Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star, and I live with my parents.

Ow!

This is my dad.

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister.

She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room.

And this...

this is my show!

[cheerful music]

* *

- * Hey-la-di-di-ta-ta-ta *

Hmm.

[humming]

* Delivering the newspaper, ya-ta-ta-ta *

- Thanks, Squidward.

- * Picking up the cash, ya-ta-ta-ta-ta *

[party horns trumpet] - Ooh!

He remembered my birthday.

- [hums]

- [grumbling]

Thank you, Squidward.

[cash register dings] - [grunts]

* Lookin' really cool *

- Thanks, Squidward.

[cash register dings] - [grunts]

* Ya-ta-ta-ta *

- Ha!

Trouble in Shell City?

[dramatic music]

* *

Thanks, Squidward.

[worm barking] - * Walking down the street *

* Ya-ta-ta-ta *

Aah!

[cash register dings]

* Worm kissed my nose *

* Ya-ta-ta-ta *

* This guy never pays *

* Ya-ta-ta-ta * [doorbell rings]

- Oh, boy! A newspaper for me?

- Huh? - Thanks, paperboy.

- * You still owe me cash *

* Ya-ta-ta-ta *

- I'll hit you back. * Ya-ta-ta-ta *

- Huh? Aah!

[grumbles]

[grunts] Oh!

Ha! Ow! [groans]

Aha.

Aah! [groans]

Typical.

Huh?

- I've already seen these sections.

- [sighs]

[grunting]

- Squidward!

- [grunts] Huh?

- Come on. Hurry up.

- Hi! [giggles]

- [grumbles]

Huh?

Aww.

- Squidward, you're my favorite grandson.

- Ow! - Probably 'cause

you're my only grandson.

- What was that? - Oh, nothing, dear.

You can't let Cecil stiff you like that.

Remember, my boy, you're a Tentacles.

And nobody stiffs a Tentacles.

Just look at your roughneck relatives

throughout our family's history.

There was your great uncle, Tentacles the Hun.

- [growls]

- Ahh!

- And your gangster cousin, Teddy "The Sucker" Tentacles.

- Pthew!

- Or your great-great-great- grandfather,

Tentacleez the Serpent Slayer.

[Hydra roars]

- * I slayed a hydra, ya-ta-ta-ta-ta *

[yells] - [grunts]

- Or look at this rugged young lady.

- Granny, is that you?

Both: You're darn right it's me.

- [giggles]

- And I'm gonna help you get your money back

from that tightwad.

- Oh, thank you, Grand-Mama.

- Since you're such a creampuff.

- What was that? - Nothing.

[doorbell rings]

- Yes?

- You owe my grandson money!

Now, fork it over, you blue blockhead.

- Uh, no thanks.

I already didn't give at the office.

[grunts] Ooh.

- [grunts]

[crackles, crashes]

- Ahh!

- [panting]

[grunts]

* I've escaped without a trace *

- Now, where did that cheapskate go?

- Oh, well. Thanks for trying anyway.

Let's go. Ahh! - We're not leaving

until you get your money, you lily-livered--

- What was that? - Nothing.

- Hmm? Ooh.

Aha! - Ew!

- Mustache hairs.

[chomping]

And they're still warm.

He must be close.

- * Closer than you think *

[chuckles]

- Give us that money!

both: Ahh!

[loud thud]

- [humming]

[both groan]

[cheerful music]

- Hey, there might be some spare change

in these pockets.

[washing machine rumbles]

[both grunting]

[washing machine thudding]

- Whoa! [both grunt]

- Hey! A big fuzz ball!

[laughing]

[both grunting]

- Touchdown!

[both grunt] - Whoo-hoo!

Mom! I won!

[laughs]

- That kid is even dumber than his father.

[laughter] - [growls]

both: Whoa!

- [grunts]

* *

- Time for a clean getaway.

[chuckles]

[grunting]

[gargling]

- Now, where would I hide if I was a tightwad?

- * No one can find me here *

* In the upstairs bathroom *

- I have a hunch he's in the upstairs bathroom.

Ha-ha-ha.

After you, Granny.

[echoing] Granny, Granny, Granny, Granny.

- I'm not climbing those stairs.

I'm a little old lady.

- Well, then how are we gonna-- ahh!

Whoa.

[engine revving]

Aaah!

[groans] - [laughs]

- I wish you would tell me before you do stuff like that.

- Sorry, dear.

You big baby. - What was that?

- Nothing. Now, get ready to get paid.

- * Shower, shower, la, la, la, la, la *

- Uh-huh. [growls] Ha-ha!

