Original subtitles

You engaged in copulatory shenanigans with Godcat?

- Gross. - You know how weddings are.

We had some drinks. We slow-danced to Snow Patrol.

Their soft yet rocking jams can turn on anyone's faucet.

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

- Are you telling Godcat? - I don't know!

The final challenge begins in five minutes.

Also, if you're the owner of a white unicorn with the rainbow buttocks,

- your unicorn is being towed. - Oh.

Okay, listen to me. Everything you said was true.

You are the best one for this job. You were born to do this.

Okay. Yeah, you're right.

I can be supreme leader of Heaven and Hell.

I interned at Disney, for God's sake. I can do this.

Oops. Sorry. Hormones.

Come on. How is that not a penalty?

Okay. Well, she looks pretty psyched up, so we have to be too. Let's go.

I'm out, okay?

I lost my best friend slash gaming buddy slash business partner.

You see, we invented these high-heeled shoes for teenage boys.

Now Bro-lettos will never hit the market.

Oh, come on. I can motivate you.

Um... You have an incredible physique,

like a sweaty ottoman with hot dogs for arms.

See? Okay, let's go!

Herb, tell me what is going on.

Well, I've been doing this thing called embezzling.

It's like bamboozling, but, uh, with mathematics.

Anyhow, turns out I'm bad at it.

So when the ax was about to fall, I decided to fake my own death,

and who better to leave holding the bag than that speed bump with eyelids,

Marv Higgins.

But you can't betray your own child.

Even if they aren't exactly what you thought they'd be,

you... you love them no matter what.

Got to be honest, Abbie,

feels like maybe you're projecting just a wee bit there.

Ooh. Wait. Aw, dang it.

I just told you my whole evil plan. Well, I have to kill you now.

Ugh! That is totally going to cut in on date night with the wife.

Nancy, don't be rude. introduce yourself to Abbie.

Herb, you seem unwell.

I'm fine.

Ever since I stopped huffing mulch fumes,

the hallucinations have slowed way down.

Now, come on. I knew I put... Oh!

This chemical cheese hardens in seconds,

so when I drop you into the Big Bulk lagoon,

you'll sink faster than my balls in a hot tub.

Ladies and gentlemen, angels and demons,

gold-winged celestials and sock-stealing dryer goblins.

This is it.

The final event of the tournament.

Who will be our new CEO?

For your final challenge,

to prove that mortals can do the impossible

when guided by the hand of God,

you must make your counterpart...

Go against human nature!

Oh no. I should've known. This is a fan favorite.

The board figures out the hardest thing for the human counterpart,

then the god has to make them go against human nature to do it. But it's...

Are you okay? Should we get a doctor?

I don't want your help.

You're the one that got me into this mess.

You and those butt clowns from Snow Patrol.

Fucking soft rock.

- Fucking motherfuckers. - What an odd thing to say.

Eh, not really.

Have you listened to their new album? It's rap metal.

Herb, you don't want to do this!

Abbie, I'm sorry, but...

Marv...

...how did you find me?

It all started 20 minutes ago.

Hmm.

That's the whole story?

You walked into the garden department because you saw my melted ice cream?

Well, I also drank it, but that's neither here nor there.

Marv, son,

I'm so glad to see you.

Dad! Thank goodness you're alive. When you blew up, I was so sad.

He didn't blow up. He faked his death so he could leave you holding the bag.

Son, your wife has clearly gone crazy.

You see how she tied herself up? She got cheese for feet.

Oh, I've seen this before.

Sad, very sad. Well, I actually have to get going. So...

- Dad, wait! The feds came by and... - Oh, right, that little legal stuff.

Marv, here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna take responsibility for all of it because you love me,

and I love you, son.

Marv, where did you learn to swing on a rope like that?

Oh, I've been combat role playing as Tarzan with my gaming group lately.

Well, technically I play a mating gorilla whom Tarzan falls in love with, but...

Wait, stop the car.

Wow, they're gorgeous and on sale.

Devilcat, you and your human counterpart are up first.

Devilcat, your partner Greta is incapable

of connecting with other creatures on an emotional level.

So, in order to make your human go against her nature,

you must defeat this.

Wait! How does defeating a giant vampire anus go against Greta's nature?

Because to save it,

you must quench its thirst for human suffering.

It drinks human tears.

Either you make Greta cry, or the monster eats her. Good luck.

Oh. Here, read the last page of this.

"And then they took Old Yeller out to the lawn and tied him to a tree."

Uh... Uh... "For sale, baby shoes. Never worn."

Uh, okay. There's this movie called Up, and right in the beginning...

- It's not working. - Wait. Wait. I got it.

Why would bagpipes make me emotional?

It's an instrument that sounds like it's apologizing to you for how it sounds.

Okay, **** this.

Whoo.

- Yeah! - Ooh! So tough.

Yes, you defeated the monster,

but you technically didn't get Greta to go against her nature.

Zero points awarded.

Yes! We've got this, Travis. Ha-ha.

Oh, look, Nancy, we've grown apart.

