Original subtitles

HEY, ROXANNE,

YOU GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU GOT TIME TO CLEAN,

ALL RIGHT? LET'S GO.

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

WHAT A TOOL.

OH, GOOD. HE BROUGHT HIM.

OH. DIVINE, NO?

HEY!

AH, AH, AH, AH. NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHO RAISED YOU?

WOLVES?

WE MAKE SOME INTRODUCTIONS

BEFORE WE REACH FOR THE DRUGS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

FUCK!

HARRY, SHANE. SHANE, HARRY.

YOU ARE DELICIOUS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM?

I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.

I WAS GOING TO...

OOH, TELL ME. TELL ME WHAT?

WELL, HARRY, SHANE'S...

SHANE'S A WHAT?

SHANE IS AN EX-CON. A MURDERER, PERHAPS.

OH, GOD, PLEASE TELL ME

YOU'RE NOT HETEROSEXUAL.

I'M A GIRL.

A FEMALE...

HARRY.

YEAH.

MY, MY, MY.

ANDROGYNY CONFOUNDS, DOESN'T IT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, I SUPPOSE IT'S REVOLUTIONARY,

BUT I MUST ADMIT, I AM DISAPPOINTED,

BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE SKINNY BOYS

THAT HAVE...

OOH...

THE BIGGEST COCKS.

YOU'RE A FUCKING CHARMER,

YOU KNOW THAT?

MM!

JUST GORGEOUS.

SHANE...

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

YOU DON'T FEEL SICK, DO YOU?

JUST AWAKE.

THAT FEELS GOOD, THOUGH.

YOU CAN SLEEP

ON THE WHOLE PLANE RIDE.

WE'LL HAVE A COUPLE OF HOURS

AT THE HOTEL, TOO,

JUST BEFORE THE OPENING.

IF YOU COULD HAVE

ANYTHING RIGHT NOW,

WHAT WOULD IT BE?

SOMETHING COLD, LIKE SORBET,

ONLY SWEETER,

LIKE THOSE, UM...

ROCKET POPSICLE THINGS.

A SLURPEE?

YEAH.

OKAY.

A SLURPEE.

YOU KNOW,

SHANE AND I TURNED TRICKS

IN SANTA MONICA FOR SIX MONTHS.

REALLY?

WHAT DID OUR FRIEND DO?

SHE ONLY GAVE HAND JOBS,

NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY OFFERED HER.

SHE COULD'VE MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

WELL, THAT...

IS CALLED INTEGRITY.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S NOT SOMETHING

THAT YOU CAN BUY OR STEAL, IS IT?

DO YOU THINK, UH...

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD...

OH, SHANE? OH, NO, NO.

SHE'S THROUGH WITH THAT. NO.

SHE'S A HAIR STYLIST NOW.

WELL, SORT OF A JUNIOR ASSISTANT SHAMPOO GIRL

ASPIRING...

SO, ARE YOU GOOD AT IT?

AM I GOOD AT WHAT?

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SEND YOU

CHERIE JAFFE.

SHE'S MY BUSINESS PARTNER'S WIFE,

AND IF THERE'S

A CORPORATION OF HOLLYWOOD WIVES,

CHERIE JAFFE IS THE CEO.

SO WHAT?

SO, IF SHE LIKES WHAT YOU DO TO HER,

YOU'LL BE THE HOTTEST HAIRDRESSER

HOLLYWOOD HAS EVER SEEN

BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.

HAVE A BUMP, CLIVE.

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

IS THIS NOT THE COOLEST-LOOKING BULLET

YOU HAVE EVER SEEN?

GOOD.

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE BLOW. WHAT IS THAT?

EVERYONE'S DOING OXY THESE DAYS.

HEY. HARRY LOVES YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE HUGE, SHANE.

THANK YOU.

NICE WORK.

SORRY.

WAS I MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE?

NO. NO, I JUST...

TINA HAD A LATE-NIGHT CRAVING.

DO YOU...

DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I MEAN, IT WAS A TOTAL SHOCKER.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED

JENNY WOULD EVER BE UNFAITHFUL TO ANYONE...

I MARRIED HER, BETTE.

EIGHT HOURS AFTER I WALKED IN ON HER

WITH MARINA'S HEAD BETWEEN HER LEGS,

WE'RE SAYING, "I DO"

IN SOME WHITE-TRASH CHAPEL

IN TAHOE.

OH.

YEAH.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WE DO...

WE DO CRAZY THINGS SOMETIMES

WHEN WE THINK WE'RE GOING TO LOSE SOMEONE,

BUT I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU DID IT.

I JUST...

