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1
00:00:00,980 --> 00:00:02,106
[Lex] My fellow Legion members,
2
00:00:02,106 --> 00:00:04,400
what we have in this briefcase
3
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,112
has the power
to change the universe
as we know it.
4
00:00:08,112 --> 00:00:10,114
[Bane] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
5
00:00:10,114 --> 00:00:12,783
Is it a thing that takes
all the little crumbs
at the bottom of a chip bag
6
00:00:12,783 --> 00:00:15,911
and reforms them
into full-sized chips again?
7
00:00:15,911 --> 00:00:19,123
You think we'd call
an all-hands-on-deck
meeting for that?
8
00:00:19,123 --> 00:00:20,833
I would hope so.
9
00:00:20,833 --> 00:00:22,334
Behold...
10
00:00:22,334 --> 00:00:24,545
the Anti-Life Equation.
11
00:00:25,129 --> 00:00:26,338
[all gasping]
12
00:00:26,338 --> 00:00:27,882
- [growls]
- [Bane] Shiny golden light.
13
00:00:27,882 --> 00:00:30,718
If I can figure out
how to harness its power,
14
00:00:30,718 --> 00:00:32,344
I can kill Superman.
15
00:00:32,344 --> 00:00:34,263
- [all sighing]
- [The Riddler] Ah,
here we go again.
16
00:00:34,263 --> 00:00:36,932
Lex, it's not happening.
You're like watching
17
00:00:36,932 --> 00:00:39,018
- a chihuahua
try to fuck a couch.
- [cackles]
18
00:00:39,018 --> 00:00:40,519
It's not anything like that.
19
00:00:40,519 --> 00:00:43,064
With this,
I will destroy Superman.
20
00:00:43,064 --> 00:00:45,399
News flash,
it's Legion property,
21
00:00:45,399 --> 00:00:47,360
so you need an approval.
22
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,944
[Black Manta] I vote we use it
to kill Aquaman.
23
00:00:48,944 --> 00:00:51,572
I vote that we use it
to kill Wonder Woman.
24
00:00:51,572 --> 00:00:53,741
[Bane] I hate to go back
to the chip thing,
25
00:00:53,741 --> 00:00:55,826
but have you ever
tried dipping
those little bit--
26
00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:57,912
- No one gives a fuck
about your chip thing.
- [Bane whimpers]
27
00:00:57,912 --> 00:01:00,081
The Justice League
is going to be coming for this.
28
00:01:00,081 --> 00:01:03,376
So let's hide it
in the impenetrable vault
until we can agree on a use.
29
00:01:03,376 --> 00:01:07,588
I want round-the-clock
patrols of the building
by every flying LOD member.
30
00:01:07,588 --> 00:01:11,008
- Where are our flying members?
- [Bane] Uh, missing.
31
00:01:11,008 --> 00:01:14,470
They were all invited to
a "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"
32
00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:16,430
and have not been seen since.
33
00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:19,517
A "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"?
Damn it.
34
00:01:19,517 --> 00:01:21,644
This was probably
a ruse by Superman
35
00:01:21,644 --> 00:01:23,312
- to remove
our overhead surveillance.
- [all groaning]
36
00:01:23,312 --> 00:01:25,272
We need eyes in the air ASAP.
37
00:01:25,272 --> 00:01:27,274
[Black Manta] Who do
we know that flies?
38
00:01:27,274 --> 00:01:28,901
[rock music plays]
39
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:30,403
[man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪
40
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,948
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me.
41
00:01:33,948 --> 00:01:35,533
- [grunting]
- [coins jingling]
42
00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:36,951
- [Kite Man groaning]
- [Spoiler grunting]
43
00:01:36,951 --> 00:01:40,121
Can we just put the money back
and be coolio?
44
00:01:40,121 --> 00:01:41,580
- [grunts] Ooh!
- [cell phone ringing]
45
00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:43,582
The Riddler's planted
a bomb downtown.
46
00:01:43,582 --> 00:01:46,961
[Spoiler] Ugh! I'm stopping
Kite Man and his goons
from robbing a bank.
47
00:01:46,961 --> 00:01:48,629
Who's Kite Man again?
48
00:01:48,629 --> 00:01:50,297
[chuckles]
Hey, you know me.
I got a kite,
49
00:01:50,297 --> 00:01:53,008
say, "Hell, yeah,"
do a solid Borat impression.
50
00:01:53,008 --> 00:01:53,968
[imitates Borat]
"Ah, my wife--"
51
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:55,136
[grunts] Ow!
52
00:01:55,136 --> 00:01:56,679
Leave him to the cops.
53
00:01:58,097 --> 00:02:00,015
- [grunts] Ooh.
- [coins jingle]
54
00:02:00,015 --> 00:02:01,475
All righty.
55
00:02:01,475 --> 00:02:04,395
So, uh, anybody wanna
grab a brewski on me?
56
00:02:06,939 --> 00:02:10,860
Oh, this would
have gone way better
if Golden Glider was here.
57
00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:13,362
Today is not my day.
58
00:02:14,697 --> 00:02:16,991
[man] Golden Glider,
today is your day.
59
00:02:16,991 --> 00:02:18,451
[gasps] It is?
60
00:02:18,451 --> 00:02:20,494
[man] Stacy has the shits.
You're skating the lead.
61
00:02:20,494 --> 00:02:24,248
[gasps] Gauntlet Gloria,
today really is my day.
62
00:02:24,248 --> 00:02:27,126
Okay, I'm opening
with my signature move,
63
00:02:27,126 --> 00:02:32,339
a pirouette into a triple axel,
aka the Golden Sparkler--
64
00:02:32,339 --> 00:02:34,592
Don't you mean
the Golden Shower?
