Original subtitles

(horn honks)

-Hey, pal, move it! -Get out of the way!

(honking)

MAN: You're proceeding at the proper speed, Douglas.

The examination is going nicely.

Make a right turn at the next corner.

DRIVER: Come on, man, move!

Excellent negotiation.

Today's his 16th birthday.

Getting his license would just be

the most perfect present.

Forgive me,

but I prefer silence during the examination.

Your being here is against policy.

Don't exacerbate it by speaking.

(turn signal clicking)

I think you could chance it.

(siren)

Let's turn around.

There's been an accident.

Just pull over here.

What are you doing? There's a car.

Stop at once!

KATHERINE: Doogie, you're going too fast.

Unacceptably excessive.

Please, Doogie, slow down.

MAN: For God sakes, what are you doing?

This is unacceptable. Return to the vehicle!

MAN: Hey!

WOMAN: Let me see him.

MAN 2: Get out of there!

-Get the hell out of there, kid. -Let go of me.

-Grab this idiot. -Get your hands off me.

You want to go to jail?

You'll be going to jail for criminal negligence.

This man has a dislocated fracture of the femur.

He's gonna lose his leg unless I fix it right away.

Hold his torso down while I rotate his leg.

What the hell are you talking about?

There's no pulse behind the knee. He'll lose his leg to gangrene.

-We're not moving this-- -Just hold it down!

And you, brace his neck. Please, hurry!

Here we go.

You ready?

(groans)

(bones cracking)

Okay.

Okay, we're getting some circulation.

Is he still breathing?

Yeah.

Good. Now, go get me something

I can use for a leg brace.

Go.

Okay, clear away, folks.

Stay back.

Who is this kid?

That's my son...

the doctor.

(theme song plays)

First patient we're gonna see is William Johnson,

black male, age 6,

admitted 5/30, 2 AM, with cardiomyopathy and failure.

We did a chest X-ray, EKG, and an echocardiogram.

He has a murmur of mitral insufficiency.

I gave him Digoxin .125 milligrams,

Lasix 20 milligrams BID,

and Aldactone 12.5 milligrams BID.

Also, I'd like to send him to Nuclear Medicine

for a cardiac scan at 9:30.

Thanks, Dr. Howser.

All right, people, let's go take a look.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Cardiology intern, report to OR-3.

Cardiology intern, report to OR-3.

Yo, William!

Yo, Doogie.

This is Dr. Josefson, William.

He's the main man.

This is Dr. Cheeseball,

Dr. Raymond,

and Dr. Turner.

Well, William, you're not feeling too well, are you?

No, sir.

Not to worry, young man.

We're going to make you feel much better.

We might even give you a new heart.

What do you say to that?

Am I going to die?

Hey, no way.

Forget that.

We're gonna fix you up so we can get a really sick kid in here.

Right, Dr. Josefson?

Right.

Definitely.

Okay?

Okay.

This kid is debilitated.

His renal function's decreased.

His creatinine is elevated.

He can't survive a transplant.

According to these test results, he most certainly can.

The boy's mother's already given her consent.

DOOGIE: On your recommendation.

But statistically, he's got a better chance

if we just repair the valve.

Dr. Canfield, this kid's been in failure a long time.

Let's get him out of failure, build him up,

then do the transplant.

With all due respect to my learned colleague,

I have spent more years fixing hearts

than he has been alive.

Henry--

I do not need some 16-year-old snot-nosed genius

telling me how to do my job.

My call is to do the transplant.

Does my call stand or not?

Given the very real possibility

this boy might not survive either procedure...

yes, your call stands.

You're gonna kill him! And you don't give a crap!

Dr. Howser, you will behave.

Don't talk to me like you're my father.

You're not.

DOOGIE: "September 21, 1989.

Today is my 16th birthday,

a major milestone

because my driver's license is at long last

a reality,

which means tomorrow, Sept. 22,

I'll be behind the wheel,

on the way to the Harvest Dance

with Wanda Plenn....

the prettiest,

most beautiful girl...

in the whole world."