WOKE UP

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

IN THAT HOTEL ROOM.

I'D NEVER FELT SO EMPTY,

SO FULL OF NOTHING.

I...

I LEFT HER THERE.

I JUST WALKED OUT ON HER,

AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS.

LISTEN, I KNOW...

I KNOW IT MUST REALLY HURT,

BUT...

JENNY IS A WRITER, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WRITERS CRAVE EXPERIENCE.

I MEAN, WHAT IF THAT'S ALL IT WAS

WITH MARINA?

WHAT, CRAVING EXPERIENCE?

YOU THINK SO?

I THINK IT WAS YOU FUCKING DYKES,

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

HEY, DON'T CURSE US ALL, OKAY?

THAT'S WHY TINA AND I LEFT YOUR DINNER PARTY,

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE ANY PART OF IT.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS ALREADY GOING ON THEN?

TIM, I DIDN'T...

I'M SO SORRY. I...

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING...

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I MEAN, YOU'RE MY FRIEND,

AND SOMETIMES...

PEOPLE KILL THE MESSENGER.

HOW LONG WAS IT GOING ON?

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK JENNY THAT QUESTION.

WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL ME THE TRUTH, BETTE?

I MEAN, NO MORE THAN A MONTH.

HOW MANY TIMES?

TIM, I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT.

WHAT, 10? 100?

I MEAN, COME ON, BETTE.

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, RIGHT?

I AM YOUR FRIEND.

I JUST... I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

TIM,

FOR YOU, MY HEART,

RIPPED FROM MY CHEST.

EVISCERATED, I AM.

HELLO?

NO, I DON'T WANT

TO FUCKING SWITCH LONG DISTANCE COMPANIES.

OKAY, WE'RE STAYING AT THE SOHO GRAND,

AND THE MUSEUM OF NEW ART IS IN MIDTOWN,

SO THAT MEANS THE CAR HAS TO BE THERE BY 6:30,

SO WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO SIT IN TRAFFIC.

OKAY?

ALL RIGHT. THANKS, JAMES.

BYE.

DO YOU FEEL REALLY AWFUL?

BUT YOU CAN SLEEP THE WHOLE PLANE RIDE.

WE'RE IN FIRST CLASS.

HOW AMAZING IS THAT?

YEAH, I KNOW.

THE PEABODY FOUNDATION

ACTUALLY INCLUDED MY NAME

ON THE INVITATION.

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

WE'RE NOT "BETTE PORTER AND GUEST."

I'M GOING TO PAMPER YOU.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO A THING.

I CAN PRACTICALLY CARRY YOU THERE.

OKAY?

OOH.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT UP TO THIS, ARE YOU?

NO, NO,

I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

I'M GOING TO...

I'M GOING TO PULL IT TOGETHER.

I AM.

OKAY.

I'M JUST GOING TO SIT DOWN.

I JUST NEED TO BREATHE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOUR HEALTH IS BY FAR

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW,

AND IF YOU NEED TO STAY HOME, I WILL BE OKAY.

ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU.

I REALLY WANT TO BE THERE.

I WOULD RATHER YOU CAME,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO DO

WHAT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU TO DO.

OKAY?

I'M SORRY.

I WISH I FELT BETTER.

GURUDEV RECOMMENDED A CHINESE HERBALIST

WHO HAS A CURE FOR MORNING SICKNESS.

I'LL CALL AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD. I MEAN, IF GURUDEV SAID...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M REALLY WORRIED

ABOUT LEAVING YOU HERE BY YOURSELF.

NO, I'M GOING TO BE FINE.

DON'T WORRY.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT GOING TO NEW YORK WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO CALL ME ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON.

YOU WILL, RIGHT?

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS.

OH, GOD.

AND WE CAN HAVE GO-GO DANCERS.

HOT, SEXY GIRLY-GIRLS.

NO. NO.

WHAT WE NEED IS SUPER-BUTCH GIRLS

THAT DON'T TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES.

UNLESS THEY WANT TO.

UH, OKAY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO CALL IT?

WHAT ABOUT FUCKWAD?

BORING. LABIA.

LABIA'S TOO CLINICAL.

YEAH, TOO '70s.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT...

TWAT?

OOH.

TWAT IS GREAT.

I LOVE TWAT.

ME, TOO.

THE NIGHT.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL GET ANGRY?

FUCK 'EM.

THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T HAVE

PENISES IN OUR FACE

EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

EXACTLY.

THE NIGHT...

"DEAL WITH IT."

UH-HUH.

GO, TWAT!

SHANE, WHERE ARE YOU?

IT IS REALLY, REALLY LONELY HERE AT THE PLANET.

