Original subtitles

All right.

Howser, we got to talk.

Sorry, I'm on my way to the hospital.

No, no, no. This is important.

You're my best friend. I need to talk to you.

Is everything okay?

Now, this is privileged, doctor to patient.

Vinnie, what's wrong?

I think I have a dependency problem.

What?

I'm really out of control, Doog.

Vinnie, don't worry.

I'll get you into the Eastman rehab program.

Everything's going to be fine.

What is it-- drugs, alcohol, both?

Sex.

Sex?

I'm addicted to sex.

Vinnie, how's that possible? You're a virgin.

That's the problem.

Every waking and sleeping moment of my life

is spent thinking about doing it.

When I'm going to do it, who I'll do it with,

how long I have to wait before I get to do it again.

It's like a monkey on my back.

Vinnie, that's normal. You're supposed to be obsessed with sex.

-Get out of here. -It's true.

You're 16, you're a male.

Plus I'm Italian.

Hey, I'm going through the same thing myself--

one sexual fantasy after another.

Isn't it great?

I never said it didn't have an upside.

So, what's going on with us?

Testosterone. It's a very aggressive hormone,

and right now we're up to our eyeballs in it.

Here, look at this chart.

"The human male reaches his sexual peak--

the height of his sexual energies and desires--

between the ages of 17 and 18."

Hey, excellent. I'm this close to my peak.

"Whereas the human female reaches her sexual peak

between the ages of 35 and 45."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a second.

I peak now, and Susie Berlutti doesn't get revved up

for another 20 years?

Yep. Something like that.

The laws of nature are conspiring against me.

So, what am I supposed to do until the year 2009?

Relax. It'll happen. We're studs.

The rest of the world just doesn't know it yet.

You got a date with Wanda tonight?

I have to work. You going out with Susie?

I don't know. It's only 1989. Why bother?

(theme song plays)

Did you see the humungous gallstone

Brickman took out today?

Oh. Sorry.

Excuse me. Can I interrupt your lunch?

Absolutely.

I'd like you all to meet our new head of Radiology,

Dr. Victoria Burke.

Victoria, this is nurse Curly Spaulding.

Hi.

And two of our residents, Jack McGuire and Douglas Howser.

Hi.

Welcome to Eastman.

Thank you.

Dr. Howser, I've really been looking forward to meeting you.

Really?

I've heard a lot of wonderful things about you

from your father.

Thanks, but I wouldn't believe everything he says.

He's very biased. He paid for my education.

I read your paper

on the use of computerized axial tomography in trauma patients.

I'd like to get together and discuss it sometime.

Okay, sure.

I'd like to hear what you have to say about it.

Maybe we could all discuss it over lunch.

Thank you, but I generally eat lunch alone in my office.

Gives me time to catch up with my paperwork.

Well...

If you'll excuse us.

Nice meeting everyone.

Nice meeting you.

No chance.

Know who you just met?

Who?

The legendary ice queen.

The ice queen?

That's what they call her over at County.

Nobody I know has gotten so much as a dinner date

with that woman.

She's all business.

How can a woman so beautiful

be so cold?

Maybe she's just one of those very attractive women

who feel that in order to be taken seriously as a doctor,

she has to suppress her sexuality.

Or maybe she just thinks you're a weenie.

Victoria Burke is the new head of Radiology?

-Yup. -Really?

It would be nice to see her again.

I got a patient at Eastman who needs some X-rays.

You know, Canfield is really lucky to get her.

She is top notch,

not to mention easy on the eyes.

She's gorgeous.

But it's not just the way she looks.

There's something so...

I don't know-- feminine about her.

What a perfectly astute observation.

Don't you think so, Katherine?

I don't know if she's that beautiful.

Trust me, Katherine, she is.

She's had a nose job.

What?

I said she had a nose job.

Oh, no, no, I don't think so.

Trust me, David, she did.

I can spot one a mile away.

I wonder what else she had done.

Kate.

A nip here, a tuck there.

I know for a fact she's my age.

No. Really?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Are you, Doogie?

Me? No. Heck, no.

I've got some calls to make. Excuse me.

(chopping loudly)

I mean, she's had everything done.

Find out who did it.

Easy.

Take it easy.

Let me get the Ambu bag on him.

Got it.

DOOGIE: Listen up! We got a red blanket here.

Police officer. Gunshot,

chest wound, belly wound.

Alert the surgical team and call the blood bank.

Tell then we need four units of O-negative.

This is life and death. We need this right away.

Let's get ready.

Ready? 1, 2, 3.

Four units for openers.

Draw blood for type and cross and labs.

Put some pressure on the larynx.

Get an ET tube going. I'm gonna get a chest tube in.

He's got a pneumothorax.

Has anyone alerted respiratory?

