Original subtitles

[Insects trilling]

[Wheezing softly]

It won't be long now.

At least she's comfortable.

- There's definitely worse ways to go. - Mm, amen.

[Indistinct chatter]

Dysentery was no party.

Shh, I think it is happening.

Ah. I should sing something to ease her transition.

Or perhaps don't make this all about you.

J“ amazing grace j“

j“ how sweet the sound j“

who are you?

I am the ghost of your great-great—grandmother,

Hetty woodstone.

Hi, I'm flower.

I wandered over to your property from a music festival in the '605,

and then I tried to befriend a bear.

Drugs were involved.

I am thorfinn. Uh...

I like herring...

She doesn't need the whole roster.

We are ghosts.

While most spirits pass on to the afterlife,

we are the unfortunate few cursed to spend eternity...

- Oh, and she's gone. - [Disappointed groans]

-Oh, good for her. —so unfair.

She goes up, we stay here.

In Odin's name, why?

Yeah, it's a real drag.

Now what's going to happen to the house?

This house was my pride and joy.

Now it could get sold to god knows who.

Murderers. Perverts.

Irishmen.

Well, there's no use milling about up here.

Shall we go mill about downstairs?

- May as well. - Yeah, sure.

I just hope someone interesting moves in, ya know?

Like a ballplayer, or an astronaut.

Whose life are you guys hoping to watch next?

- [Thorfinn] Oy. - [Hetty] Oh, be quiet.

[Samantha] Oh, my god, this is the house?

Whoa, so... so we just own this now?

- What's the catch? - No, no.

There's no catch. As I explained to your wife on the phone,

her relative passed away and left her this estate.

Great-aunt Sophie. I think I met her when I was a kid,

but I-I thought she died years ago.

No, no, she just passed. But the good news is,

you're her next of kin.

Didn't she have a son?

Well, more good news, he actually did die years ago.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, yeah, that's not, um...

How much do you think we could sell this place for?

Assuming we want to sell.

Uh, yeah, we're not moving into a 300-year-old house

in the middle of nowhere, because that would be...

Right, Sam?

Well, it's just we don't know the facts yet.

Obviously, yes, we're probably going to sell.

Yeah.

- He thinks I'm a little impulsive. - Ah, just a smidge.

Well, there are a limited number of buyers for a property this size, right?

So, you have your bed and breakfast operators...

[Gasps] What if we opened a bed and breakfast?

- —[Laughs] Here we go. - Aren't you sick of the city?

- No. - We work insane hours to live in a shoebox

that we can barely afford, and somebody's offering us a mansion.

Sam, we don't know the first thing about running a b and b.

You're a chef. That's, like, half of the bs right there.

Plus, I can write freelance articles from anywhere,

so we have income while we're getting up and running.

That is an annoyingly strong argument, you have to admit it.

Okay, let's do this.

We haven't seen the place, so we'll go up there for the weekend,

- —and then we'll talk about it. - Yes! Thank you.

- It is a really nice place. - It is.

And it's ours, for free.

There's gotta be something wrong with it.

Babe, it's so charming.

What could possibly be wrong with it?

[Theme music playing]

Okay, so, it's the summer of '98.

My lehman brothers boys and I, we scooped a copter

to beat the traffic out to the Hamptons,

'cause that's how we roll.

Anyway, we're on a list for this very exclusive shindig

at surf lodge in montauk.

Tara Reid's birthday.

- 'Nuff said. So... - Yeah, but,

who is Tara Reid?

Seriously? She was a movie star.

Oh. Silent or talkies, sweetheart?

Uh, what is a movie again?

It's the... it's the play that they project on a screen.

We've been through this.

- [Isaac] When you say "project"... - What is "play?"

God, I hate being the most recently dead.

Anyway, yada yada yada, it was a great night. The end.

Okay.

[Weak applause]

Okay, well, thank you, Trevor, for that talk of the day on partying.

No, it was very high-level partying. You don't get it, so, you know, whatever.