65
00:02:34,592 --> 00:02:35,760
[coughing]
66
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,345
Everyone, shut up!
The star has arrived.
67
00:02:38,345 --> 00:02:41,015
But you're sick.
What if you shit on the ice?
68
00:02:41,015 --> 00:02:43,059
- What if
the whole audience shits...
- [Golden Glider groans]
69
00:02:43,059 --> 00:02:46,479
- ...when they see you skate,
Olden Glider?
- [skaters laughing]
70
00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:48,230
- Right? Don't trip.
- [Golden Glider grunts]
71
00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:50,066
[Stacy laughing] Awesome.
72
00:02:50,066 --> 00:02:51,734
- [triumphant music playing]
- [audience cheering]
73
00:02:54,487 --> 00:02:56,781
Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.
74
00:02:56,781 --> 00:02:59,450
See you at the bar.
Drinks on me.
75
00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:01,369
[audience whoops]
76
00:03:01,369 --> 00:03:03,996
She stole my Golden Shower!
77
00:03:03,996 --> 00:03:05,998
[gasps] Sprinklers! Ugh, shit!
78
00:03:07,124 --> 00:03:08,667
That's it.
79
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:10,920
- [grunting]
- [Stacy yelps]
80
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,546
[groaning]
81
00:03:13,381 --> 00:03:14,256
[audience exclaiming]
82
00:03:14,256 --> 00:03:15,925
[Stacy grunting]
83
00:03:17,468 --> 00:03:20,888
[skaters grunting]
84
00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:24,558
- Eat ice!
- [Stacy grunting]
85
00:03:25,142 --> 00:03:26,560
[screams]
86
00:03:27,186 --> 00:03:28,646
[music fades]
87
00:03:28,646 --> 00:03:30,731
- [audience booing]
- Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.
88
00:03:30,731 --> 00:03:32,274
I'll see myself out. [chuckles]
89
00:03:32,274 --> 00:03:34,402
This show sucks anyway.
90
00:03:34,402 --> 00:03:36,529
[scoffs] Stupid no talent.
91
00:03:36,529 --> 00:03:38,864
Calling me psycho?
You're psycho!
92
00:03:38,864 --> 00:03:40,908
[jazz music playing]
93
00:03:52,378 --> 00:03:55,756
Babe, what happened to you?
94
00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:57,550
[sighs] Oh, you know matinees.
95
00:03:57,550 --> 00:03:59,218
[chuckles] How'd it go down
at the bank?
96
00:03:59,218 --> 00:04:02,096
Well, the good news is
we all came back in one piece.
97
00:04:02,096 --> 00:04:03,472
Oh, I beg to differ.
98
00:04:03,472 --> 00:04:05,141
Except Steve.
99
00:04:05,141 --> 00:04:06,559
He's bleeding out.
Hey, Noonan, can you
sew him up?
100
00:04:06,559 --> 00:04:09,103
Got three guys ahead of him.
101
00:04:09,103 --> 00:04:11,939
Truth is, babe, a teen girl
kicked the crap out of us.
102
00:04:11,939 --> 00:04:13,983
[scoffs] Oh,
this freaking generation.
103
00:04:13,983 --> 00:04:16,736
Yeah, I think the problem is
we were inside a bank,
104
00:04:16,736 --> 00:04:19,030
and I can't use
my superpowers inside.
105
00:04:19,030 --> 00:04:21,615
A kite's not a superpower.
106
00:04:21,615 --> 00:04:25,453
Kids have kites,
and I could kick
the shit out of most kids.
107
00:04:25,453 --> 00:04:28,789
- And Kite Man could kick
the shit out of all kids.
- Thanks, babe.
108
00:04:28,789 --> 00:04:31,751
You don't need
superpowers to be
a supervillain. [giggles]
109
00:04:31,751 --> 00:04:33,586
All's I know is,
when I was a kid,
110
00:04:33,586 --> 00:04:36,922
I'd sit in my room
and I'd dream about
being a supervillain.
111
00:04:36,922 --> 00:04:38,841
My mom would knock
on the door and say,
112
00:04:38,841 --> 00:04:40,468
"Chuck, what are you
doing in there?"
113
00:04:40,468 --> 00:04:42,678
And I'd say,
"Not masturbating."
114
00:04:42,678 --> 00:04:46,307
And she'd say, "That feels
like something a masturbator
would say while masturbating."
115
00:04:46,307 --> 00:04:49,101
And I'd be all like,
"Mom! I... I will tell you
when I'm masturbating--"
116
00:04:49,101 --> 00:04:52,146
- Jesus fuck! Stop telling
that nasty-ass story.
- [snoring]
117
00:04:52,146 --> 00:04:55,399
Yeah, I thought you were gonna
86 the "Mom catches me
jacking it" shit.
118
00:04:55,399 --> 00:04:57,068
Shut up!
119
00:04:57,068 --> 00:04:59,487
Don't listen to them, Chuck.
I like that story. [chuckles]
120
00:04:59,487 --> 00:05:01,822
I don't. But you have
the right to tell it
121
00:05:01,822 --> 00:05:05,159
because you're a flying villain
destined for greatness.
122
00:05:05,159 --> 00:05:08,579
[Bane] I'm looking
for a flying villain
destined for greatness
123
00:05:08,579 --> 00:05:11,165
to help out the Legion of Doom.
124
00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:13,501
Babe, that's literally you.
125
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,628
[Bane] No way, Golden Glider.
126
00:05:15,628 --> 00:05:18,714
Lex is still pissed
from the last time you helped.