I need you.

Put pressure here. He's sucking air through his chest.

Pulse is thready. Blood pressure's 60 over 40.

DOOGIE: Damn.

He's just thrown a PVC.

We're losing him.

Get a bolus of lidocaine.

Hang some plasmanate. Put a CVP line in.

Let her bag it.

(chatter)

Come on, bud. Come on.

Blood's here, Doctor.

Good. Get it going.

DOOGIE: What's going on? What's the situation?

MCGUIRE: I'm putting the CVP line in.

Blood pressure's coming up. Pulse is getting stronger.

Yes! You're one tough hombre, bud.

Put a dressing on that.

Get the O.R. ready.

We've got a live one going and we want him to stay that way.

Let's get him up there.

-Watch out for his arm. -Yeah.

Woo! I am pumped!

-That was close. -Are you kidding?

That guy was practically boxed, and we brought him back.

God, I'm starving.

Radiologists don't usually see that kind of action,

and tell you the truth, I was a little scared.

Oh, it didn't show. You were real cool.

I don't feel so cool now.

There's still a lot of adrenaline pumping.

I know what you mean. You won't be able to sleep for hours.

I'm gonna go home, make something to eat, lift some weights.

I'll probably be jumping out of my skin

till 4:00 in the morning.

Isn't being a doctor great?

I like you, Dr. Howser.

Thanks.

Maybe we can have dinner together sometime.

Sure, we could meet in the cafeteria--

I was thinking of something a little more private,

away from the hospital.

Oh.

Well, good. Very good.

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night...

Um, let me see.

Yeah. I think I'm free tomorrow night.

Then it's a date.

Yeah.

I guess it is.

Well, good night, Dr. Howser.

Good night.

(car door closes)

So, they got a lot of nice fish here.

Yes. Very nice.

Doogie, relax.

Okay.

You smell great.

Thanks. That's a sweet thing to say.

Sir, may I take your drink order?

I'll have a Manhattan on the rocks.

Yeah. That sounds good.

But tonight I'll have an orange soda

with a twist.

Very good, sir.

You must be curious why I asked you out to dinner tonight.

Me? Oh, no. Well, maybe a little. Okay. Why?

Doogie, I find you very, very appealing.

-Is this a joke? -No.

You have every quality I admire in a man--

a brilliant mind, dedication to your work,

sincerity, good looks.

Thank you.

There's a lot I like about you, too.

Actually, everything.

There is something I want to ask you.

Something...

I'm... finding this very difficult.

No. You're doing good.

You're... doing good.

A few months ago, my doorbell rang.

I opened the door, and out in the hallway

was a man from a diaper delivery service.

He had a stack of diapers--

it must have been four feet high.

I told him he was at the wrong door, they weren't for me,

and then I started to cry.

I'm approaching 40.

My biological clock is ticking.

I'm not married,

but I do want to raise a child.

Do you have any idea what I'm saying?

You want to adopt me?

I was wondering if you'd consider fathering my child.

(foot thumping, table rattling)

WAITER: Sir, are you ready to order?

What, now?

Could you give us a few more moments?

Certainly.

I know this is an unusual request.

Especially on a first date.

I want you to understand

I'm not asking for a relationship.

I will be totally responsible for this child,

both emotionally and financially.

All I need from you

is... well, you know.

Wow.

This is...

Wow.

You see, since I'm approaching motherhood scientifically,

I might as well choose the man

with the best genes available.

Gee, I--

I don't know what to say.

I know this is a big decision.

Please take all the time you need.

If you want to talk about it some more,

just let me know.

Now, why don't we just leave it alone

and... enjoy the rest of the night?

Okay. Good.

That's good.

Wow.

So, what's the question?

This is the greatest thing to happen

to a 16-year-old guy

in the history of hormones.

You won the libido lottery, Howser!

She's a mature woman.

Chances are she's been with other guys.

She's gonna compare.

If she busts out laughing,

you put your clothes on and go home.

I wish she never would have asked me!

Will you stop? You're getting hysterical.

The woman wants you. Don't fight it.

Technically, she doesn't want me.

She wants my genes.

Who cares? The point is,

she's letting you deliver them personally.

I don't know, this is gonna to take some very serious thought.

Forget your mind for once.

Listen to your body.

what's your body saying to you?

It's saying...

"wampa, wampa."

Yes!

Testosterone lives.

Here's the phone. Call her now.

She might change her mind.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Is this woman a blood beast?

No. She's beautiful.

I can't believe a woman that beautiful

would have anything to do with me.

I'll dial for you.

-What if it's not right? -Not right?

It's perfect.

We're talking about an older woman here.

She's peaking. You're peaking.

What could be more beautiful?

Yeah, it does seem like destiny, doesn't it?

