Original subtitles

[Jay] Okay, how's this for a slogan?

"Woodstone mansion: Your one-stop shop for events and sleeping over,

followed by breakfast the next morning"?

That's not a slogan, that is a description of a b and b.

- What do you think? - Maybe...

She does not like that.

What do you mean? She said "maybe."

You poor, simple brute.

"Maybe" means she hates it and she's letting him down easy.

Mm, I've been using that for years.

Told al Capone that every time he invited me

to the hotsy totsy club.

Well, what do we have here?

Oh, we're just working on the website for the bed-and-breakfast.

Still? Good god, it's not the magna carta, Sam.

- Chop, chop. - The ghosts are in here.

Oh, I assume they're everywhere.

That's why I shower with a bathing suit.

[Laughs] That's true. It's got little duckies on it.

Okay, all right. I think we're just overthinking this.

It doesn't need to be groundbreaking.

Some pics, some directions, a way for people to pay us money.

No, no, Jay. This website is our first impression to the world.

Okay, fine. I'll just let you handle it, but please get it done

'cause we need this place to open soon, so we can earn a living.

I know.

Or we need to find another valuable ghost watch,

but you are taking it off the next corpse.

[Laughs] Oh... what is my life even?

You know,

I can actually recite a great deal of the magna carta

if anybody's interested.

It might be a fun way to pass the time.

Maybe...

[Chuckles]

- That means no. - [Alberta laughs]

[Theme music playing]

[Jay] Come on, that's not a foul.

No way. That's just good defending.

Pete agrees and says it was just good defending.

You see? Pete gets it.

Literally the perfect guy to watch a game with,

aside from the fact that I can't see him or hear him.

But we don't let that stop us.

Pete says you don't let that stop you.

So, since you're here,

I'm assuming you finished the copy for our website.

Pete says, "good hustle on the backboards,"

and he wants to talk about that.

Good hustle on the backboards? What does that even mean?

Sam, Pete would never say that nonsense. You're stalling,

and you need to get that cute little gummy bear butt

back in the office and finish our website.

Is it gummy bears or butts you have a thing for?

I don't have to choose.

Seriously, Pete and I will be fine without you.

You sure? Pete?

Yeah, we'll be fine. I think.

Pete and I can sit here in comfortable silence.

[Sighs] Okay, well, I guess I will leave you to it.

Okay. Love you.

Love you.

Oh! Damn! Pete, did you see that?

Let's do the thing.

Ooh! Ooh! Here we go.

[Grunting]

[Both grunting]

[Both imitate rifle racking]

[Both kiss]

[Laughs]

Did we nail it? 'Cause I feel like we nailed it.

Oh, we nailed it. I think, deep down, you know we nailed it.

[Sighs] Yup, no idea.

[Exhales]

[Dog barking]

-How's it coming? —uh...

Uh, working.

Working or watching YouTube videos of dogs

being reunited with their owners?

[Sighs] He was stationed in Guam for three years,

but argus still recognized him right away.

- Hmm. - Okay, okay.

Fine. I'm totally stuck.

Well, look, I get it. Storyteller back in my day.

[Chuckles] It was an oral tradition,

but I liked to put my own spin on things,

and sometimes the inspiration wasn't coming so fast.

You do get it. [Chuckles] Writing's the worst.

I should've listened to my mom and done something safer,

like go to law school.

My dad was the same way.

When I told him I wanted to be a storyteller,

he didn't think it was a good idea.

What if you don't have the gift?

I always wanted to be a storyteller,

but I didn't have the gift.

I don't want you to go through that disappointment.

Yeah, I want to try. I think I have it in me.

Maybe try something safer,

like hunter or warrior?

Yeah. Great.

Across cultures and centuries, parents still find a way

to put their own crap on us, huh?

Sam, how dare you disrespect my father like that?

I was kidding. Man, you're fun to mess with. [Laughs]

Hey, maybe I'm overstepping,

but I literally have nothing to do, ever, so...

Do you want some help?

Seriously? [Chuckles] That would be amazing.

- Thank you, sass. - All right.

Well, let's get started, then.

Great. Yeah.

Right after we watch this elderly lady's corgi

welcome her back from six weeks in the icu.

Aw, look at the stubby little legs.

Oh, my god, pass the ball!

Who does he think he is, pistol Pete maravich? [Chuckles]

I assume you saw that, Pete.

If you're even still here.

Of course I saw it, and I made a very pithy comment.

Ugh, this is frustrating.

I can talk basketball with you, Pete.

Oh, that's very sweet, flower, but you don't need to do that.

No, seriously. I grew up playing.

I had three older brothers.

Oh, that sounds nice, but Jay and I have a whole shorthand, you know.

It's kind of our thing. We don't just talk basketball with anyone.

