Original subtitles

Come on. Come on. Should be just enough to finish the job.

Phew! Can't be too careful with this stuff.

"Warning."

Blah blah blah...

"Extreme usage could result in minor gravity anomalies."

Can it, Poindexter. I've come this far.

I'm not giving up now.

Yes, this is it!

It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but it'll all be worth it.

Just eighteen more hours.

Finally, everything changes...

today.

Aah! It's here! It's here! It's here!

Okay, so I was just opening random doors, because I'm a creep,

when I found something amazing!

If it was worth waking up at 7:00 am for, that will be amazing.

Feast your eyes!

Whoa!

Bro. Bro. We're both thinkin' it.

Crazy rooftop fireworks party!

Not so fast, kids.

There is no way on earth you're setting off those dangerous, illegal fireworks...

without me.

Here you go, sweetie!

Set something on fire for your Grunkle Stan!

I am the god of destruction!

Whoa!

Yay! Whoo!

Hold on a minute. Do you have a permit for those?

Uh...

Uh, do you have a permit for being totally lame?

Hey-o!

Well, I can't argue with that.

Carry on.

Ha ha!

But seriously, though, we should probably clean this mess up.

With water balloons?

I don't see why not.

Seriously?

Ow. Whoo!

Ah, this is what Saturdays are for.

Doing dumb things forever!

Dumb things forever!

Whoa, there!

To Grunkle Stan!

Not just a great uncle.

The greatest uncle!

Ha ha. All right, all right. I tell ya,

it's unnatural for siblings to get along as well as you do.

Ha ha! Don't worry, we've still got plenty of summer left

to drive each other crazy.

Heh... yeah... plenty of summer left.

Kids, there's something I, uh... something I should tell you.

It's, um... W-well, it's complicated.

I...

I'm gonna go refresh my soda.

Enjoy it while you can, Stan.

They'll find out sooner or later.

Today's the day.

What is that, a ladybug?

What the... Oh, no!

Target's secure. Take the house.

What the...?

Kids are secure.

Roof team, go!

Clear!

Clear!

Pig secure, we have secured a pig.

Hey, hands off, you stooge!

Aah! I don't understand!

What did I do that warrants this much arresting?

The government guys?

I thought you got eaten by zombies.

We survived... barely.

I used Trigger as a human shield.

He cried like a baby.

Wha-hey!

Not in front of the Special Ops guys.

This is security footage of a government waste facility.

At 0400 hours last night, someone robbed 300 gallons of dangerous waste.

What? You think that's me?

Don't play dumb with us, Pines!

But I actually am dumb! Last night I was restocking

the gift shop...I swear!

Wait, Grunkle Stan!

You've got the wrong guy! Our Grunkle Stan might shoplift the occasional tangerine,

but he's not some evil supervillain.

Listen, kid. We've been watching your family all summer,

and we've seen some disturbing things,

but nothing as dangerous as what your uncle is hiding.

Somewhere hidden in this shack is a doomsday device!

Trigger, you take the children.

I'll talk to the old man. Sorry to break it to you, kids,

but you don't know your uncle at all.

- Icy pop, clear! - Hey!

Kids! You gotta believe me! For once I'm actually innocent!

Kids!

¶ Headin' into work, doot doo doo doo doo ¶

Ground team, move move move!

Break down the door!

Or... maybe not.

Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste,

conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons.

How do you plead to these charges?

Uh..."guiltoccent". I mean, "innoguilty".

Um...can I have my phone call?

Okay, give me whatever you got that comes with a free toy.

Soos!

Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of possession situation?

Soos, pick up!

Mr. Pines, what happened?

I heard you got arrested or something?

I had to go get some panic food.

Listen, I need something from you.

You know that vending machine in the gift shop?

I need you to guard it with your life.

No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you,

don't let them touch that machine!

Time for a repair guy... to become a repair man.

Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?

Just put one in my mouth.

Let's do this.

We've got Mr. Pines in custody.

Our men are searching the shack for that device.

You take care of those kids.

What are you gonna do to us?

We'll be taking you to child services. -Boo!

In the meantime, enjoy some mindless reality TV...

designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions.

I'm about to make the incision.

