Original subtitles

Ow. God-freaking-dammit! Who left a LEGO on the floor?

I did. It was a test. You failed.

Twenty dollars into the swear jar, please. Thank you.

I am newly re-energized to help you, humans.

My first order of business,

lead this family down a path of righteousness,

one unclean vocabulary word at a time.

Did somebody just swear?

Open your mouth for free jellybeans.

Yum! What's this for?

Anytime somebody swears, the Cuss Bus rewards them with jellybeans.

All hail the Cuss Bus.

See, this is the problem...

Hell's influence on humankind.

Well, I...

- Coyote gave birth in a Bloomingdale's. - Jesus ******* Christ!

Agent Higgins, code name, Stillwell.

Resuming Mission Good Mom, session 48.

Come on in, Travis.

Oh, I'm sorry. Travis isn't coming, Doctor Stillwell.

What the... You're not Travis!

Sweater missiles, activated.

Or should I say, "Mrs. Higgins"?

Aidan? Is that you?

Technically, my avatar's name is GUNZ, spelled with all caps and a Z.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Travis knows you've been pretending to be his therapist

in order to spy on him and stuff.

What? No, that's not what I...

Travis is sick and tired of you meddling in his life,

always trying to control him.

He's running away to my house where he can be free.

Running away? Oh gosh. Let me talk to...

He's done talking, Mrs. H.

What he needs is space.

And his ADHD medication, if you could drop it off at some point.

Thank you so much. GUNZ out!

Finally, as a reminder, due to budget cutbacks,

the urinals are now only decorative.

Now, I'm pleased to introduce our guest,

billionaire, innovator, and aspiring comedian,

Jefflon Bezmusk.

Oh man, he's really here!

Why is this dude dressed like a Sharper Image got him pregnant?

Aidan, this man is the future.

He's going to colonize Mars,

as soon as he finishes trying to colonize Twitter.

Greetings, uh, future fulfillment workers.

I'm excited to announce a countywide rocket competition.

I'm hoping, by giving back to the community,

you'll ignore those nasty rumors

about me making my employees' bladders explode.

Uh, the school that builds the highest-flying projectile

in 24 hours wins an internship at Space Wrecks.

Now get going, and remember, reach for the moon.

Even if you miss, you'll be amongst the stars...

suffocating in a cold, dark vacuum.

So awkward, yet so inspiring.

We must win this contest or die trying.

Travis, go home and get my welding apron.

Oh. And my cyanide tablets in case things go sideways.

They're in my Hello Kitty pencil box.

I'm not going back to where my mother eavesdrops on me

and takes a big judgey mom dump on everything I like.

Plus, I told you, I'm never helping you again

after I woke up with my fingers sewn together.

Hey. Were you a better swimmer after that? Yes or no? Well, I can't build it alone.

Hmm.

No can do, ma'am.

The horseshoe team is entirely focused

on beating our rivals from Frackington on Friday.

God, I hate Frackington so much!

Save it for the game, Hanson.

I just don't understand why you unpal'd me on Budster.

Well, if I'm really your pal, why am I not in your Bud Barn?

This is all your fault.

What, puberty?

Yeah. I could've made humans transform from children straight into adults,

but I thought it'd be funny to combine bad skin

and uncontrollable stiffies.

No, emotions.

My peers are so distracted by them,

they refuse to assist in my astronautical affairs.

Ah, yes, emotions.

By the time we'd rolled out hangry, I knew we'd jumped the shark.

- Probably should've installed that update. - Hm. What update?

Humanity version 2.0.

Gets rid of the unpopular features like emotions and pinky toes.

And how exactly would you install this update? Hypothetically.

Well, uh, first, I'd log into HOL.

Let's see if I can remember my password.

Uh...

Every time.

Dang it, Devilcat! I...

Never sneak up on a tabletop gamer. You're lucky my katana's in the shop.

"Dang it," Marv?

Don't you mean, "******** it"?

Whoa. I haven't heard words like that since a crow flew into our dish

and we accidentally got HBO.