127
00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:23,803
That one insane power
of yours melted most
of the cafeteria staff.
128
00:05:23,803 --> 00:05:26,639
- Oh, come on.
Those powers aren't my fault.
- Hey.
129
00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:31,602
She told Lex very clearly
that she can't control
her rather disturbing powers.
130
00:05:31,602 --> 00:05:33,312
- Thanks, babe.
- You're my world, babe.
131
00:05:33,312 --> 00:05:37,108
Yeah. I still have to bring Lex
a flying villain, so--
132
00:05:37,108 --> 00:05:38,317
Oh, Kite Man can do it.
133
00:05:38,317 --> 00:05:40,111
But he has no powers.
134
00:05:40,111 --> 00:05:41,696
He's just got a kite.
135
00:05:41,696 --> 00:05:44,657
Like a Victorian child
in a sailor suit.
136
00:05:44,657 --> 00:05:47,702
That is not true.
Kindness is his superpower.
137
00:05:47,702 --> 00:05:49,537
Noonan, when you were
stabbed in the heart,
138
00:05:49,537 --> 00:05:50,830
who brought you soup
for three months?
139
00:05:50,830 --> 00:05:53,541
FlashDash.
But Kite Man delivered it.
140
00:05:53,541 --> 00:05:54,917
[stammers]
And Queen of Fables,
141
00:05:54,917 --> 00:05:56,544
who found your severed head
on the ground
142
00:05:56,544 --> 00:05:57,920
and saved it
in a glass jar?
143
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,547
Fuck if I know.
I was dead.
144
00:05:59,547 --> 00:06:00,715
It was Kite Man!
145
00:06:00,715 --> 00:06:02,675
- And Moe and Joe--
- Kite Man.
146
00:06:02,675 --> 00:06:04,051
Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.
147
00:06:04,051 --> 00:06:05,511
And you don't have to.
148
00:06:05,511 --> 00:06:08,013
Let's just say
they were able to reattach it.
149
00:06:08,013 --> 00:06:08,931
[both] Not all of it.
150
00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:10,474
See? Case closed.
151
00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:13,894
Your heart is your superpower,
and anyone who doesn't see that
152
00:06:13,894 --> 00:06:17,064
is a huge D-bag
who's getting
their ass kicked by me.
153
00:06:17,064 --> 00:06:18,816
Well, I don't have
a ass to kick.
154
00:06:18,816 --> 00:06:20,609
Besides, heart ain't
even a power.
155
00:06:20,609 --> 00:06:22,862
[Bane] I enjoy
the friendly banter here,
156
00:06:22,862 --> 00:06:25,740
but I parked
in a loading zone so...
157
00:06:26,490 --> 00:06:28,409
Ugh, Kite Man it is.
158
00:06:28,409 --> 00:06:29,952
- [cheers]
- Hell, yeah.
159
00:06:29,952 --> 00:06:33,080
Kite Man.
Thank you for joining us.
160
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,707
You know, I'm a big fan.
161
00:06:34,707 --> 00:06:37,668
Like you, I forged my way
to success and started--
162
00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:39,295
- Please shut the fuck up.
- Roger that.
163
00:06:39,295 --> 00:06:42,256
The Justice League is going
to attack us at any moment.
164
00:06:42,256 --> 00:06:43,841
Your job is to patrol the skies
165
00:06:43,841 --> 00:06:46,761
and alert us
if one of them attacks by air.
166
00:06:46,761 --> 00:06:49,305
Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.
167
00:06:49,305 --> 00:06:51,515
Do not fuck up.
168
00:06:51,515 --> 00:06:54,101
Oh, good thing
I only fuck down.
169
00:06:58,272 --> 00:07:00,274
[triumphant music playing]
170
00:07:01,317 --> 00:07:02,276
Hell, yeah!
171
00:07:03,194 --> 00:07:05,112
Kite Man to base.
172
00:07:05,112 --> 00:07:07,073
[loudly] KM to B.
173
00:07:07,073 --> 00:07:10,368
Can you hear me? Over.
174
00:07:10,368 --> 00:07:12,203
No need to shout.
175
00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:14,622
[chuckles] Yeah,
this equipment's
pretty sensitive. Yeah.
176
00:07:14,622 --> 00:07:16,123
Gus, oh, sorry.
177
00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:17,792
[stammers] I just...
I'm a... I'm a little nervous.
178
00:07:17,792 --> 00:07:19,460
- This is a big opportunity.
- Oh, well,
179
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,712
- you know what
I tell my kindergartners?
- [music fades]
180
00:07:21,712 --> 00:07:24,215
Even a complex task is simple
181
00:07:24,215 --> 00:07:28,427
if you do one
right thing followed
by another right thing.
182
00:07:28,427 --> 00:07:29,762
You teach kindergarten?
183
00:07:29,762 --> 00:07:31,680
Oh, yeah.
I just goon on the side--
184
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,934
Oh, dear God!
Everything here is on fire.
185
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:37,853
Gus? I'm...
I'm coming for you. Over.
186
00:07:39,689 --> 00:07:41,899
[grunting]
187
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:45,277
[groaning]
188
00:07:45,277 --> 00:07:47,655
- Everybody back up!
He needs to breathe.
- [Kite Man groaning]
189
00:07:47,655 --> 00:07:49,156
Give him space.
190
00:07:49,156 --> 00:07:51,283
- [groaning]
- [Golden Glider]
Chuck, wake up!
191
00:07:51,283 --> 00:07:53,619
[gasps] Are you okay?
