever they feel like it.

- In the next class you can do metalwork

if you don't like woodwork.

- Good night, Jeremy.

25p?

- 50.

- 50.

- Good night, uncle Steven.

- Would you care for a government health warning?

Hey, Veronica.

- Yes.

Who in the hell is uncle Steven

at 10 past two in the morning?

- A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.

Good night, love.

- Look, we would have done that, wouldn't we?

- You can't win them all, can you?

- Anyway, do you good going without for a change.

Still, there's always another day.

- Tomorrow?

- Tomorrow's another day.

- Sh, sh. Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.

- I'm joining the wrens for three years.

- The royal Navy's wrens.

This time tomorrow, I'll be in barracks with about 50

other girls and 30,000 sailors.

Hope I like it.

- Well, thanks for nearly everything.

We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?

- Well obviously.

- We as good as did, in a way, really. Almost.

- Just keep telling yourself and we will have, only better.

Good night, love.

- Ciao, beryl.

- Morning, previous generation.

What's for breakfast?

- You knew it was your mother's birthday.

Now, what we would like to know is where were you

when we were fiddling on the flaming roof?

- I'm sorry, mum.

I'll take you out another night. Something cropped up.

- Dad, you understand.

- I don't, Geoffrey.

- Well you always say you do.

- Geoffrey, you're at it every night.

- Yes, dad.

- And we don't complain.

- No, dad.

- But last night was different.

- I knew you'd understand.

- John for pope.

- Long may he reign.

- Amen.

- What's going on?

- Pound's down again.

- Opened down like a pair of knickers.

- You should know.

- Or me.

Know what I mean?

What a night.

Including action replays in slow motion.

Hey, lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.

- No, it's true.

- Yes, Geoffrey.

- It is.

- Yes, Geoffrey.

- Bloody is.

- Poor Geoffrey.

- Beryl, please, it's Neville's engagement party as well.

We had to invite him.

- He'll see me. It's cruel.

- He'll see other girls.

- I shan't take him back, Sandra.

I shan't.

- It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.

- Don't know much about men, do you, love?

It was doing him a kindness, really,

finally splitting up.

He only had one ambition in life.

Send my knickers to oxfam.

Good job she hasn't joined the ranks.

The entire Navy would go on strike.

I expect he's sorry now.

I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.

She might have changed, of course.

If she has, I might let her be in an orgy now and again.

He's got to accept we've finally split up.

Othennise, I definitely won't take him back.

Well I'm certainly not

making the first move.

At least I've got me pride.

- Hello, beryl baby.

- Didn't see you.

- No, nor me.

And how's Manchester city doing

without me cheering them on then?

- United. We're winning every game now.

- Ah, good.

And what's new with Geoffrey then?

I asked you what was new with you.

- I answered you.

- Did you?

- Need I say more?

- How's beryl baby getting on then?

- Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic

about you calling me beryl baby.

It isn't like you.

- You can say that again, beryl baby.

- What's your name, handsome?

- You'll laugh. Everybody laughs.

It's the story of my life.

- You tell it like it is, chum.

- She's putting on an act.

- What do you care?

- I don't.

- Is she going to get into bed with him now?

- Probably.

- Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.

- Well, it's very exhausting.

- Working at a bank.

- Oh.

- Hi. Had this bad scene.

This chick decided to split.

So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.

This cat gets it together where he's at, man.

Lots of beautiful bank, baby.

So if you want a piece of the action,

don't cool it.

Dig?

- I'm sorry. I no understand English.

- Gesundheit.

- I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.

- It's warming up, isn't it?

- Great beat, isn't it?

Great to dance to.

- Do you agree that life's an onion?

- If so, what's death?

- A banana.

- Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.

- Have you read schopenhauer's "concept of existence"?

But I've seen the film.

- Are you married?

- Grab yourself an adage. - Marriage is a cabbage.

- Are you a poet?

- Never ask the questions. - Ask the answers.

- You are a poet.

- To any manager marks expenses.

Ciao.

- Arrivederci.

- Now he's taking his clothes off.

- "Casanova."

- What's that like?

- Come on now. You know that's not where it's at.

Let's get this word for word.

Let's get it clear.

Let's get down to the real nitty gritty's fill, okay?

Women's lib is not about burning bras. Papers, yeah.

- What papers?

- Marriage certificate, dog's licence,

whatever you prefer to call it.

- Let's be basic about this, enid.

All girls want marriage, and a baby.

- Really basic. You want to be really basic?

- Utterly basic.

- Balls.

- Grass?

- Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.

Like herself.

Not me, of course, because I incredibly

value my independence, but most girls definitely want...

- Balls.

- If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation

without recourse to...

