Original subtitles

(BOTTLES RATTLING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

(BOB GROANING)

Wake up.

Morning, Mr Prentiss. You're up early.

Up early? I'm on nights this week.

# I'm losing sleep 'cause I've got to keep an eye on you

# You cannot be trusted for one night

# You're at home but you're not alone I know that's true

# I got information from

# Information from my private eye

# I can't mention names but I heard of the games

# Have been going on

# You've been double-dealing left and right

# And it hurts me so but I've got to know

# Be it right or wrong

# All that information from

# Information from my private eye

# My private eye

# Gonna keep tabs, gonna tell a story

# My private eye

# Always checking up on you

# Oh, my private eye

# Got a lot of friends, gonna tell a story

# Calling all cars, it's a quarter to three

# There's nobody home and it's worrying me

# It goes without saying that she's only playing with me #

It's true, you know. Crime is on the increase.

Certainly too much for the police to handle.

That's where people like us come in.

Oh, I'm Bob West, by the way. Private Detective.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where Flash Street is, please?

Yeah, you go through the first set of traffic lights,

to the second set and then you turn left.

- Thanks, mate. - All right.

You see, the trouble with most people today is they're not observant.

They walk around with their eyes closed,

and that's just what the criminal type's looking for.

This is where I work.

If ever there was a glamorous job, this has got to be it.

Fast cars, private yachts.

Flying off to assignments in exotic places. Fantastic.

Not that I do any of that, but the bloke I work for, he does it all the time.

(WHISTLING)

And, of course, need I say it? Women.

You know, I have never known a fellow cram so many beautiful women into one day.

My boss goes through secretaries like a chain-smoker.

This one only started this morning.

Amateur. Peering through keyholes is for the amateur.

I wasn't actually, Mr Blake. I just thought I'd dropped something on the floor.

- Bugging. Now that's the professional way. - Bugging.

Yes. And like everything else, purely a matter of technique.

Now you stick with me, and you'll soon learn to be a successful bugger.

Hurry up, Miss Walker. I want to be out of here in five minutes.

Case, Robert, case.

You mean you want me to handle one while you're away, Mr Blake?

No, I want you to hand me one now.

- My briefcase. - Oh.

I trust I'm doing the right thing, leaving you in charge while I'm away.

I'll handle things while you're away, Mr Blake. Don't worry about that.

Watch it! That's just it, I don't want you to handle things.

Just keep an eye on the place. That will be quite sufficient.

Well...

Is there nothing I can do while you're away? I mean, finish off a case or something?

To work on even the simplest of cases requires a vast reservoir of experience.

I've been here three months.

I'm talking of years, Robert, years.

You haven't even asked me to follow anybody yet.

I shall be gone for about four days.

Any problems, you know where to contact me. Hotel Majestic, Beirut.

By the way, I've arranged for a temporary secretary to deputise for Miss Walker.

She should have been here first thing this morning, but she's late.

- Right, Miss Walker. - Don't worry about a thing, Mr Blake.

I'll make sure everything's running smoothly for you.

Look, just take the messages, that's all.

Don't start messing in things which don't concern you.

No, I wouldn't dream of it.

BLAKE: Come on.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Have a nice time.

(RINGING)

Hello.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That'll be the new secretary, I bet.

Oh, I can just see her now.

Soft blonde hair, lovely slender little body,

deep sensitive eyes.

Gubbidge. Maud Gubbidge. I'm the new secretary from Rent-A-Temp.

Rent-a-what?

There must be a mistake. I mean...

This is the Blake Detective Agency, isn't it?

I was told to report to a Mr West. Is that you?

Well, yeah, but I was expecting somebody a bit...

- Older? - Well...

Now the last boss I had, he kept making improper suggestions to me.

I hope you're not going to be like that.

- Like what? - Keep making improper suggestions.

Oh, no... way.

Good. As long as the only thing I have to take down is shorthand, I don't mind.

You see, it was my body that was the trouble.

- Yeah, I can see that. - He couldn't keep his hands off it.

Really?

It got so bad, it was just unbearable, so I had to hand in my notice.

He said I aroused his primeval impulse.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I seem to have that effect on men, you know.

Well, if you wouldn't mind answering the door, please, Miss, er...

Gubbidge. Maud Gubbidge.

- Yes, what do you want? - Blake Detective Agency?

- That'll be all right, Miss Garbage. - Gubbidge.

- Yes, yes. If you'd like to step this way. - Mr Judd Blake?

Well...

- Laura Sutton. - How do you do?

Mr Blake, I'll come straight to the point.

I want you to handle a case for me immediately.

- Oh, yes. But I'm not... - No, no, no. I'll explain.

You see, I used to be a professional model.

And to be quite honest, I led a rather wild life.

That is, until I met Ashley.

Ashley Dotrice. Then it was love at first sight.

The fact that he was 87, a multi-millionaire with a bad heart condition,

had nothing to do with it, naturally.

Naturally. But, you see, the thing is, I'm not...

And last week, we were supposed to be married,

but I thought it best we didn't have a long engagement.

I mean, he'd already had three heart attacks since last Christmas.

- Last week, he had a fourth and died. - Oh, I'm very sorry.

Hmm? Oh, yes, of course, I was terribly upset.

Now the point is that I'm due to inherit his entire estate on the 25th.

- That's very nice, but the thing is... - Yes, but you see the trouble is Ashley.

Darling Ashley. You see, he was under the impression that I was still virgin.

Oh, really?

Really?

According to the terms of the will, I only inherit everything

if I've done nothing to bring the family name into disrepute.

So, you see, I have a problem.

- Problem? - Well...

I have a number of explicit photographs of myself

with a gentleman in...

A compromising situation.

- Oh! - I would like you to see them.

- Oh, yeah. I'd love to, yeah. - I feel I should explain...

Well, just pass them over and let me have a look.

You see, they came through the post yesterday morning.

Yes, well, I think I should take a look and...

They came with a note threatening to send them

to Ashley's solicitor unless I pay 50,000.

Yes, well, I can see you've got a problem there,

but if I could just have a look at them...

Mr Blake, I'm at my wits' end.

Oh, come on. They can't be that bad.

(SIGHING)

- Wow. - Exactly!

Needless to say, I don't have that kind of money.