Aah!

Gotcha! I got you good, Howser.

Jeez, Vinnie, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Are you ready for this?

Janine Stuart gives.

Get out.

Sex, Doogie,

tomorrow night after the dance.

Wampa-wampa.

Yeah, you said the same thing

about Susie Berlutti last year.

Hey, Susie Berlutti was in the bag.

If I hadn't puked on her shoe, it would have happened.

Sure, Vinnie.

You're just jealous, pencil neck,

'cause I'm getting sex, and you never even kissed a girl.

I've kissed plenty.

Name one.

Wanda Plenn, tomorrow night.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to do it during a slow dance.

It's all figured out.

I'm gonna tell her her hair smells great.

Then I'm gonna lean in and sniff her shampoo.

Girls love getting sniffed.

Then...

I give her a lick

on her lobule auriculare.

You're gonna do it in public?

It's her earlobe, stupid.

And if she doesn't pull back,

then I know it's okay for me to give Wanda the big wet one.

DAVID: The big what?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi, Dr. Howser.

What's going on here, Vincent?

I was just visiting with Doogie, Dr. Howser,

listening to his plan to part Wanda Plenn's

pulsating red lips

with his probing pubescent tongue.

Great going.

Ahem.

Happy birthday, son.

Happy birthday, Doogie.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, cool.

It's exactly what I wanted.

I love it.

I'll be right back.

Look, Dad, here's the thing.

Tomorrow's the big dance at Brentwood.

Vinnie and I got dates and all.

And I was wondering, could I borrow your car tomorrow night?

What's wrong with your mother's car?

It's a crummy old station wagon.

It's got a lousy radio.

Well, you just got your license.

I'd like to see you get some miles under your belt

before you start using my car.

Dad, please?

No, I'm afraid not, son.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Doogie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

Make a wish, Doogie.

I already did.

Dave, here, said no.

I won't be called "Dave."

David, he's just kidding.

It's disrespectful.

No, disrespectful is treating someone like a jerky kid

just because he happens to chronologically be 16.

You're not excused from this table, young man.

Sit down.

Emotional maturity is not a function of genius, my friend.

It is a function of experience.

And you have amply demonstrated by your behavior here

that you are in short supply.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

Nothing.

MAN: I come in here, an emergency,

expecting a qualified physician

and I get a 16-year-old kid.

That's negligence, pure and simple.

If you could just hold still, Mr. Finkelstein.

You'll be holding still

for a big fat lawsuit in federal court.

Sixteen years old...

I'll let it count

for infliction of emotional distress.

Well, I'm sorry you feel this way, sir.

But as an attorney,

you must know there's no duty owed by the hospital

with respect to the age of its doctors.

Nor is there any proximate cause

connecting me to the harm suffered.

And even if you could make a case of negligence,

you don't have diversity jurisdiction

to get this into federal court.

Besides which, I'm done.

You're done?

Yep.

Seven stitches, nice and neat.

There shouldn't be much of a scar.

Oh...

Well, I guess it looks okay.

Maybe I won't sue.

Well, if you change your mind,

the statute of limitations for malpractice

is three years.

Oh.

Are you a lawyer, too, Doogie?

Nah, I just read all the books.

Listen, there's no one else waiting in the E.R.

Do you want to walk with me a minute?

Where?

Come on.

What's going on?

Doogie, we're friends, aren't we?

Uh-huh.

And friends share secrets with each other,

am I right?

Yeah, I guess.

I like younger men, Doogie.

I always have.

And on a few occasions, I've caught you--

well...

admiring me.

We should probably get back to the E.R.

And I was just wondering,

given our mutual attraction

towards each other,

and given the fact

that we'd probably function better,

professionally,

if those attractions were extinguished,

it might make sense for our...

respective fantasies

to be...

quenched.

