Original subtitles

- Stay in the car. - No, I am coming with you.

Let us say this is a movie.

If someone says, "Stay in the car", and the guy does not, what happens?

- He saves the day. - Or gets killed.

Good point. I will stay.

Wait a minute! What if that gets me killed?

There is a gun in the glove compartment.

- Practice! - Makes perfect.

The Fart is a bomb to take out the Torelli mob.

That explains the mortuary break in. Let us use the service entrance.

- Who do you work for, John? - What do you mean?

We both know there is no side entrance to this hotel.

I am sorry, Jack. I did not want it to go down this way.

Danny said not to trust you. He said you killed Moe Zart.

- Moe who? - Zart.

I kill many people. I cannot remember them all.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

In a bodybag if you do not drop that.

That is doubtful, kid.

Real doubtful.

Thank you for the fingerprints. You are about to murder Jack Slater.

Chain yourself to that pipe.

These drug guys have more money than the government.

So you cut a deal with a scumbag like Vivaldi.

Vivaldi made up with Torelli, but it was a phoney. He will destroy him.

In exchange for leaving him alone, he gives me a profit percentage.

I will be rich, Jack. You will be dead, but...

Freeze!

Toss me the cuffs.

You idiot. You made the classic movie mistake. Do not explain so much.

You had to get in a last few words. Had you fired, you would have won.

But you are the typical villain. Dumb.

You are no genius yourself, kid.

- The Fart goes off in 7 minutes. - Get my car.

Move it.

I would love to stay and watch, but I have to establish my alibi.

{y:i}Arrivederci.

Did you want to save the day?

- You are not doing anything. - I would steal your thunder.

No, you stay here and make sure everything goes as planned.

You have had Slater in front of the 8-ball before, but you screwed it up.

That is "behind" the 8-ball. You moron.

Somebody once told me I talk too much. No more words.

- Whiskers! Where have you been? - Sorry, Jack. Fur ball problem.

Seal off the area. There will be a chemical explosion in 5 minutes.

- Thanks, Whiskers. I owe you one. - Forget it. You have often saved me.

Do you see the hook of that crane? Get it up on the roof in 2 minutes.

How do I do that?

Help me move that crane! I have to get it to the roof!

Wait! You have to work this thing!

I cannot even drive.

Pardon me.

He was a good man. A flatulent man.

Do you hear this? Help me! Get me out of here!

My God! This man is not dead!

Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor!

- This man needs a doctor! - I am a doctor.

Are you a doctor? Check his chin.

The doctor has fainted. Can somebody help this man?

I will take the corpse... The patient... Look, an elephant!

Do not shoot! He will drop Leo!

Do not shoot!

Oh, shit!

That is a no-fly zone, fellow.

Danny! He is ticking! Move the crane as fast as you can!

Danny, stop the crane now!

Drop! Go, go, go!

Drop, you gas bag!

Everybody out of here!

Silent but deadly.

- Bring the car around. - The helicopter landed on it.

I hate when that happens.

Tar actually sticks to some people.

Hey, Dad! I thought you could use some clothes.

Thank you, honey.

- Is this not a little convenient? - You always said this was a movie.

{y:i}So how did it go?

{y:i}How did it go?

{y:i}I am dying out here. {y:i}I want to know how it went.

{y:i}How did it went?

Splendid.

{y:i}What?

It went splendidly.

I cannot hear you. I do not want to miss a thing.

Benedict, get your stuff. Was it beautiful?

Perfect in every detail.

Were the gas tanks okay?

Like clockwork. You should have been there.

Men, women and children dropping left and right.

Wait, I want to enjoy it all. Come on, tell me.

They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape.

- Really? - No, I am lying.

It was a complete balls-up, and my day has been terrible thanks to you.

What is this? You were my friend and now you turn a 360 on me.

180, you stupid spaghetti-slurping cretin.

If I did a 360, I would end up back where I started!

Trust me.

If that turd Daniel Madigan can move through parallel worlds, so can I.

In, steal whatever I want, and out again. Impossible to catch.

If God was a villain -

- he would be me.

- You want me to vacuum now? - No. But the pool needs attention.

Very good.

Do not move.

- All right, I will go quietly. - The hell you will.

That was for blowing up my cousin Frank's house.

And this is for blowing up my ex-wife's house.

But this is for my daughter's black eye!

Usually when I do that, it leaves a hole.

The ticket. Jack, he has got the ticket!

It is the key to everything. It is magic. See?

He has gone over to my world. The door must still be open. Come on!