All right, well, tomorrow, of course, is food club,

when Thor will be explaining the subtle differences

between types of COD.

It will be similar to salmon lecture, but more COD focused.

Ooh.

Oh! Oh! It's one of those... How you say... it's a ship on land.

Landship! Landship!

It's not a iandship, you nincompoop.

That's a horseless carriage.

Bro, check out that body.

Slammin'.

Indeed. He'd have made a fine militiaman.

Holy crap.

Beats the hell out of our fifth-floor walkup, huh?

Okay. Yeah, it's impressive,

but can you reach the fridge from your bed?

- I think not. - This air is so clean.

And that guy at the gas station in town.

- What was his name, Carl? - Yeah.

Yeah. He was folksy, right?

I mean, he did call me a woman for wearing

a video game shirt, which doesn't make any sense,

but, yeah, Carl had a certain charm.

[Isaac] They're coming in.

- Let's go. - Whoa!

Ah, geez, not again.

Wait!

[Exhales] Wow.

Okay, this is huge.

And it's all ours.

I got to admit, it would be nice

to have a little bit of space.

Exactly. New York is full of people.

We're never alone.

This must be them.

The new folks that own the house.

Can you believe this place has been in my family

for six generations?

She's a relative of yours, Hetty.

Well, I should hope not, with her exposed knees

and that saucy hairdo.

Wow.

At least it's just the two of them. There's still plenty of room for us.

Yes. Yes. Two people is manageable.

Limited commotion.

No old lady bedridden while disease eats away at her,

but we knew those good times couldn't last forever.

[Pete] You know, a young couple could be really fun to watch.

- Oh, hell yeah, they would. - Okay, Trevor.

Before I forget...

- What is that? - [Jay] Whoa, whoa.

- What are you doing? - This is sage.

- I'm cleansing the space. - [Jay] Oh, come on.

Babe, this is old house 101.

You light this stuff, and it wards off evil spirits.

- [All gasp] - What did she say?

- Does that work? - Do you really believe in that?

Better safe than sorry.

- [Sniffs] It's actually delightful. - [Hetty] Oh.

- Yeah, it's divine. - Oh, lemme hit that.

-[Hetty] I would enjoy an -is that sage or is that her?

- Reminds me of torched village. - Okay, people, people.

There is enough spirit repellant for all of us.

Jay, we have a library.

This place is, like... old school rich.

I know. I did a little research.

Apparently, my ancestors who lived here

were actual robber barons.

Like, cartoon evil, slept-on-a—bed-of-gold types.

I mean, we did that once.

Okay, they actually seem really nice.

They remind me of this couple I was married to

when I was on the commune.

And a little of this couple I was married to

when I was in the cult.

Honestly, it's, like, way more beat up than in any of the pictures.

Excuse me?

It could use a little tlc, but we can fix it up.

Boy, she is really "can do."

I am rooting for these kids.

I cannot help it.

I'm telling you, babe,

this place is going to make an amazing hotel.

[Ghosts gasp]

What is "hotel"?

I'll tell you what a hotel is.

A hotel is our worst nightmare.

Every room in this house filled with people

coming and going.

Sleeping in our beds...

Libertines!

And you don't even want to know about the clutter,

thorfinn, my fastidious viking friend. Ooh!

[Indistinct chatter]

Why? Why?

Trash can right there. [Grunts]

No!

[Shudders] I hate getting walked through.

It's probably the worst pain I can think of.

No, wait, arrow through the neck. That beats it.

Okay, new plan.

Kill them!

Uh, we can't kill them.

Yeah, that's not nice.

No, I mean we don't have the ability.

Can't pick up a gun, can't put their feet in cement

and drop them off a country bridge. [Chuckles]

I went with a bootlegger for a spell. You hear things.

Plus, even if we could physically grapple them,

that husband fellow would overpower us.

I mean, have you seen his shoulders

and that v-shaped back?

In summary, we must do something.

Wait, what... why don't we just try...

Haunfing?

We scare them away. We're ghosts!

- Ooh. - [Flower] Whoa!

