Original subtitles

I can't believe this.

Yeah, it's a weird thing to see.

Just be glad they put your body in bag.

That not happen to Thor.

Slowly watched my own body decompose over many years.

You've said all this before.

Not to her! She new here.

Is very good story. MARVIN: That should do it.

Just need you to sign here and initial here.

It's just so sad.

We knew the family.

Yeah, it's rough.

And just to reiterate,

we did not provide the donut holes.

The deceased brought them to the party.

Not to victim blame.

Mm. Kind of sounds like you are.

Peter, how are you managing this turn of events?

Well, I'll admit, I was pretty steamed

when I realized I was gonna have to

spend eternity with Carol.

Because of the fact that she cuckolded you

with your best friend Jerry.

Right, but...

I've been thinking about it,

and it's not healthy to dwell in the past.

You know what, I'm sorry, I believe

it was actually Jerry that cuckolded you.

Carol just cheated.

Even in these difficult times, we must be precise.

Yes, thank you for that attention to detail,

but the larger point I'm making is that I'm fine.

So you're not gonna confront her about it?

PETE: Well, I don't think she realizes that I know.

And if that's the case,

why make her transition to the afterlife any harder?

She's got a lot on her plate.

One less donut hole than before.

(both laugh)

I should not be laughing at that. No. No.

I mean, I'm filled with anger toward her,

but I-I'm trying to swallow it.

Hopefully better than she swallowed that tiny confection.

(both laughing)

Hetty, you're bad. I am bad.

♪ ♪

So, uh, we have some bad news.

Yeah, I heard about the dead lady. (chuckles)

A lot of people did, including our main investor,

who feels like,

in combination with the finance bro

we fished out of the lake last year...

Epic.

...it's just too many dead bodies

for her taste, and she's pulling her funding.

Oh, man, this is not good.

Mark getting bad news. The tables have turned.

We'll get another investor, we'll figure it out.

Hamilton would say you could just

print the money, and then he'd probably

go whoring, which he did.

That's great, but we need money now.

If we shut down, we're gonna lose our crew,

and who knows when we'll get them back.

Wait, what are you saying?

I'm saying,

if we don't come up with, like, ten grand

to cover us over the next couple weeks,

you can forget about the restaurant.

And now we're back to Mark delivering bad news.

All's right in the world again.

Hey, you know who's literally got exactly $10,000?

Isaac,

from his biography you sold. SAMANTHA: Right.

Sass is pointing out that

we gave Isaac that money for the book advance.

Speaking of which, have you looked at the draft

I gave you to read yet? Uh...

Jay, it's been on your nightstand for the last week.

I've been really busy with the restaurant.

He was on TikTok for, like, an hour,

watching people unclog drains.

It is oddly satisfying. So good.

I promise I will soon, babe.

Now, in the meantime,

let's go get that Founding Farter

and save our restaurant.

Sounds like we have our book title.

Not a good start, Jay,

but I am intrigued.

I once turned down the opportunity

to be part owner in a tavern,

and I always regretted it.

Oh! Isaac's interested, Jay.

ISAAC: They were known

for their horse pie.

They put cinnamon in it.

The name of the horse was Cinnamon.

TREVOR: T-Money time out.

As your financial advisor, I need to advise you against this.

The restaurant business is very risky.

Well, we'll pay you right back.

We just need to get through the next couple weeks.

JAY: What's happening?

Is the ghost that we gave the money to

not gonna give it back to us?

No, he will, Jay.

Not if he listens to the Wharton grad

he looks to to make these decisions.

Oh, did you go to Wharton? Haven't heard you mention that.

Samantha, I would love to help you out,

but I'm sorry, I must heed Trevor's financial advice.

It's not that I don't believe in you,

it's just... No, it's that.

In his defense, you two aren't great at business.

I mean, you gave $10,000

to a ghost. Exactly.

PETE: So, you see, Carol,

aside from not being able to touch things

or leave the property, we actually lead

a pretty normal existence here.