- What? - I said I don't have that kind of money.

I can't touch any of the estate until I inherit it on the 25th.

And if I ask for some kind of a loan, then somebody might get suspicious.

You know, you photograph very well.

Thank you.

What I want you to do is to catch the blackmailer and get me the negatives.

It's incredible definition as well.

You do see the position I'm in?

You're in a very awkward position, I can see that.

Mr Blake, what do you think?

Oh, I think they're great.

Especially the one with the stick of rock...

Yes, well, um...

I think I should be able to fit you in, in between commitments.

Who do you reckon it is?

If I knew who it was, I wouldn't be here employing you, Mr Blake.

Yes, quite.

Just testing you, that's all.

Well, I think I'll kick off by following up a few leads.

- Leads? - Yes. You don't happen to have any, do you?

- Scott. - Who?

The person on the picture.

Oh, yes, I hadn't noticed him.

He's a photographer.

It could have been a set-up job, but...

Yes, well.

You know, I don't think this is going to be a particularly difficult case to solve, Miss...

Sutton.

Just leave it with me for a few days.

Everything will be all right.

Oh, don't worry. They'll be safely under lock and key.

Everything is kept strictly confidential in this business.

You're out of your head. How can you take on a job like this?

Amazing what you can do with a garlic sausage.

It's an open-and-shut case. There's absolutely nothing to it.

- Anyway, it's a cucumber, isn't it? - Nothing to it?

You don't know the first thing about being a private detective.

It's definitely a sausage.

I've seen the way Blake does it. It's dead easy.

It's just plain common sense. Nothing more.

I'll get these.

It's all right, Bob, I'll get them.

Anyway, I've got ambition, haven't I?

If I hadn't, I'd probably still be stuck in that boring old insurance office.

Might be all right for you, Derek, but me...

I'm going places.

I still say you're trying to run before you can walk. Like you always do.

That bicycle pump must have been painful.

Anyway, what about her thinking you're Blake? That is fraud.

Yeah, well, I'll tell her afterwards, when it's all over.

All right, Sherlock, what's your first move?

First, I'm going to check out this photographer guy.

Do you know, I think he's hiding the negatives at his flat.

And what are you going to do?

Knock on the door and say, "Excuse me, I'm a private detective.

"I think you're blackmailing my client. May I come in and search the place?"

Very funny. No, I'm going to go to that flat in disguise...

- Mr Radleigh? - Mr Radleigh's out at the moment.

Well, I'm from the Health Department, Rodent and Pest Control.

I've come to have a look at your mice.

- Mice? I haven't seen any mice. - Oh.

Well, anyway, I can't hang about here all day.

I mean, I've got a schedule to keep to and I've got to do the whole area.

Well, I suppose it will be all right.

I do hope you're not going to make a mess. I have just done in here, you know.

No, I'll just hunt around for any little signs and then lay a few traps.

Oh.

You don't do ants, do you?

- What? - Ants.

Oh, yeah, we do them all. Ants, mice, rats, cockroaches, weevils.

Only where I live, they come in from the garden.

Harry, that's my husband, he found a couple in his cornflakes the other morning

I mean, there they were, just swimming around as though they own the place.

Ant powder, that's what you need.

You can't put that in cornflakes, can you?

I don't suppose you'll find any in there.

Well, you never know. I mean, they eat all sorts, you know.

Clothes, woodwork, paper...

Photographs.

You, uh...

You haven't got any photographs

lying around, have you? Or negatives?

- They love negatives, you know. - I wouldn't know about that.

I'm just the home help. You'd have to ask Mr Radleigh.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Oh, I was just making myself a nice cup of tea.

I don't suppose you'd fancy one?

That's very kind. Thank you very much.

What are you doing down there?

Just looking for droppings.

Well, you won't find any of those. I've only just hoovered.

- Do you take sugar? - No, thanks.

(SLURPING LOUDLY)

Oh, yes. Well, I'm always finding things like that about the place.

He has women here, you know.

I don't mind the black ones so much. It's the big red ones I can't stand.

- What? - Ants.

Oh, ants.

My Harry found a couple in his bed the other night.

Gave him a terrible fright. He thought it was crabs.

Mind you, he is a funny man.

He always did attract nasty, creepy crawly things.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

- Oh, my God, he's back already. - What?

Quick, clear these things up.

Oh, Mr Radleigh, you did give me a surprise!

I was just finishing off.

Who's he?

Well, I hope I did right, Mr Radleigh.

This gentleman is from the government.

- From? - Pest Control.

Oh, yes. What are you? A free sample?

He says he's come about the mice.

He's come about the...

- What mice? - Well, I'm investigating the...

We haven't got any around here, so go and do your investigating somewhere else.

Goodbye.

Where the bloody hell's my camera?

Mrs Horne, have you moved it? Because I put it over there.

Oh, yes. I do remember seeing it.

"Oh, yes. I do remember seeing it."

Well, don't look at me, I'm only the... cleaner.

- What do you want to borrow them for? - I'm going to spy on him.

What are you trying to do? Get yourself arrested?

What I should have done was bug the place. I mean, it's definitely him.

Nasty type. A blackmailer if ever I saw one.

Did you get the negatives?

No, but I found a camera.

That proves it. You twit! What's that got to do with it?

I've got a camera. Everybody's got a camera.

Yeah, but not like this one. It had a big lens on it.

Well, it would do, wouldn't it? He's a photographer.

Precisely!

Why don't you just admit you haven't got the faintest idea

about what you're doing and let's all get some rest.

When I've nearly solved the case?

Anyway, look, it's time I was going.

Look, Derek, believe it or not, I do know what I'm doing.

(CRASHING)

(CRASHING)

(DOG BARKING)

(RINGING)

Emergency. Which service do you require?

Police.

I hope you don't think I do this with every photographer I work with.

No, of course not.

- Well, I can't see anyone. - He must have gone.

Only there was definitely someone outside prowling about in the bushes.

Now, now, Miss Friggin. That makes three you say you've seen in the past week.

They can't all have been sex maniacs, can they?

Oh, I don't agree. There are a lot of them about, you know.

You've really no cause for alarm.

A lot of them go for older women now. It said so in the papers.

Well, don't you worry about it, Miss Friggin.