Huh?

Oh...

Doogie monster.

DOOGIE: Oh...

Nurse Spaulding...

There's just one thing

I have to tell you

before we do this.

What's that?

Happy birthday, Doogie.

-Surprise! -Surprise!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Doogie... ♪♪

What's up?

Got an unidentified body in bin number eight.

Even money it was probably someone under your care.

Look, Doogie, about last night,

it was only a joke.

Hey, forget it.

You sure?

No problem, really.

It's just that you're such a good doctor,

we sometimes forget you're only 16 years old.

I'm sorry, too, Doogie.

The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you

or jeopardize a friendship

that means a great deal to me.

Still friends?

Yeah, still friends.

Attaboy.

Number eight?

No toe tag. That's great.

I don't know how so many bodies--

(screams)

(Doogie laughing)

All right, Vinnie!

Hey!

Hey, loosen up, you guys. It was only a joke.

That was perfect!

Woo!

DOOGIE: Yo, William.

How are you doing?

You know, when I was a little kid,

I was sick, too.

I was real sick.

What was wrong with you?

I had a disease called acute leukemia.

I got it first when I was 4,

then I had it again when I was 6.

Did you think you were going to die?

I almost did die.

I was so weak.

I had to take this medicine

that made me feel all pukey.

You know what else?

I lost all my hair.

Really?

Yeah.

But it was good, though.

It made me want to be a doctor.

When am I going to get my new heart?

It's hard to say.

It could be today or tomorrow,

or next week.

Depends on when they get one.

Where do they get it from?

The truth?

From a kid who dies.

I'm scared.

Don't be.

Getting a new heart's going to be so prime.

Will you be there when I get it?

Are you kidding?

No way I'd miss it.

Cool.

Cool.

♪ Let's do it ♪

(hip-hop music plays)

♪ Yo, all, get ready ♪

♪ Let's break out of here ♪

♪ Hasta la vista, baby♪

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ Wild thing, wild thing... ♪♪

Hey, how's it going?

Lousy. We were out in the parking lot progressing nice,

when boom, deja vu, Susie Berlutti.

You puked?

Right down the front of her dress.

She's in the bathroom cleaning up.

How about you?

You lick Wanda's lobule auricular-thing?

Not yet.

Hi, I'm back.

Can we dance to this one, Doogie?

Sure.

♪ No way ♪

♪ One way to end ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Well, I know ♪

♪ She's out there somewhere... ♪

I'm having a wonderful time.

Yeah, me, too.

My friends think it's really cool

about you being a doctor and stuff.

It must be amazing.

It's okay.

No big deal.

I'm really glad you came to the dance with me, Douglas.

I'm glad you asked me.

♪ Time unwasted ♪

♪ Got to tell her ♪

♪ These feelings way down... ♪

(sniffing)

Your hair smells great, Wanda.

Thanks.

♪ If I could hold you ♪

♪ And show you ♪

♪ Why do I hide from this love I deny ♪

♪ Baby, what can I do ♪

♪ To get through ♪

(beeping)

What's that?

My pants alarm.

My beeper.

I got to call in, Wanda.

Right now?

I'm sorry.

What happened?

He was asleep in his bed

when he suddenly started to fibrillate.

We worked on him for over an hour.

I'm sorry, Dr. Howser.

I guess there was nothing

either one of us could have done.

(knocking)

Your mother told me what happened.

I promised him he'd be okay.

I said I'd be there for him.

The first time I lost a young patient,

I cried like a baby.

As you get older, you learn to handle it.

I don't want to handle it.

If you're going to be a doctor,

you'll have to.

Why?

Why can't I just be a normal kid?

Because you're not a normal kid.

You're Doogie Howser, M.D...

B.G...

A.A.G.K.

What's that?

Boy Genius.

All-Around Great Kid.

I love you, son.

I love you, too, Dad.

Come on.

Get some sleep now.

(theme song plays)