Original subtitles

Oh, Isaac, just who I was looking for.

I have something for you.

A gift for me? Whatever for?

I just got the advance for your biography from the publisher

and I wanted to give you something to say thank you.

Ooh, classy move, babe.

Can I open it since Isaac can't use his hands?

I know Jay's offering to help,

but it feels like he's rubbing it in.

Oh...!

Nice, babe. A scented candle.

Because they can smell.

Mm. (sniffs)

So how much was the advance?

$20,000.

My God. You could buy Delaware.

Okay, hold on, Sam, you get $20,000

and all Isaac gets is a candle?

Which cost...? $12.

Plus tax.

Sasappis brings up an interesting point.

I am the subject of the book and your collaborator.

Shouldn't I be entitled to half the compensation?

Isaac thinks we should split the advance with him.

(chuckles) A ghost wants $10,000?

NIGEL: I stand with Isaac.

You can't just exploit his labor

and take all the profits for yourself. HETTY: Agreed.

He's not a child in your iron foundry.

I mean, none of this would be happening

if it weren't for Isaac.

ISAAC: Ooh, she's about to surrender.

Nigel, this must take you back.

Okay, fine.

Isaac, we can split the advance.

Huzzah!

We haven't been on a vacation in three years

but now a ghost has $10,000.

(chuckling) I can buy Rhode Island.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hello, Alberta.

Okay, I know that you're mad about the whole

"my son murdering you and me not telling you

about it for a hundred years,"

but, but... how long do you intend to freeze me out?

Flower, can you please tell Hetty

I'm still not talking to her?

Hetty, Alberta wants me to tell you that--

Wait, I just had it.

Never mind.

(doorbell chimes)

Hi. SAMANTHA: Hi.

I'm Sam, can I help you?

I'm Kelsey Foster.

Okay, this is gonna sound kind of weird,

but my mom was an exotic dancer back in the '90s.

I don't know where this is headed,

but I like the way it started.

Anyway, I only recently found out

that she had a sort of office romance

with a client named David Woodstone.

That was my Uncle David.

And my boy. Who dump your body in lake.

Just that one time. KELSEY: Yeah, well,

I think we're related because your Uncle David

knocked up my mom, and then nine months later... ta-da.

Oh, my God! KELSEY: Little family history,

"ta-da" is actually what my mom used to yell

when she would take her top off onstage.

And I am now realizing what exotic dancer means.

So nice to have that in the gene pool. SAMANTHA: This is amazing.

I can't believe this. I hardly have any family.

I know, I'm so excited. You should totally stay.

We have some openings this weekend.

And it's on the house.

So, you own this place? SAMANTHA: Yeah.

I inherited it a couple years ago

from my Great Aunt Sophie, who was actually David's mom.

Which would make Sophie this woman's grandmother.

KELSEY: Yeah.

That's actually why I'm here.

See, the thing is, I'm actually more of a Woodstone

than you are, turns out.

What are you saying?

You seem really cool,

and I don't want this to affect our relationship, but...

I think this house,

technically,

belongs to me.

♪ ♪

PETE: Hetty and Alberta...

It's been a week and the rift between you guys

is starting to affect the whole house.

That's why we've asked you here today.

SASAPPIS: In keeping with the bylaws

outlined in the Woodstone Accords,

we've decided to convene Ghost Court. I'm sorry, Ghost Court?

When two or more ghosts have a conflict

that there doesn't seem to be a resolution for,

we convene a council

to agree on an appropriate punishment

so we can put the matter behind us.

How wonderfully bureaucratic.

Is this really necessary?

Oh, it's necessary.

It's time to pay the piper, Hetty Woodstone.

Then it's official. Ghost Court is in session.

FLOWER: Although, it is almost noon.

Should we figure out what we're smelling for lunch first?

Great point, uh...

We smell lunch and then, Ghost Court is in session.

Although, does an afternoon start feel like

might get a little bit sleepy?

Ah.

Hit the ground running tomorrow. Great.

(sighs)

The wheels of justice grind slowly.

So, what do we do here, Dan? DAN (over laptop): Well, look,

if she's telling the truth, she has a claim.

Now, that being said, there's a lot scammers.

So, I'm gonna send my DNA guy up there.

Absolute best in the biz. Does all of Jeter's stuff.

Are you allowed to tell us that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's the lawyer now, Jay?

Okay? I love it. I love you.

He remind me of guy I knew who sold used longships. SAMANTHA: Okay.

Well, that's a relief.

So, you think it's probably nothing?

Well, you know what? Look.

The only thing that does give me pause is

our firm has been representing

the Woodstone family for decades.

And without getting into details,

I do know that Davey Woodstone, let's just say,

had... an enthusiasm for exotic dancers.

Yeah, he did.

Again, he dump your body in lake.

Doesn't mean I can't be proud of my bro.

