Original subtitles

That cloud looks like a banana, eating a banana.

Whoa. Bananabalism. (laughing)

Uh, Flower, is that a bear?

Oh, that one does look like a bear.

Good call, Ira.

No. I mean

right there. (growling)

Hey, Mr. Bear. How are you today?

Mm. She is not long for this world.

Thor happy for bear.

Eat well tonight.

What's that? Oh, you want a hug?

I don't think that's what he's saying, Flower!

(bear growling, Flower screaming)

(Ira screams)

(bear growling)

(claws ripping)

(Thor clears throat)

♪ ♪

And she's staying.

Hey. Hi.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, man, I'd hate to be her.

THOR: Yeah. Ugh.

So, were you guys at the music festival, or...

♪ ♪

ISAAC: And while today he may be celebrated

as a great man,

it turns out Hamilton was

a bit of a nose-picker.

Yeah, why don't you tell me

about the revolution?

What got you interested in that?

Oh. Well, I mean, suppose

it was around the time of the Stamp Act.

You see, the Crown had levied the most unjust tax

on the colonies... Hmm.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Mm, nothing.

Just a frog in my throat. I see.

Um, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes.

The Crown had levied a tax on the colonies

to pay for their costly war with France--

Hmm. Okay, well, there it is again.

(doorbell ringing)

Sorry, I should get that.

Wait-- Wait, but what about the book?

Sam, did you know they wouldn't let Hamilton sign

the Declaration of Independence?

Yes! They knew where those fingers had been!

This is Paula. She's interested in renting out our property

as a shooting location.

I'm with a docu-series called Dumb Deaths.

I don't know if you're aware, but this property was actually

the site of a dumb death.

Could you be more specific?

There were a number of dumb deaths that took place here.

And also just some regular ones, too.

Well, the one we're interested in involves

a hippie back in the '60s.

Oh, Flower... child.

A flower child is probably is what you're talking about.

The woman's name was Susan Montero.

She wandered over from a music festival high on drugs.

And then she tried to hug a bear.

So, the show would be making fun of me?

I don't love that.

The shoot would be two days and we'd give you $10,000.

$10,000? That's more than I paid for my Skylark.

Uh, we could certainly use the money.

Yeah, our busy season just ended and it wasn't that busy.

So, what do you say?

Well, I...

Sam, I said no.

I don't want to look dumb.

Tell this lady and that guy that we're not interested.

PETE: Um, Flower, look,

I think you're looking at this the wrong way.

I mean, this is an opportunity to really help Sam and Jay here.

Were you going to say something?

Yes. Yes, I was just

thinking about your offer.

So, give me one moment.

Mm. Yeah, this is all just part of her process.

She's very deliberative.

As a small business owner in life myself,

I can attest to the fact that these early days

can be some of the most stressful.

You should see her try to pick out a movie. Oof!

Heck, I've arguably got the dumbest death of them all.

But I'd still be proud to be able to lend a hand.

I mean, think of all Sam does for us.

Yeah, Flower. Do it for Sam and Jay.

I guess you're right.

Okay, Sam. They can do the show about me.

Okay. Having thought about the pros and cons,

I think we should do it.

Great.

ISAAC: You know, Nigel,

earlier today, when I was telling Sam

about the injustices building up to the war,

you, um, had a reaction.

A reaction? A rather pointed, "Hmm."

Did I?

I'm still getting to know

all your adorable little tics,

but this pointed "Hmm" seems to occur

only when you're displeased.

I thought it was actually quite a reserved utterance,

given the egregious misrepresentation of history

I was hearing. Excuse me?

Well, the Stamp Act you maligned

was necessary to pay for the many troops

we brought to protect you from France

during the Seven Years' War.

Oh. Please.

If anything, you rebels should be thanking us.

Thanking you? Thor.

Thor, could you come in here for a second?

I need you to settle something for us.

Who was right about the Stamp Act?

Well, Thor feel there's no real upside to weighing in here.

Don't want to get in middle of--

NIGEL: Oh, come now.

Was it the righteous monarchy

or the sniveling colonists?

What's that? (laughs)

Be right there!

Whoa, that guy's shirt says, "It's Getting Hot In Here,

season one." Yeah, the producer said

it's actually a lot of the same crew.

We walk amongst the gods! (laughs)

So how are you gonna shoot the bear?

Is it gonna be CGI or are you gonna get one of those guys

in a bear suit?

Oh, we actually pivoted

from the hippie hugging a bear idea.

What? The network felt there were

too many animal episodes this season.

But we had the location, so we looked into

some of the other deaths your wife had mentioned.