- I'm not recoursing to anything.

I'm merely telling you what girls want.

- Would you please stop saying that?

- You believe in free love, right?

- Wrong, I believe in free everything.

Freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination.

Honestly, don't you understand?

- Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.

- Beryl, grass?

- No thank you.

- Excuse me, excuse me, you've got your hand on me.

- Oh, sorry. Wow, man, sorry.

- It's all right.

It's a pleasure.

- Grass?

- Geoffrey, you're not to.

- Why not?

- I said don't. You're not to smoke it.

Oh wow.

- We're as liberated as you, enid.

- We have equal importance as individuals.

- Neither of us is boss.

- Just doesn't rise.

- Go make some coffee, dear.

- You see, what we believe is...

- Now.

- Right.

- You see...

- Well one.

I can see there's only one way to get through.

- What are you doing?

- Lighting everybody's fire.

Burn my bra.

- Right, that's it, finished.

The end. Full stop.

We're finally split up.

Neville, Sandra wants you, I should imagine.

Sad, isn't it?

- Well I can't follow plays these days.

- It's just showing real life, that's all.

- I once thought I'd found her.

The perfect girl.

Not too skinny.

Very gentle and shy.

Passionate when aroused.

She packed me in for picking me teeth with a matchstick.

- You're very sweet, Roland.

- I've always thought you were.

- Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?

- It's just I'm a bit tired.

- No, it's nice.

I don't think I've washed that one.

- Oh, sorry.

- Do you know...

- What, beryl? You can ask me anything.

- Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?

- He's upstairs, I think.

Is it true they dry on their own?

- Usually.

- Oh.

I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.

- You'll be all right, honest.

- She said I shouldn't smoke it.

- Geoffrey?

Geoffrey?

Sorry.

Geoffrey?

Move up a bit, Geoffrey.

With your legs.

That's better.

It's because it's your first time, isn't it?

- Call Dr. Weisberg on crums mill road.

- It wasn't marijuana, you know.

- What was it then?

- Grass.

- Grass is marijuana.

- This grass wasn't.

It was the real thing.

From the front lawn.

- Is that you, beryl?

Had a nice time?

Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.

Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.

Even though I've been in bed since 10

having a good night's worry.

Did you see Geoffrey?

That's good.

- Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?

- I didn't try at all.

Gave it a rest.

I'm right off birds.

For good.

Me too.

And me.

- Good morning. Your mother would like to know if you have

a reservation at this hotel.

- Good night.

- Beryl.

Beryl.

Geoffrey.

Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?

Oh, beryl.

Oh, Geoffrey.

- Hello. - I' m off.

- Will you be requiring the room again, sir?

Because we're thinking of taking in bookies

for the next pop festival!

Bugger.

I don't know who he takes after.

It's me.

- My god, that's symbolic.

- Oh, hello, beryl.

- I'm just ringing to tell you I never want

to see you again.

If you ever phone or call, please don't

because I shan't be in.

Tonight or any other night.

Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum

at the school jumble sale.

- Small world.

Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.

I was looking for a nice lampshade.

- Probably this one.

Definitely, magic in satin.

- Oh certainly, Geoffrey.

Look who's here in his nice crimson shoes.

You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?

- I'm a child of the universe, beryl.

I have a right to be here.

- I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on sundays.

Try the co-op.

- Beryl, listen. - If you can smell burning,

it's just the vicar's been round burning his jockstrap.

- Beryl, listen. - Can I help you, madame?

- Have you got that in another colour?

- No, madame.

- I'll leave it then.

- Listen to what, for heaven sake?

- Doesn't matter.

- You wouldn't anyway.

- Wouldn't what?

- Go to the match with me on Saturday.

With 40,000 skinheads and you?

- Told you.

- Who are they playing?

In the cup.

- I've always wanted to watch huddersfield town.

- They're, they're fourth from the bottom.

- Shows you.

- Away from home, they've won three,

drawn five and lost 12.

- Drawn five.

- So what do you think?

- I think I nearly love you.

- Never mind, it's only a game.

- I thought you said you nearly loved me.

- Boo, ooh, get out.

- I don't recall grace Kelly enticing prince rainier

by going to watch united, I may be wrong.

- Grace who?

- We live in a permissive society, beryl.

Read any colour supplement.

- Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.

- I am, love, and it wasn't through

going to football matches.

- You are the same mother that makes me tug me skirt down

every time I stand up even if he's only on the phone?

- Yes, we", boys are very sick, and I am your mother.

- That's what I said.

- I don't mean permissive permissive.

Romantic.

- Kissing, cuddling, things of that nature.

- What you just said.

Good.

Not too much, I hope.

- Oh, god.

- Boys are very funny.