- Huh?

- * You'll never catch me *

- Why that slippery simpleton.

- Quick! Let's get downstairs and head him off.

- Hmm. both: Ahh!

- [growls] - Nice toilet. Good boy.

Granny, don't let the toilet hurt me.

- [snarls] - [grunts] Ahh!

[whimpers] - Aww. He likes you.

Isn't that sweet?

- No! It's unsanitary.

- Ah, let's go get your money.

- [grumbles] - Come on! Shake a leg.

- And that's why Neptune gives us four.

[snickering]

* *

- [grunting] Whoa.

[groans] Dad, you gotta help me.

Granny Tentacles is after me, and--

- Tut-tut, son. I heard all about it.

And my ears didn't like what they heard.

- [whimpering]

- The star family comes from a long line

of cheap, unpaying skinflints.

Throughout history, the Stingy Stars

have never ever paid for a newspaper

delivered by a Tentacle. - [laughs]

- It's a proud tradition.

- Ahh! - You owe me money!

- A skinflint, huh? So that's what I am.

- You're darn right.

But Granny Tentacles isn't gonna quit

until she gets what she wants.

I ought to know; she's my girlfriend.

- What was that? - Nothing, nothing.

- We need to come up with a plan

to get rid of them.

Let's put our brains together.

[both grunting]

- I think I have an idea.

- [moaning]

[drill rattling] - [grunting]

Maybe there's some money in here.

[gasps] - Oh, Tentacles.

Come get your money.

[both grunting]

- All right, Scrooge, where's the cash?

- I'm not paying for this newspaper.

[grunts]

There's no ink on it.

- [inhales deeply]

- Extra, extra! Skinflint Star won't pay paperboy!

- It's got ink now. Pay him!

- No, no. Please don't hurt me.

Your money's over there.

both: Huh?

- Oh, I can't believe it.

Five years of unpaid newspaper money.

Oh, thank you, Grand-Mama, thank you.

Oh, thank you!

Hey, the money is melting.

It's made of papier-m�ch�.

[sobbing]

- Something smells fishy around here.

[foghorn blares] - I wonder why?

- Here, cry on that. - [sobs]

- And that too! - [sobs]

- What? Everything's made of papier-m�ch�.

- You can't shakedown a Star. You hear me,

you hear me, you paper-pushing Tentacles?

- Cecil may be a dope,

but Grandpat is one smart pierogi.

That's why he's Granny's little sugarpants.

- What was that? - Nothing, dear.

- Oh, boy.

- Whoa! The whole place is collapsing.

Run for it! both: Ahh!

- * Dad, we're a genius *

[laughter]

Huh? Uh-oh.

Uh, Dad? - Y-yes, son?

- I think we'd better run. - Good idea, son.

Like your great-great-great- grandfather always used to say,

"Look out! There's a house falling on you."

[both grunting]

- Ooh, look! A free newspaper. With comic strips!

"Mr. Star and the Paper Boy."

Ooh, my favorite. [giggles]

That dopey paperboy is never gonna get his money

from that cheapskate.

- It's funny because it's true.

- [giggles] Yeah.

- Don't listen to that nincompoop.

I'll get your money.

- I know you will, Granny. In a pig's eye.

- What was that? - Noting.

* Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta *

[dramatic music]

* *

[birds chirping]

* *

[all cheering]

* *

- Ahh, ooh.

[giggles]

- Well, Princess Ham Hock,

enjoying the spring porkquinox festival?

- Yes, Father.

I just love singing gravy carols.

- [burps] - Ooh.

[laughter]

- Leedle leedle lee. - Huh?

- We must have done the ritual wrong!

[all screaming]

- The pointy maw! It has returned!

- [roars]

[dramatic music]

- Back, foul beast.

- [chomping] - [yells]

- [burps]

- Ham kin! Only a sacrifice will appease

the pointy mouth of doom!

Guards!

- Eee!

Ooh...what?

Where are you taking me?

[grunting]

Ahh! - Don't forget the mustard.

- Ahh! My eyes!

- [roars, chomps]

[sniffs]

[growls]

- [whimpers]

* *

Ahh!

[screams, groans]

[jazzy music]

- Ooh, don't eat me.

[chomps, laughs]

[horn blares] - Ahh!

Whoa! - Whoa, whoa.

[clattering]

Hamquake!

- It's a seaquake.

[all yelling]

- Whoo. - [pants]

[grunts] Aw.

- Huh? Mmm.

- [panting]

- Aw. [chuckles]

- Hold on, the only thing shaking

is our coffee pot.

- Huh. Coffee always gives me the jitters.

