Original subtitles

So you'll just park here,

and you'll find the trailhead there.

Now, it is bear season, so if you see any...

Do not hug them!

You're gonna want to hug 'em, but don't.

Just, uh, keep your distance.

Business seems to be picking up.

Yeah.

So far it's just been antiquers and bird-watchers.

Would love to find a way to expand our customer base.

Yes, how can we get the halls of this once proud home

crawling with even more commoners?

Hey, babe. What's going on?

Yeah, I just sent the guests on a hike.

They were raving about the breakfast

you cooked this morning.

It looked amazing.

Smellwise, I would rank it

somewhere between patchouli and weed.

Speaking of cooking, you know what else was cooking?

My jump shot on the court today.

TREVOR: Ugh, I miss playing basketball.

At Camp Ramah, I once hit a game-winning three,

while being fouled, and never even lost my yarmulke.

So were you just shooting around?

No, I played pickup, and I met some really cool locals,

and they found out that we run the Woodstone B and B,

and they were so into it.

Are we, like, local celebrities?

Hey, so listen,

Micah mentioned that they might want to come over

tomorrow and watch the game.

Oh, Micah's kind of like their leader.

-The leader? -Uh...

boss? They work together?

I don't know, anyway, would that be cool?

Well, it sounds to me like somebody made some friends.

Good for you for putting yourself out there.

Come on, babe, it's not that big of a deal.

Yeah, what are you, his mom?

No, it's just, it's been harder on Jay.

We both left our friends in the city,

but I have all you guys to talk to.

And I know that sometimes he must feel left out.

[chuckles] Yeah, like now could be one of those times.

Oh, sorry, I just...

[laughs] Exactly.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Morning, roomie.

Another beautiful day in eternity.

How is this my death?

Happy three-month roommate anniversary.

But didn't you just wish me

a happy quarter-year anniversary yesterday?

Well, yeah, that's because months and quarters

don't always line up exactly.

Isn't the calendar so fun?

Pete, you're a great guy,

and maybe it's living in the same room together now...

What's wrong, little buddy?

It's just, the relentless cheeriness, it's a lot.

Okay, so you want me to be less cheery?

Like, all the time?

No, no, no, just when I'm awake.

Okay.

Well, that sounds like a super fun challenge.

[sighs]

[men shouting, clamoring]

[all groaning][whistle blows on TV]

Wow, this place is huge.

How many bedrooms did you say it was?

It's, like, nine.

-Mm. -My wife inherited it,

and then we moved up from the city

to turn it into a B and B.

Beautiful place like this must be booked wall-to-wall.

Eh, we do okay, but it's a new business.

We've had some setbacks.

Damn, check out the hottie.

Oh, yes, she is delect...

Oh, wait, I don't have to pretend anymore.

That's nice.

Well, Jay, I, uh, I have a philosophy,

born out of basketball.

This is exciting.

He doesn't share this with everybody.

So, at the beginning of every pickup game,

each team has a choice: take the ball first or choose direction.

-Most people take the ball. -JAY: Well, yeah.

You want to make sure you get off to a good start.

MICAH: But what about the sun? What about the wind?

Ball goes away,

direction... lasts forever.

Interesting.

I got a funny feeling about this guy.

Right? I've got tingles.

MICAH: Jay, you chose direction

with this B and B.

You chose to focus on the long run,

but wouldn't it be nice to have direction and ball?

[chuckles] So nice.

Jay, let me show you something.

What is that?

This is ball.

[sighs]

Yes! Yes!

Sam, we got a problem.

These "friends" of Jay's-- and I hesitate to say this

because the one is very hot--

but they got to go.

What are you talking about?

They're into some pyramid scheme.

They're working for this company that's selling

these vitamin patches,

and they're trying to recruit Jay

-to sell them, too. -Vitamin patches?

It's like modern-day snake oil.

The cure-all elixir that gives you vim, vigor and verve?

What's the problem here?

Sam, if Trevor's saying even the hot one has to go,

we have to take him seriously.

That is alarming, but I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.

Samantha, if Jay truly is being offered

a snake oil opportunity,

one must at least entertain the notion.

We're not buying snake oil,

or whatever it is -they're selling. -Oh, all right,

I guess you could press your own snakes,

but you're going to have to move the rugs.

Hey, I brought snacks.

Oh, where'’s Jay?

He's giving Micah a tour.

It's really exciting that he's getting one-on-one time

with Micah so soon.

It took me six months,

but then, I don't have a mansion.

Yeah, Norm doesn't have a lot of things:

self-esteem, a mother that loved him,

a filter when it comes to sharing personal details.

Norm, you're being really negative.

