Original subtitles

SAMANTHA: Hi, come on in.

Hi. I'm checking in.

Alicia Walker.

Yes, welcome.

Let me just find your reservation.

And now she's going to do that thing where

she pretends that there's multiple reservations

to make it seem as if this business is doing well.

Uh-huh, here it is. (chuckles)

The Maple Suite for one night.

So, Alicia, what brings you to Ulster County?

Actually, sort of you do.

You're Samantha, right?

From the Alberta Haynes murder podcast?

Oh, we got a fan.

Yeah, that's me.

I just had to come see the place where Alberta died.

She's sort of a personal hero. Oh, Sam,

you got to upgrade this girl. She is

too good for Maple. Put her in Pine.

And bust out the free Toblerone.

Actually, Alberta and I are related.

ALBERTA: What?

She's my great-grandmother's sister.

Oh, my God.

This is my baby sister Reese's kin.

Wow. That's so cool. A relative of Alberta's?

Sam, ask her how many other kids Reese had.

Can I ask you... And, uh,

what their names were and how many kids they had!

Aah! I have so many questions.

I should probably whittle it down to just one to start.

ALBERTA: I haven't spoken to a family member

in 100 years.

What happened to Uncle Al?

Did he ever kick that gambling addiction?

Oh, and what about...

Are you still thinking of the question?

Yeah, it'll be a minute.

♪ ♪

What's going on?

We're watching this sauce simmer.

Jay's making his secret ragù recipe.

Interesting. I guess you could say

this is a house of secrets.

Right, Hetty and Trevor?

What does that mean?

Uh, he's clearly referring to

the secret stash

of chocolates that Jay keeps hidden in his sock drawer.

Yes.

That's what I was talking about.

(scoffs)

Okay. Well, this needs another 45 minutes.

I'm gonna go watch the bird bath.

I hate my life.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, you want to get in on that bird bath action?

I'm talking about Nigel.

He walked in on us in the throes of...

you know, and now he's taunting us

with his knowledge of our affair.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm not losing sleep over that British twerp.

It's intolerable.

I do not like being in this position.

Well, I know a position that you do like being in.

How dare you?

Oh, meet me downstairs in five minutes.

ALBERTA: So, what does she do?

(gasps) Oh, is she married?

Uh, so, uh, what do you do, Alicia?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, that means she's smart.

Y'all know how hard it is to get into law school?

I went to law school. Shut up, Flower.

So, is she seeing anyone?

I don't see a ring. Sam, find out

the scuttlebutt.

Are you married or dating anyone?

Oh. Okay. Uh, I've been dating,

but, you know, uh, i-it's tough out there.

The apps are a nightmare.

She hates apps? Has she tried jalapeño poppers?

(chuckles) The only nightmare is when you're done.

I used to crush it on the dating apps, okay?

Do you have a picture with a dog

or a tiger? Ooh,

have you learned the trick where you photoshop

yourself in front of Machu Picchu? Jay.

Sam, we got to get this thing back on track.

You know who did have an interesting dating life

is Alberta.

Ooh-hoo! Oh, yeah.

All those bootleggers and gangsters.

Oh, yeah, I did have a type, but what you gonna do?

The bad boys are much more fun.

Oof, sorry, Pete.

Yeah, that felt pointed.

You know, she just had such a colorful life.

Ooh, ooh. Did you ever hear the story about her performing

and there was a fight that broke out in the front row?

(laughs) Alberta straight-up

knocked out one of the guys with her mic stand

and just keeps on singing.

Hit him right on the downbeat. No one even noticed.

You know what, babe?

You should have Alicia on the podcast.

Oh, wow, I'd love to be on the pod.

Great idea. I will reach out to my co-host Todd

and see if he's available.

(all groaning)

Can't you just interview someone yourself?

We don't need to drag creepy Todd into this.

I'd love to meet Todd. ALBERTA: She doesn't

understand what she's saying. She's never met Todd.

And of course Todd would be extremely hurt

if I recorded an episode without him.

Uh, yeah, I already agreed.

That's fine with me.

Ugh, fine. Let's get that weird little man back here.

(clears throat) All right,

you filthy little teapot, you have us

over the proverbial barrel.

What will it take to buy your silence?

You know, I haven't really given it much thought.

(quietly exclaims) Though, I suppose if pressed,

I would like to reside in the room with the TV.

Dude, that's my room.

Oh, I guess it is.

Well, this will be easy.

We switch rooms, and no one will ever be the wiser

about your dirty little liaison.

Done.

Lovely.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I love my room,

and I don't want to live in a library.

When I was alive, I didn't even like going in the library.

You know what, we don't even care if people find out.

(laughs) Mm. You're serious. Nigel,

Trevor and I need some time to discuss.

Of course. I will stay tuned.