Pizza oven.

You got to use your money to buy a pizza oven.

I've never been overly fond of pizza.

Now a quail oven, though, is that a thing?

You should donate the money. Save the narwhals.

Screw that, get a new water heater.

Let's party.

Okay, thank you for your suggestions,

but this is Isaac's money

and I think he should spend it

as he sees fit.

Thank you, Nigel.

And the truth is,

I've already decided what I'm spending the money on.

Oh.

A new daybed!

A new daybed?

I saw it in a catalog for this emporium called

the Pottery Barn, and I must have it.

And this daybed would presumably sleep just one?

Like your current daybed?

I mean, I guess so.

Mm. Well, that's just lovely!

Okay, does anyone know what that was about?

SASAPPIS: Isaac, don't you see?

This daybed is not just a daybed.

It's a sign that you don't want to get more serious.

I recently had a girlfriend for a week,

so I know what I'm talking about.

I mean, I did just ask Nigel to move in.

Yeah, to the mansion, but not into your room.

And now by getting this new bed that only sleeps one,

you're showing you're nowhere near making a real commitment.

Which, honestly,

I respect as a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl.

Oh, dear.

This money, it's complicating everything.

(sighs) I'd be better just washing my hands of it.

SASAPPIS: Ironic.

If you'd washed your hands 250 years ago,

you wouldn't have pooped yourself to death.

Thank you, Sass.

DAN: Okay, so,

inside this manila envelope

are the results to Kelsey's DNA test.

What is DNA?

Stand for deoxyribonucleic acid.

They explain on O.J. Simpson episode of

How 'Bout Those Nineties.

KELSEY: I just want to say,

no matter what happens, Sam, we'll always be family.

Thank you, Kelsey.

But if this does go my way,

is the furniture included?

This was all here, right?

Absolutely.

Dude, whose lawyer are you?

Well, technically I represent

the Woodstone Estate.

So I guess... Hey-oh!

We're about to find out.

God, it's like an episode of Maury. Who?

TV show host also from '90s who reveal baby daddies

and send problematic teens to boot camp.

Oh, my.

What? What is it?

Wow.

Oh, I mean, this is frustrating for y'all,

but as an entertainer, I respect his showmanship.

And the owner of the mansion is...

♪ ♪

(quietly): Ooh, this guy's good.

She's in this room.

Dan! It's Kelsey, I'm sorry.

It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey.

(squeals) (laughs) Congratulations.

I can't believe this. I finally get a cousin,

and one day later, she's taking the house from us?

What about us? We're going to lose you.

Just when we finally got a Living

who can serve us...

See us. See us.

Thor and I have a plan.

You push Kelsey down the stairs.

Either she dies and your problem is solved,

or she can see ghosts, and then our problem is solved.

THORFINN: Though we will miss you.

Even though we now have Kelsey to help us.

Okay, interesting development.

Dan says Kelsey is willing to pay us

a settlement to avoid dragging things out in court.

Way less than what the house is worth,

but at least we'd get something.

I can't believe this is happening.

JAY: Yeah, it's like the weirdest butterfly effect ever.

Some '90s douche finance bro falls in love with a dancer

at Scores and now we're out of a house.

Wait, what did he say? Get over it, Trevor, you were all douches.

No. No, no, no. Scores?

Woodstone wouldn't have been at Scores.

He got banned from there when he tried to get

autographs from Gary Dell'Abate and Jeff the Drunk.

Jeff the Drunk? JAY: From the Wack Pack?

We got a Howard Stern fan in the house?

Okay, so the ban happened in like...

Baba Booey. SAMANTHA: Jay, please,

I'm getting important information here.

Trevor's saying that

David Woodstone was banned from Scores.

So, what are we saying here?

That David Woodstone isn't actually the father?

But how would we prove that?

Short of asking the ghost of David Woodstone himself--

Oh, right. That's what we should do.

I wonder where he died.

HETTY: Do we think perhaps Kelsey

might spring for the upgraded cable television package?

I'm sorry,

but we must emotionally gird ourselves

for a Sam-free future. JAY: Okay.

According to his obituary,

he died in Upstate New York

at a gentlemen's club.

Ooh, gentlemen's club. That sounds classy.

THORFINN: Just hope he didn't get sucked off.

(dance music playing)

Ugh. Of course this is where he died.

This place is so depressing.

JAY: I've seen more depressing.

On TV. I've never been to a strip club. (shudders)

Check it out, Schmitty, new talent.

Excuse me?

W-Wait... Are you a ghost?

No. Are you David Woodstone?

Uh-huh.

I'm your descendent. We're related.

You mean, he's actually here? It would appear so.

Wow, we're so lucky he didn't go up to heaven.

This isn't heaven?

ALBERTA: In summation,

for a hundred years, Hetty's been pretending to be my friend.

