Original subtitles

Hey, babe? The Millers left this in their room.

It's a bag of stuff from the Natural History Museum.

Aww. [laughs]

It's a little T-Rex and a pop-up book about dinosaurs.

I'll mail it to them.

My, how far we've fallen that museums

have stooped to trafficking in fantastical creations.

Wait. Isaac, do you not know that dinosaurs were real?

- What? - ISAAC: Samantha,

much like that green cardigan you wore last Monday,

japery doesn't look good on you.

JAY: Interesting.

Dinosaurs weren't discovered until the 1800s.

So, the Founding Fathers

wouldn't have even known about them.

You mean to tell me that ferocious creatures

the size of houses once roamed this earth?

Did you know about this?[door opens]

[door closes] Yes, but only because I pay attention.

Oh. Hi.

JAY: Hello! [chuckles]

Welcome to Woodstone Mansion.

Holy crap.

Uh, I have a reservation under Jeremy Lefkowitz.

My baby bro.

Oh, God, there's another.

- Jeremy Lefkowitz. - Wait, you're Trevor's brother.

W-We held his memorial here last year.

Yeah, I wanted to come, but...

I just think I wasn't ready to really accept the fact

that Trevor was really gone.

It was just too painful.

It's okay, buddy.

Aww, he's still sad you're dead. That's nice.

Who cares? Monsters are real?

JEREMY:You know, I always held out hope

that maybe he just made a boatload

and took some hottie to the Maldives

and set up some sort of tax dodge.

That's a nice thought.

But I wouldn't bring a babe, then you're stuck with her.

Tell him that, Sam.

Tell him you don't bring sand to the beach.

Hey, Jeremy, can I interest you

in signing up for our Woodstone Rewards program?

Oh, I'm actually already a member.

Are you sure? Because it's free to join and...

Oh. Wait a minute. I don't have to do that.

Okay, let me show you - to your room. - Great. Thank you.

What about unicorns?

Very real.

I knew it.

♪ ♪

There you are, Pete.

Want to take a stroll around the grounds,

put those young calves to work?

You know what? I-I'm good.

The calves and I are just watching a little Bake Off.

Was your skin always this taut?

Yep. P-Pretty much.

CAROL: Well, see you around.

Seems like Carol desire intercourse with Pete.

Yeah, it's nuts.

That woman has been after me like I'm a Tuesday flight

and she's a traveler on a budget.

[laughs]

Historically the cheapest day to fly.

It's because she saw you stand up for yourself.

And learned that you were loyal,

- even in death. - THORFINN: Also...

Pete does have very shapely calves.

He monster with arrow through neck,

so we often forget that.

Just tell her you're not interested, Pete.

I mean, you're not, right?

Well, it's not that simple.

I'm dealing with some powerful temptations.

I mean, Carol and I would fight like dogs all day,

but at night... we made music.

Loud music.

Pete, this woman cheated on you with your best friend.

You can't get back with her.

I know, I know, you're right.

Also, we share a room

and I cannot watch you two play hide-the-arrow, all right?

I will throw up.

If ghosts can throw up.

Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.

I mean, not the part where the idea of me

being sexually active repulsed you,

but the rest of it.

Don't worry. I'll be strong.

He's here for the weekend?

He certainly doesn't pack light.

I once saw you pack 12 steamer trunks

for a week in Newport.

One of them crushed a footman.

Oh, I was so worried about the china in that trunk.

Thankfully, the footman softened the blow.

He did not die in vain.

JAY: Hey, Jeremy.

As a valued Woodstone Rewards member,

I brought you some fresh towels.

- So, how you settling in? - JEREMY: Great.

You know, I'm glad I finally made the trip.

Oh, my parents, they raved about the memorial, by the way.

Especially my dad,

especially getting to meet Tara Reid.

JAY: Oh, yeah, I remember.

He gave her his business card.

How'd that work out for him?

