Original subtitles

[Jay] Wow, we really pulled this place together.

Do you think Kenny and Liz will like it?

I hope so. And I hope Liz grams the hell out of this wedding

for her 300,000 followers.

Oh, I know I've made fun of her social media,

but now that it could help us launch our bed-and-breakfast,

we are the ones who are #blessed.

- [Jay chuckles] - Oh, this is lovely!

I hope these nuptials go better than mine.

Elias arrived late, drunk, and smelling of the maid's perfume.

Hetty, why would you marry that guy?

My father needed to close a land deal, and I was deemed his most comely daughter.

Damn Margaret and her mustache. She dodged a bullet.

Hey, you got a minute?

Something I need you to see.

Those are always expensive words to hear.

Oh, Mark, is it bad news?

This could actually be good news.

Well, I'll bring a check for five grand just in case.

No need. I have your card on file now.

Great.

[Mark] So, I was doing some rewiring,

and when I turned this sconce, I heard a click from that wall.

Check this out.

[Lock clicks]

- [Hetty gasps] - [Creaking]

And that's when I discovered something behind this paneling.

Is it a secret passageway? Don't toy with my emotions, Mark.

It's never a secret passageway.

But in this case, it is.

- How about that mislead, babe? - Mark's having fun.

Oh! Oh!

- Did you know about this, Hetty? - I did not!

What is down the passageway?

Oh, it's good.

[Jaylaughs]

I don't understand.

So, we just have a bank vault under our house?

Well, you said a robber baron lived here, right?

What? Babe, we might be rich.

Unless, of course, this is a Geraldo situation.

What is Geraldo?

He was this news anchor who did this live TV special

where he opened up a! Capone's vault.

And inside? Bubkes.

Don't get me started on al Capone.

- [Chuckles] That man was clingy. - Can you open it?

Think so.

Course, it'll take a while.

- Won't be cheap. - Mark.

Say the word. Card's on file.

My crooked husband must have built this to embezzle my riches.

Hetty thinks there might be riches inside.

If this thing is filled with gold coins,

I am definitely gonna scrooge mcduck in 'em.

Can one of you walk through the door and see what's in there?

I'll do it. A pinecone trooper's always up for an adventure.

- [Grunts] - Peter!

I've never seen that happen before.

Pete bounced off the vault door.

[Gasps] A surface that's impenetrable to ghosts?

I love it when the mythology gets expanded.

Puny Pete must not be strong enough.

Stand back.

[Shouts]

- —[Ghosts exclaim] - [Thorfinn grunts]

Well, this is mysterious.

[Theme music playing]

Hetty, do you have any idea what combination Elias could have used?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Try 0603.

Try 0603.

- It was our anniversary. - [Jay] 0603.

- [Inhales, grunts] Oh, nope. - [Hetty] Okay.

Fine. Uh, try 1101.

1101?

- The maid's birthday. - [Lock clicking]

01.

- [Grunts] - [Door unlocks]

- Oh, yes! - Ah, that is heavy!

[Grunts, exhales]

Okay.

Damn it!

There's nothing in here.

Aw. No riches.

See, now picture this

but with Geraldo having to vamp for two hours.

[Ghost laughs]

- Sweet lord, I'm finally free. - [All gasp]

Who are all you people? Hetty!

Elias. How are you not rotting in hell?

Good to see you, too.

The ghost of a robber baron just popped out of our safe.

Hey, where's all your gold, man?

Hi! I'm Pete. Nice to meet you. Welcome.

Back, I guess. [Chuckles]

- Welcome back. - Oh, my god.

[Samantha] Is that...?

My corpse? It is. The only thing that kept me company

when I was locked in there for the last 130 years.

Not much of a talker, though.

[Doorbell rings]

That must be Kenny and Liz. I'll get it.

Okay. I'll just stay in here with the corpse and all the ghosts.

I was kidding. Sam, please slow down!

Sam!

So, this is where you've been all this time?

Yes. What did you think when I just disappeared?

Didn't you search for me?

You didn't tell anyone about the vault.

I assumed that you ran off with one of your many floozies.

No. The vault maker locked me in here.

- He left me to suffocate. - Oh.

- His wife and I had grown close. - Oh, god.

And when he finished the vault, there was a debate over payment

and the paternity of his son, but...

- Oh. - Wait, all of you are ghosts?

Yeah, bro. We've all died on the property over the years.

Most people go up, but we just stick around for some reason.

Hi. [Chuckles] I am thorfinn.

- I like herring and... - Wonderful.

Now, how do-eth you, madam?

Really?

Mm-mm. Not happening.

- [Gasps] Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! - [Samantha] Hi!

Oh, I am so excited to be here.

I can't believe we're getting married tomorrow.