Withholding the truth about how I died.

This was a century

of betrayal.

And I hope this court remembers that

when it comes time to sentence her.

Hetty, do you deny these charges?

I do not.

But I ask that the court

consider the following.

The Hetty of a hundred years ago stayed silent

for many reasons.

But the Hetty that stands before you today did not.

Thanks to women like Alberta and Flower

and Samantha and a washing machine,

I have changed. Aw.

In my time, women were competition.

But I now know that they are friends.

And I couldn't sit back

and let my friend Alberta believe

her sister had killed her, no matter the cost to me.

And I know that may not change the way you feel...

...but I am deeply sorry, Alberta.

PETE: Wow.

Not sure how the washing machine got mixed up in all that,

but still I was moved.

The washing machine gave her an orgasm.

Oh, cheese and crackers.

Now, Alberta, you have a choice.

You can accept Hetty's apology,

put this matter behind us,

house harmony restored.

Or we can move to the punishment phase.

Punishment phase. FLOWER: Are you sure?

You can take some time to think about it.

Punishment phase. Your girl wants blood. (gasps)

ISAAC: I'm just vexed by this Nigel situation.

Moving in together as a ghost is different

than moving in together as a Living.

The stakes are much higher.

I mean, what if things go south?

I will be heartbroken for eternity.

Taking chance at love always carry risk.

Like when I catch Danish man with cousin.

We disembowel the Dane and force him to march

until entrails wrap around tree.

Okay. THORFINN: For him,

risk not work out.

But sometimes risk do work out.

Like with Thor and Flower.

TREVOR: Isaac,

relationships are like sharks.

Either they move forward or they die.

That's from a Woody Allen movie.

And that guy knows relationships.

Did you ever move in with anyone?

Almost. Once.

She wanted to get engaged first.

She wanted that commitment.

I was only in my 30s, had my whole life ahead of me.

I thought. (laughing)

Very funny, because actually die soon after.

You two have been very helpful.

(dance music playing)

Hmm. Strip club sushi.

It shouldn't look good. But it does.

That's what I thought, man.

Before it killed me.

So, this chick just shows up out of the blue

and says she's my daughter? Pretty much.

But there's something off about her story.

How old is she?

She was born in '97.

No, she can't be mine.

I've been shooting blanks since '93.

Oh, okay. What happened in '93?

I dipped my balls into a scalding hot coffee pot.

(chuckling)

Why?

Uh, my boy Ari said that I wouldn't, so...

Freaking love that guy. Okay, this is huge.

So she definitely can't be your kid.

No. SCHMITTY: Uh, excuse me.

You might want to tell your husband

that sushi was on top of a stripper last night

at a bachelor party.

Babe, they got all-you-can-eat sushi.

It's better than you'd think.

ISAAC: Matters are on my mind,

and we must speak. Let me get right to it.

Nigel, it seems apparent

that you wish for us to move in together.

You read my storm-out correctly, Captain Higgintoot.

I don't know how else to say this,

but I fear that our relationship is not

at the stage in which I would feel

comfortable cohabitating.

I see.

So let's take our relationship to that stage.

I'm sorry?

(gasps) Now it is I who gasp.

Nigel...

Yes, Isaac?

Will you make me

the happiest ghost on the entire property?

No.

I will make you the second happiest.

Get up so I can look my fiancé in the eye.

Oh, my only regret is that I lack the ability

to physically place a ring on this finger.

You've already embedded a shiny metal object deep in my heart.

You're referring to the bullet I killed you with.

NIGEL: Or, as Samantha would say,

our meet cute.

So, we can move in together now?

My fiancé?

Absolutely.

Oh, and I'll ask Samantha if we can just use

one of the extra guest rooms.

If she says no, I'll tell her she's being homophobic.

It gets stuff done.

And perhaps we can use that money of yours

to buy a king-sized bed.

That might be nice.

Yeah, nothing better than a king.

Oh, I see what you did there.

It's hard to beat me in a battle of wits. (chuckling)

Well, a battle of armies on the other hand...

(chuckles) We will have fun.

PETE: We've reached a verdict.

Henrietta Woodstone, for your crimes,

you are hereby sentenced to banishment in the woods

for a period of one year.

A year?

Thor only got three days for chopping Peter in half.

Ended up staying entire week.

Bonded with family of beetles that taught me life lessons.

Wow. A year. Y'all don't mess around.

It is quite harsh.

But I accept my fate.

And do not worry about me.

When the weather turns I shall take shelter

in the old outhouse we reserved for the help

and foreign-born guests.

TREVOR: Hey, guys.

Did you hear the big news?

Isaac and Nigel are engaged.

(excited laughter)

What? Yes.

They're moving in together, the whole megillah.

That's incredible. We should all celebrate

after Thor dumps Hetty in the woods.

Wait, what?