Do you think you need to re-patch?

-No, I'm okay. -Norm, re-patch.

-Okay. -Thank you.

Hot and bossy.

Okay, she can stay. But the rest have to go.

Okay, so... [clears throat]

what is the deal with these patches?

They're a proprietary blend of vitamins and nutrients

that enhance one's quality of life.

Okay.

So is that, like, based in science, or...

The recipe came to Micah in a dream.

Yeah, they helped alleviate Norm's back acne.

He mentioned that several times.

And are you guys, like, in a company?

Are you working together or...

I mean, we don't like to use the term company.

It's more of a collective.

We work together, live together.

Live together?

Okay, this is weirder than a pyramid scheme.

That's because it's not a pyramid scheme.

It's a cult.

You're saying Jay accidentally joined a cult?

Well, he's not in yet, but it's looking good.

This is just perfect-- Jay finally makes some friends

up here and they turn out to be in a cult.

Sam, this is a good thing.

He's gonna make lifelong friends.

He's not joining a cult, Flower.

Well, what if he wants to?

Trust me, he doesn't.

Okay, well, be careful,

because sometimes when a family member asks someone

to choose between them and the cult,

they choose the cult.

I just...

I'm worried about Jay's feelings getting hurt.

There don't seem to be many fun people our age

up in this town, and he seemed like he was so excited.

Jay just meet these people.

-He'll get over it. -Mm.

Sam, this guy Micah's incredible.

I mean, I've never met anyone like him.

Or he'll be crushed.

Either way, it's something to watch.

He just has this great perspective on life.

It's a cult, Jay.

He's in a cult. He's the cult leader.

What are you talking about?

Flower told me, she recognized all the signs.

Oh, Flower?

The one who asked you what your name was yesterday,

a year after we moved in?

Okay, well, that's not nice to point out.

I want to say...

...Larry?

Jay, come on.

They all live together in some weird collective.

And Micah came up with the formula for the patch

in a dream.

-That's so cool. -JAY: Yeah, okay,

so he's a bit hippie-dippie, I'll give you that,

but you don't know him yet.

Plus, lots of people live together.

Your favorite show, Friends.

That's about a bunch of people who live together.

They actually live in three different apartments.

It was four.

Ross have own place with Marcel, the monkey.

-Oh. -You know what?

I'm not debating Friends with you, okay?

I really like Micah

and I hoping you'd give him a chance.

He's helping us out, big-time.

-What do you mean? -The patches.

He gave us ten boxes for free

to sell on consignment.

Jay, you do not want to be

-in business with this guy. -Babe,

the patches really work.

How do you know?[short chuckle]

'Cause I'm patched in, baby.

Yay! Larry's in!

Hey, Pete.

Welcome to another day in hell, bitch.

-What? -From now on,

I'm a mean old sourpuss, just like you wanted.

No more smiles, no more compliments,

no more scalp massages while you sleep

-to stimulate your dreams. -Wait,

you massage me while I sleep?

No. I used to.

But that's all over now.

For the rest of eternity, you're rooming with

a joyless, sulking void.

Pete, I don't know what to say.

That you miss friendly old classic Pete now?

No. I like this.

Thanks, buddy.

Son of a B-word.

Screw it. In a way, all major religions are cults.

Who are we to judge these nines and tens?

HETTY: that Micah reminds me

of a stable boy who worked here once.

Some found his live body desirable.

Not me, of course, because I am a lady.

Ooh, yeah, touch those toes.

Hey, Micah.

-Oh, Jay. Hey. -Hey.

Hope you don't mind, I invited a few teammates

here to hang out at your beautiful abode.

Yeah, th-that should be okay.

Look, I know some of you guys live together,

but this is mostly a business,

this patch thing, right?

Yeah. Of course, of course.

It's a business, a community, a way of life.

Okay...

Jay, please stretch, okay? It's important to stay limber.

Especially if you're gonna live forever.

Yeah, and just, uh, when you say "live forever,"

you mean that the patch makes you feel like

you're gonna live forever.

Exactly. Because you can.

What was that?

Oh, he's quite insane.

Jay, how old do you think I am?

Uh, I don't know, man.

Um, 35?

I'm 742 years young.

And you look great.

Uh, Flower, you got a sec?

I wanted to ask you about what you said earlier

about how sometimes people choose a cult over their family.

I kinda got a sense there was more to that story.

I don't really want to talk about it.

I understand.

Hey, Flower.

Oh, hey, Alberta. -What's up? -Girl!

You were just telling me the story about

you choosing your cult over a family member.

The one about my brother? Where was I?

-At the beginning. -Right.