192
00:07:53,619 --> 00:07:54,995
- [Kite Man groans]
- [body cracks]
193
00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:57,289
Well, a little sore,
but it's not too bad
194
00:07:57,289 --> 00:08:00,543
considering I went
toe to toe with the son
of Krypton himself.
195
00:08:00,543 --> 00:08:05,131
Um... Well, you didn't actually
quite get to Superman.
196
00:08:05,131 --> 00:08:06,966
You got knocked out
197
00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:09,218
and then a crosswind blew
your limp, unconscious body
into some power lines.
198
00:08:09,218 --> 00:08:11,971
Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman
of weather patterns there.
199
00:08:11,971 --> 00:08:13,806
[hesitates] But, uh, hey,
did we at least...
200
00:08:13,806 --> 00:08:15,725
Did we protect the...
the thingamajig?
201
00:08:15,725 --> 00:08:17,017
What... What is it? The, um...
202
00:08:17,017 --> 00:08:17,977
[Lex] It's gone.
203
00:08:18,853 --> 00:08:20,688
Lex, you came to check on me?
204
00:08:20,688 --> 00:08:22,815
Hardly. I came here
remotely to say
205
00:08:22,815 --> 00:08:25,234
you are the worst "villain"
I have ever witnessed.
206
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:27,570
How dare you say that,
you shaved ball sack!
207
00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:28,779
I got this, babe.
208
00:08:28,779 --> 00:08:30,031
You know what, Lex?
209
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,824
- [back cracking]
- Ow! Oh, my back.
210
00:08:31,824 --> 00:08:33,242
- [groans]
- Oh, oh, oh, babe.
211
00:08:33,242 --> 00:08:34,869
- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...
212
00:08:34,869 --> 00:08:36,662
I'm gonna stand up for myself
lying down.
213
00:08:36,662 --> 00:08:38,456
- And, ooh, there we go.
- Hey.
214
00:08:38,456 --> 00:08:40,458
- Gentle. Gentle.
- [groaning]
215
00:08:40,458 --> 00:08:41,917
- Is he still there?
- Yeah.
216
00:08:41,917 --> 00:08:44,712
You know what, Lex?
I used to look up to you.
217
00:08:44,712 --> 00:08:47,173
Now, you may have
a bajillion dollars
218
00:08:47,173 --> 00:08:50,551
and a fancy corporation
and a private army--
219
00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:52,219
- What a loser!
- Uh...
220
00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:53,971
Nope, hang on, babe.
Didn't get to the
bad stuff yet.
221
00:08:53,971 --> 00:08:55,639
- 10-4, babe.
- Here it comes.
222
00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:59,602
You may have that stuff,
but you know what
you don't have?
223
00:08:59,602 --> 00:09:01,187
Friends.
224
00:09:01,187 --> 00:09:03,939
You'll never be able
to walk into a place like this,
225
00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:05,816
lie down on the floor,
226
00:09:05,816 --> 00:09:09,570
and know that everyone
around you loves you
and cares about you.
227
00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:11,489
So who's the real loser here?
228
00:09:11,489 --> 00:09:13,491
Me or the guy with no friends
229
00:09:13,491 --> 00:09:19,080
who, real talk, will never
be able to kill Superman?
230
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,582
So, this dump
is your sanctuary?
231
00:09:21,582 --> 00:09:23,084
You're darn tootin'.
232
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,419
Mr. Noonan,
I would like to buy your bar.
233
00:09:25,419 --> 00:09:27,004
It's not for sale.
234
00:09:27,004 --> 00:09:28,923
- How about
ten million dollars?
- Sold.
235
00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:30,299
- What?
- [all exclaiming]
236
00:09:30,299 --> 00:09:31,801
Wonderful.
237
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:33,386
I'll have my people
draw up the contract
238
00:09:33,386 --> 00:09:35,346
and a wrecking crew here
by the end of the week.
239
00:09:35,346 --> 00:09:37,431
- [door closes]
- Is everyone staring at me
disapprovingly?
240
00:09:37,431 --> 00:09:39,475
I... I can't get a good angle.
241
00:09:39,475 --> 00:09:42,770
This is all that's left
of our impenetrable vault.
242
00:09:42,770 --> 00:09:47,858
[Bane] Toy Man,
please tell me you purchased
the extended warranty.
243
00:09:50,277 --> 00:09:51,112
- Uh-oh.
- [beeps]
244
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,446
[screams]
245
00:09:52,446 --> 00:09:55,282
[Bane] Is...
Is that a thing
with every chair?
246
00:09:55,282 --> 00:09:57,076
I am going to stand.
247
00:09:57,076 --> 00:09:59,537
- [Bane grunting]
- You know whose fault this is?
248
00:09:59,537 --> 00:10:00,746
Kite Man's.
249
00:10:00,746 --> 00:10:02,456
And you picked him, Bane.
250
00:10:02,456 --> 00:10:05,960
[Bane] I think we should be
supportive of each other.
251
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,255
- Would you give me some
fucking space and take a seat?
- [Bane whimpers]
252
00:10:09,255 --> 00:10:11,340
- My point is--
- You're fired.
253
00:10:11,340 --> 00:10:15,428
- [glass shatters]
- [Bane yells] What happened
to two weeks' notice?
254
00:10:15,428 --> 00:10:19,014
What the dick, Noonan?
You can't sell this bar.
255
00:10:19,014 --> 00:10:21,726
Look, I don't want to sell it.
256
00:10:21,726 --> 00:10:24,145
But I can't refuse
ten million bucks.
257
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,981
[sighs] But this place
freaking rules.
258
00:10:26,981 --> 00:10:28,983
Chuck and I had
our first date here.