I am a strong, independent man and you're...

Well, you're just a bag of rice that I drilled two holes into.

If he gets to that Lambulkini, he's gone.

I can't let him get away.

Not so fast, Herb.

Marv, sometimes when a father and a son love each other very, very much,

but can't make it work,

well, one of them murders the other with a crossbow.

Bye, Marv.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna move your cart.

I'm gonna drive off in my Lambulkini,

and then you are gonna call the feds and turn yourself in for bamboozlement.

How's that sound? Sound good?

No.

How dare you, Marv?

You are supposed to respect your father!

You're not my father!

Mother...

Huh? You stood up to me and crowned yourself with my perm?

I'm... I'm proud of you, boy.

Whoa, what happened?

I... I blacked out there for a second.

Okay, folks, this is for all the marbles.

If Godcat fails, Devilcat will be named the new CEO.

But if Godcat completes his challenge,

the games will be tied, and we will go to sudden death.

And if you both die, we pick fifty mortals and we do a wet t-shirt contest.

- Let's go! - Yeah!

For your final challenge, we picked something extra difficult

for this screen-addicted, Hot Pocket of a child

who needs the internet's approval more than he needs air.

He will have to defeat his online troll, Aidan.

Summon the Aidan!

Nah, you guys go ahead and pillage the nursing home without me.

Whoa! Am I being raptured?

Sick!

Aidan and Trashfist, you will now engage in a horrific battle,

made popular by Earth's least talented joke writers,

a comedy roast.

Human Dorito, you go first.

A roast? My pleasure. Um...

Travis is so ugly,

if he met One Direction, they'd go in a different direction.

Travis is so dumb,

he thinks Dunkin' Donuts is a basketball team.

Ooh!

Oh yeah? Well...

Wait. Dunkin' Donuts?

That's not a joke. You literally thought that.

Oh. Well, yeah, Aidan's skin is so oily, it's being acquired by Pizza Hut.

Well, Travis sucks so much, his wisdom teeth had him removed.

Seriously. His teeth are horrible.

What? No, no. You're the one with bad teeth.

The nurse said that your mouth looks like someone threw a piano into an open grave.

Wait, you're just projecting your insecurities onto me.

Really, that's what all trolls do.

I shouldn't care what you think of me at all.

Oh yeah, dork?

If you were an energy drink, you'd be called "Cringe."

See? Like that. That didn't hurt at all.

You can call me whatever you want. I don't need your validation anymore.

Yours or anyone else's

because I'm awesome.

Oh!

You're right.

You are awesome.

You're a great streamer.

You have a clean house, and crows don't live in your dishwasher.

Meanwhile, my stepparent sold our bathtub to buy Hoobastank tickets.

So yeah, I was trying to keep you from getting too confident

so you wouldn't ditch me.

And I'm kind of... you know...

sorry.

Hey. You don't have to worry about losing me.

You're my best friend.

Challenge accomplished. One point to Godcat.

We have a tie, folks!

Uh, Marv, wait for me?

Uh, no.

But how about I send you some care packages in prison?

Any requests?

Maybe a heartfelt letter telling me how much you appreciate our special bond?

Oh! And maybe a bag of rice. You know my type.

Honey, you were incredible out there.

You're like Jason Bourne, but balding and trying to hide it.

So like Matt Damon, I guess.

Look, Abbie, I screwed up.

I've been too focused on my job and my hobbies.

None of that is worth losing you over.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I should've taken more of an interest in those things.

I should've taken more of an interest in you.

Well, from now on that all changes.

Does that mean you'll come to my book club?

We're reading He-Man fan fiction.

Sure, if you come with me

to that alligator combat class I saw on Groupon.

Or how about we split the difference?

Go get drunk on Smirnoff Ice and play Buck Hunter?

Deal.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie score,

which means we are headed to sudden death.

Sudden death!

Whoever gets their mortal advisor across the finish line first

wins the CEO position and a sponsorship with Purina Dog Food.

Easy-peasy.

Now, remember, if you get sprayed with lava, just keep running.

Hopefully, the momentum will carry your flaming corpse across the finish line.

Listen to me, you got this.

Own this course.

Own it like my stepdad owns eight pitbulls.

Let's go!

Hey, if I get laser murdered,

I just want you to know you've been a good sister.

And if we make it out of this alive,

I promise to start flushing the downstairs toilet.

Thanks, Trav. You've been a good brother.

I promise to stop micro-dosing your Froot Loops with ketamine.

- Wait, what!? - And your time starts...

...now!

Good boy. Good boy.

Turn. Turn.

Okay, run.

Buddy, hup. There you go. Hup.

Jump. Get down. Slide.

Travis! Travis! Travis!

- Get up! Come on! - Get up! Come on!

- Run! - What are you waiting for? Go!

Travis wins!

We have a winner!

Introducing your new CEO,

Godcat!

Congrats, you are now CEO of both Heaven and Hell.

Thank you. It feels good to have all the power again.

Now, first things first, I want to eat an entire dolphin.

