Original subtitles

Samantha, as you know,

Trevor and I are now an official couple.

That's right, Sammy, this beefcake is off the market.

You snooze, you lose.

Darn.

Anyway, our social calendar

is filling up quickly,

so if you and Jay would like to get on the books,

I suggest you act with haste.

This afternoon is spoken for, however,

by me and Nigel.

Oh, it's so fun to have another couple

to do things with now.

I know. Doing things with other couples

is one of the best things about being a couple.

[chuckles] Thor and Flower also a couple now.

Oh, dear.

We are available to do things.

Unfortunately, we have plans that night. Oh!

But Thor not say specific night.

Without a specific night,

how are we supposed to plan anything?

Oh, she's good.[door opens]

- JAY: I'm home! - Jay!

Hey, babe, and I'm guessing three to eight

invisible people from throughout history.

SAMANTHA: How was New York?

It was freakin' awesome. It was two days of

wall-to-wall D with my old crew.

Sounds like pure hell.

It was pure bliss.

Neglore and Devlin were unconscious,

Florin was out of heals.

It was just me versus the Dracolich.

I pull out my sword, toss my lucky die,

and what do I roll? Natural 20, baby.

I am so sorry I missed it.

- No, you're not. - No, I'm not. But I did miss you.

[chuckles] I root for them.

It's gonna be a bummer watching them wither and die,

but right now, this is nice.

♪ ♪

Nay. Ya-da-da-da!

Pete, please get out of the way.

No can do, my friend. As you know, the bathroom

is strictly off limits for ghosts

when the Living is inside.

That's when someone's, like, in the shower, man.

They're just fixing a leaky pipe.

Okay, what you're saying may be within the spirit of the rule,

but I must insist we follow the letter of the law,

because of my ethics,

and what a doctor once called

a slight personality disorder.

- Did you get the sneakers? - I waited in line

for six hours to get these bad boys.

Behold.

The Wind Storm Ultra Five.

Damn! And Sam didn't see you bring these in?

No, no, no, no, no. I brought 'em in

in my suitcase, and then I hid 'em in this tub.

She doesn't know anything.

Can I smell 'em?

I wouldn't consider you a fellow sneaker head

if you didn't.[sniffs]

[stairs creaking]

Oh![loud crash]

Dude, are you kidding me?!

I hope that didn't wake up that creepy prom ghost.

That is, like, twice in two years, dipwad.

Sweet dreams.

[loud crash]

Okay, what about six Wednesdays from now?

Mm, no, also booked.

It is unfortunate.

It's frustrating for both of us.

Hey, losers.

Stephanie, what are you doing up?

Please don't make fun of my knees again.

They're normal knees.

That dork Living woke me up, again.

So what did I miss since last April?

Oh, well, let's see, Elias came back from hell.

Samantha got possessed.

We all met Tara Reid.

Ooh, we started a podcast about my murder.

I have son.

And I'm gay.

What's a podcast?

So, what are we smelling for lunch?

Oh, God.

Stephanie. Hi, Trevor.

Aren't you happy to see me?

You know, I've been thinking about you,

like, a lot.

Again, not gonna happen.

You know, I'm technically 54 years old now.

Yeah, but you're not.

Plus, um... [clears throat]

Well, really, I'm seeing someone.

Her?

We were copulating secretly

for a period of time.

Initially stirred to passion on the Lord's birthday.

But now we have come out of the shadows.

Thor also have girlfriend now. [laughs]

We're going on a double date with Trevor and Hetty

at some unspecified point in the near future.

As soon as we can work it out schedule-wise, yeah.

I'm dating Nigel. It's sort of an adorable story.

He's British, and I killed him.

Wow, so is everyone just pairing up now?

There is some movement in that direction.

But no, not everyone.

It's his knees, isn't it?

And she went there. Gosh darn it.

SAMANTHA: Hey, Stephanie.

I guess the rumors are true.

Just came to say hi.

Wait a minute, you mean Stephanie

the creepy chainsaw girl?

I mean the totally rad '80s girl?

Did I wake her up?

I did go up to the attic to put my suitcase away.

- Anyway, how are you? - Terrible.

I just found out about Trevor and Hetty.

Oh, yeah.