Yeah! It's a good plan, right?

Oh, no, sorry, I was just seeing some major trails.

What are we talking about?

This plan of Trevor's fills me with discomfort.

The line between the living and ourselves is one we should respect.

- Who are we to... [cries out] - —[Ghosts groaning]

Found my jacket!

[All clamoring]

-[Cries out] —[Ghosts exclaim]

[Panting]

All right, let's haunt these bastards out of here.

[Cheenng]

[Jay] Hey, boo-boo.

- The water from the tap was disgusting. - Oh.

So, I went to the gas station and I got us some coffee.

- Aw, thank you. - Yeah. Carl says hi,

and he called me a snowflake for wearing flip-flops.

- Classic Carl. - Yeah.

Okay, gun to your head: Canary yellow or lavender mist?

Oh, okay, we're putting up paint. Nice.

Haven't decided if we're staying but we're putting up paint.

You know what? I-I think we should just

knock the whole wall down while we're at it.

Do you think it's load-bearing?

What? What is this? What are you doing?

Do you even know what sound you're listening for?

Not sure, but it makes me feel like Joanna gaines,

and I'm not mad at that.

- Ooh. - Wanna come be my chip, big boy?

Um, yes please.

Wait a minute, why do we only role-play couples from hgtv?

- Please don't kink shame me. - [Bird cooing]

[Jay] Oh, it's adorable. There's a bird in our room,

because of course there is.

Okay, you're right, this place needs a little bit of work.

- —Here he comes! - Hit the deck!

Now, let's take inventory of the skills at our disposal.

Thor, as we all know, is able to do that thing

with the electrics because he was struck by lightning.

[Straining]

[Electricity crackling]

[Cheers and applause]

I am powerful.

Oh, Isaac, what about your thing?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Oh, yes.

No, I don't know to what it is you refer. Okay...

You died of dysentery.

Yeah, it smells like a fart when the living walk through you.

- —[Laughter] - It's nasty.

- You stink, you stink. - [Fake laughs] Okay.

I get it. We all get it.

And trust me, you don't need to be so harsh in your condemnations.

It is far worse for me than it is for thee.

Okay, moving on. What else?

Well, I was thinking since alberta

was a singer in life and can project her humming

into the world of the living,

what if we had her hum the song

from the movie ghost to scare them?

Huh? Kinda thematic, right?

You know we don't know what that is, Pete.

Oh, right, the movie thing.

Welcome to my hell.

You guys would actually love it.

There was this amazing scene where the main girl was making pottery...

We don't have time for this.

And then this hunky, shirtless guy comes in.

Well, we do have some time.

The haunting isn't imminent. Go on.

It's fine. I get it. I'll hum something scary.

Oh, Trevor has to do his amazing thing.

That must be the topper.

- [All talking at once] - Yeah. Do it!

You're very kind.

[Alberta] Come on, trev.

- Oh, sorry, hold on, it's just... - You got it, you got it.

- [Hetty] Focus, focus. - You got it.

[Straining]

[Cheenng]

- Yo, t-money did it! - Scary!

Oh, it's good!

Troops, I believe we are ready.

Tonight, get your sleep, for tomorrow we strike!

- [Cheering] - Yes!

[Chokes]

[Pained shouting]

The hot water's not working!

Okay, people, he's coming out. Man your posts.

Good luck, everybody. And have fun!

The hot water's out again.

[Samantha] One second!

And... go, Thor!

[Straining]

What the...

Come on.

[Straining]

[Shouts, groans]

[Jay] Ah.

Man down! Alberta, you're up.

Trevor, you're on deck.

You know, it kinda feels like I'm opening for Trevor.

Now, I don't need to headline this haunting, but...

- Not now! - Ugh, okay. Fine.

[Humming]

[Humming]

- [Pop music drowns out humming] - I got the stereo working.

- Cool. - Go on.

[Whimpers]

[Gagging]

- [{snfifing] - Ugh, babe.

Nice try, that was you.

Are you on a juice cleanse?