Anyone tries to molest you, we are only around the corner.

Well, anyway, I always look under my bed, just to make sure.

- But there's never anybody there. - That's right. You keep doing that.

And I always wear a wedding ring whenever I go out.

It's where they hang about, you know, behind those bushes.

- Scott. - Mmm?

What's this? It feels like a lump of cheese.

What?

God knows. Where were we?

(MOUSE TRAP SNAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

POLICE OFFICER: Oi! You down there. Police. Hold it! Hey!

(DOG BARKING)

Hello, love. How did it go last night?

Terrific.

Like my new outfit?

I couldn't resist it. Well, it's terribly me. Don't you think?

Yeah, it's terrible.

Oh, that woman...

- Miss Sutton phoned up for you. - Oh, yeah?

Now, personally, I never liked the look of her, the minute I clapped eyes on her.

What did she want?

I suppose some men might find her attractive,

but it's only the way she's done her make-up.

Yes, all right. What did she want?

Of course, I don't need any of that, you understand,

not with my basic primitive sexuality.

Never mind all that.

Mind you, a lot of it is to do with the way you dress.

- Look, Miss Cribbage. - Gubbidge, but you can call me Maud.

Are you going to tell me what she wanted or not?

She wants you to go and stay with her.

- She what? - That's what she said.

She wants you to catch a train first thing tomorrow morning

and go down and stay with her in the country.

Oh. Great.

- Hello there. - Hello, Mr Blake.

I suppose you are wondering why I asked you down here.

I think I can guess, Laura.

Obviously, it mustn't appear as If we're having an affair.

I'll be very discreet, don't worry.

The slightest hint of a scandal, and I'd lose everything.

There's absolutely no need for anybody to find out.

Well, I have paved the way. I've said you're an old friend just down for a few days.

Good idea. Very good idea.

Er, told who?

Well, Ashley's relatives, of course. They came down for the funeral.

All key suspects obviously, huh?

They think that the estate should have gone to his daughters, Violet and Medea.

There you have your motive.

And then, of course, there's Violet's husband, Sydney,

and her stepdaughter, Clarissa.

Mmm. Well, I'll soon have that lot sorted out.

What you will find interesting is that Scott arrived late last night

and he's staying in the town.

Really? That is interesting.

Very interesting.

Hmm. Right then. Let's go, shall we?

Oh, by the way, where are we going?

Ashley's estate.

Oh, I'd rather thought we'd have booked into some little hotel, just the two of us.

Whatever for?

Well...

Oh, Ashley's estate, Grimsdyke Manor.

Grimsdyke Manor.

Craddock, this is Mr Blake.

Would you take his things to the west wing, please?

CRADDOCK: Certainly, madam.

Your coat, sir.

- Pardon? - Your coat, sir.

Oh.

Thank you.

Medea Dotrice, Judd Blake.

I see the mark of death on you.

LAURA: Judd's just staying for a few days.

Yes, I can sense he won't be with us for very long.

I have the second sight.

Would you like some breakfast? Breakfast?

- I expect you'll be hungry after your journey. - Oh, yes. Thanks very much.

- Not there. - Over here.

This is Violet, Medea's sister.

Pleased to meet you.

Nothing passes between my lips unless it's organic.

Violet's a vegetarian.

I notice you didn't introduce your friend to me, Laura.

Vi's my stepmother. I'm Clarissa.

Hello.

Pig's flesh and the embryo of an unborn chicken.

- I beg your pardon? - On your plate.

It's not good for you, you know.

MEDEA: Oh... The tea leaves.

I see nothing ahead but misery,

torment and blood.

Morning, morning, morning.

Ah, breakfast.

The morning is bright, so don't look so glum,

'cause if you do, I shall smack your bum.

(SYDNEY LAUGHING)

VIOLET: Must you be so crude first thing in the morning?

You've no sense of humour, Vi. I've told you that before.

Sense of humour? Here? Knowing that... Oh!

Let me introduce you. Judd Blake, Sydney Burke.

Ah, yes. Yes.

VIOLET: Would you like some vitamin and iron tablets?

- Very good for you, you know. - No, thanks.

I've weak blood, you see.

For God's sake, Vi, I'm trying to drink me breakfast.

Blood!

SYDNEY: Now, see what you've done. You've set her off now.

Oh, Syd, don't say anything to upset me.

You know how my nerves are. I can't take it any more.

You all live here, do you?

Here? Live here?

Knowing that...

Oh.

No, we have a house in Esher.

Sydney built it. He's a building contractor.

Do you remember that block of flats that fell down last year? They were his.

Rows and rows of concrete, all around the town.

I forgot to put the girders in and they all fell down.

(SYDNEY AND VIOLET LAUGHING)

What business you in then?

- Ornithology. - He's an orni-what?

LAURA: Bird watching.

- Tits! - Oh!

You get to see a lot of those, I suppose!

- Well, they're birds, aren't they? - They call it the bird from hell.

- What? - It's just a superstition.

Legend has it that all who are unfaithful to the owners of Grimsdyke Manor

shall die screaming in the claws of a monstrous demon.

She means that bloody great stuffed thing hanging up in the hall.

Sometimes at night, its ghostly voice can be heard across the moors,

screaming out for blood!

(CRASHING)

Right, I'm off to the river. See you later, everybody.

But you haven't eaten anything. Oh, do have a yeast tablet.

No, thank you.

I...

I don't want to appear curious, but tell me...

Marmaduke.

(GASPS)

You silly bitch.

Marmaduke Grimsdyke.

We don't talk about Marmaduke Grimsdyke.

No!

There's a young gentleman outside to see you, Miss Sutton.

A Mr Radleigh.

Oh, thank you, Craddock. Will you tell him to wait in the hall?

CRADDOCK: Very good.

Not some dark secret from your murky past, Laura, surely?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

I say, what are you doing?

- Oh, hello. - What are you doing?

- I'm bird spotting. - How exciting.

- What was your name again? - Judd. Judd Blake.

You're not related to the Hurlington Blakes by any chance?

No, I shouldn't think so.

I'm Clarissa.

Yes, I remember.

Do you fancy a little row down the river?

Well, um...

Come on, it might be fun.

All right, then.

Hadn't you better untie it first?

(GIGGLING)

- Rowlocks. - What?

