Original subtitles

Okay.

Somebody broke into my piggy bank again.

The long strand of red hair...

...and these bonbon wrappers...

...clearly indicate that you, Mother, saw who did it.

Now, who was it?

Oh, gee, honey, I really don't know.

Hey, look at this lovely Don Knotts hologram...

...I got from QVC.

Don't try to distract me, Mom.

It's shiny.

Mr. Furley.

Barney Fife.

Furley...

...Fife. Did you see that?

Peg?

I hope one of these bills is for a coffin...

...because your shopping is killing me.

Something shiny.

- I got you one, Al. - I'm not interested in that...

...Pe-

Ginger.

Mary Ann.

Ginger.

Oh, cut this out.

Not only is this QVC thing useless...

...but you've bought a membership to the Buff and Tuff Health Club.

Well, how else am I supposed to stay young and attractive for you?

Buy a time machine.

Peg, I'm cutting off your shopping cold turkey.

Right now.

Traitor.

Oh, Al, don't make me stop shopping.

You'll destroy my life.

Good, then we'll be even.

Yeah, I like this one even better than...

...that clog cabin we built last week.

It is stunning.

We ought to go into business.

Oh, what business would that be, Griff?

The shoe box lid house-building business?

- Not much demand for that. - Well, I beg to differ.

I think you're overlooking the homeless dwarf problem.

Now, somebody has got to clean that up.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Well, Jefferson, I see you're having your typically hard day at the office.

You know, looking this good is a full-time job.

You think these pores just exfoliate themselves?

You better watch out, Jefferson.

Now you're heading for the big 4-0...

...Marcie might trade you in for a new model.

Yeah, when you hit 40, everything starts going to hell.

Your alignment gets all out of whack...

...then your tyre start to get a little bald and then...

...comes that horrible day when you realise...

...no matter how hard you turn that knob...

...that antenna is only coming half way up.

Then you start getting that uncontrollable backfiring.

Well, don't tell me you don't have that problem!

Well, that may hold true for you old clunkers...

...but I look the same today as I did 20 years ago.

I've been looking for you forever.

And I hope I was worth the wait.

Sorry, sir, I thought you were my dad.

Hey, hey.

Happy birthday, Mr. D'Arcy, happy birthday.

Oh, sure, rub it in, you brats.

Gee, old man D'Arcy is getting pretty cranky, huh?

Dad, guess what?

Gary hired us to shoot a commercial for the store.

Well, why would she hire you two?

Well, because she wanted somebody fast and cheap.

Which explains our actress.

I, on the other hand, will be directing.

It will be 30 seconds of pure magic.

Oh, now, Bud, don't waste your best pick-up lines on dad.

We've got the setting. We've got the customer.

Now, all we need is a shoe salesman.

Well, how much does it pay?

Four hundred dollars a day.

Earth days?

Hey, I'm your man for the job. Nobody sells shoes better than me.

Bud, did I ever mention to you that I played Dorothy...

...in my high school production of The Wiz?

- All-male school? - No.

You want to see great acting?

How about those seizures I used to throw at IHOP?

All right, Dad, so you scammed us...

...a few Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity breakfasts.

It doesn't exactly make you Oscar material.

Hey, you didn't seem to mind my performance...

...when you were shoving pancakes in your pockets.

I'm really good.

Hoover High School Gazette says my Dorothy was...

..."captivating, charming and strangely intimidating. "

Oh, Griff, how pathetic are you?

A man your age hanging on to faded high school glory.

What?

Frankly, I don't buy either one of you as a shoe salesman...

- ... but if you want to try out for the part- - Listen, Mr. Director.

I think that you and I should see eye to eye on this thing.

I think we found our star.

So...

What do you want for your birthday, my little boy toy?

Is that all I am to you, a boy toy?

Jefferson, it's just an expression.

Like, freeloader...

...or trophy husband.

Honey...

Do you notice any little lines around my eyes?

You have to come in close to see.

You mean, those crow's feet?

They are not crow's feet.

They are laugh lines.

Honey, nothing is that funny.

