Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

* *

This is my show!

* *

[upbeat music]

- Hello, everyone, and welcome to my show!

Today's episode is

"Try This at Home."

So kids, get ready--

- Wrong!

More like, "Don't try this anywhere."

I mean, how is that dynamite even staying in the toaster?

Is this anti-gravity dynamite or--

- Bubble Bass!

I'm doing a load, so send up your dirties!

- Mother, I am busy making art!

- Well, I'm busy doing laundry,

so put your stinky little costume in the basket!

- It is a uniform, and you know it!

[groans]

I hate it.

It's trash. Ugh!

"The Bubble Bass Reviews Show."

Welcome to "The Bubble Bass Reviews Show,"

episode 674.

Today's review, "The Patrick Show,"

with me, your host, Bubble Bass.

Now, let us begin as we always do

with our first segment,

"You Can't Do That in Real Life."

Oh, uh, let me move my mouse out of the way.

[giggling]

Wait, you're not supposed to see this!

The right clip this time, just watch.

- Today's been really nice. - Yeah.

- Look at this-- fire underwater?

You can't do that in real life!

[laughs]

I hope someone gets fired for this.

[snorting]

- Bubble Bass, pizza bagels are ready!

- Pizza bagels!

Oh, boy!

- Special treat for a special boy.

- Thank you, Mother.

Oh, joy, I--is that on?

[static buzzing]

Excelsior!

Patrick's tooth-shaped mystery

shall never be solved,

which brings us to our next segment, "You Goof'd!"

Today's goof is from episode 054.

- Well, here goes nothing!

[grunt]

- Ah! Doh!

- There!

The baseball clearly enters frame right to left,

whereas, previously, it was traveling left to right.

The shots don't hook up.

My immersion is ruined!

You had one job, and you goof'd!

[laughter]

Nya, nya, kitten princess.

Limited edition My Tidy Seahorse.

And now--

[squelching]

[belch]

Bubble Bass Reviews is brought to you by canned nacho cheese.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's time for a word from your mama.

- Mother! - Nuh-uh.

I pay the bill for the worldwide internets,

and I can interrupt your sad little show any time I want.

- But, Ma!

- Shush, you.

Listen up, home viewers.

My son needs help.

He's pathetic. He needs a job.

Maybe one of youse knows someone who's hiring.

Full disclosure, he is not good at anything.

Maybe he can work in animation.

- Ma!

Only losers work in animation!

- Ugh, look at this.

There's skid marks on all his underwear!

Oh, and he buys multiples of the same superhero dolls.

- Hey, those are mint on card!

- Home viewers, hear a mother's plea!

Please, somebody, pretend to be his friend.

Take him outdoors.

He hasn't been exposed to natural light in 12 weeks!

[dramatic music]

- [hisses]

- It is a gosh darn tragedy, I am telling you.

[door slams]

- Uh, anyway, moving right along,

let us take a look at another clip

from episode 227F of "The Patrick Show."

- Oh, no!

My pants fell down.

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, somebody help me!

- Every episode of this show should be tossed

in a dumpster and set on fire!

"The Patrick Show" is a crime against humanity,

and--and--and everyone involved with it

should be thrown in jail!

Patrick for starring in it, Squidina for producing it,

and the lawnies for watching it!

I'm just glad my audience isn't that pathetic.

Right, fellas?

"Bubble Bass Reviews is the greatest show ever!"

[giggling] I couldn't agree more.

- Bubble Bass. - [gulps]

- You had better not be talking to your dolls again!

[door slams]

- [laughs nervously]

Anyhoo, let's get back to business.

[clears throat]

"The Patrick Show"

is the worst show on television!

Patrick Star and Squidina are the enemies of the state.

Oh, they make me so angry!

[blabbering]

- [sighs] I guess Bubble Bass isn't

exactly a fan of the show.

- Well, maybe we ought to go have a little talk with him.

[ominous music]

[thunder crashes]

Oh, and we better bring an umbrella,

since it just started raining.

- Good call! - Call who?

- Touchdown!

[buzzer blares]

Need another reason not to watch "The Patrick Show"?

Look at this.

Patrick's got a regular sea star hand.

Three scenes later, he's got thumbs.

Ugh! So enraging!

It makes me want to hate-eat an entire box of powdered donuts!

[thunder crashes]

Ugh!