259
00:10:28,983 --> 00:10:31,152
- Who the hell is Chuck?
- Kite Man.
260
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,653
Aw.
261
00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:34,613
We had drinks at the bar.
We played darts
right over there.
262
00:10:34,613 --> 00:10:37,116
Did hand stuff at the table
right there. [giggles]
263
00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:43,581
My drinking problem
and subsequent divorce
started on this very stool.
264
00:10:43,581 --> 00:10:47,334
Yeah, the big supervillains
are all sitting pretty
in their lairs,
265
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:50,629
but this place
is for the dregs,
the goons, the henches.
266
00:10:50,629 --> 00:10:52,089
A place for the rest of us.
267
00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:55,051
A place you don't mind
taking a nasty shit in.
268
00:10:55,051 --> 00:10:56,135
I agree.
269
00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:58,012
And not just because
we share an anus.
270
00:10:58,012 --> 00:10:59,388
Well, I'll tell you what.
271
00:10:59,388 --> 00:11:01,265
It's not going anywhere.
272
00:11:01,265 --> 00:11:04,310
You can do
number two in this place
as long as you want
273
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:08,189
'cause me and Glider
are buying this bar.
274
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:09,398
Yeah, we are!
275
00:11:09,398 --> 00:11:10,691
Wait, what? [chuckles]
276
00:11:10,691 --> 00:11:12,693
Babe, this bar is
10 million dollars.
277
00:11:12,693 --> 00:11:15,363
You can't put a price
on the place you call home.
278
00:11:15,363 --> 00:11:17,823
Uh, you absolutely can
and it's 10 million dollars.
279
00:11:17,823 --> 00:11:19,492
- Babe.
- [chuckling] Babe.
280
00:11:19,492 --> 00:11:21,327
- Babe.
- Babe!
281
00:11:21,327 --> 00:11:22,995
Babe.
282
00:11:22,995 --> 00:11:26,374
Will you make me the happiest
small business owner
in the world
283
00:11:26,374 --> 00:11:27,917
and buy this bar with me?
284
00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:29,919
Is this bullshit working?
285
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:31,545
I don't even know
what I'm watching anymore.
286
00:11:31,545 --> 00:11:34,340
Oh, you crazy son of a mom!
287
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:36,342
This is the stupidest idea
in the world,
288
00:11:36,342 --> 00:11:39,678
and I can't wait to do it
with you! [laughs]
289
00:11:39,678 --> 00:11:40,930
- [all cheering]
- Babe.
290
00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,348
- [all applauding]
- Aw, look at that.
291
00:11:42,348 --> 00:11:44,892
Here comes the hand stuff
they were talking about.
292
00:11:44,892 --> 00:11:46,143
This is bullshit.
293
00:11:46,143 --> 00:11:47,645
You don't have
10 million dollars.
294
00:11:47,645 --> 00:11:51,273
We can get the money
with the power of our love.
295
00:11:51,273 --> 00:11:52,608
Like through a cam show or a...
296
00:11:52,608 --> 00:11:53,734
Okay, not from a cam show.
297
00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:55,152
But we'll find it.
298
00:11:55,152 --> 00:11:57,363
And Sean, when we come up
with 10 million dollars,
299
00:11:57,363 --> 00:11:59,281
will you sell it to us
instead of Lex?
300
00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:02,076
Sure. But where are you gonna
get that kind of moolah?
301
00:12:02,076 --> 00:12:04,245
It's not gonna just
fall out of the sky.
302
00:12:05,287 --> 00:12:06,122
[Bane] Oh!
303
00:12:06,122 --> 00:12:11,585
God damn you, Lex Luthor!
304
00:12:11,585 --> 00:12:14,130
Aw, shit. I was hoping
that was gonna be
a sack filled with money.
305
00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:18,592
[chuckles] And now,
you got a ceiling to repair
on top of the ten mil.
306
00:12:18,592 --> 00:12:22,179
Kite Man and I
will get you that money
by the end of the week.
307
00:12:22,179 --> 00:12:24,682
- You have a plan, right, babe?
- Hell, yeah, I do.
308
00:12:24,682 --> 00:12:27,518
'Cause I am a grown-ass man.
309
00:12:27,518 --> 00:12:30,771
Daddy, I need to borrow
10 million dollars, please.
310
00:12:30,771 --> 00:12:33,441
Absolutely not. Anything else?
311
00:12:33,441 --> 00:12:36,986
I'm just waiting for the part
where you tell me
it's Opposite Day.
312
00:12:36,986 --> 00:12:38,446
It is not Opposite Day.
313
00:12:38,446 --> 00:12:40,656
Well, you don't even know
what the loan is for.
314
00:12:40,656 --> 00:12:41,949
Who is this woman?
315
00:12:41,949 --> 00:12:44,118
I'm his
girlfriend/business partner.
316
00:12:44,118 --> 00:12:45,703
We've met several times.
317
00:12:45,703 --> 00:12:48,289
I sent you a box
of Omaha steaks
for your birthday.
318
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,123
That's dumb.
319
00:12:49,123 --> 00:12:50,791
Look, I got to where I am
320
00:12:50,791 --> 00:12:53,544
because I recognize
a bad investment
when I see one.
321
00:12:53,544 --> 00:12:55,629
You are that bad investment.
322
00:12:55,629 --> 00:12:57,715
Nah, I'm not following.
323
00:12:57,715 --> 00:12:59,175
Not really a money guy.
324
00:12:59,175 --> 00:13:01,135
Let me be abundantly clear.
325
00:13:01,135 --> 00:13:03,512
You have never accomplished
anything in your life.