That's a little television joke

in honor of where I'm about to move.

I hate British humor.

Landship just pull up.

Alberta's voice blaring from stereo.

Okay, you know "stereo" but not "car"?

I think you're doing this on purpose.

Ugh, that must be Todd.

The things we do for family. (door opens, closes)

Hello, Woodstone!

(sighs)

Oh... he's back.

To clarify, I said "he's back" not "his back,"

which is the thing that has your face on it.

Hey, uh, Todd. This is Alicia.

Alicia, this is my co-host, Todd.

It's exciting to meet a descendant

of the great Alberta Haynes.

Oh, wow, it is so nice

to meet you. I'm a huge fan.

You know, I actually read your book.

Oh, you're the one.

(laughs) You're funny.

Fairly confident that was not a joke.

But thank you, that means a lot.

The life of a historian is a lonely one.

We don't do it for the glory or the fame.

Or the ability to move out of your mother's house.

Vox clamantis in deserto.

Excuse me?

"A voice cries out in the wilderness."

Yes, yes, that's exactly how I feel sometimes.

Were you a classics major, too? Minor.

I majored in dance.

But it's great to meet a fellow scholar.

ALBERTA: Okay, what the hell is going on here?

I'm no expert, but it seems like they're hitting it off. (gasps)

I'm gonna, uh, go freshen up,

but, Alicia, I can't wait to talk

all things Alberta with you later.

Can't wait.

(chuckles softly)

Is he single? (gasps)

I've never asked, but I'm going to assume yes.

I can't believe it.

My descendant is hot for Todd.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alberta's descendant was into Todd?

She found him charming and funny.

She asked if he was single.

Todd? The guy who has

Alberta's toenail in a jar?

And has a computer printout

of what his and Alberta's baby would look like? That Todd?

Yeah. THORFINN: To be fair,

baby did look pretty cute.

Sam! Help! Oh!

I just eavesdropped on their romantic stroll.

They're making plans to have dinner together here tonight.

Golly, dinner? That's the most romantic meal.

It's the one that's usually inside you

when things get frisky.

Thank you, Pete.

How is this happening? Todd?

It is puzzling.

That said, Benjamin Franklin was a celebrated womanizer,

and he looked like a walrus.

Ha! Sam, if you think about it,

this is kind of your fault.

My fault? How is it my fault?

Well, you always edit out all the weird stuff

he says on the podcast.

Yeah, 'cause I want to make him seem

credible and professional...

Oh, my God. I've normalized Todd.

You have to fix this, Sam.

How can I possibly fix this?

They are two consenting adults.

If the problem is Alicia is unaware of Todd's

weirdness, you must simply illuminate her,

like we did with the colonists

when it came to the evils of King George.

Oh, get over it.

(scoffs) Truth hurts, sweetie.

(chuckles) You two.

Isaac's right. You just need to tell Alicia

all the weird stuff that we know about Todd.

Yes, codblock him.

Is term I learned

from watching reality dating show.

Best way to stop guy from getting girl,

codblock him.

It's not "codblock." It...

It doesn't matter. Either way, it feels wrong. Sam,

you have to do this, for me.

As you know, I died young.

Young-ish. Whoa.

THORFINN: (clears throat) Sorry.

(chuckles) Reality TV making Thor catty.

And one of the worst things my murder took away from me

was my chance to have kids,

to be a parent and help guide someone through life.

And now that Alicia's here,

this could be my one chance to help my family.

Please.

You're right.

Let's codblock Todd.

Oh, yes!

Yes! Codblock! (cheering)

What are we celebrating here? PETE: We're denying

two lonely people a chance at love.

Not sound great when you put it that way,

but will be fun to watch. Yes.

Okay, so, what's the play here, huh?

We're gonna dig up dirt on Nigel?

The play is that

we're going to do exactly what he wants.

You're giving him your room.

But I don't want to do that.

And who cares if he tells people?

Isn't it more exciting when it's hidden?

I mean, sure,

but we can figure something out. We can role-play.

Maybe you're a mermaid and I'm the co-owner

of a wholesale fruit and vegetable business.

We're not doing Splash. Stop asking.

Now, let's just go talk

to Nigel and get this whole thing over with.

Wait, I thought this was all

just a bit that you did.

That you're embarrassed of being with me.

(laughs) I just thought it was playful--

if a little mean-- banter, but it's real?

You're that ashamed?

Oh, how do I put this?

I was a woman

of extremely high status,

and you

got bombed at Mardi Gras

with your Lehman Bros. Yeah, we did.

Also, the pants thing.

The pants thing is hard to get past.

So, I'm not good enough for you?

Well, I mean, that's more harsh

than I would have liked to have put it, but...

Well, you don't have to be embarrassed anymore.

Because this is over. What?