I am not worried that you are crazy anymore.

I am worried that you are right. But if I go, how do I get back?

You cannot go through life nit-picking everything. Come on!

To hell with it.

There was nothing to it.

- We are still here. - Are you sure? Look.

Quickly!

- I want to see about Nick. - No time.

What the hell?

- We are in New York. - It all makes sense.

Actually, it makes no sense, but I will explain. Later.

Just be careful. Things are different here.

Get out!

Do not get feisty. The car was a piece of junk anyway.

Drive, bonehead!

Here is another explosion for your movie.

Not one word.

- My hand hurts. - Things are different here.

Smash a window with your hand and it gets hurt.

Great. Could you not have told me earlier?

- The taxis must be bulletproof. - We have to get the ticket.

No way, Slater. Listen to me. It will not work.

You cannot play chicken in real life. You will crash.

Out of the car, amigo.

This is not the movies. You have to reload guns...

- Go, Danny! Get out! - Car crashes can kill you!

You are going to die! Jack!!

What did I do?

No, please...

Damn, that hurt.

You are lucky to be alive, you dumb idiot!

'89 Mercury Sable, standard air bag. Checker cab, no air bag. Who is dumb?

- Just make sure they are dead. - Give me a break. They are dead.

They always look dead. In "Die Hard" a guy is hung -

- and at the end of the movie, he comes back.

All right. Make sure to cover me. He may have a windshield wiper.

Maybe he used the ticket.

Maybe it is on all the time now.

What is this place?

Where am I now?

Danny, do you have a place I can sit down?

Yes. Come on.

Nick!

Danny, I was so worried. Are you okay?

Did you see what happened?

No, I slept in here until I woke up at 2 a.m. I figured you had gone home.

No, I was in the movie!

I am getting up in the years. Define "in".

Whitney kissed me! I drove a crane and dropped Leo the Fart in a tar pit!

I was with Jack Slater every step of the way!

Oh, my God...

The ticket works?

All this time I never used it, because I was too frightened.

But it is not too late. I can still go visit.

Garbo in "Camille". Jean Harlow. Boy, I had a crush.

Monroe in "Bus Stop".

Forgive me for going on, sir. I admire your work greatly, too.

- Nick, it is not who you think. - You mean, it is...?

This is a wonderful moment, Mr. Slater.

I have never met a fictional character before.

How new and exciting this must all be for you.

I have just found out I am imaginary.

How would you like to have been made up?

Your job, your marriage, your kids. Let us push his son off the building.

You will have eternal nightmares, but you are fictional, so who cares?

I do not find it new and exciting that my whole life is a damn movie.

You are young and impressionable. There are worse things than movies.

Politicians, wars, forest fires. Famine, plague.

- Sickness, pain, warts, politicians. - You have already mentioned them.

I know. They are twice as bad as anything else.

Most of my life has been movies, too. But that is all over for me now.

The theatre is shut. Soon it is the wrecking ball.

But now I have a new chance. Can I have the ticket back?

We have one little... hiccup.

- What do you mean? - Benedict has the ticket.

The madman with the glass eye?

- How are you getting back? - Good question.

But I would not want to nit-pick, right, Danny?

Just follow my lead.

Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?

The police call, you are nowhere to be found...

- Mom, I am sorry, okay? - "Okay"?

There are kids with guns everywhere and that is all you have to say?

- Get in here! - Mom, wait.

You always say you wish I had more friends. Well...

Hello, Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunschweiger.

Sweetheart, do you want to have a party?

- How old are you? - Forget it.

Take his shoes, man!

Take his shoes?

No screams.

No sirens.

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

I am sorry to bother you. Would you help me test a theory?

- Sure. What can I do for you? - Well...

Hello? I have just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.

I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess.

{y:i}Shut up down there!

You look uncannily like him, only you are much more intelligent.

Good morning, good afternoon. What kind of eggs do you want?

Scrambled. Have you guys been up all night?

Why did you not tell me Jack was a cop -

- and that you spent the night looking at mug shots?

Why did you not tell me you had no friends?

And why do you go to the movies at night and make your mother worried?

- You have turned him into a wimp. - I think not. Toast?

No thanks. Jack, are you okay?

We talked. I have never just talked to a woman before. It is neat.

Neat?

Wimp. Next they will be talking about sex.

Me and Jack are going out. I am helping him on a case.

Oh, no. Your licence to kill has expired. Come and eat some eggs.

I have to help. I am the only witness. Like in that Harrison Ford movie.

There is no comparison.