AND YOUR ROOMMATES ARE OVER HERE SAYING "TWAT"

LIKE THEY HAVE TOURETTE'S SYNDROME,

AND DANA AND LARA LEFT,

AND ALL THEY WERE DOING

WAS GIVING ME THE "WE FUCKED ALL NIGHT

AND NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD MATTERS" VIBE.

IT WAS GROSS.

ANYWAY, I WISH YOU'D COME BE SURLY AND CYNICAL WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

HI. NO. I MEAN, YEAH.

SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOUR MOM?

DID SHE GET THE PART IN THAT MOVIE?

WOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REMEMBER THAT.

WELL, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YOU SEEMED PRETTY STRESSED WHEN SHE PHONED.

YEAH.

WELL, IT GOT A LOT WORSE,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT...

THAT'S BORING. YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

TALK TO ME.

OKAY.

UM, ALL RIGHT, WELL, UH...

MY MOTHER SPENT ALL HER MONEY.

THERE WAS NEVER ANY PART IN ANY MOVIE.

UM, LET'S SEE.

SHE'S IN DEBT UP THE WAZOO,

SO NOW HER PALM SPRINGS CONDO'S BEING FORECLOSED ON,

AND NOW MY BROTHER AND SISTER BOTH THINK

THAT I SHOULD LET HER LIVE WITH ME,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE MARRIED, THEY HAVE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE DEAL.

THEY THINK YOU'RE INHERENTLY LESS-THAN.

THEY TREAT YOU LIKE A SERF AND ORDER YOU AROUND

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EMBRACED THEIR CONVENTIONAL VALUES.

YEAH.

THEY THINK

JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TRADITIONAL FAMILIES

AND CLEAVE TO THE RULING CLASS MODEL,

YOU SHOULD BE COMPELLED

TO GIVE UP YOUR CHOSEN FREEDOM AND AUTONOMY.

I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T FOLLOWED

DOWN THEIR STRICT, LIMITING, BULLSHIT PATH

TO LEGITIMIZE OURSELVES IN THEIR EYES.

YEAH.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY.

SHANE. SHANE.

YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THERE, GET INSIDE, AND GET CLEANED UP

BEFORE ONE OF THE CLIENTS SEES YOU.

HEY, JOHN.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

DON'T YOU "HEY, JOHN" ME.

YOU ARE A FRIGHTENING MESS

IN FRONT OF MY SHOP.

OH, SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DO NOT CARE WHAT SKANKY THINGS

YOU DID TO WHICH SKANKY PEOPLE

TO GET INTO THIS STATE,

BUT I WILL NOT TOLERATE

YOU BRINGING THAT SKANK

INTO MY SHOP.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YEAH. YEAH.

I HEAR... I HEAR YOU.

GET OUT. GET OUT.

OKAY.

HEY.

I WAS JUST GOING TO CALL YOU, I SWEAR.

BETTE TOLD ME TO LET YOU SLEEP

TILL 10:30.

SHE CALLED YOU?

YEAH, ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT,

AT, LIKE, 6:00 THIS MORNING, THANK YOU.

SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

WELL, I'M FINE NOW THAT I'VE PUKED UP

MOST OF MY INTERNAL ORGANS.

DR. WILSON THINKS I SHOULD GO ON PROGESTERONE SUPPOSITORIES,

BUT I'M GOING TO GO

TO THIS CHINESE HERBALIST

THIS AFTERNOON.

CAN I GET YOU SOME TEA?

SOMETHING BLAND TO NIBBLE ON?

OH, THANKS.

I CAN GET IT MYSELF.

NO, NO, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL

AND CRAZY TIME IN A WOMAN'S BODY.

I'M JEALOUS MY BODY WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE

WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING

RIGHT NOW.

HELLO?

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A GUEST, JENNY SCHECTER.

OH, I'M SORRY. THE ROOM'S UNDER TIM HASPEL.

H-A-S-P...

UH, SORRY. WHAT TIME DID SHE CHECK OUT?

FUCK, JENNY.

IN ADDITION TO MY HEART,

THERE ARE SOME SMALL ORGANS I WANT TO GIVE YOU...

GLANDS,

SWEETBREADS,

VARIETY MEATS.

4:00 A.M. THURSDAY MORNING.

MR. HASPEL, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FILE THIS

TILL YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN GONE

AT LEAST 48 HOURS.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

CAN'T I JUST GIVE YOU HER DESCRIPTION?

THAT, WAY, IF SHE'S STILL NOT BACK,

YOU ALREADY HAVE THE INFORMATION,

AND WE WON'T HAVE TO...

AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK FOR THAT.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I NEED TO JUST TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

THAT WAY, YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT THE SMART...

EXCUSE ME, WE'RE JUST HERE

TO RENEW OUR PARKING PASSES...

COULD YOU HANG ON?

I'M TALKING, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

LET ME TRY THIS AGAIN, OKAY?

MY GIRLFRIEND...

I MEAN, MY WIFE...

IS UPSET RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S NOT THINKING CLEARLY.

THING IS, SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME

WITH A WOMAN,

UH...

AND THEN WE GOT MARRIED...

OH, MY GOD.

QUELLE HORREUR.

I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!

SHUT UP.

GOD, IF YOU FIND HER,

YOU BETTER NOT RETURN HER TO HIM.

AS I SAID, MR. HASPEL,

THERE'S NOTHING THE POLICE CAN DO

ABOUT THIS MATTER

AT THIS TIME.

WHAT IF IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND, HUH?

WOULD YOU HELP ME THEN?

PROBABLY.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR JUST A SECOND?

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

HOLDING.

MS. ZIMMER.

WELL,

WELCOME TO LATHER,

AND YOU'RE SUCH A LONG WAY AWAY FROM YOUR STUDIO.

I CAME DIRECTLY FROM LUNCH. I'M HERE TO SEE SHANE.

SHANE?

SHANE.

GREAT.

UM, WELL...

I'LL GO AND GET HER.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST WAIT HERE FOR A SECOND?

I'LL SEE IF SHE'S READY,

AND JUST SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT.

SHANE...

SHANE.

WHAT?

FOR GOD'S SAKES,

ELLIE ZIMMER IS AT THE FRONT DESK.

WHO THE FUCK IS ELLIE ZIMMER?

ZIMMER. ZIMMER. ELLIE ZIMMER.

STUDIO CHIEFESS, TREND PRIESTESS,

AND FRIEND OF MADONNA AND J.LO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, YEAH, UM...

I KNOW HER. HARRY SENT HER.

OH, MY GOD.

ELLIE ZIMMER AT LATHER, AND IN YOUR HANDS, LORD HELP US.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, STAND UP. CLEAN UP. COME ON.

MS. ZIMMER... ELLIE...

UM, SHANE WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

IN THE MEANTIME, WHY DON'T I OFFER YOU

A CHAI TEA, A LATTE, MY NEW SCREENPLAY?

IS THAT SHANE?

UH, YEAH, IN ALL OF HER GLORY.

I LOVE HARRY.

HI.

HI.

YOU WANT ONE?

OH, FUCK.

PLEASE?

PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE?

COME ON, JENNY. JUST HAVE A SHROOM.

THIS GUY IS THE BEST.

AFTER MY CAR ACCIDENT,

HE FIXED ME UP GOOD AS NEW.

NOW I'VE BROUGHT MY BOYFRIEND HERE

FOR HIS CHRONIC BACK PROBLEMS.

WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

IS THAT AN INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION?

I GUESS IT IS.

MORNING SICKNESS.

I'M REALLY HOPING THAT IT'S GOING TO WORK.

HE IS A MIRACLE WORKER.

I TOLD...

WHAT DID HE SAY, MARCUS?

MARCUS!

OH, MY GOD.

BETTE AND I,

WE WERE GOING TO CALL YOU.

WE, WE...

DON'T TELL ME.

WE ARE.

WE'RE PREGNANT.

CONGRATULATIONS!

THAT'S AWESOME.

ISN'T IT GREAT?

OH, WOW.

FOR YOU, MY HEART...

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

UM...

BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME A RIDE.

NO, I MEAN, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

LIKE, WHY WERE YOU HITCHHIKING?

WHAT'S UP?

ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM SOMETHING?

NO, I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM SOMETHING.

DID YOU COMMIT A CRIME?

I DIDN'T COMMIT A CRIME.

WHAT WAS IT, THEN?

YOU DID SOMETHING BAD.

IT'S JUST THAT I...

I HAVE THIS, UH, BOYFR...

THIS, UH, HUSBAND

NAMED TIM,

AND I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH,

AND THEN I, UH...

I FELL...

JUST LIKE...

AND THEN I MET THIS WOMAN NAMED MARINA,

AND I HAD THIS AFFAIR,

AND THEN TIM FOUND OUT.

SO, YOU'RE LIKE, A LESBIAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

DUDE, YOU SHOULD BE REALLY CAREFUL ABOUT THAT.

YEAH, MY FRIENDS ROXANNE AND KATIE,

THEY GOT TOTALLY BUSTED BEING LESBOS

IN THE RESTAURANT WHERE THEY WORKED.