She's upset that Trevor's dating Hetty.

Trevor is dating Hetty?

Seriously? When were you gonna tell me this?

What would you do with that information, Jay?

I don't know, feel included in the goings-on

of my own home.

I just really, really like him,

and I don't think he's ever gonna give me a chance.

That's why they call them crushes.

If they were easy, they'd call them something different.

That's from Sixteen Candles.

It's my favorite movie.

Me, too. I've been there.

- I know it hurts. - I know.

I just need to move on and set my sights

- on someone else. - You should definitely move on,

but I'm not sure who else you could be with.

What does that mean?

No, it's just that you're a high-schooler,

and all the other ghosts are, you know, adults.

I am 54 years old, young lady.

I Frenched a guy at a Flock of Seagulls concert.

I don't know what to tell you.

You tell her to stay positive, okay? You never know.

A nice high school kid might show up,

and he might crash his car, fly through the windshield...

Jay!

Well, excuse me for being a romantic.

You know what? I think you're right, Sam.

I should just make peace with being alone.

Thank you so much

for a very helpful talk.

- You're welcome. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Stephanie. You're awake.

What are you up to?

I am going to take down

every couple here at Woodstone.

If I can't be happy,

- no one can. - Cool.

I'm gonna stick my head in the fridge

and smell some cheese.

Listen, Trevor, uh, I am sorry

for getting all mad about you and Hetty.

The truth is I'm happy for you guys.

Thank you, Stephanie.

It kinda sucks, though, for you, right?

You guys used to just hook up,

and now you have to do a bunch of boring boyfriend stuff?

Yikes.

Look, boyfriend stuff isn't boring.

Like today, we're doing a double date.

What are you doing?

We're having tea with Isaac and Nigel.

Wow. That sounds right up your alley.

- Not. - THORFINN: Whoa.

She completely changed meaning of sentence

with one word.

TREVOR: Well, I like tea.

And next time they said that we can watch basketball.

I'm sure that'll happen.

Not! [laughs]

TREVOR: Whatever.

You're just jealous.

And stop trying to get in my head.

- So, a Viking and a hippie. - FLOWER: Mm-hmm.

What do you guys have in common?

[chuckles] Um...

- we both like Viking stuff. - Mm.

I mean, I'm not huge on Viking stuff.

That's not a promising start.

I like horses. Mm.

Yes! Me, too.

- Very delicious. - Oh, no.

Well, I'll leave you guys to it.

[chuckles]

Hey, thanks for coming up here.

I was hoping you could help me move this old quilt

onto my bed.

Which old quilt? This one?

Yeah, that one right there.

Looks way more comfortable than the one I have.

Thank you.

SAMANTHA: Wait, what are these?

Oh, I don't know. It's, like, shoes or something.

Jay was putting them up here when he woke me up.

Wait, did you not know about these?

Huh, he bought these two days ago in New York.

And he hid them from you?

That's so messed up.

No, we don't hide things from each other.

I'm sure he just didn't get around

to telling me yet.

No, yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're right.

Not.

So, Nigel, Isaac was telling me

that you don't care for green tea.

[Nigel laughs]

Getting into controversial topics, I see.

Well, be honest. Don't you grow tired.

Of the smell of English breakfast tea?

In England, we just call it

breakfast tea.

[laughter]

Is this whole double date gonna be

tea-related conversation?

It's just, it's been an hour.

And-and that's just a long time to talk

about flavored water.

Well, uh, perhaps it wouldn't feel so long, dearest,

if you attempted to participate.

- Mm. - Okay.

Well, I guess that I like... Mm-hmm?

...iced tea.

Have you ever had Snapple?

The Diet Peach was pretty good.

[English accent]: And in a bold move,

Iron Chef Arondekar has chosen the parsnip.

My God, how's he gonna prepare this?

This guy really needs some friends.

Well, when you have imagination,

you don't need friends.

I wore headgear till I was 15.

Hey, honey, I just realized that

I never got the chance to hear about the rest of your trip.

Oh, well, it was pretty chill.

Just played D with the old crew.

Oh, did I tell you about the showdown with the Beholder?

No, I didn't mean more D stuff.

You were there for two days.