I think they're actually texting now.

Lenny Lefkowitz.

For an alter kaker in wholesale lighting supplies,

the guy's got game.

Wow, well, tell your dad I said hello.

Um, actually, um...

we're not really speaking at the moment.

Uh...

He kind of fired me.

What? Dad fired you?

JEREMY: But it's for the best.

I'd been there 15 years,

we were just butting heads by the end,

so it was-- it was just time to go.

Wait, why would Dad fire J-Dog?

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, God, I wish I could just talk to him.

I'm sure Jay has some sort of meaningful follow-up.

Well, let us know if you need anything else.

- Come on. - Come on!

- TREVOR: Really? - JEREMY: Oh, you know what?

Actually, I'm gonna get some lunch.

I'll take the bone-in ribeye please and...

Oh, I'll take a-a bottle of your 2010 Château Ausone.

Wow. Okay. We'll get that right up to you.

He's unemployed, yet he's ordering

the most expensive items on the menu.

Something stinks in here.

Sort of like your steamer trunk

by the time you got back from Newport.

Mm, you really must scape the footman off immediately.

[whistling, gasps]

Carol.

What are you doing here?

You've been hiding from me.

I think you should leave.

Pete, I just found out I died.

I'm surrounded by strangers.

Could you please just sit with me?

Sure, Carol. Oi yoi yoi.

I know how hard this transition can be.

Thank you, Pete.

I feel better already.

Carol. What is your hand doing on my knee?

Oh, sorry. Old habits.

Wow.

No clicking.

Your cartilage, it's still so bountiful.

Okay, this was a mistake. I'm leaving.

I have a butterscotch candy in my purse.

Butterscotch?

That's great, Carol, but as soon as you give it to me,

it's just going to zap back into your purse.

I-I won't even be able to enjoy it.

No, actually, Sass and Hetty had this wacky idea,

that if I hold onto it, you can suck on it.

But you'll also have

to suck my fingers a little.

It's been a while since I've had a butterscotch.

[chuckles]

In fact, it's been so long since I tasted anything,

I should probably just take a look.

Have a taste.

Oh! [moaning]

You're so powerful.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

JEREMY: Wow, look at that.

Is this an old Funyo gaming console?

You play Super Mega Bowl?

I recognize almost none of those words.

It's a classic eight-bit football video game.

Yeah, I love Super Mega Bowl.

Trevor and I used to play.

[videogame music playing]

YOUNG TREVOR: Boom!

You just got sacked by T-Money.

Whatever.

I still have time to kick this field goal

and win the Lefkowitz Family Championship.

You're gonna choke, Jeremy.

Just like you choked

in the Camp Ramah gaga finals

in front of Rachel Horowitz.

["The Final Countdown" by Europe playing]

[Jeremy cries out]

Hey! No fair! You wet-willied me!

T-Money!

I beat him all the time.

- I beat him all the time. - Hey, Jeremy.

Sorry to interrupt, I'm sure it was just a mistake,

but the credit card you gave us was declined.

Break his thumbs, Sam.

Yeah, sorry, I-I should've mentioned that

I'm gonna use Woodstone Rewards points to pay for it.

Food, room,

- the whole thing. - JAY: Unfortunately,

there's no way you've earned that many points yet.

Uh-huh. Well, you know how you get a hundred points

when you sign up for the mailing list?

Yeah, I created the program.

I know how it works.

Right, well, usually there's something in the rules

limiting how many emails you can register,

but not in yours.

So, I registered 10,000 dummy email accounts

and now I got a million points!

This kid's a genius!

He's gonna do big things one day.

He's older than my father was when he died of old age.

Very shameful way to die.

Okay, so you tricked us into a free weekend.

Congratulations.

Well, it's actually gonna be, uh,

a little longer than a weekend.

See, um, I'm having a great time,

and I'm currently a little cashflow "negativo,"

so I went online, extended my reservation...

