Original subtitles

Father, I've returned.

Where have you been, Henrietta Woodstone?

Why, with friends at the pedestrianism event, of course.

Ooh, how those walkers walked.

It looked like John Whitaker was going to win,

but then Jim Smithee walked a little bit faster.

Are you sure that's the story you wish to stick with?

Because in just a few weeks' time

I'll be able to read the results for myself in the paper.

What are you saying, Father?

You were not walker watching.

You were rendezvousing with that painter paramour of yours.

What? No! Really?

Then explain this.

Oh, dear.

You posed for this, this pornography.

It's art, and he is a genius.

Full ankle! How could you?

Maybe I did show a little too much skin but... Too much skin?!

Thank God your mother is currently involuntarily

institutionalized with hysteria, because this would kill her!

♪ ♪

Okay. I'm off to the airport. I will be back Monday.

I have a bachelorette party in Chicago

for my friend Stacey.

Ooh, Stacey "hot college friend" Stacey?

Loving her Instagram posts recently.

Yes. Thank you, by the way, for DM'ing her "wowza"

while logged in to Jay's account.

Yep, anytime you find questionable Internet activity,

it's the ghosts.

You're away the whole weekend?

Who's gonna flip pages in our magazines?

Or move things we desire to be moved?

Yes, I will miss you all, too. Especially you.

Babe. (chuckles)

I am glad that my sister and Eric are coming up, though,

'cause I did not want to be alone

in a house full of creepy ghosts.

No offense.

How we not take offense at that?

So Bela and Eric are still going strong, huh?

Oh, that's the guy she was here with last Christmas. Yes.

Bela seems so happy.

I'm just glad she's finally giving a good guy a shot.

Did you know he secretly took classes to learn

how to make crepes because Bela told him

she loves crepes?

JAY: The guy's the total package. I mean,

he's an architect, he's a human, he wears pants.

You almost have sex with a guy's sister

one time with another man's penis,

you never hear the end of it.

Well, have a great weekend, everybody.

Love you. Mwah. Love you.

Oh! Remember when you drink too much rosé,

you get a headache.

And if a pillow fight breaks out,

you be open to it.

Bring back head of bachelorette. (laughs)

Thor not really know what bachelorette party is.

Now, the thing about planning a wedding

is you want it to be a most exclusive event.

It's almost more important who you don't invite.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Let's keep him in mind to fill that vital role.

Hello, Peter.

ISAAC: Hetty has graciously

agreed to be our wedding planner,

and she's giving us a little consult.

To think that we once planned battles

on opposite sides of a war,

and now we're smelling cakes.

Ah, I love a wedding.

Carol and I had our reception at the VFW Hall.

Oh, it was a heck of an affair.

Not unlike the one my best man had

years later with my bride.

Okay, so no toasts from Peter.

Now, let's talk budget.

Oh, well, I do have that $10,000 from my book advance,

so sky's the limit.

Surely we don't want to spend all of our money on the wedding.

JAY: Hey, ghosts. So, I put out

some wedding cake options downstairs on the kitchen table.

Okay, I'm gonna go say that in all the other rooms.

To the kitchen! Huzzah!

(laughing)

Did you hear that? Nigel just referred to Isaac's money

using the pronoun "our." He said "our money."

I guess he did. That money is not Nigel's. It's Isaac's.

Well, once you get married, it's community property.

Your wife was community property.

I am so sorry.

You said that thing earlier. I thought the doors were open.

BELA: We're here!

JAY: Bela, it's so great to see you!

Where's Eric? Did you guys break up?

Don't tell me you're seeing the motorcycle guy

that lives in your building.

Jean-Claude? I mean, I do like a bad boy.

Yeah, she does. (laughing): But no.

Things with me and Eric are great.

He's just grabbing my bags.

Oh. So,

what's been going on with the ghosts?

Oh, big, big stuff.

Uh, Sass haunts my dreams now.

Uh, Isaac and Nigel got engaged. Oh.

And then, Flower got sucked off. Good for her.

Solving my murder doesn't even make the list?

You son of a bitch. ERIC: There he is!

Hey! Hey! Thank you so much for having us.