Ker-prank! Aah!

You're watching Ker-Prank'd with Justin Ker-Prank.

Dipper, this is crazy.

There's no way Stan was stealing hazardous waste.

We gotta clear his name!

Hmm...

Wait a minute, the security tapes!

Didn't Stan say he was restocking the gift shop last night?

If we could get the Mystery Shack's surveillance tapes,

we could prove he's innocent!

We just need to think of a way out of here.

Think, Mabel. Think.

No!

Oh oh oh aah!

Aah! Aah!

Mayday, mayday! Agent down!

Uhh! Darn branch!

Uhh! Ha ha, yes!

Backup! Requesting backup! Aah!

Come on, Dipper. We're gonna go clear our uncle's name.

Oh, you poor kids. You really think your uncle's innocent?

I've seen it all before. False names, double lives.

One minute, they're playing with water balloons.

The next, they're building doomsday devices.

Your uncle scammed the whole world.

You gonna let him scam you, too?

You-you don't know what you're talking about.

You're gonna regret this!

Aah!

Only five more hours till it happens.

I gotta be there! Come on, Stan,

you gotta think of a way out of this.

Think! Think!

Huh?

They're getting stronger!

Of course, that's it!

H-hey! Whoa!

Is it just me, or did the entire world just hiccup?

I'm sure it's just a baby-sized earthquake.

Aww, baby-sized!

It's happening! The end's times!

When that machine activates, I gotta get outta town!

Git in there, raccoon wife, git!

Eh?

All right, here's the plan.

I'll take out those two guard guys,

you karate-chop the other dude in the neck,

and then we'll back-flip through the front door!

Mabel, aren't you forgetting the simpler solution?

Oh, right.

So is it a rock, or is it a face?

I think... it's a metaphor.

All right. If I was Stan,

where would I hide those surveillance tapes?

Wait! The Antelabbit!

Don't you mean "jackalope"?

Pfft! That can't be right.

- Yes! - Yes!

It's this week! This is it!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Someone yelled "Wormy Dance". We had to!

Fast-forward.

Ha! There it is! Stan restocking, like he said.

And the date shows it was last night!

It's proof! He's innocent!

- Uh-oh. - Uh, maybe he's just going to the bathroom outdoors,

the way nature intended.

Oh, no. Stan, you didn't!

Don't panic. That could be anyone in that suit.

Aah! Hot Belgian waffles!

Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real! Son-of-a...

That's him, all right.

Okay, okay. So maybe Grunkle Stan stole some toxic waste.

That doesn't mean he's leading a nefarious double life.

Mabel, I'm not so sure about that.

What? What is all this?

Stetson Pinefield?

Hal Forrester? Andrew "8-Ball" Alcatraz?

These are fake IDs, Mabel!

You wouldn't need these unless you were trying to hide your real identity.

But why would Stan do that?

What?

"Stan Pines Dead"?

"Foul play suspected in Pines' death".

"Fiery car crash, brakes cut..." By who?

"Unnamed grifter at large"?

Why would they call him "unnamed"?

Unless Stan...

...isn't...

...Stan?! Stan?!

Stan Pines is dead?

Then who have we been living with?

It doesn't make any sense!

There has to be some explanation.

Maybe we're getting Ker-Pranked!

Justin Ker-Prank is gonna jump up

from behind one of these plants, any minute now!

Any minute, Justin.

Can't believe it! This whole summer I've been looking for answers,

and the biggest mystery was right under our nose.

There's gotta be some kind of explanation in here, somewhere.

What the--?

"Secret Code to Hideout"?

Let me see that!

A1, B, C3...

I've never seen a code like this.

Wait, I have!

Dipper, it's the vending machine!

All right, Pines. Play time is over.

Chopper's ready to dust off to Washington.

I'll enjoy putting you away.

What?Um, can't we stick around for maybe one minute,

uh, one minute, thirty seconds?

We're not falling for your games, Pines.

You've been running your whole life.

Your time is finally up.

Bathroom break? Just gimme 15 seconds.

Sorry, but you've got a flight to catch.

Oh, yeah? So do you!

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Aah!

Hey! Dang it, get back here!