326
00:13:03,512 --> 00:13:06,515
- I do not believe in you.
- Well, then loan it to me.
327
00:13:06,515 --> 00:13:09,477
No, because you're dumb
enough to date Chuck.
328
00:13:09,477 --> 00:13:12,146
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get a vasectomy.
329
00:13:12,146 --> 00:13:15,816
Good idea. In fact,
make it a double vasectomy.
330
00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:18,819
Come on, Chuck.
Let's bounce.
331
00:13:18,819 --> 00:13:20,654
- [Kiteman grunts]
- [Golden Glider grunts]
332
00:13:22,656 --> 00:13:25,451
- Can't believe
my dad is being so stingy.
- Oh, forget him.
333
00:13:25,451 --> 00:13:27,536
There's got to be
another way to get this money.
334
00:13:27,536 --> 00:13:28,621
Oh, I know!
335
00:13:28,621 --> 00:13:30,081
- Not Shark Tank.
- Damn.
336
00:13:30,081 --> 00:13:32,708
Ugh! Asking people for money
is so humiliating.
337
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,210
That's it.
338
00:13:34,210 --> 00:13:37,213
Babe, it's about to get
a lot more humiliating.
339
00:13:38,672 --> 00:13:40,424
Look, Chuck,
340
00:13:40,424 --> 00:13:44,470
I realize that
we spent your last dime
on a wedding deposit
341
00:13:44,470 --> 00:13:46,430
that you will never get back,
and I--
342
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:47,640
Damn right he did.
343
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,767
No worries.
It was all part of my journey.
344
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:54,689
However, I... I do not
have 10 million dollars
just a-lying around.
345
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:55,898
Eh, I find that
hard to believe.
346
00:13:55,898 --> 00:13:57,692
Babe.
347
00:13:57,692 --> 00:13:59,193
It's true. We just bought
a vacation property
in Themyscira,
348
00:13:59,193 --> 00:14:00,611
so we're second house poor.
349
00:14:00,611 --> 00:14:02,697
Well, that's very relatable.
350
00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:03,948
Not really, babe.
351
00:14:03,948 --> 00:14:05,533
I think they're saying
they don't--
352
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:08,119
- Oh. No, oh, okay.
I get it. Wow.
- [cat meows]
353
00:14:08,119 --> 00:14:10,496
Well, this is
mucho disappointing.
354
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:13,124
Hey, chin up, Kitey.
You're a bad guy.
355
00:14:13,124 --> 00:14:14,500
What do bad guys do?
356
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,336
Bad guys steal things
from worse guys.
357
00:14:17,336 --> 00:14:19,296
Oh, that is the worst...
[gasps]
358
00:14:19,296 --> 00:14:23,050
A really good idea
I've ever heard.
359
00:14:23,050 --> 00:14:26,053
Our target,
Casa de Caucasion.
360
00:14:26,053 --> 00:14:29,223
[Kite Man] An impermeable
island stronghold
on the Eastern Seaboard.
361
00:14:29,223 --> 00:14:33,227
Also, there's usually
some taffy in the cupboard
above the fridge.
362
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,441
Are we robbing
your fucking dad?
363
00:14:38,441 --> 00:14:40,735
- Hell, yeah.
- Damn skippy.
364
00:14:40,735 --> 00:14:42,236
Sick.
365
00:14:49,827 --> 00:14:53,080
- This place looks
like a death trap.
- Hell, yeah, big time.
366
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,166
My dad has a group
of ex-Mossad agents
367
00:14:55,166 --> 00:14:57,626
and power yoga instructors
to protect his mans.
368
00:14:57,626 --> 00:15:00,254
I would be remiss
if I didn't warn you.
369
00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:02,298
Not all of you will make it
back in one piece.
370
00:15:02,298 --> 00:15:04,091
I don't have any more
fucking pieces to lose.
371
00:15:04,091 --> 00:15:08,929
I am drunk and I am in. [burps]
372
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:11,182
All right.
We need a distraction.
373
00:15:11,182 --> 00:15:12,683
Ooh, I got a distraction.
374
00:15:12,683 --> 00:15:15,102
And it involves
a pirouette into a triple axel.
375
00:15:15,102 --> 00:15:16,520
[doorbell rings]
376
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:17,396
Hit it.
377
00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:20,066
[orchestral music playing]
378
00:15:20,649 --> 00:15:22,443
Oh, my God!
379
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,320
She's skating
the opening adagio
380
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,740
from the Generic Desert
Apocalypse on Ice!
381
00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:29,325
It's working. Let's go!
382
00:15:29,325 --> 00:15:30,618
[bodyguard] Holy shit!
383
00:15:30,618 --> 00:15:32,620
I've never seen a move
so beautiful.
384
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:34,622
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who are they?
385
00:15:34,622 --> 00:15:35,873
Those are my, uh...
386
00:15:35,873 --> 00:15:37,792
[clears throat]
Backup skaters.
387
00:15:37,792 --> 00:15:39,794
[all cheer disjointedly]
388
00:15:39,794 --> 00:15:41,504
Hang on.
389
00:15:41,504 --> 00:15:44,590
The backup skaters
don't come out
until the end of act one.
390
00:15:44,590 --> 00:15:46,300
We're being had!
391
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:47,510
[grunts]
392
00:15:55,059 --> 00:15:57,186
- Time to wing it!
- [Bane screams]
393
00:15:57,186 --> 00:15:59,063
[all yelling]
394
00:16:00,856 --> 00:16:02,650
[bodyguards grunting]
395
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:04,610
[screams] Oh!
396
00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:09,490
[yells and groans]
397
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,409
Ooh, it's wet and it's gross.