And the thing is, it probably won't work the first time.

You might have to do it like 10 or 15 times.

(groans)

-Hey. -Morning, Doogs.

Hi.

You work last night?

No. I just didn't get much sleep.

-Is there a problem? -Yeah.

But it's not my problem. It's a friend's problem.

We were up all night batting it around.

Can I ask you guys a question?

Sure.

See, this guy, this friend of mine,

he's gotten himself into kind of a...

sexual dilemma.

See, there's this woman, she's twice his age--

actually she's 2.3 times his age--

and, well, she wants to sleep with him.

What?

So your friend's problem

is this woman who wants to sleep with him?

No, if it were just that, he could stumble through it himself.

The main problem is, she wants to have his baby.

What?

Yeah, she thinks he's kind of her ideal man, you know?

So what does your friend think he should do?

He thinks she deserves to have a baby

if she wants to,

and she's intelligent, and he is very intelligent,

so given the laws of genetics, who knows?

This kids could grow up to cure cancer someday.

So, in other words, your friend would be doing this

for the good of mankind.

You could say it's a philanthropic kind of thing.

It couldn't be just because he wants to have sex.

You could go that way, too.

I don't know.

A child is a big responsibility.

But the woman said

she'd take all responsibility.

But it would still be his baby.

How is your friend going to feel,

knowing there's a child out there

he has nothing to do with?

Does your friend have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

-Do they have sex? -No.

I mean...

I don't know for sure.

He's very polite, so probably not.

What's he going to tell her about all this?

He thought maybe he could just skip over

that part of his life.

You mean lie to her.

Well, he didn't put it that way.

Boy, Doogie.

I don't know if I could make a decision like that now,

never mind at 16.

Wish your friend luck for me.

Yeah, I will. Thanks.

I got rounds.

Thanks. I'll be in the Radiology view room.

Dr. Burke, I need to talk to you for a minute.

I'm awfully busy. Can't it wait?

It's about Doogie Howser.

After you.

I found out about your proposal to Doogie.

I feel a little awkward bringing it up.

Maybe you should. It's really not your business.

I think it is my business. Doogie's my friend.

And while intellectually he's a giant,

emotionally he's a 16-year-old boy.

There's no way he can't come out of an affair with you...

-Affair? -without getting hurt!

I have no intention of having an affair with him.

Call it what you want. I may only be a resident,

but I do know how babies are conceived.

Then, Doctor, you must also know about artificial insemination.

Then you didn't ask Doogie to...

you know.

No. I specifically said to him

I was interested in his genes.

I thought he understood I was talking about artificial insemination.

Well, you thought wrong.

Doogie's thinking more along the lines

of good old-fashioned natural insemination.

I didn't intentionally mean to be vague.

Do you think he's going to be very hurt?

He's 16.

He thinks the most beautiful woman in the world

wants to make love with him.

What do you think?

(knocking)

Dr. Burke?

I got your message.

I'm glad you could come by.

You look pretty in this light.

That's why I became a radiologist.

Doogie, we need to talk.

Yeah, we do. We really do.

Hey, it looks like there's a small bowel obstruction.

There's some air in the biliary tree.

Doogie...

About last night...

Yeah. That's what I want to talk to you about.

See, I don't want you to think

I don't think you're beautiful, because I do.

I mean, you are.

The whole idea

that someone as beautiful as you

actually wants me

is gonna make me feel fantastic for--

for I don't know how long, maybe the rest of my life.

But I can't do it. I just can't.

See, I want to have children someday,

and I want to share it with my wife.

And if we do this,

I'm afraid it just-- it might spoil that.

I understand perfectly.

I hope that you have a child someday,

and I hope you fall in love.

That shouldn't be too hard.

All you have to do is pick one of the people

that fall in love with you.

You are an extraordinary man,

and such a sweet boy.

Maybe we should get back to work.

Yeah.

I'm gonna remember this for a long time.

You can tell your grandchildren about it.

No.

I think I'll save this for myself.

(woman speaking over P.A)

(sighs)

Vinnie, you've been doing that for 15 minutes.

You had it in the palm of your hand,

and poof, now it's gone.

You're a total wuss.

It just didn't feel right.

I'd even have to lie to Wanda. I'll get another chance.

Don't you read the paper?

There could be a nuclear war tomorrow and we could all be dead.

And you didn't get to do it,

and I didn't get to hear about it.

Well, Vinnie, I guess the thing to do

is work for world peace.

Hey, this isn't funny, Howser.

You blew it. You shattered my dream.

Don't ever show your face around here again.

Vinnie, this is my room.

Okay. All right. So I'm leaving.

You know, I've had it with you.

We no longer have anything in common.

I never want to speak to you again.

You're out of my life.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

What a wuss!

(theme song plays)