(door closes) Yeah. I'm just sorry

that Sam couldn't be here.

She-She's not here, right?

No, she had to go to a bachelorette party.

Drinking blood of vanquished bachelorette Stacey.

JAY: I just wanted to thank you in person.

Those designs that you did for the restaurant?

(imitates explosion) I was blown away.

Well, you guys said that you couldn't afford an architect,

which is why those plans are on the house.

What? Seriously? Mm-hmm.

Eric is most generous.

No. No, no, no, I can't accept that.

He can, and he will. Are we really doing this dance, Jay?

What are the ghosts saying? Are they surprised?

Well, you know,

Sam's the one who can hear them.

All I do is make cakes for them and then throw the cakes away.

Eric, can we tell him?

I thought we agreed that we wouldn't.

What's going on? JAY: I'm sorry.

What's going on? BELA: Please. I mean,

who's going to understand more than Jay?

Okay, fine.

So, remember last Christmas when I tried to let Trevor possess me

so that he could be with Bela, but I electrocuted myself

and legally died for several minutes?

Yes, I do recall that. Yeah.

Well, when we got back to Boston, a couple weeks later...

Eric can see ghosts!

What? Yes!

What? Are they freaking out?

They're freaking out, yeah.

This is incredible.

Who all's in here right now?

Uh, well, let's see. Um, there's Alberta.

So nice to meet you. Skipping over pleasantries,

I need a page turn in my People magazine.

She says "hello." What?

And, uh, there's the Revolutionary War guy,

Isaac. Yeah.

Oh, and there's the-the arrow guy.

My man Pete!

Pete is not in here.

This dude can't see ghosts. My gods.

Eric is lying.

HETTY: Isaac,

you have a big problem on your hands. Oh.

Nigel will come around to the carrot cake. Don't you worry.

I'm talking about his referring to your fortune as "our money."

I'm not following.

I know no one likes to think this at the beginning,

but what if things don't work out?

You needn't look any further than this room

to see two sad-sack losers who lost out on love.

I'm just trying to watch TV.

Yeah, why are we being attacked?

As cautionary tales!

I'm just saying, not all marriages work out.

Hey, I never got divorced.

Luckily, the arrow felled me

before I found out my marriage was a sham.

And I never married the car ghost.

Things ended amicably when she told me

she wanted to live on the road so she could smell Arby's.

ISAAC: Oh, my God. It's like

a sadness duel, and they've both been shot dead.

You know, Isaac, you could just ask Nigel

to agree to a prenup, stating that if you do break up,

he doesn't get half your money.

Yes! Yes, yes!

I'm not saying that things won't work out.

I am saying, protect yourself in case.

No one has more to lose than the rich.

Yet, no one ever looks out for us.

And you know who's still bumming around Boston? Samuel Adams.

(laughing): Yeah. I will tell him you say hi, Isaac.

It's not a problem.

Isaac is not even here, you liar!

Speaking of Samuel Adams, do either of you guys want a beer?

Yes. You know what? I'll grab 'em, yeah, yeah.

(laughing): Yes, Thor, you can smell mine.

Oh, my gosh.

He's not wrong. I do want to smell,

but I not say that!

This is unbelievable. BELA: Right?

And it has made me and Eric way tighter.

I mean, he's going through so much,

and I just want to be there for him.

Trevor, do something!

Text Bela that this guy's not on the level.

I can't. He closed the laptop.

He flipped over the iPad.

There's no defeating that.

This guy is an evil genius.

I just can't believe there's another person

who knows exactly what I'm going through,

and it's my sister.

Of all the things that could have brought us closer together.

Turns out it was dating white people who see ghosts.

SAMANTHA: Surprise!

Oh!

There was weather in Chicago, and my flight got cancelled.

Hey, Bela! Sam!

You missed an incredible turn of events.

(overlapping shouting) Ghosts, hold on. Hold on.

Jay, go.

Eric can see ghosts now!

Seriously?! Yes!

No! Is lie! (shushing)

TREVOR: He's lying to Bela. He can't see ghosts.

ERIC: Pete was just telling me

the funniest thing in the kitchen. Oh, crap.

I mean, hi, Sam. Great to see you.

