Original subtitles

If I want it, I should be able to buy it. It's my money.

Not legally it isn't. Not yet.

I earned it.

This is getting ridiculous.

Can't we ever have a meal that doesn't end in this argument?

It's not like I'm asking for a Ferrari.

Just a little Beemer convertible.

Do you know what that thing costs?

Doogie, what's wrong with the station wagon?

Mom, it's a tub.

The only people that drive those things are auto crash dummies.

We told you, we'll paint it.

We'll put in a nice sound system.

If you can drive it a year without a moving violation or an accident,

then we'll talk about a new car.

End of discussion.

Not one of your friends has a brand new car.

Not one of my friends earns $28,000 a year.

Which I'm not gonna let you blow on a $30,000 car.

Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, maybe I ought to petition the court

for emancipated minor status.

Oh, Doogie, not that again.

If I'm old enough to earn it, I should be old enough spend it.

Let me get this straight.

You don't want any restrictions

on how you spend the money you earn,

you don't want a curfew,

you don't wanna clean up your room or do any other chores.

Is there anything I'm leaving out?

Why can't I just live here without all the hassle?

Because we're running a family here, not a hotel.

Well, maybe I should go to a hotel.

Oh, please.

I'm serious. The way you guys treat me,

Maybe I ought to be thinking about moving out.

You can put that thought out of your head right now.

You can't stop me.

Oh, yes, I can.

Doogie, maybe you should go.

What?

If he's not going to let us parent him,

maybe he should paddle his own canoe.

Maybe your mother's right.

(theme music playing)

Tomorrow morning,

this hospital will be admitting the rock star Charmagne.

Whoa! Hey. All right.

I've seen her videos.

The woman is a stone goddess.

Dr. Peters will be removing a nodule from her vocal chords.

We all know how these celebrity types are about their privacy.

I've assured her that's what she'll get--total privacy.

I've notified the nursing staff.

Her presence here is to remain a complete secret.

Are we keeping you up, Dr. Howser?

Sorry. I've been up all night.

Six-car pileup on the 405. Long shift.

Well, rest up.

You're on rounds tomorrow with Dr. Peters.

Now, people,

I'm relying on your good judgment.

No leaks about this Charmagne thing.

I don't want this facility

turned into a teenage invasion from hell.

That's it.

Thank you all.

Yo, Peters.

I'll give you $100

if you let me give her a sponge bath.

Does it ever bother you

that pathology's on the same floor as the cafeteria?

It's not that far-fetched, me and her.

Celebrities have a thing for doctors.

It's their perception of us--

we're all-powerful, we're healers, we're godlike.

Cybill Shepherd, Mary Tyler Moore,

Victoria Principal--

-they all married doctors. -I don't know.

Ms. Charmagne McGuire doesn't exactly resonate for me.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hi, Curly.

Jack, you still looking for a roommate?

Sure. You got someone in mind?

Yeah. Me.

What?

What's going on, Doog?

I'm moving out of my parents' house.

When did this happen?

Last night.

I'm gonna get a declaration of emancipation.

What's that?

Section 64, California civil code.

You have to be 14,

willingly living apart from your parents,

managing your own financial affairs,

and your income isn't from criminal activities.

I've got that covered. It should take three, four weeks tops.

Doogie, are you sure you wanna do this?

It's pretty rough out there.

I can handle it.

I've got the money.

I'm not just talking about the money.

But t's a good place to start.

Listen, Doog, we make around 2,500 a month, right?

Okay. Let's start subtracting.

Your taxes are roughly 700.

Rent's about 800. That's if you share a place.

Food's 200, if you cook at home.

And you'll need a car and insurance.

And that's not counting entertainment--

dates, movies, eating out.

And then you've got laundry bills, dry cleaning.

Well, you guys do it.

Hey, I still get help from my folks.

And I have two roommates.

And when I date, the guy normally pays.

Look, it doesn't take much to run my life.

Besides, this isn't about money, it's about freedom,

I've got to do this thing. It's time.

So what do you say, Jack? Can I move in?

I'm sorry, Doogie. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

Your friends are much younger.

I don't want a lot of kids around.

Besides, I like to entertain,

if you know what I mean.

Much as I'd like to help you out--

Geez, McGuire, you're as bad as my folks,

and you're not even 30-something.

Thanks a heap.

You think his parents would let me have his room?

Hey, Vinnie. What are you doing here?

Your mom sent you a laundrygram, dude,

and it ain't clean.

So where's your new place?

So far, you're looking at it.

Are you kidding? We can't party here.

I'm going to look at a place tonight.

Be sure and get a two-bedroom.

When I run away from home, I want a place to run to.

Okay, now let's talk about Charmagne.

Who?

Oh, that's good.