Where's this headed?

...and I'm gonna live here for the next year,

and pay for it all with the points.

Oh, God.

Yes! Lefkowitz boys ride again!

Well, I just got off the phone with the lawyer.

He says that if we don't honor the rewards points,

we're opening ourselves up to legal action.

Great. So it's settled. J-Dog stays.

So, this guy is just bleeding us dry for a year?

How are we gonna get rid of him?

A meteor got rid - of the dinosaurs. - How is that helpful?

It's not. I just thought it was neat.

Elias and I once owned a tenement building

that we thought would make a wonderful factory.

But what to do about the families who lived there

and were refusing to move out?

Well, we brought in rats and how they scurried.

The people, not the rats.

Okay, Hetty had a very disturbing story,

but I think there's an actionable takeaway.

What if we just make things so uncomfortable for Jeremy

that he wants to leave?

That's a great idea. We smoke him out.

Come on.

I've missed out on 25 years of my brother's life.

I don't even know who he's dated, where he's lived,

if he's a boob or a butt guy.

Trevor, we can't afford someone just living here

mooching and spending us into oblivion.

This is so unfair.

Question. So you were just stuck with a building full of rats?

It was a sausage factory, so the problem solved itself.

Great news, everyone.

Carol and I are back together.

And he stayed strong for almost a whole hour.

Congrats. But she break your heart before.

I-I know, but that was in the past.

Things are gonna be different this time.

There you are.

I thought we were going for a walk.

It's almost 6:00.

Well, it's 5:40, my sugarplum.

That's not almost 6:00.

Well, I'm sorry, I thought maybe we would leave early

so we could enjoy the sunset together.

PETE: Fine. Let's go on a walk now.

We'll probably be done before 6:00,

and the rest of the night will be chaos.

But whatever, let's go enjoy a beautiful sunset.

What is your problem?

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends!

Well, they seem like they're off to a good start.

"...but the Pachycephalosaurus fights back,

using its thick domed skull as a battering ram."

[chuckles]

Using its thick domed skull as a battering ram...

He wants you to make it move.

Oh, right, sorry.

Sam, I am freezing.

Well, if we are freezing, then Jeremy's freezing.

He won't be able to put up with this for very long.

First the Wi-Fi goes out,

then the hot water.

- Now the heat? - Yeah, sorry.

Probably not the kind of place

you want to stay for a whole year.

Oh, I don't mind.

I survived Fyre Fest.

Not only that, I was last one to leave the island

'cause I was loving it so much.

I don't know what he's talking about,

but I love his confidence.

Just fill his room with rats and be done with it.

Jeremy, we're a small business.

We can't afford to be providing

goods and services to a non-paying customer

with no end in sight.

Sam, can we get the pay-per-view fight?

It's only $79.99.

[sighs] JEREMY: All right, I do appreciate

that you're in a tough situation here,

which is why I'd like to tip you both

2,000 rewards points.

Okay, screw it. How about this, Jeremy?

You and me play one game of Super Mega Bowl.

That sounds like something

a brachiosaur would drink water from.

[laughs] I quip. Now, turn the page.

JAY: If I win,

you pack up and leave today.

If you win,

I'll double your rewards points.

Jay, what are you doing?

I'm getting us out of this mess.

I'm gonna run through you

like Bo Jackson ran through the Indianapolis defense.

Number one, you're on.

- Yes. - Number two,

since 2017,

I've been the world record holder at Super Mega Bowl.

I beat the computer 155 to zero.

Boom! My brother's gonna wipe your butt.

Ew. What?

You know what I mean.

Uh-oh.

Well, great work, Jay.

Now Jeremy's gonna have two million points,

and we're gonna be stuck with him for years.

I've got him - right where I want him. - What?

Playing the game he's the best in the world at?

We're gonna use the ghosts to cheat.

Hamilton cheated on his wife,

and then got extorted by his mistress.