One box wasn't enough.

I'm still angry!

I need more hate donuts!

- Bubble Bass, your friends are here to see you.

- Friends?

But I don't have any.

- Said their names are Patrick and Squidina.

- Patrick and Squidina?

OK, show's over!

Tell them I'm not home!

Whew.

[panting]

[thunder rumbling]

[gasps]

[knocking]

- Bubble Bass!

- Bubble Bass!

- [whimpering]

Ahh!

My mint condition action figures!

Ahh! My comic books!

Ooh, my retro gaming console!

[dramatic music]

Ahh!

[whimpering]

- We've been watching your show, Bubble Bass.

- Yeah, we heard everything you said about us.

- Ahh!

Mother!

Mother!

[upbeat music playing on headphones]

- Bubble Bass.

- [squeals]

- We watched every episode.

- Ahh!

[grunting]

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm so, so, so, so sorry!

I'm sorry for everything!

- Thank you.

- Your hours of constructive criticism

of "The Patrick Show" have been enlightening.

- Huh?

- Your show changed our lives!

It showed us all the things "The Patrick Show"

was doing wrong, so we can fix them!

- We were so inspired, we decided to return the favor.

- We made our own review show to review your review show!

- [whimpering]

both: It's time for "Review Review"!

- The show where we review Bubble Bass reviews.

Patrick, take it away.

- Normally, when you stain your clothes, you feel embarrassed,

but that's what we love about Bubble Bass--

no shame.

Let's take a look at some of Bubble Bass'

most memorable stains.

- [gulping]

- Episode 26, grape juice!

- Poorly produced--

Honestly--

- Episode 32, oatmeal.

Episode 41, ketchup.

And episode 48, chocolate syrup.

There are 527 more stain examples,

but we just don't have the time!

Squidina.

- Bubble Bass throws a lot of tantrums,

so we made a supercut of the loudest ones!

- Oo-ahh!

Mother!

No!

[sobbing]

- It's super entertaining, Patrick.

- Bubble Bass works really hard.

You could tell because all that sweat that comes off him.

It's like Niagara Falls, for crying out loud.

- [shouting]

- This episode has 2 billion views already.

- Pretty cool, huh, Bubs?

- [screaming]

- I can't believe it.

My son is outdoors,

participating in physical activity!

And it's all thanks to his new friends.

- [groaning]

[light music]

* *

- Hey! The sun's coming out!

- Bubble Bass, you get back here

and put on some sunscreen!

You're gonna get burned!

- I'll be fine, Mother!

[upbeat music]

* *

- Prison, prison.

I want to see prison.

- I am so happy to get to spend

Take Your Child to Work Day with my big boy.

- Stop, Mom!

You're embarrassing me.

Aw, I dropped my ice cream down my pants.

Huh, oddly refreshing.

- Oh, nonsense.

Now, Patrick, always remember

the most important rule of prison.

Have fun!

Welcome to prison.

Have a wonderful time.

Oh!

Now you turn that frown upside down, mister.

- Say, maybe prison won't be so bad after all.

- Oh, can I be the prison greeter now?

[tires screeching]

Welcome to prison, bus!

Come on in!

- Oh!

- Gee, Mom, your job is hard.

I think I need a break.

[gurgling]

A bathroom break.

[toilet flushing]

[snapping]

Whoa.

Oh, now, this is a bathroom!

It's got everything I need--

a toilet, a bed...

and a second bunk-style bed,

and my very own--

ooh, Sockeye Sammy?

- Hey! What gives?

- [screams] I'm sorry!

I didn't know this bathroom was occupied!

- This kid thinks this place is the bathroom?

[laughs] He must be an idiot.

Hmm, maybe a useful idiot.

Hey, kid.

Sorry I was so mean before.

The bathroom is all yours.

You couldn't even have my special bathroom suit.

- Whoa!

Ooh.

So much nicer than my normal bathroom suit.

The horizontal stripes show off my fulsome roundness.

* *

- Hey, hey, enjoy the bathroom, pal.

- Way ahead of you, buddy.

[ominous music]

- Easy.

I'll just blend in with the crowd.

[giggling]

- Halt!

You ain't going nowhere

without a souvenir from the confiscated item bin.

- Gee, thanks, mister.

I'm free--oh!

- Oh, Patrick, it's time to go!