- You haven't got them in your rowlocks. - Oh, yeah.

- So, how long have you known her then? - Known who?

- Laura. - Not long.

Weren't getting jealous, were you?

- Jealous? No, no. - Who is he anyway?

I don't know. Probably a good friend, I expect.

Looks a bit more than a friend to me.

Yes, well, I wouldn't know about that.

I think you were spying on them.

And what makes you think that then?

Intuition.

Oh! Oh, dear!

Oh! Quick! Grab hold of this.

Thank you very much. I've just wet my trousers, haven't I?

Oh, goodness!

CLARISSA: Don't worry, no one can see us here.

BOB: Mmm. Clarissa.

Oh, Judd.

(BOTH MOANING)

(CLARISSA PANTING)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Idiot! What the devil does he think he's playing at?

Doesn't look very good, does it?

What the hell is Blake going to say when he finds out?

- You can see everything. - I knew it.

He's just going to get himself in deeper and deeper

until he doesn't know where he's at.

She's quite pretty, I suppose. If you like that sort of thing.

We'll have to go down there first thing in the morning

and make sure he doesn't get into any more trouble.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

What are you doing here?

Just admiring the decorations. Lovely place you've got here.

I foresaw a death in my tea leaves.

Someone is about to die. I can sense it.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm sorry.

There's people popping up and disappearing all over the place.

You know, I suspect there's a secret panel here somewhere.

There are, lots of them.

You found out who it is yet?

No. I'm just searching for some clues.

But don't worry, as soon as I find some, I'll know who it is.

Look, um,

I was thinking, you know...

Later on tonight... I don't suppose you fancy a quick one...

I mean, if you're nervous about sleeping alone,

I don't mind...

It's all right. I always lock my door.

You always lock your door. Very wise.

Good night, Judd.

If I were you, I'd lock yours, too.

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

- Can I help you, sir? - What?

- Oh! - Can I help you, sir?

That... That big bird, it's very interesting.

The Grimsdyke Vulture, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's the fellow in the chain mail?

Marmaduke Grimsdyke.

We don't talk about him, sir.

I don't know why you made me come all the way out here.

Why couldn't you come to the hotel?

Are you just going to stand there or are you going to give it to me?

(SQUAWKS)

Hello there.

Hello, Percy, been a good boy then?

What happened?

It was an accident. I fell on top of him. He's out cold.

- Have you got any smelling salts? - Who is it?

Oh! It's Scott. Whatever's he doing here?

He's not breathing. Oh, my God, I've killed him.

- He's been shot. - It was an accident, I fell on top of him. I...

- He's been what? - Look.

Look, the thing to do is to keep perfectly calm and not panic.

So don't panic. Don't panic. Let's go and get the police.

I'll phone the police, and then we'll go and get the police.

No. No, no. No, wait!

- Will you wait? - What?

Obviously, it isn't an accident.

- You mean, he's been murdered? - Yes.

Oh, my God. Listen.

What do you phone for the police?

Christ, it's on the tip of my tongue. What is it?

- I mean... - Just wait. Will you just wait?

You don't understand, he's been murdered!

I know. But if you stop rushing into things, and let me think clearly.

Think clearly. Yes, that's very good. Think clearly.

999. That's what it is. I knew it was something...

Before you do anything, just sit down and let me think.

Look, if he was shot outside, we'd have heard it. Right?

- Right. - Right!

Therefore he must have crawled there,

or been placed there by somebody.

For what possible reason?

- Don't you see? - No.

To incriminate me.

That's exactly the kind of scandal that everybody was waiting for.

- We'll have to hide him. - What?

Will you shut up?

If we can just delay him being found for a few days,

until the estate is mine.

After that, it doesn't matter.

- You can't do that. - Oh, Judd, darling.

That is the answer.

What about the police?

I mean, you can't just go around hiding dead bodies.

You know, there's a law against that sort of thing.

Nobody will ever know.

There's a quarry not far from here.

He wouldn't be found for days.

No, I'm sorry, Laura. Absolutely, definitely, emphatically no.

But what we're really doing is helping the police.

Are we?

Well, Scott wasn't murdered here. He was murdered somewhere else,

so by us moving the body, we are stopping the police from being confused.

I don't think they will see it quite like that somehow.

Especially if they find out.

(CRASHING)

- Good evening, Craddock. - Good night, madam.

As soon as it's light, you can get rid of it properly.

What do you mean, "as soon as it's light"?

Well, it's going to look suspicious if you try and get rid of it in the middle of the night.

Oh, Judd, you don't know what this means to me.

About...

About 10 years I should think, if they find out.

Come on.

- Morning, sir. - Morning.

I shouldn't think you can see much behind with that on the back.

Well, I saw you.

It's contrary to the Motor Vehicles Construction and Use Regulations,

Section 40, sub-paragraph 5,

Road Traffic Act 1972.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Officer, I didn't realise that I was contravening...

Where's your spare wheel?

Well, it's in the back, I suppose. Why?

You're gonna need it. You've got a flat tyre.

Right, sir, if you'd care to get out of the car, I'll give you a hand.

- It shouldn't take long. - That's all right, Officer.

Actually I can manage on my own. It's going to be okay.

In spite of what the public thinks, we do like to help sometimes.

Now you're gonna need a hand with this, otherwise you'll never get the wheel out.

Right, if you'd like to take the other end. Ready? One, two, three.

What have you got in here then, a body?

It's all right, actually, thank you, Officer. I can manage very well now.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Oh, all right then. Bye.

Did I leave my gloves here? Oh. There they are.

Bye.

(MOTORBIKE ENGINE STARTING)

Having a spot of bother?

Yes.

I thought you were.

I'm Sally. I'm a housewife.

- Really? - Rather boring really, being a housewife.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thank you.

Would you like to wash your hands?

Oh, yes, I wouldn't mind actually. Thanks very much.

I did enjoy our little chat outside. It was really interesting.

Fascinating.

That's how you get to know people, isn't it? By chatting.

- Have you... Have you got a towel? - Pink or blue?

- Well, I'm easy. - I thought you might be.

You've got that look about you.

(WHIP CRACKING)

I knew you'd be just game for anything the moment I saw you out there.

No, no. I didn't mean that...

Does it do things for you? I see all the sex films, you know.