And, yes, ghosts can have sex.

What?

She was gonna get there eventually,

I thought I'd cut to the chase.

The ghosts date each other?

There is some of that going on, yes.

Isaac and Nigel are engaged.

I was consorting with Trevor

and a washing machine.

And Thor was with Flower.

She get sucked off.

Well... (scoffs) good for her, I guess.

Yes, good for Flower, but very painful for Thor.

Jerry always used a pillow.

Anyway, what about you, Pete?

Are you dating anyone?

(stammering): Oh, uh, me?

I know this could be a little awkward to talk about,

but it's been 40 years.

It's okay if you've moved on.

In fact, it would be weird if you hadn't.

Yeah. Very weird.

(laughs loudly)

(whispers): This is painful to watch. Yeah.

What do we think Carol has in that big purse of hers?

If there's a God, cocaine.

SASAPPIS: Do people keep pizza in their purses?

We'll find out when we look for the cocaine.

So... you seeing anyone currently?

You bet I am. Yeah, big-time.

Oh. What's her name?

Name? Uh, well, you know, let me,

let me check with her first.

Uh, just of respect, you know.

I-I can't wait to tell you about it,

'cause she is real...

really...

Carol, I don't believe you have seen the mansion yet,

and I would love to give you a tour.

Yes, and we can learn more about your purse in the process.

Person. I said "person."

Thank you. HETTY: So tell us about your interests.

Greasy foods? Stimulants?

Good grits!

I'm really up a creek this time.

Will one of you pretend to be my girlfriend?

(groans) Are we really singing this song again?

Why is that always your first move?

I just don't want Carol knowing I spent the first 40 years

of my afterlife being loyal to her,

when she wasn't even loyal to me while we were married.

It's humiliating.

You should've just bit the bullet

and told her the truth.

There's plenty of time

for Monday-morning quarterbacking, Nancy.

We are where we are.

Now, will you be my fake girlfriend or not?

No, I'm not doing it. I've served my time.

Alberta? Please?

I-I don't think that's a good idea, Pete.

You know, there's history.

Like when Pete try to kiss you and you facepalm him.

I think we all knew what she was referring to.

Just very funny to talk about.

SAMANTHA: Are we really taking Isaac's money?

This feels wrong.

No, babe, what was wrong was

us giving an invisible person $10,000 in the first place.

Samantha, I've been thinking about it,

and to hell with Trevor.

It's my money and I want to help you guys out.

Besides, we're only borrowing Isaac's money.

Wait.

Are you stealing my money?

Nope, no. We're not stealing.

That's it, you say it out loud

and it feels true, right?

Jay, Isaac's in here.

God, I wish we could put a bell on them.

I'm confused. You want to see what's in my purse?

Carol, you died with your purse,

which means everything in it is stuff we can touch.

Let's see. Receipts. Tissues. Some candy.

My keys. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What type of candy? Nose candy?

Butterscotch. Here, try it.

Oh. What the heck?

Once you let go of an item, it zaps back to you.

It's ghost rules.

So you can only touch it if I'm also touching it?

That is correct.

There you guys are.

We were thinking about going for a walk.

Oh, you should come, Carol.

Sure. I'll come.

Will your girlfriend be joining us, Pete?

Um, my-my girlfriend?

Uh...

N-No, she's, uh, she's not here right now.

CAROL: But I thought

we couldn't leave the property. PETE: Right.

But, uh, you know, the thing with my girlfriend is, um...

Uh, h-how do I put this? ALBERTA: Pete.

It's fine.

You can tell her about us.

I-I can?

(gasps) You're dating Alberta.

I asked Pete not to say anything.

We just wanted to make sure you were okay

to adjust to the afterlife,

before we rubbed our relationship in your face.

(chuckles) Ooh...

Every time she touches me, it's like the first time.

Happy for you two.

So, if we could just circle back to the candy.