Close it out, Trevor. You're our only hope.

Okay, you can't blame the other person when there's only one other person.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Crying out]

You know I couldn't produce that if I tried.

- [Crying out] - Come on, man!

Bring the fortitude.

That is disgusting.

- Oh, come on, you gaslighter. - [Trevor straining]

[Jay] You got a cute butt, but it's got a foul mouth.

[Panting]

Huh. Haunting is hard.

Ooh, that is rank.

- Shut up. - All right.

[Samantha] Babe? What are you doing?

[Jay] I'm gonna fix the water heater. It's probably just the gas, right?

This has got to be simple, just turn the pilot on?

[Samantha] This place is so creepy.

Much better.

- [Ghost] Who are these guys? - I don't know.

Jay, that looks kinda ancient.

Maybe we should just call a professional.

No, no. We're not dumping a bunch of money into this house.

Plus, I want to take a shower now.

Counterclockwise.

Okay, it's just I don't think you know what you're doing.

- —[Loud squeak] - Uh-oh.

- That's not good. - That should do it.

- That won't do it. - Think I got it.

He didn't.

At least they left the light on.

Oh. [Chuckles]

- —[Ghosts groan] - Damn it.

[Straining]

- Trevor? - God.

What-what are you doing? The livings aren't even here.

No, I know, I know. This isn't for them.

This is between t-money and the vahse.

It's personal.

I've always said vayse.

- Can you please... - Sorry.

Still freezing.

Okay, well, the good news is

we're going back to New York this afternoon anyway,

so we can just fix it when we come back.

You mean if we come back.

Okay, we're having this conversation.

Sam, um...

I'm just gonna come out and say it, okay?

[Mutters unintelligibly]

- Pardon? - —[Mutters unintelligibly]

- I didn't hear you. - I don't want to move here.

- —[Ghosts gasp] - Well, this just got interesting.

Very interesting.

Like finding new type of COD interesting.

- [Straining] - Come on.

- Okay, a little too close. - Sure. Okay.

Oh, that was... that was gonna be it.

- —That was gonna be it. Really. - I know. I felt that.

That was so close.

I came up here with an open mind, for sure,

but this whole bed and breakfast idea...

I mean, come on.

Do we really want to leave New York?

Jay, I love you, but you know that you get a bit scared of change.

But it's okay to try something different.

Yes, I agree and I'm willing to try something different...

- Yes. - Below 14th street.

[Laughs] He's cute... funny!

I don't know what it is but i-i feel a connection to this place.

I could see a future here, us raising a family.

I want all that, babe, but we're in way over our heads.

This place is falling apart.

It is kind of a dump.

Oh, shut up.

[Straining]

[Laughing, cheering]

We did it!

[Laughing]

So, that's it? We just do what you want?

If we're both gonna be making some big crazy move...

- Mm-hmm. - Then-then we should at least

- —both be able to agree on it. - Fine!

But you know what, Jay?

Sometimes you gotta just do something a little bold, ya know?

Put some canary yellow up

and get out of your neutral-palette mind-set.

What? What are you... what was that?

Neutrals go with everything.

Haven't you learned anything from love it or list it?

Well, I don't know what any of those words mean,

but I know that he won't be laying with her

for several moons! [Laughs]

That was amazing. You're incredible.

Whoa, whoa, watch out!

[Gasps]

[Grunting]

- Bro, that's not good. - [Jay] Sam?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Sam, hey!

[Audio distorted] Sam. Sam! Oh, my god. Sam!

[Jay's voice fades]

Murderer.

Okay, again,

I didn't mean for her to trip and fall.

You have to believe me, I would never intentionally

hurt anyone that hot.

[Groans] Aw, husband guy looks so sad.

I remember when I died. Ira looked so scared.

Because he didn't want to lose me.

And also because he was trying to get away from the bear.

Could you imagine if she doesn't make it?

What a terrible last memory for him.

Ending things in an argument.

Carol and I argued the last time we spoke.