Hot Lust and Sweaty Thighs. Nuns in Rubber.

Now look, I mean, I didn't... I just... I thought that...

Well, ordinary sex gets so boring, doesn't it?

Especially with Frederick. He's my husband.

He's got no imagination. Not like the milkman.

You'd be amazed what he gets up to with his extra pint of...

Then it's into the high heel boots and Gestapo uniform

for a quick bit of The Night Porter with the gasman.

How about a bit of Last Tango in Paris?

- I've got loads of butter in the fridge. - Oh, Christ.

I would have suggested Deep Throat,

but I tried it with the window cleaner last week and nearly choked myself.

Look, love. I only came in here to get me hands washed.

- Oh! I love it when they play hard to get. - Leave it out!

- Lost it? - It was an accident.

How could you?

I just turned my back for a second, that's all, and then it was gone.

- I was washing my hands. - Washing your hands?

Look, I had to change the wheel, didn't I? And then this woman came out,

but that was after the policeman pulled me up.

Well, he didn't exactly pull me up. But he wanted to change the wheel,

I had to help him, otherwise it would have looked suspicious, wouldn't it?

I had to and I did.

And then this funny woman came out with kinky black leather, boots, whip...

The trunk! Where is it?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, no. What are you two doing down here?

Why? What have you done now?

I don't believe it. I just do not believe it. Even you couldn't be that stupid.

All right. I'll admit there's been a slight error of judgement on my part.

Error? Do you realise what you've got yourself into?

Following somebody about with binoculars is one thing, but murder?

You've really landed yourself in it this time.

It's no good you keep going on about it. I mean, I didn't murder him, did I?

I'll admit that things haven't gone quite as I'd liked them to...

There's no talking to him. I give up. I just give up.

Oh, I'm sure he was only trying to help.

I told you not to take this case in the first place, but you wouldn't listen to me.

But I've solved it. I mean, I know who murdered him.

It's just a question of proving it, that's all.

What do you mean, you know who murdered him?

- I do. His accomplice. - Then why haven't you told the police?

Well, because I'm not quite sure exactly who the accomplice is yet,

- but I've got some suspects. - Suspects.

You wait until you see how strange the butler's been acting lately.

What does that Miss Sutton have to say about it?

She reckons the best thing to do is to try and solve the case as quickly as possible.

Listen, that trunk has probably been opened already,

and if it has, it will be no time at all before it is traced back to this place,

so you go to the police before they come to you and you tell them everything.

I can't do that. I promised Laura.

It's the only chance you've got of getting yourself out of this mess,

short of pleading insanity. On second thought, that's probably your best chance.

Look, if I tell the whole story, Laura will inherit nothing.

Well, so what?

It's better than being an accessory and going to prison for the rest of your life.

MAUD: He's right, you know.

- WOMAN: Is the plumber there? - No, no. I'm sorry, he hasn't been here.

- Do send him round. - Yes, I'll tell him as soon as he comes.

Good-bye, ma'am.

(CLEARS THROAT) The Inspector, please.

Oh, yes. You've come to the wrong place. He's not here.

- Pardon? - No, I just had his wife on the phone.

- Wondered what happened to you. - What happened to me?

- Yes. She expects you. - Really?

Yes. You'll find his house, Number 6, on the right, the one with the red door.

Well, what are you waiting for?

- The one with the red door? - The one with the red door.

Thank goodness you're here. I was getting quite desperate.

- Do come in. - Thank you.

The kitchen's at the back.

I tried to do it myself, but it wasn't really very satisfactory.

What I really needed was a nice long tool to poke it with properly,

if you see what I mean. I hunted about for hours,

but I couldn't find anything satisfactory.

Finally I decided the only thing to do is to get a man round instead.

- Yes, well, actually, I've come to... - Solve my little problem. Yes, I know.

I do hope you've got the right equipment for it.

It's probably just tea leaves.

Oh, no, no. You've got it wrong. I'm not...

- Quite sure what it is. I do understand, Mr... - West.

You see, well, everyone thinks it's Blake.

How strange. Blake doesn't sound a bit like West.

I suppose you'll probably try to suck it out with your little plunger.

Drink?

- Say when. - When.

- What? - When.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

My goodness, you certainly like your drink, don't you?

I like a man who's not afraid to admit It.

Listen. When I came round,

I thought your husband was going to be here.

Oh, he won't be home for ages yet. Why don't you come and sit down?

Cheers.

- Cheers. - Is it getting hard?

- Pardon? - Finding work?

Oh, yeah, well...

- Look, are you sure about your husband? - Positive.

- He is the Inspector? - Yes.

And he's a very difficult man to live with, I can tell you.

- Oh, really? - I don't want you to get the wrong idea,

but I get the kind of feeling that you're the sort of man I could really depend on.

But...

- What about the husband? - Oh, he won't be back for ages yet.

Plenty of time.

Mummy!

Mummy!

Mum! Mummy!

What are you doing?

Mummy's just having a little chat with the plumber.

Why are you lying down?

Don't ask silly questions. Do as I told you and go to bed.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll go.

- Where did he come from? - Upstairs. My God.

Quick!

(DOOR OPENING)

WOMAN: Hello, Willy. Is your mummy in?

WILLY: Yes. She's with the plumber.

Oh, Mrs Grimpton. What a lovely surprise.

- I do hope I'm not interrupting anything. - Oh, no.

Why were you jumping up and down on top of Mummy?

Willy dear, it's way past your bedtime.

- Daddy! - Hello, hello, little man. Want to come up?

There, what a big Willy I've got.

Hello, hello, hello. What's going on here then?

Darling, you're home early.

I just popped in to tell you I'm working late tonight.

That missing person business at the hotel. Turned out nasty, I'm afraid.

Afternoon, Mrs Grimpton. How's the Reverend?

Bearing up as usual.

Daddy, why don't plumbers wear any trousers?

Darling, that's the plumber. He's just come to unblock the sink.

Plumber? Local, are you?

Why has he put his trousers back on, Daddy?

Does that mean he's not going to jump up and down any more?

Excuse me, mate. Is this where the blockage is?

Crikey. Is that the time? Well, I'll just have to be running along

because I've got a few more appointments...

Then the real plumber came in and it...