[slurps]

* *

[grunts, sighs]

[snores]

- Oh, well. At least we all got out in time.

- Yeah! Everybody except Grandpat.

all: Grandpat!

- [snores] [glass shatters]

- Grandpat, get out of the house!

It's not safe!

Ahh!

- [clucking]

[squawks]

[clucking]

[loud crashing]

- Our house! It's running away!

- Oh, no. Where will we live?

- Where will we sleep?

[together] Where will we watch TV?

- Don't worry. We'll track our house down.

Activate the mobile studio mobile.

[grunts]

* *

Ha! [grunts]

- Ooh.

[applause]

- She went thataway!

- Let's ride.

[engine turns over]

The car goes... [car horn beeps]

[tires squealing]

[loud thud]

- [screams] [tires squealing]

- [snoring]

[grunting]

Ugh!

[yawns]

My goofball family must be doing

their disco yoga exercises again.

Oh, well. Better start the day.

- [clucking]

- Ahh! Ahh!

[grunts] - [clucks]

[alarm blares]

- [grunting]

- [clucking]

[footsteps pounding]

[tires squealing]

- So minty.

- Hmph. - Argh.

- [clucking]

- Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Don't you have any bigger TVs?

- [crows]

- Ahh! - Huh?

[tires squealing] - Whoa!

- I'll take it!

[groans]

[together] Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

- Oh-oh-oh!

- No! We lost it!

- [barks] - What is it, Tinkle?

- [sniffing]

[howls]

- Oh, I think Tinkle has the scent.

Follow that toilet!

[upbeat funky music]

- [barking]

* *

[barks] [engine revs]

- [clucking]

[twangy music]

[tires screeching] - Hey!

[bike bells ding] - I'm Perch Perkins

at the annual Bikini Bottom race

of way too many cyclists. [bike bell dings]

- Ahh! - Ooh!

- Ahh! - Ahh!

- Not even a giant living house eating fish whole

will stop these competitors from--

[screams]

* *

[engine revs] - [squawks]

[thudding footsteps]

- [mumbling]

[screams]

- [grunting]

- The contestants are taking a new course this year.

- [clucking]

[tires squealing]

- This is Perch Perkins signing off!

[loud explosion]

- You're up, big brother.

- Uhh...uhh...

It's Pat-a-rang time!

- [yells]

- [groans] - [grunts]

- Nice moves, honey bunny.

- Oh, thank you, cuddle muffin.

Mm-hmm. [grunts]

Hit the brakes! - [groans]

[tires screeching]

- Ahh! [loud crash]

- [clucking]

* *

- [chuckles] - Ahh-ahh.

- [clucking]

[all yelling]

[bells dinging]

[loud crash]

[all groan]

- [groans] Huh?

- [crows] - [gasps] Our house!

Aw, we can't drive up the side of a building!

- Aw, don't worry.

We'll take the elevator instead.

[tires squealing]

[upbeat music]

[loud crash]

[cackling]

[bell dings]

- What? - [screams]

[cackling]

[elevator dings] - [laughs]

- My eggs!

* *

[tires squealing]

- [pants] - [yells]

[all gasp]

[both trilling]

- Aw, our house is in love with a toaster oven.

- Oh, it was migrating to find a mate.

- [clucks] Aw.

- Oh, of course. It does this every year.

- And every year we forget.

- [whistles, dings]

[clucks]

[crackling]

- [chirping]

[together] Aww.

- [retches] - Ew.

[burps]

[bell dings]

[mystical music]

- [gasps] Shut the door!

You're letting all the steam out!

- Oh, Grandpat! You're okay!

- Grandpat, come on out of there.

- No way. I finally got my own pad

with a caffeinated sauna. Whoo!

- [chirping] - Ha-ha!

Whoo!

both: Dibs on his room! - Aw.

- But how do we get the house back home?

- [clucking] - Hmm.

I think I have an idea.

- [clucking]

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Here, housey-housey!

Come get your tasty coffee beans.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[grunts] - [chuckles]

- Hmm.

- [chuckles] - Ahh!

[loud thud]

- [clanging]

[cheerful music]

* *

- [applauds]

Hmm.

all: Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh!

- House!

Ugh!

I'm so glad you're back.

[car horn honks] Huh?

[regal music]

[tires screeching]

- My fellow Hamdonians, he is the pointy maw,

destroyer of our meaty land.

- Ooh!

Hey, guys!

Who wants to get in my mouth first?

[all growling]

- Get him.

- [gulps]

[whimpers]

* *

[all yelling]

- [chirping]

- Yah-hoo!

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