No more hooking up, no more whatever this is.

Oh, God, don't be so dramatic.

I'm not kidding.

I was fine keeping it a secret

when it was just 'cause it was hot, but this...

this doesn't feel good.

And the pants thing was because of a hero move.

Why does no one remember that?

(sighs)

ALICIA: So,

did you always know you wanted to be a historian?

And follow-up, is one a historian

if they also wait tables at something called Bennigan's?

All of my life. And I truly love it, you know?

I love my subject.

It is not mutual. What about you--

do you like being a lawyer?

Honestly, it's fine.

But, I don't know,

sometimes I feel like I took the safe path.

What's wrong with safe? Girl, you killing it.

Yeah, she drive landship with seats made of cow.

Okay, I've heard you say "leather" before.

Are you messing with us?

I guess if I had to do it over again,

I've always thought I could be a singer, like Alberta.

You should absolutely do that.

He's trying to turn her into me, the creepy bastard.

Do you really think so?

Yes, solicit career advice from the guy

who lives with his mother, that's a good move.

Hey, we wouldn't be here today if Alberta Haynes

hadn't had the guts to go after her dream.

That's very true, Todd.

Thanks.

(gasps)

(gasps) Oh, hand-on-hand action.

Looks like Todd just got to first base.

Oh, Sam, get in here.

Cod need blocking now!

Hey, uh, so how's it going in here?

Very well.

Let me put it like this:

if either of these two have a van,

they're both gonna be in it soon.

Hey, Todd, I almost forgot,

uh, how's your mom doing?

Uh, she's good. Thanks, Sam.

SAMANTHA: Yeah? Cool.

He lives with his mom.

So, uh, mind if I join you guys?

Nice codblock, Sam.

So, you live with your mom?

Just while I look for my own place.

Oh, it's pretty convenient for work, though, right?

Because the museum is in her garage.

Is it? TODD: For now,

but interest in Alberta is really picking up.

Speaking of-- why don't you

show Alicia the tattoo of Alberta's face

that you have? I-It covers,

like, the majority of his back.

She went there. Wow. It's so gross.

Well, we're at the dinner table. ALBERTA: Don't let up.

Hit her with the toenail.

By the way, uh, do you still have Alberta's toenail

on display at the museum?

ALICIA: Her toenail?

Why do you have her toenail?

I bought it online.

So, enough about me.

Where did you go to college?

He wants to clone Alberta. (chuckles) It's very exciting.

I should let Todd speak about it.

Cloning?

Uh, yeah, it's pretty normal

historian stuff.

Hey, would you rather go out for dinner?

Just the two of us?

I have a discount at Bennigan's

if there's one around here.

You know what, Todd?

I think we should just forget dinner.

Yes! Cod got blocked, you creepy bastard.

Was it the toenail thing?

It didn't help.

Well... (groans)

I'm sorry it didn't work out for the two of us,

but that's the longest relationship

I've had in several years.

Thank you.

Ooh! Bullet dodged.

Victory on my first day as a parent.

Thank you, Sam.

He seems so normal on the podcast.

Oh, he is a little eccentric. (chuckles)

Well, it's all good now.

Your auntie's watching over you,

making sure you don't trip up.

He's definitely weird,

but he did have one interesting thought.

Oh, what was that? He said I should

quit being a lawyer to pursue my dream

of a singing career.

And he was right. I'm gonna do it.

Wha... Uh-uh, no! I just fixed you.

Why are you doing something dumb again?

That's the thing about parenting.

The victories are very short-lived.

Welcome to club.

I'm going after my dream.

(groans) Damn it, Todd.

Trevor, what are you doing in here?

Just hanging out in my new room.

This is the most time I've spent in a library

since I found out that Penn had Playboy on microfiche.

Well, but... You switched with Nigel? Well,

he said that he was still gonna tell everyone

about you and I if I didn't give up my room.

(groans)

And while I don't give a crap...

(sighs) I know you do.

But... you broke things off.

Why, then, still do something selfless for me?

Because, Hetty, that's the kind of guy I am.

Kind of guy you could've had if I wasn't such an embarrassment.

Now, please leave.

My shirt's not long enough to cover my butt,

and I want to roll over.

ALBERTA: This is a nightmare!

Now Todd's convinced my descendant

she should throw away her career

to pursue singing?

Shouldn't you be happy about this?

She wants to follow in your footsteps.

My footsteps were hard. It was cutthroat,

full of shady characters and backstabbers.

I know, 'cause I did a lot of backstabbing.

I get it. Kids can be a nightmare.

One time, my daughter Laura lost her headgear

in the garbage disposal.

(chuckles) I don't have a more relevant adult example

because... (grunts, chuckles) But I feel your frustration.