[chuckles] Not important, but funny.

How are the ghosts gonna help?

The only one who knows anything

about Super Mega Bowl, or football

for that matter, is Trevor.

And I don't see him helping out in this scheme.

They just need to tell you what play number's being called.

It doesn't require any actual knowledge of football.

Football is a brutal sport.

Now, pedestrianism, that's where it's at.

Two combatants, walking really far,

for a really long time.

ISAAC: But what if Trevor catches us cheating?

He'll surely intervene on his brother's behalf.

We're not gonna let him see.

- Who? - Trevor.

Won't let him see what?

Jay, why don't we just do the thing

where I work it out with the ghosts

and I fill you in afterward?

- I'll go on my phone. - Great.

CAROL: Have you guys seen Pete?

- Nope. - Well, if you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.

It's foot-rub o'clock. My bunions are barking.

Okay, no problem.

Thank you for providing all that context.

Hey, Viking. [clicks tongue]

You look a little like Hulk Hogan.

He was a wrestler in the '80s.

Quite a specimen.

SASAPPIS: Poor Pete.

That lady is so mean to him.

She also look at Thor most lasciviously.

Like a hungry warrior returned from battle,

and Thor is bowl of sour rams' testicles.

Yeah, she did seem into you.

Maybe we can use this.

We know the thing Pete hates most in the world

is that Carol cheated on him.

So, what if we did a loyalty test?

It's this thing on TikTok that I've seen Jay watch.

So someone asks a friend

to hit on their boyfriend or girlfriend,

to see if they're into it.

And if they are, boom, busted.

So you're saying we see if Carol stay loyal to Pete.

Exactly.

So you hit on Carol,

and if she says she's open to it,

then we tell Pete, and he'll have no choice

but to break up with her.

Thor accept mission.

Pete's wife, prepare to be tested.

Loyalty tested.

[laughs]

Uh, just to really clarify, you know that

"hitting on" has nothing to do with actual hitting.

Maybe best we go over plan in slightly more detail.

[videogame music playing]

Yes![groans]

How am I losing? This makes no sense.

Whatever.

There's still time. Let's see how you like this.

- Oh, come on! - Come on!

There's six plays. You pick mine every time.

I guess you're just really predictable.

That's impossible.

No one can guess right that many times.

That is impossible. What's going on?

What the hell? Are you cheating?

No. I swear.

I was just picking my nose.

I don't even think we have boogers.

This stops now.

Good luck cheating now, cheaters.

JEREMY: Hey. JAY: Hmm?

You gonna pick a play?

Yes, I am. I'm just... thinking.

Trevor, you stop this at once.

You can't make me.

But I can.

Pachycephalosaurus charge!

He moved?

[Isaac yells] Oh.

Sorry.

It's just me now.

- What? - Nothing.

Let's dance.

SASAPPIS Hey, buddy.

We wanted to tell you something, and it may be hard to hear,

but you're our friend,

and we wanted to make sure you weren't gonna make

the same mistake in your afterlife

as you did in your life-life.

So we set up loyalty test,

to see if Carol really changed,

but, unfortunately... she not changed.

I-I don't understand.

What are you guys trying to say?

So Thor made a pass at her,

hoping that she would tell him to get lost,

but instead, she threw herself at him.

- Right, Thor? - Yes.

Carol very into Thor.

ALBERTA: I'm sorry.

But it's good to know this, right, Pete?

Well, I mean, that doesn't prove anything.

She was probably just being polite.

If anything, it was just a little harmless flirting.

No, it was much more than flirting.

Thor and Carol have sex.

- Wait, what? - Oh, God!

What did you do with my wife?

You want Thor to be specific?

Okay, well, first, we start off

with backwards ram, then...

Pete, I did not know that he slept with her, okay?

He was just supposed to see if she would cheat.

Which is exactly what I do.

Why is everyone so angry?

Because you slept with my wife!

I did this for you.