Men, get him!

No! You won't get away with this! Aah!

- Aah! - Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya!

Ow!

Whoa!

You know where the Mystery Shack is?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, here's a hundred bucks.

Drive as far away from the Shack as possible,

and don't stop when the cops start chasing you!

He's getting away!

Obviously, follow that cab!

Stanford escaped! He's at large!

We need to sweep the town! Move, move, move!

All right, Soos, remember the plan.

Protect the machine, earn Stan's trust,

legally get adopted by Stan, change name to Stan Junior.

Soos! Aah!

Oh, kids, where have you been?

W-what are you doing here?

Stan gave me a mission to protect this machine.

Ha! And I thought I loved snacks!

Soos, listen. Something huge is going on here.

If Stan is hiding some dangerous secret,

we need to find out what it is!

I need you to step aside.

Yeah, just let us through so we can prove this is all just a big misunderstanding.

Guys, I know this seems crazy, but I promised Stan I would guard this with my life.

I'm sorry, Soos.

Aah! Attack glitter! It's pretty, but it hurts!

- Please, Soos! - C'mon, Soos!

Aw, c'mon, I don't wanna fight you guys!

This hurts me more than it hurts you!

Aah!

Seriously, it hurts me way more than it hurts you.

Aah!

Ohh...

It's like something from a video game.

Or a dream.

Or a nightmare.

I gotta be there when it happens! Aah!

Guys, are we dreaming? Somebody wake me up.

This... can't be real.

I don't understand. Why would Mr. Pines have all this?

It's just like that bunker in the woods.

But what is it doing underneath the Mystery Shack?

Okay, okay, so he's got a huge, gigantic lab.

That doesn't mean anything bad.

Everyone's got secrets!

It's still Stan, and he loves us.

And we love him, right?

Can't be... it's impossible.

The other two journals?!

All this time, all this time, Stan had them?!

I can't believe it! Was anything he said to us real?

Why would he have those journals?

Maybe he's the author.

Or maybe he stole them from the author!

Maybe the reason he has all of those fake IDs

is because he is a master criminal,

and this machine is his master plan!

Whoa!

"I was wrong the whole time".

"The machine was meant to create knowledge, but it is too powerful!"

"I was deceived, and now it is too late!"

"The device, if fully operational,

could tear our universe apart!"

"It must not fall into the wrong hands".

"If the clockever reaches zero, our universe is doomed."

It's the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!

The agents were right! We have to shut it down!

There! Quick!

Turn these! Together!

That's it! The shutdown switch!

This all stops now!

Don't touch that button!

Dipper, just back away.

Please don't pressthat shutdown button. You gotta trust me.

And I should trust you, why?

After you stole radioactive waste,

after you lied to us all summer!

I don't even know who you are!

Look, I know this all seems nuts,

but I need that machine to stay on.

If you just let me explain...

Oh! Oh, no! Brace yourselves!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aah!

T-minus 35 seconds.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, aah!

Dipper!

Mabel! Hurry! Shut it down!

No!

Mabel, Mabel, wait!

Stop! Uhh!

Soos, what are you doing? I gave you an order!

Sorry, Mr. Pines, if that is your real name,

but I have a new mission now, protecting these kids!

Soos, you idiot, let me go!

- Let me go! - C'mon!

Mabel, press the red button!

- Shut it down! - No, you can't! You gotta trust me!

Grunkle Stan,I don't even know if you're my Grunkle!

I wanna believe you, but...

Then listen to me. Remember this morning,

when I said I wanted to tell you guys something?

T-minus 20 seconds.

I wanted to saythat you're gonna hear some bad things about me,

and some of 'em are true, but trust me, everything I've worked for,

everything I care about, it's all for this family.

Mabel, what if he's lying?

This thing coulddestroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Look into my eyes, Mabel!

You really think I'm a bad guy?

He's lying! Shut it down, now!

Mabel, please!

Ten, nine...

Grunkle Stan...

Six, five...

I trust you.

Mabel, are you crazy?! We're all gonna...

One.

No!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

W-what? Who is that?

The author of the journals.

My brother!

Is this the part where one of us faints?

Oh, I am so on it, dude.