Oh, here you are, Patrick.

This is no time to play roadkill.

I'm gonna fix you up some dinner,

and you'll feel all better.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

Can you help me find my mom?

I need to get out of here.

- You hear that, fellas?

This guy wants his mommy-wommy to take him home.

[laughter]

- That uniform means you're stuck here, Jack.

You're a prisoner now, like us!

[gurgling]

- So that means,

I'm gonna miss dinner!

[sobbing]

- You know, we have a cafeteria.

- Show me.

[jazzy music]

* *

- Get away from me!

* *

- Wow, this place is great!

They serve an entire meal on a giant metal cracker.

[all gasping]

- Did you see that, guys?

- Oh, that's nothing.

I could eat 50 trays.

- Hey, I bet you can't eat 100 trays.

[all exclaiming]

One.

Two.

Three.

[tires screech]

- OK, we're home, just in time for dinner.

- Finally.

I better make my escape, yeah. [police sirens wailing]

- [gasps]

Yeah, dinner sounds great.

- What's on the menu tonight, hon-bun?

- I figured I'd cook a gourmet treat.

- All right!

- Boot souffl� with garbage au rotten.

[dramatic music]

- [gagging]

Actually, I'm not really that hungry.

[all gasp]

- Not hungry?

Better call the police.

An imposter switched places with my son.

* *

- Oh, wait.

My appetite just came back.

[laughter]

- I was only kidding, son.

- Good one, Dad.

- [growling and snapping]

- Ahh!

[whimpering]

This place is loco!

Whew.

Ahh!

I gotta find a way out of here.

Ha-ha, back door!

Ahh!

all: 99.

[sighs]

all: 100! [cheering]

- [crying] There goes my bail money.

- Ha-ha, you're an animal, Patrick.

Thanks to you, I made so much bread.

See?

Huh?

This guy--

- [gulps] - Is my new best friend!

[all chanting] Patrick, Patrick!

- Wow, Mom was right.

Prison is fun.

- Lights out!

- There goes our fun.

- Guys, why don't we have a slumber party?

[laughter]

- Pillow fight!

[grunting]

* *

- I'm alive. I'm alive.

Huh? - Patrick!

We were supposed to start "The Patrick Show" five minutes ago!

- What? You're mistaken.

I'm not Patrick. See?

- Well, duh.

Clearly, Patrick went to prison and swapped places

with a dangerous criminal.

But I still need a Patrick.

The show must go on!

Here's your script.

- It just says "whoa."

- Exactly.

- Whoa!

Oof!

[laughter]

- You're doing great.

Now let's end this skit with a bang!

- Bang?

Ahh!

Get me out of this insane asylum!

Huh?

- Patrick, can I extract one of your teeth

to complete my shrine?

[dramatic music]

- Ugh!

- Patrick!

It's time for my bunion massage.

- Massage us.

- [screaming]

I'm surrounded!

- Hey, we're not done yet!

Whee!

- Dig quieter.

We don't want the guards to hear us.

- [gasp] Guys, how could you?

Not tell me the prison is made of food?

Oh, can I have a spoonful, pretty please, pretty please?

- Huh? - [chuckling]

Sure thing, pal.

- Yeah, go nuts.

- There's nuts in this too?

both: Freedom!

- [panting]

Huh?

Ouch!

It's you. The idiot!

I'm through with being you.

I'd rather be in prison, where it's safe!

Adios, kid.

Jail, sweet jail, here I come.

- Aw, my bathroom suit.

- There you are, actual Patrick.

Come on, we've got to finish this skit

before the fuse blows.

- Wait a minute!

I got something to say! [grunts]

- Huh?

- Leedles and gentle leedles,

I have just returned from a magical place.

- Huh?

- A place full of yummy food, slumber parties,

and the best pals a fella could ever ask for.

- Huh?

- A place where the walls are made

of dirt-flavored ice cream, a place called...

- Prison!

Yes, I'm back!

I'm finally safe from that crazy Star family!

- So, my crazy Star family,

what do you say we move into prison right now?

- Ooh, it will do wonders for my morning commute.

- Wh-wh-what?

No! No!

- Oh, yeah, we're going to prison!

all: Yay!

[laughter]

- Hi-ya, roomie!

- [screaming]

- Hey, nice bathroom!

I call the top bunk!

[upbeat music]

* *

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