Original subtitles

SASAPPIS: At this moment, I must ask

if anyone here has any objections to this marriage.

Oi.

I do.

Is that...

The stripper from my bachelor party.

Yes, I believe so.

Yes, Chris, the stripper from Isaac's bachelor party,

you have a reason these two should not wed?

I've got eight reasons.

Here they are, mate.

♪ You make me feel... ♪

- Is very good argument. - I'll say.

Great barrier reef!

[clicks tongue]

[clicks tongue softly]

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

NIGEL: Isaac. Isaac.

- Isaac! - What? What? Oh!

You were moaning in your sleep.

Oh. I-I was, uh... I was having a nightmare.

I was... being mauled by a koala.

How horrid.

I had a nightmare there were no biscuits

for my cream tea. Oh!

Well, no matter. Happy wedding day, my love.

Oh, our wedding day. [chuckling]: Of course.

Huzzah!

♪ ♪

ALBERTA: And immediately following

all the boring stuff--The wedding ceremony.

I'm gonna be singing the song "At Last."

It was popularized by Etta James,

who was after my time,

but a lot of people are saying I sing it better than her.

Who saying... A lot of people.

So, I hear you guys - are a throuple now. - FLOWER: Some folks think

throuples are more complicated,

but in my experience,

they're just more of a good thing.

So, where do you guys want to sit for the wedding?

- Thor like it up front. - I prefer the back.

I like standing.

Yeah, I don't foresee any problems

with this situation at all.

Hey, babe, where do you want these flowers?

Oh, Hetty, where do we want these flowers?

Oh, in the living room, please.

Uh, in the living room, Jay.

Got it.

Actually... Actually...

HETTY: ...by the front desk

might balance things out nicely.

Actually, Hetty wants them over here now.

I don't like this system.

She's the wedding planner, Jay.

TREVOR: Would love to lend a hand

but, you know, ghost.

And where are we with the music person?

- The... jockey of the disc. - Oh, Jay

booked a DJ online. He'll be here soon

- to set up his equipment. - Oh!

JAY: Again, it just feels

like a big waste of money.

How come I can't play music through my phone?

Because it's my wedding and my fiancé is rich.

Groomzilla.[short chuckle]

- What are you doing up here? - Oh, just thinking.

I feel like I need to speak to someone

regarding matters of the heart.

Of-of course. I'm here for you.

[chuckling]

Oh. Oh. Oh, you? Yes.

Yes, I suppose - that could work as well. - Hey, man,

I had a girlfriend. Why doesn't anyone ever remember that?

We remember. we also remember

that she left you to smell roast beef.

What do you want, Isaac?

Well... [sighs]

I had a dream last night.

Another in a recurring series of such dreams.

About Chris...

The Australian stripper from your bachelor party?

I am to wed Nigel today

and I wake up thinking of another?

What is wrong with me?

Listen, it doesn't mean anything.

You're just having cold feet.

You and Nigel are amazing together.

Okay? You're gonna be very happy.

So just put Chris out of your head and enjoy today.

- It's your wedding. - You're right.

You're right.

I just won't give him another thought.

Thank you, Sasappis, you've been very helpful.

Which is remarkable,

considering your almost total lack of experience

in these matters.

Hey, I had sex 43 times when I was alive.

Mm-hmm. And that is a very normal thing to say.

Man, this place is paradise.

And to be here with my family--

I mean, that feels better than when I got the Tomlinsons

upgraded to the presidential suite at Sandals Jamaica.

Sorry, Reagan, the room's booked!

Ah, I know you can't hear me, but it still feels rude.

Holy smoked salmon,

she looks just like Loni Anderson.

That's quite the compliment, stranger.

Cream cheese and capers! You're dead?

Sad but true.

Some jerk dropped his cellphone off his ninth floor balcony.

Keep in mind, this was in '82,

so it weighed about 15 pounds.

[chuckles]

Let me guess. Heart attack?

[laughs] That's good.[laughs]

Why haven't I seen you around here?

Well, I recently learned that I'm not geographically-bound,

so I'm on vacation with my living family,

unbeknownst to them.

Oh. So you're here with your wife?

Wha... No, no. My-my wife is dead.

I mean, I know I'm also dead,

but-but... My wife is terrible.

I'm single.

Well...

Hello, single.

I'm Donna.

[chuckles]

FLOWER: Man, everything looks so pretty.

You know who would love this?

My friend who would visit me in the well.

[quietly]: What is she talking about?

Little secret to dating Flower--

sometimes is best to just smile and nod.

Okay. Loving these insider tips, big guy.

She was always talking about butter churning

and her husband Josiah

and her insatiable thirst for revenge.