Oh, hell no! I mean, oh, heck no.

Marv cannot afford to be evil.

His head already looks like a volleyball made of skin.

- Imagine if he was evil too. - Do you guys mind?

Complicated Burrito Store is a very difficult strategy game,

and I need to focus if I'm gonna defeat my bully

at the gaming café tomorrow.

You have a bully besides the burden of life itself?

Everyone at the gaming café suffers under the tyranny of Francis.

From his crushing snack packs,

to his infamous booger brands.

Worst of all, he always wins underhandedly,

thanks to his twenty-pocket cargo shorts.

But if I could just beat Francis once and for all,

maybe we could all game in peace once again.

Maybe you should cheat, Marv.

Marv cheat? Please.

He leaves a tip on his tax returns.

But you could be the big dog at the gaming café,

deciding what ginger ale goes in the vending machine...

...growing that ponytail you've always dreamed about,

all thick and bouncy.

Hands off. Marv is my pastrami-scented Play-Doh person,

and I will sculpt him in my image.

- Since when do you care about humans? - Humans are growing on me.

I mean sure, they're basically just monkeys who can use a toilet,

but they're my toilet monkeys,

and there's no way I'm letting you corrupt them.

Oh, there's no way I can corrupt him? How about a little wager?

We both try to sway Marv. Good versus evil.

If you win, I won't interfere in your little Higgins project,

but if I win...

I get Marv's soul.

- What are you guys talking about? - I accept. So how do you wanna do this?

What if we shrink down and jump in his ears like little AirPods?

Ahh! What the... Cats in my ears!

All right, Marv,

let's prove that you can be righteous and still prevail. Then... Oh.

Hang on, what are these fleshy bongos at the bottom of your ear?

I'm gonna play those.

Great work, Abbie. Somehow, in trying to get closer to your son...

...you managed to completely...

drive him away!

Huh. Abbie?

Sorry about that.

Lost my... head.

Are you okay?

Travis ran away because of something stupid I did,

and I'm worried I might've... pushed him away for good.

Karen, your family seems so happy. How do you do it?

You wanna know how I do it?

Large breasts?

No, Cheer Charm.

I've used Cheer Charm's patented philosophy of positive thinking

to be the best mother, wife, and non-salaried businesswoman I can be.

And for a small investment, you can too.

- Oh. Sort of sounds like a pyramid scheme. - Pyramids?

The things Egyptians built for fun and exercise...

Forget it. I thought you loved your son, but I'll just put these away.

No, no, no, wait. Leave them out.

I do wanna be a better mom,

and if you say Cheer Charm will help, I'll do it.

Great! I'd be happy to give you a Cheer-ification consultation,

if you think you're up to it.

Up to it?

Please. I've slept in a disemboweled caribou carcass.

For like a military mission?

No, we got scammed by Airbnb.

Skorttles for dinner was clutch.

This would never fly at my house.

It must suck having parents who are always making you eat healthy

and caring about you and stuff. Huh.

Anyway, my stepparents should stay out of our way.

Wait, you have two stepparents? How is that even possible?

Well, my dad left when I was five.

Then my mom married Phil, but then she left.

Then Phil married Elaine, but he peaced out pretty soon after that.

Then Elaine actually dated my real dad for a while until he ran off with my mom.

Then Elaine married... I wanna call him... Dave?

Seems nice.

I caught him stripping copper wire

from our breaker box and selling it online,

but I don't wanna bust his balls.

Point is, Casa de Aidan is a totally parentally unsupervised zone.

- We can do whatever we want. - Yeah!

Polar bear knife fight!

I'm just global warming up.

I heard this is rated R for violence and language.

Let's frickin' go!

- Too scary. - Even the language was scary.

Too scary. Too scary.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Ahh!

Hmm.

Let's test this update on a smaller sample size.

Excluding myself, of course.

Boys, I only know two things.

The sex-ed curriculum I am mandated to teach by State and throwin' shoe.

Now, I want you to treat this Frackington team

like the female reproductive system treats the uterine lining during menstruation!