All right, I'll be back tomorrow with those baseboards.

Oh, Syracuse, nice. They're looking good this year.

- You're a fan? - —love college ball.

What is happening?

Aw, they're connecting.

You want to hang out and watch the game?

I'm supposed to help my wife with turbotax today, so...

Hell yeah, let's do this.

Okay, well, there's not really room on the couch. [Groans]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

- —Sam! Sam! - Oh, it hurts so much!

[Sasappis] Okay. So, from these other hotel websites

you've shown me, it seems like these things

are generally pretty dry and boring.

Exactly, and I really want us to stand out.

- Ooh, ooh! I have an idea. - What, what, what?

What if the website is written from the perspective of a tree?

- A tree? - Yeah.

Who's been on the property for hundreds of years.

It's sort of like how us ghosts have been here for a long time

and seen all kinds of change.

Oh, he's like the narrator.

It's very clever. [Gasps] Ooh, ooh, ooh,

and we'll call him... wait for it... Woody, 'cause he's a tree.

What do you think? Do you like it?

Maybe... [chuckles]

Did you just "maybe" me?

Maybe.

- Ah... and one! Yeah! - That's what I'm talking about!

[Mocking] That's what I'm talking about. [Scoffs]

Pete, why did you bring us in here?

Because Jay brought a friend

into what used to be our special thing and...

Guess what, Jay. I got friends too.

You know he can't even hear us. Is the plan to make him jealous?

No, no. The plan is to have fun with my ghost bros.

Right? Ah! Okay.

Uh, hey, Thor. You like hoops, right?

What is hoops?

Seriously? It... basketball?

The hoop is the basket the ball goes in.

Thor like putting head of Dane in basket. Give basket to Dane's mother.

[Laughs] Surprise!

Very funny.

I love hoops. I dated a Knicks city dancer once.

Okay, this is not the kind of sports talk that Jay and I do.

We talk strategy and basketball history.

I don't remember this game. When was it invented?

1891 in Springfield, Massachusetts.

Another beer? Come on.

Massachusetts? Well, it must be a game for simpletons.

[Laughs]

No, there-there were some nice people there,

but certainly a lesser colony.

Okay, this isn't working. I-I tried, but you guys

just aren't Jay when it comes to classic basketball hangs.

- You can leave. - Oh, thank god.

[Thorfinn grunts]

Well, hey, I can stay and watch with you, Pete.

What's the point? This is a bust.

[Samantha] We literally can't open the hotel

until this website is up and running, so we better figure something out.

A lot of people would argue that we did figure this out two hours ago.

Oh, my god. Are you trying to bring up the tree thing again?

- It's hilarious. - Yeah, it just...

It seemed sort of familiar.

Oh, and "make our home your home" is truly groundbreaking.

[Chuckles] Hey, you two. Uh, would you come in here a second?

You know what? Yes, please, bring them into this.

Oh, happy to help.

Well, we are just, uh, running into some slight creative disagreements.

[Sasappis] Because the only one of us with the physical ability to type

refuses to recognize a genius idea when she hears one.

I think it's clear what the problem is here.

You are both creative talents, and you each think you're always right.

[Alberta] Yeah, you two working together is like

fats mcginty and slow eyes Billy Walker working together.

[Both chuckle]

They were two people who always thought they were right,

but in the end it all worked out.

How?

Fats had Billy thrown into a vat of acid.

But after that, he didn't have to worry about him at all.

[Laughs]

You know what? [Chuckles]

- Maybe we just shouldn't work together. - Maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe...

- [Alberta and Hetty] Ooh... - —[Scoffs]

Flower, I'm sure I'll regret this, but are you all right?

[Sighs] Well,

I wanted to watch the basketball game with Pete,

but he only wants to watch with stupid boys.

I love basketball.

Is that surprising?

Um, a little,

but I do know how much you enjoy being disheveled and sweaty,

so that's not a far cry.

I played in high school.

One game, I had 20 points in the first half,

but then I didn't score any after that

'cause I got super high at halftime with our point guard.

I mean, we got some really good stuff, man.

[Laughs] Wait, what were we talking about?

Basketball, but then it veered wildly off course.

Right. Yeah, I...

I thought that after the sexual revolution...

- Mm-hmm. Here we go. - That this stuff would get better.

That women would really be equal, but now it's 50 years later,

and Pete isn't treating me like an equal at all.

Flower,

I spent far too long forgiving the sins of men in my lifetime.

I see no reason why we need to put up with it in the afterlife.

Do not just sit there and take being disrespected by a man.

Do something about it.

Talk to Peter.

Damn, Hetty, are...

Are you a feminist now?

Well, as long as it doesn't mean supporting women

handling money or riding bicycles, then,

yeah, I think I am a feminist.