- Ah, yes. - Sure.

Oh, hey, Nigel.

Really excited - for you today. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, not to drag you into our throuple politics,

but we're having a little disagreement

about where to sit or stand at your wedding.

You care to weigh in?

Well, ha, this is rather awkward,

but Isaac and I have made the difficult decision

to not invite any basement ghosts.

Hey, that's not fair.

What about Carol?

Isn't she living in the basement now?

You invited her.

I actually left the basement

and moved into the shed with Baxter here.

We're very much in love.

Doesn't he sound like James Bond?

Thank you, Sasappis.

I haven't thought about Chris once in the past hour.

I mean, other than in this moment.

but that was only because I was telling you

how I hadn't thought of him, which made me to think of him.

Great, man. Glad I could help.

Such sage wisdom, such an unlikely source.

You know, it wasn't just the roast beef girl.

I also sort of had a thing with Shiki.

Right, right, the 13 hellos.

Now bravely categorized as "a thing."

You are really hard to help, man.

JAY: Hey, babe, the DJ's here.

Where do you want him to set up?

Getting sweaty carrying all this equipment.

[gasps] Oh, my God. That's him.

That's Chris the stripper.

Are you sure that's him?

Oh, yeah.

That's definitely him.

So, Jay, Chris actually was the dancer that I hired

to dance in front of an empty chair

for some reason.

[chuckles] That's my wife. Anyway, Chris.

Let's check out - that playlist. - Oh, yeah.

The literal man of my dreams, a sculpted dinosaur aficionado

shows up the day of my wedding.

That's not what I'd call a great sign.

This is just a weird coincidence

fueled by the fact that

small town freelance strippers have to

work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

I'm sure once you learn a little more

about this fellow, your crush will disappear.

Like how my crush on Fats McGinty disappeared

after I found out about him tommy-gunning

all those people to death.

I also didn't like how he was rude to waitstaff.

Samantha, ask him why he was over an hour late.

That doesn't speak well of his character.

Give Isaac here something bad to latch onto.

So, uh, Chris, was there, like, a lot of traffic or something?

Oh, yeah, sorry I was late.

My boyfriend had a car trouble,

had to go help him change a tire.

He's gay and chivalrous.

He's not getting worse, Hetty.

Oh, my God!

[gags]

Ugh. Jay!

JAY:Really?

You sure it wasn't you, babe?

Nope. [chuckles nervously]

Sorry about the smell. Jay's lactose intolerant.

Not a bother, mate.

I was actually born without a sense of smell.

Oh, come on.

- It is getting eerie. - ALBERTA: What does it matter?

This guy's alive. You dead. Who cares?

It's just...

I didn't know someone like this existed.

CHRIS:Ooh-ee!

This is a great old-timey mansion you've got.

Did you know there were

some Revolutionary War battles around here?

I'm a bit of a buff. You guys seen Hamilton?

TREVOR: Here we go. He's Ham-head.

If this doesn't turn you off, I don't know what will.

Yeah, it's incredible.

If you like that sort of thing.

Personally, I consider him a lesser Founding Father.

- What? - I mean, Federal Reserve?

Big whoop.

Like they weren't gonna come up with that anyway.

[chuckling] Eh, guy was a joke.

I need air!

[sighs]

That was amazing.

I do love a man in uniform.

Hey, speaking of very specific fantasies,

you wouldn't be interested

in a little river rafting role play, would you?

I don't know, Pete.

I bet the rapids are rough and scary,

so you'd have to hold me close.

[chuckles]

Kiss me, Pete Martino.

I love following orders.[giggles]

- Ah! - What? What?

My hand! It's gone!

Oh, no! Did a piranha get it?

No, no, no, this isn't the rafting fantasy!

[both screaming]

CHRIS: Hey, mate.

How many people are we expecting today?

Uh... [chuckles] Full disclosure:

it's just gonna be Sam and I,

but we still want you to DJ as if it's a packed room.

Okay.

- You don't find that weird? - Last time I was here,

your wife had me dance for an empty chair, so...

it's not for me to question your kink.

Thank you.[clicks tongue] Just gonna run

a quick soundcheck. Might get a little loud.

[upbeat music playing]

This is music?

How is anyone gonna dance a quadrille to this?

They're really rubbing our noses in this wedding.

Ghosts can't even eat.

There's literally no added cost, no downside.

It's just personal.

Thanks for hanging out with me down here.

- I really appreciate it. - Hey,

if one of the throuple isn't allowed at the wedding,

then none of the throuple is going.

Solidarity.

Although wedding is not for another hour or so.