THEY WERE, LIKE,

GOING DOWN ON EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING,

AND THE MANAGER SAW AND TOTALLY...

HE RATTED THEM OUT TO THEIR PARENTS

AND THEY GOT SENT AWAY TO BOARDING SCHOOL

AND...

ONE OF THEM KILLED HERSELF.

OH, THAT'S REALLY HORRIBLE.

SO BE CAREFUL.

THOSE WEREN'T HER FRIENDS.

IT WAS

AN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL.

WHATEVER.

SHE TOTALLY DIED.

SPERM DONOR?

YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE A SPERM DONOR.

BABY, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

NOT A BIG DEAL?

LISTEN,

THE LIFE CYCLE OF A SPERM CELL

IS 72 HOURS.

THE SPERM YOU GAVE HER WAS IN YOU

WHEN YOU AND I MADE LOVE.

THOSE ARE NOT YOUR SPERM TO GIVE.

I'M SORRY. I THINK THAT YOU ARE...

I'M SORRY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AGAIN?

WELL, WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING NAME?

WHAT IF WE DECIDE TO HAVE A BABY?

THAT WOULD BE

A HALF BROTHER OR SISTER,

SO WERE YOU THINKING WE'LL ALL GET TOGETHER

FOR CHRISTMAS?

BIRTHDAYS?

OR WERE YOU PLANNING EVER TO EVEN TELL ME?

EXCUSE ME.

LEI LENG, YOU'RE WAY AHEAD OF YOURSELF.

WAY AHEAD OF MYSELF?

YOU ARE PLANTING YOUR SEED

ALL OVER CREATION,

AND I'M AHEAD OF MYSELF?

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE,

AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE...

BEHIND YOURSELF!

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE.

TAKE YOURSELF OUTSIDE!

BYE, MARCUS.

YOU.

OUTSIDE!

YES, YOU.

OUTSIDE!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?

A LETTER TO TIM.

WILL YOU READ IT TO ME?

UH-UH.

PLEASE?

JESUS CHRIST. WOULD YOU PLEASE READ TO HIM?

OKAY.

OKAY.

TIM...

FOR YOU, MY HEART...

RIPPED FROM MY CHEST.

EVISCERATED, I AM,

AND IF I COULD,

I WOULD PLUNGE MY FINGERS THROUGH MY CHEST

AND RIP UP MY HEART AND GIVE IT TO YOU,

A PULPY MASS...

OF MORBID DIATHESIS.

WHAT'S DIATHESIS?

UM...

IT'S LIKE A...

A SUSCEPTIBILITY TO DISEASE.

IT'S LIKE ALL THOSE PARTS OF ME THAT ARE...

SUSCEPTIBLE TO INVASION.

WOW.

MORBID DIATHESIS, MORBID DIATHESIS,

MORBID DIATHESIS, MORBID DIATHESIS...

BUT THAT WOULD MEAN IT WOULD BE PUTRID.

WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO

TO OFFER TIM A PILE OF SICK MEAT?

PLEASE READ SOME MORE.

OKAY.

IN ADDITION TO MY HEART,

THERE ARE SOME SMALL ORGANS I WANT TO GIVE YOU.

GLANDS, SWEETBREADS...

VARIETY MEATS.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WANTS THE CHILD

OF A MAN SHE BARELY KNOWS?

YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THE END OF THIS, LADY.

I KNOW MY WAY AROUND THE LEGAL SYSTEM,

AND I CAN TELL YOU

MARCUS AND I HAVE RIGHTS

OVER THIS CHILD,

AND I WILL SUE IF I HAVE TO.

OH, BABY?

GOD, I'M REALLY FLIPPING OUT RIGHT NOW.

SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUST HAPPENED.

I JUST...

I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU?

OKAY, YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR WAY TO M.O.N.A.

DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.

JUST CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS.

OKAY. BYE.

FUCK.

HARRY WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE A HAIR GENIUS, SHANE.

NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO TOUCH ME.

IT LOOKS GREAT.

REALLY FANTASTIC.

NICE WORK, SHANE.

YOU KNOW,

I MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT...

MAY I TOUCH YOU?

RIGHT HERE.

OH, NOW, THAT'S PERFECT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW NIGHT?

DO YOU WANT TO COME TO A SCREENING

OF THE NEW STEVEN SODERBERGH FILM?

HARRY'LL BE THERE.

YEAH, I'M FREE.

SHANE?

UM...

SOUNDS KIND OF BEAST, UH, BUT THANK YOU.

CALL ME.

OKAY.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HER?