Huh.

It turns out some idiot

got shot teaching archery

to a bunch of little girls. (chuckles)

(English accent): Thank you, so nice to meet you.

What's your name?

Oh, my God. They're doing you, Pete.

Aw, now you get to help Sam and Jay.

You must be so happy.

This is... so cool.

I'm so sorry, I don't want to be that guy.

But mobile phones weren't around in 1985.

So, would you mind?

Just-- I know you're not onscreen,

but it's just the vibe for me.

Also, could somebody please fetch me a Tab?

I actually put on 75 pounds for my last role.

Took months to lose it,

but no one will ever forget Customer Number Two.

You sure you okay with this, Pete?

Yeah, I was rattled at first,

but I was right in what I told Flower.

I mean, this is my chance to really help Jay and Sam.

Daniel, um, could I have a quick word?

Just have a few questions about my character.

Well, it's five lines

and then you get shot with an arrow, but sure.

What drives Pete Martino?

Who is Pete Martino?

A good-hearted man. Kind to his family and troops.

Dude, he's an idiot. Got killed by a little girl.

Okay, that's another take.

Now, why would he do something

so unbelievably stupid?

You know, what causes a man--

an experienced troop leader--

to put himself directly in the line of fire?

I don't know. Maybe he was drunk?

What?

That's crazy. Were you?

No!

Yes, of course he was.

He looked around one day and realized

how pathetic his life was.

A travel agent booking other people's holidays

while going nowhere himself.

Hey, we went to Epcot, buddy.

That's the whole world all at once!

And so he hit the bottle. I can play that.

Great. We good?

Mm-hmm. I'll need a flask.

I'll talk to Props.

Hey, do not get him a "flahsk"!

We do not need a flask! Sam!

Sorry, in a bit of a rush.

Who is this woman who just walked to the head of the line?

That's the producer.

That's the most baller job on a film set.

She could fire someone for just looking at her.

Really? So powerful.

Hey, Paula, hey, hi.

The arrow guy's a drunk now. Which flask do you want?

I'd like to see some more choices.

Is that a problem, Gary? No, ma'am.

No, right away.

I like her.

ISAAC: Can I bend your ears about something?

I am in the most frustrating tiff with Nigel.

About what?

The American Revolution.

Mm, may be time to let this one go, bud.

No, no, no, I get it.

It's like you guys are rooting for different teams.

I've been there.

I was a huge Giants fan

and I dated this chick who liked the Eagles. Mortal enemies.

S-So, what did you do?

Whenever football came up,

I would change the subject to something

that no one would find controversial,

like, uh, The Cosby Show or Woody Allen movies.

So you're saying in order to keep the peace,

I should avoid the war?

Damn, Isaac, that was good.

Suck on that, Hamilton. (laughs)

What's going on? Pete's upset with the way

the show is trying to portray him.

It's a gosh darn hatchet job!

Sorry about the locker room talk, but I am steamed.

They're implying that he was drunk the day of the incident.

Look, I may not have had the perfect marriage.

And at work, I was a good travel agent,

but I was no Greg Flannagan.

Famous travel agent?

There are no famous travel agents.

The point is, the one thing I could hang my hat on

was that I was a great Scout troop leader.

Those kids loved me, and I was there for them.

That's what makes this so hurtful.

Hey, uh, Paula, could I just have a second?

I'm a little concerned about this whole,

"Portraying Pete as a drunk" thing.

Um, yeah, we don't typically take creative notes

from the owners of the location.

Now, is that all? Because Paula and I have

a million things to do if we're gonna make our day.

Right, it's just, I actually know his widow.

I met his grandkid.

Oh, God, Little Pete's gonna see this.

This is how he's gonna know me.

And I don't think they would appreciate

an inaccurate depiction.

How do you know it's inaccurate? Were you there?

Yes! No.

Okay, well, if we need you

to move your cars or anything,

we'll let you know.

Producers coming through, clear the way.

This is so unfair.

They can't do this to my guy Pete.

What are we supposed to do, Jay?

They're right, we weren't there.

But we were.

Right, that's also not helpful.

What about one of his old troopers?

That's it.

We could track one of them down

and they could set the record straight.

That's a great idea!

I'll look them up, and assuming they're not

too traumatized to talk about it,

we'll make it happen.

It was very traumatizing.

Thor not sleep for many moons after witnessing.

And I've chopped heads off, and drank blood from open necks.

Now, let's track down a middle-aged woman.

(laughs)

Isaac, I hope you're not too upset to go on our stroll.

Just the opposite.