It's funny, it felt like such a big deal

at the time, and now I... Can't even tell you

what it was we were arguing about.

[Pete] You never think, when you close that door behind you,

that that'll be the last time you walk through that door.

But then I had my accident, and I realized

I'm never gonna see my wife again.

I'm never gonna get to speak to her, to hold her,

to tell her how much I love her.

Oh, wait! I remember what we were fighting about.

She ate all the donut holes,

and she doesn't even like donut holes.

It was just to spite me. Which was just like her,

that selfish so-and-so.

-[Gasps] —pete.

Uh, the point is

life is precious.

What is donut hole?

It's just a round donut...

It's what's miss... it doesn't matter.

It's a tough loss.

[Toilet flushes]

What's wrong?

The Knicks blew a ten-point lead to the nuggets. Damn it.

Well, I hope you were at least this upset

when I was technically dead for three minutes.

Let's get you home.

- Go slow. - Okay.

[Alberta] J“ home awaiting j“

j“ in the sky j“

j“ oh, in the sky j“

thank you, alberta.

I don't know how many times we've heard that song.

- 487. - But it gets better every time.

Landship! Landship!

[Flower] The livings, man! They're back.

[Gasps] Oh, she's alive.

Oh, thank god.

Wait, is there any scarring? How's the pun/m?

I thought we were going home.

Yeah, I just wanted to swing by the house real quick

and show you something.

So, while you were sleeping for two weeks—-

- coma. - Coma. I had a contractor come in

just to give us an estimate on what needs to be done.

And guess what. It's way more

than I could have ever imagined.

It's like a new foundation, it's new floors...

Jay, it's fine. You know, I'm okay with selling the place.

I had some time to think, and you were right.

I think the whole bed and breakfast idea was probably crazy.

Well, then, call me crazy, 'cause we're doing it.

[Man] Hey, Mikey, how you doing?

What's going on?

That's the contractor.

If we're gonna make a go of this, we're gonna need some help.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- We're staying? - We're doubling down, baby!

I maxed out the credit cards, I cashed in the ira,

despite the very vocal objections of my father.

News flash: We're deeply in debt.

If this bed and breakfast fails, we're really screwed.

I don't understand. What happened?

Almost losing you made me realize that I don't care

where we live, because as long as I'm with you,

I'm home.

Was it corny? Did it sound corny?

I'm not gonna lie, I practiced it.

It was so corny.

Show me the house!

Aw, they made up.

I'm very glad Samantha is okay.

Me, too. Wait.

Who are these other people?

[Flower] It looks like a construction crew.

O'Malley.

[Man] Electricians, check the main panel. Look out for loose wirings.

Roofers, be careful up there.

Harness required, and make sure you know where you're dropping the tiles.

Man 3: On it!

Oh, you're dressed kind of nice for a construction worker.

[Jay] Hey. Hey, babe.

Come with me, there's one more thing I want to show you.

-Oh. —got a surprise.

Come on. Hey, hey, easy.

So that's it, then.

They're going through with this hotel situation.

- We'll be overrun. - The clutter!

Okay, yes, the hotel will be a nightmare,

but gosh darn it, I did miss those crazy kids.

She talked to me! She talked to me! She talked to me.

And I think she kinda hit on me, I'm not entirely sure,

but there was definitely a spark.

But she talked to me!

Good god.

[Pete] Please, lower your hands.

And... baa-dow.

Uh-uh, what is that?

That is the canary yellow you wanted.

- You painted the room. - I know, I know.

You know, I wasn't sure about it at first, but it's growing on me.

- What the hell? - Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It's a lot of yellow. Oh, you know what we could do?

We could put up a muted accent wall.

This can't be real.

Okay, you're not loving it.

It's no big deal. It's just paint.

Oh, my god.

What are you looking at?

- I think you're right. She can see us. - Uh-huh.

Who are you?

Uh, hi, I'm Jay, I'm your husband.

- Do you need to lie down? - I can explain.

We are ghosts, those poor spirits

who dwell on, compelled for reasons unknown to...

[Screams]