[Chuckles]

[Thorfinn] So... You going to type something?

It seem you just sitting there for long time.

I'm thinking, Thor.

Thinking is a very important part of writing.

When you pillaged a village, did you just run in?

No, you planned it out first.

[Laughs] Never think. Because once start thinking,

then feel very bad for murdering everyone.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best example.

- I'm gonna get a snack. - Yes!

I will come smell your snack.

Great.

[Whispers] Trevor, let's go.

She left the laptop unattended.

I really don't feel good about this. Why are we doing this?

Because Sam has no artistic vision.

Okay, all she needs is to see my ideas actually typed out,

and then she'll get it.

Damn it, she closed the file.

No problemo, t-money is on it. Which one is it?

- Uh... that one right there. - Okay.

[Straining]

Oh. Oh.

What was that?

I think I put it in the trash.

- What? What is the trash? - [Shushes]

[Deep breath]

[Straining]

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"? Why "uh—oh"?

Maybe that was a good "whoosh." Maybe it flew back.

I think I just deleted the b and b website.

- What? - Oh, yeah, it's gone.

No, no. She's been working on that for weeks.

It's the final piece standing between them opening the b and b and financial ruin.

- It's... - I told you it's really an imperfect gift.

[Stammers] Get it back.

I don't know how.

Oh, we are in so much trouble.

- Run? - Run.

[Pete] Thank god. I thought Mark would never leave.

Watching basketball with Mark was so fun.

You guys really hit it off, huh?

You forget what it's like to hang out with somebody

who you can talk to and see.

Why don't you take the arrow out of my neck

and plunge it into my back?

[Jay] I hate to ask,

but how's the copy for the website coming?

Well, you know, I have made some progress, but there's still a ways to go.

- Great. Let me see. - [Samantha] Okay.

[Chuckles] That's weird.

- What? - The file's gone.

Ugh, man. These two might want to rethink taking on a business.

What do you mean, gone?

- I mean, it's not there, Jay. - Well, it's in the cloud.

Sam, you back up to the cloud, right?

I was trying to save money, so I declined the two-dollar-a-month

cloud storage thing.

That's where we cut back?

What's the cloud?

Cloud is in sky. Today look like dragon.

Uh, we can explain.

- Trevor deleted the website. - What the...?

- What? - What happened?

Sass wanted me to type in his stupid tree stuff into the file,

and that is the only reason I was even messing with it.

Trevor and sass accidentally deleted the entire website.

What? We've been working on that for weeks.

I'm so sorry, Sam. I just wanted to get something down,

and now I've ruined everything.

Well, you know, these things happen.

Ghosts deleting the website that we need to start our business?

[Laughs] That happens?

Sorry, I'm gonna have to push back on that, Sam.

I mean, they seemed really sorry.

I-I guess we just delay

the opening until we have time to redo the website.

Anyways, thanks for telling me.

"Thanks for telling me"?

What are you doing?

Yell at them. Yell at the ghosts.

It was an accident, Jay.

Okay, we don't need this to delay us. We'll just slap something together

and get it up and running, so we can start taking reservations.

No, it needs to be right. It needs to be perfect.

Once this website goes live,

that's it, we are open. There's no turning back.

But isn't that what we wanted?

That's why we quit our jobs and moved up here.

Exactly, and if this b and b isn't a success,

then I dragged us all the way here and I made us turn our lives

upside down for nothing. Don't you get that?

- There she goes. - Ugh.

Classic Sam storm-off.

Hey, Pete. Got a sec?

I kind of just want to be alone right now if that's okay.

- Yeah, well, it's not. - What?

You really bummed me out today, man.

You're all like,

"Jay won't talk to me, wah, wah, wah!"

And the whole time, I'm sitting there

waiting to be the Bob cousy to your bill Russell.

How do you know about them?

That's what I've been trying to tell you, man.

I mean, yeah, I'm a girl and I'm into other groovy stuff,

but I know basketball.

The pick and roll. The give and go.

This is not something I was aware of.

Because you judged a book by its cover.

I even played in high school, and I fouled out of every game, Pete,

because I am very aggressive.

I mean, I'm all for world peace, but if you reach, I will teach.

- I got sharp elbows, man. - Wow.

I'm sorry, flower.

I guess I got so caught up being frustrated with Jay for ditching me

that I didn't realize I was ditching you.

Apology accepted.

I'm so glad this whole thing with Mark happened.

It really opened my eyes.

Me, too.

And, hey, every once in a while,

someone comes along who changes the game.

I mean...

[Mark's a regular George mikan, right? Uaughs]

[Laughs] Who's that?

George mikan? Premier center of the '40s and '50s.

- You seriously don't know him? - —[Stammers]

They created the goaltending rule 'cause of him.

I... I thought you said you liked basketball.