Ever since becoming a cat I've had this hankering...

Now that you're hired, we can begin phase two of the reorg,

the annihilation of the human race.

What? I thought the merger was about redistributing human souls.

Well, once we realized humans

were the source of most of the company's problems,

we figured we'd wipe them out and start over.

Look, do I see the appeal in eliminating the 7 billion dingbats

who invented everything from nuclear war to eating Tide Pods?

On paper, sure.

But my time on Earth with this family

has shown me that humans are horrible, but they're also amazing.

They're terrible and wonderful and everything in between.

So I'm sorry, but as God, it's a hard no.

Very well.

Thank you for stepping down so honorably.

Huh? What do you mean? I didn't. I...

Beelzebub, we would like to offer you the CEO position.

That is, if you agree to wipe out humanity.

I mean, I do want the job, but...

Wait! Wait, don't do this. Humans may not be perfectly designed.

We might even be straight-up evil at times,

but our goodness doesn't come from being perfect.

We're a mess.

And you know what? Messes are okay.

I'm a mess. My family is a mess, but that's why I love them.

That's why we love each other.

♪ Take it to the river ♪

It's your decision, Beelzebub.

I'll do it.

No!

Every step of the way, you've been there haunting me.

But I am done living in your shadow.

I am darkness.

I cast the shadow now!

Yes, Beelzebub.

Do it. Do it.

You're all fired!

Beelzebub, my little demon,

I always knew you had it in you.

Wow. Where did that come from?

I'm done doing things their way. I'm in charge now. So...

Hey, you're not supposed to pee on office furniture.

I learned that like an hour after becoming a cat.

I'm not peeing, you idiot!

I'm going into labor!

Labor? You're pregnant? When did that happen?

Argh! Remember my cousin's wedding?

Oh. Hell yeah.

Snap out of it! We don't have time for a steamy flashback.

Whoa! Anti-Christ on a cracker. This is really happening.

Okay, who do I know that knows how to deliver a cat baby?

Wait. Abbie! We've got to get back down to Earth.

Mmm... Bubedy bubedy bup!

Gah! A little help!

Everyone, hop on. We're going home.

Whoa. Hi, kids!

Abbie, Marv, Devilcat's pregnant, and I'm the father.

Hey, congratulations.

Now what's with all the fire and destruction?

Oh, is this a gender-reveal party?

Agh! No, dingus, I'm in labor!

Marv, boots, bungee cords, toilet plunger.

You did this to me!

Take my paw!

Probably a bad time to ask,

but does this technically make us boyfriend, girlfriend, or...

Yeah, let's put a pin in that for now.

Gee, I wonder if today will be the day I get chosen to destroy a planet.

Pfft. Wouldn't count on it, kid.

Here I go to kill and destroy.

Ah, you guys... look!

I don't understand. I thought Devilcat stopped the apocalypse.

Someone must have survived and hit the button.

All right. The first time I prayed to you might've been a misunderstanding,

but this one is the real deal.

A legit bona fide prayer.

Dear God,

save us from that thing!

I would, but it needs to be destroyed in orbit.

And last I checked, I'm a cat, not a space dragon.

Space dragon, you say.

I have an idea.

What the hell is that?

It looks like an Apollo Lander made by Garbage Pail Kids.

The biggest problem is I don't have enough propellant to launch.

Turns out rockets are ten stories high for a reason.

Godcat, can't you generate some sort of magic God energy?

Aren't you like a holy USB brick?

What about the power of love?

Maybe if everyone started loving you super hard, you'd sprout angel wings.

That's actually the secret to beating the Twilight board game.

Those are both the dumbest things I've ever...

Wait. Angel wings, USB brick...

Marv, Travis, you're geniuses.

Dear God, it's me.

Get the cherubs down here now!

Hey, buddy. Um...

We're super sorry about what happened. We didn't know...

Shut it. There's no time for that.

You two are made of pure divine energy,

and for once in your stupid lives, you're going to help me.

I want to say I love you, but there's no time.

Also, I assume I'll feel weird about it later,

and it'll be awkward when we say goodbye on the phone.

Okay, bye.

Mmm... Ah!

♪ She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses ♪

♪ She'll be riding six white horses When she comes ♪

♪ Yee-haw! ♪

Armageddon, meet arm.

Aw, look, a kitty cat.

Hello, little kitty cat.

I'm just so gosh darn excited to kill your entire planet.

Nope.

He did it!

Godcat saved us!

Godcat, yeah!

Wait, where's Godcat?

Is he...?

He... He can't be.

I did it. I have mastered endoscopy!

Empathy!

Oh, whatever. You knew what I meant.

And I did it all because the damned family came together.

Godcat's right.

We finally came together as a team, and it worked.

You know, I always thought of you guys

as the extras in the background of my live streams.

But now, I see how each of you are cool and interesting in your own...

Will you shut the **** up and help me? This baby wants out!

I think it's happening! Everyone, hold on!

Here it comes.

Wait. No.

Here they come!

Holy mother of God!