Oh yeah!

Okay, not quite the response I was hoping for.

Hanson! I thought you hated Frackington!

I hate nothing. I love nothing.

I feel nothing at all.

If I'm not in your Bud Barn, you belong in my Stranger Manger.

Farm-based fraternizing is futile.

Attention, students. Please report to the gymnasium immediately.

I have called you here today to ensure that we,

the students of Horkville High, win the rocket competition this afternoon.

Students, assemble!

On the sixth day, God created humans. Today, I perfected them.

Hey, my first god complex.

Okay, Marv, remember, evil may seem bad,

but so many cool things were once considered evil.

Wolves, chocolate, Germans.

No, Marv. Bad.

Holy things can be cool too, like... uh,

the missionary position or tramp stamps that say "blessed."

Looks like this burrito store just got a lot more complicated.

So, Hoggins and his piggy pals want a game with the Cargo King.

You know the drill. Pay to play.

Here's your chance, Marv.

Slip him some laxatives. Let's call an air strike on his butthole.

Don't do it. Just say something biblical like,

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Zesty Corn Balls."

Quiet!

That's right, little pup. Big dog gets his Corn Balls.

I used to be just like you, Abigail.

Lost, afraid, having an emotional affair with the tech support chatbot

just to feel something.

Anything.

Then I found Cheer Charm.

Ta-da.

With this Smile Till It Hurts Starter Set, every corner of your home

offers a helpful reminder that feeling bad is a choice and...

I'm not sure Lincoln said that.

Okay, Ken Burns.

See, you have what we call a cheer condition.

Your body is literally rejecting charm.

It's no wonder your home was so intolerable for young Travis.

You really think he wouldn't have run away

if I had just "turned my brain frown upside down"?

Let's toast to that with a glass of CheerVine Charm-donnay.

Ow! What was that?

Probably just a bee.

They're drawn to the wine's high sugar content.

My throat is tightening, starting to hurt.

Now, Abbie, you know what we say about pain at Cheer Charm.

"Pain is just French for yummy, fresh-baked bread."

Welcome to the first annual Besmusk Rocket Competition.

Best of luck, and remember not to read anything

into my obsession with enormous metal phalluses.

It is my honor to present our rocket, the Hot and Heavy Sky Sizzler.

I mistakenly let the Internet name it via online poll.

Well, if it flies as well as it looks,

that internship is yours.

Did you hear that? Mr. Bezmusk thinks we might win.

Steps have been taken to ensure 100% likelihood of success.

You're sabotaging the competition? But that's deeply unethical.

There is no right or wrong. Only victory.

It appears that removing their emotions

has turned them into an amoral army of task-driven automata.

Your emotionality is impeding the progress of the objective.

Huh?

Oh no!

The students' emotions are combining into some sort of toxic sludge.

I have tears of joy and smiles of pain!

You're all gaslighting me, and I have no idea what that even means!

Man, we've been streaming for six hours.

The insides of my eyelids feel like Triscuits.

Squirt this in your eyes.

It's a mix of saline and expired Four Loko.

Do you have anything for breakfast?

We could melt some Skorttles in the microwave. Make some Skortmeal.

You know, I'd kind of prefer, and I can't believe I'm saying this,

something a little more... healthy.

Dang, dude.

You sound like my family court-ordered nutritionist.

Your parents got you brainwashed.

Hey, you know what? I don't need you, or my mom, or that singing leprechaun

with meatballs for eyes.

Ugh, man, I really need food.

♪ Everybody's talkin' at me ♪

♪ I don't hear a word they're sayin' ♪

♪ Only the echo... ♪

Son, you're over the weight limit.

I play... Salsa Picante.

Guacamole. No onions.

Dang, he's good.

Yeah, because he cheats.

- So play a little dirty yourself. - No, Marv.

Commit righteous violence instead. Kick him in his fuzzy apricots.

I just remembered, I... I need to call my... mouth doctor.

Ugh. First sign of conflict and you go pee?