No, I do. I love basketball. I love... I love basketball.

[Stammers] Name someone else, please.

Okay. Maurice Stokes? Tom gola?

Oh, my god. Well, this is embarrassing.

Jack twyman?

Okay, maybe one more.

Okay, I can see I have a lot of work to do.

- Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow. - Mm-hmm.

- Let's go back to the beginning. - Okay.

- Springfield, mass, 1891. - Uh-huh.

Dr. James naismith was looking for a winter sport

for his ymca students.

I see now what was going on.

You didn't want to finish the website because then the b and b is real.

It's just, right now there's hope,

but once we open, if it doesn't work, then that's that.

Well, that's fear of failure,

and I get it because I used to suffer from it too.

Oh, come on. You're like the most confident person I've ever met.

I am now.

Remember how I told you my dad was worried about me becoming a storyteller?

You know, worried that I would fail like he did?

- Yeah, I remember. - Well, the truth was, he got in my head.

All his worry transferred onto me, and when it was finally the week

of the fall harvest ceremony,

where I was supposed to tell stories for the first time,

I got scared.

I don't want to go.

You're right. What if I'm not good?

There's something you need to know.

That was about me, not you.

I didn't have the gift,

but you do.

I know because I've watched you your whole life.

I'm giving you this eagle feather.

It represents bravery and courage.

It'll give you the strength you need.

Thank you, father.

And now I give it to you.

It's scary spreading your wings to try something new,

but you can do this.

- What was that? - —uh, it's a ghost feather,

so it kind of just zaps right back into place,

but symbolically it's yours.

Thanks, sass.

What happened when you finally got to story-tell?

[Sighs] Well, I... actually never did.

I died before I got the chance to.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Ah, it's okay. It wasn't meant to be.

Well, did you ever tell your stories to the ghosts?

No, they're all wrapped up in their own stuff,

and the important thing is,

I've now passed this feather onto you,

symbolically, which we've already established,

so go, make it work for you.

Thanks.

Hey, babe, um...

So, I just want you to know that, no matter what...

Sasappis actuallyjust helped me have this whole emotional breakthrough,

so everything's fine now. [Chuckles]

Oh. Nice.

Well, just let the record state that I was here for you.

- Thanks, babe. - I had a whole speech planned.

- You're the best. - Darn ghosts. Always stealing my thunder.

Babe, this is great, and I love the part about the tree.

That's so smart.

Well, I had a little help from my friend.

So, are we opening the bed—and-breakfast officially?

Well, bring on the unwashed masses.

And congratulations, Samantha.

Okay.

I think it's time for this puppy to go live.

Once we launch this, we'll start getting reservations,

and real live people—- no offense to present company—-

are gonna start coming here in four short weeks. Are you ready?

No, but I guess you got to sink or swim sometime, right?

Here we go.

And we are... live. [Clicks]

Ooh.

Do we have any reservations yet?

It's been four seconds, babe.

Right, right, yeah, so not a total failure...

- [Both chuckle] - Yet.

Ooh. Game's almost on.

Big east championship.

The big east was a college basketball conference, Pete.

- Yes, thank you, flower. - [Jay] Huh.

- It's not working. - Hmm.

Something must be wrong with the TV.

But with the TV not working, what will we do for entertainment?

Hmm, that is an excellent question.

Is anyone here a gifted storyteller?

Oh, come on. Are you guys serious?

We don't want to pressure you, but if you regale us with story,

it would bring us great honor.

You did this, didn't you?

Maybe...

[Chuckles] Okay.

- Yes! - [Overlapping chatter]

- Here we go. - Stories!

I don't know why I'm nervous. I mean, you all are idiots.

You got this. Just, uh, imagine us all in our underwear.

- I wish I was wearing underwear. - We all do, Trevor.

[Sasappis] Okay.

Here we go.

[Sighs deeply]

[Whispers] He's going for it.

This first one is a lenape tale

about the Turkey, the turtle, and the wolf.

They say that there are three persons,

or human-like animals,

that started the lenape...

J“ don't be shy j“

j“ just let your feelings roll on by j“

j“ don't wear fear j“

j“ or nobody will know j“

j“ you're there j“

j“ just lift your head... j“

a running start and flew.

Oh, the Turkey's gonna fly. This isn't gonna go well.

What happened to the turtle?

[Howls] Howling at his friends on the other side.

J“ just let your feelings roll on by j“

j“ on by, on byj'

j“ on by, on by, on by j“

j“ on by, on byj'

[laughter]

J“ on by, on by... j“

it goes to show

that us ghosts and the livings

are more connected than we realize.

Yes!

- [Thorfinn] Yes! - [All cheering]

J“ love is where j“

j“ all of us belong j“

[thorfinn] Yes!

Is favorite story that does not involve killing Danes.