Play stupid. I just saw her limo parked in the back--

the one with "dreaming" on the license plate.

She's here.

Oh, that. Yeah, she cut her finger in the kitchen.

She'll be in and out in about an hour.

You got that face.

What face?

That Debbie Beckwith face.

The one you used when you lied to me about taking her out.

Debbie Beckwith?

Debbie Beckwith. Sixth grade. Real cute

until she had the zit medicine and grew a mustache.

You're lying to me.

Charmagne's in here for a stay.

All right. She's in here.

But you can't tell anybody. If word gets out, Canfield will kill me.

You've got to promise me.

Big promise, Delpino.

Okay, okay. What's she in for?

She's getting a nodule removed from her throat.

Great. What's a nodule?

It's a small mass of tissue in the form of a swelling.

It looks like a knot.

Get me that nodule.

Vinnie, go. I've got to get some sleep.

Come on, Howser. I want it. I could bronze it

and hang it from my rear view mirror.

Can you at least get me in to see her?

Are you kidding? There's security. Canfield's all over us.

You got to get me something-- an autograph, slipper.

Her sheets.

Yes?

Hi.

I'm Dr. Howser.

Oh, right. The genius.

Well, I'm not really a genius.

I mean, I am a genius.

Believe me, I know a lot of stuff--tons.

So don't think I'm not a genius.

You going to check me out or what?

Oh. Of course.

Uh-huh.

This checks out good to me.

Real good.

You see, the reason they sent me in here

is that my specialty is the heart,

and it's very important that before a surgery of this type

that, uh, your heart be functioning

in a very special functioning way.

All systems tiptop, you know.

Oh. Sure.

Have a listen.

Isn't my heart on the other side?

Oh, well, it's important to sneak up on it.

So how am I doing?

Oh, boy.

There's a heart in there, all right.

A big one.

Listen, uh, despite my being a doctor,

I hang around with a lot of juveniles.

And, um, one such juvenile I know is a very big fan of yours.

Uh, if it wouldn't be too much to ask,

could you give him a, um, an autograph?

Sure. No problem.

His name is Vinnie Delpino.

Doctor, is this necessary?

Well, sometimes when the heart moves,

you can get a different perspective.

Medically speaking, of course.

It's a very new concept.

DOOGIE: I'm not gonna lie to you.

I've been to a lot of places, and I've been turned down.

Do you have to be a certain age

to rent one of your rooms?

Do you have $25 American currency?

Yes, I do.

Sign here.

Here's your bucket,

your glass,

and your complimentary soap.

You're not an armed man, are you?

No, sir.

I have to ask.

WOMAN: I don't wanna hear it.

(siren wailing)

WOMAN: How could you lie to me, Paul?

MAN: I was going to get around to telling you.

It was just never the right time.

You're married, you slimy toad!

Get your hands off of me!

Come on, honey.

It doesn't really change anything.

It doesn't change what we have for each other.

-It changes what I've got for you, buster! -(glass breaks)

Look, it's not like I'm really married.

I'm just in the middle of a divorce.

I--I'm going to--

who are you calling?

Give me that phone!

-(telephone clangs) -Ow!

Where are you going? Come here and help me.

(door slams)

Ah, I'm hurt!

Get back in here, Denise!

-Nobody runs out on me! -(pounding on door)

(pounding continues)

Where do you think you're going, huh?

Denise!

Can I use your phone?

-MAN: Denise, I'm warning you! -Uh, sure.

Your goose is cooked now, you lowlife cheese ball!

And while I'm at it, I'm going to stir-fry your pants!

MAN: I'm warning you!

-I'm warning you, Denise! -(pounding)

Hello. Is this Cecelia?

Raah!

Here. It's for you.

-It's your wife! -Get back in here now.

What are you staring at, punk?

When I get ahold of you, you're gonna be sorry! I mean it!

Good morning.

How are we feeling?

A little nervous.

Nothing to worry about.

You're in good hands here.

This is Dr. Fields.

He'll be giving your anesthesia,

and he'll want to talk with you after I'm finished.

This is Dr. Howser, the resident on this service.

He'll be doing the postoperative follow-up.

Nurse will be in to give you a pre-op in about--

Hold it.

This kid is bogus.

I assure you, Dr. Howser is a bona fide M.D.

Dr. Howser is short, dark,

has funny teeth, and talks with a New York accent.

Vinnie.

Vinnie?

This is not the kid that I saw the other day.

Aw, this is ridiculous.

If you guys can get away with something like this, what's next?

Maybe you'll yank out my gall bladder instead of my nodule.

All of you, get out! I'm out of here.

Out! Now! I don't want to see any of you ever again!

Okay, the bottom line is you get your tail back in her room.