Eric's lying. He can't see ghosts.

What? Why would he do that?

Because he's trying to pull a fast one on your sister, pal.

Says the man that catfished her for three months.

Technically, I never said I was alive.

So, if she made assumptions, that's on her.

I don't know what's going on, but we need to talk to Bela.

She's never gonna give a nice guy a shot again.

I'll tell you that much. She's just gonna go run

into the arms of Jean-Claude.

He's a really cute

motorcycle guy she's mentioned a couple times.

Whatever. Sounds like a loser. Can't even afford a car.

Says man who can't afford pants.

Hey, Sam, Jay and... Pete?

Nope. Oh, I can explain.

JAY: This is just weird, man.

And part of me feels like I shouldn't even accept

free architecture plans, but you know what?

I'm gonna be the bigger person.

Now, what's going on?

Okay, so, for the first couple weeks

after the Christmas we spent here, things were going great.

Right? I mean, I was, like,

this dangerous, cool guy who agreed

to get electrocuted in order to facilitate ghost sex.

We almost made history. But,

subtly, slowly, I just...

I felt Bela, like, getting bored with me.

So you decided to lie to her? I panicked.

Okay? And-and Bela was talking about

how-how cool it would have been

if the near-death caused me to develop ghost powers like you.

And so, I went with it.

I came clean about the burden I'd been carrying--

that I was now able to see ghosts.

Damn it, Eric, we were rooting for you.

You took a crepe-making class.

I know I have to tell Bela the truth,

but I also know that she's gonna break up with me.

And I'm in love with her.

Oh, he's a fool, but he's a fool in love.

I'm really sorry, you guys.

I'm gonna go get this over with.

Just wait. Wait!

What if there was a way to end the lie

without Bela ever getting hurt?

What are you proposing, Jay?

I don't like what you did.

Okay? Yeah. No, I understand.

But I do think you're good for my sister.

So, here's what I'm thinking.

Oh, I love when Jay tees up a big idea.

We stage an accident, something to undo the curse.

You-you hit your head, and voilà--

you can't see ghosts, curse gone.

Don't love referring to seeing ghosts as curse,

but is good plan.

What do you think, babe?

Well, I do think people make mistakes.

And maybe this is just making the best

of some bad options?

Sam's on board with this meshuggener?

Actually, it's mishegas.

Someone who has a lot of mishegas is meshuggener.

Can you name one jazz artist?

Okay, but we got to talk about logistics.

Well, you may be surprised to find out

that I have an extensive tumbling background.

So, at the right moment,

I'll just throw myself down the stairs.

Or you-you could just say you fell down the stairs.

No, I'm done lying.

Let's get ready to tumble.

NIGEL: Tell me what's on your mind.

Well, Hetty and Pete had an interesting idea.

Seeing as I have all the money

and you have no money,

uh, perhaps you would agree to what they call

a prenuptial agreement.

Stating that in the unlikely event

things go south, I would

get to keep all my aforementioned money.

I see.

Oh, that's a big weight off my chest.

Now I do want to discuss the rather delicate issue

of the carrot cake.

So, you think our marriage won't last!

Oh, dear.

Well, I don't think one should head into

a commitment such as this planning to fail.

No one is planning to fail.

I'm just planning to continue to be rich

in the event things do fail.

Oh, if it isn't our wedding planner. (laughs)

I wasn't aware it was part of your services

to sabotage the marriage right out of the gate!

Well, he was none too pleased

about the prenuptial idea, Hetty.

This is why you have these conversations now.

So what are you saying?

If he doesn't agree to this, we shouldn't wed?

Isaac, marriage is a business arrangement.

Don't let love cloud your judgment.

(Isaac sighs)

I don't want to end up poor,

but I also don't want to end up a loser in love

like Pete or Sasappis.

It was Arby's.

I was supportive!

Okay, don't group me in with Pete!

HETTY: Mmm.

ALBERTA: So when are we doing this thing?

Sam, get in here! Let's get this show on the road!

Maybe fall down stairs actually result in death?

We don't know, but Thor excited to find out.

I don't want to be weird, but, um,

would you mind telling Trevor I say hi?

Of course, no problem.