Oh, God.
398
00:16:12,535 --> 00:16:13,244
[grunts]
399
00:16:13,244 --> 00:16:15,663
- [grunts]
- [screams]
400
00:16:15,663 --> 00:16:16,747
[guns firing]
401
00:16:19,041 --> 00:16:20,501
[both scream]
402
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,628
Oh, it's gross, and it's wet.
It's warm. [grunts]
403
00:16:26,006 --> 00:16:27,675
[both scream]
404
00:16:27,675 --> 00:16:29,343
[both grunting]
405
00:16:36,684 --> 00:16:38,269
[choking]
406
00:16:40,104 --> 00:16:42,314
[both grunting]
407
00:16:45,151 --> 00:16:49,530
- Wait, aren't you my kid's
kindergarten teacher?
- [man 1 screaming faintly]
408
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:53,534
[gasps] You're Mikey's dad.
How fun!
409
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,494
- Did you get the note
I sent home with him?
- Yeah.
410
00:16:55,494 --> 00:16:56,996
- [man 1 screaming faintly]
- Sorry. I... I think
411
00:16:56,996 --> 00:16:59,457
he's acting out
'cause I've been
working so much.
412
00:16:59,457 --> 00:17:02,043
- [Queen of Fables grunting]
- [bodyguard 2 screaming]
413
00:17:02,043 --> 00:17:03,878
You're welcome.
414
00:17:03,878 --> 00:17:06,881
Well, I'm gonna have
to block off some
one-on-one time with Mikey.
415
00:17:06,881 --> 00:17:08,549
[Kite Man grunting]
416
00:17:09,675 --> 00:17:10,509
[bodyguards grunt]
417
00:17:10,509 --> 00:17:12,136
Go in there and get the money.
418
00:17:12,136 --> 00:17:13,888
I'll stay here
and beat them off.
419
00:17:13,888 --> 00:17:15,389
[laughs] Babe, you said beat--
420
00:17:15,389 --> 00:17:17,349
- Not now, Chuck! [grunts]
- [woman yells]
421
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,728
[bodyguards screaming]
422
00:17:20,728 --> 00:17:21,896
[both groan]
423
00:17:21,896 --> 00:17:23,522
[gasps]
424
00:17:23,522 --> 00:17:25,274
Oh! [grunts]
425
00:17:27,651 --> 00:17:28,527
[grunts]
426
00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:32,656
- [gasps]
- [Kite Man grunts]
427
00:17:32,656 --> 00:17:34,116
[both grunting]
428
00:17:34,992 --> 00:17:36,452
Babe, we need a miracle.
429
00:17:36,452 --> 00:17:38,371
You have got to use
your powers.
430
00:17:38,371 --> 00:17:41,457
I can't. You know I can't
control them when I use them.
431
00:17:41,457 --> 00:17:43,417
- [man 3 screaming faintly]
- Lisa! There is no other way.
432
00:17:43,417 --> 00:17:46,087
Chuck, what if I kill you?
433
00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:48,339
That's not gonna happen.
I trust you.
434
00:17:48,339 --> 00:17:50,216
Why do you think I want
to buy a bar with you?
435
00:17:50,216 --> 00:17:54,678
Hey, you's twos
done having your aside
so we can murder youse?
436
00:17:54,678 --> 00:17:58,224
Unless we murder you
like a razor cutting
through garlic.
437
00:17:58,224 --> 00:18:00,684
- [laughs] Right, Moe?
- Let's find out.
438
00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:05,898
- [groans]
- [gasps]
439
00:18:05,898 --> 00:18:06,899
[groans]
440
00:18:09,777 --> 00:18:11,112
Joe!
441
00:18:11,112 --> 00:18:15,366
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
442
00:18:15,366 --> 00:18:16,826
No, no, no...
443
00:18:16,826 --> 00:18:18,661
[groaning]
444
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:25,626
[shrieks]
445
00:18:29,296 --> 00:18:30,589
[all scream]
446
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:40,307
Schwing! Never been turned on
more than right now.
447
00:18:41,142 --> 00:18:42,309
[screams]
448
00:18:43,185 --> 00:18:44,520
[all screaming]
449
00:18:45,938 --> 00:18:46,814
[groans]
450
00:18:47,314 --> 00:18:48,399
Hell, yeah!
451
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,611
So that's the power.
452
00:18:59,326 --> 00:19:01,328
- Hello, Charles.
- Dad.
453
00:19:01,328 --> 00:19:02,872
I've been waiting
to give you these.
454
00:19:02,872 --> 00:19:05,833
What's in them? Oh, oh...
Is it centipedes?
455
00:19:05,833 --> 00:19:07,960
It's centipedes, isn't it?
Did you know
that they sting you?
456
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,172
The bags are full of money,
you idiot.
457
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:12,882
Ten million to be exact.
458
00:19:12,882 --> 00:19:14,675
You're giving me the money?
459
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,969
This is the first time
I've ever seen you
stand up to me.
460
00:19:16,969 --> 00:19:22,308
It makes me think
maybe you're not a completely
worthless piece of garbage.
461
00:19:22,308 --> 00:19:26,103
I've waited
my whole life for... [chuckles]
462
00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:28,356
Well, I mean not...
Not those words,
463
00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:30,483
but I'll take it.
464
00:19:30,483 --> 00:19:32,026
[somber music playing
on recorder]
465
00:19:32,026 --> 00:19:34,487
[Kite Man] We were victorious,
but there was a cost.
466
00:19:34,487 --> 00:19:38,616
I will now read the names
of those who were killed
in our pursuit of glory.