Okay, well, back when I was in the cult,

my brother showed up, and he tried to get me

to come home.

So the cult banned him from the property

and barred me from ever speaking to him again.

If only he'd never tried to get me out of that cult.

Well, it sounded like your brother was

just trying to protect you.

Maybe you should be angry at the people who made you

choose between them and your own family.

You mean the cult?

-Yes, Flower. -Huh.

Nobody ever talks about a cult being in the wrong.

I feel like people do.

Sam, it is a full-blown cult.

Now he figures it out.

Why didn't he just listen to you in the first place?

Sometimes men very stubborn,

like when Ross claim to read Rachel's letter

instead of just admit he fall asleep.

JAY: This is bad.

He said he was 742 years old.

Sounds young to me.

It's okay, just calm down.

Okay, we'll tell Micah he has to leave,

and then we can put this whole thing behind us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be rash.

Trevor, they're a cult.

Yes, but this could be a Heaven's Gate situation.

Sam, I'm just saying if things break the right way,

we could be looking at some sexy new ghosts.

-Let's go. -Please.

I heard them talking about something called

"the final patch."

That sounded promising.

Hey, hey, whoa.

-What is all this? -They're moving in.

We're moving in. [chuckles]

Where do you want this, Micah?

Oh, I'm upstairs on the left with the wives.

[grunts] This ain't gonna be good for business.

No, no, no, no, all of you have to leave.

Yeah, we're not gonna do that. Jay, do you remember

this very long bill of lading

that accompanied the box of patches that I gave you?

Oh, yeah, I remember that it was very long.

And remember that you signed it

and I gave you a receipt?

-Oh, come on. -Jay...

Well, buried in the fine print was a clause

that allowed us to move in in exchange for the patches.

See? Right there.

Oh, come on, man, that is so tiny.

That is a very underhanded business maneuver.

Tip of my cap to you, sir.

You all have to leave or we are gonna call the cops.

We have a signed contract.

Dude, this is insane.

What's your plan? You're just gonna squat

-in our house forever? -Of course not. No.

The lease explicitly says it's for no longer

than one trillion years.

So after that we'll be out of your hair.

Oh, thank God.

I thought they were gonna be here forever.

So the good news is the lawyer says we are in the right,

and the contract will never hold up.

-ALL: Yes! -Huzzah!

But it's going to take months

and thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Months?

We can't run a B and B with a cult living here.

We'll be driven out of business.

Pete, please just tell us everything is gonna be okay.

We really need some of your Pinecone Trooper

can-do spirit right now.

No can do, Sam.

I've changed. I'm dark now.

Because life is meaningless and full of suffering.

-What'd he say? -Nothing helpful.

There actually is one foolproof way

to break up a cult, and it's so easy.

-I'm not sleeping with Micah. -Cool.

Thanks for the update.

It was something Flower suggested.

Nothing breaks up a cult faster

than an outsider sleeping with the leader.

Great. Does anybody else have an idea?

Samantha, just talk to them.

As a delegate to the Second Continental Congress,

I partook in difficult negotiations.

But through dialogue,

we found interests that aligned.

Yes, if a bunch of white male landowners

can find common ground, then anything is possible.

Exactly. Point is, I don't think they want

a protracted legal fight either.

That's true.

Maybe they will listen to reason.

Oh, sure, 'cause cults are famously reasonable.

Not loving the new Pete.

[cheering on TV]

Uh, what are ya'll doing?

I'm watching TV with Alana, and Flower's third-wheeling it.

Trevor, that girl don't even know you're there.

Listen, Flower,

I had an idea.

Why don'’t we look up your brother?

I mean, we don't know, maybe he's still alive.

Oh, no.

After I got out of the cult,

I heard he'd been killed in Vietnam, so...

Oh, Flower, you poor girl.

Yeah, Flower, I'm so sorry.

I wish I'd been there to convince him not to go.

He spent his whole life protecting me

and the one time my big brother needed protecting,

I wasn't there for him.

He was MIA.

MIA?

Murdered in action.

Flower, MIA means "missing in action."It does?

It's also the airport code for Miami, where I spent

some baller weekends.

KIA is "killed in acion."

Wait, so you're saying he might still be alive?

Well, going missing in a war is not a great sign.

And even if he made it out, he may be dead by now.

But you're saying there's a chance?

-You want me to look him up? -Look up who?

-Your brother! -Oh, what about him?

Child, just look him up.

I'll look him up.

[flatulence]

I love how comfortable she feels around me.

JAY: So what do you say?

We can avoid months of headache and cost,

And you could just clear out now.

Nah, we're good. I mean, what's a few months

when we're gonna live forever?