Oh, don't pout.

I know something...

...that will make you feel a lot better.

I don't feel like playing Hop on Pop.

No, I'm talking about the perfect birthday gift:

A health club membership, huh?

Night-night.

Do you really think I need it?

I'm sure my thighs jiggle a little when I settle into the tanning bed...

...but whose don't?

I'm just worrying over nothing, right?

I mean-

I still turn you on, don't I, Marcie?

Last chance to buy this lovely Tom Jones lock et...

...containing his actual chest hair.

Well, if that's not unusual.

Twenty-five seconds.

Twenty-two seconds.

Damn you, Al.

Hey, Peggy.

I brought over Marcie's tool belt like you asked.

Oh, you're a life saviour. Needle nose.

Hey...

Peggy.

Do you ever have a fear that Al is gonna leave you?

Well, I wouldn't call it a fear so much as a fantasy.

Screwdriver. Why do you ask?

Well, I know that-

You know, I haven't confided in you much.

And I appreciate that.

But lately I'm just feeling so old and unattractive...

...and unloved and I just wondered-

How do you handle it?

Well, usually I just thank God...

...I'm not that aging gigolo that lives next door.

See, if Marcie thinks I'm losing my looks...

...it's just a matter of time before she dumps me...

...for some younger guy.

- Stripper. - Maybe.

With her money she could have anyone.

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you just spend all her money...

...and then she can't afford to trade you in?

- Think that would work? - Absolutely.

- Do you have a credit card? - Yeah, I have one right-

Oh, platinum.

The good stuff.

What's Marcie's limit?

On a good night, six or seven.

The card.

It doesn't have a limit.

Let's do some home shopping.

Wait a minute. Isn't that addictive?

Oh, no. You can stop any time you want.

What's that for?

So we don't drop the phone.

Hi, baby, mama's back.

"Gary's Shoes," take 28.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir.

Do you have any purple pumps?

Certainly, we have purple pimps.

At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.

Cut.

Okay, Dad, that was-

It was good but you're still a little stiff.

Any stiffer, you could wax him and use him as a toboggan.

Could you keep the gofer quiet?

All right. Look, let's just try it again, all right?

Take 29.

If anybody's still counting.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir-

Certainly, we pump your purple...

...at Gary's Shoes, where we treat your feet.

- Cut. - What?

Those are the right words.

But they were in the wrong order.

Well, can you edit them together? What kind of a director are you?

You know, I give up. Okay? You talk to him.

Okay.

So-

Nice weather we're having, Daddy?

I mean, about the part.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

That was perfect, Daddy.

But I think that you need to emphasise certain words. Like this.

Here at Gary's Shoes, we treat your feet.

- See what I'm saying? - Like this.

Okay.

Here at Gary's Shoes, we treat your feet.

That's- It's much, much better, Daddy. Really.

Can his ass.

Bud, I'm starting to get the hang of it.

I'm rolling with it. I'm grooving with it.

- Dad, you're fired. - I know. Fired up, ready to go.

No, Dad, it's over.

Over, my stage fright is over. I'm ready to go. Action. Roll them.

Listen to me.

You're fired. You're out. You're finished. You must flee TV.

Wow, that came out of nowhere.

Why the sudden change of heart?

No, no, it's not sudden. Your acting sucks.

It sucked when we started. It sucks now. It will always suck.

Well, that's just one person's opinion, isn't it?

- It sucks. - It sucks.

It sucks.

Attention, shoppers, Al Bundy sucks.

Oh, look. A genuine faux leopard muff.

Let's not wait for the price. Just dial.

Okay. Okay, but-

Tell me again how this stuff is going to keep Marcie from leaving me.

- Is that a liver spot? - Okay...

What?

Don't you play dumb with me, Peggy Bundy.

You've always been a shopping junky.

But now you've turned into a pusher and corrupted my innocent Jefferson.

Innocent?

Yeah, I may have provided the TV and the phone...

...but he did his own dialling.

Jefferson, is that true?

- Yes. - Well, that's it, mister.