[Squeals]

Kenny, did you get that?

Oh! Sorry, the phone wasn't ready.

Uh... [sighs] Okay, this is gonna be a big weekend for us,

so I'm gonna need you to have your phone in your hand at all times, okay?

These two seem like a lot.

Oh, so, who's this little guy?

- [Yips] - Oh, this is Rooney,

our rescue that we rescued.

Oh, my god, Rooney. I follow him.

Uh, Rooney's got, like, 30,000 followers.

What's a follower?

Well, in the cult, it referred to anyone

who'd gotten the tattoo and slept with Bruce.

Are you guys gonna post any pictures while you're here?

Feel free to tag us. #woodstoneb&b.

I absolutely will,

just after the wedding.

Actually on a short social media vacay right now.

- [Rooney yips] - It's part of a brand strategy

to make sure that Liz seems more present for life's big moments.

[Liz] Exactly.

Because life is about what happens when the cameras aren't rolling.

- Kenny, did you get that? - Oh, sorry.

[Chuckles] Damn it.

- Okay, we'll roll it back. - Yeah, yeah.

I still can't believe I didn't ascend into heaven.

I paid the church. There was a contract!

Did you pay for me, too, or was it just a solo trip?

I was a little pinched at the time.

The mill workers had unionized, which I put down violently,

but somebody had to pay for that mob.

That is not a great story.

[Trevor] So, you're an actual robber baron.

I mean, you're, like, really rich, right?

Let me put it to you this way: I ate meat several times a week.

Well, it's not a lamborghini, but that's very cool.

So, did anyone else from our day stick around as a ghost?

He's gonna ask about the maid.

Like, oh, I don't know, say, the maid? Just to name someone randomly.

No, she's no longer here, you syphilitic reprobate.

First off, everybody fun had syphilis, and I don't appreciate that tone.

Well, then maybe you should go back down to your vault

and talk to your withered corpse.

There it is again.

What happened to my obedient wife?

Well, modern women don't just defer to their husbands, Elias,

and I have learned from the living lady of the house

that when she doesn't like something, she says so.

Like when Jay spent $500 on action doll.

[Chuckles] Big mistake.

That living lady is a dangerous influence on you

with her newfangled notions.

[Hetty] She and Jay have simply opened my eyes.

They have a respectful marriage, and you were a terrible husband, Elias.

And my least favorite cousin.

I don't have to stand here and listen to another word of this!

Look, it's not important, but how hot was this maid?

[Elias grunts]

What kind of servant doesn't move out of the way?

[Sighs]

[Breathing heavily]

You want to go into that room and have sex right now?

I... what?

I want you like I've never wanted anyone.

Uh, sorry, I'm married. But that was a much-needed confidence boost.

What are you talking about?

About you hitting on me just now?

You wish.

Wow.

And this is where it all happens.

Wow. The wedding planner was raving about the heritage menu you're doing.

Now, I've never had squab.

What's that like?

I'd say it's like pigeon. It's a lot like pigeon.

Well, I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

[Elias grunts] Oh! Blast it, that hurt.

- [Sighs] - Uh... are you okay?

Yeah.

[Chuckles] I feel real good.

[Chuckles] Oh, great.

Well, i-I'll just show you the sauces.

All I can think about is grabbing your butt.

- What? What is it? What's going on, Jay? - Okay.

I don't know how to tell you this.

- Liz hit on me. - The bride?

Oh, okay.

Wait, what does that mean? You don't believe me?

No, it's just... are you sure this isn't, like, an olive garden situation?

Okay, that waitress definitely hit on me.

What is the olive garden?

It's a restaurant known for its endless breadstick baskets.

- Alberta and sass are here. - Oh, hey.

Endless? How is that even possible?

Jay and I ate there a couple months ago,

and our waitress was refilling our bread basket...

Yeah, and then I said, "no, thank you, or I'll eat 'olive' them."

Olive. Olive garden. [Laughs]

- Tonya laughed for six straight minutes. - Yeah, she works for tips, Jay.

Hey, this is a victory for you.

You have me. You're living Tonya's dream.

Okay, so, what exactly did Liz say?

She said all she could think about was grabbing my butt.

Mm. That little thing?

Wait, seriously? She did hit on you.

Thafsinsane.

Do we tell Kenny? Because if we tell Kenny,

then this wedding probably gets called off, right?

Liz was gonna post about it. This was gonna put us on the map.

But we got to tell him, right?

Yes.

Ugh, why do you have to be so damn irresistible?

Sorry. It's a curse.

[Sighs] Hey, guys.

What's wrong, Samantha?

It has been a day. [Sighs]

[Sighs] Tell me about it. I cannot believe Elias is back.

Till death do us part. It's right in the vows.

So, why'd you have a bad day, Samantha?