He says hi back.

Yep. Yep. He looks amazing, by the way.

Jawline is as strong as ever.

I wish I could say as much about the hair.

What? BELA: He's losing his hair?

Do ghosts go bald?

You know what? I don't make the rules,

but apparently, yeah, they do.

Oh, I hate him but I respect it.

Here's some hors d'oeuvres.

Oh. Help yourselves.

You guys, that's so nice.

So nice. You know, I'm actually gonna, uh,

freshen up before dinner,

but I will be right down.

Whoa. Oh, wow.

I just walked right through Flower.

Oh, my God. I'm so-- I'm so woozy.

Oh. All right, well, I better be careful on those stairs.

I thought you said Flower got sucked off.

Did I say that?

Yes, you very distinctly told me that.

You said it was "huge news."

Sam, did Flower get sucked off or not?

Flower did get sucked off.

Eric must have just gotten confused.

That doesn't make sense. He wasn't confused.

He said he walked through Flower,

and then he got high, which is her power, right?

But how could he have walked through Flower

if she's not even here?

Well, the jig is up.

Okay. (chuckles)

Eric can't see ghosts.

I'm sorry, what?

Why would he say that?

And why were you going along with it?

He just cares about you so much

and you guys seemed so happy.

And it was a little lie.

BELA: A little lie?

He took me to Minnesota for my birthday

to have dinner with Prince.

ERIC: I'm feeling so wobbly from Flower.

Oh, no. Eric.

JAY: Eric!

Oh! (groaning)

I hit my head so hard.

Where are the ghosts?

I-I don't see them. They're gone.

No...

Eric, Bela knows the truth.

Okay, then. Here's some more truth.

I'm pretty sure I broke my fibula.

I don't think it's broken. Can you move it?

Yeah, but it hurts.

Good, you deserve it.

Okay, we need to splint this and call his parents.

Just mercy kill him. Put out of misery.

I recommend painkillers.

For him, and for you guys.

Put on some Dave Matthews,

that's a way to spend an afternoon.

Bela, please do not blame Sam and Jay.

It wasn't their fault. I-I just put them in a terrible position.

No, this is on me.

I'm the one who came up with

the whole "reverse the curse" idea.

What? Why?

Because I think deep down Eric is a good guy

and loves you.

And I just didn't want you to end up

with another Jean-Claude type.

Well, you don't have to worry about that

because he's not a real option.

Jean-Claude is a ghost

that lives in my building.

Or I guess he's not a ghost.

He's just another part of Eric's elaborate lie, apparently.

Bela, wait. I-I'm sorry, I ju-- Oh.

We really messed up.

I feel terrible.

I'm not really wild about Bela

having a thing for another ghost.

As far as she knew.

Seriously? We're doing this now?

Hey, I am willing to concede that she should be with

someone from her own plane of existence,

but if ghosts are on the table,

I'd like to be top choice.

HETTY: Okay, Sasappis,

enough with the mystery.

Why do you insist on leading me down this corridor?

There's something you need to see.

This. You recall this painting? (Hetty gasps)

My lurid shame.

What is this doing here?

I haven't seen this in 150 years.

Stop looking, you pervert. I see you ankle ogling.

Okay, I brought you here to remind you of a time

when you once faced a similar choice

as the one you now advise Isaac on.

Henrietta Woodstone, I forbid you from seeing

this destitute artist again.

But I want to marry him.

And live off what?

Because if you follow through with that threat,

you'll be cut off.

I'm sorry, cut off?

From my money.

You'll get not one penny more.

And this mansion that was to go to you

and your eventual husband, that would be gone, too.

I thought he mean "cut off" like her head.

I know you did, big guy.

Much less exciting now.

The choice is yours, Henrietta.

You once chose money over love.

And were you happy?

Oh. Nice ankle, you whore.

(gasps)

Hey, Bela, w-we just wanted to say again

how sorry we were.

If you're here to get me to forgive Eric,

you can forget about it.

No, we just wanted to apologize.

It just sucks because I actually really liked him.

I thought he could've been the one.

But you can't start off

a relationship like that.

Something that's meant to be can't start on a lie.

I couldn't agree more. Well...