Still enough time for one of us to be up there

fighting to overturn this unjust policy.

Right. I guess that makes sense.

You know, it-it might be even more effective

if two of us were up there,

lobbying for the cause.

Civil action is helped by numbers.

So, you're both going up to the wedding

and leaving me here?

We will avenge you.

Peace.

Oh, unbelievable.

CATHERINE: Uh, guys.

Some lady just came through the wall.

Who the hell are you?

So, you're telling me your starting to rethink

your relationship with Nigel

just because Chris has perfect abs,

loves dinosaurs, hates Hamilton

and has no sense of smell?

Are you trying to sell him on this guy?

Am I talking myself into this marriage

just because I want to be with someone?

I made a mistake once before with Beatrice,

I don't want to make another one.

Far be it from me to be the guy pushing marriage,

but you may not want to dump your fiancé

for someone on a different plane of existence.

Oh! Sam, you got to come downstairs right now

It's the stripper. He's dying.

- What happened? - I don't know.

I came in here and found him like this.

Does... this have...

crab in it?

Well, actually, it's crab stock.

I find that a splash of it really deepens

the umami of the guacamole.

- Nice touch. - We don't need a cooking lesson right now, Jay.

I'm allergic to...

[gasps]

- Oh, my God! - Someone call an ambulance!

- This man could die! - Really? You think so?

I mean, really, you think so?

Because that would be sad.

Pete, you have to calm down.

We don't even know what's happening.

Do you think I'll reappear if I go back home?

Uh, m-maybe it's like that photo in Back to the Future.

I don't know, Pete. I-I've never

seen a ghost vanish into oblivion before.

Oh, my God! Is that what you think is happening?!

That I'm just gonna keep disappearing

until I'm... gone?

Okay, Pete.

What did you tell me about the last couple days?

That they've been the best

of my entire existence.

And what did you say you'd be doing

if you were back home?

Well, around this time, I'm usually

waiting for Sam to bring in the mail.

Oh, God, that's sad.

Pete, we're ghosts.

We make the best of our situation.

But deep down,

we're all just waiting for the opportunity to move on.

Yeah, you could go home now.

Maybe that stops whatever is happening.

But... look around.

If it did end here, now,

would that really be the worst thing?

ALBERTA: Any updates?

NIGEL: Well, the physicians

have arrived, and it appears

things are touch and go.

To help him breathe,

they had to cut the poor chap's shirt right open.

Well, maybe I should go down

and see if there's anything I can do.

I'll go with you.

- My dear Isaac. - Hmm?

You look shaken.

Let me put your mind at ease.

We are getting married today, no matter what.

Oh. Good.

Chris is gone.

Really? Did he go right up

or did he remain a ghost? Just curious. No reason.

What Thor meant is that they

take Chris to hospital.

They think he'll be okay.

Oh, that's... wonderful.

I'm sorry, were you disappointed

that the stripper didn't perish and become a ghost?

[laughing]: What? No.

Of course not.

I see.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I just realized it's bad luck

to see each other before the wedding.

Now, Nigel, don't run away.

This isn't the War of Independence.

[chuckles]

Just-just starting with a joke.

Miscalculation. Like when you tried to take Lexington.

[laughs] I should stop talking.

One last chance to tell the truth.

Were you hoping that that stripper

would become a ghost and live here for eternity?

No. Yes. I-I mean,

my temporary lustfulness

was merely a symptom of classic cold feet,

and if I am being honest, in the run-up to our nuptials,

I may have been overthinking

some of the imperfections in our relationship.

Imperfections?

Minor imperfections.

Like how I revere dinosaurs and you prefer ants

or I like carrot cake and you slept with Jenkins.

We were on a respite!

Yes. What I'm saying is

these are all trifles.

Our relationship is steady.

Sturdy, like a trail ox.

You compare our relationship to a trail ox?

Favorably so.

My neighbor sold his daughter for a trail ox,

and Old Dusty plowed his farm for 20 years

while Abigail grew up to be a trollop and a drunk,

so that was a pretty good trade.

There is something to be said for steadfastness.

I want to be with you.

Please, don't let a hiccup

ruin a marriage made for eternity.

Oh, Isaac, I can't stay mad at you.

Let us yoke ourselves together

and plow the fields of matrimony.

Huzzah!

See? We have been tested

and yet we emerge victorious.

Like the Americans at Lexington.

[laughs]

I-I don't know why I'm like this.

- I am so sorry. To the altar. - Very...

SASAPPIS: Isaac Higgintoot,

do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband,

for better or for worse,

in sickness and in health...

You know, a lot of this doesn't really apply.