Somebody just put this underneath my bedroom door.

"The Burlesque Club. Table five, 10:00 sharp.

"Bring the money in used notes."

Yes, well, that's where he's made his final mistake, isn't it?

What final mistake?

Well, I give him the money, he hands over the negatives and then I nab him.

- You nab him? - Yeah. I'll just wait for him to expose himself,

and then I'll pinch him.

Well, as long as he doesn't get sidetracked like some people we could mention.

All I want to know is where am I going to get 50,000 from?

Don't you worry, love.

I know exactly how these things are done.

LAURA: Do you really think that's going to work?

Never fails.

See, you just put the proper money at the top and it all looks real.

- I wonder who it's going to turn out to be? - The butler.

- That's who did it, the butler. - How do you work that one out?

Call it a hunch, if you like.

- Call it a wild guess. - You'll see.

Look, I didn't like to voice my suspicions beforehand,

but tonight after he turns up at that club, I'll have all the proof I need.

- You'd better. Otherwise I'm in trouble. - Don't worry.

It'll be the butler. He's the blackmailer.

He's also a murderer.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I know how to look after myself.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

VIOLET: You know, I don't think this is such a good idea.

These sort of things always make me feel so nervous.

MEDEA: Father would wish us to speak with him.

SYDNEY: I don't understand why, he had no time for you while he was alive.

- What are you lot doing now? - We're going to have a seance.

Where's Judd? Maybe he'd like to join us.

Oh, he went to visit someone in town.

- You'll be joining us though, won't you? - Oh, no, I don't think so.

I think Father's going to be very upset if you don't have a word with him.

Listen, birdie, if I've got to sit through this blasted nonsense, you can as well.

- Cloth! - Yes. Well, this is nice, isn't it?

- I always did like having my fortune told. - Lights!

Now if we all place our index finger very lightly on top of the glass.

We are having a seance, round we all sit. If you want my opinion, it's a right load of...

(CHANTING)

Everyone place their hands gently on the table, fingers lightly touching.

(CLICKS)

What was that?

- Is there anybody there? - My God!

(BANGS)

Who is it? Speak! Speak!

Who's there? Speak! Speak!

(GASPS)

I need a bloody drink.

Someone touched me! Oh!

Yes, yes. There's definitely someone in the room. I can feel it. I can feel it.

Father, Father, is it you?

Oh, my God. Supposing it's Marmaduke Grimsdyke?

- Marmaduke, if it is thou, be gone, I say! - Marmaduke, piss off.

Who is it? Answer me, Father. If it is you then answer me.

One knock for yes.

Two knocks for no.

(FOUR KNOCKS)

MEDEA: One knock for yes, two knocks for no.

(FOUR KNOCKS)

Who is it? Speak! Speak! Who is it?

It's only me, madam. Inspector Hogg, to see you.

Sorry to disturb you like this. Just a few routine enquiries, that's all,

in connection with a Mr Scott Radleigh. I believe he called here yesterday morning.

Wasn't that the fellow who came to see Laura?

Nothing that might create a scandal, I hope.

- You knew him, did you? - Well, slightly, from when I was a model.

I see.

Are you also acquainted with a Mr and Mrs Boodle

- of 36 Abersham Crescent, Reading? - Oh, no.

- They moved there yesterday. - What's that got to do with Scott?

He fell out of a trunk while they were unpacking.

I'm sorry to have to tell you, he'd been shot.

- (GASPING) Shot? - Surely you don't suspect Miss Sutton, sir.

- Think of the scandal. - Just a few routine enquiries, that's all.

- I saw it. I saw it all. - You witnessed it?

In the tea leaves. The curse of the Grimsdyke Vulture.

(ZELDA SCREAMING)

I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

Good heavens. What's that plumber doing under the table?

He's not a plumber. He's a bird watcher.

Well, he wouldn't find any under there.

If I could have a word with you in private, please, Inspector? Please?

He was the first to die. There will be more.

The tea leaves never lie.

So you see, Inspector, I'm not a plumber, nor am I a bird watcher.

I'm a private detective, and I'm down here on a case

and I just didn't want anybody to find out, that's all.

What were you doing at my house with my wife?

Well... Well, I felt that I should let you know who I was,

what I was doing down here, just in case you were wondering.

I see. Nothing to do with this Scott Radleigh business?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just down here checking up on somebody, that's all.

Now you just watch your step. I don't like private detectives, never have.

- Bloody amateurs. - Yeah.

Well, if I can be of any assistance...

You just keep your nose out of it or you and me will fall out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I rather think I'd better be getting along, don't you?

- Do you mind if I ask you a question? - No.

What were you doing jumping up and down?

Oh, it was cramp. I get terrible cramp.

You have to keep moving with it, you see, otherwise...

Cramp?

Hello, Wilfred Crimble, Press. My card.

- What? - My card.

- Who let you in here? - Been a murder, isn't it?

- Fancy giving us an exclusive? - Certainly not. Now shove off.

Not about how you're actually a private detective.

How did you know that?

I overheard your conversation with Inspector Hogg over there.

What's going on here?

Derek, deal with him, will you? I've got to go.

Hello, Crimble, Press. You one of the murder suspects?

- Well... - Care to say a few words, would you? Slowly.

- Look... - How well did you know the dead body?

- No... - "No...

- Comment. - "Comment."

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Oi. Where do you think you're going?

- Inside. - You a member, are you?

Well, no, but I'm supposed to be meeting somebody here.

- Who? - Well, I'm not sure exactly.

What do you mean, you're not sure?

Well, I won't know who it is until I get inside, if you...

No, I don't, mate.

There must be a reservation booked. Table Number Five.

Why?

Because that's where I'm going to meet whoever it is.

Table Number Five, 10:00 sharp.

- Nothing here. - Look, it's important that I get in there.

- My name is... My name's Judd Blake. - Yeah?

Well, no, it isn't. Actually, it's Bob West, but the thing is...

Look, I don't know who you are, mate.

You're not a member, you ain't got a table booked,

you don't know who you're meeting and I don't like you, so piss off.

Look, I've got to get in there, it's very important. I've got to deliver this case.

What's important?

All right, I'll level with you.

I'm a private detective.

A private detective. Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

Of course, that makes all the difference.

(CRASHING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Who? Did he? Right.