And I was thinking

we should avoid talk of the revolution altogether.

Ah. Splendid idea.

Ooh, I wonder if we'll see ducks!

You know, I was thinking,

we always go for a walk by the lake.

Why not mix it up and go for a walk in the woods instead?

That would be most enjoyable.

But it is tradition that we stroll by the lake.

It's how we've always strolled.

Yes, but sometimes tradition is meant to be broken,

especially when one party

desires to go in a new direction.

Well, why go in a new direction when the old direction

is working just fine?

I deserve a vote in where we walk.

No ambulation without representation.

Wait a minute.

You're not talking about the walk!

Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?

Except the most prosperous colony in all the empire.

Oh! This is precisely the kind of childish behavior

one would expect from a...

A what?

Say it. I dare you.

Yankee.

(gasps) You did not.

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee! (gasps)

I don't get this rewrite.

Why would I say "Howdy?"

Is this a Western? Am I Jonathan Wayne?

Just say the words.

Picture's up in ten

and we're running out of daylight.

Thank you so much for coming.

It would mean a lot to Pete's family that you're here.

I mean, it was a pretty crazy call to get,

but if I can do something to help out Mr. Martino, I'm game.

Aw, she's a good kid. Oh, Sam, offer her a ring-pop.

Cherry's her favorite flavor.

Paula, I would like to introduce you to Jennifer Macklin.

She's actually one of the little girls

from Pete's Pinecone troop. Pete?

The guy who died?

Oh, right, this week's idiot.

She has a lot on her plate.

You were there?

Tell me everything, Jennifer.

Bring me inside the mind... of a madman.

Well, for one, Mr. Martino would never have a flask.

He wasn't a drinker.

Ha, see? I told you.

But he was a bitter soul,

visibly haunted by demons from his past?

(chuckling): No. I'm sorry.

That's about the exact opposite of Mr. Martino.

Damn it! Whatever tenuous foothold I had

into this man is gone.

I've completely lost my character.

Right, back to basics.

I'm a bumbling cuckold

whose only friends are little children.

So, you see, Pete did nothing wrong.

It was an unfortunate incident

and nothing "dumb" on Pete's part.

Yeah, sorry, Paula, if that's not good for your show,

but, I mean, you heard it from an eyewitness.

Well, he did do something sort of dumb.

Wait, what?

Was it pills? Pills I can play. Was it pills?

For some reason, on that day, I remember him handing out

the bows and arrows before the safety demonstration.

What? That's not true.

40 years seems like an awfully long time

for such a small detail.

No, this I'm sure about.

He just seemed really distracted.

He kept muttering something about donut holes.

Oh, my God...

Yeah. You were muttering about donut holes.

She's right.

It all started that morning

before I headed to the archery lesson.

(exhales)

Is, uh-- Sweetie, did-did you eat the rest of the donut holes?

Yeah, I thought you were done with them.

No, Carol, I was looking forward

to having some before I left.

You don't even like donut holes.

No, I like donut holes. I don't like donuts.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

The donut holes are punched out of the donut. That's wrong.

You see, donut holes come from their own machine.

Okay, even if that were true,

they're all donut material!

I was so distracted, I must have handed out

the arrows before doing the safety speech.

Okay, so he wasn't a reckless drunk, he was just an idiot?

Are we done here?

♪ ♪

Don't listen to her, Pete.

PETE: Why not? She's right.

I failed those girls.

I was a terrible Pinecone troop leader.

A sugar fiend in need of his fix.

His blind pursuit of pastries ultimately costing him his life,

and earning me a general meeting with JJ Abrams,

or someone at his company.

So, how's Pete doing? He looks pretty glum.

He tried to rip off his Pinecone Trooper badge,

but it just zapped right back into place.

Thanks for highlighting my impotence.

What's going on? Pete's impotent.

Oh, is that why he didn't want to be our third?

It's okay. There's still stuff you can do.

SAM: Paula.

I'm sorry, but we're going to have

to shut this whole thing down.

Oh, my God.

Just forget it, Sam.

I died dumb. It's time to pay the piper.

I get that it's accurate now, but as friends of Pete's family,

we just don't feel comfortable...

Here's the thing. You signed a contract

stipulating we can shoot here,

so we're shooting here. Okay, sweetie?

And that is why you are you,

and she produced World's Hottest Dentists.

SAM: Isaac...

what's going on?

It's just this thing that I have with Nigel.

It's not going to last.

What happened?

It's just that our differences are simply irreconcilable.

Americans and the British are sworn enemies

and it shall remain that way until the end of time.

Isaac. Hmm?