For friendship.

You think it was fun for Thor?

I guess it was,

but there's nothing wrong with enjoying your job.

This is not what you're supposed to do... What is the matter with you?

And what is wrong with you, too? You're the one

that roped him into this?

- For you! - What's all the hubbub about?

You had sex with Thor?

You told him?

That's it, Carol. We are through.

You can rub your own damn feet from now on.

And you!

You're a terrible friend.

Okay. Calm down, little buddy.

I'm not your little buddy!

[Alberta gasps]

And don't you forget it.

Yeah! That's how you do it.[grunts]

Oh, my God, this is tense.

Jay is up two points with one minute to go.

Is this more exciting than watching walking?

It is debatable.

You know, I got to say, you gave me

a pretty good scare there, Jay.

- It's not over. - JEREMY: Isn't it?

All I got to do is get in field goal position,

where I am automatic.

My little brother's about to wipe your butt.

That's right, I'm sticking with it.

I'm making it a thing.

You know, there was a minute there

where I thought I was actually gonna have

to take over my dad's company,

but now I can just - keep living here. - Wait, what?

Sam, what's he talking about?

I thought you said - you were fired? - JEREMY: Yeah.

For refusing to take over his company.

I think Lenny was just trying to motivate me

- or something. - I don't understand.

Why wouldn't you want to take over the company?

You don't love - the lighting business? - JEREMY: Oh, no.

I freaking love lights.

When you find that perfect grouping

and fill a room with that magical glow,

it's a godlike feeling.

So, then what's the problem?

Because my dad's just doing it to be nice.

I'm not cut out to run anything.

Trevor was the one with the head for business.

I'd probably just screw it up.

No, you wouldn't. You're a smart kid.

You learned your haftarah in, like, a week.

That was an exterior wall.

I fell two stories.

I mean, I know we can't get hurt,

but why didn't anyone come looking for me?

[pants] What'd I miss?

All right, ten seconds to go.

Time to kick this field goal and end it.

No.

It's time for you to grow up, little brother.

["The Final Countdown" by Europe playing]

[distorted grunting]

JEREMY: No!

- I won! - Huzzah![cheering]

Huzzah!

What the hell just happened?

Your big brother just shoved you out of the nest.

T-Money.

Nice work, Trevor.

Is what I would say if Jay's name were Trevor,

which is a name that we've discussed a lot this weekend,

hence the mix-up.

Stop talking.

- Hold up, Pete punched Thor? - That's right.

And there's a lot more where that came from--Peter.

[screams] Yes?

We must speak.

I think we're about to see some innards.

- Do we have innards? - Shh.

That punch pretty painful.

Uh-huh.

But Thor respect that you finally solve problem

through physical violence.

Thor...

apologize.

Apology accepted.

And I guess, in some kind of messed up way,

you did save me from continuing to make

a huge mistake.

Let us never speak of this further.

Thor is hero. You're welcome.

Time to say goodbye to the J-Dog, Sam.

TREVOR:I'm gonna miss you, little brother.

Now, you go out there, and you make our dad proud.

Good luck on the new endeavor, Jeremy.

Yeah, we'll see, uh...

I just hope I have what it takes.

Sam, you tell him any time he's doubting himself,

remember, he's the one who found the loophole

in the Woodstone Rewards program.

Bro, you're the one who found the loophole

in the Woodstone Rewards program.

Yes. And that took no small amount of genius.

Well, it was a pretty glaring error. [chuckles]

And yet, no one else found it.

I get the sense not a lot of people are looking for it.

You know, I mean, I didn't see another guest

the whole time I was here.

And, you know,

how much traffic does your website get?

Thanks for coming, Jeremy.

All right.

Gonna miss you, buddy.[door opens]

And with that, he's gone.[door closes]

Just like those terrible lizards they called dinosaurs.

[all groaning]

What? They were big.

It's interesting.

[sighs]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org