- They're novices compared to mothers.

- Did I tell you that two new people have moved

into the house opposite with the green curtains?

- Oh.

- Two new people have moved into the house opposite

with the green curtains.

- Fantastic.

- The cowgills.

Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.

Married couple.

Newlyweds.

Not long married.

You'll go bald doing that.

- Doing what?

- Did I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved

into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?

Living in sin.

Can you say one single sentence

without the word marriage in it?

If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay

would have beaten rocky marciano,

would you say what's it matter

so long as they're happily married?

- I don't think so.

- Beryl would.

- Giving you a bad time, is she?

- I wouldn't say that.

- I haven't even mentioned the word.

- Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship

with another single person without everyone thinking

she's automatically out to...

- I never said you were.

- You think it.

All right, Geoffrey,

I hereby promise never to utter the word again.

- Marriage?

- Never.

Well, until I am, if! Ever do.

Which I fervently hope I never will.

- For someone who's not uttering something,

when's your lp coming out?

No two people have a divine right

to happiness, Geoffrey.

You mustn't feel guilty about me.

- Sorry.

No one can say you've

completely ruined me life.

Not yet.

- What are you staring at?

- You all right, son?

- Terrific.

- Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then?

Your mother's theory is you're overworking.

- My theory is you're overdoing it with some Dolly bird.

- Oh.

- What's your theory?

- Indigestion.

- Oh.

- What's yours, Sundance?

- Hasn't he said anything at all?

- He has said one thing.

- Oh, what's that?

- If god had meant sardines to be in oil

he'd have given them dipsticks, all right.

Weeks, and months, drag by,

and with neither side willing to compromise,

we still have deadlock.

Her majesty's government have consistently tried

to find a way out of this dilemma.

Another wild night learning what

n-o spells and how many of her

school pals are getting married.

And what n-o spells.

And what n-o spells, great.

I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.

And so society, that's you and me,

says end this dispute.

End it now.

Good night.

- Here here.

- Good, weren't it?

- Terrific, especially when he said good night.

- We're just enjoying ourselves.

- Having a good time.

- Just having fun.

- Being happy!

- Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself

crying hard again in the middle of a zebra crossing

for no reason at all.

You are sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?

- Absolutely positive.

That was the first film we ever saw together.

- Make that three a day after meals.

Look, beryl, how's this

for a peace plan?

You join a marriage bureau,

and I'll get a job on the stage.

Twice nightly in Denmark. Then we'll both be happy.

Right? Right.

Jesus Christ superstar, amen.

- Oh, hell.

- Pound's up again.

- See you tomorrow.

- Where do you think you're going?

- Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.

- It's important.

I keep asking you what is?

- To be on our own.

- So's we can talk.

- I had a whole speech worked out on the bus this morning.

The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.

- Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester united

and grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.

- Grace who?

- She was playing for united as well. Weird, isn't it?

- The main thing is,

we do communicate.

- Oh, we do.

- What basically I wanted... - See what I think

- go on.

- No, you, mine wasn't important.

- Mine wasn't.

Beryl?

Are you

happy?

- Course.

Very.

-I am.

- No one is every second of every minute of every day.

I'm not.

- Do you think it's because we love

each other, do you think?

- Probably.

- You've not actually said the words often.

- Not in so many words.

- Mostly in words to that effect.

Is there anything you don't love about me?

- No, don't think so.

- Honestly no?

- Nothing.

- If there is - there isn't.

- You just tell me, and I'll stop doing it.

- There isn't anything, honest.

Good.

It wouldn't upset me, it would just make me

a better human being to deserve your love.

Like, you know,

crimson shoes and bottle green socks.

- You don't wear crimson shoes

and bottle green socks, beryl.

- If I did, I'd stop, to please you.

- I see.

- No need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.

In a meaningful relationship, you must like

even what you don't.

- Your mother.

- I like your mother.

- Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.

- And her lampshades.

- Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.

- Well you ought to know. You've almost made it an art form.

- Anything else at random?

- You got 24 hours to spare?

- After all, I'm no brigitte bardot.

- According to reliable sources

in San tropez, she's 105 next birthday.

- Over 98% of the male population of Manchester

and Salisbury can tell the difference

between brigitte bardot and beryl battersby.

Ask any opinion poll. I'm much fatter, for a start.

- You're not all that fat, beryl.

-I am.

- Start slimming.

- Men like something to get hold of.

- If they're allowed to get hold of it.

- You always succeed in getting back to Percy filth

in the end, don't you, always?

- No, I don't, beryl.

You do. I always fail.

- Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?

The extremely likeable way some boys

stare at every girl they see.

- Boys like it when girls tell them what n-o spells,

especially for the 600th time, that they really dig.