If you were to hold it,

then we could suck on it that way.

With her fingers in our mouth and the candy in her fingers.

Sasappis! That's just genius enough to work.

I think I'm gonna go get some air.

Between your toes is also a possibility.

We're willing to work with you! Carol!

Carol!

Oh, my God, Alberta. I can't thank you enough.

I'm happy to help you out.

But just remember, this is not one of

your '80s romantic comedies where we pretend to date

and fall in love for real.

Of course. I-I wasn't even thinking that.

(scoffs) Yeah.

He was definitely thinking it. (sighs)

I mean, you did say some nice things about me

that seemed to come from a genuine place.

Pete. Yeah, yeah, no, no. Just friends. Got it.

SAMANTHA: Isaac.

I'm sorry.

The restaurant means so much to Jay.

We just didn't know what else to do.

Samantha... JAY: The money's gone, Sam.

Sergeant Fartypants' account is totally cleared out.

Wh-What do you mean gone?

Also, Isaac is in here, you should know.

And I was a captain. It's Captain Fartypants.

Which he would know if he had read my book.

How does $10,000 just disappear?

Relax.

I moved the money into a brokerage account. SAMANTHA: What?

Trevor said he moved it into a brokerage account.

You think I'm gonna sit back and let my boy collect

two percent like a chump?

I know better than that. I went to Wharton.

We know, Trev!

So, where is the money now?

It's safe and sound. I'll show you guys.

I just need a minute to log in.

And some privacy.

Trevor wants us to stand over there.

He doesn't want us to see his password.

(exclaims) Sure.

(clears throat)

(inhales deeply)

(straining)

Done. ISAAC: Wait, that can't be right.

Does that say $200,000?

(chuckling): I'm rich.

I could buy Delaware twice over.

I wouldn't want to, but I could.

Trevor, this is amazing!

Just a little taste of what I was like when I was alive.

Was it natural talent,

or skill

that I developed at the country's most elite...

Babe, it's nosediving.

Lower than zero? How can it go lower than zero?

Well, technically, when you short an option,

there's no limit to how much you can lose.

Wait. W-Wait, wait, wait, wait. So now I owe them $48,000?

No, you're fine.

Jay owes them $48,000.

It's going back up. What is this stock?

"Norwegian Cattle Futures"?

Sell! Sell! Sell! Sam, just press

that little red button there that says "sell."

JAY: "You have successfully

executed a trade."

$187,000!

Oh...!

Babe, this changes everything.

We could pay for the whole restaurant now.

The good chairs, the custom oven.

No cutting corners. This is the dream!

ISAAC: Need I remind you, Samantha,

that that money belongs to moi.

I'm gonna get the tufted cushions for the booths.

I thought you said you had reconsidered,

and you were gonna give us the money.

What's happening?

I do recall saying that,

but then I remember walking in

and finding you committing a robbery. Isaac!

Don't you "Isaac" me. You will get nothing.

Your cushions will have no tufts.

No tufts!

We're back to not getting the money again,

aren't we? Mm-hmm.

TREVOR: He picks up on a lot of stuff

from context.

It's impressive.

So, how did this thing start?

I want the whole story.

Oh. (chuckles): Well,

I guess it started a few...

weeks ago. Years. Ago.

What? Uh...

212 weeks, which adds up to years.

(laughs): So... it tracks.

Ooh, speaking of time, if it's 3:30,

that means Jay's peeling a Cutie downstairs

and I never miss that.

Excuse me.

Bye, babe.

(sighs quietly)

Alberta seems great.

I'm a lucky guy.

There he is.

My sexy...

little scoutmaster.

(chuckles)

Now come on and give mama some sugar.

(whispers): I felt bad, so I'm here now.

You're welcome.

I'm just, I... I am really confused.

What about Alberta?

Alberta?

Yeah, yes,

because I've been dating Alberta for a while,

as you know, Nancy.

Right. Right.