Wait, what?

Ooh, we're gonna dig in on this.

I-I'm just saying

that our relationship could've started

with like a teeny, tiny little lie.

(laughs) What was the lie, Sam?

Was that it you could solve a Rubik's Cube?

Because those were tough.

So, you remember how we met because we kept

running into each other at that cute coffee shop

in the West Village?

Yeah, it was our neighborhood spot.

Well, it was your neighborhood spot.

The first time I went there

was to meet a friend. And then I got chatting

to this really handsome guy in line.

And I thought maybe there was a spark,

so the next morning I went back

to see if he would be there again,

after waking up at 6:00 a.m. to catch the PATH train

from Jersey City, where I lived.

You thirsty bitch.

I thought you lived on Bleecker.

What does Jay have? I don't get it.

He plays D&D and owns a Chewbacca watch.

SAMANTHA: I just didn't want you to think

I was some weirdo who stalked you at a coffee shop.

Uh, but you were a weirdo

who stalked me in a coffee shop.

Only for two months, and then I actually moved there.

The point is, it all worked out.

So, you're saying

you think I should give Eric another chance?

I'm saying that sometimes people do crazy things for love.

Aww, babe.

Yeah, I once walked across frozen fjord to attend orgy.

Sort of a fjorgy, if you will.

(laughs) (laughs) Yes!

I am kinda bummed though,

because seeing ghosts made Eric a bit of a bad boy.

Well, I mean, Jean-Claude's a bit of a bad boy, isn't he?

Jean-Claude's not real, Jay.

Exactly. He's inside Eric.

He's been inside Eric this whole time.

Hey, hey. So, I'm gonna head out.

Um, I'm leaving you the car. I'm gonna take an Uber Pool.

It says it's gonna take 14 hours,

but it's what I deserve.

I don't think that's necessary...

Jean-Claude.

Excusez-moi?

I'm willing to give you a clean slate.

But from here on out, it's total honesty.

Absolutely.

Now, tell me about that time you hit an oil slick

on the road to Saint-Tropez.

(French accent): But of course, mademoiselle.

Oh, ho-ho!

That accent. How would anybody believe that?

Wasn't your prom date a fake French guy?

Okay, sure, that's fair.

Pete, say joke again. Clever combining of words.

All right, here we go.

Fjorgy. (laughs)

Yeah. Not funny second time.

ISAAC: And so I find myself at a crossroads, Samantha.

What should I do?

I think that if you love Nigel,

that's all that matters.

Spoken like a true poor who didn't inherit her mansion

until after she married.

I mean, thank you.

Will you please tell me what this is about?

I have something to say and I need you both to hear it.

Oh, Samantha, welcome back.

I'm sorry about that bachelorette party.

Oh, thank you, yeah, it would have been fun.

But Stacey's actually talking about

rescheduling a spring trip to Lake Havasu, so--

I didn't ask for a Dickens novel.

Now, Isaac,

I fear I gave you bad counsel earlier.

I once faced a choice

between money and love, and I chose money.

And in many ways, I was poorer for it.

Really? But you love money.

(laughs) I know. Money can buy wonderful things.

Mansions and coachmen and unlimited cocaine.

But the point is, I was not happy in my marriage.

I never got a chance to experience what you two had.

So, don't throw away your chance at happiness

for a petty fortune.

I don't want to lose you.

Nor I you, Captain Higgintoot.

Also, this thing about Eric,

uh, lying about seeing ghosts is a reminder

of just how rare Samantha's gift is.

And without someone like her around

to help us spend it, what good even is money?

Interesting. So you're saying Samantha's imminent demise,

in a way, makes the money less important.

Imminent? HETTY: Exactly!

How many have we seen come and go?

Her life is a blip in the grand scheme,

but once she's gone,

you two will still have each other.

Now that's a lovely sentiment.

I work out twice a week. I eat well.

I don't want a prenup. I just want you.

Because love is more important than money.

And Samantha is going to die.

Oh, Isaac.

Okay, well, I'm going to go. So glad everything worked out.

Congrats.

Don't be upset.

Be inspired by our words.

Stop wasting your life sitting around not doing cocaine!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org