Well, the bride hit on Jay,

and now Kenny's probably gonna call the whole thing off.

-What? —wait, seriously?

Now she's not gonna post pictures of the mansion,

and we're not even gonna get paid for the wedding.

We're, like, this close to defaulting on our loan.

Samantha, what are you saying?

Okay, I hadn't told you guys, but if we don't start making money soon,

we could lose the house.

[Gasps] No, you cannot leave us!

Just when I finally learned to look beyond the hideous pants

and see the wonderful person inside the hideous pants.

You think I want to leave? I don't know what to do.

I have it. Solution.

You and small man kill yourselves.

Become ghosts. And then we are friends forever.

But they might not actually become ghosts.

Right, that's the problem with that plan.

Hello, all. Get your spatterdashes off my table.

I had it upholstered with the hide of a white rhinoceros

I shot in Kenya.

Oh, my god. Those are extinct now.

Really? We got 'em all? Bully for us.

Man, he is evil. And I used to pillage for a living.

- [Rooney yips] - Oh!

That thing ran through my leg. Skin that beast and turn it into a table.

Must everything be a table?

Well, he's really interested in that Teddy bear.

[Thorfinn] Ah! Look at the little guy go.

Good boy. Yes, use your hips.

One walk through you and the dog becomes a sex pervert.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Wait. Elias, did you walk through any livings today?

Like the bride, to be specific?

Yes, in fact, I did accidentally happen through her. Why?

That's it. That's why Liz hit on Jay.

Your ghost power is that when people—-

or animals, apparently-...

Walk through you, they get horny.

Really?

Okay, I know he's controversial, but that's pretty cool.

- Yeah. - It wasn't Liz's fault at all.

She didn't mean to hit on Jay. I've got to stop Jay telling Kenny.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You nearly ruined this wedding.

Those two are hemorrhaging cash. They need this to be a success.

You're saying those livings need this wedding

to go off without a hitch, otherwise they'll be leaving?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Hmm.

Why is he literally twirling his mustache?

It can't be good.

Kenny, hey.

- I've been looking all over for you. - What's up, buddy?

I don't know how to say this. Um...

Okay, y-you know how I'm always getting hit on by random women?

Is this about the cheesecake factory waitress?

There's an entire factory dedicated to cheesecake?

- It's as amazing as it sounds. - [Whispers] Wow.

No, it's not about her.

You know, she probably writes "thank you" with the little heart-shaped os

on every receipt. She works for tips.

Uh, Jay. Can I just, uh, grab you for a sec?

Actually, Kenny and I were just about to have

a difficult conversation.

We were?

Well, no difficult conversations are needed,

because everything is actually okay.

Oh, hey, it's the monopoly guy.

What are you talking about, Sam?

- I'm talking about the fact that... - —[Grunts] Criminy.

- Oh, what are you doing, man? - Just spreading a little love.

Aw, that's sweet.

You two are looking good.

Very good.

Jay? What's going on?

I haven't seen Sam this worked up

since she saw that movie the holiday on TV.

- Sam? - [Grunts] Damnation!

You can't just walk through people. It's the greatest pain there is.

Well, actually...

- Yes, yes, we know. - Okay.

Well, hello, you two.

Did you leave the oven on? Or is it just getting...

Hot in here?

Well, enjoy the show.

[Jay] Hey, Kenny,

didn't you say you didn't have a bachelor party?

Well, how about we have a little party right here?

- What? - I could be Cameron Diaz,

and you two could be a couple of Jude laws.

Okay, that was not in the movie.

- [Meows] - [Kenny] What is that?

Did you just meow at me?

What are you doing? What's going on?

I don't think I'm tall enough to be Jude law. Liz. Liz. Liz!

[Samantha chuckles softly]

What happened? I feel like I just blacked out.

Me, too. I-I have the strangest urge to watch a Nancy meyers movie.

Kenny? What's happening?

These two just propositioned me for a threesome.

They what?

We what?

- It was Elias. - Oh, god.

Uh, there's got to be some kind of misunderstanding.

No. No. Uh, we did proposition Kenny, actually.

- What? - [Jay] Babe.

As a test of your faithfulness.

And guess what. You passed. [Chuckles]

Yep, you passed. Flying colors.

I'm sorry, you two tried to have sex with my Kenny

the day before my wedding?

No. No, god, no.

Oh, my god, no, I would not have sex with Kenny.

But you guys should definitely have sex with each other.

Okay, this is too weird.

Uh, disgusting. We will not be having our wedding here.

No, no, no, don't leave. What about the squab?

- The squab! - [Pete sighs]

You know, a bake sale's a quick way to earn some cash.

Our troop once raised $78 in one week. [Chuckles]

- Thanks, Pete. - What's happening?