Oh, why would anyone want to live forever?

Tell me about it.

Wait a minute.

Excuse me?

Have you ever thought about

what living forever -would actually mean? -ALANA: Of course.

It's gonna be amazing.

[scoffs] I mean, in theory, yeah.

But for one thing, you're gonna get sick of each other.

[ghosts affirming]

At least they get to change their itchy shirts.

A small price to pay for the gift of eternity.

Okay, but if you give me a minute,

some other specifics as to why it sucks

will come to me.

-Sunsets no longer very nice. -Mm.

THORFINN: Same thing over and over.

Oh, yeah. Yes.

Eternity take what was once beautiful

and turn into nothing.

Oh, sunsets, what about those?

I mean, right now they're beautiful,

but in, like, a thousand years,

you'll have seen so many, they will just be boring.

Look, whatever you're trying to do,

it's not working.

-Nothing is gonna break us apart. -So, what--

you just want to waste months in court

when you're gonna end up getting kicked out anyways?

By then, you'll be one of us.

We're not going anywhere.

So, unless you have anything else to say,

We'll be hearing from your lawyers

and seeing you in the hallway.

I slept with Micah.

[chuckles]

Micah would never sleep with you.

You're an outsider.

Well, it's true, and I am sorry

if that drives a wedge.

Wait, is this true?

I am so proud of you, Sam.

He talked about how forbidden it was the whole time,

which only made it hotter, he said.

This woman is lying to you, guys.

Okay? You got to believe me.

I would never sleep with anyone but your wives.

Tell them you know about the moles on his right buttock.

Trust me.

Um, he has some moles on his right butt cheek.

That's just a lucky guess.

Three moles in a crescent formation.

Three moles. They're shaped kind of like a crescent.

[gasps] She knows about the Dots of Destiny?

You watch him change or something?

No further questions.

You promised you wouldn't sleep with an outsider.

And if you lied about that, what else are you lying about?

Yeah, now I'm starting to question

this whole immortality thing.

Like, do we even get -our own planets? -Well?

-It's working, Sam. -MICAH: Guys, guys, I did not sleep with her.

Everybody's getting their own planets,

my bodily fluids still cure the common cold.

This was a test.

It was a test, and you all passed.

Oh, it was another test.

Like when we looked you up online

and it said you were -born in 1990. -Exactly.

And let this be a reminder

that I can test you at any moment.

So let's leave this place

and put this toxic non-believer behind us.

No! Alana, wait. Just wait... Alana.

Oh, can eternity get any worse?

[cries out]

You sorta teed that one up.

And just so you know, Jay,

I thought you were really cool and good at basketball.

Aw. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

[clears throat] But I don't want to.

Mm. Marriage. [laughs]

That's the real cult.

I thought you said this wasn't a cult.

-It was another test, Norm. -Oh.

MICAH: And you failed it.

What's going on?

Nothing. Uh, just looking at a stupid sunset.

Certainly not getting any enjoyment out of it.

Okay, look, just go back to being yourself, buddy.

Why?

All that talk about eternity earlier made me realize

that maybe eternity's gotten to me, a little.

It's gotten to all of us. Except, somehow, to you.

[short chuckle] How do you do it?

First of all, I haven't been around

as long as you have, and I don't know,

I try to stay positive, you know?

Sure, sunsets get

a little repetitive, but...

every once in a while, one knocks your socks off.

And that's what keeps you looking.

Probably sounds a little corny.

[short chuckle] That sounds very corny.

SAM: Hey, Flower, do you have a minute?

Sure, man.

So, Alberta and Trevor told me all about your brother.

-Sam looked him up. -He's still alive, Flower.

Robbie's alive? He's AIA?

SAM: Yeah. And I hope you don't mind, but

I emailed him and I told him that I was in the cult with you.

And I said your biggest regret was

not making up with your brother.

So, I just got an email back. You want to hear it?

No, I've heard them before.

They just sound like "b-ding!"

You know what, why don't you just read it?

"Dear Moon Cow"?

I couldn't think -of a cult name. -No,

that's actually really good.

You're a total Moon Cow.

"Dear Moon Cow. Thank you so much

"for reaching out.

"All these years, I thought my little sister

"died hating me.

"To learn that she didn't fills me with a great peace.

"She was the kindest person I've ever met,

"and I loved her so much.

"I wish I had told her more often in this world,

"But maybe I'll get a chance to in the next.

Forever grateful, Rob."

And that, my friend, is why I still look at sunsets.

Thanks, Moon Cow.

That's groovy.

That's really, really groovy.

No, don'’t...

And I'm stoned. [laughs]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org