Your freeloading days are over.

And you're going to pay back every cent.

How am I supposed to do that?

Three little words.

I love you?

Try again.

Hop on Pop?

Get a job.

You know, this exercise stuff is really challenging. Yeah.

I think I'm starting to "feel the burn. "

That's heartburn.

You think you could stop chewing for one second...

...and help me out of this mess you got me into?

Oh, yeah, like it's my fault you're not aging well.

Don't get your varicose veins in a knot.

There must be some job that you're qualified for.

I'm just not good at anything.

All right. And launch and twirl. And launch and-

All right. Fine. Stay fat.

At Gary's Shoes, we treat your-

Cut.

Dad...

...we're trying to work here.

So am I.

Al, you haven't vacuumed in 25 years.

Then it's high time, isn't it?

Anyway, that was great, Griff.

Great. Great. You couldn't even tell he was acting.

Let's just do it one more time. Okay?

Fine. Fine.

Take 32, which is three more than it took me by the way.

That's because you've ruined every one of mine.

It's because we had a couple of accidents.

Oh, dropping a light on Griff's head?

Freak occurrence.

The fire in the stock room?

Act of God.

Rollerblading through here with your pants down, playing a tuba?

Hey, what I do on my break is my business.

Admit it, Dad. You're trying to sabotage the commercial.

Get out of here.

- Don't come back until we're finished. - Fine.

You Hollywood types are so touchy.

- Ready? - Yes.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir, do you have any-?

Peggy?

What in the world are you doing here?

Working out.

Excuse me, you can't just walk into a Jefferson D'Arcy class.

Are you on the list?

Well, no...

...but I'm his wife.

Nice try, honey. We get four wives a day...

...and a couple of husbands.

Well, maybe if you gave up your spot they'd all fit.

You just better be glad I am weak from dieting...

There he is.

Jeffersize. Jeffersize.

Hello, all you lovely ladies.

Are you ready to get hot and bothered?

Okay, here we go and on our right-

Jefferson. Hi, honey.

Oh, hey, Marcie. Gee, what a surprise. Okay. Here we go and-

Bend and stretch. Reach for me, ladies. That's it.

Okay, here we go, grapevine and...

That's it. Beautiful.

That's it.

She won't let me through.

Hey, Marcie, I have a secret weapon.

My Snickers slipped.

Here we go.

One, two-

Hey, Marcie, thank you so much for making me get this job.

I'll be able to pay you back in no time.

Well, honey, you don't have to pay me back.

Consider it a birthday present.

It's Jeffie's birthday.

Spanking machine.

Oh, no. Oh, no- Okay.

Yes, yes, yes.

Jefferson, I hate to see you like this, slaving away at a job you hate.

Jeffie, can you massage my cramp again?

I'll give you a cramp.

Jefferson.

I want you to quit your job.

But why, Marcie? If I keep working here...

...I'm going to have the body that you've always wanted me to.

- That I've always wanted? - Yeah.

Jefferson, I love the way you look.

The reason I sent you to a health club is...

...that I thought you were feeling insecure about yourself.

Well, I was. I'm-

I'm getting older. I just-

I thought you were gonna...

...trade me in for someone new.

Oh, booberry.

I don't want anybody new.

It took me years to break you in.

You mean, you'll still love me even when I'm old and grey?

Of course, just like you'll still love me even if I lose all my money?

Right.

You know, this is great.

I always wanted my own personal trainer.

Well, well, well.

Looks like my commercial has made me a few fans.

Yeah, I knew TV added 10 pounds. I didn't realise it all went to your head.

You're even cuter in person than you are on TV.

You're a shoe hunk.

Al, help me.

Yeah, they are all yours, shoe hunk.

Think I'll just ease on down the road.

Ladies, please, please. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey, hey, that is not for sale.

Don't go away we'll be right back.

Oh, I don't believe this.

- We'll take it. - We'll take it.

I told you so.

Hey, weren't you Dorothy in The Wiz?

Yes, I was.

I was the mayor of Munchkin Land.

Your honour.