(INDISTINCT)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for.

The star of our show, the fabulous Miss Lisa Moroni.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

- You'll miss your cue. - What? What?

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

# I'm Moroni with an "l" Not Moroni with an "E"

# 'Cause Moroni with an "E" means stupid

# Like "time" without a "T" I'm a "P" without a bow

# 'Cause I haven't got a bow like cupid

# Miss Helen of Troy When she didn't have a boy

# Sailed across the sea to Paris

# And Mac with a Beth couldn't wait to get

# When he rode behind his heiress

# So little old me With a M-O-R-O-N-I spells "Moroni"

I thought we booked four girls? Who's the big ugly blonde?

# Lonely

# So terribly Ionely

# Like fromage

# With no macaroni

# So if a guy with a "'Y" Tries to sample my salami

# I'll wink with an eye and please with a "D", Moroni

# Ain't that B-A-R-M-Y barmy #

- Hey, you. - What?

Nothing.

LISA: I mean... I mean, I'm just... Well, I'm just terrific.

I mean, you're terrific.

Oh, if Momma could only see me now, right?

Listen, now I'd like to do a song, it really means very much to me.

Like being in the movies, or like... Like being here tonight.

But I want you to know, this is my favourite song.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

# Momma told me all about propriety

# Not getting stuck in a rut

# But a girl's got to guard her integrity

# So give me my diamonds uncut

# And give me the real thing

# Make my pendulums swing

# Don't want no mail order thing

# Give me the real, real thing

# Real thing #

Good evening, my dear. Delighted to see you.

What can I get you to drink?

Pint of bitter.

Pint of bitter for a lovely little girl like you? You should be drinking champagne.

Waiter, bring me a bottle of the best champagne you have, will you?

I'm Sir Basil Lemmington. Call me Bas if you like, makes no difference to me.

- What's your name? - Look, let's leave names out of it, shall we?

You coy little temptress, you!

Pardon my asking, but you have the most delightful set of knockers.

Or have you? I can't see from here.

Come here and let me have a better look.

# They live life the nouveau riche way

# You know all I need is a roof and a bed

# As long as it's in St Tropez

# Give me the real thing, come on

# And make my pendulums swing #

Look, let's stop fooling around and get down to business, shall we?

- How much? - £50,000.

Fifty thousand? It's a bit pricey, isn't it?

- I've never paid more than 40. - All right, all right, 40. Let's not quibble.

The thing is, how do I know you've got the goods?

I beg your pardon?

You don't think I'm going to give you what you want without seeing what you've got.

You mean I've gonna get it out here and show you?

Well, there might be something missing.

- There wasn't this morning. - How am I supposed to know that?

What kind of a sucker do you take me for?

Anyway, I'm not doing anything until I see what you've got.

# Don't want no mail order thing

# And give me the real, real thing

# Real thing #

Supposing somebody sees?

Get it out under the table. Just a quick flash.

All right, I will if you will.

# Don't want no mail order thing

# And give me the real, real thing #

Just a quick glimpse, that's all you're getting, and then I want those negatives.

- What negatives? - The negatives I'm supposed to be buying.

BASIL: I'll buy you anything if you'll come back to my place.

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Thank you. No, that's fine. I'll be fine. Really.

- Hi there. - Hi.

Look, I expect you're wondering what I'm doing behind the curtain,

- dressed like this, but... - It happens all the time.

- Autograph hunters, they'll try anything. - No, no.

Look, I'm a private detective.

- I've come to... - You're the guy Rosco's looking for?

- Shh. - Isn't this terrific?

You know, ever since I was a little girl, I've had secret fantasies about dicks.

Are you here to investigate the boss's illegal activities?

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

You don't know what you're missing.

I'm engaged to his son, Legs Luigi. Oh, Lisa Moroni, by the way.

You've probably heard of me. I'm an international superstar.

What did you say your name was?

- Blake. Judd Blake. - Judd Blake?

- Yeah. - The Judd Blake?

- Yeah. - Oh, that is terrific.

Listen. What are you investigating? Murder, blackmail?

- Murder and blackmail. - Well, that's terrific. How can I help you?

Well, for a start, you could get me out of here.

I've got an idea.

Okay, fellows, could you just bring it in here? Be very careful.

There are valuable things in it. Place it there.

That's beautiful. Thank you, fellows, thank you. Okay.

- Where are we? - This is my place.

- You okay? - I've gone all stiff.

- Really? - Look, I'm...

I'm very grateful to you for helping me to get out.

Listen, it's nothing. You can show your gratitude later.

Maybe you'd care to take a shower, huh? The bathroom's through there.

I'll fix us a couple of drinks.

All right.

I can't stay too long.

I've got to get back so as I can finish off solving the case I'm on.

So what's a couple of hours?

Terrific.

Drink?

Thanks.

- Legs. - Bugsy. What are you doing here, huh?

You been with my Lisa? I kill you, I kill you.

We just took some costumes up to her apartment, that's all.

- How do I know you tell me the truth? - On my mother's grave, I swear it.

Your mother is not even dead.

So is that my fault?

Nobody makes a fool of Legs Luigi.

The one thing I don't like is other men being with my Lisa.

They start getting ideas. Usually the ones that she gives them.

# I'm Moroni with an "l"

# Not Moroni with an "E"

# 'Cause Moroni with an "E" means moron #

Right, you two stand guard here, huh?

Surprise, surprise.

Lisa, it's me, your little Legs.

Lisa? Hey, Lisa, open the door. Lisa?

(DOOR RATTLING)

LISA: Legs, fancy you coming round.

LEGS: Who is in the shower? LISA: Oh, no one.

LEGS: I don't believe you. There's somebody in the shower.

LISA: I was running that shower for myself.

How come the door, she is locked from the inside, huh?

You know what these doors are like, they're always sticking.

See?

Oh, Legs! Legs, my darling.

- Oh, Legs. - Lisa.

I got some flowers for you, huh.

These are men's clothes. What are they doing here, huh?

- Costumes. - Costumes?

Yeah, for a new number. I've been rehearsing.

# Follow the yellow brick road, ha-ha #

Costumes, huh? You've got somebody in here. A man, yes? Where is he?

You can really be a jerk sometimes. You're so jealous!