You crawl on all fours and bark like a dog if you have to.

Beg, prostrate yourself, but make this all right.

She was pretty mad.

She could attack me, do physical damage.

What are you worried about? You're in a hospital.

Uh, hi.

Uh, I came to apologize.

I obviously picked a good time.

Listen, I realize--

You realize nothing.

You may be the 16-year-old genius doctor from another planet,

but you are an idiot, and your friend is an idiot.

You may know how to laser

the reproductive organs off a gnat,

but I am not staying in a hospital that will put up with such immaturity.

So, Dr. Puberty, I am out of here.

Hold it. You can't go.

Why not?

Because you need this surgery.

There are other hospitals, other doctors.

Now out of my way.

Okay, just tell me one thing.

Are you really leaving because you're steamed at this hospital,

or are you leaving because you're scared?

Do you know what could happen if that guy Dr. Peters slips?

My career is down the toilet.

He won't slip. Peters is the best in the business.

Even the best can have a bad day.

He's done 1,000 of these surgeries.

Yeah, well, you're not the one lying there

with surgical instruments in your mouth.

You are scared, aren't you?

Okay.

So what if I am?

Honest, there's nothing to be scared about.

It's a relatively simple procedure,

and I'll personally see to it

that your family's apprised every step of the way.

What family?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, don't hold any benefits for me.

I'm a big girl. I left home when I was 15.

Really? How come?

None of your business.

You know, the usual broken home song and dance.

I was better off on my own. Believe me.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I just left home myself.

Why would someone like you leave home?

Your parents drink?

Uh-uh.

They divorced?

Nope.

They beat on you?

No.

They beat on each other?

No.

Well, then what's your problem?

Well, it started because of a car they won't let me buy.

Wait a second.

You left home over a car?

Well, it's more than just that.

You know, they don't listen to me. They treat me like a kid.

They treat you like a kid.

Come here.

Look at yourself.

You are a kid--

the greatest thing in the world to be. Enjoy it.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.

You left home, and you survived.

I had to leave home so that I could survive.

And look at me.

I'm surrounded by yes men

and hangers-on and bodyguards.

I have cars and money

and all the stuff that's supposed to make you happy,

but I don't have a family.

I don't have a mom and dad to love me and take care of me.

I mean, what if something does go wrong

on that operating table?

Who's going to really be there for me?

Me.

I'll be there for you.

I'll be your family.

Cut it out. You're going to make me cry.

Give me a hug, will you?

Well...

Ahem.

Well, where do we stand?

Are we going ahead?

We need to know.

Is Dr. Howser gonna be a part of this thing?

He doesn't have to be.

He better be.

Well, then of course he will.

Okay.

Let's rock 'n' roll.

Thanks.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hey, who ate all the Cho Cho bars?

So how are you guys doing?

I thought my shift was never going to end.

We better drink this milk up.

It expires tomorrow.

Rough day today.

You know, it's gonna be great to hit that pillow upstairs.

There's one thing about a shift--

Pillow upstairs?

Yeah, the one on my bed in my room.

Hold it, young man.

Is this just a house call,

or are you back for good?

Well, you could say it's kind of an extended house call.

Are you prepared to live by the house rules?

I found out something.

A 16-year-old needs his mother and father,

and a doctor, uh...

needs his mother and father, too.

So you're back for good.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Oh, I checked out the wagon on the way in.

A new coat of paint, a nuclear sound system,

that baby will be smoking.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

Well, I don't, really,

but it'll do for now.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

It's Monday night.

Football.

Close.

Garbage.

Oh, Dad, I hate taking out the--

Okay, okay.

(typing)

Howser, what are you doing here?

I just beamed myself up.

But you were out there over the wall.

I had to come back, Vinnie.

Why?

'Cause I just missed you so darn much.

How about a big wet kiss? Come here.

Get away from me.

So how's Charmagne?

Fine. Her operation was a complete success.

Can you believe it, man?

These fingers were 6 millimeters from her heart.

Maybe 7 away from her--

Ruining my career.

Hey, I'm sorry, man.

I couldn't help myself.

Hey, I almost forgot.

I got you a present.

Charmagne's nodule.

Whoa!

Hey, that's a good-sized nodule.

Isn't it?

How could she sing

with that in her throat?

Do you realize the value of this nodule?

Someday, this could be in the Smithsonian.

Ah, why leave it to those coots at the Smithsonian, huh?

Eww! Gross! You're a geek.

You been at that hospital too long.

You pervert.

(knock at door)

Doogie?

Oh, hi, Dad. Want a raisin?

No, thanks.

I just wanted you to know

that your mother and I missed you and we're glad you're home.

Me, too.

Good night, son.

Good night, Dad.

(theme music playing)