- You never say dig.

- I did then.

- You're passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men

kicking a ball about, that's really lovable.

- I never knew you thought that.

I do now, though.

- I used to say dig before I met you.

Used to say all sorts of things.

There's a lot about me I can't even remember.

- Thinking what I'm thinking?

- We just don't like each other.

- That's all.

- Well goodbye then.

- Peace, man.

St. John's square.

- St. John's square, please.

- So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats,

two rumpus suits, and what else do I need?

Oh yes, a ring.

- A teething ring?

- Wedding ring.

- Of course.

- Oh, there are gorgeous prems in the shops these days.

No wonder everyone's at it.

Oh sorry.

- What about?

- Skip it.

About time too, which is sympathy.

Not that I need any. I never been as happy in me life.

She doesn't know that.

- If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,

it's because I'm feeling happy for you.

- We know what you must be thinking.

- Of course we do.

- I've got to pop the pink one in without going off.

- Ace?

- She used to wear pink, you know. I won't tell you where.

A hell of a lot more where hers came from. Wow.

- Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?

- N-o spells no.

Super day for it.

- Shouldn't be inside a day like this.

- Well, Sandra, this is it.

- Yep.

- The big day.

- Yep.

- Going to the crunch.

- I daresay it'll hardly break me heart

in the slightest seeing him again.

You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,

because I most definitely won't be.

- And what's more no one will know that I am.

Because I shan't.

Truly.

Sandra, please, you have enough to think of.

It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?

- And now one of the bride and groom on their own.

Do you mind stepping back, sir?

Fine.

- Is this far enough.

- Here?

- About there, lovely.

You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.

- Wow, official permission to actually kiss her.

- Oh, sorry.

That's right, hold it.

Lovely, thank you.

All right now, a nice family group, please.

- Funny, I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.

- How have you been?

- Absolutely great. You?

- Never better, ever.

- It's all over now, bar the salmon salad.

- It's tuna fish.

- Looks like.

See president Nixon went to China, no?

- That was before we ever met.

I know.

Why, something happened about it?

No.

Could I trouble you for the salad cream please?

- Oh.

Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems

to sort out on earth to solve without going to the moon.

- Nixon?

- What, is he going?

- The astronauts.

- Oh.

- It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.

We never really talked, did we, about things that matter.

- Good, isn't it?

- Shows we're friends.

- Now that we know we don't like each other.

- Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.

- I know.

- We've really grown up, haven't we?

Me mother's convinced herself we split up

because we had too much Percy filth.

- I'm right off it myself.

I've been able to walk off urges

perfectly normally for the past few weeks.

- Aw, I expected it's only temporary.

- I hope not. It's marvellous.

Good.

- I don't fancy you in the slightest now.

- Thank you, love.

- Still off the food, I notice.

- And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.

- Fantastic.

- For example, say I finally did marry someone like you,

only someone I love.

I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes

and bottle green socks every night.

And you'll probably meet some little fatty

who's never even heard of Kenny warhol

and marry her three days later.

- We probably won't see each other at all, now we're pals.

- I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.

- Oh yeah.

- I'm helping Sandra pack a going-away case.

- Where's she going?

- Hospital.

- Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.

- Hello, Mrs. Battersby.

You won't remember me.

Good afternoon, Geoffrey.

- Oh, is, uh,

is beryl there please?

She's gone to the football match.

There is no football. It's cricket now.

Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?

- In about three months.

Football season's over now, beryl.

- Well what on earth did you want to come for?

- I forgot.

I'm not all that interested these days.

- Where do we go now then?

- Don't know.

Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.

How about you?

- Might go and get a new pair of tights.

Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty.

- Fancy a stroll in the country?

- May as well, if you like.

Don't mind. Why not?

- Just as friends?

- Oh I meantjust as friends.

- Yeah, I did.

I'd shoot it in.

You could go in goal.

Amazing how people change, isn't it?

- Well we're certainly much happier without each other.

- We'll be even happier with someone else.

- Anyone really.

- There's millions to choose from.

- All nearly exactly right for us.

You'll find someone, Geoffrey.

- You will, beryl.

- Just a matter of keeping your eyes open really.

- Picking one out of the crowd.

- United, united, united.

United, united, united.

United, united.

J' and you find sometimes j'

j' love and rainy weather can turn out fine j'

j' getting wet together's fun I

j' when the crying stops j'

j” love and rainy weather j'

I are followed by the sun j'

j' love and rainy weather, hm, hm, hm, hm j“

j” love and rainy weather j'

j' when the crying stops j'

j” love and rainy weather j'

I are followed by the sun j'

j' love and rainy weather, ah j“