SHE'S THE BEST.

FANTASTIC.

ANY TIME.

THANK YOU.

SURE.

BYE.

HEY, IT'S AL.

DANA AND SNOOKUMS

SAID THEY WERE BRINGING YOU CHOW

SO I'LL COME IN A LITTLE LATER

AFTER MY SITUATION.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO CALL DINNER

WHEN I HAVE NO IDEA

WHETHER IT'S A DATE OR NOT.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU.

HI. IT'S ME, DANA.

LARA AND I WILL BE OVER AT 7:00.

WE'LL GET SOME TAKEOUT

FROM THAT THAI PLACE THAT YOU LOVE.

HEY, T. IT'S SHANE.

BETTE CALLED

AND SAID WE SHOULD STILL DO POKER

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S OUT OF TOWN.

YOU CAN'T

WALK AWAY FROM ME LIKE THAT.

IT'S EASY FOR ME TO FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

THAT IS NOT YOUR BABY!

BABY?

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT I'M JUST REALLY DESPERATE.

SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING AND I JUST...

I REALLY NEED TO TALK YOU, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, SO CALL ME BACK.

PLEASE?

I MEAN, HONESTLY,

I WOULD HAVE LEFT TOO, MAN.

I MEAN, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE

GONE UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE,

BUT WHAT I'M SAYING IS, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

I MEAN, YOU HAD TO GET OF THERE,

CLEAR YOUR HEAD.

I'M WORRIED.

THERE ARE A LOT OF SICKOS OUT THERE, SERIAL KILLERS.

CAROLYN...

SHE LEFT THE MOTEL WHEN?

THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY?

AND NOBODY'S HEARD FROM HER?

SHE HASN'T CHECKED IN WITH ANYBODY?

FUCK.

HAS ANYBODY CALLED HER MOTHER?

SOMEBODY SHOULD CHECK WITH MOTHER.

SANDY.

SHIT, I SHOULD HAVE CALLED SANDY.

MARCUS IS MY BOYFRIEND,

AND I AM NOT...

OH, GOD.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. SHE JUST CALLED AGAIN.

THIS WOMAN IS TOTALLY CRAZY.

WHO IS SHE?

DO YOU REALLY THINK

SHE WAS GOING TO COME OVER HERE?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT SHE SEEMS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO AROUND THE HOUSE

AND MAKE SURE ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS ARE LOCKED.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU'RE SO SMART.

NO, YOU'RE THE SMART ONE.

ONLY IN COOKING.

NO, AND PHOTOGRAPHY.

BUT YOU HAVE

MIND AND BODY INTELLIGENCE.

NO, YOU DO.

NO, YOU DO.

SHUT UP. I SAID IT FIRST.

I SAID IT SECOND.

SORRY.

HI.

IT'S TIM.

YEAH, TIMOTHY.

GOOD.

UH, ACTUALLY, NOT SO GOOD.

SANDY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE JENNIFER IS.

SHE'S MISSING,

AND I'M KIND OF WORRIED,

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

YEAH, I JUST... I DIDN'T WANT TO ALARM YOU.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW, AND WE NEED TO...

WHAT? WHEN?

NO, NO.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S INSANE AT ALL.

NO, I THINK SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING, SANDY.

YEAH.

I'M GLAD SHE'S ALL RIGHT, TOO.

LOOK, I NEED TO GO, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, THANKS.

DAMMIT!

CALM DOWN.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE CALLED HER MOTHER

OVER AN HOUR AGO.

SHE'S OKAY. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

SO WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?

IF I HAD TO GUESS,

I'D SAY SHE'D PROBABLY...

UM, THANKS A LOT FOR COMING OVER,

YOU GUYS, REALLY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

HI.

HEY.

HEY, GUYS.

LIQUOR IN THE FRONT, POKER IN THE REAR.

DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT JOKE

EVERY TIME WE PLAY?

YES, I DO.

SO...

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THE PSYCHO LADY?

IS SHE STILL CALLING, OR WHAT?

WE UNPLUGGED THE PHONE.

ALL RIGHT, DOLLAR ANTE.

YOU IN, LEESE?

YEAH.

ONE FOR THE LADY.

I WAS EXTREMELY IMPRESSED HOW YOU WENT UP IN THE FACE

OF THE BIG BOYS.

I... WOW.

I'M HONORED TO MEET YOU.

WOW. THANK YOU.

THE SISTER THAT SNATCHED THE SHOW

FROM UNDER MOCA'S NOSE.

HEY, KIT.

LIQUOR IN THE FRONT, POKER IN THE REAR, HUH?

NEITHER, THANKS.

HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BABY SISTER,

TO GO OFF AND LEAVE HER PREGNANT WIFE

ALL ALONE

FOR SOME CRAZY-ASS BITCH TO GO OFF ON?

BRING HER ON.

I WISH SHE WOULD BRING HER FACE UP IN HERE.

THAT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME.

LOOK AT ALL THESE WOMEN...

AND DUDE.

WE... WILL... KICK... ASS.

I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

I'M SURE THE MAN HAS ENOUGH SPERM FOR EVERYBODY.

YEAH.

JENNY!

JENNY!

WHERE IS SHE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN?

WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S NOT HERE.

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.

DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU VULTURE.

WHERE IS SHE?

THE LAST TIME I SAW JENNY,

SHE TOLD ME SHE NEVER WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN,

REMEMBER?

YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE, DO YOU?

YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU WERE SITTING AT MY HOUSE,

EATING DINNER, DID YOU THINK FOR A SECOND

THAT MAYBE

YOUR ACTIONS WEREN'T ALTOGETHER...

LOOK AT ME!

THAT IT MIGHT NOT BE ALTOGETHER HONORABLE?

HONORABLE?

YEAH.

WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

OR IS IT JUST NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU?

SEE, THAT RIGHT THERE, THAT FUCKING KILLS ME.

YOU JUST STANDING THERE, SAYING NOTHING.

YOU LIE TO ME,

YOU GET MY GIRLFRIEND TO LIE TO ME TOO,

AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

JENNY'S RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OWN ACTIONS,

AS WE ALL ARE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S ME YOU'RE ANGRY WITH.

DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL.

DO NOT.

YOU PREYED ON HER, PRETENDED TO BE HER FRIEND,

PLAYING YOUR PHONY INTELLECTUAL GAMES

JUST TO GET INTO HER PANTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ARE FUCKING PATHETIC, MARINA.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

THAT'S FUNNY? YOU FIND THAT FUCKING FUNNY?

LOOK AT ME.

YEAH.

WHAT IS IT YOU DO, YOU GIRLS?

SHOULD I EVEN CARE? HUH?

DOES IT EVEN COUNT?

WELL, YOU WERE THERE.

YOU SAW HOW MUCH IT COUNTS.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW.

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME.

JENNY'S NOT HERE.

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW, TIM. YOU TELL ME.

LOOK AT ME.

DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING JOKING?

NO.

THAT'S IT.

REALLY?

OKAY, SO, WHAT'S THE SCOOP?

IS THE LESBO MAN DATING THE FAKE BISEXUAL?

I AM A BISEXUAL.

OKAY, I'M CONFUSED.

OH, WELL, LISA OVER HERE IS A LESBIAN-IDENTIFIED MAN.

IS THAT LIKE A TRANSSEXUAL?

NO.

I WONDER HOW HE PEES.

SITTING DOWN?

I DON'T KNOW, YOU THINK?

SHANE?

WELL, I NEVER PEED WITH HIM.

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW,

ARE YOU INTO HIM AS A LESBIAN

OR A MAN?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL YOURSELF A TRISEXUAL.

DAMN.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE

AND YOUR NEED TO TAKE APART EVERYTHING

AND PROCESS EACH LITTLE DETAIL?

IF THE DUDE WANTS TO GIVE UP

HIS WHITE MAN RIGHTS TO BE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN,

THEN HEY, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD.

OKAY, SHE'S GOT A POINT. I'M SORRY. IT'S TRUE.

CHEERS.

WELCOME TO THE FOLD.

WELCOME.

WELCOME TO THE HEAVENLY GATES.

FIRST MESSAGE.

BABY?

GOD, I'M REALLY FLIPPING OUT RIGHT NOW.

SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUST HAPPENED.

I JUST...

I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

HI. IT'S BETTE & TINA'S.

LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP.

THE MAILBOX YOU ARE TRYING TO ACCESS

IS FULL.

PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER.

YEAH, HI, ROGER. YEAH, IT'S ME, BETTE.

DID KIT SAY WHAT THE EMERGENCY WAS?

HOW LONG AGO DID TINA CALL?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. THANKS.

I NEED TO GO TO THE SOHO GRAND.

I CAN'T SLEEP.

ME NEITHER.

EVERYONE ELSE CAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO, DON'T.

STOP. WE CAN'T.

WHO SAYS?

I'M FINDING THIS SEXY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WE HAVE TO BE REALLY QUIET.

SHIT.

GOD, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

YOU MISSED YOUR LEFT TURN.

MAKE A U-TURN AT THE LIGHT AND...