467
00:19:38,616 --> 00:19:43,954
Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball,
Joey Three Balls,
Kneecaps McGee,
468
00:19:43,954 --> 00:19:45,373
Joe Dubelz.
469
00:19:45,373 --> 00:19:46,916
Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.
470
00:19:46,916 --> 00:19:49,293
Joe's fine.
He's just taking a nap.
471
00:19:50,378 --> 00:19:52,880
And Bane,
who I'll miss most of all.
472
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,465
[Bane sputtering] Who?
Wait, what?
473
00:19:54,465 --> 00:19:55,800
- No!
- [coughs]
474
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,426
[Bane] I had to use
the bathroom
475
00:19:57,426 --> 00:19:59,553
back at your dad's house
and I got lost.
476
00:19:59,553 --> 00:20:02,723
Did you leave me for dead?
477
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,809
[stammers] Uh, well,
yeah, well...
478
00:20:04,809 --> 00:20:08,312
But the important thing is
we have the money
and we can buy the bar.
479
00:20:08,312 --> 00:20:10,564
[all cheering]
480
00:20:14,443 --> 00:20:18,364
Is that the briefcase
you told us the
Justice League stole?
481
00:20:18,364 --> 00:20:19,740
And if it is?
482
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,575
That would mean
Superman never took it.
483
00:20:21,575 --> 00:20:24,495
Which means you were the one
that tricked our flyers
484
00:20:24,495 --> 00:20:26,497
into leaving the skies
unprotected.
485
00:20:26,497 --> 00:20:31,460
Except for Kite Man,
a known idiot who would be
your fall guy.
486
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:34,213
There's just one big flaw
in your plan.
487
00:20:34,213 --> 00:20:37,842
The Justice League will scour
the universe for this thing.
488
00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:40,803
And you don't have
the means to protect it.
489
00:20:40,803 --> 00:20:43,931
You only have
to protect something
if people know where it is.
490
00:20:43,931 --> 00:20:45,391
It's on your desk.
491
00:20:45,391 --> 00:20:47,476
Oh, I'll be moving it
right after you're dead.
492
00:20:47,476 --> 00:20:48,936
"Right after I'm..."
493
00:20:48,936 --> 00:20:50,688
Shit.
494
00:20:50,688 --> 00:20:52,440
In answer to your question,
495
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:56,444
I'll be hiding it
in the last place
anyone would think to look.
496
00:20:57,445 --> 00:20:59,280
Kite Man and Golden Glider,
497
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,699
you are the proud owners
of a bar
498
00:21:01,699 --> 00:21:03,826
that's got four mortgages on it
499
00:21:03,826 --> 00:21:08,456
as well as black mold
inside every wall.
500
00:21:11,292 --> 00:21:13,044
Lex, we won it fair and square.
501
00:21:13,044 --> 00:21:16,338
I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to congratulate you.
502
00:21:16,338 --> 00:21:18,924
So, are we friends now?
503
00:21:18,924 --> 00:21:23,637
No, I'm friends
with important people like
Joker and Paul Simon.
504
00:21:23,637 --> 00:21:26,182
Anyway, congrats
on your new business venture.
505
00:21:26,182 --> 00:21:27,683
Uh, Bane, let's go.
506
00:21:27,683 --> 00:21:31,270
I am with them now.
They treat me with respect.
507
00:21:31,270 --> 00:21:33,397
Uh, usually.
508
00:21:33,397 --> 00:21:35,566
Fine. You do you, Bane.
509
00:21:36,984 --> 00:21:40,529
[Bane] I'm doing me!
[mimicking gunshots]
510
00:21:41,739 --> 00:21:44,283
I've done some
whack-ass shit in my life.
511
00:21:44,283 --> 00:21:47,745
But this...
is the whack-assiest.
512
00:21:47,745 --> 00:21:50,873
And I can't imagine
doing it with anyone else.
513
00:21:50,873 --> 00:21:52,208
Hell, yeah.
514
00:21:52,208 --> 00:21:53,667
Babe, I got a feeling
we're gonna make this bar...
515
00:21:53,667 --> 00:21:55,461
[imitates Borat]
...a great success.
516
00:21:55,461 --> 00:21:57,254
[imitates Borat]
Ah, very nice.
517
00:21:57,254 --> 00:21:58,964
[both moaning]
518
00:21:58,964 --> 00:22:00,883
[Gus in normal voice]
Oh, here comes
the hand stuff.
519
00:22:05,096 --> 00:22:06,555
[DeSaad] Lord Darkseid!
520
00:22:06,555 --> 00:22:08,557
After ages of searching,
521
00:22:08,557 --> 00:22:11,769
I have narrowed
the location of the weapon
to a small range of planets.
522
00:22:11,769 --> 00:22:13,437
Excellent.
523
00:22:13,437 --> 00:22:17,191
For it is Darkseid's
destiny to harness
the Anti-Life Equation.
524
00:22:17,191 --> 00:22:22,863
The power to enslave
the mind of every being
in the universe. [laughs]
525
00:22:22,863 --> 00:22:27,368
And undoubtedly,
this priceless weapon
is being held
526
00:22:27,368 --> 00:22:31,205
in an impenetrable fortress,
527
00:22:31,205 --> 00:22:36,043
under the protection
of its sector's
most supreme beings.
528
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:39,463
We must prepare
for all-out war!
[laughs evilly]
529
00:22:39,463 --> 00:22:42,133
[choir] ♪ All out... ♪
530
00:22:42,133 --> 00:22:44,218
[rock music playing]
531
00:22:44,218 --> 00:22:49,218
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532
00:22:44,218 --> 00:22:54,218
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