The ghosts are pitching ways for us to make money.

- —That's sweet. Any viable ideas? - [Alberta] I have a plan.

But it only works if you have a Tommy gun.

- Not really. - [Trevor] Here's what you do.

You go to New York. You look up this guy I know.

He's gonna double your money. His name, Bernie madoff.

Miracle worker.

I robbed a bank once, if that helps.

- Did I ever tell you guys about that? - —[Ghosts murmuring]

I don't think we're gonna get out of this mess, Sam.

We're up to our ears in debt. This house is our only asset.

I think we're gonna have to sell.

Aw, are the poors gonna have to leave? That didn't take long.

I'd tell you exactly how long,

but unfortunately this thing doesn't work anymore.

You'd think, for $5,000, it would last into the afterlife.

- You spent $5,000 on a watch? - Wait a minute.

If Elias has that valuable timepiece on his ghostly person,

that must mean...

The real watch must be on his corpse.

What about a corpse?

Babe, I need you to do me a quick favor.

Yeah, I don't think I can do this. It's looking right at me.

Babe, he's not looking at you. His eyes are little, withered husks.

That is not having the calming effect that you want it to.

Okay.

Okay. Oh.

I know what pocket he kept it in, but I confess, I'm enjoying this.

[Chuckles]

[Samantha] Guys?

- We got it. - [Thorfinn] Yes!

All right! I bet that's worth a pretty penny in today's dollars.

Definitely enough to keep the bank off our backs for a few months.

Take that, bank.

Yes, I'm sure the bank will be very hurt that you're making timely payments.

So, this means you're not selling the house?

No, sass, we're staying.

We have a few more months to get the business up and running.

Well, I am very happy about that.

Oh, look, Elias,

another opinion. And nothing you can do about it.

You think this is over? That I'm just going to give up?

As long as I'm here, they will never host a wedding

that I don't turn into an all-out orgy.

So just normal wedding?

And I won't stop there. Whatever they host,

I'll make it horny.

Funeral? Horny.

High tea? Horny.

Baptism? Ravenous thrust-fest.

Is this starting to sound good to anybody else?

Why are you doing this?

Because I want you livings out of here.

You have corrupted my Hetty.

No! I haven't been corrupted.

I have changed. A little.

For the better, I think. Let's be honest.

Elias, you and I were not good people.

We stole. We exploited.

We profited off of others' misery.

We did have fun.

But while you were trapped in that vault, I have been out here,

learning from these people.

Learning from alberta to speak my mind and learning from Sam

that the Irish are people, too, apparently.

She says it, but I don't think she believes it.

Yes, I complain about being here,

and yes, I do want to be sucked off more than anything.

But these people have taught me how to be a better Hetty.

And I say there's hope for you, too, Elias.

You're here for eternity.

Why not use it to change?

I don't need to be a better person.

There is no good or evil. That's just a story we tell ourselves.

And I know better.

So, Hetty, get this through your tiny, inferior female brain.

I will never change.

Well, then, you can go to hell.

- [Hetty gasps] - [Elias grunts]

[All scream]

- [Thorfinn] Whoa! - Oh, my god!

He just went down on us.

I didn't know that could happen.

Yeah, I don't love having to worry about that.

Did I... did I just...?

Is that my power, we think? Banishing people to Hades?

Or it was him just yelling he was never gonna change

and basically thumbing his nose at the universe.

That's another possibility.

Well, we should try it out.

- Trevor, go to hell. - [All scream]

Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why would you pick me? What is wrong with you?

Guess not.

- —That was so scary. - Oh, calm down.

I mean, this is just a big day in terms of ghost rules.

So, the floor opens up,

and this guy falls through right in front of you?

That's incredible.

Well, Jay seems awfully gleeful about this new horror

we all have hanging over our heads.

You got to tell me how it happened. I mean, was it hot?

Was there screaming? Was country music playing?

Well, there was screaming,

but I'm pretty sure that was just from our ghosts.

Thor not scream.

Thor not scared of some silly hole in the ground. [Chuckles]

Because Thor working towards being better person.

[Chuckles] Very open to change.

It all happened so fast. It was, like, this red light, suddenly,

and then whoosh.

Mm! He went down on us.

Alberta, I'm not sure that's the best term—-

what? If that's the term that she wants to use,

then she can do it.

Hello, all.

I'm feeling in a good mood,

so you may all remain on this earthly plane tonight.

[Laughs mockingly] So funny.

Hettyjust came in, joking about trying to send Trevor to hell.

Aw, too soon, Hetty.

Trevor, I told you, I knew it wasn't going to work.

I don't actually have that power.

Or do I?

Thorfinn, you're in my seat.

Moving! Yes.

Wasn't comfortable there, anyways.