DON'T LISTEN TO THAT BITCH.

JUST GO STRAIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, MALCOLM?

I WISH I WAS TIM.

HE'S SUCH A LUCKY GUY,

GETTING ALL THOSE GIFTS FROM YOU.

IF ONLY YOU KNEW, MALCOLM.

HELLO, THIS IS BETTE PORTER.

OH, PEGGY.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN...

I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU.

WELL, SOMETHING HAS COME UP

AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE

TO MAKE IT TO YOUR DINNER TONIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M ON MY WAY TO LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW YOU DID.

I'M REALLY...

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

MY...

MY, UH, PARTNER AND I ARE HAVING A BABY

AND SHE'S 11 WEEKS PREGNANT

AND I'M JUST WORRIED

THAT SOMETHING MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO HER.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

HI. IT'S BETTE & TINA'S.

LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP.

THE MAILBOX YOU ARE TRYING TO ACCESS

IS FULL.

PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER.

IT COULD BE HER.

TINA? IT'S MARCUS.

TINA, I'M SO SORRY.

I HAD NO IDEA LEI LENG WOULD BE SO UPSET.

I SHOULD HAVE JUST WAITED AND CALLED YOU.

WELL, SHE'S CALMED DOWN NOW,

BUT I TOLD HER NOT TO PHONE YOU AGAIN,

PROMISE,

AND I TRIED TO CALL YOU,

BUT YOUR VOICE MAILBOX IS FULL.

OH, SHIT. YEAH.

OKAY.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

TAKE CARE. BYE-BYE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU DROPPED BY.

THANKS.

OH, SHIT. THE PHONE'S STILL UNPLUGGED.

THIS IS LEI LENG...

LISTEN, LADY...

IF YOU THINK...

THIS IS LEI LENG...

I WON'T BE IGNORED...

WHAT A PSYCHO.

BETTE DIDN'T CALL...

HI. THIS IS BETTE.

YOU CAN LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME HERE,

OR TRY ME AT THE CAC.

AND HER CELL PHONE'S NOT ANSWERING.

CALL HER HOTEL.

OH.

BETTE PORTER, PLEASE.

WHAT?

ARE YOU SURE?

UM...

OKAY.

SHE CHECKED OUT.

THAT'S SO WEIRD.

WHERE'S SHE GOING TO GO?

I MEAN, SHE HAD TO SLEEP SOMEWHERE.

NO, NO, NO. I'M SURE IT'S FINE.

YOU KNOW,

SHE'S GOT A MILLION THINGS, AND...

YOU KNOW,

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SHEETS

AT THE HOTEL OR SOMETHING,

RIGHT?

YEAH. THAT'S PROBABLY IT.

IT'S NOTHING.

YAY! MAMA'S HOME!

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

IS THE BABY OKAY?

YEAH, THE BABY'S FINE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WHAT HAPPENED? I WAS SO WORRIED.

YOU LEFT ALL THESE MESSAGES,

AND THEN I COULDN'T REACH YOU.

SO YOU GOT ON A PLANE AND YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY HOME?

I WAS WORRIED.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE WAS THIS CRAZY WOMAN,

AND...

MARCUS ALLENWOOD'S GIRLFRIEND.

SHE WAS AT THE CHINESE HERBALIST,

AND SHE COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT ON ME,

AND...

I COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

I CAME HOME ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK.

I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

BETTE, SO, HOW WAS NEW YORK?

IT WAS, UM...

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

I MEAN, IT SEEMED

LIKE ALL OF NEW YORK KNEW THE STORY

ABOUT HOW I GRABBED PROVOCATIONS

OUT FROM UNDER MOCA'S NOSE.

I WAS KIND OF A STAR.

YOU KNOW, PEGGY PEABODY

WAS THROWING A DINNER PARTY FOR ME TONIGHT,

IN MY HONOR,

AND I WAS CULTIVATING THIS MAJOR, MAJOR DONOR

THAT I WAS HOPING TO GET

ON MY BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

OH, AND NOW

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THERE.

IT MUST BE THE HORMONES.

I'M JUST...

I'M JUST RELIEVED EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

THAT'S REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS.

I'M SORRY.

I'M OFFERING THESE GIFTS...

RARE GIFTS.

I KNOW THAT THEY DON'T AMOUNT TO MUCH

IN THE FACE OF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME.

I'VE HEARD

THESE ORGANS CAN'T SURVIVE OUTSIDE OF THE BODY

FOR MORE THAN A FEW HOURS,

BUT I'LL TRY TO GET THERE AS SOON AS I CAN.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, IT WILL BE ON ME,

ON MY HEART.