Well, I guess now you know...

I'm Pete's mistress.

I see. (chuckles nervously) Y-Yes.

That's right. I've been...

dating Alberta for quite some time, but, um...

I'm also stepping out on her

with this lovely lady. Yeah.

I have to say, I am shocked.

I just never thought of you as the cheating type.

Well, I am, apparently. (chuckles) You know?

It's a lot to keep straight,

but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Well, when your heart wants what's under this sack,

you know where to find me.

Bye, babe.

(whispers): I call her that, too.

You know, I might be able to help you out there.

I know a thing or two about affairs.

Oh, do you? Well, that's news to me.

Well, I don't know from experience, obviously.

But I watch a lot of soap operas.

Right, you know about cheating from your soaps.

So I can coach you.

Well, that's just about the best thing I've ever heard.

You teaching me about infidelity.

Don't worry.

Follow my lead, you'll never get busted.

(breathing shakily)

SAMANTHA Isaac, we have a preposition for you.

What if, instead of you just giving us the money,

we made you an actual partner in our restaurant?

I don't know, Sam. You know, Trevor was suggesting

that I invest my funds in something called a Lamborghini.

Apparently, it's some sort of cat magnet,

which I find very interesting, as a man of science.

Isaac, I-I know you're upset with us,

but you've always wanted to own a tavern,

and this way you get to have your dream and Jay gets his.

And this title of partner,

would that mean I have true input?

Yes, you would have input. Right, Jay?

Isaac would have some input.

I mean, yeah, sure,

but I don't want you to work too hard.

You got to rest in peace.

No, no, no. 'Tis no bother.

Now, obviously,

ambience is of the utmost importance.

So, for lighting, I'm thinking whale oil lamps.

Oh, h-he wants us to use whale oil lamps.

I'm definitely sure that that is super illegal. But...

maybe we can do something close to that.

Right? For our partner.

Yeah, I'm sure we can find another inefficient way

to light the restaurant that doesn't break maritime law.

Excellent. Now, on the floors, I'm thinking sawdust.

Of course we don't want to encourage the patrons

urinating on the floor, but when they do,

we'll be ready.

Oh, did people pee a lot on the floor

back in your day? Yeah.

What? What is he saying now?

He wants us to put sawdust on the floor.

(laughs) Now, let's talk name.

How do we feel about... Higgintoot's?

Oh, h-he's not gonna like that.

What am I not gonna like?

Or... "Isaac's House of Horse Pie."

It does put a lot of pressure on the horse pie,

but I believe Jay can do it.

Uh, Jay, what do you think about

calling the place Higgintoot's?

Mm. Well, I mean,

are we naming an Indian restaurant

or a men's clothing store on a Dr. Seuss book?

Excuse me?

We are not doing any of this.

This is insane.

Well, then I'm afraid we have no deal.

Well, then he says we can't have the money.

Who says that, Sam? Huh?

I don't see anyone.

Jay. No.

I'm sorry, Sam. This is crazy.

We're negotiating with a ghost.

I'm not using whale blubber.

I'm not pee-proofing the floors.

And I'm definitely not naming my restaurant after him.

He's not even a real person, Sam.

Oh, I see.

So now I'm not even real.

He doesn't mean that.

No, no, no, Sam. Why would you listen to me?

I was nothing in life, and I guess I'm a nothing now.

It's not true, Isaac.

Samantha,

why don't you just let Jay take all of the money,

because clearly that's all he cares about

when it comes to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

(groans)

(panting): How's that for real?

He got me.

JAY: I took a bath in tomato sauce,

so hopefully that got the Isaac smell out.

Good night, Jay.

What? What's wrong?

Isaac was really upset.

Yeah, I know, babe, I feel bad,

but it's my restaurant.

Yeah, we all know it's your restaurant,

and kind of the only thing you care about right now.

What does that mean? It just means,

there are other people in this house,

and they also have things that are important to them.