SASAPPIS: ...to have and to hold,

from this day forward?

PETE: Please, please, please,

please, please, please!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh! I'm back!

Completely back. Good to see you, buddy.

- Pete's here. - Hey, man.

- Pete, what happened? - Wow, right in the middle

of the wedding. I'm so sorry, you guys.

I-I just... I didn't mean to interrupt the proceedings.

I'll just quietly find my seat.

Pete, why was half of you missing just now?

It's fine, Peter. Explain.

Well, apparently, if I'm away from Woodstone too long,

I start to disappear.

It actually led to

quite an existential crisis.

Faced with the possibility of fading into oblivion,

I realized how much I'd miss you guys,

and I had to head home.

- Of course, now I miss Donna. - Who's Donna?

She was my Caribbean lover who was

the spitting image of Loni Anderson. [chuckles]

Every moment with her

felt like fireworks--

the legally permissible kind

that are ignited by trained professionals.

He may be a nerd,

but man, could he bring it in the sack.

It's just crazy. One day, you're sitting here

thinking your afterlife will never change

and then, boom,

someone comes along who upends everything.

You know when you're with someone

and you feel like your feet

aren't touching the ground?

That's what it was like with Donna.

Anywho, let's get you two kids married, huh?

[chuckles]

SASAPPIS: Yes, okay.

Where were we?

Isaac, do you take Nigel to be your husband?

I don't.

Oh, my God!

The Knicks game just went into overtime.

Is this wedding over yet?

One sec, Jay.

You... don't?

I can't.

I-I-I really wanted this to work,

but hearing Pete talk, I'm realizing

I think there might be something missing here.

And you couldn't have told me this an hour ago?

Well, again, the Pete thing.

I'm so sorry, Nigel.

♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along. ♪

ISAAC: Well, I just spoke with Nigel.

How'd it go, bud?

It was a difficult conversation.

I was called a Yankee more than once.

But in the end, he was kind and understanding,

so now that makes me feel even worse.

Isaac, sometimes people

come along that serve a purpose.

And it doesn't mean

you have to be with them forever.

They just help you grow.

That was deeply profound, girl.

- What did I say? - SAMANTHA: Flower's right.

It's hard to hurt someone you care about.

But the truth is,

you just weren't ready today, and that's okay.

You've been around for 300 years,

but you've only really known who you are for a short time.

Thank you, guys.

And who knows what the future holds.

I mean, Pete had a fling with a woman

that looked like Loni Anderson

and I schtupped a poltergeist.

Kvelling over that proper usage.

And I famously dated a car ghost.

Until she left you to smell roast beef.

Again, just trying to help you, man.

ALBERTA: The point is

maybe death has some surprises for you yet.

THORFINN: What you did today,

truly brave.

You inspire Thor to do something

that, up until now,

Thor afraid to do.

Flower?

Yes, Thor?

I do not want to be in throuple

because I only want to be with you.

And the reason is...

I love you.

[gasps] Thor just told Flower he loves her.

Wow, we got big, big stuff going down.

That scares me.

But what scares me more is...

...I love you, too.[chuckles]

And she said it back.

Oh, ho! You know, it'd be a shame

for all those beautiful wedding decorations

to go to waste.

THORFINN: No.

We would not do that to Isaac on this day.

Yeah, I guess that would be kind of monstrous.

CAROL: Everybody,

Baxter and I have an announcement.

We're getting married.

[laughs] What?

Okay, looks like somebody

actually is getting married today.

Carol and Baxter.

Yeah, buddy. Good luck with that.

What? Who's Baxter?

He's very peripheral. It doesn't matter.

Dinner will be ready in a minute, babe.

God, I really missed Jay's cooking down in the well.

Oh, I bet.

We're so happy to have you back.

You must have been lonely.

For the most part. Other than the worms.

And my friend that visited me in the well,

attracted by the sounds of my screams.

What? Who was that?

Her name is Patience.

She's a lady that lives in the ground.

What? Patience?

That's that Puritan lady

Isaac lost to the dirt when he sneezed

and let go of her hand.

Oh, she remembers that.

It's kind of all she talks about.

She's sort of obsessed with Isaac.

I was told you wanted to see me?

Yeah, come in, come in.

We heard you didn't get married,

but we got you a little wedding gift

and we'd still like to give it to you.

Oh. [chuckles] That is most kind.

You really should have invited us to the wedding, Isaac.

He's here, Patience.

- PATIENCE: God bless you. - Oh!

Uh, did you guys know she was gonna do that?

No.

I kinda just thought

she was gonna come out

and yell at him or something.

It's probably best we don't tell anybody about this.

It's not a great look for us.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org