You must have done something else.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, a Beholder showdown.

Let's not race past that.

Nope, that was pretty much it.

So weird.

Why isn't he telling you about the sneakers?

Look, Jay, the truth is I know what you did in New York.

You do? Yes.

And it's not even a big deal, I just...

I want you to be able to be honest with me

because that is the kind of couple we are.

Okay, fine, I interviewed for the head chef position

at my old restaurant.

What?!

You interviewed for a job there?

You just said you knew, and that it wasn't a big deal.

This is so much better than sneakers.

I didn't know, and it is a huge deal.

Okay, before somebody says something they're gonna regret,

let's get back to the Beholder showdown.

Did it use its Ray of Disintegration?

A shiny nickel says it did.

I just can't believe you would interview for a job

in another city without talking to me.

Wait, what did you think that I was hiding?

Uh, duh, the sneakers in the attic.

Oh, well, those aren't mine, those are Mark's.

He keeps 'em here so that his wife doesn't know

how much he spends on shoes.

I don't even have shoes,

and my clothes are basically a potato sack.

I'm just offering a different perspective.

Whatever. The shoes don't matter.

You were looking for a job in the city.

Are you unhappy here?

Well, not exactly.

You know I can't live - in the city, right? - Yeah.

It's, like, wall-to-wall ghosts.

Central Park looks like the "Thriller" video.

I wasn't gonna take the job.

I just wanted to indulge in the fantasy for a minute.

- What fantasy? - I don't know.

Being at the epicenter of the cooking world again,

and working in a busy restaurant

with people that I can see and hear.

Ouch. That felt pointed.

JAY: I'm not unhappy here,

I just-- I miss some things about my old life.

Okay.

Well, what can we do?

I don't think there's anything to do.

Wait, what-what-- What was that?

I wanted fireworks. That was just...

That was depressing.

What are you talking about?

She's been trying to break everybody up,

except for Pete, who has no one.

Stephanie, why would you do that to us?

Oh, my God, no one understands me!

I hate you. I hate all--

Stop looking at me.

That is one dramatic middle-aged lady.

TREVOR: Guys, what was I thinking?

I had everything so good with Hetty.

It was literally just sex.

But now we're smelling tea and talking about tea.

And she shushes me whenever I bring up anything

that happened after 1900.

I hear you. Relationships are tough.

What do you know about relationship?

Uh, hello? Remember Jessica?

My ex-girlfriend?

- She lived in a car? - No.

Trevor, I think you're thinking about this

all the wrong way, buddy.

I mean, the stuff you're doing now,

the couples stuff, that's the best part.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

When I think back on my time with Carol,

I mean, those are the moments that really stand out.

You know, it's that trip to the lamp store,

or those long breakfasts where you

sit there reading your separate papers.

And then she glares at you for laughing out loud at Ziggy,

which you know bothers her, but you can't help yourself.

It's Ziggy!

The point is, this is the good stuff, buddy.

Soak it in.

That was so bleak.

Yeah. Thor rattled.

She lived in a RAV4.

It was just a couple weeks ago, Thor.

I know you remember.

Very sad, Sass make up girlfriend.

So, that was fun today with your new beau.

[shudders] Yes, it was a delight.

We should do it again soon.

Not that soon, though.

It's just we want to space out the fun.

Oh, drop the niceties. Trevor was a disaster.

He had no opinions about tea.

His knowledge of steam engines was rudimentary at best.

It wasn't that bad.[scoffs]

Is it really that difficult to carry one's weight

at a social function?

I mean, Elias was a syphilitic philanderer,

but that man sparkled at a dinner party.

He could drink anyone under the table with class,

and vomit most discreetly.

Things were simpler before, when our union was purely carnal.

But now... what can I do?

- Can't go back. - During tea,

did either of you...

Feel his genitals were on display? Yeah.

I wish I could say you get used to it.

You don't.

[door opens, closes]

Hey, Sam, I'm here for the shoes.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Mark.

I just don't want people going - in and out of the attic. - Why?

Oh, that is a fair question.

Um, there's a rare owl that's nesting there.

We don't like to disturb it.

Oh, I didn't know about this owl.

I love owls.

Odin has pet owl.

Really?

Maybe that's a thing we have in common.