Huh?

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

JAY: Three more unclogging videos, then I dive in.

CAROL: So, yeah, a lot of people think the hardest part about cheating

is the guilt, but in my experience--

uh, you know, watching soaps...

Right, the soaps you love so much.

The biggest issue is logistics.

So you need a good cover.

Something innocuous

that you can tell Alberta you're doing

when what you're really doing is Nancy,

if you know what I mean.

(chuckles): Oh, I do. I do.

Hey there, Pete.

I was thinking later

you and I could take a nice romantic stroll.

The-the thing is...

Pete and I have plans.

He's gonna be showing me the ghost boundary.

Oh, okay. No problem.

I'll catch you later, hot stuff.

(whispers): You're welcome.

No. I'm not welcome.

I don't want your help cheating, Carol.

What?

I know where you're getting all your advice

and it's not your soaps.

It's from your affair with Jerry.

Pete, I don't know what you're talking about.

Save it. I know.

I've known about you and Jerry

since I heard you talking about it with Sam two years ago.

Well, as you yourself should know,

these things happen.

I should probably excuse myself,

but this is getting pretty juicy.

No, I don't know, Carol,

'cause I'm not a cheater like you.

Well, what about Alberta and that little potato sack girl?

They were pretending so that I wouldn't look like a loser.

The truth is, I don't have a girlfriend.

I haven't had a girlfriend since I died

'cause I was staying loyal to my wife!

So, if that makes me pathetic,

then fine, Carol, you win.

I'm pathetic.

But you...

you suck.

Not sure if this is the best time, Carol,

but we think we've lit upon a solution

to this candy business that might satisfy all parties.

What we're thinking is, you hold your hand

with the candy through a wall,

and then we lick it from the privacy

of a different room. No eye contact.

No problem.

(Carol scoffs)

I think it may have been a bad time.

Yeah.

(insects chirping)

JAY: Okay, uh...

I'm sure you're all wondering why I asked Sam

to gather you here. Well,

allow me to explain.

We're here today to talk about

my partner in this endeavor,

Isaac Higgintoot.

(chuckles): Oh.

Born 1742,

to Harold and Mary Higginbottom,

who later changed their name

due to some outstanding bank debts.

Aw, he read the book.

They chose Higgintoot?

Mm-hmm. JAY: Isaac excelled

as an officer and attorney,

a barber and a squirrel taxidermist.

There weren't a lot of people back then,

so you had to wear a lot of hats.

And yet, he was never fully appreciated

in his time.

So here,

at our restaurant, in the center

will sit Isaac's table.

And it'll always be open for Isaac and his friends,

because even though you're not alive,

you're real to us.

ALL: Aw!

What a touching gesture

and characteristically stupid business decision.

THORFINN: They dumber than Danes,

but I do love them.

Anyways, um,

I can see now

that what I said was really insensitive,

and I'm sorry, Isaac.

Thank you, Jay. And I'm honored.

Although, I will be laughing when you're cleaning up

(laughing): all that urine

the sawdust could've soaked up.

Isaac is very appreciative, Jay.

So am I.

Well, before I say anything else,

is that book, like, "done done"?

'Cause I did have some structure thoughts.

Don't ruin this. I loved it.

I loved the structure.

(laughs)

Hey. Sorry about making a big scene in there.

I-I didn't mean to blow up like that.

Oh, don't apologize to me.

I was proud of you.

I did want to thank you for helping me out.

Obviously it didn't work, but I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

And for what it's worth, you're not pathetic.

Carol cheated. She's pathetic.

You stayed loyal to your wife, even in death,

and there's no shame in that.

Thanks, pal.

Sheesh, this darn arrow gets so itchy.

People forget there's fiberglass in the shaft.

("If You Were Here" by Thompson Twins plays)

♪ ♪

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you. ♪

(grunts)

Well,

thanks again for your... (gurgles) help.

(chuckles) See you around, basset hound.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org