- We are not Jewish. - Amish.

Irene, do not worry.

There are 8 million in the city and I am good at catching people.

And the future of the world may be at stake...

Can you turn this up?

- What is that? - Mozart.

- The guy Practice killed? - That is right, Jack.

Do you like classical music?

I do not know. I think I will.

- Did you say who you really were? - Yes. A cop from L.A.

- I mean really. - Real enough. For now.

- Are you going to catch him? - I always catch everybody.

By spotting him from up here?

Give me a break. It is the first time I have been anyplace real.

This ticket, it worked in one movie. Could Benedict use it again?

On other movies? Why would he do that?

I do not know. But it is a start.

The possibilities are limitless. But I have realised -

- that freedom would elude me until Jack Slater was, -

- forgive the pun, taken out of the picture.

And I thought you might be inclined to help.

This must all be strange to you. But if you do this right, -

- the world is your oyster. Trust me.

You will be free to do whatever you want beyond your wildest dreams.

And you will never have to go back to this film again.

You have never heard of this man, -

- but his actual name is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There are a thousand theatres and we have looked for 5 hours.

- We are close to catching him. - No, to catching pneumonia.

In my world they just leave clues. Or they show up and kidnap me.

That stuff does not happen here, because this world stinks!

The world is what you make of it. You can give up and go home.

- You believed in me in the movies. - But here you are just...

Just what?

Jack, there he is!

Are you nuts?!

- You crazy asshole! - He is just a cabbie!

In the movies they say "Make my day" or "I am your worst nightmare".

"Rubber-baby-buggy-bumpers". You did not know I would say that!

- Where did he go? - He was reading a paper.

- He has been going to the movies. - That is not the half of it.

{y:i}We are live from New York.

{y:i}We are moments away from {y:i}the premiere of "Jack Slater IV".

{y:i}And here is the man {y:i}they have come to see.

{y:i}It is Arnold Schwarzenegger {y:i}and his wife, Maria Shriver.

- Good to see you. - Are you a big fan of Slater?

I have enjoyed it. It was just beautiful.

The National Enquirer. Do not talk to them.

Do not plug the restaurants. I hate that. It is so tacky.

- Why go to the movies? - To get help.

Benedict can do anything. But we know who he is.

- So he must take us out. - He cannot get to you.

He does not have to. All he has to do is get to him.

- Benedict will kill Schwarzenegger. - Who is Slater.

Bingo!

In this movie we only kill 48 people. In the last one we killed 119.

But we make up for it with a good story, emotions, depth, dimensions.

{y:i}There are thousands here tonight {y:i}and millions around the world.

- I directed and produced it. - This guy is a success story.

- Only in America. - Only in Hollywood.

And at Planet Hollywood we have some incredible memorabilia.

It is absolutely fabulous...

You embarrassed me. How could you do that?

Chris, it is the Ripper from "Jack Slater III". Scary.

- Let us "axe" him a question. - Look at this method villain.

Rip, what brings you here?

- I thought I might kill someone. - You should start with your designer.

{y:i}Nobody wants to miss out. {y:i}The notables just keep coming.

Excuse me, sir. Could I see your invitation?

Pete, it is okay. I am his agent. Jesus Christ, Tom. Come here.

It is Tom Noonan, the actor who played the Ripper.

Are you nuts? Do you want to play axe killers for ever?

I need the manager's office for 10 minutes. Here is 50 bucks.

What do you think Slater says about America?

I do not want to hear it. I am not a big fan of Arnold.

She is. Arnold turns her on. I just want to be there when it happens.

Good, you have the props, too. Whip out a Hibachi -

- and we can make some shish-kebab. I will rent you a tuxedo.

Tell him it is me.

Did Nicholson go to the premiere of "Batman" dressed as the Joker? No.

Murray, get me your brother-in-law. Yes, it is important.

- What do you think about this? - I would never miss the premiere.

Where am I sitting? Where? Where am "I" sitting?

There are two balconies. I believe you are in the lower one.

You stay here. And be careful.

Someone should be checking the other balcony. Definitely.

Arnold! The deal is done, right? "Slater V". The soundtrack.

I will be...

{y:i}Jack, it is the Ripper! {y:i}He has brought back the Ripper!

{y:i}Benedict has brought back {y:i}the Ripper!

Everybody down!

Get off me!

Get the hell off me.

I should be informed when there is to be a stunt.

You are the best look-alike I have seen.

If you get to L.A., call my office. We can get you jobs...

I do not like you. You have only brought me pain.