Britain and the U.S. are basically best friends.

(chuckles)

What? Really?

They are, like, our closest ally.

You know, there's even a name for the friendship

between Britain and America.

It's called, "The Special Relationship."

Honestly, Samantha,

I'm impressed with your knowledge of geopolitics.

Thank you. I... I learned it from a movie

called Love Actually.

There we go.

All right, last looks, everybody!

Oh, Daniel, an idea, if I may.

When the arrow's punctured my neck and shattered

Pete Martino's dreams...

I urinate.

Sure, why not?

You know, that's real. That's what the body does.

I like it. PAULA: Yeah, that's not bad.

Wardrobe! We're gonna need more shorts.

This is going great.

Poor Pete.

We have to do something to stop this.

Sam already tried, but it didn't work.

Well...

then we do something.

♪ ♪

Are you gonna make a suggestion, or...

Oh. No, Thor just trying to get the ball rolling.

You know? While I have poured

my heart and soul into this production,

my allegiance is with Peter.

And I know how we can shut this thing down.

Thor, we'll need your ghost power.

We're going to focus your destructive capacity

on the most important part of any production.

The writer?

(laughs)

Oh, sorry, I thought you were purposely making a joke.

No. I am talking about... the camera.

CREWMAN: All right, picture's up!

(slurping)

Okay, I've got three takes in me. Let's make them count.

All right, the stunt of him getting shot

in the neck is up next, so just make sure

the bow and arrow's ready. Copy.

I know I'm not technically with production,

but hey, I am the owner of the house,

so gimme a tuna sandwich, huh?

No one has to know. DANIEL: All right.

So, you've given the little girls the bow and arrows.

You should have given them the safety precautions,

but you were too distracted by your donut hole rant.

Okay, just say, "Action," I can't hold it in much longer.

And... action!

Girls, listen up, pay attention.

Thor, camera!

Prepare to be destroyed, tiny foe!

(grunts)

I'd like to talk to you through

some important safety procedures.

This is all information that would've been really useful

before you handed out the deadly weapons, you idiot!

(screaming)

(electric beep) Oh, just lost a battery.

(gasps) You did it, Thor!

Because I told him so. Producing!

Okay, good to go.

What?

All right, action! What?

Listen up, girls, pay attention.

You got another one in you, big guy?

You can do it.

Come on, Thor. Come on, Thor.

FLOWER: Ow! Oh. Ooh.

Whoa, what was in that tuna wrap?

HETTY: Oh, he's quite stoned.

Hey. You want to go for a ride, little buddy?

Oh.

Ow!

Jay!

(all exclaiming)

Is there an arrow in my butt?

Do not remove the arrow. Stay calm.

Help. Is anyone going to do anything?

Do not remove the arrow. Stay calm. Okay.

Bandages. Tape.

Uh, we need to support the arrow and secure it.

Then we're gonna make a tourniquet.

Bandages. Tape. We need to support the arrow,

secure it, and then we're going to make a tourniquet.

Wait, so Jennifer can hear ghosts?

No. She just... remembers.

Because you were a good troop leader.

I guess I was.

♪ ♪

Oh, that's a waste.

And he wet himself.

Wardrobe. We're gonna need new shorts.

And socks!

Also socks.

NARRATOR: Everybody dies.

But not everybody dies... dumbly.

This is Dumb Deaths.

Oh, is this the program they did about Peter?

No, uh, after Jay got shot with an arrow,

we agreed not to sue in return for them

not doing Pete's story.

Thank you, Sam. FLOWER: But we still wanted

Sam and Jay to get paid, so...

NARRATOR: This week's dummy is a hippie

who tried to hug a bear.

(bear growls, woman screams)

Hey, glad you and Nigel made up.

Yes. If America and England

can resolve their issues, so can we.

They are very similar countries.

So one has a parliamentary system

that's slightly superior. No matter.

Hmm.

What was that, my special friend?

Hmm? Oh, nothing, my special friend.

Sam, you're on the TV.

Yo, man, is that a bear?

I bet it totally wants to hug me.

Uh... Hey, Fluffy.

Ooh! Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.

Then why did you insist they cast you as part of the deal?

Who else was gonna step in last second?

And besides, I was in drama club in high school.

I thought you just built sets.

Because of politics, Jay! ACTOR: No!

This was supposed to be a hip and groovy day, you dig?

But this is like... the opposite of groovy!

Didn't the real Ira run off screaming?

He didn't think that was something

his character would do.

There's no such thing

as free love.

There's always a price.

(groaning)

Is he... soiling himself?

Yep.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org