What are you, a kitten?

- Also, why aren't you using the urinal? - Oh, I sit down to whiz.

It's more hygienic,

plus it puts me in launch position if I decide to go to DEFCON 2.

Sarah, please. I didn't know you'd be home so soon.

You were never meant to see what I was doing to that sack of raw chicken.

- Ugh. Barf. - Gross.

I don't understand. Did... Did he use the wrong marinade?

My boobs refuse to grow at the same rate.

I looked at too many TikTok filters, and now my real face seems weird.

I am on fire.

This is 100% true.

It's not safe here. We have to go!

Hmm. Not Skorttles.

Travis, what are you... Wow. Are you eating a vegetable?

- Where's my phone? I should record this. - It's a long story. Basically...

Parents are so mean!

Gonna have to hear about it later.

What the hell was that?

Some kind of plasmic projection of our classmates' emotions

that fused into that thing.

Oh no! It's absorbing other people's emotions now.

We have to get to the computer lab to redistribute their emotions.

Distract that thing.

Wait! How am I supposed to do that?

Greta!

It's like my entire family hears me, but no one ever actually listens.

That's exactly how I feel. License and registration, please.

Your move, Hoggins.

Is the cilantro bonus good?

Of course cilantro isn't good. My dad actually invented it.

Until him, no demon could figure out how to ruin tacos.

I can't believe it.

The best card in the game, and he dropped it.

The Patronage of Steven Seagal.

With that one card signifying that actor,

musician, martial artist Steven Seagal patronized my burrito store,

I would win no matter what Francis has in his pockets.

What are you waiting for? This human fanny pack is eating you alive.

Play the damn card!

I hate to say it, but I'm with her. This guy is a monster.

Sometimes, to serve the greater good, you have to be Above the Law.

Good movie.

It's a great movie. Now play that Seagal.

I've only got one card to play, so here it goes.

Hey, Francis, tell me something.

Are those tacos on the game board chicken?

And is the chicken cooked or raw?

Either you forfeit the game, or we all have a nice conversation

about the raw chicken you love so much.

I... How did you... I forfeit!

You win. You win forever!

Now bow to me, Cargo Boy.

Bow to Marvelous Higgins.

Kiss the sweet sock sandals of a king!

So, to answer your question,

it's not weird that the smell of meatloaf makes you horny.

Wow. I feel way better. Where'd you learn to be such a good listener?

My therapist, who turned out to be my mom in a video game.

It's kind of a long story. You see...

I did it. I uninstalled the update. Did they get their emotions back?

One way to find out.

Hey, everyone, I like watching TikToks of zits being popped!

- Eat my butt with a fork. - You are very sick.

Hi, family.

Aah.

The heck?! Mom, what's up with your face? Are you having an allergic reaction?

No. It's not an allergic reaction.

It's a manifestation of my negativity.

That does not make sense.

I figured if it worked for Karen, Miss Perfect Mom, it'd work for me.

But it's pointless.

Mom, listen. At first, I was mad about what you did.

But after being over at Aidan's, I kind of get it. You care about me.

That's why you don't feed me candy for dinner,

and why my bed isn't a pile of laundry held together with an extension cord.

I'm proud of you, Marv. You didn't do anything underhanded,

and you still defeated that eighth-grader in a 40-year-old's body.

Francis has been bullying me for years,

and I just took it until you two motivated me.

Thank you.

Abbie, where are the Q-tips?

I had cats in my ears, and one of them did something gross.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you make a half-decent Antichrist.

Nice work.

Thanks. You're good at your thing too.

Humans are lucky to have you. I'm still gonna destroy you.

The streets will run red with bubbly blood vomit.

Fire balls from the butts of the innocent. You get it.

Uh-huh.

Well, if evil does win out one day, and it won't,

take it easy on these humans, okay? I actually kind of like them.

Hey, double or nothing.

The dad and the daughter's soul say

I can chug a bottle of ranch faster than you.

Yea, though I walk through the Hidden Valley of the shadow of ranch.