{y:i}Jack, help!

Did anyone come out of here?

Did you see a crazy guy with an axe?

Hey, Jack. What kept you?

- Are you all right, Danny? - Yes, sir.

I tried to change, Jack.

I really tried to do what he told me to, but -

- I kept hearing that old music. I knew you would come here, Jack.

Lose the piece.

There. It is between you and me. So let the boy go.

We have played this number before. What comes next?

You throw the gun away... We have done that part.

And then you tell me to let the kid go.

I am getting bored. Let us skip to the end.

Come on, Jack! Over here, right here!

I will be back!

The hell you will.

{y:i}Jack!

Danny?

Danny, I will be right there! I am coming! Hang on!

Just hang on now.

- Jack, help! - I will be right there!

- I am coming! - Just hurry!

Hold on, Danny! And do not look down!

Oh, God, please do not let him die.

Listen, kid. You grab my hand and we get out of here.

- I cannot, Jack. I will fall. - Come on, now.

- Trust me. - I cannot do it.

Listen to me. Hold on with your legs and let your hands go.

I will catch you. Believe in me. I will catch you. Get my hand.

Go for it, Danny!

This hero stuff has its limits.

I need a hospital. My shoulder is out of the socket.

Will a morgue suffice?

Get down, Danny!

Give it up, Benedict. The lobby is swarming with cops.

I think I can avoid them. But if not, I have a little -

- explosive surprise for them.

Since you are about to die, I will tell you the plot. Think of villains.

Do you want Dracula? Hang on.

I will fetch him. Dracula? I can get King Kong.

A nightmare with Freddy Krueger. A party for Adolf Hitler.

Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. And a christening for Rosemary's Baby.

If I snap my fingers, they will come. They are lining up. Do you know why?

Because in this world the bad guys can win! I shall miss you, Jack.

Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the gun.

No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

You broke my arm!

Do you see, Jack? Bad guys can win.

Now!

No sequel for you.

The ticket.

Take him home. To where this is just a flesh wound.

Do you not understand? We must get him back to the movies.

I said: Turn around!

Great! They always run away! Hang on, Jack.

- Danny, do you know how to drive? - Sure. I have watched you, right?

Get out of the way!

Nick, fire up the projector! Slater is dying!

- Do you have the ticket? - No, but it has to work anyway!

Hold on, Jack. You will make it. This is going to work.

It has to be here.

Please. Nick, hurry! The door will not open.

No sweat, kid. You tried.

Where are you going? Back off! You cannot have him.

I have had it with you, Mister. Who stays, who goes. This one stays!

I was only curious. He is not on any of my lists.

Though you are, Daniel.

- Now? - Oh, no. You die a grandfather.

Wait a minute! Help us. I know you can get him back.

I do not do fiction. It is not my field. Sorry.

You are a very brave young man.

Unfortunately, you are not very bright. If I were you -

- I would look for the other half of the ticket.

They are all gold.

I have got it, Jack! I will get you home.

You cannot die.

I know. Until the grosses go down.

No! This will save us!

Throw that silly thing away.

Holy cow!

Let us hear it for Houdini!

Slater!!!

Has anybody seen Slater? I want him in my office right now!

Help! Somebody!

They got Jack! Doctor, move!

Take this. Get back before it changes its mind.

No way. I will not leave you.

I am an imaginary hero, Danny. You have a real life.

You are real to me. You are the best. I need you...

Here where you can always find me. But I need you there to believe in me.

To take care of your mother.

I would love to... You have your whole life ahead of you.

And pimples and premature ejaculation.

- What? - It is just...

I am scared that I will never see you again.

Whoever thinks that would be making a big mistake.

Get out of the way. Do you want a doctor?

Get out of the way. I am a doctor.

What happened?

Is this a joke? This is not even a flesh wound.

Where the hell have you been?

Where the hell have you been?

It is working again.

That door is coming out of your meagre paycheck!

I have the Eagle Foundation doing a tango up my Hershey Highway!

I do not care about your highway. And stop shouting. I am not deaf!

You shout because it is in the script. You are the comic relief.

And do you know what? I am the hero. So shut up!!

Hollywood writes our lives.

{y:i}I do not want to shoot people {y:i}and blow up buildings anymore.

You did get to be a magician, Nick. It really does work.

The ticket is yours, Danny. And do you know what?

I think the magic was yours, too. Come on.

Have I told you about the time my dad took me to see Buffalo Bill?

We met Sitting Bull, who was his medicine man.

Subtitles by Harry Allen Scandinavian Text Service