Yes. Thor and Flower both familiar with owls. [laughs]

Is definitely basis for entire relationship. Hmm?

There's gotta be another place on this giant property

I could stash these shoes.

How about that barn out back?

You want to put your expensive sneakers

in some dilapidated old barn?

Yeah, it's old, but it's got good bones.

And it's actually got a solid roof to it.

ALBERTA: Ooh, hold on.

I know my girl. Her wheels are turning.

Guys, I have an idea.

It's, uh, it's just me.

Right. I mean guy...

My guy, my man, my-my dude.

My man Mark. Marky-Mark.

[chuckles weakly]

It never gets less painful to watch.

JAY: Now will you tell me what we're doing

out here in the barn?

So, after our little talk earlier,

everything you said was true.

I can't ever go back to the city.

She got a lot of parking tickets. Ah.

So why don't we bring the New York City

food scene to us?

It'll be like that baseball movie you love.

Major League II? No.

Major League one? The Sandlot? No.

Bull Durham? Moneyball?

The Natural? Barbarella!

- Just stop guessing. - BOTH: Oh.

"If you build it, they will come."

Field of Dreams. Field of Dreams.

So this is why I brought you out here.

Because this could be your cornfield.

[wings flutter]

It could be a restaurant, a destination restaurant.

Are you saying this could be our Blue Hill at Stone Barns?

A destination restaurant could be a big draw

for the B and B.

Oh, also, a butter churn. People love activities.

Mark could help us transform the space.

Yeah, I mean, it all sounds great,

but we don't really have the money for that.

You do if your contractor is your business partner.

Hold on. Mark's gonna be around all the time

being best friends with Jay, getting into shenanigans?

Don't love that.

Although I am glad that Sam and Jay worked things out.

And now they're stronger than ever.

Just like me and Thor, who love owls.

Oh, thank you, Sam.

Now I can tell you that half those sneakers are mine.

They're investment pieces.

See? The shenanigans are already starting.

SAM: Hey, Stephanie...

Yeah, they already told me, okay?

You and Jay are totally fine.

Are you here to gloat?

No, I'm here to thank you.

You made us work through something,

and we are stronger - because of it. - Good for you.

I'll just be over here alone for eternity

because I died on prom night,

and there is not a single other teenage ghost on the property.

Wait a minute, you've never met Ralph?

Who's Ralph?

Hey, Ralph, show yourself.

I got someone who wants to meet you.

RALPH: H-Hi.

I'm-I'm Ralph. Ew.

SAMANTHA: What's wrong?

Look at this dork, he's got glasses on.

What, these?

["If You Were Here" by Thompson Twins plays]

♪ But would you suspect... ♪Oh, my God.

You look like that under those?

♪ Do not want a part of this anymore... ♪

So what kind of music do you like?

I only heard music three times in my life.

Whatever. You're so hot.

♪ And I'll have to spend my time on repair... ♪

My own restaurant? I'm so excited.

I'm so excited for you.

Oh, and Mark's gonna be around, like, all the time.

Glad you'll have a real-life friend.

You think Mark really likes me, or is it just business?

I don't want to talk about Mark anymore.

Now you know how I feel.

Okay, rock, paper, scissors. I win, we ask Sam

to turn on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?

You win, we watch... what is it?

Find Nemo.

Is story of fish on great journey across the sea.

All right. [clears throat]

One, two, three. Ha ha!

Rock beats scissors.

[cries out] And axe beats all!

[laughing]

Darn it, that smarts!

- HETTY: How dare you! - TREVOR: How dare me?!

You're selfish, you're a control freak,

and you got all your little old-timey rules.

- What's going on? - Hetty and Trevor are having a huge argument.

Shh, it's getting good.

It's like dating my teacher, and not in a hot way.

You know what's not hot?!

Displaying one's genitalia at the tea table.

It's because of a hero move![groans]

You know what? I'm done.

That makes two of us.

Stephanie will be most pleased with this

a year from now.

But she couldn't stop us. Owls.

Owls.

Do you think they bought it?

Hook, line and sinker.

Then back into the shadows we go,

where this mismatched travesty belongs.

Now take me, you bare-assed libertine. [moaning]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org