Mama mia, I kill him, I kill him. Where is he, huh?

Legs... Legs, don't be... Legs! Legs, listen.

- Legs, there is nobody here. Really. - Hiding in the wardrobe?

- Really, Legs. - LEGS: He must be here.

LISA: No. There isn't, Legs.

- There is no one here. - Under the bed, huh?

- Legs. - Under the bed.

- No, nobody under the bed. - Lf I get him, I kill him.

Under the bed, huh?

- Or behind the curtains. - Jesus Christ.

A-ha!

Behind the curtains, huh?

You're laughing at your little Legs, huh? You think I'm stupid, huh?

Well, I tell you. Nobody laughs at Legs Luigi.

Legs, why don't we just have a drink, huh?

- Right. Then I rip your knickers off, huh? - Terrific.

I'll hang up the coat and you get the drinks, huh?

You say no. No, I tell you. You get the drinks, I put the jacket away.

What do you think I am? Stupid?

Nobody makes a fool of Legs Luigi. Nobody.

Nobody makes a fool of Legs Luigi. Nobody makes a fool...

Hey, Legs, I got a better idea.

Why don't we just skip the drinks and do the knickers bit instead, huh?

That's a good idea. What you doing, huh? You spoil the buttons on my shirt.

Don't be so silly, darling. Don't you know I'm so divinely decadent.

- Okay, Valentino. Hit it! - Oh, Lisa, my darling.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

It's no good. Something must have happened.

Otherwise he wouldn't have stayed out all night.

- You know what he's like. - Yes, that's what worries me.

Well, maybe he found out who the blackmailer was and got held up.

Maybe he's found out who the blackmailer is and got himself murdered.

- No, I'll have to go and get the police. - You going to phone them?

No, somebody might hear me, and that somebody might be the blackmailer.

- Do you want me to come with you? - No, you stay here in case he comes back.

I just hope he won't be too hurt when he finds out about us.

It could break his heart.

I have that effect on men, you know.

I'll go and get the police.

Morning, Craddock. Blake in?

I haven't seen him, sir. He's probably upstairs in his room.

Right.

I've got something really good here.

- Haven't you ever heard of knocking? - Oh, no!

You miss more scoops that way.

Yes, well you're not going to have one of me starkers for a start.

This is slightly more important.

Right, where's Judd? I want to show him this.

I was thumbing through the back issues of the newspaper last night and I found it.

What about it?

Well, look at it! Look at the photo of the regatta.

Who is standing there?

Can't see a thing without my glasses. Hang on.

It's that bloke who was murdered, Scott Radleigh.

Can you see who he's standing next to?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, yes.

Now my deal is this.

I wont take this to the police,

if Judd will give us an exclusive on whatever it is he's up to at the moment.

- Conniving little sod, aren't you? - Yeah.

Where's Judd then?

That's what we'd all like to know.

(LIGHT KNOCKING)

Lisa.

Lisa.

Shh!

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

(GUN CLICKING)

- Oh, no, please. - Oh, my!

- No, please. - Say your prayers, my friend.

No, no, please. Please!

I'll cut you into little pieces!

No, listen...

Couldn't we talk this over?

No, please.

Isn't it terrible? He just fainted.

Oh, terrific!

Shit!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Shalom.

(SHOUTING)

Mr Purdy. Purdy & Purdy, Solicitors.

Ah, yes. You were expected, sir.

If you could assemble everyone together, so that I can dispose of this business

of the late Mr Ashley Dotrice's will and hand over the estate accordingly.

Most definitely, sir.

- Have you seen Miss Sutton anywhere about? - I believe she went to the stables.

Come on.

Here! You're supposed to be dead.

Sorry to disappoint you, love. I discharged myself from hospital this morning.

- You haven't got the money, have you? - It's in the house.

So are the negatives, with my partner,

who should be handing them over to Mr Purdy any minute now.

Looks like you've lost the estate, doesn't it, darling?

Oh, no, it doesn't.

You see, we happen to know who your partner is.

- You're bluffing. - Show him, Wilfred.

Listen, if I don't turn up inside that house

in the next few minutes to say you've paid up,

Purdy will get those negatives.

What you going to do, darling? Shoot us?

You weren't very successful last time, were you?

This time I'll make sure.

I never did like the look of her from the start.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CAR HONKING)

WOMAN: Hey!

Look, I'm sorry about your car, love, but...

- I can't get the key out. - Stand back. Let me.

These terms named Miss Laura Sutton as sole heir to his whole estate and fortune.

And this inheritance is to take place at 12 noon today,

- on the 25th of this month... - It was her!

Shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer,

but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty.

(BOB GROANING)

O holy and merciful saviour, thou...

Thou most worthy judge eternal, suffer us not at our last hour for any pains of...

BOB: Where am I?

Here, give us a hand...

(SIREN WAILING)

(WOMEN SHOUTING)

(ALL ARGUING)

Brakes!

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMING)

Amateur, Robert, amateur.

I did almost solve It.

You shouldn't have been solving anything.

A little slower and a little lower please, Miss Walker.

Don't be too hard on him. Everything has worked out all right in the end.

Maud and I are getting engaged.

The estate going to the two daughters, as it should.

Radleigh and Clarissa inside for blackmail, and Laura for attempted murder.

Yes, I never did like the look of her from the start.

There's one thing I don't quite understand.

Who was it that Bob was suppose to meet in the club that night?

Somebody Clarissa or Scott would have sent along to do the pick-up.

It's very simple. In fact, from the sound of it,

the whole case was pretty obvious from the start.

Yeah. Well, I nearly got it right.

Yes, well, you don't become a famous detective

by nearly getting things right, Robert.

But I had suspects. I'm very good at suspects.

I think you should be grateful I haven't decided to fire you.

I am, Mr Blake.

Good, then how would you like to crack a case for me?

Really?

What kind of case is it, Mr Blake?

A case of champagne to celebrate that young couple's happy engagement.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BLAKE SCREAMING)

# Calling all cars, it's a quarter to three

# There's nobody home and it's worrying me

# It goes without saying that she's only playing with me

# And I'm losing sleep 'cause I've got to keep my eye on you

# You've been double-dealing left and right

# You're at home but you're not alone and I know that's true

# I've got information from

# Information from my private eye #