(sighs) THORFINN: I also am expert

at parenting, as father to adult male baby ghost,

so feel free to lean on me.

Okay, Thor, what should I do?

You should be okay with Alicia marrying Dane

because she does not know better.

Child, what? SASAPPIS: Yeah, that's

wildly unhelpful here, big guy.

Still, if ever come up, very good advice.

Okay.

HETTY: First, I would like

to thank you all for gathering.

I have an announcement to make. (chuckles)

This news will be shocking,

so if any of you need to sit, please do so now.

Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?

Are you sure about this?

As sure as I'll ever be.

For the past three months,

Trevor Lefkowitz and I

have been engaged in amorous congress.

Hetty's in Congress?

No, we've been scrumping.

(whispers): Is that a dance?

Playing a game of nug-a-nug?

Must I be vulgar?

Fadoodling!

Oh, for God's sakes, people.

We've been doing it.

(all gasp) Oh...

I-I can't wait to find out who their third is.

This is the stuff I should've known about.

You're slipping, Sass.

ISAAC: You finally found your stable boy.

Happy for you, Henrietta.

Enjoy the library, Nigel.

There's a chessboard down there. You may want to study it.

Because I just checkmated you.

Yes, I understood. Thank you.

Good. (chuckles softly)

SASAPPIS: Okay,

we got to hear how this happened.

Well, it all started on a very horny Hanukkah.

Oh, God.

ALICIA: Hi, Todd.

How you doing? Honestly? Still a little

reeling from our breakup.

You literally dated her for a quarter of an hour.

But I'm a professional, and I'll push forward.

That's very admirable, Todd.

And thanks again for the pep talk

about my singing career.

Oh, you're actually considering that.

I slept on it and prayed on it, and yeah,

I might be crazy, but

I don't want to have regrets.

And I know Alberta would say the same thing.

No, she would not.

Sam, tell her she's being a fool.

You don't quit a job like hers to pursue some crazy fantasy.

I mean, we don't even know if the girl can sing.

Have you ever actually done any professional singing?

A little.

I sing with a wedding band on the weekends.

Baby girl, that's not the same thing

as making a career out of it.

Right, but it is a pretty big career change. (chuckles)

Didn't you and your husband quit your jobs to start this B and B?

That's a pretty fair point. ALBERTA: Yeah, she makes

good points, Pete, which is why she's a good lawyer,

which is why she should stick to that.

Hey, I was thinking,

since you have a big audience,

maybe I could sing on the pod.

Get some exposure.

There was a song

Alberta used to perform back in the '20s,

the night that she hit that guy with the mic stand.

Now, I'm not warmed up, but it'll go

a little something like this.

♪ There's a somebody ♪

♪ I'm longing to see ♪

♪ I hope that he ♪

♪ Turns out to be ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me... ♪

Oh, my God, she's incredible.

♪ I'm a little lamb ♪

♪ Who's lost in the wood ♪

♪ I know I could ♪

♪ Always be good ♪

♪ To one who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me. ♪

(all cheering)

I know, it was amazing.

(chuckles) Yeah. I think that's good.

Screw it. Sam, you tell her to go for it.

She better than Alberta.

All right, everybody calm down.

Welcome to the Alberta Haynes murder pod,

recorded here at Woodstone Mansion.

Located a convenient distance from the city,

Woodstone B and B features

the world-renowned cooking

of chef Jay Arondekar,

whose tandoori lamb chops

the Menu Hunter recently called "orgasmic."

She made love to those chops the way I made love

to the rhythm section of Country Joe and the Fish.

And now, back to the Alberta Haynes murder pod.

We're speaking with Alberta's descendant Alicia Walker...

You sure you're okay with Alicia going after

her singing dreams? Mm. She's got the gift.

I don't know if she gonna make it, but

she won't if she doesn't try.

And if, at some point, while out there on the road,

she meets and falls in love with Dane... (chuckles)

now you know what to do.

Yes, thank you, Thor.

And as we've discussed,

Alberta was dating Earl Boudreaux

when she died, and...

JAY: And in a note found here

at the mansion, we learned that Earl

and a woman named "T" wanted

to "get Alberta out of the way."

Sweetie, I thought you were just doing commercials.

Nope. Your mistake was giving me a microphone.

This is so fun. So,

Alicia, any idea who this T was?

I don't know T,

but my great- grandmother Reese

dated Earl after Alberta's death.

Theresa got with Earl? My Earl?

Oh, my God, I just had a thought--

could "Reese" be short for "Theresa"?

Holy cow.

Yes, and-and according to the family tree,

her sister's name was Theresa.

So, could she be T?

Did my own sister murder me?

Did Alberta's own sister murder her?

(gasps) Did my own sister murder me?

Flower, it was a bear. Oh, right.

Oh, my God, that would be crazy.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org