She's been convicted by the Ghost Court.

Thor, take her away.

Can't it just wait a moment?

I would like to take part in the celebrations.

You celebrate with beetle friends now.

(laughing) (Hetty gasps)

Wait.

Uh...

So, like...

can I still meet up with Hetty for our daily walks?

Yeah, that's not really

how the whole banishment thing works.

What about conjugal visits?

♪ ♪

Not in this situation, obviously.

But if I ever get banished

and there's a Swedish bikini team ghost

that I'm schtupping?

There is no outside contact allowed.

So like, I can't even watch TV with her sometimes?

Who am I gonna make my naughty Momoa comments to?

I'm around and ready to objectify that man.

It's not the same.

You said you wanted her punished, Alberta.

I think.

Sometimes I hear things. ALBERTA: Yeah.

But I don't want to go a whole year without...

my friend.

Well, you could forgive her.

That would allow the court to vacate her sentence.

Okay, I might be able to forgive you, Hetty.

But I want something if you're going to stay in this house.

Anything.

Well, if Isaac's moving in with Nigel,

then you've got that big room all to yourself.

So how about I get your room, and you move in with Flower?

(gasps) New roomie?

I'm gonna braid your hair while you're sleeping.

(Alberta laughs)

Well, what's it gonna be, Hetty?

Flower or the woods?

If I could just see if the outhouse still has a roof.

Seriously? HETTY: Fine.

Fine. Thank you, Alberta.

I truly am sorry.

I know.

And it's a good thing you've embraced female friendships

'cause you're going to get a lot of practice with Flower.

Oh, oh, oh...

Do you want to be the engine or the caboose

in the massage train?

It just doesn't even make any sense.

There's only the two of us.

Not every conversation has to make sense.

We're gonna have so much fun!

Yay!

Ooh, God. (sniffles)

TREVOR: So he was shooting blanks?

That makes so much sense!

That's why he was always raw-dogging it.

A life without consequences.

What a gift.

So, how he die in strip club?

I like to say I died in a motorboating accident.

I had an aneurism with my head pressed between two boobs.

I didn't ask. (door opens)

So, you wanted to talk about my offer?

Yeah, uh, we did.

We just thought before we make our final decision,

we want to do another DNA test,

just to be sure.

Okay, why?

Because we've recently uncovered evidence

that suggests David Woodstone was sterile.

SAMANTHA: We're not accusing you of anything.

We just want you to take another test

from a different company.

(singsongy): Dan, what should I do?

Why is she asking him?

Why is she asking you?

I have no idea. (quietly): Dan, you said this would work.

Okay, clearly, this woman is having

some sort of a mental breakdown. No, I'm not.

He said he'd give me $10,000

if I pretended to be your cousin. SAMANTHA: What?!

Dan, you were in on this?

No! Yes!

Normally, I would stand up and confront you,

but I ate strip club sushi, and...

my stomach's not feeling so good right now.

So, why don't you tell us what's going on?

Okay, you know what? Fine.

Recently, I was contacted

by a major hotel chain with an offer to buy your home

for way over market value.

Simultaneously, the New York Knicks

have been blowing some very large second half leads.

Yeah, they're resting their starters, it's driving me nuts.

But that is not what we're talking about right now.

So, you were trying to trick us into selling you our house

for basically nothing so you could turn it around

and sell it at a huge profit,

all to pay off some gambling debts?

Well summarized, babe.

That's all water under the bridge, okay?

What is important is,

there is a very substantial offer on the table

for your house from the Four Seasons.

Now, look.

There is no one better to help you navigate

that tricky sale than your man Dan.

No! JAY: Get out of our house!

Both of youse.

When you say, "Get out of our house,"

do you mean after my free weekend stay?

Just go!

I'd walk you to the door, but I am afraid to stand up.

JAY: Thank you for coming with me

to get Pepto Bismol. SAMANTHA: You're welcome.

I can't believe we almost lost the house. But we didn't, babe.

Your dead uncle dipped his balls in a pot of coffee

and everything turned out fine. Yeah, that's true.

It was scary though. Yeah.

And just to be clear,

we're not gonna take the offer from the Four Seasons?

Come on, we could never leave the ghosts. Yeah.

I love those stupid invisible bastards.

Think about how much our lives have changed

in these past two years.

Each one of the ghosts has come to mean so much to me.

I never had a lot of family.

But the truth is,

these days we're surrounded by family.

And yes, they can be frustrating

and demanding and childish.

♪ ♪

But I've also seen them grow.

Seen them be loving and giving

and sweet.

And the thing is,

for as much as we help them,

they've made our lives so much richer.

Not in the financial sense, but sure.

I just can't imagine not having them around.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

I mean...

SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.

What?

I think one of the ghosts just got sucked off.

What? Who?

I have no idea.

I hope it's Trevor.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org